“I can do decent push-ups.”
Flexing your elbows ever so slightly while you lower yourself half an inch toward the ground is not a fucking push-up.
“I am a lifelong Democrat.”
Anyone unwilling to switch political parties for personal gain has no business becoming president.
“Dr. Anthony Fauci should be hanged for treason.”
Federal law states that all executions must be carried out by lethal injection.
“I am the guy on money.”
RFK Jr. is almost definitely not the guy on money.
“Gorillas are genetically engineered to make men feel bad about their bodies.”
If this is true, then why are most gorillas under 6 feet tall?
“America’s best days are ahead.”
Get this lunatic back to the asylum.
“The government wants you to think it’s the second door on your left.”
Jesus, just say where the bathroom is.
“Jews.”
That’s all he said, but we didn’t like his tone.
“I was the leader of the environmental movement.”
Thankfully, he did such a good job that it’s not a problem anymore, freeing him up to worry about things like cancel culture and deplatforming.
“Covid-19 was created by the National Park Service to get people to enjoy hiking.”
He also repeatedly claimed that Yosemite caused autism.
“I have a Dippin’ Dots machine at my house.”
“The bullet that killed my father was Jewish.”
He’s repeatedly claimed the bullet that killed his father was Jewish, making the same claim about the bullet that killed his uncle JFK and the small plane that killed his cousin JFK Jr.
“Vaccines cause autism.”
He was simply quoting the distinguished pediatric neurologist Jenny McCarthy.
“Autism gives you wings.”
To be fair, he said this while very tired and staring at a can of Red Bull.
“I assassinated my uncle, John F. Kennedy.”
Everyone knows JFK was killed by the polio vaccine.
“Our great-great-grandfather drove all the Jews out of Massachusetts.”
While wrongheaded and antisemitic, it seems like it’s a really important part of his understanding of his family’s lore.
“I’m the hottest Kennedy.”
The most attractive Kennedy was Joseph Kennedy Sr. and everyone knows it.
