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Tag: Non-interventionism

  • RFK Jr.’s Most Outrageous Remarks

    RFK Jr.’s Most Outrageous Remarks

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    Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has a long history of making problematic remarks and hawking conspiracy theories. The Onion examines some of his most controversial statements.

    “I can do decent push-ups.”

    “I can do decent push-ups.”

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    Flexing your elbows ever so slightly while you lower yourself half an inch toward the ground is not a fucking push-up.

    “I am a lifelong Democrat.”

    “I am a lifelong Democrat.”

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    Anyone unwilling to switch political parties for personal gain has no business becoming president.

    “Dr. Anthony Fauci should be hanged for treason.”

    “Dr. Anthony Fauci should be hanged for treason.”

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    Federal law states that all executions must be carried out by lethal injection.

    “I am the guy on money.”

    “I am the guy on money.”

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    RFK Jr. is almost definitely not the guy on money.

    “Gorillas are genetically engineered to make men feel bad about their bodies.”

    “Gorillas are genetically engineered to make men feel bad about their bodies.”

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    If this is true, then why are most gorillas under 6 feet tall?

    “America’s best days are ahead.”

    “America’s best days are ahead.”

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    Get this lunatic back to the asylum.

    “The government wants you to think it’s the second door on your left.”

    “The government wants you to think it’s the second door on your left.”

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    Jesus, just say where the bathroom is.

    “Jews.”

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    That’s all he said, but we didn’t like his tone.

    “I was the leader of the environmental movement.”

    “I was the leader of the environmental movement.”

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    Thankfully, he did such a good job that it’s not a problem anymore, freeing him up to worry about things like cancel culture and deplatforming.

    “Covid-19 was created by the National Park Service to get people to enjoy hiking.”

    “Covid-19 was created by the National Park Service to get people to enjoy hiking.”

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    He also repeatedly claimed that Yosemite caused autism.

    “I have a Dippin’ Dots machine at my house.”

    “I have a Dippin’ Dots machine at my house.”

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    “The bullet that killed my father was Jewish.”

    “The bullet that killed my father was Jewish.”

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    He’s repeatedly claimed the bullet that killed his father was Jewish, making the same claim about the bullet that killed his uncle JFK and the small plane that killed his cousin JFK Jr.

    “Vaccines cause autism.”

    “Vaccines cause autism.”

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    He was simply quoting the distinguished pediatric neurologist Jenny McCarthy.

    “Autism gives you wings.”

    “Autism gives you wings.”

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    To be fair, he said this while very tired and staring at a can of Red Bull.

    “I assassinated my uncle, John F. Kennedy.”

    “I assassinated my uncle, John F. Kennedy.”

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    Everyone knows JFK was killed by the polio vaccine.

    “Our great-great-grandfather drove all the Jews out of Massachusetts.”

    “Our great-great-grandfather drove all the Jews out of Massachusetts.”

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    While wrongheaded and antisemitic, it seems like it’s a really important part of his understanding of his family’s lore.

    “I’m the hottest Kennedy.”

    “I’m the hottest Kennedy.”

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    The most attractive Kennedy was Joseph Kennedy Sr. and everyone knows it.

    You’ve Made It This Far…

    You’ve Made It This Far…

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  • Joe Rogan Stunned After 5-Year-Old Informs Him That Horseys Come From Outer Space

    Joe Rogan Stunned After 5-Year-Old Informs Him That Horseys Come From Outer Space

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    AUSTIN—Expressing astonishment at the new mind-blowing revelation, podcaster and former Fear Factor host Joe Rogan was reportedly stunned Tuesday after a 5-year-old told him that horseys come from outer-space. “Whoa, this is huge, man—nobody in the mainstream media is talking about this,” said Rogan, speaking to his guest, self-proclaimed space horsey expert Noah Cooper, in an interview that drew widespread online criticism that Cooper’s kindergarten credentials did not make him an authority on the origins of horseys. “So, wait, you’re telling me that the horseys that we see all around us slid down from outer space on a rainbow? It’s wild how all the studies that found evidence that horses eat stars are being censored. I mean, obviously you know better than anyone since, like you said, you’ve been to space a bajillion times.” At press time, Joe Rogan challenged any horse who refuted these claims to come on the podcast to debate the kindergartener.

    Lies Men Will Tell To Get You To Sleep With Them

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  • Texts From Tucker Carlson That Got Him Fired

    Texts From Tucker Carlson That Got Him Fired

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    “I hate the way you talk to me, And the way you cut your hair. / I hate the way you drive my car, I hate it when you stare. / I hate your big dumb combat boots, and the way you read my mind. / I hate you so much it makes me sick, It even makes me rhyme. / I hate the way you’re always right, I hate it when you lie. / I hate it when you make me laugh, Even worse when you make me cry. / I hate it when you’re not around, And the fact that you didn’t call. / But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you, Not even close, Not even a little bit, Not even at all.”

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  • Fox News Viewers React To Tucker Carlson’s Exit

    Fox News Viewers React To Tucker Carlson’s Exit

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    “This is a HUGE victory for American PATRIOTS…somehow. Because now Tucker can FINALLY SAY WHAT HE WANTS, which I guess he wasn’t doing before? Honestly, it seemed like he pretty much did and said whatever he wanted and it worked out pretty well, but now the DEEP STATE can’t MUZZLE TUCKER anymore, although frankly that didn’t seem to be the case previously? I mean, any honest reading of the situation would have to reckon with the reality that Tucker’s prominence at the network basically emboldened him to make whatever claims he wanted, although maybe the financial repercussions in this case finally worked against him. So that’s pretty much a matter of the market, rather than any issue with free speech. Which is why I am not totally sure why this is a GLORIOUS DAY for FREE SPEECH and REAL AMERICANS, but it definitely, totally, somehow is.”

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