Tag: Depression

Gearing up for a road trip this summer? Stay safe behind the wheel with these road trip safety tips for remaining alert and distraction-free for miles and miles.

ROADTRIP: 8 Road Trip Safety Tips

Review it: Map your route ahead of time, taking note of tolls, planned road work, and other happenings that may impact your travel. While GPS is very helpful, a general understanding of your planned path improves your ability to adjust quickly to possible reroutes and other shifts that may be needed.

Give yourself more time than you think across your road trip and be realistic about the activities you can undertake along the way. By allowing plenty of time for your trip, you’ll avoid the temptation to rush, speed, and ignore details that could be important as you navigate the roads. You’ll also be able to stop for breaks to stretch, move, eat, and rest until the next leg of your drive.

Out of reach: Put cell phones and other potentially distracting items in secure places that are out of sight and out of your reach to reduce distractions.

Air it out: Turn on air conditioning or roll down the windows to keep cold air flowing inside the vehicle. Avoid warm temperatures that can make you feel drowsy.

[Read: “I’m Too Distracted When I Drive”]

Dine right: Stay away from sugary and salty junk food or jolts of caffeine when road-tripping, as you may feel sleepy when their effects crash out of your system. To maintain steady energy levels, hydrate with cold water (which will also help keep you alert) and eat small, energy-boosting snacks such as nuts, popcorn, seeds, bananas, kale, hummus, spinach, lean meats, dark chocolate, or whole grain cereal before you hit the road.

Track your eyes: Stay focused, especially on long stretches of road, by shifting your eyes every few seconds to scan the roadway or check your mirrors. Consistent eye movements increase alertness and awareness of surroundings while also avoiding the trance-like state that can occur over the monotonous interstate miles.

Revitalize: Give your brain sensory stimulation with gum or essential oils. Chewing refreshing mint gum can increase alertness and keep you from continually reaching for a snack while driving. Smelling invigorating scents such as peppermint can trigger the brain for alertness and focus.

Insert reminders: Set reminders to refuel, hydrate, and take bathroom and movement breaks. Consider programming location-based reminders to go off as you approach gas stations, service areas, and even touristy spots you don’t want to miss.

[Read: Road Trip Hacks for (and from) ADHD Families]

Prep before you go: Make sure you’ve adjusted your mirrors, seat, and car temperature before you hit the gas. Have a pre-made music playlist (so you won’t be tempted to look at screens to search for the right song) and consider adding upbeat tunes that keep you alert.

Road Trip Safety Tips: Next Steps

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Like many families with autistic kids, we used to avoid going to restaurants. An unfamiliar environment we couldn’t control was the perfect recipe for chaos. Eating out meant a menu that might not include our child’s safe foods. Coping behaviors might emerge, drawing unwelcome attention: stares, judgment, disapproval, comments, or unsolicited advice that makes us feel unwelcome.

But just like other families, we crave a “third place” where we can relax. So when we discovered Wheated, a gourmet pizza restaurant in our Brooklyn neighborhood, it filled a huge hole in our lives.

Our Third Place: A Neurodiversity-Affirming Pizzeria

I won’t soon forget the tang of the first sip of Umbria or the texture of the pizza’s sourdough crust. But what will stay with me forever is how the restaurant staff made us feel.

After a few visits, my son was on a first-name basis with the owner, who was also a huge soccer fan. He’d chat with my son about soccer as if he had all the time in the world, while the restaurant bustled around us. No matter what drama happened during the week, we had our Sunday night ritual to look forward to and to savor. The servers knew our complicated order and didn’t blink at all the substitutions.

[Take This Self-Test: Signs of Autism in Children]

We would arrive most Sundays just as they opened for dinner. We reserved the same table in the back corner every time. There was loud music, and at times our kid was overstimulated; at other times, I was overstimulated. Waiting for the food was hard. Sometimes, our son moved around in ways that were not the safest for the wait staff and the other diners.

But the staff was gracious to us, always, even when patience ran out on both ends. Even when my son had a meltdown during one of our first visits. Thankfully, it happened to be Super Bowl Sunday, and we were one of the only families there, but the moment was hard nonetheless.

Even as my son screamed and cried and jumped, we were treated respectfully and kindly. The staff set the tone for the other diners. We never had the feeling of hairy eyeballs on us that was so common in other places.

A Friendly and Inclusive Space

The more we visited, the easier the dining experience became. I brought art supplies and noise-canceling headphones. We danced in our seats near the open kitchen, where our son could watch the chefs twirling dough in the air. There were some swift exits and half-eaten meals—but through these experiences, my son developed new skills, and we enjoyed ourselves together.

[Read: “A Love Letter to My Son’s Special Interests”]

We became loyal customers. Eventually, over years, our son got used to the many noises of a busy restaurant. He learned dining etiquette, how to order his own dinner, and where he could safely stim while keeping the aisle clear for servers. We took our family and friends to the restaurant, and were able to have lovely, relaxed celebrations because our kid was known and accepted for who he was there.

I will forever be grateful to that restaurant for helping my son gain social skills and confidence while accepting him unconditionally. The sense of belonging to a “third place” will stay with him as he grows up and branches out to other restaurants and public spaces.

I’d like to think that our family had a positive influence on the restaurant as well. (At the very least, we tipped well!)

If you’re looking for that “third place” for your own family, don’t give up. Inclusive places are out there, and they are delicious.

Autism Acceptance: Next Steps

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Picture this: You’re back in high school. You’re in the cafeteria, and you notice two classmates eating lunch at a nearby table. One of them looks at you, laughs, and then whispers something to her friend. How would you interpret this situation?

Without fail, all of my female clients reply, “They are laughing at me.”

This painful thinking pattern – sensitivity to rejection – is etched into our brains, a pattern that arguably developed for an evolutionarily adaptive purpose. It’s also a pattern that appears to be much more amplified in the female ADHD brain.

Rejection Is an Existential Threat

According to neuropsychiatrist Louann Brizendine, M.D., author of The Female Brain (#CommissionsEarned), girls’ brains are “machines” that are “built for connection.” From infancy, girls respond more to the cries of other babies and gaze longer at faces compared to boys.

Unlike men, who are physically larger and stronger, women have historically needed other people and social connections to ensure their own safety and that of their offspring. The female brain, Brizendine posits, likely tuned into the potential for social rejection as an evolutionarily protective function.

So great is the fear of exclusion among women that it informs bullying behaviors. Peer relationship research shows us that, unlike males, who engage in more physical forms of bullying, females generally rely on more relational or reputational methods, such as excluding another girl from their social group, spreading rumors, or saying something mean directly to the victim’s face. In other words, we toy with other females’ emotions by threatening exclusion from an early age because that is really what we fear the most — being rejected and alone.

[Take the RSD Self-Test: Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria Symptoms]

The ADHD Brain and Emotional Reactivity

The amygdala, which Brizendine describes as the brain’s “emotional gatekeeper,” is where fear and anger are initially processed. Once the amygdala detects a threat — real or perceived — that information is sent to the hypothalamus. The hypothalamus then heightens the uncomfortable fight-flight sensations (e.g., faster heartrate and breathing) we experience when we are anxious or angry. The amygdala also sounds the alarm to the prefrontal cortex (PFC), the executive functioning center of the brain, which then decides whether and how to react.

And here lies the pivotal point where the differences between girls with and without ADHD come to light. Our ADHD brains, prone to greater emotional flooding, crank up the volume on the aforementioned process. Our fear of exclusion is amplified. We interpret a situation as threatening when it likely isn’t.

Regardless, our brains get carried away with the threat. The alarm bells of “danger” ring, ring, and ring. We struggle to regulate, and, due to poor executive functioning, we struggle to respond effectively. There’s a reason psychiatrists Edward Hallowell, M.D., and John Ratey, M.D., describe the ADHD brain as a Ferrari equipped with bicycle brakes.

The way those of us with ADHD experience rejection is so unique that there’s a term for it: rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD). Psychiatrist William Dodson, M.D., notes that some of his patients with RSD even describe feeling physical pain – as if they’ve been stabbed in the chest – as a response to rejection.

[Read: How Does RSD Really, Actually Feel?]

I can attest to this; after I got into an argument with someone very close to me, I sobbed in my husband’s arms and could only say, “It hurts.” Yes, I was hurting emotionally. But I was also in literal, physical pain. The female brain’s propensity to relay intense emotions into actual physical sensations is not lost on me. Feelings of emotional pain can register as physical pain responses for us, according to Brizendine.

As women, but especially as women with ADHD, our brains are wired to scan for rejection at every turn. Yes, this probable evolutionary adaptation – developed for protection – is turbocharged under ADHD. Yes, RSD and emotional reactivity are the excruciating result. But our sensitivity and ability to feel deeply, dare I say, has its advantages, too.

Fear of Rejection, RSD, and ADHD: Next Steps

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FREE WEBINAR ON JULY 17, 2024:
Click here to register for “College Accommodations for Neurodivergent Students”

May and June are tricky months to be on social media if college graduation is up in the air for your child, as it is for mine. It seems like it was just yesterday that we posted photos of high school graduation, then the college drop-off, wherein I stood awkwardly in my kid’s dorm room trying to smile through tear-smudged mascara.

We didn’t know what to anticipate over the next four years. We expected some setbacks, but secretly imagined our kids soaring, hoping they would avoid some of our own college mistakes. We wanted them to take interesting classes, make new friends, have fun, and develop a work ethic that would carry into internships and jobs upon graduation.

But when you have a child with ADHD who struggles academically, and for whom college graduation within the traditional four years is an elusive goal that alternates between impossible and slightly in reach, these spring and early summer months are fraught with stress and anxiety.

Acing the ADHD Test

My oldest son came out of the womb with ADHD. From the time he was 3 months old, he was in constant motion unless he was asleep. He would wake up by repeatedly throwing down his legs onto the crib mattress, waking us up with a rhythmic thump-thump-thump on the baby monitor. He crawled, walked, and climbed out of his crib all before he was 16 months old. A thoroughly exhausting toddler, he rarely stopped jumping, climbing, or running.

Fast forward to First Grade. At a parent-teacher conference, his teacher told us to keep an extra eye on him for ADHD. She said it kindly, noting that he was an extremely “spirited” child: not necessarily bad in the classroom per se, but rather extremely busy. He was always moving his feet, looking around the classroom to see what he was missing, and tapping his pencil on the desk. We nodded, knowing all too well just how spirited he was.

[Get This Free Download: Securing ADHD Accommodations in College]

Daily homework started in the third grade, and we quickly learned that organization and study skills were going to be challenging areas for my son. I structured my workday to be home at 3 p.m. to sit with him while he did homework, the school “momitor.” I tried every which way to instill the importance of to-do lists and planners for organization. We experimented with different ways of learning, like making flash cards and drawing pictures.

He loved sports, and his reward for doing homework was beloved baseball practice. We always found it so ironic that he gravitated toward a sport that was boring for most kids. (So much standing around waiting for the ball to come their way!) But we learned early on that while our son could not focus on short stories and would forget math facts within a few weeks, he loved to pitch a baseball. When he was on the mound, you would have never known that he had ever taken a single medication for ADHD, or that getting through what should have been 90 minutes of homework took him at least two hours longer.

He worked quickly in games, throwing batters off with his fast pace. My son loved all of it — the more pressure the better. And it paid off: A smaller Division I college in New England offered him money to pitch there. Instantly, we had a solid college plan. Baseball was the tether that allowed him to continue his education while doing something that he loved.

ADHD in College, Pandemic Version

But going to college in 2020 was an arduous challenge for him as it was for most students. The focus required for statistics, biology, and other subjects that were difficult for my son under normal circumstances proved much more strenuous when classes happened over Zoom. He struggled even more when baseball season started, as it meant he had to balance sports and academics. I stood by with hands tied behind my back, 17 hours away, knowing full well that my days of emailing teachers and finding tutors ended the moment my son graduated from high school. My son would call and say he was on top of his schoolwork, but his grade report reflected a different story. Every semester was a struggle, no matter how much I tried to help him navigate things from 1100 miles away.

[Read: 13 College Survival Tips from Graduates with ADHD]

College graduation is now on the horizon, and my son’s academic status is still a day-to-day question. He is still a few credits shy of receiving his diploma, but close enough that he might be able to walk across the stage anyway and take the final classes over the summer. He has never been a straight-A student, and it does not help that he failed at least one college class almost every semester. He is the very definition of a procrastinator, and is not a student that stands out amongst his peers in the college classroom.

The Achievements That Also Matter

But when I think about the last four years, I think about this: My son has gifts that even a perfect SAT score would never reflect. He is infinitely kind and generous to a fault. There is no extra cord on a graduation gown for a student like him, someone who is terrible at managing money, but buys lunch for homeless people in fast food parking lots. My son will forget that he needs to undergo a physical exam for baseball until the day before it is due, but will sit with a friend he’s only known for a week in the emergency room until the friend’s father, who lives four hours away, shows up. He fought me when we found a therapist for him when he was on academic probation in his sophomore year, but I later learned from one of his roommate’s mothers that my son’s compassion and listening ear were one of the only things that kept her from driving to campus every weekend when her own son was struggling with a breakup that year.

There are no awards for the student who spends hours watching Hallmark movies with his grandmother over Christmas break. When he takes grandma sneaker shopping, he will forget everything I told him about the kind of supportive shoes she needs and will instead help her pick out the most colorful pair that they both love. My son will get defensive and argue relentlessly that he attends all of his classes, but he is always the first one to apologize when we argue. Even when we spend 15 minutes on the phone yelling at each other, he never, ever hangs up with telling me that he loves me.

I am not ashamed to say that I will absolutely be the mom who will post lots of pictures on my son’s graduation day, whenever it be in August or December. No one on social media knows what it took for us to get there. I will surely cry when I see him in a cap and gown, partially out of relief that he actually made it, but mostly because I know that many kids who struggled like he did would have given up. It is frustrating and sad to me that most of his professors will never know the real him. Procrastinator and time management disaster? Yes. But a kid with a heart so purely gold with gifts that mean nothing in academia? Absolutely.

Kids like him who struggle — whether it be from ADHD or a learning disability — know the reality of flying under the radar in the very worst of ways. And while I am so proud of my friends’ children who do have all the cords on their gowns, who are making their way into law schools and solid jobs with clear career paths after graduation, I have a secret place in my heart for people like my son, who might be unremarkable on paper, but are remarkable in one hundred other ways.

Social Media Envy with ADHD: Next Steps

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There is a lot of pride in my neuroqueer family. I call us a rainbow family because we represent so many different sexual identities and gender expressions, all knit together with love. I am proud to be part of such an amazing patchwork of people who understand that family is what you make it, and love is love.

There is also lots of neurodivergent pride in my family. And this Pride Month, I am thinking a lot about the layers of complexity that families like mine experience because we’re neurodivergent and members of the LGBTQIA2S+ community.

Even as a queer parent with ADHD myself, parenting in the age of enlightenment regarding identity can sometimes feel like an extreme sport. It’s admittedly hard to keep up with the changing ways we talk about gender, sexual orientation, neurodivergence, and other aspects of identity. Amid all this, one thing remains clear: Our ADHD and LGBT+ kids need us to fight even harder for their right to be seen, heard, and respected.

Fighting for LGBTQ+ Rights, Neurodivergent Style

The upside is that the fighting comes naturally to neurodivergent individuals. We know what it’s like to be on the fringes of society and experience stigma. We know what it’s like to mask parts of our identity to try to be accepted.

Our neurodivergent qualities also uniquely equip us to fight. Due to our strong sense of justice, it’s not a stretch to say that we’re likely to be on the front lines of equality movements. Our justice sensitivity is no doubt driven by rejection sensitive dysphoria – one of the most brutal aspects of living with ADHD. At the same time, feeling rejection to the extreme – in the form of homophobia, transphobia, and other forms of hate – can truly make life feel not worth living.

[Read: How to Be a Neuroqueer Ally]

As the mom of two gender-creative ADHD kids, I would do anything to protect them from this fate. Which is why I know that the best thing I can do is let my children see me fighting for them. At marches. At school. At the town hall. And yes, in the workplace.

As I write this, I am involved in a dispute at work, where grumbles and complaints about respecting people’s pronouns and gender identities happen near daily, despite company policies dictating that no discrimination of any kind is tolerated. What makes this situation scarier is the fact that my organization works with children, many of whom are gender non-conforming. In time, I hope my colleagues learn that using correct pronouns is lifesaving, especially for youth.

LGBTQ+ Joy Matters, Too

Fighting, however, is just one aspect of being part of the queer community. The other aspect — my favorite — is celebration. For Pride Month, we gather in our brightest clothes and most fabulous makeup. We have parades, we play music, and we dance in the streets. (ADHD creativity and spontaneity certainly help!) We are together. We see that we are not alone.

Another incredibly fun activity we do as a family is attend all-ages drag shows. The support for LGBTQ+ youth in these shows is unbelievable, like nothing you’ve ever seen. At every show, I take a moment to look around the room and see other rainbow families. I feel such pride in being part of a vibrant, creative, and bold community.

[Read: “I Didn’t Need to Understand My Teen’s Gender Journey to Support It.”]

Yes, the fight matters. Celebrating, living, and thriving – as a queer parent with ADHD – is part of the fight. It’s what neurodivergent and queer youth need to witness so they know it’s possible for themselves.

Neuroqueer Families: Next Steps

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Thirst is a bodily sensation that many neurodivergent children struggle to recognize due to sensory processing differences – an issue especially in the warm summer months. Children who have trouble with the interoceptive sense may feel internal discomfort but will struggle to register that it’s due to thirst or dehydration.

Help your child stay hydrated and healthy this summer (and year-round) with these strategies.

1. Follow a Hydration Routine

Develop a fluid-intake routine to train your child to better tune in to their senses.

Challenge your child to drink a minimum of eight cups of fluids — even better if it’s mostly water — spaced out every few hours throughout the day (e.g., after waking up, mid-morning, before lunch, mid-afternoon, and before dinner). Your child may need more fluids depending on activity level and the weather. Fluids can be paired with snacks and meals.

Monitor your child’s fluid intake — including time, amount, and types of fluids (water, juice, milk, etc.) they drink. Maintaining a log can help ensure they’re sticking to the routine and help you spot any unhealthy drinking patterns, like not drinking enough in one sitting, going for long hours without fluid intake, or hydrating too close to bedtime, which can disrupt sleep. Be sure to ask teachers, babysitters, and other caregivers to record your child’s fluid intake, too.

[Read: A How-To Guide to Summer Safety]

If your child struggles to tell when they’re thirsty, chances are that they also struggle to tell when they’re hungry and/or need to use the bathroom. A benefit of a hydration routine is that it can regulate all these bodily processes. Download my free chart here to track your child’s eating, drinking, and bathroom habits.

2. Set Reminders

• Set alarms using your watch, smartphone, and/or a device such as an Alexa to prompt your child and family to drink water and other fluids.
• Use pictures and other visual cues. Hang up an illustration of a child eating and drinking in sequence to remind your child what to do. Store cups next to plates and pack a carton of juice with your child’s lunchbox to visually connect eating with drinking.

3. Make Hydrating Fun

Encourage your child to choose a special cup or bottle, like one decorated with their favorite characters or animals, to motivate them to refill and stay hydrated. Novelty or musical reusable straws are also fun. Make water more interesting and palatable by adding natural flavors such as chopped mango, blueberries, or any fruit of your child’s choice, introduced at different times of the day.

[Read: How I Reduce the Summer Stress]

4. Incorporate Hydrating, Water-Rich Foods

Hydrating is not just about consuming cups of fluids. Water-rich foods – gelatin, popsicles, yogurts, and fruits – can also help your child stay hydrated. Though not a substitute for drinking fluids overall, these foods are a great compromise if your child resists drinking fluids.

5. Get Help from a Medical Professional

If keeping your child hydrated with the above strategies is a daily battle, you may be thinking, “Can’t I just let my child drink when they want to?”

Our bodies need to stay hydrated for many health reasons, from keeping the bladder clear of bacteria to carrying nutrients and oxygen to cells. Indigestion, constipation, and dysregulation are all results of dehydration.

But forcing your child to take in more fluid isn’t the answer. A medical professional can help you implement healthy strategies for your unique child.

Be mindful of the following symptoms, as they could indicate that your child is dehydrated. If symptoms are severe, call 911.

• dry mouth, lips, tongue, eyes, and skin
• tiredness and irritability
• headaches and dizziness
• dark, concentrated, strong-smelling urine
• urinating less frequently
• muscle cramps or spasms (may be noticeable during play)
• rapid heartbeat

Hydration Tips for Neurodivergent Kids: Next Steps

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Close your eyes for a moment and visualize a place of healing, rejuvenation, and wellness. What does that look like? What sounds do you hear? What’s the temperature? Is there a breeze blowing? What does it smell like?

Most people who do this exercise will describe a place in the natural environment – not a place behind a screen. It might be a sandy beach with the waves rolling in, a mountain meadow, or a forest of towering trees. It’s almost never an app or video game.

Humans are deeply connected to nature and we have been for as long as we’ve walked the Earth. We thrive when we spend time outdoors. But today that connection is hanging by a frayed thread, due largely to our overreliance on technology.

Today’s youth spend more time than ever before in front of screens. Even kids realize they are spending too much time on technology. A recent Pew study reports that 54% of young people say they are spending too much time on their phones. Then there’s the fact that excessive screen time has been linked to health issues from anxiety and depression to poor sleep, a cluster of issues that award-winning journalist Richard Louv dubs “nature-deficit disorder.”

The Power of No Power

The happiest teens use their phones less than one hour a day, according to a study. It might be difficult to convince a kid of that, but it’s clear that the happier kids are the ones finding ways to engage with the world rather than just looking at it online.

[Get This Free Download: Too Much Screen Time? How to Regulate Your Teen’s Devices]

Studies show that time in nature improves children’s school performance, behavior, self-discipline, creativity, and problem-solving abilities. It also helps them feel more connected with nature, making them more likely to help protect the natural world.

For kids with ADHD and related conditions, the benefits of spending time outdoors are profound. While increased screen time is linked to more severe symptoms in these kids, exercise and time outdoors have been shown to reduce symptoms. One study found that even looking at natural greenery significantly decreased stress levels for kids with ADHD, and that they could focus better after being outside.

Being out and about and taking in fresh air helps us sleep better. A study found that a weekend camping trip can reset circadian rhythms. Spending time in nature has even been shown to improve eyesight. Another benefit of family green time? A better relationship with your child.

How to Help Your Child Plug Into Nature

I’m not suggesting we try to eliminate all screen time. I am advocating for the benefits of unplugging, or as I call it, “the power of no power.”

[Read: “Why We’re Drawn to Beaches, Gardens, and Forests”]

As parents, you have the opportunity to give your kids real-life experiences to help them break free from their digital trance. Here are a few suggestions, many of which cost little yet provide priceless benefits:

• Go for a hike. There are state and local parks everywhere. If not a hike, a stroll through your neighborhood’s greenest parts.
• Ride bikes along a greenway path.
• Go fishing.
• Visit a waterfall.
• Take your kids swimming in a lake or swimming hole to cool off on a hot summer day.
• Rent canoes or inner tubes and float a river or paddle a lake.
• Picnic at a spring, lake, or river.
• Create a scavenger hunt or try geocaching, a real-life treasure hunt that gives kids a connection to nature and the people who left those treasures behind.

Your best memories probably don’t start with “There I was, at the computer.” So don’t just read about life online — get outside and live it with your kids.

Nature Deficit Disorder: Next Steps

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Grayson’s journey as a trans boy didn’t come out of the clear blue sky.

Though he liked to wear skirts and play with makeup, he also cut his hair short and kept it that way — even when other kids teased him and said he “looked like a boy.” When Grayson, who was assigned female at birth, was about 7 or 8, we were talking about puberty when he made a horrified face and said, “I don’t want to go through puberty.”

During one of these conversations, I remember him saying, “I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.”

At the end of fifth grade, when he brought all his schoolwork home, I looked through the papers and saw that he’d been signing his work with the name “Michael.” I asked him about it, and he said he wanted to use they/them pronouns. A couple of months later, he requested that we start using he/him pronouns, and took on a different name. Then, when he was 13, he changed his name to Grayson, which has stuck. I love the name — it suits him so well.

At about the same time, Grayson was diagnosed with inattentive type ADHD. That too, was not exactly a surprise. While he was never very fidgety or busy, he often had to be redirected. There were a lot of school struggles: not following directions, not getting things done, forgetting to hand in homework, and losing things.

[Read: 5 Overlooked Signs of ADHD – the Inattentive Type]

When Neurodiversity Meets Gender Diversity

It’s interesting — I know so many people who are both neurodiverse and genderqueer or part of the LGBTQIA+ community. I’m not saying that there’s any kind of causal factor at play, but there does seem to be some kind of correlation. Maybe the difference they feel because of their neurodivergence makes them feel more comfortable exploring other aspects of their identity? Or perhaps they are better able to identify that difference that other people have but don’t take the time to question?

At 16 years old, Grayson is so secure in who he is; he’s blow-your-mind good at advocating for himself. He is out and proud! In the last couple of years, he hasn’t needed me to speak for him because he stands up for himself.

Transgender Teens: Countering Misconceptions

There are so many myths about genderqueer kids. A big one is that kids are doing it for attention. It doesn’t make sense to me, given how negative a lot of that attention is and how scary the world can be when you don’t fit into your assigned “box.”

[Read: “I Didn’t Need to Understand My Teen’s Gender Journey to Support It.”]

Another myth I hear a lot is, “It’s a phase; he might grow out of it.” Or, “he’s too young to make that kind of decision.” People think it’s easy to get gender care and just — poof! — transition. That’s not how it works.

We are lucky that we live in a very progressive area, and I’ve worked in health care for years so I know the landscape. Even so, knowing where to go and who to talk to — and dealing with insurance coverage — has been a lot. When we moved states, the waiting list to get into the new gender care clinic was long, and I was concerned because Grayson was already on puberty blockers at that point and I didn’t want them to wear off. Eventually, his doctor who we’d seen for ADHD called the gender clinic and was able to get him seen. But what happens to the people who don’t have that kind of support?

To those who think he should wait until he’s “old enough” — in other words, an adult — I say this: A lot of those kids are not making it until adulthood. And that is scary. We have so much research now that clearly shows that the way to reduce suicide among trans teens is to give them gender-affirming care. It saves lives, and that isn’t hyperbole or exaggeration.

Another damaging myth that we’ve encountered is that there’s a right way and a wrong way to be trans or to express gender. Grayson is solidly a boy, and he also happens to like some feminine things — and there’s nothing wrong with that. I’ve had people ask, “Are you sure he still wants to be a boy? Because that pink hair of his isn’t very masculine.” And I tell them, “It’s a lot to sort through and figure out. Just let him be.”

I love him and support him on this journey one hundred percent.

Supporting Genderqueer Teens

It’s a scary time to be a parent of a trans kid. There’s a lot of anxiety about what’s going to happen. We live in a “safe state,” but how long will it stay safe? That existential dread is constant — and if it’s bad for me, I’m guessing that it’s much more nerve-wracking for him.

It’s so important to find a supportive community. I’ve been lucky enough to have friends who have also experienced this journey. We often send messages back and forth: “So this happened today…” or “The school’s doing this. How did you deal with it?”

I sometimes hear parents who are just beginning this journey express feelings of grief, that the child they knew is gone. To anyone feeling that way, I say this: Your child is still here. They are the same kid they always were. Nothing has changed, except maybe pronouns and a name, and people change names for all kinds of reasons.

Complicated feelings are normal, but just work it out with your therapist, and not in front of your kid. This isn’t something that’s “wrong.” It’s just something that’s different — just like ADHD. Your child needs you to love and support them, to help them live an authentic life as their truest self.

Genderqueer and Neurodiverse: Next Steps

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When my son was diagnosed with ADHD at age 9, I threw myself into research. Given my own adult ADHD diagnosis, I wanted to protect my child from the shame, self-doubt, and negative self-talk that I developed while growing up undiagnosed and untreated.

What I found in my research was confusing. Assessing whether a medication was effectively treating ADHD seemed heavily reliant on subjective reporting. How was I to reliably tell if my child’s ADHD medication and dose were really working as well as they should?

I was frustrated and determined to get clear results – and then I had a lightbulb moment.

The Truth Before Our Eyes

One day, I was reading with my kid. I watched as their eyes darted all over the page, the focus slipping away right in front of me. This must happen to so many people with ADHD when they try to read, I thought.

That’s when it hit me: When we read, our eyes follow a specific pattern. Unless we have ADHD, and then our wandering minds might lead to wandering eyes, making our reading patterns different and more erratic.

[Get This Free Download: How Do We Know the Medication Is Working?]

Eye movement is key; tracking it could reveal patterns and lead to a methodology for ultimately measuring focus. I brought the idea to my sister, an AI and bioinformatics expert. Together, we began to use AI to analyze reading processes and eye-movement patterns. We found that by tracking these patterns, we could develop a tool that would provide a clear, data-driven picture of how ADHD medication affects concentration and impulsivity, thus, a way to measure treatment efficacy.

Turning a Novel Idea Into Reality

Enter Ravid, my rollerblading buddy who also has ADHD and expertise in digital health product development. The three of us made this wild idea a reality. While Ravid and my sister built the product, I reached out to clinicians.

I learned in those conversations that there was no tool available that could objectively track medication efficacy for a patient outside of the clinic. Clinicians and researchers loved our approach. Reading is universal but complex enough to capture different aspects of ADHD, and eye tracking can reveal both concentration and impulse control levels.

And that’s how iFocus was born. You can log in to our site from a webcam-enabled computer and read a paragraph with and without your meds. Our tool will track your eye movement through your webcam as you read and establish a score representing your progress compared to your baseline.

[Read This Special Report: ADHD Treatments Scorecard from Readers]

Each session only takes a few minutes, but the impact, we think, can be life changing.

Putting People in Charge of Their ADHD Treatment

Recently, my kid started a new medication, and we used iFocus to find the right dose. The experience was completely different. They tested themselves, reported how they felt, and we had meaningful discussions about the results.

The dose where my child felt best was lower than I anticipated, but both my child’s report and iFocus results confirmed that the dose was working. This is just one example of how iFocus empowers people with ADHD to take control of their treatment journey.

ADHD Medication Efficacy: Next Steps

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Sam*, who has autism, ADHD, PTSD, and a developmental disability, was arrested last year after he became aggressive during a meltdown. His grandmother told officers that “he does not understand; his brain is like a five-year-old’s.” Her pleas went unheeded. That’s when I got involved in the case. I’m a disability advocate in San Antonio, Texas.

Sam was held in the general prison population. Clearly, he did not belong there. After calls to the district attorney’s office from his grandmother, Sam was released. He was nonverbal for six days. His grandmother and I filed a complaint with the San Antonio Police Department.

We wanted change. I prepared a list of recent court cases in which sheriff’s offices were sued for injury and/or murder of people with autism. Subsequent meetings followed, and other disability group advocates joined us, along with officers and the lead trainer of cadets from the Crisis Intervention Team, which supports first responders in encounters with people with disabilities.

[Download: Free Autism Evaluation Checklist]

Police Training to Better Recognize Neurodivergent People

Among our requests: We wanted police to provide more training to police officers, lessen their sensory footprint (using sirens or flashing lights only when necessary), and place fidgets and cards with visual representations of commands in their squad cars for interactions with impaired individuals. We also wanted to forge a connection between local police precincts and families with children who have ADHD and autism. If your child is nonverbal or experiences a mental health disorder, the local police officers should know who they are.

My organization, Family ADDventures, is now working with two nonprofits, Any Baby Can and Autism Community Network, to revamp training about autism and mental health conditions for all local police cadets. Family ADDventures is also working with a police training company to develop a national training program on neurodivergence for police and emergency responders.

My advice to advocates looking to make changes in their local police departments: Start by offering support. Our officers deserve to know their work is valued. Family ADDventures created a program wherein local bakeries and businesses share treats and information with officers before they start their night shift. It’s a small step toward building bridges.

Another word of advice for advocates: Understand your city’s complaint procedure and file when appropriate. If there is no movement on your complaint, read it as testimony at your county council meeting. Know how your city operates so you can show up and make noise. Timing and persistence matter.

[Download: The Truth About Autism Spectrum Disorder in Adults]

Visit FamilyADDventures.com to learn more about neurodiversity training for your organization

Police Training & the Neurodivergent Community: Next Steps

*Sam is not his real name.

Nicole Santiago, M.ED., is a disability advocate with ADHD. She is the founder of Family ADDventures.

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Ashe’s ADHD diagnosis happened soon after they realized they were gender non-binary in middle school. The gender journey started with Ashe wanting to explore a more androgynous look. They only wanted to wear pants and wanted to cut their hair short. They wanted to wear a suit to the 8th grade prom, instead of a dress. There was some confusion and a little bit of self-harm, which was scary for us. We sought out a gender identity therapist so Ashe could talk through how they were feeling about themselves and who they were and how they wanted to present themselves to the world.

Working with a gender identity therapist was really helpful. She gave great advice, and we had weekly homework. One week, it might be to make a big effort to use the right pronouns. The next week, it might be to reach out to a family member and tell them about the new name, in front of Ashe to show them that we were supportive. At the beginning, Ashe would get upset when I or Ashe’s dad used the wrong pronouns, but they learned to accept that people are going to make mistakes. The therapy lasted a year, and Ashe’s confidence increased as we went through that.

“It All Made Sense:” An Empowering Diagnosis

At the end of 9th grade, Ashe’s therapist suggested a neuropsych. We knew Ashe had trouble at school — struggles with taking tests and keeping focus, but because they were such a likable person, teachers always gave them the benefit of the doubt. It really wasn’t until high school that we saw their grades drop drastically. The tests kept coming back failed. Assignments were not getting handed in on time.

It was unclear to us what was going on. Depression and anxiety run in the family so we were concerned about that, but Ashe had started to do their own research and they said, ‘I think I might have ADHD.’”

Ashe was right: the neuropsych revealed ADHD. It turned out that the anxiety Ashe was feeling came from the ADHD not being managed. The testing was reassuring, and validating. It all made sense. Ashe thought, ‘This is what I’ve been experiencing. Let me try to get everyone in my life to work with this.”

[Read: ADHD in Teens – Your Guide to Warning Signs & Treatments for Adolescents]

I know sometimes when kids with ADHD explore gender, parents can wonder: are they just being impulsive? Ashe is very quick to make decisions and can be very impulsive. But you’re not in your kid’s head, so you have to step back and support them while you see where it goes.

A Surprising Journey

The evolution of the gender journey was surprising. As Ashe moved through high school, after working with the gender therapist, they became really confident in themselves. They started wearing skirts and embracing what we would think of as more feminine presentation, but they were very clear that when they wear a dress, it doesn’t mean they’re a girl. As Ashe has grown older and more knowledgeable and confident, they’ve really learned to love their body. For me, that was a lovely surprise because there can be a lot of body dysmorphia during this kind of gender journey.

The name change was the hardest part for me. Ashe was not the name we gave them. They wanted a more neutral name that they felt suited them better. It hurt at first to not be a part of that process, but looking back and seeing the whole journey, I understand that ‘Ashe’ is the name they feel is them. Now it’s really strange to think back on the dead name, which we do have to use from time to time for legal stuff.

[Read: How to Support a Teen with ADHD Who Is Questioning Their Gender]

In the beginning I asked Ashe a lot, “Can you explain it to me?” Then I stopped, because I realized that I had to do the work of learning, myself — listening to podcasts, reading articles. It shouldn’t necessarily be the child’s responsibility to make you understand.

Support Now. Understand In Time.

I also realized that I didn’t really need to understand in order to support. I figured out that the understanding would come, one day, down the line. But what needed to happen, in that moment, was just support.

The relationships, including friendships, that Ashe has formed are extremely deep and supportive. Ashe now has a boyfriend, and they’ve been together for two years. They have amazing communication for a bunch of 19-year-olds, the way they talk about how to address each other and physical touch and what’s okay with that. There is a lot of really open communication and I think it comes from both of them being so comfortable with who they are.

A lot of people push down who they are — whether that’s gender or sexuality or neurodivergence. But seeing Ashe embrace themselves, I’ve thought, wow, everyone should know as much as they can about themselves — their neurodivergence, gender identity, sexuality. It can open you up to being so much more authentic, and fulfilled.

Gender Diversity and Neurodiversity: Next Steps

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As a woman with ADHD, I can’t help but pull from my childhood experiences and reflections when helping the neurodivergent kids I see in therapy.

In fourth grade, my favorite teacher led an activity where we had to describe to our peers how to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich as if they were aliens who had never heard of such a food. As bright fourth graders, we started by telling the other group to “put the peanut butter on the bread.” As you can imagine, the instruction was so vague that my peers, who were only following directions, placed the entire peanut butter jar on top of the bread, which was not our intention. “Working and communicating together in groups can be challenging,” my teacher told me. “Did you learn anything from this?”

Working in groups – and socializing in general – can be especially challenging for kids with ADHD. ADHD is not so much about knowledge-based deficits as it is about performance-based challenges. A lot of us know how to socialize and we understand what’s right and wrong, but we struggle when we need to display our social skills. That’s why it’s so important to practice skills in real time, and why it’s even more important for parents to support and replicate skill-building at home.

The following are three social skills activities I have found help children with ADHD because they can be practiced in a social-skills groups with same-aged peers AND outside of the office with the support of parents:

“LEGO My Creation”

The first strategy, derived from an activity book by Jennifer Cook O’Toole, is written for parents, clinicians, and educators of autistic children. Given the overlap between autism and ADHD, this resource may be helpful more broadly.

[Get This Free Download: A Friendship Guide for Kids with ADHD]

The goal behind this communication activity resembles that of my PB&J fourth grade bit. During the activity, children sit back-to-back and each pair is given identical LEGO pieces. In each pair, Child #1 creates a structure with the pieces while Child #2, still turned the other way, waits. Then, Child #1, who built the structure, practices clearly and patiently communicating what they created to Child #2, who is blind to what Child #1 created. Child #2 has to try to build a replica using only Child #1’s verbal description. Both partners can only see and compare structures at the end of the activity. Before the activity, clinicians and/or parents should discuss helpful tips for easier communication, and children should also be coached and given direct feedback during the activity.

I like this activity because, even if it turns out to be very difficult for the pair, it will likely serve to increase awareness of situations in which children may be misunderstood and need to explain things more clearly. Other versions of this same activity, like drawing, can help with clarifying thoughts and with communicating more effectively.

Two tips I’ve learned in my practice with neurodivergent youth: Make sure the LEGO pieces are large and simplify the task for them as much as you can. The goal is to teach them something, but also to make the task attainable and fun, so if the structure is too difficult to describe, that may suck the fun out of the activity and make the game unnecessarily stressful.

Spin the Confidence Wheel

Many of the neurodivergent pre-teens and teens with whom I work say they want to increase their confidence in social situations. Enter the Confidence Wheel, an activity I derived from my exposure therapy work with anxious youth. Each slice of the wheel is filled in with a unique social anxiety exposure or situation based on the child’s specific triggers. When the wheel stops, the child has to engage in the social anxiety exposure indicated. (For so much of anxiety, the only way out is through.) After discussing the rationale behind this activity and receiving some core coping skills, the child engages in the social anxiety exposure with the support of their social skills group and clinician; they can also practice outside of the office with parental support.

[Read: 5 Ways to Reframe Anxiety for Your Worried Teen]

I like this one because it is applied – it pushes the child to actually DO something rather than just discuss a skill, and it can be practiced with parents’ support. After all, it will be difficult to engage in real-life social skills practice if anxiety is holding them back.

Winging it with Improv

Improvisation has so many social skills built into it — changing and adapting personas based on context, getting used to quick cognitive shifts, following what others are saying, staying on topic – that can help neurodivergent youth rehearse in a funny and supportive environment.

Improv classes, programs, clubs, and camps are everywhere – another benefit of this activity. As individuals with ADHD, we need humor and movement to stay sane, and improv provides both. Here’s a display of one improv activity I’ve seen work well with neurodivergent preteens and teens: LiveKellyandMark.

In each of these activities, we encourage adolescents to interact with others in real time while facing their social fears in fun, supportive environments. These exercises and contexts teach them to love themselves for who they are while opening their minds to new strategies for becoming the best versions of themselves.

Social Skills Activities: Next Steps

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“Maria, I get distracted all the time, too, and so does everyone else. But it doesn’t mean I have a…a… condition. I want to help you, but I don’t think you understand how medical diagnoses work. Indulging in the latest popular label isn’t helpful.”

At 44, when I was diagnosed with ADHD, my neuropsychologist warned me that telling my family about it, given the personal background I provided, might not be the wisest idea.

Before I brought up ADHD to my family, they never questioned my previous medical diagnoses: migraines, a root canal, COVID-19, two bunionectomies, and two staph infections. My understanding of my health conditions was never challenged until it came to ADHD, when a single family member politely undermined my medical diagnosis, my grasp of reality, and my intelligence.

Why the ADHD denial?

To Deny ADHD Is to Uphold a Fraught Reality

Those who dismiss ADHD, I gather, often do it as an act of self-preservation. To deny ADHD is to avoid uncomfortable truths about opportunity and success.

From the moment small children can comprehend language, adult authority figures tell them that if they follow specific steps, a particular outcome is very likely or guaranteed. “Work hard, and you’ll get good grades.” “Success is no accident.”  “Practice makes perfect.” This rigid, unforgiving logic is the very foundation of the American Dream and a common justification not to help each other. Athletes, actors, musicians, authors, artists, scientists, and other recipients of professional honors, wealth, and prestige will parrot the same talking points.

[Read: Why It Hurts When Neurotypicals Claim an “ADHD Moment”]

My parents and teachers reiterated these adages too. All of my siblings ardently followed this advice, and they were richly rewarded for their legitimate hard work: private boarding schools in England, Ivy League graduate degrees, high incomes, networking with wealthy families, and professional achievements.

Not for me or the other one in 20 children in the 1980s who had ADHD, though.

The people who champion these simplistic platitudes don’t realize or account for the fact that learning isn’t that simple for those of us who are wired differently. If an undetected and untreated developmental disability stymied my academic and professional achievements – instead of my alleged lazy, unmotivated, unintelligent, and scatterbrained behaviors – then the reality for my family and all the other people who genuinely think they worked hard is shattered.

Despite steps to mitigate the effects of disability discrimination, this country still wrestles with the fact that not all opportunities for success are equal, especially in highly competitive, driven environments. Most upsetting is the fact that ADHD runs in families, meaning that “bad” genetics can threaten to upend one’s previously positive self-image and long-held beliefs about intelligence. The inability to accept reality, such as loved ones clinging to stigma over facts, takes hold in families and denies the possibility for compassion, empathy, and proper treatment.

Covert Denial and Faux Concern

I’ll give these skeptics and critics some credit: they know outright denials or rejections of an ADHD diagnosis are no longer socially acceptable. They really don’t want to appear brazenly ignorant by contradicting a widely recognized neurodevelopmental disorder.

[Read: “Is ADHD Really Real?” 6 Ranked Responses to ADD Skeptics]

What’s the “better” response? Very respectful, palatable contradictions that are cloaked in faux concern and passive-aggressive denial. “Being fidgety is normal in children, but now it’s a ‘condition!’” “The inability to focus and concentrate probably isn’t really ADHD.” “All of this ADHD nonsense is only a flashy trend.” “Is the rise in diagnoses social media’s fault?” In my case, I got the question, “Did you take this, um, ADHD test online? Because that’s not how diagnostic testing works.”

ADHD skeptics and critics don’t want to face the fact that one of the driving reasons neurotypical people flourished in life is because academic and workplace environments are mostly set up so only neurotypical people could thrive and prosper.

If there had ever been a proactive, organic nationwide movement to acknowledge and understand disabilities and work to equalize the playing field, then the Americans with Disabilities Act and the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act wouldn’t need to exist. Thankfully, legally mandated disability accommodations expand the chances of success to more people in the workplace, classroom, and other fields. However, with change comes unpredictability. Insecurity and fear drive prejudices and make ADHD accommodations difficult to obtain.

As for my family member who repeatedly attacked the credentials and professional licensure of the neuropsychologist who diagnosed me, I eventually got somewhat of an apology. “I think it’s really good you found ADHD. All of… that seems to be helping you.” I had no idea I had it so good.

ADHD Is Real: Next Steps

Maria Reppas lives with her family on the East Coast. Visit her on Twitter and at mariareppas.com.

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Behind every sudden urge to deep-clean my home is an arduous task that I’m trying to avoid. Under these circumstances, it’s the perfect time to file papers and wipe down baseboards – anything but tackle the important assignment in front of me.

“Procrasti-cleaning” is most appealing when I’m faced with a project that isn’t clear-cut. Cleaning feels like a comparatively easy win. If I spend five minutes tidying up my desk, it will look visibly improved. Five minutes of writing, however, doesn’t always leave me feeling like I’ve made any progress.

Having an easily distracted brain doesn’t help. As someone with ADHD, I spend a lot of my day modulating my attention. I notice, and then subsequently choose to ignore, many potential distractions. These distractions come from within (e.g., the spark of new ideas, recalling items on my to-do list) and elsewhere (e.g., stray socks on the floor, dirty dishes in the sink).

[Read: Why the ADHD Brain Chooses the Less Important Task]

It takes a lot of energy to keep focused on a task that doesn’t excite me. I can feel my thoughts ping-ponging, bouncing around the walls of my head. My mind desperately seeks anything – even cleaning – on which to latch.

Giving in to procrastination, even if it’s in the form of something productive like cleaning, doesn’t usually feel good. But one day – when facing another complex project that I dreaded – I asked myself, what if I give into my impulse to escape, but for a limited period?

I set a timer for 10 minutes and went on a cleaning and organizing spree. I let myself go wherever I felt, addressing anything that triggered me: a napkin that had fallen on the floor, laundry that needed to be put away, unpaid bills, texts that needed to be sent.

After the timer rang, I got to work on some writing. I felt noticeably calmer and focused because my space was tidier and less distracting. And having a small win from cleaning gave me the dopamine boost I needed to sit down for less linear work.

[Read: Stop Dodging That Dreaded Task! 9 Ways to Halt Avoidance Procrastination]

I now follow this practice regularly, especially after dropping off my youngest at preschool, when I have a couple hours to get some higher-level work done. Starting off my free time with puttering allows me to clear my mind and space first, which inevitably makes the rest of my time more productive.

Another benefit to The 10-Minute Putter? It feels a bit like unmasking. A lot of us with ADHD (women, especially) have learned to mask our stereotypically ADHD characteristics because they make us seem less responsible, intelligent, or successful. When I putter, I get to operate however I want, without the usual confines to which I restrict myself.

The next time you have a daunting project or a moment in which you don’t know where or how to start, I invite you to pull out a timer and putter (or procrasti-clean) for 10 minutes. I hope it helps you unleash more momentum, focus, and creativity in your work and life.

Productive Procrastination and ADHD: Next Steps

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