WASHINGTON—Thrown into a panic when the confused 89-year-old appeared on the Senate floor randomly pointing a firearm at various colleagues, lawmakers reportedly freaked out Friday after Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) got her hands on a gun. “Good God, someone get that thing away from her!” said Sen. Joe Manchin (D-WV), who ducked behind a chair as Feinstein rolled down the aisle and waved a 9 mm semiautomatic handgun in several faces, screaming that there were terrorists hiding in the attic and they had been poisoning her food. “She clearly doesn’t understand what she’s doing. If someone puts their hands up and approaches her slowly, maybe she’ll just give it to you. It’s probably not loaded. There’s no way she’s still lucid enough to know how to—oh, shit, hit the deck!” At press time, after appearing surprised to realize where she was and what she was doing, Feinstein was said to have calmly and systemically shot every member of Congress who has called for her resignation.
