WASHINGTON—Having been alive as far back as 1933, Sen. Dianne Feinstein of California, a trailblazer in being old, died Thursday night at age 90. “Sen. Feinstein, born Dianne Goldman, started off young but through hard work and dedication rose through the ranks to become very, very old,” said the late Democrat’s chief of staff, James Sauls, who in prepared remarks to reporters cited Feinstein’s many career highlights, such as turning 88 years old in 2021, turning 89 years old in 2022, and, just this year, turning 90. “Her remarkable persistence as the oldest sitting U.S. senator made her a role model to nonagenarians everywhere. Across the nation tonight, little girls will find inspiration in her story, knowing that they, too, can one day grow up to be incredibly old.” Sauls added that while Feinstein did not fulfill her longtime goal of clinging to power in the Senate as long as her late mentor in aging, the 100-year-old Strom Thurmond, she nonetheless spent her final years shattering expectations for what an unbelievably infirm and exhausted person can and should do.
Tag: Dianne
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Senate Freaking Out After Dianne Feinstein Gets Her Hands On Gun
WASHINGTON—Thrown into a panic when the confused 89-year-old appeared on the Senate floor randomly pointing a firearm at various colleagues, lawmakers reportedly freaked out Friday after Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) got her hands on a gun. “Good God, someone get that thing away from her!” said Sen. Joe Manchin (D-WV), who ducked behind a chair as Feinstein rolled down the aisle and waved a 9 mm semiautomatic handgun in several faces, screaming that there were terrorists hiding in the attic and they had been poisoning her food. “She clearly doesn’t understand what she’s doing. If someone puts their hands up and approaches her slowly, maybe she’ll just give it to you. It’s probably not loaded. There’s no way she’s still lucid enough to know how to—oh, shit, hit the deck!” At press time, after appearing surprised to realize where she was and what she was doing, Feinstein was said to have calmly and systemically shot every member of Congress who has called for her resignation.
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Sen. Feinstein Faces Increased Pressure From Hallucination Of JFK Yelling At Her To Step Down
SAN FRANCISCO—With the powerful Democrat making frequent appearances before her and urging her to resign her seat, Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) reportedly faced increased pressure Friday from a hallucination of the late former President John F. Kennedy yelling at her to step down. “The party, Dianne! Think of the party!” said an apparition of the 35th president who is visible only to Feinstein and has served as her top aide since he entered her hospital room last month, trailing behind him the endless brain tissue that continually oozes from a wound in his skull. “There is nothing left for you in the Senate, Dianne, or indeed in this earthly realm. Soon you will carry out the ultimate service to your country by joining me on the other side. And together, we will govern the afterlife!” At press time, Feinstein told sources she felt betrayed after discovering the phantasm of Kennedy was merely angling to be appointed to her vacant Senate seat.
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Katie Porter Uses Whiteboard To Explain To Dianne Feinstein Why This Her Office Now
WASHINGTON—Circling the words “dead soon” for emphasis, Rep. Katie Porter (D-CA) reportedly used a whiteboard Wednesday to explain to Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) why the public office held by Feinstein for 30 years belonged to Porter now. “So as you can see here, the average life expectancy for a woman in the United States is 79 years, and come 2024, you’ll be 91—if you’re lucky—and that’s just too old!” said Porter, who drew a stick figure that was hunched over and leaning on a cane, along with several arrows that appeared to indicate the figure was about to tumble into an open grave. “Me, I’ll only be 51. But you, well, pretty soon you’re going to be down there in the ground. So you can’t stay here. Are you still following me, Dianne? This office is mine.” At press time, sources confirmed Porter had been forced to wipe the board clean and start over by explaining that the Hart Senate Office Building was not Feinstein’s home and she did not live there.
