Tag: joy

There’s nothing wrong with wanting something more for you life, and by extension, seeking more happiness. But as neuroscientist Tara Swart M.D. tells mindbodygreen, that state between “being” and “becoming” can be a very unhappy state, because all you’re focused on is the fact that you’re not yet where you want to be. 

Say you were to visualize a Venn diagram, for instance, where one circle is your present self and the other is your ideal self. “If those circles sit completely over each other, then obviously, you’re living your best life. If they’re overlapping but not much, or they’re completely separate from each other, then that gap is a source of unhappiness, because it’s a focus on what you desire that you haven’t achieved yet,” Swart explains.

And when you focus on that gap, that discordance between who you are and who you want to be, “you don’t acknowledge you small wins or achievements along the way, and you just keep moving onto the next or bigger thing,” Swart says, adding, “and that will create a state of lack in your brain.”

Bestselling author Morgan Housel, who released Same As Ever: A Guide to What Never Changes this past year, echoed this point on a recent episode of the mindbodygreen podcast, noting, “What really matters for your happiness is not your circumstances; It’s the gap between your circumstances and your expectations.”

As he explains, if your definition of success increases with every goal you achieve, you’re never truly satisfied. The key, then, is to accept the fact that improving your circumstances won’t result in lasting happiness. Manage your expectations, however, and you’ll likely feel content, Housel says.

We spend so much time analyzing and obsessing over the bad stuff in our lives and our pasts, which can lead our brains to notice too much negativity. Or, of course, for our nervous systems to continuously be re-triggered. So it makes absolute sense to use our mental energy to, instead, look for the good stuff that nourishes and heals us—and that’s what glimmers are all about.

The term “glimmer” was first introduced by social worker Deb Dana in her book, The Polyvagal Theory In Therapy: Engaging The Rhythm Of Regulation. They’re micro-moments that make us feel happier, hopeful, safe, and connected. And the best thing is, we can easily access them by looking for them. 

Seeking out glimmers is a particularly helpful practice in the neurodiverse community, with occupational therapist Bec Secombes describing them as “a satisfying sensory delight that fills someone with fervent ecstasy.”

Populations like the highly sensitive and neurodiverse have a threat-response learning system that is more sensitive and attuned to threats, but this very same nervous system also adapts quickly to cues and environments that are safe and supportive. In other words, the glimmer detectors are like metal detectors on steroids—they are cranked up and ever ready to revel in the beauty of life.