ReportWire

Tag: Liberalism in the United States

  • Bill Maher Returns To Show Over Fears Aging Fan Base Will Die Off Before Writers’ Strike Ends

    Bill Maher Returns To Show Over Fears Aging Fan Base Will Die Off Before Writers’ Strike Ends

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    LOS ANGELES—In a controversial move earning him the ire of the Writers Guild of America, television host Bill Maher confirmed this week that he would cross picket lines to put his show Real Time back on the air, citing concerns his aging fan base would die off before the writers’ strike ended. “Look, the fact is, we have no idea how long this thing could go on, and the people who actually enjoy my show are dying off by the day,” said the comedian and WGA member, explaining that his producers had shown him a series of actuarial charts and warned that his show would need a ratings bump this fall before his remaining viewers began to enter hospice. “I wish I could help out the writers, but my captive audience of people who are literally too old and infirm to change the channel when Real Time With Bill Maher comes on is not long for this world.” According to recent Nielsen ratings, the majority of households tuning into Real Time are occupied by individuals whose in-home caregivers have not yet entered the room to discover they are dead.

    This Week’s Most Viral News: September 15, 2023

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  • U.S. Announces First 10 Drugs For Medicare Price Negotiation

    U.S. Announces First 10 Drugs For Medicare Price Negotiation

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    The Biden administration released its list of the first 10 drugs that Medicare will negotiate for price cuts with drugmakers, including some of the most widely prescribed or expensive drugs for conditions such as heart disease, diabetes, and autoimmune conditions. What do you think?

    “My brand of cigarettes better be on that list.”

    Horace Steinberg, Unemployed

    Archaeologists Uncover Living Guy By Mistake

    “It’s exciting to see America edge closer to ‘developed nation’ status.”

    Elyssa Moore, Knee Model

    “This will only encourage more people to develop atrial fibrillation.”

    Dinesh Rao, Hydration Supervisor

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  • RFK Jr.’s Most Outrageous Remarks

    RFK Jr.’s Most Outrageous Remarks

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    Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has a long history of making problematic remarks and hawking conspiracy theories. The Onion examines some of his most controversial statements.

    “I can do decent push-ups.”

    “I can do decent push-ups.”

    Image for article titled RFK Jr.’s Most Outrageous Remarks

    Flexing your elbows ever so slightly while you lower yourself half an inch toward the ground is not a fucking push-up.

    “I am a lifelong Democrat.”

    “I am a lifelong Democrat.”

    Image for article titled RFK Jr.’s Most Outrageous Remarks

    Anyone unwilling to switch political parties for personal gain has no business becoming president.

    “Dr. Anthony Fauci should be hanged for treason.”

    “Dr. Anthony Fauci should be hanged for treason.”

    Image for article titled RFK Jr.’s Most Outrageous Remarks

    Federal law states that all executions must be carried out by lethal injection.

    “I am the guy on money.”

    “I am the guy on money.”

    Image for article titled RFK Jr.’s Most Outrageous Remarks

    RFK Jr. is almost definitely not the guy on money.

    “Gorillas are genetically engineered to make men feel bad about their bodies.”

    “Gorillas are genetically engineered to make men feel bad about their bodies.”

    Image for article titled RFK Jr.’s Most Outrageous Remarks

    If this is true, then why are most gorillas under 6 feet tall?

    “America’s best days are ahead.”

    “America’s best days are ahead.”

    Image for article titled RFK Jr.’s Most Outrageous Remarks

    Get this lunatic back to the asylum.

    “The government wants you to think it’s the second door on your left.”

    “The government wants you to think it’s the second door on your left.”

    Image for article titled RFK Jr.’s Most Outrageous Remarks

    Jesus, just say where the bathroom is.

    “Jews.”

    Image for article titled RFK Jr.’s Most Outrageous Remarks

    That’s all he said, but we didn’t like his tone.

    “I was the leader of the environmental movement.”

    “I was the leader of the environmental movement.”

    Image for article titled RFK Jr.’s Most Outrageous Remarks

    Thankfully, he did such a good job that it’s not a problem anymore, freeing him up to worry about things like cancel culture and deplatforming.

    “Covid-19 was created by the National Park Service to get people to enjoy hiking.”

    “Covid-19 was created by the National Park Service to get people to enjoy hiking.”

    Image for article titled RFK Jr.’s Most Outrageous Remarks

    He also repeatedly claimed that Yosemite caused autism.

    “I have a Dippin’ Dots machine at my house.”

    “I have a Dippin’ Dots machine at my house.”

    Image for article titled RFK Jr.’s Most Outrageous Remarks

    “The bullet that killed my father was Jewish.”

    “The bullet that killed my father was Jewish.”

    Image for article titled RFK Jr.’s Most Outrageous Remarks

    He’s repeatedly claimed the bullet that killed his father was Jewish, making the same claim about the bullet that killed his uncle JFK and the small plane that killed his cousin JFK Jr.

    “Vaccines cause autism.”

    “Vaccines cause autism.”

    Image for article titled RFK Jr.’s Most Outrageous Remarks

    He was simply quoting the distinguished pediatric neurologist Jenny McCarthy.

    “Autism gives you wings.”

    “Autism gives you wings.”

    Image for article titled RFK Jr.’s Most Outrageous Remarks

    To be fair, he said this while very tired and staring at a can of Red Bull.

    “I assassinated my uncle, John F. Kennedy.”

    “I assassinated my uncle, John F. Kennedy.”

    Image for article titled RFK Jr.’s Most Outrageous Remarks

    Everyone knows JFK was killed by the polio vaccine.

    “Our great-great-grandfather drove all the Jews out of Massachusetts.”

    “Our great-great-grandfather drove all the Jews out of Massachusetts.”

    Image for article titled RFK Jr.’s Most Outrageous Remarks

    While wrongheaded and antisemitic, it seems like it’s a really important part of his understanding of his family’s lore.

    “I’m the hottest Kennedy.”

    “I’m the hottest Kennedy.”

    Image for article titled RFK Jr.’s Most Outrageous Remarks

    The most attractive Kennedy was Joseph Kennedy Sr. and everyone knows it.

    You’ve Made It This Far…

    You’ve Made It This Far…

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  • FBI Celebrates With Traditional Martin Luther King Jr. Assassination Day Cake

    FBI Celebrates With Traditional Martin Luther King Jr. Assassination Day Cake

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  • Kamala Harris Assures Public No One Has Given Her Single Classified Document

    Kamala Harris Assures Public No One Has Given Her Single Classified Document

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    WASHINGTON—Stressing that there was a “zero-percent chance” she had mishandled sensitive information, Vice President Kamala Harris assured the American public Friday that no one had given her a single classified document. “Not to look at, not even to hold—frankly, I couldn’t even tell you where they’re kept,” said Harris, who held a press conference to announce that even if she had had access to classified government documents, she wouldn’t dream in a million years of taking her work home with her, and that most of the binders in her office were empty anyway. “Please take comfort when I say I have no security clearance, on any level. My key fob doesn’t even work most days, and I have to text someone on my staff to come let me in. Yesterday, I stood outside the White House in the cold for 15 minutes before anyone came to get me.” At press time, Harris admitted that she had once taken home a roll of paper towels.

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