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Tag: psychology

  • Why I Aspire To Be an Effective Hedonist

    Why I Aspire To Be an Effective Hedonist

    I doubt you think of yourself as a hedonist. But I assume that, like me, you also don’t view yourself as driven by self-sacrifice. That’s why the term “altruism” has never resonated with me, despite my connection to the effective altruist (EA) movement. As a psychologist, I don’t think altruism is a good way to understand our motivations. While few people strive to be altruistic, there is abundant evidence that people feel good when they do good, summarized in a 2017 article entitled, “7 Facts about the Science of Doing Good;” and in behavioral scientists Elizabeth Dunn and Michael Norton’s 2013 book, Happy Money: The Science of Happier Spending.

    I don’t like to make personal sacrifices. But I do want to behave in a manner that allows me to view myself as the kind of person that I aspire to be. Does it require some sort of alchemy to be a pleasure-seeker and a good person? I think not, That is why I aspire to be an effective hedonist.

    I use the term “effective” hedonism because pure hedonism often leads to self-destruction and harm to others. We all want to do what feels good right now. Our automatic reactions are often inconsistent with what is best for us or with our core values. Fortunately, our cerebral cortex enables us to use cognition to override our instincts and socialization, and to align our behavior with our goals and values. Therefore, we can avoid dysfunctional hedonic decisions—that is, decisions that do not maximize our wellbeing.

    Most of us could list all we do to seek short-term pleasure or what is expedient at the expense of what we know is good for us. Perhaps even more destructive, many of us follow life paths that do not maximize our satisfaction or values. But an effective hedonist does not see a dichotomy between feeling good and doing good. In fact, this is seen from a young age. In Joyful Toddlers and Preschoolers, parenting coach Faith Collins writes that research supports the idea that  “People” as young as toddlers “feel both energized and grounded . . . when they are contributing to something greater than themselves.”

    So, how do we become effective hedonists?

    First, shed your guilt. You may think this impossible because you fear doing so will make you a bad person. But I say, “Try it; you’ll like it!” Guilt is not a long-term motivator. You may feel guilty about having that second piece of cake, getting inappropriately angry with your child, or not giving more money to charity. But does that guilt help you change? Even if it does occasionally promote positive behavior, it is corrosive, getting in the way of a pleasurable life—and eventually unhappiness interferes with doing good things.

    Read More: Giving Back Is a Birthright

    Another key to effective hedonism lies in becoming moreintentional. Being more intentional requires keeping one’s values front and center in your consciousness. Why? Because if we are not aware in the moment, we often rely on instinct or socialization, which causes us to veer from what is most important to us. We might get on the “hedonic treadmill,” when we pursue material pleasures beyond the point where they maximize our wellbeing. Or you try to “get ahead” by taking a job you don’t like because of the money or status. We make matters worse by working too hard at a job we shouldn’t be doing in the first place.

    I have two suggestions about how to become more intentional. The first is to enhance your moment-to-moment awareness through “mindfulness meditation.” You can do this as you pursue the activities of daily living. For example, simply breathing in and out slowly while paying close attention to your breath is an easy and very useful strategy for becoming calmer and more aware of your surroundings. Focusing your attention on daily tasks—like washing the dishes, walking, listening carefully to whomever is talking—helps you learn the difference between being distracted and being aware. Awareness is a critical step on the path to intentionality.

    My second suggestion is to do a regular values-clarification exercise. This involves asking: what’s most important to me? Does my current behavior help me align with my core goals? If not, what do I need to change? I urge you not to change too much at a time, but rather to strive for your “personal best.” This means setting a goal that is a stretch, but achievable. Once you achieve it, set a new one that is a little more difficult, always aiming for your “personal best.”

    For me, understanding what gives me pleasure and helps me to become more like the person I aspire to be was rooted in effective giving—of using your financial resources to maximize the wellbeing of others. Altruists see giving as a moral obligation, a sacrifice for the benefit of others. As an aspiring effective hedonist, I prefer to see maximizing my giving as an opportunity to feel good and to become more the person I want to be.

    I say I value the lives of other people above all else, but until recently I had done little to live that value. A core value since I was 19 has been to play a role in reducing inequality in all its forms. Yet, I was drawn into a career as a psychologist and then as a business executive in what now seems to me as an excessive focus on both status and money. Had I been more awake, more intentional, I likely would have made very different choices that not only would have been more consistent with my values, but would have also enhanced my overall wellbeing and pleasure.

    I assert that we can make high impact, cost-effective philanthropy and other activities that reduce inequality relevant to many more people if we take a different approach—one that centers on personal opportunity rather than obligation. I take pleasure seriously, and living a pleasurable life and making the world a better place doesn’t have to be mutually exclusive. I urge people to consider and act on the idea that actualizing the value of making the world a better place by reducing inequality does not require altruism, but rather perhaps a little bit of effective hedonism.

    Charlie Bresler

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  • Best of 2023: Recap, Articles, Worksheets, and the Future

    Best of 2023: Recap, Articles, Worksheets, and the Future

    An honest review of 2023, featuring stand-out articles, practical worksheets, and a preview of the near future at The Emotion Machine.


    Another year is coming to an end. It’s time for my annual recap and roundup of best articles.

    To start, I’ll say this year was a good year for me overall. Not excellent, not bad – but “good.” It was more turbulent than past years and I certainly had low moments, but I adapted quickly and made a couple major habit changes that are going to payoff big in the future.

    Despite the chaos, I was remarkably consistent in my output this year. After a decade working on this site, creating new content is almost automatic for me. There’s no reason to assume I’ll be slowing down anytime soon, as new ideas and new projects are constantly coming to mind.

    The most successful endeavor this year has been my addition of self-improvement worksheets.

    Last year I pledged to make one new worksheet per month, so we already have a nice collection of 12 available going into the new year. These have received a lot of positive feedback so far and I’ll keep making new ones in 2024 (already have a long list of ideas).

    I’ll share more on my goals for 2024 soon, but let’s first take a look at the best self-improvement content that was published at The Emotion Machine in 2023…

    Best Articles/Worksheets of 2023

    Here’s a list of my best articles and worksheets from 2023 by category.

    Happiness and Mental Health

    A to Z Gratitude List (PDF)

    5 Senses Meditation (PDF)

    50+ Stress Relievers That Take 5 Minutes Or Less

    Fresh Starts: How to Use Landmark Dates to Spark a Change

    No Matter How Bad Things Get: If I Can Overcome This, I Can Overcome Anything

    Framing Depression as an Adaptive Signal, Not a Lifelong Disease

    The Drawing Effect: How Doodling Can Improve Your Thinking, Memory, and Emotions

    Habits and Motivation

    Strengths Worksheet (PDF)

    Goals Timeline (PDF)

    New Habit Worksheet (PDF)

    Renaissance Man: Why You Should Cultivate Multiple Interests

    Going Cold Turkey: Breaking Free from the Chains of Unhealthy Behaviors

    The Hidden Exhaustion of Mental Work: Why It Can Be Just as Tiring as Physical Labor

    Abandon Your TV: The Mental Benefits of Canceling Your Cable Subscription

    4 Japanese Concepts That Will Improve Your Well-Being

    Relationships and Friends

    Role Models Worksheet (PDF)

    The Big 5 Personality Traits: A Framework for Understanding Our Differences

    Conflict Resolution: 4 Principles Behind Constructive and Peaceful Negotiation

    Feeling Unloved: The Need to Be Appreciated

    Words Have Consequences: The Power of Language in Effective Communication

    How To Deal With Stupid People

    Thinking, Philosophy, and Wisdom

    Core Values Worksheet (PDF)

    Rewrite Negative Beliefs (PDF)

    Creative Self-Reflection Exercises (PDF)

    Explain Yourself: The Healthy Challenge of Describing Your Beliefs

    Mental Gymnastics: 7 Self-Sabotaging Effects of Over-Rationalization

    The Gish Gallop Effect: How Rapid Argumentation Distorts Perceptions and Beliefs

    Past, Present, and Future: Lessons from A Christmas Carol

    In-Yeon: Exploring “Past Lives” and Eternal Connections

    Near Future Plans

    I haven’t yet worked on my goals timeline, an annual tradition I do at the beginning of every year, but I’ll give you a quick peak at my main work goals in the near future:

    • Worksheets – As mentioned, I will definitely continue making one new worksheet each month. They are easy evergreen content and I’ve received compliments on them. The “Daily Routine” PDF will be coming out mid-January 2024.
    • Coaching – I’m bringing this back. Took most of the year off to focus on website but I think coaching is one of my better and more rewarding strengths. I already set up a calendar for easy scheduling and updated my coaching page.
    • Podcasting – I have too many thoughts per day that could be turned into valuable content but never materialize anywhere. “Everyone has great ideas, but not everyone acts on them.” Just pressing the record button and letting my mind riff is easy content that I think people will find interesting. I just need to suck it up and do it. I already have a Soundcloud (with a lot of old content) that I just need to reactivate.
    • Literary Agent – This is new territory for me. I’ve been working closely with an upcoming author friend and we’ve been making plans on finishing her first manuscript and sending pitches to publishers. She just finished the rough draft last week, but I’m going to be working with her more closely on editing, feedback, and reaching out to publishers once we have things tidied up. I still need to do more research but it could be a good avenue for me. It plays on multiple strengths: 1) Understanding the creative process, 2) Motivating people to actually finish their projects, 3) Finding people who have talent and potential, 4) Rooting for other people’s success. It feels like a natural outgrowth of a lot of my past work with creative people (at music venues, art galleries, and coaching various writers, artists, musicians, and filmmakers).
    • Articles – This isn’t changing. I’ll still be publishing at least one new or updated article every week. These make up the backbone of the website and I have no shortage of ideas and no reason to stop writing them anytime soon. If you want me to write about a specific topic, just use the contact page and let me know. I have many interests but it’s easier for me to cater to what you guys want. Feedback makes the site better.

    All in all I’m excited about 2024, and the ideas above feel like a perfect balance between “sticking with what works” vs. “trying new things.”

    Join Me In 2024

    If you find this work valuable to your life and want more, join me and support me going into the new year.

    My entire archive currently has over 850 articles covering a wide-range of subjects in psychology and self-improvement; and there’s plenty more to come in the future. I’m just getting started.

    To be honest with you, some of my earlier articles may not have aged as well as others. When you consistently produce content over 14 years, you inevitably release some less-than-stellar pieces. It’s a part of the process – having both “winning streaks” and “losing streaks” is a universal theme in life.

    Over the years, my beliefs, values, and interests have also shifted since I first started this site. There are things I wrote in the past that I don’t wholly agree with today. However, I choose to keep these old posts accessible because people often need different advice at various stages of their lives.

    I bet that’s not the hottest sales pitch you’ve ever heard. At heart, I consider myself a teacher more than a salesman, and that means being sincere, honest, and truthful before everything else. If you’re looking for “one trick” to magically fix your life, you’re in the wrong place. I don’t have those – never found them.

    All I can do is offer an array of tools, advice, and guidelines. You ultimately have to figure out what applies (or doesn’t) to your life. In truth, 80% of the content on this site may not interest you at all, but there’s that 20% that could be just what you need at this exact moment in your life.

    What I can promise you is that I’m one of the most dedicated writers on self-improvement currently going. I’ve seen thousands of other “self help” sites rise and fall over the years, but I keep chugging away no matter what.

    If you want to align with my commitment to happiness and well-being, then your first step is to join me.

    Better yet, get a Yearly subscription, for two simple reasons: 1) You’re committing yourself to a year of self-improvement, and 2) It’s cheaper. I’m honestly saying this from a self-improvement perspective and not a sales one.

    Let’s Go…







    You can cancel your membership at anytime. Please use the Contact form if you have any questions or comments.

    Steven Handel

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  • Past, Present, and Future: Lessons from A Christmas Carol

    Past, Present, and Future: Lessons from A Christmas Carol

    From ‘Bah, humbug!’ to redemption: Charles Dickens’ ‘A Christmas Carol’ unfolds as more than just a festive fable, offering profound insights into self-discovery, kindness, and rewriting one’s life story.


    Charles Dickens’ timeless classic, “A Christmas Carol,” isn’t just a heartwarming tale of holiday spirit; it’s a profound exploration of human psychology and the power of personal transformation.

    Many of us have heard the story before through countless movie and TV adaptations, especially the infamous Scrooge, whose name has now become a common insult toward those who fight against the holiday spirit of joy, kindness, and charity.

    If you’re interested, you can read the original 1843 novella A Christmas Carol for free at Project Gutenberg. There are also many free audiobooks you can find and listen to.

    The story opens the day before Christmas with Ebenezer Scrooge at work, a strict businessman who is described as miserable, lonely, and greedy, without any close friends or companions. His nephew visits, wishes him a cheerily “Merry Christmas!” and invites him to spend dinner with his family, but Scrooge rudely brushes off the kind gesture and responds with his trademark phrase “Bah humbug!”

    Scrooge’s cynical and negative attitude is on full display in the opening chapter. “He carried his own low temperature always about with him.” In one instance where he is asked to donate money to help the poor, the wealthy Scrooge asks, “Aren’t there prisons? Aren’t there workhouses?” and then complains about the “surplus population.”

    It’s clear that Scrooge’s only concerns and core values in life are money and wealth. If it doesn’t help his profits or bottom line then he doesn’t care about it, especially the well-being of others which he claims is “none of his business.”

    The archetype of Scrooge is more relevant today than ever, especially in our corporatized world where rich elites isolate themselves from the rest of society while income inequality, crime, and economic woes continue to rise for the average person. Dickens observed early signs of increased materialism, narcissism, and greed almost two hundred years ago, but these unhealthy instincts have only grown rapidly since then. Social media has particularly warped people’s perceptions of wealth, status, and fame, which has in turn blinded us to many other important values in life.

    In many cases people like Scrooge live lonely and miserable lives until they die, clinging to their money as they are lowered into their graves. However the story of “A Christmas Carol” provides hope and inspiration that people can change their paths in life if they are given the necessary insight and wisdom.

    As the well-known tale goes, Scrooge is haunted by 3 benevolent spirits on consecutive nights (The Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future), each teaching him an essential lesson on what really matters in life.

    This breakdown of past, present, and future creates a complete picture of one’s life. It’s a powerful framework to spark self-growth in any person. Once we reevaluate where we’ve been, where we are, and where we want to go, we have a much clearer idea on what the right path forward is.

    Keep in mind you don’t need to be religious to reap the benefits of this story. Its lessons are universal. While there are supernatural and spiritual elements, the wisdom is real and tangible.

    Introduction: The Ghost of Marley

    Before Scrooge is visited by the three spirits, he encounters the ghost of his former business partner Marley who had died seven years ago.

    The ghost of Marley is shown to be in a type of purgatory, aimlessly roaming the town, entangled in many heavy chains with cash-boxes, keys, padlocks, ledgers, deeds, and heavy purses made out of steel, representing a lifetime of greed and selfishness:

      “I wear the chain I forged in life,” replied the Ghost. “I made it link by link, and yard by yard; I girded it on of my own free will, and of my own free will I wore it. Is its pattern strange to you?”

      “Or would you know,” pursued the Ghost, “the weight and length of the strong coil you bear yourself? It was full as heavy and as long as this, seven Christmas Eves ago. You have laboured on it, since. It is a ponderous chain!”

    The ghost lets Scrooge know that his actions have far-reaching consequences too. He will suffer a similar fate if he doesn’t change his ways, but there’s still hope for redemption! He then leaves, announcing to Scrooge that he will soon be visited by three spirits that will guide him to a better path.

    Marley’s ghost serves as a warning, but also a sign of hope.

    The Ghosts of the Past: Forgiving Your Former Self

    Scrooge’s first encounter is with the “Ghost of Christmas Past,” who serves as a poignant reminder that we must confront our history to understand our present.

    The Ghost of Christmas Past transports Scrooge through various memories he had as a child and young adult, showing his psychological development over time.

    The first scene brings Scrooge back to his childhood town, where he is immediately rushed with feelings of nostalgia, cheerfulness, and joy. These positive memories depict a very different Scrooge from present, revealing his once optimistic and hopeful disposition. What happened to him since?

    The memories begin to grow darker. Multiple scenes show Scrooge spending Christmas alone as a young child, one time being left by himself at boarding school while his friends were celebrating the holidays with family, and another time sitting solitarily by the fire reading. Scrooge begins to shed tears and show sympathy toward his former, abandoned self.

    One of the most pivotal memories is when young adult Scrooge is speaking with his past lover. She notices a fundamental change in him that has become a dealbreaker in their relationship.

      “You fear the world too much,” she answered, gently…”I have seen your nobler aspirations fall off one-by-one, until the master-passion, Gain, engrosses you…”

    She sees that money has become Scrooge’s God which he puts above all other values, including love. The young woman continues…

      “Our contract is an old one. It was made when we were both poor and content to be so, until, in good season, we could improve our worldly fortune by our patient industry. You are changed. When it was made, you were another man.”

    Here we begin to see Scrooge’s hardening into the man he is in the present.

    His pursuit of wealth as his main source of comfort and satisfaction has damaged his relationship beyond repair. The lover sees no other option but for them to go their separate ways. The memory deeply pains Scrooge and he cries out for the ghost to show him no more.

    In truth we are all a product of our past, including our environment and the choices we make in life. Scrooge has clearly gone through hardships and taken wrong turns that have influenced where he finds himself today; but it’s not too late.

    The Ghost of Christmas Past forced Scrooge to remember events that he had long forgotten, neglected, or ignored because they were too painful to think about. While these old memories cannot be altered, you have to accept your past, be honest with yourself, and forgive yourself if you want to learn, grow, and change for the better.

    One of the main lessons here is that you need to take responsibility for the past before you can take power over the future. Scrooge is suffering, but he’s learning.

    Making the Most of the Present: Opportunities for Joy and Kindness

    Scrooge’s next encounter is with the “Ghost of Christmas Present,” who teaches Scrooge all the opportunities for good that cross his path every single day.

    The spirit is colorfully dressed with holly, mistletoe, berries, turkeys, sausages, oysters, pies, puddings, fruit, and punch surrounding him, a representation of the simple pleasures in life we can all learn to appreciate, savor, and be grateful for.

    First, the Ghost of Christmas Present takes Scrooge for a walk outside in the town during Christmas Day, observing all the happiness, zest, and cheer overflowing through the streets. Everyone from all backgrounds is enjoying the festivities.

    When two people bump into each other and start a small fight, the ghost sprinkles a magical substance on them which instantly ends the argument and brings both back to a more joyful demeanor.

      “Once or twice when there were angry words between some dinner-carriers who had jostled each other, he shed a few drops of water on them, and their good humour was restored directly. For they said, it was a shame to quarrel upon Christmas Day. And so it was! God love it, so it was!”

    On Christmas, all fights are optional.

    The ghost then leads Scrooge to the home of Bob Cratchit, his current employee who he often treats poorly. Here Scrooge is introduced to Bob’s sick and disabled son Tiny Tim, who despite his illness is still excited to spend holiday time with the family. The poor family makes the most of the limited food and time they have together, including a fake “goose” dinner made out of apple sauce and mashed potatoes.

    Scrooge looks on in sympathy and wishes he could do more to help them. He asks the spirit about the current state of Tiny Tim’s health:

      “Spirit,” said Scrooge, with an interest he never felt before, “tell me if Tiny Tim will live.”

      “I see a vacant seat,” replied the Ghost, “in the poor chimney-corner, and a crutch without an owner, carefully preserved. If these shadows remain unaltered by the Future, the child will die.”

    In another scene, Scrooge is transported to the home of his sister’s family, the same party his nephew invited him to the previous day. Everyone in the household is enjoying the Christmas holiday while singing, dancing, and playing games. Several times Scrooge is brought up in conversation and everyone can only laugh and shrug at Scrooge’s relentless misery and gloom.

      “A Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to the old man, whatever he is!” said Scrooge’s nephew. “He wouldn’t take it from me, but may he have it nonetheless. Uncle Scrooge!”

    Scrooge knows that these events and perceptions by others are part of his own doing.

    At every turn, Scrooge denies taking advantage of daily opportunities for happiness, including rejecting a group of children singing carols, responding rudely to acquaintances (“Bah humbug!”), and refusing to give to charities or help others when it’s fully in his power.

    These events are small, but they build up over time. Whenever Scrooge is given a choice between kindness vs. coldness, he chooses to be cold. After enough tiny social interactions, Scrooge has cemented his reputation around town as being the miserable miser.

    Can he still change it?

    The Shadows of the Future: Shaping Tomorrow Today

    The final spirit Scrooge meets is the “Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come” or the “Ghost of Christmas Future.” This ghost blends in with the darkness of the night, wearing a long black robe that covers their entire face and body, except for a boney hand it uses to silently point.

    The ghost begins by showing men on the streets joking and laughing about someone who has just passed away. At a pawn shop, robbers are selling stolen property they recently seized from the dead man’s estate, saying it’s for the best since the items will no longer serve any use to him. Scrooge, perplexed by the meaning of these scenes, intently watches on. Another man jokes:

      “It’s likely to be a very cheap funeral, for upon my life I don’t know of anybody to go to it.”

    Scene by scene, people show ambivalence toward the death. Scrooge grows frustrated and asks:

      “If there is any person in the town who feels emotion caused by this man’s death, show that person to me. Spirit, I beseech you!”

    Now they see a family that was in debt to the dead man, and they are feeling humble gratitude and quiet glee that they no longer have to worry themselves about such an evil creditor:

      “Yes. Soften it as they would, their hearts were lighter. The children’s faces, hushed and clustered round to hear what they so little understood, were brighter; and it was a happier house for this man’s death! The only emotion that the Ghost could show him, caused by the event, was one of pleasure.”

    Already having suspicions on who this man is, Scrooge begs the ghost to finally reveal where his future lies. The ghost travels to a graveyard and points at a tombstone that upon inspection reads: Ebenezer Scrooge

    Scrooge’s heart sinks. Next it’s shown that Tiny Tim hasn’t recovered from his illness and has also passed away, and at such a young age. Feeling completely hopeless at this point, Scrooge desperately begs:

      “Answer me one question. Are these the shadows of the things that Will be, or are they shadows of things that May be, only?”

      “Men’s courses will foreshadow certain ends, to which, if persevered in, they must lead. But if the courses be departed from, the ends will change. Say it is thus with what you show me!”

    As long as you’re alive and breathing, you have the power to change.

    When we think about death, it puts everything about life into perspective. Our time is finite in this world and we must make the most of it without being distracted by trivialities and lesser values. If you were laying on your deathbed right now, what would your main regrets be?

    When Scrooge reflects on his own death and what influence he’d leave on the world, it shakes him at his core – but also transforms him.

    The Power of Redemption: Transforming Scrooge’s Tale into Our Own

    After the visitations of the three ghosts, Scrooge wakes up a changed man ready to start his new life. He rises from bed excited, hopeful, and giddy that he’s still alive and still has a chance to change his current course.

    Upon finding out it’s still Christmas Day, he buys a prize turkey to send to the Cratchit family and begins giving generous amounts of money to children and the poor. He continues to walk around the town square, giving everyone warm greetings and a hearty “Merry Christmas!”

    When he sees Bob Cratchit the next day at work, he immediately gives him a raise in salary and promises to take care of Tiny Tim and assist the family in anyway possible. He becomes a lifelong friend to the family.

    This sudden change in Scrooge’s behavior confused the townsfolk at first, including many who made fun of this rapid transformation that was so uncharacteristic of Scrooge. But these words and gossip didn’t bother him:

      “Some people laughed to see the alteration in him, but he let them laugh, and little heeded them; for he was wise enough to know that nothing ever happened on this globe, for good, at which some people did not have their fill of laughter[…] His own heart laughed: and that was quite enough for him.”

    At its core, “A Christmas Carol” is a story of redemption and heroism. Scrooge’s journey from miserly recluse to benevolent samaritan exemplifies the human capacity for change.

    By reflecting on his past, present, and future self, Scrooge discovered the best path forward – a process that applies to all forms of self-improvement.

    This story has insightful lessons that can apply to anyone’s life, no matter what situation they find themselves in. We can’t change the past chapters, but we can change how our story ends.

    Never forget you have the power to rewrite your life story at any time.


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    Steven Handel

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  • Death Sentences Are Doled Out Based on Looks

    Death Sentences Are Doled Out Based on Looks

    Though there are guidelines for when a convicted criminal merits the death penalty (in states that still have capital punishment), ultimately, the jury makes the decision. A new study finds that the facts of the case are not the sole determinant of whether or not a jury will issue a death sentence—based on the research, certain “untrustworthy” facial features appear to play a significant role in capital-punishment sentencing. 

    According to the study, published Dec. 14 in the journal Psychology Science, people associate certain facial features such as down-turned lips and heavy brows with being untrustworthy. It’s one of the earliest forms of stereotype bias humans learn—even babies prefer those without these traits—and scientists have found it affects outcomes such as who we select as leaders, who gets paid more, and criminal-sentencing outcomes.

    “There’s longstanding knowledge among practicing attorneys that jurors form impressions of defendants, oftentimes based on arbitrary unreliable characteristics,” says Craig Haney, a professor of psychology at the University of California, Santa Cruz. For example, decades of evidence suggest that Black defendants generally and defendants of any skin color accused of killing white females are more likely to be sentenced to death. 

    “Researchers have for decades used what’s called counter-stereotype interventions to reduce things like racial bias, gender bias, etc.,” says Jon Freeman, an associate professor of psychology at Columbia University, and an author of the new study. “We’ve been wanting to apply those same kinds of principles and take a very different approach to understanding facial stereotype biases as learned and malleable.” In Freeman’s study, he shows for the first time that facial bias can be accounted for with a short training when the death penalty is at stake.

    To test this, Freeman conducted a series of four experiments using images of 400 inmates convicted of murder in Florida, all white males, some of whom received a death sentence and some of whom received life in prison. In the first experiment, more than 450 volunteers were shown the images and asked to score each on trustworthiness and attractiveness. Before the exercise, a portion of the participants were put through a short training module designed to break the association between facial features and trustworthiness, in which traditionally “untrustworthy” faces were shown with descriptions of positive behaviors, and vice versa. Across the board, men who were sentenced to death were more likely to be labeled as untrustworthy by participants in the control group, with attractiveness scores closely related as well. In the trained group, however, trustworthiness didn’t predict real-world sentencing outcomes. 

    The other three experiments included similar trainings with slightly different tests afterwards, including one where participants were asked to make sentencing recommendations assuming full guilt and another where they were asked to do the same after being given the full details of a case. In each experiment, participants who received the training were less likely to fall into the same associative patterns.

    Read More: What My Week of Jury Duty Taught Me About Race

    That facial bias can be corrected so easily in the short term is really telling of just how unprepared jurors in the real world are, says Haney, who was not involved with the study. Jury selection is “a fairly crude process,” he says. “We really put jurors in the position of making profoundly important decisions, including the decision between life or death. And it’s a role for which they receive no training whatsoever.”

    A fundamental philosophical shift happens when capital punishment enters a courtroom, says Haney. Rather than looking at evidence to determine how an event occurred, when a jury is considering the death penalty, their analysis becomes about a person. “At that stage, they’ve been convicted,” Haney says, “Now, the question is, do they deserve the ultimate penalty or the next worst penalty? And that is very much a decision based on who [a jury] thinks the defendant is.” Any biases that jurors feel are more likely to bubble to the surface when making this more subjective moral evaluation.

    Still, training jurors before they sit in on actual cases just isn’t realistic yet, say Freeman and Haney. First, experts need to know more about how these different types of biases interact—trustworthiness, race, gender, and more all tend to be associated with one another in different ways that Freeman hopes to uncover by replicating his study with other populations of inmates. 

    Even with all the information in the world, says Haney, it’s unlikely that widespread anti-bias training for juries would ever be supported across the political spectrum. “I can imagine differences of opinion about what the content [of such training] should be,” he says. Second, and perhaps the biggest non-political barrier than anyone attempting to design an anti-bias jury training would encounter, is that short-term trainings like Freeman’s don’t tend to correct biases for much longer than it takes to run an experiment. Trials for capital offenses are often weekslong, and in research settings, lasting changes in implicit bias require repeated, regular interventions. But learning that attitudes towards facial features can be changed at all is “quite striking,” says Freeman. 

    “I think the larger point is that there are these biases, and there are things that can be done about them. And this is just one more way in which we don’t really prepare jurors for the all important role that they’re going to be asked to play,” says Haney. 

    More Must-Reads From TIME


    Contact us at letters@time.com.

    Haley Weiss

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  • Discover the Cognitive Benefits a 'Silent Retreat' | Entrepreneur

    Discover the Cognitive Benefits a 'Silent Retreat' | Entrepreneur

    Opinions expressed by Entrepreneur contributors are their own.

    Each summer, I take a few weeks off as CEO of Jotform, travel to my family’s farm in Turkey, and do my best to truly check out. Instead of tending to my inbox, I tend to our olive groves and go for long nature walks with my kids. As this time off unfolds, I inevitably begin to feel refreshed and re-energized. Upon returning to the office, this form of life hack produces thinking that’s reliably sharper, and I’m increasingly convinced that much of this has to do with the absence of noise, both internal and external.

    Their grounding in the principle that “…natural quiet has become an endangered species and needs to be protected” (as Condé Nast Traveler writer Sarah Allard phrases it in a 2023 article on vacation trends), “silent retreats” are on the rise. And though many of these literally encourage no talking, it seems that their effectiveness stems from a lack of informational/digital noise. A fascinating El Pais story by Silvia López Rivas includes a 2011 observation by then-Google CEO Eric Schmidt, who pointed out that until 2003, humans had produced an amount of information equivalent to five exabytes — the same quantity generated every two days in 2011. It has been estimated that by 2025, we’ll be creating 463 exabytes of information every single day. In short, the sound of information, already deafening, is poised to get much louder.

    Related: Did You Mess Up? Use This Astronaut’s “30-Second Rule” to Feel Better and Refocus

    The benefits of quiet

    Meditation retreats, even when they’re not totally silent, have been shown to deliver multifold benefits. One comprehensive study published in a 2016 edition of the Journal of Psychosomatic Research found that meditation retreats reliably reduced symptoms of stress, anxiety and depression, in part because of their ability to foster mindfulness — being fully present and engaged in the moment. It is, after all, virtually impossible to focus on creative work when your mind is racing. Mindfulness, meanwhile, leads to clearer and more innovative thinking.

    Many retreat participants additionally report that an extended experience of silence helped produce a better night’s sleep, and it’s no secret to anyone reading this that rest is fundamental to sharp cognition. A telling 2004 study from the University of Lübeck involved asking subjects to complete math problems that relied on algorithms, with shortcuts hidden deep within formulas. About 25% of the subjects discovered them at the outset, but given the chance to get eight hours of sleep, that figure rose to 59%.

    Related: You’ll Never Achieve Work-Life Balance — and You Shouldn’t, Reddit Co-Founder Alexis Ohanian Says

    Go easy at first

    It’s challenging to quit noise cold turkey. That’s why silent retreat organizers approach the process gradually. For example, they recommend that participants, especially first-timers, ease into the practice by refraining from checking phones for a few hours before arriving.

    Even if you’re not jetting off to retreat in a 16th-century castle in France, there are ways to proceed gradually into encouraging quiet, say by carving out just 15 daily minutes away from devices, emails, meetings, social media and news notifications.

    It’s tricky for me to commit to anything that isn’t scheduled, so I make regular appointments to have silent time. For me, mornings work best before the day has a chance to catch up. When the appointment pops up, I’m not deciding whether or not I’m in the mood to be silent; I just switch off devices and begin.

    Objectively observe your internal dialogue

    Making time for yourself in this way is, on its own, an achievement that will deliver myriad benefits, but applying some actionable advice can help take the practice one step further.

    During silent time at the office, I use some of the practices from Vipassana meditation — scanning my body from head to toe and paying attention to sensations. If my shoulders ache from a morning training session or my stomach grumbles after a skipped breakfast, I take note while tuning into what’s happening in my mind.

    The key is to not react, just observe, as many have found that engaging in this discipline helps both body and mind better tolerate painful and unpleasant situations.

    Related: How to Stop Information Overload in its Tracks

    Get comfortable with discomfort

    In our incredibly noisy world, sitting in silence can be jarring, and it’s not unusual to experience a knee-jerk need to escape from it. In a 2016 Guardian article, one journalist attending a silent retreat in New Zealand admitted to having the urge to run through the hall screaming. It’s perfectly natural to want to give up when you’re first engaging in this process, and that’s okay. The trick is to stop expecting perfection and learn to be with things as they are, which can reduce stress and anxiety and boost creativity and the need for productive connections with others.

    Related: A Simple Practice to Overcome the Fear of Uncertainty and Daily Stress

    Aytekin Tank

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  • Why Psychodermatology, a Holistic Approach to Skincare, Is Buzzing

    Why Psychodermatology, a Holistic Approach to Skincare, Is Buzzing

    It seems like there’s a new beauty industry buzzword every three days, right? But psychodermatology, the melding of the fields of dermatology and psychology, has been around for a while, with more and more people searching for it, commenting on it, and making content about it. It’s officially a thing… but really, what is psychodermatology?

    In its simplest definition, “Psychodermatology simply refers to the mind-skin connection,” says Dr. Josie Howard, a board-certified psychiatrist, psychodermatology specialist, and Proactiv Scientific Advisory Board Member based in both San Francisco and Austin. This mind-skin connection has seen a boon since the start of the pandemic, when self-care and wellness was certainly top of mind. But what exactly does it entail, how do you find a provider, and is it just another area to feel like we’re falling short in? Here, all the answers to psychodermatology. 

    What Is Psychodermatology?

    As mentioned, it’s a mind-skin connection. “In its most reductive form, psychodermatology is a micro-discipline that focuses on the interface between diseases of the skin and mind,” says Dr. Evan Rieder, a board-certified dermatologist and psychiatrist based in New York who has been writing and working in this medical intersection since the late 2000s. “Psychodermatology can be divided into four main clinical categories: skin conditions that are exacerbated by our emotional state; emotional disturbances that develop in response to skin conditions; primary psychological disorders without real skin disease; and cutaneous sensory disorders which may or may not be associated with psychiatric issues,” explains Dr. Jessie Cheung, a board-certified, Chicago-based dermatologist specializing in aesthetics, hormones and sexual health, and regenerative medicine. 

    Image: Getty Images; Adobe. Design: Sasha Purdy / StyleCaster

    The Practice of Psychodermatology

    Psychodermatology is, at least in the current zeitgeist and with its current naming, new. But the concept has been around for quite some time, dating back to Hippocrates. But our current lives—the stress of it all—has put more of a focus on the practice of psychodermatology. “The stress of the pandemic and the self-care movement have put a spotlight on psychodermatology, with the understanding that stress hormones negatively affect our skin by causing acne flares, hair loss, decreased microcirculation, and collagen breakdown,” says Dr. Cheung. 

    “There is certainly a cultural push towards wellness, optimizing mental health, and using self-care and skincare as vehicles to get to total body and mind optimization,” agrees Dr. Rieder, who notes that Gen Z in particular has had a hand in this holistic understanding of beauty and health. “A lot of this is coming from a place of lost control: an international pandemic, global conflicts, political and environmental instability, economic uncertainty, and more have led us to look for areas in which we can gain some semblance of control. Skin health and psychology are areas where we have the potential and desire to self-actualize.” 

    The Benefits, Considerations, & Limitations of Psychodermatology

    “I think sometimes people misconstrue psychodermatology as a burden, something else to put on the self-care list—like meditating your way to clear skin,” says Dr. Howard. “Psychodermatology in its best form is really about living the fullest life possible in the skin you’re in.” Focusing on the idea of the mind-body connection is one way to understand your own skin cycles and struggles, and find the right approach for you. (Though sometimes, this mind-body connection needs more addressing by one practitioner than another. For example, if your stress relief takes on the picking of one’s skin, this may be cause for you to talk to a mental health practitioner, not just a dermatologist, notes Dr. Cheung. “These obsessive behaviors can lead to a vicious cycle.”)

    In fact, Dr. Rieder notes that while psychodermatology is a burgeoning field, it’s a broad one, and many patients will perhaps find more solutions in talking to both mental health professionals and a dermatologist about skin conditions that are exacerbated by stress or vice versa. “Most people discussing psychodermatology mean well but have a cursory knowledge about the science and clinical presentation of these conditions,” he says. “There is a tendency to equate all skincare as psychodermatological. In some ways that is nice (if you treat your skin, you will feel better), but in others it’s quite simplistic to the point of being meaningless. There are a range of conditions that might be considered psychodermatological. This includes acne, the quintessential skin, psychology, and aesthetic condition, to conditions like body dysmorphic disorder and trichotillomania, which often require the expert care of a mental health professional.” 

    Image: Adobe. Design: Sasha Purdy / StyleCaster

    Should You See a Psychodermatology Specialist? 

    To find a “psychodermatologist” is a much harder thing to do than to understand the premise. “To clarify, this field is composed of dermatologists with mental health expertise and psychologists and psychiatrists with dermatology knowledge,” says Dr. Howard. She notes that there are three people in the country who are both board-certified in both psychiatry and dermatology. (Dr. Rieder, to note, is one of them.) “It’s important to find a provider who feels like a good fit for your needs—whom you can trust and feel comfortable discussing things that may be uncomfortable or embarrassing—like feelings of self-consciousness about skin outbreaks or the mental health impact of dealing with a skin condition. Oftentimes, this means finding a team of providers with complimentary knowledge and skills who can work together in a coordinated way.”

    “In some ways, most dermatologists who practice in the medical or aesthetic sphere incorporate elements of psychodermatologic practice into their workday. For many it’s very minimal,” says Dr. Reider. “However, others might unknowingly do things that are more in line with mental health professionals, like supportive psychotherapy (talk therapy) with people who they think are vulnerable or give prescription medications that act on the nervous system instead of the skin.”

    Reider adds, “When a dermatologist feels that they are out of their comfort zone or can no longer help, they will refer to a trusted colleague in the mental health sphere. Unfortunately, the practice of dermatology is based on high volume, short length patient interactions; most dermatologists do not have the bandwidth to take the time to do the lengthy evaluations that might be required for some complex disease processes.”

    How to Implement the Idea of Psychodermatology Into Your Life 

    All three psychodermatology experts note the increased understanding of the connection between your mind and your skin. “Any skin condition that can be worsened by stress, or any skin condition that causes stress can be considered psychodermatological. The key for me is attempting to minimize stress in all forms. While we can do that on a cursory level in the skin through various topicals (and sometimes systemic medications), at home stress modulation can be a vital component of a comprehensive program,” says Dr. Rieder. “There is no exact prescription, and everyone will respond to a different set of stress modulating techniques. However, keeping your circadian rhythms regular (i.e. going to sleep and getting up at the same time), exercising, and doing some kind of mindfulness activity (e.g. meditation, muscle relaxation, even deep breathing) on a regular basis can have profound effects on your daily functioning and your wellbeing.”

    “Basically, your skin reflects your internal health and your state of mind, and having healthy skin can boost your mood,” says Dr. Cheung. “I recommend working on your stress by doing whatever works for you—yoga, meditation, CBD, or Netflix. Start with your dermatologist if you’re having problems with your skin, and they can direct you to a psychiatrist or psychodermatology clinic if needed.” 

    All in all, know that you’re not alone in dealing with these issues, and having to figure out a routine that works best for you. “It is normal to experience impacts of skin issues that affect overall wellbeing and that this is something important to discuss with their provider—your feelings are valid and important,” says Dr. Howard. 

    Jonathan Borge

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  • 4 Japanese Concepts That Will Improve Your Well-Being

    4 Japanese Concepts That Will Improve Your Well-Being

    Embark on a journey to well-being with these four profound Japanese concepts: Ikigai for purpose, Moai for community, Hara Hachi Bu for mindful eating, and Kintsugi for resilience. Discover insights to a healthier and happier life in the modern world by embracing the ancient wisdom of Japanese culture.


    Culture is a powerful force that influences the type of person we become. In the pursuit of well-being, different cultures can often teach us different lessons on what it means to live a good life.

    First, what is culture? The American anthropologist Edward T. Hall created the “Cultural Iceberg” framework to help us analyze the many factors that determine what a culture is. The theory illustrates that only 10% of culture is what we see (language, diet, music, fashion), while 90% of culture is hidden from us (beliefs, values, norms, and expectations).

    Here’s what the “Cultural Iceberg” looks like:

    cultural iceberg

    Generally we see the culture we grew up in as the default mode of being. This includes how people dress, what people eat, and what music they listen to, but also deeper aspects of life such as beliefs, values, morality, and how people approach life from a broader perspective.

    Culture, tradition, and social norms shape our map of reality, the choices we make, and how we navigate our world. If you’re raised in a society that only values materialistic goals like money, fame, or popularity, you’re naturally going to live a life in accordance with those values, especially if they go unquestioned.

    When we explore new cultures through traveling, reading, or meeting new people, we learn that there are many different ways we can approach life and the way we were raised isn’t necessarily the only way to live.

    One simplified but general way we can categorize different types of culture is Western vs. Eastern ways of thinking. Western cultures tend to be more individualistic, rational, and materialistic, while Eastern cultures tend to be more collectivist, holistic, and spiritual.

    Keep in mind, these are broad categorizations. Every country and culture is different. This also isn’t a judgment of “right” or “wrong” ways of thinking, but rather observing different personality types on a cultural scale.

    My experience from a Western perspective is that learning about various aspects of Eastern culture and philosophy (such as Buddhism, Taoism, or Confucianism) gave me a taste for different ways to look at the world and different perspectives on life that I otherwise wouldn’t have been exposed to.

    One popular country to look at is Japan which has a rich history, deep cultural roots, and long-held traditions that have been passed down over multiple generations. In this article, we’re going to cover four powerful Japanese concepts that provide universal lessons on how to live a healthier and happier life. Each concept reveals core values and beliefs that shape the way many Japanese people live.

    These powerful ideas include: Ikigai (“a reason for being”), Moai (“meeting for a common purpose”), Hara Hachi Bu (“belly 80% full”), and Kintsugi (“golden repair”). Now let’s dive deeper into each one!

    Ikigai

    a reason for being

    The Japanese concept of “Ikigai” is about finding a purpose in life. It directly translates to “a reason for being,” and it’s often described as the intersection between what you love, what you are good at, and what the world needs.

    Ikigai is a combination between intrinsic motivation (an activity you enjoy doing) and extrinsic rewards (an activity that creates value in the world and improves people’s lives). Psychology research has shown that ikigai is associated with elevated feelings of dedication, accomplishment, meaning, and fulfillment.

    This is in contrast to a lot of other cultures that just see work as a means to a paycheck or higher income, rather than reframing work as something that serves a higher purpose, both to yourself and society as a whole.

    Ikigai has been shown to benefit both physical and mental health. It can reduce stress and anxiety, which contributes to longer lives and less risk of cardiovascular disease and other ailments. In addition, ikigai is associated with greater resilience in the face of negative events. One interesting study found that ikigai helped people better cope with stress after an earthquake or natural disaster.

    Here’s a visual of what constitutes ikigai:

    ikigai

    If you can find activities that meet all of these requirements, then you’ve found your ikigai.

    Discovering your ikigai can take time and patience though. It involves careful introspection, understanding your strengths, passions, and talents, and finding ways to use those powers to fulfill the needs of the world.

    Once you find your ikigai, it’s important to align your daily activities with it if you want to build a more purposeful and meaningful life.

    Moai

    meeting for a common purpose

    Human connection is vital for our well-being, and the Japanese practice of “Moai” emphasizes the strength of communal bonds.

    Moai refers to a group of people who come together for a shared purpose, providing emotional, social, and even financial support. Often a moai includes family, friends, and neighbors within a local community. They will see each other frequently, talk and catch up on each other’s lives, and organize group activities such as game nights, fitness groups, music performances, or dance parties.

    This tight sense of community provides an important sense of belonging. It also comes with physical benefits like healthier lifestyles, exercise, social connection, and financial support if someone finds themselves in a tough situation.

    In today’s world, many people are suffering from loneliness and depression. One major cause of this is hyper individualism and atomistic lifestyles that no longer promote community values. Many Americans report having zero close friends and only 38% say they have “5 friends or more.” This is in stark contrast to the moai way of life which can often include 10-12+ lifelong friends.

    While there’s plenty of research showing the physical and mental benefits of social support, one of the most common examples of moai can be found in Okinawa, Japan, which has been identified as a “blue zone.”

    Blue zones are places around the world that are associated with better health and longevity. Often there are high numbers of centenarians in them (or people who have lived over 100). The recent Netflix documentary Live to 100: Secrets of the Blue Zones by public health researcher Dan Buettner has a great episode dedicated to Okinawa that shows how the moais work there.

    Many health professionals and experts are now claiming we are in a “loneliness epidemic,” with over 1 in 4 adults saying they feel socially isolated. This can have serious health consequences such as increased risk of anxiety, depression, heart disease, stroke, dementia, and overall shorter lifespans. The negative effects of loneliness have been compared to the effects of daily cigarette smoking.

    As communities continue to decline and feelings of social alienation increase, the moai mentality is needed now more than ever.

    Hara Hachi Bu

    belly 80% full

    In a culture often associated with healthy living and longevity, the Japanese concept of “Hara Hachi Bu” teaches us the art of mindful eating. Translated as “belly 80% full,” this practice encourages moderation in our meals.

    Obesity is a growing problem around the entire world. Recent reports show that 39% of the global population in 2023 is obese or overweight, and this is a sharp increase from 23.9% in 2008. If this trend continues, researchers predict that over half of the global population will have obesity by 2035.

    One factor in this rise in obesity is having abundant access to ultraprocessed foods, including the convenience of fast food and junk food. The modern diet is filled with supernormal foods that hijack our natural instincts for sugar, salts, and rich flavor, which is why many people end up over-eating during meals or late night binging.

    The lesson of Hara Hachi Bu is more relevant now than ever. By reminding ourselves to only eat until we are 80% full, we encourage slower and more mindful eating. This lets you enjoy your meal more by paying attention to each bite and savoring it, rather than quickly moving from one bite to the next without fully appreciating it.

    Many people eat unconsciously. Often it’s eating while watching TV/movies, checking their phones, scrolling social media, or socializing with friends. Their main focus is on one thing, while eating is just something happening in the background. These distractions can lead you to eat more than you otherwise would.

    Slowing down your eating will lead to less consumption, better digestion, and improved body awareness of how you respond to certain foods, the best times of the day to eat (or not), and what it feels like to be “50% full” → “80% full” → “100% full” → “110% full.”

    Adopting Hara Hachi Bu not only contributes to physical well-being by maintaining a healthy weight but also cultivates a mindful approach to eating that can lead to a stronger connection with the food we consume.

    Kintsugi

    golden repair

    Derived from the Japanese words “kin” (golden) and “tsugi” (repair), Kintsugi is the art of repairing broken pottery with lacquer mixed with powdered gold, silver, or platinum.

    Here’s what it looks like:

    kintsugi

    Instead of hiding the cracks and flaws, the practice of kintsugi embraces the broken parts by highlighting them in gold. It celebrates its imperfections, while at the same time making them stronger and more beautiful.

    Many find inspiration when applying this concept to their personal lives. It helps them to accept the challenges and obstacles they’ve had to face over the years – the physical, mental, and emotional battle scars – and see them as jumping points for growth and improvement.

    No one’s life is perfect. We all suffer from weaknesses, flaws, insecurities, and vulnerabilities. Our instinct is to hide them, ignore them, or deny them, but the paradox is that when we accept them is when we actually become stronger.

    Kintsugi promotes resilience, growth, and grit. It shows that no matter how many times you get broken, you can always repair yourself in gold.

    Conclusion

    Each of these Japanese concepts – Ikigai, Moai, Hara Hachi Bu, and Kintsugi – offers a kernel of wisdom that we can all apply to our daily lives.

    While these ideas are ancient, they are more relevant to modern living than ever before. Ikigai teaches us meaning and purpose, Moai teaches us social connection, Hara Hachi Bu teaches us mindful eating, and Kintsugi teaches us growth and resilience.

    Which concept do you need to embrace the most right now?


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    Steven Handel

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  • Why It's OK to Say No to That Party You're Dreading

    Why It's OK to Say No to That Party You're Dreading

    Don’t stress about turning down that holiday party invitation. A new study suggests your host won’t care as much as you think.

    The research, published Dec. 11 in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, finds that people tend to overestimate the negative ramifications of declining social plans, assuming that saying no will upset the person who invited them and damage the relationship. But in a series of experiments, the researchers found that hosts just weren’t that bothered when people declined invites—certainly less than their invitees expected.

    Some study participants played the role of host, while others played the role of invitee. The inviters were told to imagine they’d asked a friend out for a fun activity, like seeing a museum exhibition or attending a dinner prepared by a celebrity chef, while the invitees were told to imagine they’d turned down the offer because they wanted to relax at home. The researchers asked the invitees how much they expected the “no” RSVP to anger or disappoint their friend, as well as how it would affect their relationship in the future. The inviters were asked the same questions from the opposite perspective.

    In all five experiments in the study, invitees overestimated the social consequences of turning down an invitation. This result held true regardless of activity type, who asked them to do it, how many other people were invited, and even whether the scenario was real or hypothetical. Real-life romantic couples were tested in one experiment, with one partner asking the other to do an activity and the other saying no.

    Psychological studies have long shown that people’s perceptions of their own behavior don’t always match up with how others see them. Previous studies have shown, for example, that people consistently think they’re less likable than they really are, and underestimate the positive effects of reaching out to people while overestimating the awkwardness.

    One reason for the mismatch in expectations in the new study, the authors write, may be that people tend to think their loved ones will fixate on their action (saying no) more than their reasoning (being tired and wanting to relax), when that’s not necessarily the case. Other researchers have also theorized that people often overestimate how much their presence will affect other people’s enjoyment of an event and over-exaggerate the negative consequences that result from refusing a request.

    The takeaway? There’s no need to let a sense of obligation lead you to an overly crammed social calendar. Chances are, it really is okay to say no to that party or book club you’re dreading.

    One caveat is that all the scenarios in the new study were fairly low-stakes activities, as opposed to milestone events like a wedding or baby shower. Missing those, the authors write, may take a larger toll on relationships. The study also didn’t address the effects of repeatedly turning down a friend’s offers, or canceling existing plans at the last minute. Different cultures may also have different social expectations that could affect the results, the authors note.

    And, they add, the findings shouldn’t dissuade people from going to any social events. Strong relationships are key to good health, staving off loneliness, boosting mental well-being, and potentially even improving heart health and other physical markers of wellness. So be sparing with your declines—but issue them without angst when you must.

    Jamie Ducharme

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  • How a Business Coach Can Help You Set Better Goals | Entrepreneur

    How a Business Coach Can Help You Set Better Goals | Entrepreneur

    Opinions expressed by Entrepreneur contributors are their own.

    Entrepreneurship is one of life’s most thrilling but complex challenges. The world is rapidly changing, competition is fierce, and technology is evolving seemingly faster than the global economy can keep up. Leaders, including small company owners, need more than just business acumen to stand out and grow; they require a uniquely strategic mindset to anticipate shifts and set the right goals.

    The good news is that this doesn’t have to be acquired in a vacuum: Business coaches have the potential to provide a wide range of expertise and support, including helping make tough decisions and plotting company trajectories.

    Core principles

    Business coaching is a dynamic and personalized professional relationship, and its goal is to help individuals — particularly entrepreneurs and other business leaders — unlock their full potential and achieve specific goals. Good ones provide insights, strategic guidance and skill development techniques, and great ones offer motivational support to help maintain a positive mindset. Perhaps most importantly, these professionals serve as accountability partners by ensuring that clients stay focused and committed to goals, both personal and professional.

    It’s important to understand how such coaching varies from traditional mentoring and consulting. The former is typically more of an informal relationship in which a seasoned individual shares know-how and advice with someone less experienced. Consulting, by contrast, tends to be a formal and specialized service in which an expert is paid to provide specific solutions and recommendations.

    By contrast, a business coach’s mandate often embraces a non-directive approach — leading clients to find their own solutions and insights. Over the last hundred years, this profession has transformed from straightforward performance issues problem-solving to providing proactive strategies for both professional and personal growth, emphasizing leadership and soft skills. Many integrate positive psychology into a holistic approach that maximizes intellectual flexibility and nimbleness.

    Related: 7 Ways to Promote a Company Culture of Accountability

    Leveraging a coach to enhance goal-setting

    While setting performance benchmarks is essential for any leader, this can be an especially challenging feat for entrepreneurs, as their egos are often tied up in the success of businesses. For this reason, many tend to set unrealistic and overly ambitious goals. Even with the best intentions, this can backfire, leaving feelings of defeat and frustration in its wake.

    One of the most effective ways to set realistic goals for a small business is to follow SMART (specific, measurable, achievable, relevant and time-bound) methodology. Still, even with such an analysis in place, an outside perspective can be invaluable. A coach’s job is to understand your aspirations, help translate them into achievable benchmarks, lead you through the goal-setting process and hold you accountable for achieving them.

    Related: What Are SMART Goals and How Can You Set and Achieve Them?

    The right choice

    Not surprisingly, there are thousands of professionals in this sector, and it’s vital to consider carefully before settling on one. A great place to start is having a firm grasp of your unique needs or objectives, both personally and professionally. If the goal is to transform a business into a socially responsible organization by implementing ESG strategies, for example, be rigorous in establishing that candidates have demonstrable bone fides in that area. In short, evaluate credentials because there are legions out there who — though perhaps charming and otherwise persuasive — can’t back up success claims. So, a thorough vetting process must include obtaining accounts from past clients who have benefited materially from their services (or not).

    Once you have a potential candidate, arrange an initial consultation. This is the perfect time to understand how completely this person understands what you are trying to accomplish and whether there is good conversational chemistry. Be ready to engage in often deep and vulnerability-provoking conversations: You must feel comfortable opening up.

    Related: 4 Keys to Successful and Lasting Entrepreneurship

    You’ve spent blood, sweat, tears and funds investing in success, and seeking help to foster ongoing improvement and growth is a transformative step for any professional. Leveraging the expertise and guidance of a business coach can be the most impactful decision you make for your journey to be as fruitful and enduring as possible.

    Nicholas Leighton

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  • No antibiotics worked, so this woman turned to a natural enemy of bacteria to save her husband's life | CNN

    No antibiotics worked, so this woman turned to a natural enemy of bacteria to save her husband's life | CNN



    CNN
     — 

    In February 2016, infectious disease epidemiologist Steffanie Strathdee was holding her dying husband’s hand, watching him lose an exhausting fight against a deadly superbug infection.

    After months of ups and downs, doctors had just told her that her husband, Tom Patterson, was too racked with bacteria to live.

    “I told him, ‘Honey, we’re running out of time. I need to know if you want to live. I don’t even know if you can hear me, but if you can hear me and you want to live, please squeeze my hand.’

    “All of a sudden, he squeezed really hard. And I thought, ‘Oh, great!’ And then I’m thinking, ‘Oh, crap! What am I going to do?’”

    What she accomplished next could easily be called miraculous. First, Strathdee found an obscure treatment that offered a glimmer of hope — fighting superbugs with phages, viruses created by nature to eat bacteria.

    Then she convinced phage scientists around the country to hunt and peck through molecular haystacks of sewage, bogs, ponds, the bilge of boats and other prime breeding grounds for bacteria and their viral opponents. The impossible goal: quickly find the few, exquisitely unique phages capable of fighting a specific strain of antibiotic-resistant bacteria literally eating her husband alive.

    Next, the US Food and Drug Administration had to greenlight this unproven cocktail of hope, and scientists had to purify the mixture so that it wouldn’t be deadly.

    Yet just three weeks later, Strathdee watched doctors intravenously inject the mixture into her husband’s body — and save his life.

    Their story is one of unrelenting perseverance and unbelievable good fortune. It’s a glowing tribute to the immense kindness of strangers. And it’s a story that just might save countless lives from the growing threat of antibiotic-resistant superbugs — maybe even your own.

    “It’s estimated that by 2050, 10 million people per year — that’s one person every three seconds — is going to be dying from a superbug infection,” Strathdee told an audience at Life Itself, a 2022 health and wellness event presented in partnership with CNN.

    “I’m here to tell you that the enemy of my enemy can be my friend. Viruses can be medicine.”

    sanjay pkg vpx

    How this ‘perfect predator’ saved his life after nine months in the hospital

    During a Thanksgiving cruise on the Nile in 2015, Patterson was suddenly felled by severe stomach cramps. When a clinic in Egypt failed to help his worsening symptoms, Patterson was flown to Germany, where doctors discovered a grapefruit-size abdominal abscess filled with Acinetobacter baumannii, a virulent bacterium resistant to nearly all antibiotics.

    Found in the sands of the Middle East, the bacteria were blown into the wounds of American troops hit by roadside bombs during the Iraq War, earning the pathogen the nickname “Iraqibacter.”

    “Veterans would get shrapnel in their legs and bodies from IED explosions and were medevaced home to convalesce,” Strathdee told CNN, referring to improvised explosive devices. “Unfortunately, they brought their superbug with them. Sadly, many of them survived the bomb blasts but died from this deadly bacterium.”

    Today, Acinetobacter baumannii tops the World Health Organization’s list of dangerous pathogens for which new antibiotics are critically needed.

    “It’s something of a bacterial kleptomaniac. It’s really good at stealing antimicrobial resistance genes from other bacteria,” Strathdee said. “I started to realize that my husband was a lot sicker than I thought and that modern medicine had run out of antibiotics to treat him.”

    With the bacteria growing unchecked inside him, Patterson was soon medevaced to the couple’s hometown of San Diego, where he was a professor of psychiatry and Strathdee was the associate dean of global health sciences at the University of California, San Diego.

    “Tom was on a roller coaster — he’d get better for a few days, and then there would be a deterioration, and he would be very ill,” said Dr. Robert “Chip” Schooley, a leading infectious disease specialist at UC San Diego who was a longtime friend and colleague. As weeks turned into months, “Tom began developing multi-organ failure. He was sick enough that we could lose him any day.”

    Patterson's body was systemically infected with a virulent drug-resistant bacteria that also infected troops in the Iraq War, earning the pathogen the nickname

    After that reassuring hand squeeze from her husband, Strathdee sprang into action. Scouring the internet, she had already stumbled across a study by a Tbilisi, Georgia, researcher on the use of phages for treatment of drug-resistant bacteria.

    A phone call later, Strathdee discovered phage treatment was well established in former Soviet bloc countries but had been discounted long ago as “fringe science” in the West.

    “Phages are everywhere. There’s 10 million trillion trillion — that’s 10 to the power of 31 — phages that are thought to be on the planet,” Strathdee said. “They’re in soil, they’re in water, in our oceans and in our bodies, where they are the gatekeepers that keep our bacterial numbers in check. But you have to find the right phage to kill the bacterium that is causing the trouble.”

    Buoyed by her newfound knowledge, Strathdee began reaching out to scientists who worked with phages: “I wrote cold emails to total strangers, begging them for help,” she said at Life Itself.

    One stranger who quickly answered was Texas A&M University biochemist Ryland Young. He’d been working with phages for over 45 years.

    “You know the word persuasive? There’s nobody as persuasive as Steffanie,” said Young, a professor of biochemistry and biophysics who runs the lab at the university’s Center for Phage Technology. “We just dropped everything. No exaggeration, people were literally working 24/7, screening 100 different environmental samples to find just a couple of new phages.”

    While the Texas lab burned the midnight oil, Schooley tried to obtain FDA approval for the injection of the phage cocktail into Patterson. Because phage therapy has not undergone clinical trials in the United States, each case of “compassionate use” required a good deal of documentation. It’s a process that can consume precious time.

    But the woman who answered the phone at the FDA said, “‘No problem. This is what you need, and we can arrange that,’” Schooley recalled. “And then she tells me she has friends in the Navy that might be able to find some phages for us as well.”

    In fact, the US Naval Medical Research Center had banks of phages gathered from seaports around the world. Scientists there began to hunt for a match, “and it wasn’t long before they found a few phages that appeared to be active against the bacterium,” Strathdee said.

    Dr. Robert

    Back in Texas, Young and his team had also gotten lucky. They found four promising phages that ravaged Patterson’s antibiotic-resistant bacteria in a test tube. Now the hard part began — figuring out how to separate the victorious phages from the soup of bacterial toxins left behind.

    “You put one virus particle into a culture, you go home for lunch, and if you’re lucky, you come back to a big shaking, liquid mess of dead bacteria parts among billions and billions of the virus,” Young said. “You want to inject those virus particles into the human bloodstream, but you’re starting with bacterial goo that’s just horrible. You would not want that injected into your body.”

    Purifying phage to be given intravenously was a process that no one had yet perfected in the US, Schooley said, “but both the Navy and Texas A&M got busy, and using different approaches figured out how to clean the phages to the point they could be given safely.”

    More hurdles: Legal staff at Texas A&M expressed concern about future lawsuits. “I remember the lawyer saying to me, ‘Let me see if I get this straight. You want to send unapproved viruses from this lab to be injected into a person who will probably die.’ And I said, “Yeah, that’s about it,’” Young said.

    “But Stephanie literally had speed dial numbers for the chancellor and all the people involved in human experimentation at UC San Diego. After she calls them, they basically called their counterparts at A&M, and suddenly they all began to work together,” Young added.

    “It was like the parting of the Red Sea — all the paperwork and hesitation disappeared.”

    The purified cocktail from Young’s lab was the first to arrive in San Diego. Strathdee watched as doctors injected the Texas phages into the pus-filled abscesses in Patterson’s abdomen before settling down for the agonizing wait.

    “We started with the abscesses because we didn’t know what would happen, and we didn’t want to kill him,” Schooley said. “We didn’t see any negative side effects; in fact, Tom seemed to be stabilizing a bit, so we continued the therapy every two hours.”

    Two days later, the Navy cocktail arrived. Those phages were injected into Patterson’s bloodstream to tackle the bacteria that had spread to the rest of his body.

    “We believe Tom was the first person to receive intravenous phage therapy to treat a systemic superbug infection in the US,” Strathdee told CNN.

    “And three days later, Tom lifted his head off the pillow out of a deep coma and kissed his daughter’s hand. It was just miraculous.”

    Patterson awoke from a coma after receiving an intravenous dose of phages tailored to his bacteria.

    Today, nearly eight years later, Patterson is happily retired, walking 3 miles a day and gardening. But the long illness took its toll: He was diagnosed with diabetes and is now insulin dependent, with mild heart damage and gastrointestinal issues that affect his diet.

    “He isn’t back surfing again, because he can’t feel the bottoms of his feet, and he did get Covid-19 in April that landed him in the hospital because the bottoms of his lungs are essentially dead,” Strathdee said.

    “As soon as the infection hit his lungs he couldn’t breathe and I had to rush him to the hospital, so that was scary,” she said. “He remains high risk for Covid but we’re not letting that hold us hostage at home. He says, ‘I want to go back to having as normal life as fast as possible.’”

    To prove it, the couple are again traveling the world — they recently returned from a 12-day trip to Argentina.

    “We traveled with a friend who is an infectious disease doctor, which gave me peace of mind to know that if anything went sideways, we’d have an expert at hand,” Strathdee said.

    “I guess I’m a bit of a helicopter wife in that sense. Still, we’ve traveled to Costa Rica a couple of times, we’ve been to Africa, and we’re planning to go to Chile in January.”

    Patterson’s case was published in the journal Antimicrobial Agents and Chemotherapy in 2017, jump-starting new scientific interest in phage therapy.

    “There’s been an explosion of clinical trials that are going on now in phage (science) around the world and there’s phage programs in Canada, the UK, Australia, Belgium, Sweden, Switzerland, India and China has a new one, so it’s really catching on,” Strathdee told CNN.

    Some of the work is focused on the interplay between phages and antibiotics — as bacteria battle phages they often shed their outer shell to keep the enemy from docking and gaining access for the kill. When that happens, the bacteria may be suddenly vulnerable to antibiotics again.

    “We don’t think phages are ever going to entirely replace antibiotics, but they will be a good adjunct to antibiotics. And in fact, they can even make antibiotics work better,” Strathdee said.

    In San Diego, Strathdee and Schooley opened the Center for Innovative Phage Applications and Therapeutics, or IPATH, in 2018, where they treat or counsel patients suffering from multidrug-resistant infections. The center’s success rate is high, with 82% of patients undergoing phage therapy experiencing a clinically successful outcome, according to its website.

    Schooley is running a clinical trial using phages to treat patients with cystic fibrosis who constantly battle Pseudomonas aeruginosa, a drug-resistant bacteria that was also responsible for the recent illness and deaths connected to contaminated eye drops manufactured in India.

    And a memoir the couple published in 2019 — “The Perfect Predator: A Scientist’s Race to Save Her Husband From a Deadly Superbug” — is also spreading the word about these “perfect predators” to what may soon be the next generation of phage hunters.

    VS Phages Sanjay Steffanie

    How naturally occurring viruses could help treat superbug infections

    “I am getting increasingly contacted by students, some as young as 12,” Strathdee said. “There’s a girl in San Francisco who begged her mother to read this book and now she’s doing a science project on phage-antibiotic synergy, and she’s in eighth grade. That thrills me.”

    Strathdee is quick to acknowledge the many people who helped save her husband’s life. But those who were along for the ride told CNN that she and Patterson made the difference.

    “I think it was a historical accident that could have only happened to Steffanie and Tom,” Young said. “They were at UC San Diego, which is one of the premier universities in the country. They worked with a brilliant infectious disease doctor who said, ‘Yes,’ to phage therapy when most physicians would’ve said, ‘Hell, no, I won’t do that.’

    “And then there is Steffanie’s passion and energy — it’s hard to explain until she’s focused it on you. It was like a spiderweb; she was in the middle and pulled on strings,” Young added. “It was just meant to be because of her, I think.”

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  • Role Models Worksheet (PDF)

    Role Models Worksheet (PDF)

    Who do you look up to in life? We are a product of our influences. Complete this “Role Models” worksheet to create an endless resource of people you can be motivated and inspired by.


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    Steven Handel

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  • Conflict Resolution: 4 Principles Behind Constructive and Peaceful Negotiation

    Conflict Resolution: 4 Principles Behind Constructive and Peaceful Negotiation


    In a world filled with conflict and hostility, one of the most important skills we can learn in life is conflict resolution and our ability to negotiate peacefully and effectively.


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  • WTF Fun Fact 13537 – Apologies in the Workplace

    WTF Fun Fact 13537 – Apologies in the Workplace

    In a study by the University of Arizona, researchers revealed that non-stereotypical apologies in the workplace can enhance communication. This study challenges conventional norms, emphasizing the power of breaking gender stereotypes in apologies to repair trust and foster collaboration.

    Gender Stereotypes and Apologies in the Workplace

    Sarah Doyle led a research team to explore the nuances of effective apologies in professional settings. Their focus? The impact of gender stereotypes on the perception of apologies. Traditional masculine language, characterized by assertiveness and confidence, and feminine language, known for its warmth and nurturing qualities, were used as benchmarks. Surprisingly, the research found that apologies that deviate from these gender norms were perceived as more effective.

    Celebrity Apologies on Social Media

    The research commenced with an analysis of celebrity apologies on Twitter. This platform, a hub for public statements, provided a rich dataset of 87 apology tweets from various celebrities. The response to these tweets revealed a pattern. Female celebrities who used masculine language in their apologies received higher engagement and more positive reactions.

    The study extended beyond the virtual world into more relatable workplace scenarios. Researchers created situations involving accountants and nurses making mistakes and issuing apologies. Participants in these studies consistently found counter-stereotypical apologies more effective.

    For women, using a counter-stereotypical apology increased the perceived effectiveness by an average of 9.7%, and for men, by 8.2%.

    The Impact of Counter-Stereotypical Apologies

    This research underscores the importance of moving beyond stereotypical patterns in our apologies. By adopting language and approaches that defy gender norms, individuals can enhance the impact of their apologies, leading to better outcomes in conflict resolution and trust-building.

    The findings from the University of Arizona research team suggest that the way we construct apologies is as important as the frequency with which we offer them. This shift in focus from quantity to quality in apologies could pave the way for more effective communication strategies in diverse settings.

    The study’s results have significant implications for professional environments, where effective communication is crucial. By encouraging individuals to break free from stereotypical language patterns in apologies, organizations can foster a more inclusive and collaborative atmosphere.

    Rethinking the Construction of Apologies in the Workplace

    As we move forward, this research encourages a deeper consideration of how we construct our apologies. The study highlights the potential for nuanced, thoughtful apologies to make a substantial difference in interpersonal relationships and professional settings.

    The University of Arizona’s study on apology psychology offers a fresh perspective on effective communication. By challenging gender stereotypes in the language of apologies, individuals can enhance trust and collaboration in the workplace. This research not only adds a new dimension to our understanding of apologies but also opens avenues for future exploration in communication dynamics.

     WTF fun facts

    Source: “Apology psychology: Breaking gender stereotypes leads to more effective communication” — ScienceDaily

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  • Yes, You Can Get Better at Saying No

    Yes, You Can Get Better at Saying No

    There’s a common malfunction that occurs when well-intentioned people open their mouths to say no: The word “yes” tumbles out instead.

    We’ve all been there, says Vanessa Bohns, department chair and professor of organizational behavior at Cornell University. No is a deceptively short, simple word that can trigger several layers of anxiety for the person trying to say it. For starters: What does it reveal about our character? “We worry that we’re essentially communicating that we’re not a helpful person; we’re not a nice, kind person; we’re not a team player,” Bohns says. “We’re too lazy to take something on, or we don’t want to work hard.”

    At the same time, she adds, we’re likely stressing over how that “no” might offend the other person, and what it conveys about our relationship with them. As Bohns puts it, you might think “it’s telling the person, ‘Your standing with me is not what you thought it was. We’re not actually that close.’” In reality, however, such concerns are often overblown.

    In fact, there’s an array of benefits associated with learning to say no. “If you’re saying yes to everything, people are more likely to ask you again and again,” says Bohns, who’s the author of You Have More Influence Than You Think. “You wind up being the person who gets all the asks, and that can lead to burnout, problems with work-life balance, feeling like you’re being taken advantage of, and a loss of autonomy.” Plus, an inability to say no could cause priorities such as hobbies, relationships, or projects to suffer. “Each time we say yes to something, we’re implicitly saying no to something else,” Bohns points out.

    Saying no with conviction begins with having a clear sense of what is and isn’t worth your time. That can become fuzzy, especially given social pressure and the weight of obligation. Gain clarity by utilizing a simple cost-benefit framework, suggests Vanessa Patrick, associate dean for research at the Bauer College of Business at the University of Houston, and author of The Power of Saying No. Essentially, you’ll weigh the costs of saying yes for you against the benefits for the other person, and then make a judgment.

    Some requests, for example, will be easy for you to do and confer great benefit to the asker. Writing letters of recommendation falls into this category for Patrick. “As a professor, it’s relatively easy to do—but the benefit to my students is huge. They could get into the college of their dreams,” she says. Others will require a lot of work on your end, and not mean a great deal to the people on the other side. “I call these ‘bake your famous lasagna’ asks,” she says. Imagine you’re invited to a dinner party, and someone asks you to make a fancy dish that calls for hours of preparation. “Yes, it might be delicious, and it might be something you’re famous for, but it’s going to be on the table with everybody else’s store-bought cookies,” she says. It’s not worth the time—so say no with oomph.

    If that still makes you shudder with dread, remember that practice helps. Experts say these strategies can help you get better at saying no.

    Be intentional about what you communicate.

    You might have heard the tip that “no” is a complete sentence. Sure—but as Bohns points out, leaving it at that is often pretty uncomfortable. Instead, she advises communicating three things: “It’s not because of me, it’s not because of you, and it’s not because of us.” 

    One way to do that is by thanking people for thinking of you—which reassures them that they didn’t do anything wrong by asking. Then, follow-up with a short explanation: “I wish I could, but I just don’t have the time right now.” That helps make it clear that your “no” isn’t a poor reflection of your own character (you would do it); it’s not the other person (you appreciate the ask); and it’s not an indictment of the relationship (it’s simply circumstantial), Bohns says.

    Have a planned phrase for more casual encounters. 

    Not every situation, of course, calls for such a thoughtful approach. Think through times when you’ve gotten stressed over delivering a quick “no,” and then brainstorm phrases you could use in the future. Bohns, for example, is often asked to donate to some cause or another as she checks out at the grocery store. She now has a go-to response: “I already donated this year.” “It’s true, and it’s a way of saying, essentially, that I’m still a good person,” she says. Having a planned phrase in mind makes these potentially awkward scenarios much more comfortable.

    Read more: 6 Ways to Set Boundaries at Work—Even When It’s Uncomfortable

    Buy time. 

    If you tend to accidentally say yes whenever you’re put on the spot, find ways to buy time. You might say, for example: “Let me think about it and I’ll get back to you,” Bohns suggests. Or: “Let me check and I’ll respond by email.” That way, you can spend time privately processing the request, making a mindful decision, and if necessary, declining in whatever format is most palatable, whether that’s electronically or in person.

    Be matter of fact.

    Delivery is everything when you’re saying no. Aim to be matter of fact, advises Ellen Hendriksen, a clinical psychologist and author of How to Be Yourself. That means not over-apologizing or otherwise acting as though you’re doing something wrong. “If we signal that this is no big deal, and we’d like to help but can’t, that sets the tone for a more neutral interaction,” she says. One way to do that: “I counsel students to ask difficult questions in the same tone of voice they would use to order a sandwich,” she says. That strategy can be applied to saying no, too. You can’t help your sister-in-law’s second cousin move into her new apartment? Treat it like you’re ordering a tuna sub, hold the mayo.

    Adopt the broken-record technique.

    There’s always that one guy who won’t take no for an answer. If someone is applying undue pressure, utilize what Hendriksen describes as the broken-record technique. “It’s sticking to your answer—giving the same answer again and again,” she says. “You don’t have to be soulless about it; you can empathize and be polite. But it’s important not to let your no evolve into a ‘maybe’ or an ‘OK, just this once.’” Occasionally, the asker will get irritated, she adds—but usually after two or three times repeating yourself, even the most persistent people will get the message.

    Read more: 8 Rules for Navigating Your Family Text Chain

    Reinforce your message with body language. 

    It’s important to align your body language with what you’re saying verbally. That could mean smiling, leaning forward, or parting with a hug to make it clear that your no is about you and not a rejection of the other person, Patrick says. “It will help you come across much more persuasively in your refusal,” she says. Meanwhile, aim to avoid body language that indicates you’re nervous or vulnerable; for example, by averting eye contact.

    Carry a visual reminder of why your “no” matters.

    If you say yes to that committee at work, or to bringing two dozen cupcakes to book club, what will you miss out on? Bohns suggests carrying an inspirational photo that serves as a reminder. “It could be your dog; it could be your kid,” she says. “It could be some hobby that you love.” Put it near your computer or phone, and when you really don’t want to do something—but feel obligated to say yes—it will give you strength. Pick it up and remember: “If I say yes to this, I’m basically saying no to when my daughter asks me if we have some free time to read a book later.”

    Ask people questions in a way that allows them to say no.

    As you fine-tune your “no” skills, consider making it easier for other people to decline your requests, too. It benefits both parties, Bohns points out: Most of us would prefer to receive one final no than to have someone say yes—only to bail at the last minute. Because it’s difficult for people to say no when they’re put on the spot, especially in face-to-face situations, word your request in a way that allows them time to think about it. When discussing a project with her grad students, for example, she often says: “I think you might like this project, but I don’t want you to feel pressure. Sleep on it, and then shoot me an email.”

    Bohns’ unpublished research suggests that when making a request, we often say, “You can totally say no.” But the people we’re talking to know that—the problem is they can’t figure out how to say it. One solution, then, is to give them the words to do so. For example, you might put it like this: “If you don’t want to do it, just say you can’t right now.” “Basically give them a phrase that’s acceptable to say back to you,” Bohns says. “Like, ‘Here’s some words I will accept as a no.’ We’ve found that makes people more comfortable.”

    Angela Haupt

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  • Explain Yourself: The Healthy Challenge of Describing Your Beliefs

    Explain Yourself: The Healthy Challenge of Describing Your Beliefs


    How effectively can you explain yourself to others? Learn to embrace the healthy challenge of describing your beliefs to sharpen your thinking and worldview.


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    The post Explain Yourself: The Healthy Challenge of Describing Your Beliefs appeared first on The Emotion Machine.

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  • “Did my pill cause cancer?” Women describe how the pill changed their lives

    “Did my pill cause cancer?” Women describe how the pill changed their lives

    About 150 million women around the world take the pill, mostly for birth control but also to regulate periods or reduce acne.

    The combined (estrogen and progesterone) pill and progesterone-only pill are more than 90 percent effective as birth control, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

    Millions of women take the tablets without any issues, but some experience serious physical and mental side-effects. Newsweek contacted pill users in North America, Europe and Australia to find out more.

    One woman in the U.S., who did not want to be named, told Newsweek her personality changed so drastically that she had to be assessed for borderline personality disorder.

    Clockwise from top left: Sarah Graham, Rylie Lane and Kira Holli. All three women spoke to Newsweek about how the pill affected them.

    Another woman, who also did not want to be named, said the two weeks she spent on the pill were among the worst of her life. “I was depressed and I wanted to beat my husband up,” she said. “I was so depressed and angry. It really messed up my hormones.”

    Side-effects and risks

    The Government Office on Women’s Health states that the combined pill, first approved in 1960, can have side-effects including headaches, upset stomachs, sore breasts, period changes, mood changes, weight gain and high blood pressure. “Less common but serious risks include blood clots, stroke and heart attack; the risk is higher in smokers and women older than 35,” it adds.

    The progesterone-only tablet, or mini-pill, can have side-effects including irregular, weight gain, sore breasts, headaches and nausea, according to the office, which is part of the Department of Health and Human Services.

    Below, Newsweek talks to four women about how their years on the pill affected them—and to doctors about how common their experiences are.

    Struggling To Get Pregnant After Coming Off Pill

    Jane Jones (not her real name) was 15 when her doctor prescribed the pill. “I was experiencing painful ovarian cysts. My doctor had told me that going on the pill would reduce them,” she told Newsweek.

    Jones, now 45 and boss of a PR consulting firm in Washington, was on the pill until she was 29, despite “frequent mood swings and terrible headaches before my cycle each month.”

    She stopped taking it, but her periods stopped too. Many women find it can take a few months for their cycles to “reset.” For Jones, this lasted a few years, a condition known as post-pill amenorrhea.

    “This lack of cycle went on for a while before I realized anything was wrong,” she said. “At first, I was relieved not to have the headaches often or at all, which is why I didn’t talk to my doctor right away.”

    By her early thirties, she wanted to start a family. Her obstetrician-gynecologist said she should consult an endocrinologist to find out why she wasn’t ovulating.

    Post-pill amenorrhea can be related to problems with the thyroid, polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS), primary ovarian insufficiency, stress and even over-exercise.

    Jones said: “My doctor told me it was likely as a result of my cycle not regulating on its own after being on birth control. Ironically, the first thing they did was put me back on birth control to restart my cycle. It worked to reset everything.”

    After this, she “spent about eight years in and out of fertility treatment.” The headaches returned even worse than before, as she was having extra hormone injections.

    “I recall feeling overwhelmed and unsure,” she said. Fertility treatment “was very hard on me and those around me.”

    The treatment worked and Jones is now a mom of two. She argues that although the pill helps regulate menstrual cycles, the side-effects are “not fun. If I had the choice in taking the pill or not taking it again, I would not.”

    Newsweek asked Dr. Semiya Aziz, a general practitioner in London, about the pill and fertility. She said: “Contrary to many women’s beliefs, using hormonal birth control does not affect the woman’s ability to have a baby in the future.”

    Aziz, who also gives health advice on the British TV show This Morning, pointed out that the pill could actually disguise problems that do affect fertility, such as irregular periods, PCOS and endometriosis.

    ‘I Asked the Doctor, Did the Pill Cause the Cancer?’

    Sarah Graham, who lives in Liverpool, U.K., was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer in 2021 when she was just 26, after she found a lump while checking her breasts in the shower.

    She had a lumpectomy, plus 16 rounds of chemotherapy and 21 rounds of radiotherapy. Now 28 and cancer free, Graham believes her illness was down to being on the pill for 10 years.

    “I had no family history of cancer at all. I had multiple genetic screenings which all came back negative, showing no new mutations. It was basically potluck,” she told Newsweek.

    “They say that your chance of getting cancer is also defined by environmental factors, but my sister has never had it and we grew up together.”

    She added: “When I was diagnosed, the first thing I was told was that I need to stop taking the pill because it contains hormones that will continue to feed the cancer. If I gave my body any more, it would just eat it up and make the cancer spread.”

    Graham had taken the combined pill for seven years and the mini-pill for three, without any breaks. She had switched to the mini-pill because the combined tablet was giving her migraines.

    After her diagnosis, she asked her doctor whether the pill had played a role, but the physician evaded her question and Graham was left feeling that the topic was “taboo.”

    “I asked the doctor, did the pill cause the cancer? She just said that we can’t say yes, but I’ve got no family history of cancer, I’m so young and the only thing that I’d taken was this contraception,” she said.

    Graham now talks about her experiences on social media to alert other women. “I feel like doctors offer us the pill so flippantly, because it helps with acne and heavy periods as well as protecting against pregnancy, but you should be told about the breast cancer risk.

    “You should be given an informed talk, and you should be told to start checking for lumps. I probably wouldn’t be here, or I’d be in a worse state, if I didn’t check.”

    Scientific research has found the combined pill can increase the risk of breast and cervical cancer and, in March this year, University of Oxford scientists reported a similar “slight increase in breast cancer risk” linked to the mini-pill.

    The National Cancer Institute (NCI) states that “an analysis of data from more than 150,000 women” who had participated in 54 studies showed that women who had used oral contraceptives had a 7 percent increased risk of breast cancer while women who were currently using oral contraceptives had a 24 percent higher risk.

    This risk declines once the user has stopped taking the pill. “No risk increase was evident by 10 years after use had stopped,” according to the institute.

    The NCI also points out that studies have found “the risks of endometrial, ovarian and colorectal cancers are reduced” in woman taking the pill.

    Aziz pointed out that the reduced risk of ovarian cancer was particularly apparent in women who carry the harmful mutation BRCA1 and BRCA2 genes.

    She added that most of the studies on cancer risk are observational and “unable to definitively establish the fact that exposure to the oral contraceptive may cause or prevent cancer.”

    This is because women who take the pill may differ from those who don’t in many ways—and those other differences could explain the varying cancer risk.

    Three Women Speak Out About The Pill
    Stock image of contraceptive pills on a pharmacy counter. The combined pill was first approved by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration in 1960.
    Getty

    ‘I Could Have Had So Much More Out of Life’

    Rylie Lane is a health and mindset coach based in Melbourne, Australia. The 27-year-old was prescribed the combined pill at 18 and stayed on it for almost nine years.

    “I experienced cystic acne, mood changes, depression, anxiety, gut health issues and out-of-character reactions,” Lane told Newsweek.

    “Within the first few weeks of being off the pill, I felt like a normal person again. I had so much energy and full enjoyment in life. It really felt like my real personality had been repressed for years.”

    She added that she’d tried “many different things” to lift and regulate her mood, to no avail.

    Looking back, she said, “I know that coming off the pill would have fixed those problems, but back then there was no education about what the pill could do to your body. I could have had so much more out of life over those years.”

    She added: “The pill shouldn’t be the default mode of contraception that we’re offered.”

    ‘I Became Really Sad and Really Argumentative’

    Kira Holli, 20, had a similar experience to Lane on the combined pill. The production assistant from Manchester, north-west England, took it for nine months between September 2020 and June 2021, before her partner pointed out how much she had changed.

    “I became really sad and really argumentative too. I’m lucky, though. I feel we caught what it was doing to me early,” Holli told Newsweek.

    She’s now scared to go back on any type of hormonal contraception, for fear it could have the same effects despite the different brand names.

    Dr. Nathan Goodyear, medical director at Brio Medical in Arizona, told Newsweek that hormonal “contraception and mood disruptions” go hand in hand.

    Although many women who stop taking the pill do so “due to intolerable side-effects such as changes in mood,” as Aziz put it, the evidence on the link is mixed.

    A review of research studies, published in 2016, said it was “difficult to make strong conclusions about which CHC [combined hormonal contraception] users are at risk for adverse mood effects. Until more prospective data is available, clinicians should recognise that such effects are infrequent.”

    A study of more than 1 million women in Denmark, published in November 2016, suggested adolescents who were prescribed the pill had a higher risk of developing depression, and a Swedish study this year reported similar results.

    Writing about the Danish research on the Harvard Health Blog, Dr. Monique Tello said: “Should we stop prescribing hormonal birth control? No. It’s important to note that while the risk of depression among women using hormonal forms of birth control was clearly increased, the overall number of women affected was small.”

    She added: “I plan to discuss this possibility with every patient when I’m counseling them about birth control, just as I would about increased risk of blood clots and, for certain women, breast cancer. In the end, every medication has potential risks and benefits.”

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