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Tag: DeSantis

  • Americans Explain Why Mitch McConnell Should Step Down

    Americans Explain Why Mitch McConnell Should Step Down

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    After a second incident in which the Kentucky senator froze up during a press conference, The Onion asked Americans to explain why Mitch McConnell should step down, and this is what they said.

    Dana Boone, Radiologist

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    “You really shouldn’t be exposed to sunlight if you’re 85% goo or more.”

    Harrison Newburn, Dermatologist

    Harrison Newburn, Dermatologist

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    “It’s time his family members stepped in and placed him in a lobbying firm.”

    Jerry Vito, Butcher

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    “He’s already at that meat-falling-off-the-bone stage.”

    Alice Schenk, Doctor

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    “As a physician specializing in geriatric medicine, I can say it is clear from the video that he is old as shit.”

    Derek Chambers, Bird Enthusiast

    Derek Chambers, Bird Enthusiast

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    “We need lawmakers who approach policy with a fresher, more youthful view of white supremacy.”

    Parker Olmstead, Pet Sitter

    Parker Olmstead, Pet Sitter

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    “I’m delusional enough to think we can get a Democrat elected in his place.”

    Bailey Vance, Aesthetician

    Bailey Vance, Aesthetician

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    “I think we can all agree there should be term limits for politicians we don’t like.”

    Benjamin Lawrence, Judge

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    “I’m really into the idea of retirement being the beginning of something amazing! Mitch still has 40 or 50 years to devote to becoming an amazing figure skater or watercolor artist.”

    Lana Cleek, Sales Manager

    Lana Cleek, Sales Manager

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    “I think we should set the age limit for any politician at 12.”

    Marisol Lopez, Realtor

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    “We specifically set up our society to guarantee that our nation’s elderly would wither away into nothingness out of sight of the rest of us.”

    Mitch McConnell, U.S. Senator

    Mitch McConnell, U.S. Senator

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    Roberta Hill, Mechanical Engineer

    Roberta Hill, Mechanical Engineer

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    “His mental infirmities are slightly weirder and more difficult to get my head around than those of our other major political leaders.”

    Katherine Avila, Graphic Designer

    Katherine Avila, Graphic Designer

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    “I know if that were my elderly father up there, I’d want him beheaded for the evil he’s inflicted upon America.”

    Ignacio Wilson, IT Developer

    Ignacio Wilson, IT Developer

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    “The daily work of stigmatizing trans kids and forcing women to give birth takes incredible concentration, and I just think Mitch is getting too old to do that.”

    Joe Cousins, Bond Trader

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    “I’d like to be able to look at my senator without vomiting.”

    Elaine Hampton, Pharmacist

    Elaine Hampton, Pharmacist

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    “I’m sure he’s still got a lot of slurs left to say on his bucket list.”

    Elaine Chao, Wife

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    “I require pleasuring at home.”

    George Eng, Phlebotomist

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    “We the living cannot allow ourselves to be ruled by the dead.”

    Patricia Farnsworth, Maître D’

    Patricia Farnsworth, Maître D’

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    “He deserves some time to relax before spending eternity in hell.”

    You’ve Made It This Far…

    You’ve Made It This Far…

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  • Ron DeSantis Booed Off Stage After Flashing His Stomach

    Ron DeSantis Booed Off Stage After Flashing His Stomach

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    DES MOINES, IA—Triggering an ear-splitting backlash from voters gathered at the Iowa State Fair, Ron DeSantis was reportedly booed off stage this week after flashing his stomach on stage. Several reports indicated that DeSantis stopped speaking mid-sentence at the campaign event to lift his shirt into the air, silently exposing the entirety of his plump abdomen to the crowd of Republican voters, who immediately began heckling the candidate. According to eye witness accounts, the Florida governor attempted to regain control of the room by giving his stomach a single enthusiastic slap, which only further provoked the furious crowd to take off their own shirts, ball up the garments, and pelt the candidate, screaming “Cover up, freak” and “We want Trump’s tummy.” At press time, the DeSantis campaign had issued a statement clarifying that the candidate was trying to communicate that he was hungry to end wokeness.

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  • Financial Problems Force Ron DeSantis Campaign To Fire Wife

    Financial Problems Force Ron DeSantis Campaign To Fire Wife

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    TALLAHASSEE, FL—Faced with declining contributions as the Florida Republican competes to win his party’s nomination for the White House, Gov. Ron DeSantis’ presidential campaign announced Monday that financial problems had forced it to fire his wife, former television host Casey DeSantis. “In order to remain competitive as we prepare for next year’s primaries, we had to make some tough decisions, and unfortunately Mrs. DeSantis will no longer be a part of our team,” said campaign manager Generra Peck, explaining that, ultimately, her job was to get Ron DeSantis to the finish line, and Casey DeSantis was an unnecessary luxury. “We’re in a period of tightening our belts, so all her responsibilities of being a supportive spouse who champions her husband will be divided among the remaining campaign staffers. Once the financial situation improves, we could possibly hire her back as a part-time spousal contractor to pose for photos as DeSantis’ wife every now and then, but right now her role is not economically feasible.” Peck added that the campaign was already looking to replace DeSantis’ children with cheaper migrant labor.

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  • Here are the Republicans running for president as former Texas Rep. Will Hurd enters the 2024 race

    Here are the Republicans running for president as former Texas Rep. Will Hurd enters the 2024 race

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    The increasingly crowded 2024 Republican presidential field is up to 12 relatively well-known contenders. The latest to declare his candidacy is former Texas Rep. Will Hurd, who entered the race Thursday.

    Hurd singled out both President Joe Biden and former President Donald Trump in his announcement, saying Biden would win re-election if Trump secured the GOP nomination. Trump has a big lead in polls of Republican primary voters.

    The ex-congressman joins several other presidential hopefuls who have thrown their hats in the ring this month. Miami Mayor Francis Suarez launched his bid last week, and two weeks ago, former Vice President Mike Pence, former New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie and current North Dakota Gov. Doug Burgum all formally kicked off their campaigns.

    Meanwhile, Virginia Gov. Glenn Youngkin said last month that he won’t be on the presidential campaign trail in 2023 because of elections to his state’s legislature in November, but he appears to have left the door open to a 2024 White House run.

    Below is MarketWatch’s list of Republican presidential contenders and the status of their candidacies.

    Trump grabbed the spotlight this month as he pleaded not guilty on June 13 following his federal indictment on 37 charges, including unauthorized retention of classified documents and obstruction of justice.

    See: Latest Trump indictment could help him in the 2024 GOP primary but not in the general election, analysts say

    Plus: Trump calls latest indictment ‘election interference’

    On the Democratic side, Biden officially launched his re-election campaign in April, even as most Americans don’t approve of his performance. The president has been talking up the strong job market and his legislative record.

    The first official debate of the GOP presidential primary is slated to be held in Milwaukee on Aug. 23. The Republican National Committee said there will be a second debate on Aug. 24 if “enough candidates qualify to make it necessary.”

    The list above features relatively high-profile names, but there are lesser-known GOP presidential hopefuls as well, such as Aaron Day, who is known in part for his 2016 run against former Sen. Kelly Ayotte of New Hampshire, a fellow Republican; Perry Johnson, a former gubernatorial candidate in Michigan; Steve Laffey, a former mayor of Cranston, R.I.; and former Montana Secretary of State Corey Stapleton.

    A number of other Republican politicians have also been talked about as potential 2024 contenders but haven’t said they are running. That group includes Texas Gov. Greg Abbott, who has passed on speaking in the key primary state of Iowa; John Bolton, a former national-security adviser and former ambassador to the United Nations; former Rep. Liz Cheney of Wyoming, who has run an ad in New Hampshire, another key state; South Dakota Gov. Kristi Noem; and former Rep. Mike Rogers of Michigan.

    Among the prominent Republicans who have said they’re not seeking their party’s presidential nomination in 2024 are Sen. Ted Cruz of Texas, former Maryland Gov. Larry Hogan, Georgia Gov. Brian Kemp, former Secretary of State Mike Pompeo and New Hampshire Gov. Chris Sununu.

    From MarketWatch’s archives (September 2022): In a conversation with MarketWatch, Vivek Ramaswamy says companies should ‘leave politics to the politicians’

    Democrats are closing ranks behind Biden, although author and activist Marianne Williamson has said she’s seeking the party’s nomination again and vigorously defended her decision to challenge the president in an extensive question-and-answer session with MarketWatch. Antivaccine activist Robert F. Kennedy Jr. is also mounting a long-shot challenge to Biden and held a kickoff event for his campaign in April.

    Among third-party candidacies, Cornel West, a former Ivy League professor now at Union Theological Seminary, has announced he’s a presidential candidate for the People’s Party. In addition, a group called “No Labels” has been considering a “unity ticket” for 2024, saying that a rematch between Biden and Trump would be “the sequel that no one asked for,” but a Politico report said the group would not submit a third-party challenger if DeSantis becomes the Republican nominee.

    Now read: Nikki Haley says ‘no Republican president will have the ability to ban abortion nationwide’

    Also: Biden criticizes DeSantis over his Medicaid stance while in Florida

    Plus: Billionaire investor Bill Ackman says JPMorgan’s Jamie Dimon should run for president

    Robert Schroeder contributed.

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  • New Florida Bill Allows Guns To Start Businesses

    New Florida Bill Allows Guns To Start Businesses

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    TALLAHASSEE, FL—In an effort to achieve greater equality among a community deeply woven into the fabric of the state’s culture, a new Florida bill signed into law Friday would allow guns to start businesses. “For too long, pistols and semiautomatic rifles have been excluded from full participation in our state’s economy, and this law seeks to rectify that immediately,” said Gov. Ron DeSantis, arguing that law-abiding 9 mm handguns and AR-15-style weapons have a constitutional right to engage in commerce just as any other valued member of the public would. “Going forward, firearms will be able to open nail salons, pizzerias, massage parlors, or any other establishment they wish in pursuit of their own American dream. Did you know that even though they make up 55% of the U.S. population, there are zero gun CEOs in America?” DeSantis added that he would love see a thriving Little Guntown neighborhood in downtown Miami or Orlando.

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  • Ron DeSantis’s Joyless Ride

    Ron DeSantis’s Joyless Ride

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    Real-life Ron DeSantis was here, finally. In the fidgety flesh; in Iowa, South Carolina, and, in this case, New Hampshire. Not some distant Sunshine State of potential or idealized Donald Trump alternative or voice in the far-off static of Twitter Spaces. But an actual human being interacting with other human beings, some 200 of them, packed into an American Legion hall in the town of Rochester.

    “Okay, smile, close-up,” an older woman told the Florida governor, trying to pull him in for another photo. DeSantis and his wife, Casey, had just finished a midday campaign event, and the governor was now working a quick rope line—emphasis on quick and double emphasis on working. The fast-talking first lady is much better suited to this than her halting husband. He smiled for the camera like the dentist had just asked him to bite down on a blob of putty; like he was trying to make a mold, or to fit one. It was more of a cringe than a grin.

    “Governor, I have a lot of relatives in Florida,” the next selfie guy told him. Everybody who meets DeSantis has relatives in Florida or a time-share on Clearwater Beach or a bunch of golf buddies who retired to the Villages. “Wow, really?” DeSantis said.

    He was trying. But this did not look fun for him.

    Retail politicking was never DeSantis’s gift. Not that it mattered much before, in the media-dominated expanse of Florida politics, where DeSantis has proved himself an elite culture warrior and troller of libs. DeSantis was reelected by 19 points last November. He calls himself the governor of the state “where woke goes to die,” which he believes will be a model for his presidency of the whole country, a red utopia in his own image.

    What does the on-paper promise of DeSantis look like in practice? DeSantis has performed a number of these in-person chores in recent days, after announcing his presidential campaign on May 24 in a glitchy Twitter Spaces appearance with Elon Musk.

    As I watched him complete his rounds in New Hampshire on Thursday—visits to a VFW hall, an Elks Club, and a community college, in addition to the American Legion post—the essential duality of his campaign was laid bare: DeSantis is the ultimate performative politician when it comes to demonstrating outrage and “kneecapping” various woke abuses—but not so much when it comes to the actual in-person performance of politics.

    The campaign billed his appearance in Rochester as a “fireside chat.” (The outside temperature was 90 degrees, and there was no actual fire.) The governor and first lady also held fireside chats this week at a welding shop in Salix, Iowa, and at an event space in Lexington, South Carolina. The term conjures the great American tradition started by President Franklin D. Roosevelt during the Great Depression. Those were scary times—grim visages of malnourished kids and food riots and businessmen selling pencils on the street. FDR’s cozy evenings around the radio hearth were meant to project comfort and avuncular authority.

    Sitting on gray armchairs onstage in Rochester—Casey cross-legged and Ron man-spread—the DeSanti reassured their audience that the Florida governor was the candidate best equipped to protect Americans from contemporary threats no less serious than stock-market crashes and bank closures. He was focused on a distinct set of modern menaces: “woke indoctrination” and “woke militaries” and “woke mind viruses” and “woke mobs” that endanger every institution of American life. He used woke more than a dozen times at each event (I counted).

    Also, DeSantis said he’s a big supporter of “the death penalty for pedophiles” (applause); reminded every audience that he’d sent dozens of migrants to “beautiful Martha’s Vineyard” (bigger applause); and promised to end “this Faucian dystopia” around COVID once and for all (biggest applause).

    Also, George Soros (boo).

    Casey talked at each New Hampshire stop about the couple’s three young children, often in the vein of how adorably naughty they are—how they write on the walls of the governor’s mansion with permanent markers and leave crayon stains on the carpets. Ron spoke in personal terms less often, but when he did, it was usually to prove that he understands the need to protect kids from being preyed upon by the various and ruthless forces of wokeness. One recurring example on Thursday involved how outrageous it is that in certain swim competitions, a girl might wind up being defeated by a transgender opponent. “I’m particularly worried about this as the father of two daughters,” DeSantis told the Rochester crowd.

    This played well in the room full of committed Republicans and likely primary voters, as it does on Fox. Clearly, this is a fraught and divisive issue, but one that’s been given outsized attention in recent years, especially in relation to the portion of the population it directly affects. By comparison, DeSantis never mentioned gun violence, the leading cause of death for children in this country, including many in his state (the site of the horrific Parkland massacre of 2018, the year before he became governor). DeSantis readily opts for the culture-war terrain, ignoring the rest, pretty much everywhere he goes.

    His whole act can feel like a clunky contrivance—a forced persona railing against phony or hyped-up outrages. He can be irascible. Steve Peoples, a reporter for the Associated Press, approached DeSantis after a speech at a VFW hall in Laconia and asked the governor why he hadn’t taken any questions from the audience. “Are you blind?” DeSantis snapped at Peoples. “Are you blind? Okay, so, people are coming up to me, talking to me [about] whatever they want to talk to me about.”

    No one in the room cared about this little outburst besides the reporters (who sent a clip of it bouncing across social media within minutes). And if the voters did care, it would probably reflect well on DeSantis in their eyes, demonstrating his willingness to get in the media’s face.

    Journalists who managed to get near DeSantis this week unfailingly asked him about Donald Trump, the leading GOP candidate. In Rochester, NBC’s Gabe Gutierrez wondered about the former president’s claim that he would eliminate the federal government’s “administrative state” within six months of a second term. “Why didn’t you do it when you had four years?” DeSantis shot back.

    In general, though, DeSantis didn’t mention Trump without being prompted—at least not explicitly. He drew clear, if barely veiled, contrasts. “I will end the culture of losing in the Republican Party,” he vowed Thursday night in Manchester. Unsaid, obviously, is that the GOP has underperformed in the past three national elections—and no one is more to blame than Trump and the various MAGA disciples he dragged into those campaigns.

    “Politics is not about building a brand,” DeSantis went on to say. What matters is competence and conviction, not charisma. “My husband will never back down!” Casey added in support. In other words: He is effective and he will follow through and actually do real things, unlike you-know-who.

    “Politics is not about entertainment,” DeSantis said in all of his New Hampshire speeches, usually at the end. He might be trying to prove as much.

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    Mark Leibovich

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  • Ron DeSantis Launches U.S. Presidential Bid In Glitch-Filled Twitter Broadcast

    Ron DeSantis Launches U.S. Presidential Bid In Glitch-Filled Twitter Broadcast

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    Ron DeSantis launched his 2024 presidential campaign in an online Twitter Spaces event with Elon Musk that was marred by 25 minutes of technical glitches where the audio stream crashed repeatedly, making it impossible for most users to hear the new presidential candidate in real time. What do you think?

    “I’m tired of the media trying to silence this man.”

    Zoey Burns, Freelance Plagiarist

    “Twenty-five minutes of no talking was the best launch the DeSantis campaign could hope for.”

    Drew Fanning, Unemployed

    “It’s good to have the superficial appearance of a Trump alternative.”

    Dom Edelstein, Webinar Planner

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  • NAACP and other civil-rights groups issue Florida travel advisories

    NAACP and other civil-rights groups issue Florida travel advisories

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    Ron DeSantis signs the Parental Rights in Education bill, known as the “Don’t say gay” bill, in March at Classical Preparatory School in Shady Hills, Fla.


    Douglas R. Clifford/Tampa Bay Times/AP/file

    ORLANDO, Fla. (AP) — The NAACP over the weekend issued a travel advisory for Florida, joining two other civil rights groups in warning potential tourists that recent laws and policies championed by Gov. Ron DeSantis and Florida lawmakers are “openly hostile toward African Americans, people of color and LGBTQ+ individuals.”

    Don’t miss: Disney scraps plans on roughly $1 billion investment at new corporate campus in Florida 

    The NAACP, long an advocate for Black Americans, joined the League of United Latin American Citizens (LULAC), a Latino civil-rights organization, and Equality Florida, a gay-rights advocacy group, in issuing travel advisories for the Sunshine State, where tourism is one of the state’s largest job sectors.

    The warning approved Saturday by the NAACP’s board of directors tells tourists that, before traveling to Florida, they should understand the state of Florida “devalues and marginalizes the contributions of, and the challenges faced by African Americans and other communities of color.”

    An email was sent Sunday morning to DeSantis’s office seeking comment. DeSantis is expected to announce a run for the GOP presidential nomination this week.

    See: Busy, and bellicose, legislative session winds down in Florida. Now it’s decision time for DeSantis.

    Florida is one of the most popular states in the U.S. for tourists, and tourism is one of its biggest industries. More than 137.5 million tourists visited Florida last year, marking a return to pre-pandemic levels, according to Visit Florida, the state’s tourism promotion agency. Tourism supports 1.6 million full-time and part-time jobs, and visitors spent $98.8 billion in Florida in 2019, the last year figures are available.

    The NAACP’s decision comes after the DeSantis’s administration in January rejected the College Board’s Advanced Placement African American Studies course. DeSantis and Republican lawmakers also have pressed forward with measures that ban state colleges from having programs on diversity, equity and inclusion, as well as critical race theory, and also passed the Stop WOKE Act that restricts certain race-based conversations and analysis in schools and businesses.

    In its warning for Hispanic travelers considering a visit to Florida, LULAC cited a new law that prohibits local governments from providing money to organizations that issue identification cards to people illegally in the country and invalidates out-of-state driver’s licenses held by undocumented immigrants, among other things.

    See: DeSantis criticizes Trump for implying Florida abortion ban is ‘too harsh’

    Also: Writers group PEN America and publisher Penguin Random House sue over book ban in Florida

    The law also requires hospitals that accept Medicaid to include a citizenship question on intake forms, which critics have said is intended to dissuade immigrants living in the U.S. illegally from seeking medical care.

    “The actions taken by Gov. DeSantis have created a shadow of fear within communities across the state,” said Lydia Medrano, a LULAC vice president for the Southeast region.

    Recent efforts to limit discussion on LGBTQ topics in schools, the removal of books with gay characters from school libraries, a recent ban on gender-affirming care for minors, new restrictions on abortion access and a law allowing Floridians to carry concealed guns without a permit contributed to Equality Florida’s warning.

    “Taken in their totality, Florida’s slate of laws and policies targeting basic freedoms and rights pose a serious risk to the health and safety of those traveling to the state,” Equality Florida’s advisory said.

    Read on:

    U.S. Border Patrol says illegal crossings are down dramatically since lifting of Title 42 asylum restrictions

    2024 Republican hopefuls rush to defend Marine who put New York subway rider in fatal chokehold

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  • Disney Cancels Plans For $1 Billion Florida Campus

    Disney Cancels Plans For $1 Billion Florida Campus

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    The Walt Disney Co. canceled plans for a billion-dollar office complex in Florida that was set to bring thousands of jobs to the region as the company and Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis continue their ongoing feud. What do you think?

    “To be fair, who knew Disney had that kind of money?”

    Juan Pearson, Granola Chef

    “A small price to pay for one man absolutely humiliating himself in the GOP primary.”

    Valerie Cordero, Air Bag Deflator

    “If they keep this up, Florida is going to become a national laughingstock.”

    Edgar Pulido, Unemployed

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  • Florida Gov. DeSantis Just Fumbled $1 Billion In Fight Against Disney

    Florida Gov. DeSantis Just Fumbled $1 Billion In Fight Against Disney

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    Last week, Disney CEO Bob Iger asked rhetorically if Florida and its governor, Ron DeSantis, wanted all of the company’s business and taxes. Now, events are moving beyond the mere rhetorical as Disney—citing “new leadership and changing business conditions” in Florida—has canceled big plans to move thousands of its staff and their families to the Sunshine State from California, and also axed a planned $1 billion facility in Florida.

    As reported by Deadline on May 18, Disney Parks and Resorts boss Josh D’Amaro sent a note to Disney Parks, Experiences & Products employees explaining that the massive corporation is abandoning its plan to transfer about 2,000 employees and their families to Florida. Also in the note was the announcement that Disney will no longer be building a massive campus facility in the state’s Lake Nona region. Staff who have already relocated in preparation for that facility will be given the opportunity to return back to California.

    “Given the considerable changes that have occurred since the announcement of this project, including new leadership and changing business conditions, we have decided not to move forward with construction of the campus,” D’Amaro wrote in his Thursday note. “This was not an easy decision to make, but I believe it is the right one. As a result, we will no longer be asking our employees to relocate. For those who have already moved, we will talk to you individually about your situation, including the possibility of moving you back.”

    These now-canned plans were announced back in 2021, with Disney then looking to move most jobs and related staff not directly working on California’s Disneyland theme park to Florida. In 2022, as tensions between Disney and Florida increased, the company announced a delay until 2026. Now, as Florida and Disney’s war grows hotter, it seems the Walt Disney Company is done dealing with DeSantis, and is willing to walk away from a reported $550 million in tax credits, too.

    Why are Disney and Florida’s governor at war?

    This ongoing war between Disney and DeSantis—likely to be one of the GOP’s frontrunners for president in 2024—started in 2022 with House Bill 1557, referred to by opponents as the “Don’t Say Gay” bill, which prevents discussion of sexual identity in Florida’s public schools. The law is just one part of DeSantis’ ongoing culture war over LGBTQ issues. After DeSantis signed the controversial bill into law—and following pressure both internally and publicly—the Walt Disney Company eventually issued a statement in March of last year, calling for a repeal of the bill. In response to Disney’s lukewarm stand against the law, the governor said the company had “crossed the line.” 

    What followed was an action seen by many as punishment against Disney for speaking out against the controversial bill. DeSantis went after Disney World’s special zoning district, which was established in 1967 and allowed the popular park to be exempt from normal Florida laws concerning matters like building codes.

    Following the spat, the governor created House Bill 9B to restructure the district. The bill, in part, gave the district a new name, and appointed a new board of DeSantis-picked directors to oversee it. This crony-packed board lost most of its power this past March after being outsmarted by Disney lawyers. The defanged board then tried to undo what had been done, leading to an immediate lawsuit filed by Disney on April 26 to fight back against the state and DeSantis.

    Ron DeSantis and California Governor Newsom respond to canned plans

    California Governor Gavin Newsom was quick to respond to today’s news, tweeting, “Turns out, bigoted policies have consequences. That’s 2,000+ jobs that will be welcomed back with open arms to the Golden State. Thank you for doing the right thing, Disney.”

    Shortly after the news broke that Disney was canceling its plans to invest more jobs and money into Florida, DeSantis press secretary Jeremy Redfern shared a statement about the situation. According to Redfern, the state was “unsure” that the planned facility in Lake Nona would ever happen. He also suggested that Disney was in “financial straits” and that this move was “unsurprising.”

    “Disney announced the possibility of a Lake Nona campus nearly two years ago,” said Redfern in the statement. “Nothing ever came of the project, and the state was unsure whether it would come to fruition. Given the company’s financial straits, falling market cap, and declining stock price, it is unsurprising that they would restructure their business operations and cancel unsuccessful ventures.”

    While DeSantis and his office may be playing this one cool at the moment, it’s unlikely they are happy to see billions of dollars in future taxes and revenue, as well as thousands of jobs, vanish into the ether as Disney begins to reevaluate how much business it wants to conduct in Florida going forward.

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    Zack Zwiezen

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  • Disney World Employees React To Attacks From Ron DeSantis

    Disney World Employees React To Attacks From Ron DeSantis

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    After months of repeated attacks from Gov. Ron DeSantis of Florida, The Onion asked Disney World employees how they felt about it, and this is what they said.

    Matt Short, Ride Operator

    Matt Short, Ride Operator

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    “I’ve heard ‘It’s A Small World’ 74,849 times, so I can handle pretty much anything.”

    Lauren Braunston, Ride Operator

    Lauren Braunston, Ride Operator

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    “Luckily, I don’t have to worry about it anymore because I’m getting laid off.”

    Becky MacGregor, Cinderella

    Becky MacGregor, Cinderella

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    “No! Don’t show my face out of character! They’ll kill me!”

    Bob Iger, CEO

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    “Without it, I wouldn’t have gotten my job back and gotten to do the thing I love the most: firing people! So I can’t thank him enough!”

    Trevor Ballin, Parking Attendant

    Trevor Ballin, Parking Attendant

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    “The Mouse has raised a glistening kingdom from the swamp and commands an empire on which the sun never sets. What can an upjumped tax collector say to the legions of the Mouse? We hear but a breeze.”

    Renee Harrison, Tower of Terror Bellhop

    Renee Harrison, Tower of Terror Bellhop

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    “He’s a fool to forget who really chooses the next president.”

    Harrison Cutler, Custodian

    Harrison Cutler, Custodian

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    “If only he knew cis kids and trans kids all puke funnel cake the same.”

    Samantha Bodine, Ariel

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    “This is already the most miserable, joyless place on earth, so I don’t see how he could possibly make it any worse.”

    Melanie Hothan, Concession Worker

    Melanie Hothan, Concession Worker

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    “I’m actually nervous about provoking a guy who might run for president but is probably gonna peter out embarrassingly.”

    Chuck Freeman, Mickey Mouse

    Chuck Freeman, Mickey Mouse

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    “Come for me, DeSantis. I will drink your blood and bathe in your children’s fear.”

    Silas Bennett, Goofy

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    “Governor DeSantis’ actions are an obvious overreach of executive power and a clear sign that the GOP has abandoned its principles of small government and noninterference in business, HYUCK, HYUCK!”

    Kayla Fayder, Disney College Program

    Kayla Fayder, Disney College Program

    Image for article titled Disney World Employees React To Attacks From Ron DeSantis

    “Someone seems bitter they didn’t get into the Disney College Program.”

    Ethan O’Sullivan, Baker

    Ethan O’Sullivan, Baker

    Image for article titled Disney World Employees React To Attacks From Ron DeSantis

    “Feuding with the happiest place on earth is an embarrassingly unimaginative means of establishing yourself as a villain.”

    Rascal, Dolphin

    Image for article titled Disney World Employees React To Attacks From Ron DeSantis

    “Eee-eee-eeeeeee-ee.”

    Candice Palermo, Audio Technician

    Candice Palermo, Audio Technician

    Image for article titled Disney World Employees React To Attacks From Ron DeSantis

    “Surely, there’s a powerless minority group he can persecute instead.”

    Fernanda Burns, Ride Technician

    Fernanda Burns, Ride Technician

    Image for article titled Disney World Employees React To Attacks From Ron DeSantis

    “I don’t see how he can call us woke with our rich history of antisemitism.”

    Francis Lesseder, Remy

    Image for article titled Disney World Employees React To Attacks From Ron DeSantis

    “I invite Ron to meet me in the sewers so we can settle this like men.”

    You’ve Made It This Far…

    You’ve Made It This Far…

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  • Ron DeSantis Ends Disney Feud After Being Given Guest Role On ‘The Mandalorian’

    Ron DeSantis Ends Disney Feud After Being Given Guest Role On ‘The Mandalorian’

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    TALLAHASSEE, FL—Saying he was happy to finally bury the hatchet with the major corporation after months of difficult dialogue, Gov. Ron DeSantis announced Tuesday that he had ended his feud with Disney after being given a guest role on The Mandalorian. “I couldn’t be more excited to let bygones be bygones and announce my one-episode stint as Imperial Moff Rego Thalcyon,” DeSantis said of the guest appearance, which consists solely of him delivering the line “Yes, most acceptable” with his arms crossed behind his back as he dispatches an imperial guard to attack a gang of intruders. “Obviously, I never wanted my differences with Disney to spiral out of control like this. So, yeah, it was a blast to spend some time on set, even if it was only for a day. They even let me take a selfie with Pedro [Pascal] and the Grogu puppet. Anyway, check me out on Apr. 19 when the episode airs! And may the force be with you.” At press time, DeSantis was reportedly furious after learning his guest role had been cut for time.

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  • As Biden says he’s ‘planning on running,’ here are the potential 2024 Republican candidates

    As Biden says he’s ‘planning on running,’ here are the potential 2024 Republican candidates

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    The contest to become the Republican Party’s 2024 presidential nominee is heating up, with Nikki Haley, a former U.S. ambassador to the United Nations, and longshot candidate Vivek Ramaswamy each announcing runs since the beginning of the year, and former Arkansas Gov. Asa Hutchinson joining the fray in a Sunday-show appearance on April 2.

    Another notable move has been the rollout of a campaign-style book by Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis, in which he argues that his approach to managing his state can provide a model for the rest of the country.

    And former President Donald Trump appears to be getting a political lift from a Manhattan district attorney’s case against him, though some analysts don’t see the boost lasting.

    Related: Trump’s presidential campaign raises $7 million after his indictment

    So who are all the GOP politicians in the mix for 2024?

    Below is MarketWatch’s list of the potential Republican presidential contenders and the status of their candidacies.

    Meanwhile, President Joe Biden appears poised to announce this spring that he’ll seek re-election in 2024. Democrats seem to be closing ranks behind Biden, although author and activist Marianne Williamson said she’s seeking the party’s nomination again and vigorously defended her decision to challenge Biden in an extensive question-and-answer session with MarketWatch. Anti-vaccine activist Robert F. Kennedy Jr. also is mounting a longshot challenge to Biden, as he filed a statement of candidacy in early April.

    Biden gave a fresh hint on Monday about his re-election bid at the annual White House Easter Egg Roll, saying in an interview with Al Roker of NBC’s “Today” show that he aims to take part in “at least three or four more Easter egg rolls. Maybe five. Maybe six.”

    “I’m planning on running, Al, but we’re not prepared to announce it yet,” the president said.

    Related: Biden criticizes DeSantis over his Medicaid stance while in Florida

    And see: 5 things to know about Nikki Haley, the Republican candidate challenging Trump in 2024

    Plus: Ron DeSantis skips CPAC, says Republicans act like ‘potted plants’ when facing ‘woke ideology’

    Name

    Title

    Reports or statements on candidacy

    Greg Abbott

    Texas governor

    Abbott strategist said governor “will take a look at the situation” after state’s legislative session ends in late May

    John Bolton

    Former national-security adviser, former ambassador to United Nations

    He has said he may run for president in 2024

    Liz Cheney

    Former Wyo. congresswoman

    She has said she hasn’t made a decision about a 2024 run

    Chris Christie

    Former N.J. governor

    He said in late March that he’ll make decision on run in next 60 days

    Ted Cruz

    U.S. senator from Texas

    He said he won’t seek the GOP presidential nomination, instead aiming for re-election in Senate

    Aaron Day

    Known in part for running against former N.H. GOP Sen. Kelly Ayotte

    He announced his candidacy in February

    Ron DeSantis

    Florida governor

    He hasn’t made a formal announcement, but his team has rolled out a book and talked to prospective campaign staff

    Nikki Haley

    Former ambassador to United Nations, former S.C. governor

    She announced her run in February

    Larry Hogan

    Former Md. governor

    He said he won’t run

    Asa Hutchinson

    Former Ark. governor

    Having promised a decision in April, he said on April 2 that he’s running

    Perry Johnson

    Businessman and former Mich. gubernatorial candidate

    He announced his candidacy in early March

    Brian Kemp

    Ga. governor

    He hasn’t ruled out running, but has said he’s “not focused on 2024

    Steve Laffey

    Former Cranston, R.I., mayor

    He announced his candidacy in February

    Kristi Noem

    S.D. governor

    She has said she hasn’t ruled out a presidential run

    Mike Pence

    Former vice president

    He has beefed up his staff but said he doesn’t feel any rush to make an announcement

    Mike Pompeo

    Former CIA director and secretary of state

    Announced on April 14 on Twitter that he has decided against a run

    Vivek Ramaswamy

    Entrepreneur and author known for criticizing ESG investing as “wokeism”

    He announced his candidacy in February

    Kim Reynolds

    Iowa governor

    A former RNC chair has said she should be considered for 2024

    Mike Rogers

    Former Mich. congressman

    He suggested an announcement on a run may come in “late spring, early summer

    Tim Scott

    U.S. senator for S.C.

    He’s making trips to Iowa and New Hampshire, key primary states

    Francis Suarez

    Mayor of Miami, Fla.

    He has said he’s considering a run

    Chris Sununu

    N.H. governor

    He has said he’s considering a run

    Donald Trump

    Former president

    He announced in November that he’s running

    Glenn Youngkin

    Va. governor

    He hasn’t ruled out running, but said he’s focused on Virginia

    Read on: Tucker Carlson questionnaire reveals a fault line among Republicans: U.S. support for Ukraine’s defense against Russian invasion

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  • Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis Still Mad Disney Beat Him, Warns War Is Coming

    Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis Still Mad Disney Beat Him, Warns War Is Coming

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    Hello, you join us in the middle of the ongoing culture war between Florida Governor Ron DeSantis and the Walt Disney Company. This week, DeSantis seems mad that people are (rightfully) claiming Disney outsmarted him and his cronies. And he’s promising to escalate the war between him and Disney with new taxes and more.

    Before we move forward, some quick background on this ongoing feud. The Reedy Creek Improvement District was established in Southern Florida in 1967. It was created because Walt Disney wanted more control of the area surrounding his then-soon-to-be-opened Walt Disney World resort. He had plans for a private city, and even after that never happened, the special district remained. Since then, Disney World hasn’t had to follow certain Florida laws, essentially giving the company its own mini-government. But after a 2022 spat between DeSantis and Disney over the company’s (tepid) support for LGBTQ rights, DeSantis used Florida House Bill 9B to restructure the district.

    As part of this, he appointed a new board of directors to oversee the district. But upon showing up for its first meeting, the new board learned that, in its final hours, Disney’s outgoing board had legally given nearly all control over the district back to Disney. This greatly upset DeSantis who called the deal a “collusive and self-dealing” arrangement that “undercut Florida’s legislative process.” He also asked Florida’s authorities to investigate the situation. He was, in other words, big mad about fucking around and finding out with Disney’s lawyers.

    DeSantis plans to escalate his war against Disney

    However, DeSantis isn’t done being mad or finished with his fight against Disney. As reported by Deadline, the Florida Commander in Chief visited Hillsdale College in Michigan on Thursday and spoke about the ongoing Disney battle, claiming that in the end he and the state would win.

    “What Disney has tried to do is they have tried to say that they should be able to operate outside the context of our constitutional system in Florida,” DeSantis said. “Now, we took this action prior to the election. We won overwhelmingly. They are not superior to the people of Florida. And so come hell or high water, we’re going to make sure that that policy of Florida carries the day, and so they can keep trying to do things, but ultimately, we’re going to win on every single issue involving Disney. I can tell you that.”

    Deadline further reports that DeSantis seemed upset about media reports that Mickey Mouse’s company had “pulled one over on the state” which makes sense. When you get made a fool, you tend to not enjoy that experience. But DeSantis also suggested that legislation would “void anything” Disney’s board did before leaving. And also hinted at further punishments to levy against the company.

    “Now that Disney has reopened this issue, we’re not just going to void the development agreement they tried to do, we’re going to look at things like taxes on hotels, we’re going to look at things like tolls on the roads, we’re going to look at things like developing some of the property that the district owns.”

    Why DeSantis is fighting Disney and stripping it of its special district

    Image: Giorgio Viera / Arturo Holmes / Kotaku (Getty Images)

    And let’s be clear: DeSantis isn’t going after Disney because he suddenly became an anti-capitalist who wants to destroy the company and make it pay its fair share in taxes. No, instead, as he explained during his Michigan visit, all of this was because Disney dared to speak up mildly against his horrible, fascist laws and policies against LGTBQ and trans people, including pushing schools to out students to their parents. State leader didn’t like that one bit, adding that he didn’t want Florida to be “subsidizing woke activism.”

    “We just had to look at this and say, ‘OK, do they have a quote, First Amendment right to be advocating for gender ideology in Kindergarten? Yeah, I guess. Is that honestly faithful to their fiduciary duty to their shareholders? I don’t think so. But that’s not really in my wheelhouse as governor, but what I can tell you as governor is that under no circumstances should the state of Florida be subsidizing woke activism by allowing them to have their own government. So we took it away,” DeSantis said at the time.

    It’s clear that Disney and DeSantis aren’t done yet and while I hate rooting for a giant corporation like Disney, I don’t mind seeing an asshole like DeSantis keep losing over and over again. And really, the only winners in all of this are (as usual) lawyers who bill by the hour.

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    Zack Zwiezen

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  • ‘We don’t ask for spring break in our city’: Miami Beach officials impose curfew after two fatal shootings amid nightly chaos

    ‘We don’t ask for spring break in our city’: Miami Beach officials impose curfew after two fatal shootings amid nightly chaos

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    MIAMI BEACH, Fla. (AP) — Miami Beach officials imposed a curfew beginning Sunday night during spring break after two fatal shootings and rowdy, chaotic crowds that police have had difficulty controlling.

    The city said in a news release the curfew would be from 11:59 p.m. Sunday until 6 a.m. Monday, with an additional curfew likely to be put in place Thursday through next Monday, March 27. The curfew mainly affects South Beach, the most popular party location for spring breakers.

    The release said the two separate shootings Friday night and early Sunday that left two people dead and “excessively large and unruly crowds” led to the decision. The city commission plans a meeting Monday to discuss potential further restrictions next week.

    Miami Beach Mayor Dan Gelber said in a video message posted Sunday that the crowds and presence of numerous firearms has “created a peril that cannot go unchecked” despite massive police presence and many city-sponsored activities meant to keep people busy.

    “We don’t ask for spring break in our city. We don’t want spring break in our city. It’s too rowdy, it’s too much disorder, and it’s too difficult to police,” Gelber said.

    The latest shooting happened about 3:30 a.m. Sunday on Ocean Drive in South Beach, according to Miami Beach police. A male was shot and died later at a hospital, and officers chased down a suspect on foot, police said on Twitter. Their identities were not released, nor were any possible charges.

    In the Friday night shooting, one male victim was killed and another seriously injured, sending crowds scrambling in fear from restaurants and clubs into the streets as gunshots rang out. Police detained one person at the scene and found four firearms, but no other details have been made available.

    Under the curfew, people must leave businesses before midnight, although hotels can operate later only in service to their guests. The city release said restaurants can stay open only for delivery and the curfew won’t apply to residents, people going to and from work, emergency services and hotel guests. Some roads will be closed off and arriving hotel guests may have to show proof of their reservations.

    Last year, the city imposed a midnight curfew following two shootings, also on Ocean Drive. The year before that, there were about 1,000 arrests and dozens of guns confiscated during a rowdy spring break that led Miami Beach officials to take steps aimed at calming the situation.

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  • Ron DeSantis Bans Births In Florida Due To Exposure Of Impressionable Infants To Vagina

    Ron DeSantis Bans Births In Florida Due To Exposure Of Impressionable Infants To Vagina

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    TALLAHASSEE, FL—In an ongoing effort to protect children from sexually explicit scenes, Gov. Ron DeSantis banned births in the state of Florida on Tuesday, citing the need to protect impressionable infants from exposure to vaginas. “No longer will we allow our innocent babies, in the first moments of their lives, to witness any obscenity, including the female genitalia,” said DeSantis, explaining that every time a person gives birth vaginally, child protective services will be called and the perpetrator will be charged with a felony for endangering a minor. “The radical left is trying to groom our nation’s young by having them pass through the birth canal, claiming that it’s natural and healthy. But here in Florida, we know that shoving a baby out of a woman’s vagina is pornographic, and we’re not going to tolerate it. Not on my watch.” At press time, state police had arrested millions of Floridians on charges of molestation, alleging they had exposed unborn children to their reproductive organs for up to nine months.

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