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  • Are Mentors All That Important?

    Are Mentors All That Important?

    Mentors are people who teach, guide, and advise others who are younger than them. They normally teach them in areas such as Christian growth, ethics, or a certain field of study. In the modern day, mentors are not as common or encouraged. Since mentoring relationships aren’t as prevalent, many individuals question if they are important.

     Depending on the mentor and the age of life you are in, a mentor can be very important.

    Finding My Mentor

    Until college, I never really had a mentor. I had a mom and a dad, but never a direct mentor. It wasn’t until college that I actually had a mentor. My mentor was my missions professor, who became like a grandfather to me. He was the missions professor of the school, which meant he was the professor who taught us about missions, missiology, and intercultural studies. Since missions was one of my minors, I was taught by the missions professor throughout most semesters. I always left the class knowing more than I did before, and, more importantly, I left class with the feeling that I mattered.

    All before my mentor, teachers never encouraged me, nor did they support me. I never felt safe going to them. With my mentor, I was able to talk about school, the classes, and my walk with Christ. He believed in me when nobody else did—and before I could believe in myself. As part of my missions program, one of the classes was a missions internship. With my mental health battles, I was nervous to travel overseas, to say the least. Due to compulsions, anxiety, and depression, I was afraid of what was going to happen. 

    Encouragement from My Mentor

    Despite my fears, my mission professor believed in me and encouraged me as the day of my departure came closer. He and his wife even drove me to the airport and encouraged me the entire drive. To say I’m extremely grateful for both of them is an understatement. My mentor truly helped me overcome a huge obstacle by supporting me before, during, and after my mission internship. Once they had to leave me at the airport, I was afraid, but they had left me with the encouragement I needed.

    Did I stress out at the airport and call them? Of course. Did I end up crying and calling my family? Of course. I was scared, but through the encouragement and support of others, I was able to board the plane and head overseas. As nice as it would be to say that everything was smooth sailing from there, it wasn’t. I stayed with three missionary families while I was there, all of whom had to fill out evaluation forms on how well I was doing. I was struggling greatly there, not to mention a myriad of mental health issues that I didn’t feel comfortable sharing with them. 

    On each of these evaluation forms, I was given terrible reviews. I was doing everything they told me, yet form after form, my mentor was met with reviews that said I had too much emotional baggage or I had “spiritual problems.” These “spiritual problems” were simply the depression, anxiety, and anorexia that I had been struggling with for over a decade. With these negative evaluation forms, my mentor still believed in me, and I passed the class. Passing the class was a task in and of itself, but to know that my mentor believed in me, even after all the negative things that were written about me on the forms, was the greatest encouragement of all.

    Each of the three missionary families suggested that I wasn’t cut out for missionary work, but my mentor believed I was. To say the words from the missionary families didn’t hurt would be a lie. In fact, they hurt so much that it sent me on a downward spiral with my mental health for a long time after. They convinced me that I wasn’t good enough to be a missionary and that I had too many “problems.” 

    It’s funny how each of these missionary families could say I had too many problems, emotional baggage, and spiritual problems—because don’t we all? Don’t we all have past trauma, hurts, and pain? How many of us have a mental health issue and are afraid to tell others about it? Why are we scared? We are scared for the exact reason that they would label us as a “freak” or as someone with “spiritual problems.” We need more people who believe in us despite our illnesses and problems, who support us no matter what, just like my mentor. 

    Lasting Friendship with My Mentor

    In the aftermath of my trip, my mentor and I kept in touch even though he moved with his wife across the state to be with their family. Even though we don’t talk as much as we used to, I know I can always go to him when I’m in need of help, guidance, or advice. He never tires of my questions and he was never tired of how many times I would submit my assignments way too early. Since I had such a great experience with a mentor, I would say mentors are very important. Granted, not all mentors would be as supportive and encouraging as my mentor, but there are some great mentors out there—you just have to find them. 

    While I understand many individuals have had bad experiences with mentors, we need to know not all mentors are negative. In the case with my mentor, he wasn’t assigned to me, nor did someone tell me one day he was my mentor. Instead, he grew to be my mentor as I took his classes and relied on him for his knowledge of the field I was studying. Therefore, my piece of advice would be to find your own mentor and let it flow naturally. Nobody wants to be forced to be someone else’s mentor, yet over time, the right person can become the perfect mentor for you.

    Mentors are very important because they are wise and knowledgeable. My mentor was a university professor at my college, but your mentor might not be a professor. Your mentor might be your mom, dad, grandma, or grandpa. Even outside of the family, you can find a great mentor with spiritual/life advice. It might be your counselor, therapist, or your youth leader. When we stop trying to specifically look for a mentor, that is when we will find them. Ask God for His help and guidance as you try to find a mentor.

    The most important part of a mentor, by far, is his or her relationship with God. If they don’t know God, then it is best to choose a different mentor. If you’re going to have a mentor, it should be someone who loves God with all their heart, mind, and soul. A mentor without Jesus isn’t going to know how to lead you in a way that brings God glory. However, if you have a mentor who loves Jesus and follows Him faithfully, it will overflow in their lives and give glory to God. In time, you might become a mentor to someone, and you too will be able to share the love of Christ in your actions, just as my mentor did in my life. 

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/Zinkevych

    Vivian Bricker loves Jesus, studying the Word of God, and helping others in their walk with Christ. She has earned a Bachelor of Arts and Master’s degree in Christian Ministry with a deep academic emphasis in theology. Her favorite things to do are spending time with her family and friends, reading, and spending time outside. When she is not writing, she is embarking on other adventures.

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  • How to Break Up with a Friend (and Wish Them Well)

    How to Break Up with a Friend (and Wish Them Well)

    The knife went in, only a bit deeper this time. A friend had spread gossip about me, ruining my reputation and, ultimately, our friendship. The person who was my friend became my enemy. 

    Insults were hurled; accusations were made; feelings were hurt. A myriad of emotions stung my psyche. Hurt. Betrayal. Anger. I had invested my time, money, and extensive resources in this person. Now it was all I could muster not to wish for a refund on this raw deal. 

    They were supposed to be our friends. How could they do this to us?

    As time went on, a new set of emotions emerged. Bitterness. Resentment. Rage. I was hesitant to forgive and reluctant to trust anyone again. As I reflected on my feelings, God reminded me of this verse in Luke 6:27-28: “But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.”

    After reading that verse, I knew I had the best weapon of all—the gift of blessing. Satan was trying to steal our joy, but I wasn’t going to let him get away with it. As God always does, He allows us to take part in the redemptive work He is doing in the lives of His children, thwarting Satan’s plans to seek vengeance. That meant instead of seeking retaliation, I could seek to bless those who curse me. 

    Bless rather than sling mud?

    Speak blessings rather than speak curses?

    Did I even have it in me?

    Even though that friend betrayed me, I could, through the truth of Scripture, end the relationship by speaking blessings over her life. It wouldn’t be easy, but I could find redemption in a toxic relationship. 

    What Makes a Relationship Toxic? 

    Here are the ingredients of a toxic friendship:

    First, trust has been broken. The most important part of any relationship is that both people can trust each other. When trust is broken, it is difficult to continue in the relationship. Both parties must feel safe in a friendship. When one person feels they can’t trust the other, it is time to move on. A friend is someone with whom one can share their innermost thoughts and feelings and know those thoughts will be held with the highest confidentiality. When that person confides in someone else what was said, the relationship is over. 

    Second, certain expectations must be met. Both parties should accept each other for who they are, not try to spend their time changing the other person. Each party must feel it is a safe space for them to share and be honest with each other. When one party creates an unsafe space for the other, it’s time to re-evaluate the relationship. A friend is someone who loves us regardless of the circumstances. When one party starts to put conditions or limits on that love, it’s a toxic situation that needs to be resolved immediately. 

    Third, if the relationship drains me physically, emotionally, and mentally, it’s time to end the friendship. Both parties must be getting something out of the relationship. It can’t be one-sided. When one person acts more like a therapist than a friend, it’s time to end the friendship. This is especially true if someone tends to take more than they give in their friendship. Distance is best in a relationship where one takes more than they give. However, I wouldn’t recommend simply ghosting someone but rather having a heart-to-heart conversation with them. Sometimes having a hard conversation with them is all it takes for the relationship to continue. If, after having a conversation with them, they’re hesitant to change, it’s time to end the relationship. 

    Fourth, if they disrespect boundaries, it’s time to end the friendship. Every relationship should have specific boundaries regarding emotional and mental space. This way, there are no ambiguities as to where the relationship begins and where it ends. If a friend disrespects your boundaries, whether it means breaking confidentiality, betraying your trust, or asserting themselves in situations where they don’t belong, it’s time to create some distance. 

    Fifth, if passive-aggressive or dismissive behavior emerges in your friendship, it’s time to call it quits. Friendship does not require that both parties agree on every issue, but a friend should value the other person’s perspective enough to hear her out and consider it. A person who merely dismisses a concern or becomes self-centered in their behavior is not a friend worth keeping. 

    Blessing Enemies—a Tall Order

    Friendships can be enriching and rewarding experiences for both parties. But if toxic behavior results in any of the situations above or in any other situation not mentioned here, it is time you take a timeout on your friendship. It will be hard to grieve the loss of a friend. But in the end, you’ll benefit emotionally, mentally, and physically because of it. 

    After allowing Luke 6:27-28 to work in my heart, I presented myself with a challenge. For one week, I would pray a prayer of blessing over my enemies in the hopes that it would not only change my perspective of the situation but also my heart. Only God could want me to offer this to Him because I resisted it with every fiber of my being.

    Reluctantly, I sat in my chair and spoke this prayer aloud:

    “Lord, please bless ________. I know he/she is my enemy right now, but please bring your healing to the situation. Turn our turmoil into peace, our sorrow into joy, and our despair into hope.”

    On Monday, the words were like eating sour lemons—downright unpleasant. By Wednesday, they came a bit more naturally. By Friday, they tasted sweet like honey, rewarding them and me. 

    Praying a prayer of blessing over my enemies is a tall order. When I think about the situation, it still brings up feelings of anger and betrayal. Yet, Jesus afforded me the gift of forgiveness with His death on the cross. If He can bless His enemies then so can I. It’s far from easy, but worth it because blessing someone who hates me makes me love them even more. Every time I do it, something within me changes. My character becomes more like Jesus. The words become less bitter and a little sweeter. My thoughts are a little less angry and a little more peaceful.

    I hope one morning when I utter those words, I won’t have to think twice about them. I hope they will roll off my tongue with ease. I’m not quite there yet, but I’m getting there. Like Proverbs 16:24 says, “Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.”

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/MangoStar_Studio

    Michelle S. Lazurek is a multi-genre award-winning author, speaker, pastor’s wife, and mother. She is a literary agent for Wordwise Media Services and a certified writing coach. Her new children’s book Who God Wants Me to Be encourages girls to discover God’s plan for their careers. When not working, she enjoys sipping a Starbucks latte, collecting 80s memorabilia, and spending time with her family and her crazy dog. For more info, please visit her website www.michellelazurek.com.

    Michelle S. Lazurek

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  • What Does “Love the Sinner, Hate the Sin” Mean?

    What Does “Love the Sinner, Hate the Sin” Mean?

    Words are powerful. Words can build a person up or tear a person apart. Proverbs 18:21 tell us, “Words kill, words give life; they’re either poison or fruit—you choose.” Words can be a weapon of grace and mercy – breathing life into weary souls. And then there are those words spun from malicious tongues that can strip the oxygen from our lungs.

    Inspiring words can change circumstances for the better – legendary speech transcends time. There are sentences begging to be highlighted in our favorite books and pages to dog-ear and reread a thousand times. Healthy aspirations and stirring quotes get penned on sticky notes. And then lies a sacred space for the words committed to memory. They meld together like they were always meant to be. These words play a lyrical prose of soothing notes or dramatic keys stored tightly in your temporal lobe. Yes, these words are often attached to a moment when they had set sail to your soul, mended your heart, or ripped it apart. 

    The Origin of “Love the Sinner, Hate the Sin”

    I have heard these exact words several times in my life. Some call it a cliché or quote. I call it legendary because “Love the Sinner, Hate the Sin” has stood the test of time. According to an article on Catholic Answers, these words are first attributed to St. Augustine. “His Letter 211 (c. 424) contains the phrase Cum dilectione hominum et odio vitiorum, which translates roughly to ‘With love for mankind and hatred of sins.’” Then the article says, “The phrase has become more famous as ‘love the sinner but hate the sin’ or ‘hate the sin and not the sinner’ (the latter form appearing in Mohandas Gandhi’s 1929 autobiography).”

    Although “love the sinner, hate the sin” does not appear word for word in the Bible, the concept and command to love the sinner but despise the sin certainly appears throughout the New Testament. Jude 1:22-23 says, “Be merciful to those who doubt; save others by snatching them from the fire; to others show mercy, mixed with fear—hating even the clothing stained by corrupted flesh.” Our job is to love the human who is perfectly human but hate the tainted flesh that desires the very actions and things that seek to destroy the person’s relationship with God. And this is a tough job to succeed at. 

    Throughout the living pages of the Bible, Jesus shows us how this is done. He shows us how to dine with the sinner, exude kindness to the ostracized and outcast, and forgive the unforgivable – right up to His very last breath on this fallen earth. “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34). Jesus’s ultimate sacrifice on that tree demonstrated that flawed sinners are worthy of His compassion and love. He perfectly separated the human from his flaws. He gave His life so that we would have eternal life with Him, free from the stain of our fleshly desires.

    The Testing of Faith

    “He is a very flawed man, but he is still worthy of your compassion.” I have repeated these words over and over again lately. The past several months have been trying, and my faith has been put to the test repeatedly. And I have been hanging on to every last letter of that wisdom as I come to terms with a new revelation in the life of someone I love. Someone who needs me to love them despite their flaws. 

    Certain sins can change everything you know and think about a person. I recently heard, “Love the sinner, hate the sin.” As I said, I had listened to this statement before. However, this time, the words were used in context as I braced myself while learning of the sinful acts of someone close to me. My breath escaped me, with clouded vision and ringing ears. And yet I heard every syllable annunciated loud and clear as if it was commanded through a bullhorn. My heart and mind beckoned to the will of time to rewind a few minutes and let me go on in my blissful, naive state. It would be better that way. But instead, I would have to learn to separate sin from the soul – to love and hate simultaneously. 

    I want to report that I am handling this situation and challenge like a champ, but I regress that it has been hard to walk this line of love and hate. A line has been drawn in the sand, and I’ve battled with the ship-wrecking wind breaking my heart into millions of grain-sized pieces. Every time I draw the words “I love you” in the coarse yet soft combination of minerals and rocks, a wave erases that emotion. Again, I stare at the blank canvas before me while my fragile heart sways to the rhythm of the sea. How easy is it to bestow compassion on the victim? To the oppressed? But the challenge lies in extending this empathy to the oppressor. 

    For years, I’ve been faithfully and consistently writing in my prayer journal for God to teach me to love unconditionally or “love them anyways,” as I like to put it sometimes. I always thought I was good at loving. It’s easy to love, I decided. And I’ve been praying for this moment to love without conditions. To throw all reasoning and caution to the wind, channel my inner “Mother Teresa” and rise to the occasion. But I thought my test would be to love an unfriendly neighbor, an unruly child, or an old classmate who gossiped about me.  

    But that is not how God usually works. And I know from experience that if I write or will for God to teach me something, I must be willing to roll up my sleeves and dig deep. God often seems to lead me experientially with hands-on training, or hearts-on training in this case. I’ve been tasked with writing the second of The Greatest Commandment on double-lined paper, much like a child writes his spelling words. Committed to memory, etched in my heart, and lived out by my actions – I will learn to “Love my neighbor as myself” (Mark 12:31). And I’m adding the word ‘regardless’ here – to love without conditions means to love regardless of someone’s sins.

    What Does “Love the Sinner, Hate the Sin” Truly Mean?

    It doesn’t mean to condone the sin or turn a blind eye to it. It means to go against the grain and every natural impulse to associate the person with sin. After all, sin without repentance and salvation leads to death, and if we love someone, even our enemies, we want everlasting life for them. “Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death” (James 1:15). It certainly doesn’t mean to drop your boundaries or allow the sinner in your life when that person is your oppressor. However, there is a place in our hearts for everyone we come across, and our actions of love have the power to heal. 

    Hating sin also means we must humbly approach the fact that we are all sinners, taking inventory of our fleshly nature. Otherwise, we must bear the label of a hypocrite. “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye” (Matthew 7:3-5).

    It means we choose to love or to “love them anyways,” as I like to write it. And how do we do that? It takes prayer, faith, and courage, my friend. It takes small steps to uncast the stone hardening our hearts and fully trusting God with the command He asks of us. We must prepare to be tested and refined to learn how to be Christ-like. We must step uninhibited and fully willing to walk the road He has set for us. 

    As for me and this path God has me stumbling through, I will choose the actions of love and compassion until my heart and mind have time to catch up. I’m choosing love, even when it hurts. I’m loving the sinner while hating the sin.

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/ Blasius Erlinger

    Darcie Fuqua is a Business Analyst, Auburn Grad (War Eagle!), Christian blogger & podcast host, and mental health advocate. She is from the deep south of Alabama, where she currently resides with her husband, two energetic fun-loving boys, and a dog named Charlie. She loves sinking her toes in the sand, cuddling with her boys, and having great conversations over a table of good food. You can read more of her writing on her website www.leightonlane.com and connect with her on Facebook and Instagram. Check out Darcie’s latest project as cohost of Therapy in 10.

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  • Venus Sign: What Your Venus Can Tell You About Your Love Life

    Venus Sign: What Your Venus Can Tell You About Your Love Life

    With Venus in fiery and flamboyant Leo, the twins say this makes for a passionate and expressive soul. Whether it’s big and bold shows of affection or the most extravagant date you’ve ever been on, that’s Venus in Leo territory. And speaking of shows, this is a placement that has no problem with PDA, according to the twins—in fact, they might prefer it. They want to love dramatically, and further, receive dramatic shows of love in return.

    According to Roby Antila, Venus in Leo folks are generally warm, gregarious, outgoing, affectionate, and have a big presence that puts them at the center of attention. “They love social scene, they love to entertain friends, and they have a dramatic sense of style,” she explains, adding, “In a relationship, though, they’re very passionate and loyal, very romantic, and attracted to luxury.”

    That love of luxury, however, can be a bit dangerous when not kept in check. As such, Roby Antila notes that money matters should be approached with caution, and this placement needs to be wary of indulging in retail therapy or overstepping their budget.

    Sarah Regan

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  • 5 Ways to Love Your Unsaved Friends

    5 Ways to Love Your Unsaved Friends

    Interestingly, Jesus chose 12 young men who, at the time, had no real relationship with God. They resided within the fringe of religiosity. They were Jews, yes, but not born-again believers in Jesus Christ. That didn’t happen until after Jesus’ death and resurrection. Until that time, they were disciples (“learners”) and friends of the man they hoped was the Messiah, the one who would redeem them from Roman rule.

    Does that surprise you: that Jesus chose unsaved, Jewish-born men to be his closest followers? That was his intention, honestly. He was sent by God to purposely “seek and save the lost” (Luke 19:10). Seek in Greek (zēteō) means “to search for, to crave.” Jesus intentionally searched out and craved relationships with those who were unregenerate, with those who were the antithesis of himself: sinless, pure, and holy.

    The reason I bring this up is that many believers today have unsaved friends in their circle of relationships, and they may feel guilty (or even ashamed) that they do. After all, some believers think that Christians should keep the unsaved at a distance, citing 1 Corinthians 15:33 as justification. Yet, we, of all people, should, like Jesus, be seeking out the unsaved, craving their friendship (though not their influence), with the intention of being ambassadors for the Almighty, out of obedience to fulfilling the Great Commission of “making disciples,” and with the hope of bringing these unsaved friends to the Light, to receive the free gift of grace through faith.

    I have unsaved friends and acquaintances. And I believe, based on Jesus’ example with his disciples, that that’s a good thing. From my own experience, here are a few ways (which are not exhaustive) to express our love to our unsaved friends. These can also apply to unsaved family members, co-workers, neighbors—anyone in your relationship sphere who doesn’t know Jesus as Savior and Lord.

    1. Value Them

    This should go without saying, but in fact, in our culture today, which is so fraught with polarization around issues, sometimes we believers can tend to—perhaps unknowingly and unintentionally—“devalue” those who hold opposite principles than us. We can tend to think less of them, dismiss them, and even pass judgment on them out of self-righteousness and false piety.

    But every person, whether we agree with them politically, morally, religiously, or ethically, has value for the simple fact that they are created by God and bear his image. Even in their sinful state, they still carry his imprint. They bear the common-grace markings of him through the expression of emotions, intellect, and creativity.

    So, first off, value each unsaved friend as a God-created, God-imprinted person. Look past their opinions, beliefs, and leanings. Look at them through the lens of Creation, based on Genesis 1:27: “So God created mankind in his image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them” (emphasis added).

    2. Accept Them

    Accept them where they’re at. The unsaved are going to act as, well, unsaved. Their souls, minds, and hearts are unregenerated. They will think, believe, and act out of their sin-nature. They will speak profanely, they will drink (often to excess), they will be promiscuous, and they will slander and hate. They will act foolishly, irrationally, and sinfully.

    Given this, we’re not to condemn them. Frankly, we should expect them act unbecomingly in their depravity. It should not shock us nor surprise us. After all, we once did, too, before we surrendered our lives to Jesus as Savior and to the Holy Spirit as Sanctifier (Titus 3:3).

    Therefore, God says we have no business passing judgment on our worldly-minded, worldly-living, unsaved friends, based on 1 Corinthians 5:12: “What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside?”

    However, we aren’t to condone their behavior, either. We graciously accept them as a person without condoning their sinful choices. But when asked, we gently and respectfully tell them we don’t agree or approve of their behavior (1 Peter 3:16), and we use the opportunity to share how we are compelled, because of what Jesus did for us, to now live under the guidance of God’s ways.

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/PeopleImages 

    3. Listen to Them

    Oftentimes we think the best way to show love is to talk—even if it’s about God—when in actuality, it’s to listen. That old idiom, “God gave us one mouth and two ears,” rings true in this case. When people feel listened to—really listened to—they feel respected, valued, and cared about.

    Not to mention that God values a genuinely attentive listener. “Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: you must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry” (James 1:19).

    As people, they also have hopes and dreams, desires and aspirations, and pain and long-buried hurts, some of which may have been caused by the Church or other Christians. Listening to them helps us to build commonality with them, and compassion for them, especially in their suffering.

    Listening also breeds understanding. We may not agree with our friend’s views, but listening allows us to come to an understanding of how and why they think and believe the way they do. Furthermore, people like nothing more than to be understood and appreciated for their opinions, values, and beliefs, even if they’re on the wrong side of the Bible.

    Another benefit of listening—which was a new thought for me—is that it breeds patience in us, the listener. Says Mental Health Training in its podcast, “Sitting and listening to someone you disagree with is difficult. You will have to have patience. And if you haven’t already developed the necessary tolerance for this task, just the practice of hearing others more often will help you to create it. If you find you are struggling with the activity, try to remember you are listening to learn something new. You can also listen with the intent to ask questions, and this will help you focus on the words the other person is saying more carefully.”

    So, listen to learn and understand. Listen to show respect and value. Listen to cultivate patience and compassion.

    Conversely, listening will also earn you the right to be listened to. Tit for tat, so to speak. And then you have the wonderful opportunity to speak the truths of God, and your unsaved friend will likely be more apt to listen.

    4. Pray for Them

    “Prayer is the work,” someone once told me. How true that is. Prayer is the behind-the-scenes work in which all believers should be engaged. Prayer is the work of seeking open doors for Gospel witnessing, of building God’s Kingdom. James even tells us that “the prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective” (James 5:16).

    With regards to your unsaved friends (or whomever the Lord has burdened your heart with):

    5. Show Them Grace

    Jesus was God’s grace personified. He came not to condemn but to show grace to those who least deserved it: the sinners. He extended a helping hand to those who were suffering, a kind word to those who were desperate, and, when necessary, he spoke truth in confronting sin, yet with love. Grace upon grace.

    We should be God’s grace personified, as well, to our unsaved friends. We may be the only people who show them grace when they fail or sin grievously. Our extending grace to them when all others are judging and dismissing may just be what they need to experience for them to finally see their need for a Savior, to repent, and to receive salvation.

    Conclusion

    As believers in Christ, yes, we’re called to remain holy (“separate”) in our conduct and are not to conform to this world. But that isn’t justification to withdraw from the world or from its people. Quite the opposite. Distancing ourselves from the unsaved is not an option, nor is it biblical. Rather, Jesus told his disciples and us to “Go” into the world (“to all nations”) and to make disciples. And many times, that happens when we intentionally and prayerfully build genuine friendships with the unsaved.

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/Sarah Mason 

    denise kohlmeyer crosswalk authorDenise is a former newspaper reporter and current freelance writer. She has been published in numerous online and print publications. She is also a former Women’s Bible Study teacher. Denise’s passion is to use her writing to bless, encourage, and inform others. She lives outside of Chicago with her husband and two children (another has grown and flown). You can find Denise at denisekohlmeyer.com.

    Denise Kohlmeyer

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  • 4 Steps to Take When You Need to Forgive Someone

    4 Steps to Take When You Need to Forgive Someone

    The last step is to just say yes and forgive. As Nike would say, “just do it.” However, when you forgive, do it sincerely and completely. When you do this and you release the person who hurt you, you are actually releasing yourself.

    Unforgiveness is a prison that you walk into and willingly lock the door behind you. It keeps you trapped in the past and hinders you from living fully and freely in the present. Therefore, it hurts your future. I am not saying this from a place of condemnation. I am saying this from a place of experience because I was the one who was trapped. When I came to the place where I forgave, the unnecessary weight I was carrying was gone and it made me wonder why I waited so long to do this.

    How Do You Know When You Have Forgiven Someone?

    As I wrap this up, there is this last question to address. How do you know when you have truly forgiven someone who hurt you? Here are two quick answers.

    The first is when you remember the hurt, but the sting is gone. There really is no such thing as forgive and forget because our minds don’t work that way. Only God can forgive and forget. However, you can get to the place where, even though you remember the offense, it no longer hurts and you don’t hold it against that person.

    The second way you know you have forgiven is when you can do something towards that person which you could not do before. This might be as simple as praying sincerely for them, having a conversation with them, sharing a meal, writing a letter, or sending a card for their birthday. Whatever the action is, it is one you could not do before, but you can do now.

    Conclusion

    Let me recap the 4 steps to help you forgive others.  

    1. Perspective

    2. Remember

    3. Acknowledge

    4. Yes

    If you caught it the acronym is P.R.A.Y. When you are struggling with unforgiveness, then remember P.R.A.Y. and don’t just remember it as an acronym, but also as an action, because as you pray, God will empower you to help you choose to forgive.

    Photo credit: ©Getty Images/seb_ra

    Clarence L. Haynes Jr.

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  • 5 Things That Hurt Relationships with Grandkids

    5 Things That Hurt Relationships with Grandkids

    My children have been blessed to have consistent, weekly, sometimes daily interaction with their grandparents. But unfortunately, this isn’t always a gift for some families. Even within our own, we’ve experienced conflict and tensions that can—if left unresolved—hurt the relationship between grandparent and child.

    There’s no question that a healthy relationship between grandparents and grandchildren is a wonderful thing. Often, what can be overlooked, is that the bridge between them is the parent. Ripples can begin to affect the peace when that isn’t taken into account, and sometimes, all-out fights may ensue.

    Let me give an example.

    A few years ago, one of my children let a word fly that – in our house – is as generic as exclaiming “darn!” It’s not of four-letter word severity, nor was it swearing or taking the Lord’s name in vain. However, my parents weren’t particularly fond of this very popular and prevalent word. When my child used it, they were reprimanded and schooled on the impropriety of the word. My child came home in tears. My parents were unaware of the effect the incident had on my child. My husband was upset that my parents attempted to “parent” our child about something we have not made a disciplinary issue. The tension became inevitable. By cutting out my husband and myself from the disciplinary lecture for my children, my parents infringed guilt on my children for doing something wrong; they also started to worry that both my husband and I were “naughty” (Since we frequently use the word). While it did get resolved through explanation, compromise, and a willingness on both parties to listen, it could have easily become a wedge.

    My parents had to resolve themselves that their daughter and her husband had a different set of standards. My children had to learn that different sets of standards exist and that it doesn’t make the grandparents or parents on either side wrong, but rather, just different. They also learned to respect the boundaries in each home and recognized that this particular situation wasn’t a sin issue, and they weren’t disrespecting God when they used the word.

    A three-cord strand binds a family together in these situations: Grandparents, parents, and children. If not recognized, respected, and maneuvered carefully, situations (even minor ones) can create rifts and hurt the relationship we cherish between grandparent and grandchild. So, what are some obvious distinctive things to avoid when trying to protect that relationship and not hurt it for the long haul?

    1. Be conscientious of parental authority. 

    As grandparents, it can be extremely difficult when you disagree with how your children are raising your grandchildren. Whether it’s minor or something more major, it can create anxiety and even frustration within you. But challenging parental authority will typically only succeed in alienation. Instead, tread respectfully. Your influence in your grandchildren’s lives is far more important than making your point or even correcting your own children. There will more than likely be moments you can have honest, non-volatile conversations with your children. In the meantime, be aware of the guidelines they have set, honor them as much as possible, and spend the time you have investing in your grandchildren’s lives.

    2. They’re not yours. 

    As hard as it is sometimes, remember your grandchildren are not yours. This means you really have no “rights” to them, as much as it feels that you do. Demanding time with them, insisting that things be arranged to fit your lifestyle, or lecturing your children on how to raise your grandchildren will not inspire a healthy relationship.

    Boundaries within this relationship dynamic are important. Recognizing your place as supplemental and not parental will be key to having a healthy relationship and regular visits with your grandchildren.

    3. Saying “yes.”

    Grandparents are known for spoiling their grandkids. As a parent, I both love and despise this. Despise, because it makes me less popular than Grandma. Hee, hee. But truthfully, saying “yes” to the grandkids too often can result in hurting the relationship you have with them. Remember, your grandkids don’t need to be bought with things, but rather, your time, your investment of you, and your love. Too many yeses can breed entitlement, and your role as a grandparent will potentially be redefined as the fairy godmother who grants wishes rather than a loving role model.

    Being aware of the balance is important. Granted, as a grandparent, you can probably afford to say “yes” more often than a parent. Still, your grandchildren still need to understand and enjoy the security that comes with guidelines, boundaries, and a well-placed “no.”

    4. Distancing yourself.

     Sometimes geography cannot be helped. Miles between you may be a necessary evil that you must live with. However, if you are within easy distance of your grandchildren, you’ll want to be aware that distancing yourself from them can be as damaging as expecting to see them whenever and wherever you wish.

    What does “distancing” mean? It means not showing interest, including, or inviting your grandchildren into your world. It’s important that your own social life or hobbies don’t overtake your time to the extent you sacrifice time with the grandkids. Have your kids called and asked you to watch the grandchildren? What’s your response? Granted, life has obligations, but have you made your grandchildren a necessary part of your life and time?

    Remember, if you don’t foster a relationship with them while they’re little, as they age, they will likely age out of being interested in time with you.

    5. Be a safe place.

    Grandparents should be a safe haven for their grandchild. Obvious morals and virtues aside, there are other areas where safety can become a wedge that may hurt the relationship. Consider the bedtime stories you’re telling, the shows/cartoons you allow them to watch, the music you expose them to, etc. It’s not uncommon that grandparents may have a different grade by which they measure what is and isn’t appropriate. Do you also respect those of your grandchildren’s parents?

    Also, a difficult topic may be aging and your ability to offer a safe environment for your grandchild. Are your driving skills where they need to be for safety? Are you physically capable of caring for the grandchild? While it may be agony to be honest and realize your faculties are diminishing, it may hurt the relationship with your grandchild when you insist that you’re capable of various things and your children push back—on behalf of their children—with question/doubt that you are. Be honest with yourself and them. Recognize your limitations, if there are any, in order to preserve the relationship you can have with your grandchild.

    There is no perfect equation to grandparenting—the same as I’ve discovered there’s none to parenting either. So much of it seems like common sense, and yet our personalities, convictions, restrictions, and commitments can get in the way of quality relationships.

    Your grandchildren will cherish time with you. Your children will cherish your investment in their children. But it does require communication, cooperation, respect, and healthy boundaries. Even in situations with extremely difficult or delicate tensions, first and foremost, your relationship with your grandchild/children needs to be safeguarded. This may mean biting your tongue, hitting your knees in fervent prayer, or compromising.

    Remember, you are planting in your grandchildren seeds of legacy. That legacy will live with them long after you have passed on.

    Photo credit: ©Pexels/Juan Pablo Serrano Arenas

    Jaime Jo Wright is the winner of the Carol, Daphne du Maurier, and INSPY Awards. She’s also the Publishers Weekly and ECPA bestselling author of three novellas. The Christy Award-Winning author of “The House on Foster Hill”, Jaime Jo Wright resides in the hills of Wisconsin writing suspenseful mysteries stained with history’s secrets. Jaime lives in dreamland, exists in reality, and invites you to join her adventures at jaimewrightbooks.com!

    Jaime Jo Wright

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  • 3 Reasons Why “He Who Finds a Wife Finds a Good Thing”

    3 Reasons Why “He Who Finds a Wife Finds a Good Thing”

    All the fixings of a pasta dinner were nearly ready when my phone chirped at me again. It was Chris, he texted me how he really felt a work meeting long after the workday was over. 

    Stressed, he sent me the head explosion emoji. I smiled, texted back, “No worries babe. I’ll keep supper warm for you.”

    “So glad I have you,” he texted back. Over the next hour, he would text compliments in between complaints about the work meeting. Later when he walked in the door, his face lit up when he saw me and supper waiting. 

    “How did I find such a good wife?” he commented while he added Buitoni to his plate. 

    I wasn’t always an accommodating wife. But over the years, my heart has softened towards Chris and the pressures of his job. We’ve come full circle and the journey wouldn’t be complete without each other. 

    I learned over the years of restoring our house that marriage is much like the construction of a home. The way I support him is what carpenters call sister joists.

    In the early phases of restoring our home, we found one of the main joists was carrying more than its fair share of the load. The previous owners wanted an open concept for the living room and dining room, but they didn’t reinforce the joist properly and it was in dire need of a sister joist. 

    Joists in the structure of a home are designed to carry a certain load and sometimes sister joists are added to help the main joist become more structurally sound. Sometimes these joists are added when a new load will be heavier than the previous design. Finding a good wife is like adding a sister joist. 

    Where Does this Phrase Appear in the Bible?

    This phrase comes from Proverbs 18:22. It says, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing, And obtains favor from the Lord” (NKJV). 

    A man cannot attain anything better than a good wife. “An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels” (Proverbs 31:10).  Such a good wife is hard to find. 

    The word excellent (hayil) can mean “strength, capability, valor, or dignity.” This woman exemplifies each of these qualities, having great competence, noble character, and a strong commitment to God and her family. 

    Only the Lord can provide such an excellent woman. This good woman is a priceless gift from God.

    So, what is a good wife? The Bible says a wife is a help-meet, a partner, a virtuous woman with the grace of God upon her. She is her husband’s crown jewel, his lover, his confidant, the mother of his children and so many more things. 

    Let’s celebrate 3 reasons why when a man finds a wife, he finds a good thing!

    1. She Supports You

    One of the best things about being in a marriage is knowing your partner has your back through the ups and downs life will inevitably bring. When it comes to having a wife, men have said there is nothing better than the knowledge and the trust that comes when they know their wives support them.

    God didn’t create Eve to be under Adam’s feet or to be inferior to him. When the design of marriage became a construction zone, God saw it fit to create a sister joist. Eve was designed and built to support Adam. This was the construction and structure of the first marriage.

    “And the Lord God said, ‘It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him’ ” (Gen. 2:18). The word helper means one who aids another. Thus the woman was created because the man needed help from someone that could aid him in his responsibilities. 

    This same word helper is used in reference to the Lord Himself. David said concerning God: “The helpless commits himself to You; You are the helper of the fatherless” (Ps. 10:14). Jesus also called the Holy Spirit our Helper who would be sent to aid us in our service to the Father (John 14:16). 

    Take note, that Eve was created to be comparable to Adam. The word comparable means one who is a counterpart or the matching mate of the other. 

    A house is just a house until the use of your talents, soul, personality and nurturing make it a home. It’s been said, a wife is the heart of the home. That’s because wives see her husband’s and children’s and meets them. 

    Wives have the ability to add warmth in the day to day routine. Wives, more than anyone or anything, have the greatest impact to the future on their husband, children and home. Their development, character, and destiny are in her hands because a wife is there to support her man. 

    A wife is there to support her man when work is demanding. A wife is there to support her man when he faces challenging situations. To remind him of his abilities and talents. To remind him of who he is as a man of God.

    A wife is there to support her man to give him the ability to accomplish more. To turn his recklessness into boldness. To replace his insecurity with confidence. 

    How amazing it is to have a godly woman who is there to support you. 

    2. Her Body Speaks Peace to You 

    When a man looks forward to going home, it’s because his wife has become his home. Her words, her tone, her smile, and her knowledge of who he is, speaks peace to her husband.

    Paul reminds us, “In the same way, their wives are to be women worthy of respect, not malicious talkers but temperate and trustworthy in everything” (1 Timothy 3:11). In other words, this is a woman who is not overly proud, knows when to speak and when to be silent, and is able to take her place beside her husband in confidence. 

    Peace is the result of trust. It’s the calm assurance that comes from knowing your partner can be counted on. 

    It allows your spouse to feel safe, it deepens his love and causes friendship, emotional, physical, and spiritual intimacy to blossom. Her body speaks peace because she embraces him with open arms, her lips are filled with laughter, and her words are filled with peace. 

    When trust is lacking in a marriage, suspicion and fear begin to dominate causing the relationship to feel very insecure. He doesn’t need to worry about nagging, cold shoulders, a cold bed and withering looks.

    One of the Old Testament words for trust (batach) has a meaning of “confidence that causes one to care-less.” Your man trusts you because you are his support, his security, his place of safety. When he is around you, he can let his guard down. He knows he is accepted and loved. 

    3. She Meets Your Desires

    A good wife meets her husband’s desires.

    Your thoughts may have drifted to the bedroom, and while this is a big part of a healthy marriage—we’re talking about all of his desires from his wife:

    His desire to be respected.

    His desire for her loyalty.

     His desire for her to nurture his children.

    His desire for her to take care of her health and appearance.

    His desire for her to let him lead.

    His desire for her to be happy with all that he provides.

    His desire for recreational companionship with her.

    Proverbs 31:10-11 reminds us: “An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.” 

    Husbands looks to his wife to meet the desires of his heart. He can get respect from his workplace, he can get companionship from his friends, he can admire other women, but he wants and needs these things from her—his wife. 

    Women, you truly are your man’s treasure. You are the good thing is his life. You are valuable to him.

    When he finds you as a wife he obtains favor from the Lord. You are his blessing. You are the love of his life. 

    Continue to be a good thing in his life: woo him, love him, smile often. Be his help-meet, be his cheerleader and brag about him often. Be his sister joist. Be the good thing.

    Related Resource: Listen to our new, FREE podcast on marriage: Team Us. The best marriages have a teamwork mentality. Find practical, realistic ideas for strengthening your marriage. Listen to an episode here, and then head over to LifeAudio.com to check out all of our episodes:

    Heather Riggleman calls Nebraska home (Hey, it’s not for everyone) with her three kids and husband of 20 years. She writes to bring bold truths to marriage, career, mental health, faith, relationships, celebration and heartache. Heather is an author and a former national award-winning journalist. Her work has also been featured on Proverbs 31 Ministries, MOPS, Today’s Christian Woman and Focus On the Family. You can find her at heatherriggleman.com or connect with her on Instagram.  

    Photo Credit: © Getty Images/OJO_Images

    Heather Riggleman is a believer, wife, mom, author, social media consultant, and full-time writer. She lives in Minden, Nebraska with her kids, high school sweetheart, and three cats who are her entourage around the homestead. She is a former award-winning journalist with over 2,000 articles published. She is full of grace and grit, raw honesty, and truly believes tacos can solve just about any situation. You can find her on GodUpdates, iBelieve, Crosswalk, Hello Darling, Focus On The Family, and in Brio Magazine. Connect with her at www.HeatherRiggleman.com or on Facebook.  

    Heather Riggleman

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  • How to Have a Meaningful Quiet Time Together in Your Marriage

    How to Have a Meaningful Quiet Time Together in Your Marriage

    What is quiet time? It is a designated time set apart from your busy day to connect with God. It can include many different elements of prayer, reading the Word, scripture meditation, or reading a devotional. It is important to remember that we are not only spending time with God so that He can hear from us but allowing space for stillness to listen to God. This is a huge element of having a relationship with the Lord.

    If you are married, it is important to have quiet time alone with God and also to set aside time as a couple to hear from the Lord.

    Marriage is hard. Marriage with children, jobs, responsibilities, and all the other things is even harder. Setting aside quiet time together is crucial to secure a solid foundation for our marriage and family. Not just time to be alone but time to pray and read God’s Word.

    The enemy will target marriages, having them believe lies that quiet time together is not necessary or that there just isn’t time.

    Making quiet time together a priority won’t only strengthen your marriage but also your family. Reading and praying together will soften your hearts toward one another and give you the strength and grace to deal with conflict.

    It can be challenging to balance family life and set aside time together, but if you are intentional about it, it is more than possible. Once you start to see the benefits of spending time together in the stillness of the Lord, you will begin to crave this time together and feel the void when you don’t.

    Set Aside a Designated Time

    This can be the most challenging part. When you have a million other things going on in your home, how can you set aside 15-30 minutes without distraction?

    Your family is unique, and there is not a one size fits all solution to this. It may look different from day to day and week to week. Begin praying separately about what God wants this to look like for you in your marriage and family life.

    This may mean waking up ten minutes before the chaos begins to hold hands in prayer for the day. It may mean turning off the TV after the kids are asleep and pulling out a Bible reading plan or a study to work through together. We often can find things that we can eliminate in our lives to make space for God.

    It may even mean getting a babysitter once a week so you can spend thirty minutes at a local coffee shop going over a book of the Bible.

    Whatever time you have available and wherever you can conjure up a bit of time alone, use it wisely. Ask the Lord to bless your time, and He will, no matter when or how it happens. Just start, and God will bless you for that.

    Pick Your Resource

    Nothing is more frustrating than wanting to study God’s Word but having no idea where to start. Numerous resources are out there to get you started, which can be overwhelming. Even if it is simply reading the Bible through a year or planning what book you will go through, that is a good place to start.

    However, do not overwhelm yourselves; you can start with one book of the Bible. You can read several passages together in several different translations to pull out different meanings. Let the Lord lead you in this time; you may find something unique just for the two of you.

    MOST IMPORTANT: Don’t forget to PRAY before you begin and ask the Lord to speak to you.

    In Hebrews 4:12, we read, “For the Word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.”

    Although there are valuable resources to help us navigate the Bible and to learn from God, His Word needs to be the foundation of our study.

    If you want to jump into a resource, here are a few simple ones to get you started:

    You Version APP

    Click here.

    This Bible app has hundreds of reading plans that you can incorporate into your quiet time. There are plans for marriage, family, parenting, you name it. This is a simple and fun way to get into the Word.

    Bible ReCap

    Click here.

    This is a valuable resource for reading through the entire Bible chronologically. You can read 2-3 chapters daily and then listen to a 5-8 minute podcast explaining what you just read. This will spur much deep conversation and help you both understand the Word of God better.

    Daily Grace Co.

    Click here.

    This is a company that specializes in Biblical study and resources. They have workbooks on many topics that help you navigate through a book of the Bible or a certain topic. They always offer discounts and sales, so this is an easy way to connect in the short time you can be together.

    Pray

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/pcess609

    One of the most valuable ways to spend quiet time together is to pray. Perhaps, keep a prayer journal where you write down everything that needs prayer. You can record how God came through for your family and see God’s faithfulness show up time and time again. This will strengthen your faith and build trust in your spouse.

    When you pray, be sure to pray for and thank God for each other. When my husband and I were in premarital counseling, our Pastor suggested that we pray for and thank God for each other every night before we went to sleep. We have held this tradition for over eight years now. Of course, it is not always consistent or perfect, but we have seen God work miracles in our lives because of this prayer time.

    When we audibly hear our spouse thank God for us and what we do for the family, it builds trust and confidence in our marriage and our spouse. It brings you closer together as you can tether onto a direct connection to God with your spouse. This truly is what it means to be one flesh, as the Word says.

    Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. Genesis 2:24

    Again, don’t be overwhelmed by the notion of needing to add one more thing to your already very full plate. God knows where you and your spouse are and exactly what you are capable of. This doesn’t mean He won’t stretch you or ask new things from you, but you can rest assured that God has a specific plan for your marriage and how He wants to enter into your union.

    Just simply start by lifting the idea of a quiet time to the Lord and watch Him work powerfully in your marriage.

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/andreswd

    Heidi Vegh is a writer, speaker, and ministry leader living in Gig Harbor, WA. She is a remarried mother of four, navigating the blended family life after the loss of her first husband to cancer in 2013. She longs to use her writing as a way to encourage others who have experienced loss and guide them on the road to healing. She contributes to her blog found at thebreathingmama.com, sharing stories and devotionals of faith stemming from her loss and healing, mothering, and her blended and complex family. She graduated from Southern New Hampshire University with a degree in Creative Writing and English and is working on her first book. Heidi is the Women’s Ministry Director at Gig Harbor Foursquare and has a deep heart for sharing Jesus with women and encouraging them in their faith walk. When she is not writing she loves to travel, read, craft, and experiment in the kitchen. Visit her Facebook and Instagram (@mrsheidivegh) to learn more.

    Heidi Vegh

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  • A Letter for the Socially Anxious Spouse Married to a Social Spouse

    A Letter for the Socially Anxious Spouse Married to a Social Spouse

    One night, my husband and I were standing together, examining the items on a store shelf. I noticed a man walking up pretty close to us. I nervously found what I needed, smiled, and moved out of his way. As I am walking away, my husband begins talking to this stranger. After quite a few minutes of endless talking, I realized this conversation was not reaching an endpoint. I practically had to pull my husband away. We joked about it as we walked off that I avoid social interaction at all costs, but my husband seeks out the opportunity to engage with others. His words just flow off the tongue.

    I do not share this same gift, and maybe you or your spouse don’t either. I don’t know who you are in this scenario, but I can probably guess that, since you are reading this, you are one way while your spouse is another. I enjoy that my husband and I balance each other out, but I do not enjoy it at the moment of anxiety, being faced with the realization that while my husband is flourishing, I feel like I am failing. But how can we balance each other out in a way that feels safe but doesn’t feel limiting?

    Voice Your Fears

    My husband and I have always been open and honest with each other. But there have been many times that I expect him to know what is going on in my head, even without me telling him. I think we have all been there. But expecting understanding from someone without voicing your struggle is a surefire way to initiate hurt feelings for you or both of you. 

    “Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ.” ‭‭Galatians‬ ‭6‬:‭2‬ ‭NLT‬‬

    Be a Place of Safety

    In return, if your spouse voices his or her fears, this is your opportunity to be a place of safety for their worries. You may not be able to fix it, but you can be a voice of reason and an encouraging motivator through their fear. They are clinging to you for support in those moments. Do not hang them out to dry or make light of their struggle through break-the-ice jokes. 

    “In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered. Finally, all of you should be of one mind. Sympathize with each other. Love each other as brothers and sisters. Be tenderhearted, and keep a humble attitude.” ‭‭1 Peter‬ ‭3‬:7-‭8‬ ‭NLT‬‬

    Create a Plan Together

    My husband and I always have a plan for when it is time to leave a gathering. I am terrible at goodbyes, so I need to know ahead of time what kind of time frame we are looking at and what our reason for leaving is so I can prepare myself for when our time of departure comes. Similarly, we discuss different conversation topics or examples of what I should say in response to themes I am expecting will come up.

    “Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed.” ‭‭Ecclesiastes‬ ‭4‬:‭9‬ NLT‬‬

    Let Your Spouse Lead

    And as you guessed it, I prefer my husband to lead me into a gathering and out of a gathering. He has a much better way with words. As a southerner, departing from someone’s house is not as simple as saying goodbye. It is a 30-minute ordeal to get out the door and 30 more minutes in the driveway. Allowing your spouse to lead is not a sign of weakness but a display of your oneness as God designed. Let him or her make the transition smooth for both of you. That plan you created together prior to your social engagement, stick to it, and work together to see it through to completion.

    “And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”

    “As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.”” ‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭5‬:‭21‬, ‭31‬ ‭NLT‬‬

    (I encourage you to read Ephesians 5:21-33.)

    Remind Your Spouse How Important Their Role Is

    We know that it can be exhausting going through all this “extra work” just to spend time with others. We may easily admit that we feel like a burden at times, but our hope is that you also see how important your role is to us. Your piece in this puzzle is crucial to us. Just as God created Eve to be a helper for Adam, you are my helper. You and your needs are important to me.

    “Now the Lord God said, “It is not good (beneficial) for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper [one who balances him—a counterpart who is] suitable and complementary for him.”” ‭‭Genesis‬ ‭2‬:‭18‬ ‭AMP‬‬

    Encourage Your Spouse to Find Safety in Christ

    There is nowhere we can go that is out of the presence of God. We are never, ever alone. We may feel alone, like we are drowning in our fears and need for isolation. But we are held in the palm of His hand. We can find safety in His ability to care for us. I know the burden can feel heavy, but we hope that you know just how important you are in reminding us that God has got us.

    “And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.” ‭‭Romans‬ ‭8‬:‭38‬-‭39‬ ‭NLT‬‬

    Seek to Understand

    You understand your ability to engage and work well with others, but maybe you don’t understand how or why your spouse is uncomfortable. You understand your fear of communicating and being in the presence of others, but maybe you don’t understand how your spouse can be so carefree in this moment. Find common ground to understand what the other is feeling. Make a decision to see your spouse’s struggle or confidence in this specific situation. Try to see life through their eyes. Remind yourself that no matter what side you are standing on, you are understood by your Heavenly Father. Trust that He will make a way for you in this moment and every moment after.

    “Just as our bodies have many parts and each part has a special function, so it is with Christ’s body. We are many parts of one body, and we all belong to each other. In his grace, God has given us different gifts for doing certain things well. So if God has given you the ability to prophesy, speak out with as much faith as God has given you.” ‭‭Romans‬ ‭12‬:‭4‬-‭6‬ ‭NLT‬

    Prayer

    The most powerful gift that directly connects us with the Father is our prayers. Pray over and with your spouse. God is our help and refuge. He sees us in the midst of our struggles. We can only do so much, but God can do abundantly more and will work all things out for good. 

    “And this is the confidence that we have toward him, that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us. And if we know that he hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests that we have asked of him.” 1 John 5:14-15 ESV

    No matter what highs or lows we experience in marriage, we should always experience them together as one body before Christ. It can be hard to understand something we do not personally experience, but we can seek to understand how we can help our spouse through it. We do not have to experience it to extend hope and understanding, but we can work together in order to succeed.

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/fizkes

    Laura Spurlin is a Christian, wife to her high school sweetheart, mama to her kiddos, nurse, and writer that has a passion for sharing what the Lord puts on her heart about motherhood, mental health, and all things in the Word of God.

    Laura Spurlin

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  • Are You a Young Grandparent? Here Are 5 Ways This Can Be a Blessing

    Are You a Young Grandparent? Here Are 5 Ways This Can Be a Blessing

    Becoming a grandparent is a milestone event that brings many blessings. However, when you find yourself in this role relatively young, you might wonder if you’re ready for the responsibility.

    My husband and I became grandparents at 41 – something we never expected. All sorts of doubts went through our minds as we still had young children at home and didn’t know what would be expected of us.

    However, our doubts flew out the window with one glance at our newborn grandson. The blessing we held in our arms brought things into perspective and realigned us with our God-given purpose. It’s been eleven years since that day, and we now see how God turned our apprehensions into one of the greatest blessings on this side of heaven.

    If you’re a young grandparent, here is why it can be a blessing:

    1. You Have the Energy to Keep Up with Them

    Recently, I was jogging alongside my grandkids as they rode their scooters. My oldest grandson said, “Wow, Nana, I can’t believe you can jog!” His statement made me laugh, and also thank God that I had the energy to keep up with them. These kinds of blessings make me realize how wonderful it is to be a young grandparent.

    While our grandkids will wear us out from time to time, we can do many things to stay active and keep up. Here are a few activities to consider:

    -Hiking, biking, or swimming

    -Camping or nature walks

    -Playing basketball

    -Playing tennis

    -Playing ping-pong

    Not only can we engage in physical activities with our grandkids, but we can also enjoy the things they’re involved in, such as sports, music, art, 4-H, and other school clubs. Being a young grandparent gives us the energy we need to be active with our grandkids and enjoy every minute.

    2. You Can Keep Up with the Trends

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/monkeybusinessimages

    With today’s technology, grandparents need to be in the know and try to keep up with some trends. Notice I said some of the trends – as not all of them are beneficial for our grandchildren or us.

    Whether posting funny TikTok videos or looking up silly memes, our grandkids will love it when we engage in the things they’re interested in. Here are ways to keep up with the latest trends while still being a positive influence on your grandchildren:

    -Be interested in fashion trends while still encouraging modesty.

    -Know who they follow on social media and advise them to use caution.

    -Watch movies that are both entertaining and clean.

    -Listen to the music they like while pointing out questionable lyrics.

    -Go to concerts, sports events, and festivals.

    Remember, you can have fun with your grandkids and be tuned in to the latest trends while still maintaining Godly standards. Hopefully, they will pick up on your boundaries and begin to ask questions that can lead to more discussions from the Bible. Ultimately, we want to connect with our grandchildren in such a way that they will also be encouraged by our faith.

    3. You’ll Watch Them Grow Up

    As a young grandparent, you have the advantage of seeing your grandchildren reach important milestones such as their first steps, first words, and the first day of school. You get to witness their growth and development firsthand and be there to provide support and encouragement as they navigate life’s challenges. And Lord willing, you’ll get to see your grandchildren reach adulthood, get married, and have their own children one day.

    Psalm 145:4 says, “One generation commends your works to another; they tell of your mighty acts.” And the Psalmist says, in Psalm 71:18, “So even to old age and gray hairs, O God, do not forsake me, until I proclaim your might to another generation, your power to all those to come.”

    Watching our grandchildren grow up is a precious blessing from God. Let’s take every opportunity afforded to us to share the Good News of the Gospel and encourage a relationship with Jesus.

    Each passing year is another reason to thank God for His provision over us and be intentional in the lives of our grandchildren.

    4. You’re Able to Help Their Parents

    A family on a couch

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/nd3000

    We have the opportunity to provide support to our grandkids and assist their parents on this journey called “parenthood.” As we all know, parenting is not for the faint-hearted; sometimes, our kids just need a break. Young grandparenting allows us to step in when needed and offer whatever help we can.

    -Babysitting/Keeping the grandchildren overnight

    -Providing Meals/House cleaning

    -Running errands

    -Offering a listening ear

    -Doing life together

    I believe it’s God’s design for families to support each other and be available. When we become grandparents at a young age, we have even more opportunities to help our children raise their children and fulfill God’s plan. What a blessing to have the energy and resources to be able to help our kids as they parent our grandchildren!

    5. You’ll Have Many Years to Share Jesus with Them

    Sharing Jesus with our grandkids is the most important thing we could ever do, and being a young grandparent affords us a few extra years to talk about the Savior and live by example. Our greatest hope is that all our grandchildren will come to know the Lord as their personal Savior, and we have the opportunity to plant seeds and water them as they grow.

    As a young mom, I rarely felt like I had the time to stop what I was doing and give my children undivided attention. But as a grandparent, I want each of my grandkids to know I am here to listen and encourage them.

    Intending to pass on my faith, I pray for God-given opportunities to share Jesus and point my grandchildren to the Savior. I believe this is my primary role as a grandparent, and I hope to live long enough to see the fruit of it.

    Despite my unpreparedness to become a grandparent early in life, I have come to realize that it was always part of God’s divine plan. Having grandchildren is an abundant blessing, and earnestly embracing our role with purpose and grace is an honor and a privilege.

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/LuckyBusiness

    Jennifer WaddleJennifer Waddle is the author of several books, including Prayer WORRIER: Turning Every Worry into Powerful Prayer, and is a regular contributor for LifeWay, Crosswalk, Abide, and Christians Care International. Jennifer’s online ministry is EncouragementMama.com where you can find her books and sign up for her weekly post, Discouragement Doesn’t Win. She resides with her family near the foothills of the Rocky Mountains—her favorite place on earth. 

    Jennifer Waddle

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  • How to Stop Your Marriage from Drifting

    How to Stop Your Marriage from Drifting

    “I don’t feel close to my husband,” Jane said to me, her husband sitting right next to her. She had shared this in response to me asking what she and her husband wanted out of their Marriage Intensive. 

    “Why is that?” I asked, wondering why she would say something like this, given she and her husband, Darren had been married for over 10 years. 

    “He works 10 hours a day, has an hour commute, and I and the kids get an exhausted man when he gets home.”

    Darren stiffened at her words. 

    “The first thing I do,” he said defensively, “is come and greet you. I don’t know what more you want from me.” 

    “I want a lot more,” she said softly. “I want companionship. I want to know what is going on inside you. I want to feel closely connected to you. That’s why we are at this Intensive.” 

    “I tell you about my workday,” he continued. “That’s what’s going on inside me. I tell you the problems I’m having in the office. That’s all I have inside me.” 

    Darren appeared to be getting very defensive and agitated. 

    “She says this to me all the time,” he said, clearly exasperated. “I just don’t know what else she wants and it makes me mad.” 

    “Can you tell him?” she asked, looking to me. “I’ve shared it all before. He’s heard me rant about needing vulnerability from him. Can you tell him?”

    “Maybe,” I said. “But, I’m betting you can share more. Why don’t you turn to him and tell him the perfect evening? What would you like to have happen and let’s see if he is able to connect with you?”

    “Connection,” she said quickly. “That’s the word. I want connection. I want vulnerability. I want to know what you are feeling, what you want out of life.” 

    “Okay,” I said. “Tell him what the perfect evening would look like. How would it feel? What exactly would happen?” 

    Jane launched into complaints about the way the evening typically unfolded, with Darren arriving home, turning on the television, or checking his emails. She noted how he busied himself with tasks needing his attention around the home. 

    “I’d still like you to tell him the perfect evening,” I said. 

    She shared the following: 

    “Okay. I’d like you to come in the door ready to relate with me. I’d like you to turn off your cell phone, sit down with me and the kids for a nice dinner and then help me get the kids to bed. Then, after the kids are down, I’d like us to sit and talk about our lives. I’d like us to dream together—where we want to go on vacation, whether we want to downsize our house, how involved we want to be in church, ways for us to develop more friends together. I want you to take an interest in me, asking me about my dreams and hopes. I want you to share those same things with me. I want us to share our feelings with each other.” 

    “Wow,” Darren said. “I don’t do feelings and I don’t do a lot of dreaming. I’m busy taking care of problems at work and at home.” 

    “Yes,” Jane said. “I know. But, I want us to be vulnerable with each other. That’s the way I really feel close to you. I want you to be as excited and interested in me as you are in your work.” 

    Having this conversation with me was a critical turning point for Darren and Jane and many others who find themselves drifting emotionally. While many couples spend time together, it is often filled with distraction, exhaustion, and tension. Marriage cannot thrive in such an atmosphere.

    Couples often drift apart. It rarely happens in an instance, but rather a slow disintegration over time. 

    In a display of vulnerability, much like what is needed in marriage, the Apostle Paul says these words to the church in Corinth: 

    “We have spoken freely to you, Corinthians; and opened wide our hearts to you. We are not withholding our affections from you, but you are withholding yours from us… open wide your hearts also.” (2 Corinthians 6: 11-13)

    Let’s discuss how this couple and others can work together on this critical issue of vulnerable communication: 

    First, be honest with each other about your current connection. While it may be painful, share with each other how you feel about your connection. Be honest. Discuss such topics of emotional connection, how you spend your time, whether you are having fun in your marriage and enjoying physical intimacy. Share personally and vulnerably.   

    Second, share with each other what real connection looks like to you. Don’t get stuck talking only about what is not happening in your marriage. Talk about what you’d like to see happen. Be specific, sharing exactly how you’d like to spend your time and what would make your marriage more exciting and connected. Take an active interest in your mate, rediscovering them again. What dreams do you have? What dreams would you like to have?  

    Third, make plans for developing intimacy, connection, and vulnerability. Intimacy and vulnerability will not simply happen. You must develop a plan for how this will occur. How will you create an atmosphere for closeness to develop? Don’t be impatient. If you have not experienced closeness for some time, cultivating closeness will take time and effort. Even small bits of time spent intentionally and focused on each other, can help in achieving closeness.  

    Fourth, enjoy your new connection. Notice what works and what doesn’t as you change your lifestyle. Notice how you feel as you spend time together. Be adventuresome. Try new experiences. Share openly and candidly with each other and enjoy each other’s company.  

    Finally, hold each other accountable for following through with your plan. Again, change won’t just happen. Be intentional as you spend more time with each other. Take special care to carve out moments of time even when blocks of time are not available. Do find blocks of time, however, when you can really enjoy each other’s company. 

    God designed us for relationship and you will feel neglected if you are not attending to this in your marriage. Marriage can also be a wonderful place where we reflect God to the world. Make rebuilding your marriage a priority. 

    Do you need to reconnect with your mate? If you would like further help, we are here for you. Please send responses to me at info@marriagerecoverycenter.com and also read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on our website and learn about our Personal and Marriage Intensives.  

    Photo courtesy: ©Unsplash/Osman Rana

    Publication date: January 10, 2017

    Dr. David B. Hawkins

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  • Should Christians Use Sarcasm?

    Should Christians Use Sarcasm?

    I come from a long line of family members who use sarcasm as a regular part of conversation. Most of the time, it’s not used with the intent to hurt anyone’s feelings or cut people down. Rather, it’s used as a form of humor or to point out the irony of a situation. But is it biblical? Should Christians use sarcasm?

    The Bible is clear about what types of talk should and shouldn’t come out of the believer’s mouth. If we look at Ephesians 4:29, it gives the instruction, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” Reading these words, it would make sense that sarcasm is not included in what is considered helpful for building others up.

    But what about the instances in the Bible where there seems to be an underlying sarcasm or satire in the tone of the speaker? Although the tone is not stated, there are passages throughout the Bible where the words speak for themselves. One of my favorites is Elijah when he taunts the prophets of Baal:

    “And at noon Elijah mocked them, saying, ‘Cry aloud, for he is a god. Either he is musing, or he is relieving himself, or he is on a journey, or perhaps he is asleep and must be awakened.’” 1 Kings 18:27 ESV

    I think it’s safe to say that Elijah does not believe these gods are actually using the bathroom or are on some journey. The verse states in black and white that he’s mocking the Baal worshippers. He can’t resist throwing these words out there, thus making a point about who the one true God is. Is this sarcasm? Or is it satire?

    While these two words used to have different meanings, they are now used almost interchangeably. In the past, satire was more often used in reference to plays and writings which expose human folly, which is what Elijah is doing here. He is exposing the fact that these prophets’ beliefs have no foundation in truth.

    When it comes to sarcasm, the intent of the Christian is key. 

    Here are five things to consider before using it:

    1. Are your words aimed to hurt others or be cruel?

    If the answer is yes, then it is better to be silent. Scripture is filled with reminders about the power of our words, and we can use this power for good or evil. While it is not a sin to become angry, our anger does become sinful when we act out of rage or with the intent to harm someone else. Our words can either point others toward Jesus or away from him, and when we’re mindful of this truth, we can impact generations of people in the best possible ways.

    “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.” Proverbs 18:21 ESV

    2. Are your words motivated by pride or an inflated ego?

    Sometimes we use sarcasm because of an inflated sense of self. We want to draw attention to the fact that we think we’re better than whatever shortcoming our sarcasm is aimed toward. This is another instance where it is better to either keep our mouths shut or reevaluate how to use our words. Although we may think we’re better than the establishment, rule, or deficiency we’re ridiculing, Paul gives clear instruction about how we are to view ourselves:

    “For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you.” Romans 12:3 NIV

    3. Is this means of communication effective for your audience?

    A few of the pastors of churches I attended over the years would occasionally use sarcasm in their sermons. When it was used, it was always with the same intent Elijah likely had when using it with the Baal worshippers: to expose human folly and or a tendency toward a certain sin. It was not with the intent to inflate themselves or make themselves look smarter than anyone else. They were well aware that they were as in need of grace as everyone else, and sarcasm was more a form of humor used to get a laugh from the congregation. Perhaps more importantly, it was effective at illustrating their point. Congregants responded and understood the intended meaning.

    There are several instances where Jesus used this type of communication as well. Often, it was directed toward the Pharisees or religious leaders who claimed to follow God, but their hearts were far from him. In one notable instance, they were ready to stone Jesus because he had just claimed to be equal with the Father. This was Jesus’ response:

    “Again his Jewish opponents picked up stones to stone him, 32 but Jesus said to them, “I have shown you many good works from the Father. For which of these do you stone me?” John 10:31-32 NIV

    4. What is your desired goal?

    Many times, the goal with sarcasm is simply to be funny. And often, it works. While there is nothing wrong with humor, we need to ask ourselves, “Is it at someone else’s expense?” 

    Other times, the goal may be to expose human error or our propensity toward sin. While there’s nothing wrong with this intention either, even in this case, we need to tread with caution. Sarcasm can easily become hurtful and demeaning, and the way we portray Christ matters. Often, others are watching us without our being aware of it. If they see us being sarcastic and demeaning all the time, they will likely not be drawn to a God who is both loving and merciful.

    Paul talks about the importance of the appeal we are making to others on Christ’s behalf, saying:

    “You show that you are a letter from Christ, the result of our ministry, written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts.” 2 Corinthians 3:3 NIV

    5. Are you pointing others toward truth?

    As we’ve discussed, the point of sarcasm is often to expose folly and point others toward truth. While some may argue that a better means of communicating could be used, it is effective nonetheless. Throughout scripture, we see men who followed God use sarcasm. It is not with the intent to be hateful but to point others toward truth.

    The bottom line with the use of sarcasm is this: Proceed with care. Most of the time, a more loving and effective means of communicating can be found. While it may be unrealistic to say that Christians should never use sarcasm, we do need to be mindful of how our speech affects others. If our goal is to be cruel, to inflate ourselves, or demean, we need to reevaluate. God is ready and willing to direct our speech when we seek his wisdom, and a better path may be on the other side of an honest request for guidance.

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/jacoblund

    Abby McDonald is a writing coach and the author of Shift: Changing Our Focus to See the Presence of God. Her mission is to empower women to seek God in the middle of life’s messes and to share their faith with courage. Abby writes regularly for Proverb 31 Ministries’ daily devotions team, and her work has been featured in numerous publications. You can connect with Abby on her website where you can grab a free worship playlist to help you shift your focus toward God. You can also connect with Abby on Instagram.

    Abby McDonald

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  • The 3 Different Types Of Red Flags In A Relationship

    The 3 Different Types Of Red Flags In A Relationship

    Let’s be clear: Any red flag is important to keep in mind and is worth having a conversation about. However, objective red flags are the ones that you should be the most mindful of, as these tend to be the most difficult to work through and may be indicative of a truly toxic relationship, Page notes.

    Relational and personal red flags, on the other hand, may be more flexible. If you truly love someone or see a potential future with them and you’re both willing to put in the work to tend to these red flags, then it’s worth a shot. 

    This is not to say that some objective red flags can’t be healed or worked through as well—every person and relationship is different—but these objective red flags must be actively addressed head-on for the relationship to survive.

    As trauma-informed relationship coach Julie Nguyen previously told mbg, “Toxic dynamics can be mended with conscious time, effort, and self-awareness. But both people need to be willing to change and accept responsibility to move forward.”

    Hannah Frye

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  • A Letter from Your Anxious Friend

    A Letter from Your Anxious Friend

    I am truly so happy for you. You get to live life with only the common fears and worries that come with reality being reality. You do not have to suffer through the irrational “what if’s” that loom constantly in the back of my mind. I know you still fight through worries and trials, but you seem to have a better grip on how to control your fear response than I do. And that genuinely makes me happy for you. 

    However, I ask that you stop viewing my anxiety as a flaw. I am not broken. I am not cracked. I am not fragile. I so appreciate your attempts to protect me and help me, but I am stronger than what you might think. You see, every day from dusk till dawn my brain is in fight-or-flight. At any moment I can offer you five different scenarios on how things could go drastically wrong. It takes a strong person to constantly inhabit this kind of space and thought. 

    There are days when I do ask that you be gentle and patient with me. I am not claiming to have perfect strength and resilience; I am only human. But I ask that you show the patience and understanding that you would a toddler learning about the world around her and how to take steps through it. With these precious humans, we are gentle and we are patient. However, we do not assume that they are weak only because they are learning. We do not comment to them about how we are already cushioning all of their life experiences because we don’t think that they can handle the hard times without us. We speak life into them. We encourage their steps, and we encourage their falls, and we never view their learning experiences as flaws. 

    Sometimes my fears and worries seem to overtake me. They seem this way because it is the truth. The thoughts seem to encompass all of the earth around me. But that does not mean I give in to them. Every day, I lean on Jesus a little more. And then, like a human, I stray away, thinking I have gained control over this “worry thing.” And then, the peaceful and loving arms of Jesus welcome me back when I find myself in tears on the bathroom floor. 

    I so appreciate your desire to help me and love me through hard times. I desire to be just as much of a rock and support system to you as well, friend. But sometimes all I need is for someone to listen to the fears and the worries and sit with me in the “what if’s.” I do not need you to try and tell me everything will be okay when it might not be. I just need you to gently support me through the battles of life, without looking at me in pity. 

    And yes, I take medicine in the morning to help me balance the chemicals in my brain that seem to run in fear. But no, the medicine is not a centrical part of who I am. It is simply an aid to who I know I am meant to be. Please do not assume that I am defined by a prescription. Taking a pill takes up 5 seconds of all 86,400 seconds in my day. While I have no problem sharing my story, especially to help others, I do not like to use my dear friend Sertraline as a crutch or an excuse. Therefore, I ask that you do not treat it as such as well. 

    I know this can seem both confusing and redundant. You are probably asking why I am saying that I can find myself overcome with fears, yet I am okay. I am telling you to be gentle, but no too gentle. But think of Jesus and His disciple, Thomas. When Jesus rose from the grave, Thomas was in disbelief. He claimed that he needed to see the scars of Jesus and even touch them in order to believe the Savior had truly risen again. 

    “A week later, the disciples were gathered in a house when Jesus appeared to them. He first offered them peace, and then told Thomas to put his hands on His side. Then, Jesus spoke, ‘Stop doubting and believe’” (John 21:24-29). 

    Jesus never told Thomas he was less of a disciple because he doubted. So please, do not tell me I am less of a faithful follower of Christ because of my doubts. As Jesus offered Thomas peace and comfort without looking at him in disdain, I ask you to do the same.

    I am not my anxiety. I am my own person with my own thoughts, feelings, and opinions. I do not revolve around my anxiety, though sometimes it seems to revolve around me. But please recognize the difference. I orbit around Jesus; my fears orbit around me. The neat thing about this solar pattern is that as I circle the Christ, I force my fears, doubts, and worries to do the same. When I bow at the feet of Jesus, my anxious thoughts have no choice but to bow with me. I look to you for comfort, yes, but not for wholeness or fixing. I know the Ultimate Healer already, and He is not intimidated or fearful of my thoughts. 

    I also ask that you never feel as though you cannot talk to me. Yes, I struggle with battles that I have said you might not understand. But I know that you struggle with wars I will never fight. I can offer you a unique perspective. Honestly, I have learned to harvest my anxious thoughts and turn them into a type of trouble-shooting defense tactic. So, if you need someone to walk through possibilities and scenarios, I’m your girl. 

    I write all of this in hopes that I do not seem ungrateful. Your support in any form means the world to me. And you are so brave for attempting to understand and navigate the complications of my thoughts. You are so kind for sitting in them with me while I try and figure them out. Because of all of this, I never want you to think that I do not love and appreciate both you and your efforts. 

    I write this instead to say that you do not have to tip-toe around me. You will not break me if you lean on me. In all actuality, you help me grow when you force me to walk through my fears and “what if’s” instead of shielding me from them. 

    My battle is anxiety. And you help me fight. Whatever your battle may be, I plan to stand in battle next to you as well. 

    So, this is both a thank you letter and a release form. Thank you for your friendship and for simply being you. And please release yourself from the responsibility of shielding me. Again, I won’t break, and I am not sick. You do not have to stand guard. Give me the space to be strong. 

    I love you, dear friend, and I thank God every day for you in this life. 

    Love, 

    Your Anxious Friend 

    Photo Credit: ©swn

    Olivia Lauren is a graduate student passionate about Scripture, particularly the Book of Romans showcasing God’s grace. Outside her studies, she enjoys teaching her dog new tricks and finding quicker ways to silence the smoke alarm after trying a new recipe. 

    Olivia Lauren

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  • Not All Soulmates End Up Together: It May Be A Soul Crossing

    Not All Soulmates End Up Together: It May Be A Soul Crossing

    Not all relationships are meant to be forever, including soulmates, and accepting this fact is the first step to making the most of a soul crossing. As therapist Dennis Nguyen, LCSW, previously told mindbodygreen, there will be more opportunities for different connections with different people in the future. “Life will continue on, and there are plenty of opportunities to date [and] maybe even date this right person when the time is right. Even if this opportunity passes, there will be more,” he says. 

    And according to both Nguyen and Richardson, rather than dwelling on the impermanence of this connection, focus instead on all it gave you. As Nguyen explains, “Maybe this person prompted you to take a serious look at where you’re going in life. That is valuable! The process may have been painful and potentially very necessary.”

    What matters most in any soul connection is recognizing how the relationship altered who you are at a core level: what it taught you, what it healed in you, and why you cherished it so much. Know that just because the timing wasn’t right, there was still a reason for this person being in your life, even if only for a short while.

    “You might think of this person fondly for the rest of your life or even consider them a spirit guide,” Richardson previously wrote for mindbodygreen, adding, “Soul crossings teach us not to judge the importance or depth of a soulmate by the length of the relationship.”

    Sarah Regan

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  • What Does the Bible Say about Remarriage?

    What Does the Bible Say about Remarriage?

    Adultery is a biblical ground for divorce and as such the person who has remained faithful in the marriage is free to remarry. I will point out that even though adultery is grounds for divorce, that does not automatically mean if there is adultery in the marriage that this is the step you should take. Remember God’s desire is for marriages to stay together. However, if the adultery is something you cannot work through, if you choose to divorce on those grounds, then you are free to remarry.

    3. Abuse

    If you are in an abusive relationship, you have every right to leave that marriage because those are legitimate grounds for divorce. Abuse is an abdication of marital responsibility, and you are not required to stay in that type of relationship. Should you divorce on these grounds it is absolutely okay to seek remarriage.

    4. Other Reasons

    There are a host of other reasons people get divorced, but we must be careful because divorce should only take place when there is a legitimate, Biblical reason. If there are no Biblical grounds for divorce, then remarriage should be off the table. Let me repeat what Paul said in 1 Corinthians.

    “To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife” (1 Corinthians 7:10-11).

    For these other situations, remarriage is not an option, but reconciliation is. This command is why we need to treat marriage seriously and not enter into it lightly.

    Is Remarriage after Divorce Adultery?

    Is it possible that if you remarry after divorce, you could be committing adultery? The answer is it depends on the reason why you got divorced. If your divorce is for Biblical reasons, then remarrying is not committing adultery.

    If it is not for Biblical reasons, then it is adultery because in God’s eyes that remarriage is illegitimate. It may be legal according to the laws of the land, but it is not sanctioned in God’s eyes. Because each situation is different, I want to be careful about making a blanket statement about an individual marriage. True wisdom would require you to consider each situation on a case-by-case basis so that an effective determination can be made.

    Photo credit: ©Getty Images/dragana991

    Clarence L. Haynes Jr.

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  • Best Dating Apps For Working Professionals Who Need Efficiency

    Best Dating Apps For Working Professionals Who Need Efficiency

    If you truly want to cut through the noise and quickly find matches, OkCupid is the app to be on. OkCupid is known for asking detailed questions and connecting people over shared values. Like most dating apps, you create a profile by uploading photos and answering a few questions. Where OkCupid stands out though, is the ability to prioritize values or interests, and filter out those that don’t align. For example, the app asks you “could you date someone who doesn’t vote?” and then allows you to rate the importance of this question from “a little” to “very.” 

    Once you’ve completed the questions, the algorithm gets to work and provides you with users who fit your preferences. The app even generates a “match score” for each user so you can immediately see how compatible you are with a given dater based on the questions you answered. Another unique aspect of OkCupid is that you don’t have to “match” with a user to send messages, you can chat with anyone.

    Speak of variety and detail, OkCupid was the first dating app to offer dozens of selections for sexual orientation and gender options, and you can even meet new friends on the app.

    This app is ideal if you don’t want to waste time Facetiming or going on dates with people only to slip questions about your dealbreakers into the conversation. OkCupid allows you to get your dealbreakers out of the way to see if a connection flourishes from there. Additionally, when you pay for a premium subscription, you’re able to see other uses who have already “Liked” you, send SuperLikes, and publicly see how matches answer questions. All of these features save even more of the little time you likely have for dating. 

    Success story: “When we met in person we clicked right away and our first date lasted 12 hours. We were able to talk, connect, and have a great time. I love her personality and that she can always make me laugh and smile.” Matt & Jillian

    Cost: OkCupid has tiered pricing. The first tier is free. Basic is $44.99 for one month, $23.33 for three months, and $14.99 for six months, and premium is $54.99 for one month, $28.33 for three months, and $22.49 for six months.

    Ella Dorval Hall

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  • How the Resurrection Power We Celebrate at Easter Impacts Our Marriage

    How the Resurrection Power We Celebrate at Easter Impacts Our Marriage

    He is risen. He is risen indeed!

    Easter celebrates the pinnacle of our Christian faith, the risen Christ. We owe a debt to God because of sin that we cannot pay. Jesus is sinless and perfect. Only He could take on the sin of the world and die in our place so that we could have access to God through His blood. But His death is not the end. It is the beginning. His resurrection concurred death! He is both Savior and Lord! He now reigns at the righthand of God. He sent His Holy Spirit to empower us to live victoriously, no longer as slaves to sin! If we believe in Jesus, our position changes, and our daily submission to Him and His Word transforms us into His likeness. That is why we celebrate Easter!

    Our conversion changes everything in our lives! The Holy Spirit changes what we value, our purpose for living, and our motives, which affects our actions, choices, and, ultimately, our relationships. Our faith permeates every facet of our lives. And one of the areas where the transformation in us will be visible is in the way we see and interact with our spouse.

    Soulmates

    I was on a plane seated next to a man in his mid-fifties. We began talking. He told me he was divorced and on his way to meet his girlfriend. They lived in different cities but met regularly at romantic destinations for the weekend. He said his marriage was dull, but his new relationship was exciting. I asked him if he planned to marry her, and he replied, “Probably not because that would squelch what we have.” Then he asked me if I was married. Honestly, I was not sure what to say after his story! But I briefly shared about the relationship my husband and I have, our commitment to Christ, and each other.

    He was quiet and then said, “You are lucky. You found your soul mate.”

    I kindly stated that I do not believe in soul mates. Based on Plato’s The Symposium, the myth says, “according to Greek mythology, humans were originally created with four arms, four legs, and a head with two faces. Fearing their power, Zeus split them into two separate parts, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves.” 1 So somewhere out there is the person, your other half, and if you find them, you will have an effortless, fulfilling relationship. He was essentially saying, your relationship is easy; mine was hard. If only I had met my soul mate, my life would be different.

    So, I found my courage and gently explained the foundation of a biblical worldview of marriage. That my husband and I were not just naturally compatible, floating souls who, now that we have found each other, are blissfully experiencing transcendent love and romance! On the contrary, we put tremendous effort into submitting ourselves to God through the Holy Spirit and loving each other as Christ first loved us.

    He, like many, believes this false idea that marriage should be easy and exciting or you’ve married the wrong person.

    We All Marry the Wrong Person

    If our goal is to marry someone who will make our life easy and fulfill all our needs, then we all marry the wrong person. No person can do that for another person. Many people caught up in our culture’s unrealistic romantic promise end up deeply disappointed by the limitations of their spouse. Ernest Becker calls it “apocalyptic romance.” It is when we make our spouse the source of what only God can give.

    In his excellent book, The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God, Timothy Keller expounds on author Ernest Becker’s claim.

    “At one time we expected marriage and family to provide love, support, and security. But for the meaning in life, hope for the future, moral compass, and self-identity we looked to God and the afterlife. Today, however, our culture has taught us to believe that no one can be sure of those things, not even whether they exist. Therefore, Becker argued, something has to fill the gap, and often that something is romantic love. We look to sex and romance to give us what we used to get from faith in God.” 2

    Romance has its place, but if it is the focus, our marriage will fall short of what God intended. Only God can fulfill our needs because only He is perfect. When our lives are properly aligned as God directed, we find hope and meaning in our relationship with Him. Then from that place of receiving from God, we are empowered to love and serve each other in our marriage.

    How does God empower us?

    He gives up His Spirit so we can live as Scripture outlines. And Jesus’s life is our example.

    Lessons From Easter

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/andreswd

    Choosing to Serve

    Luke 22:27 “For who is greater, the one who reclines at the table or the one who serves? Is it not the one who reclines at the table? But I am among you as the one who serves.”

    During The Last Supper, the disciples argue over who is most important. It is so easy to read about them and shake our heads at their self-centeredness. Yet, in our marriages, do we not do this as well? Do we not compare our responsibilities and contributions with our spouses? Do we not plead our case for why we should be honored and/or served? “I make the most money.” “I took this job so you could advance your career.” “I do all the work around the house.”

    Jesus contrasts how the world uses their positions of power and authority at the expense of others with how we are to use them in the kingdom of God. In Jesus’ example, he is reclining at the table, so he is greater. But he has chosen the position of servant. He lays down his life. He doesn’t rely on His deity and equality with God but takes on the form of a servant. (Phil 2:1-8)

    Like Christ, we must not look out for our self-interest or be consumed with our self-importance, but choose to serve.

    Persevering in Our Marriage

    Luke 22: 42, “[Jesus] saying, Father, if You are willing, remove this cup from Me; yet not My will but Yours be done.”

    Jesus knows what death on the cross will cost Him. He asks God if there is another way. Haven’t we all felt that? In any trial or struggle, haven’t we prayed for God to just miraculously remove the circumstance or fix the problem painlessly?

    When facing a difficulty, we need to run to God first. We, too, can ask for Him to intervene. But notice when the circumstance is not changed according to His prayer, Jesus aligns himself with God’s will and walks through the trial.

    This is an intense situation with Jesus asking God to remove His cup. He is sweating blood because of what God’s will would mean for him. I am not in any way saying stay in an abusive, unsafe relationship or one with a pattern of sexual immorality, drug addiction, etc. In those cases, get help, and if it is unsafe, leave. Instead, I am pointing to the principle of submitting to God during a trial, laying down our selfishness, and doing the hard work of growing where submitting to the Holy Spirit can change us and our situation.

    In 2002 a marriage study of 10,000 couples rated the couple’s happiness twice, five years apart. The results showed that two-thirds of the unhappy couples staying together were happy five years later. In, Does Divorce Make People Happy? Findings From a Study of Unhappy Marriage, Sociologist Linda Waite studied what changed these unhappy marriages to happier ones. She quoted comments such as,

    ‘Mostly, we just kept putting one foot in front of the other, and things began to get better.”

    “I mellowed…I adjusted more than he changed.”

    Some couples reported getting input and advice from friends, family, or counselors. Others noted that the circumstances that were making them unhappy were resolved.

    Sometimes we are focused on one or two pain points, and it blinds us from the bigger picture and the other many good things that are happening. The study reminds us that through persevering, God can use trials to temper us (James 1:2-4) and produce good. (Romans 8:28)

    Vision for Your Marriage

    Hebrews 12:2 “Fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross….”

    God’s perspective expands to an eternal focus. Jesus knew what was ahead. He knew his suffering, death, and resurrection were for a purpose far beyond the momentary pain and loss. He knew that everything he experienced helped to further God’s ultimate plan and would deeply affect humanity.

    Likewise, our marriages benefit society. Why Marriage Matters, Second Edition: Twenty-Six Conclusions From Social Science, points out that marriage deeply affects children by reducing social risks in that they are 3x less likely to drop out of school, 12x less likely to be incarcerated, and it protects them against living in poverty. The poverty rate for single parents with children at the time of the survey was 36.5%, whereas it was 6.4% for married parents with children, regardless of racial or ethnic background. Marriage is associated with better physical and mental health for men, women, and children. Many other studies also demonstrate the tremendous value to the broader culture strong marriages and families bring.

    We need the Lord’s help daily to see our lives, including our marriages, from His eternal perspective.

    The Blood of Jesus

    Romans 4:7 “Blessed are those whose lawless deeds are forgiven, and whose sins are covered.”

    1 Peter 4:8 Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins.

    The blood of Jesus covers us. It cleanses us from sin. (1 John 1:7) It justifies believers (Romans 5:8) and reconciles us to God. (Col 1:20)

    If you are married, I am sure you have had to forgive your spouse 70 x7 and be forgiven that many times as well! (Matt 18:22) God’s resurrection power at work in us empowers us to do that. It enables us to be patient, kind, not rude or self-seeking, and to keep no record of wrong. (1 Corinthians 13) “Love covering sin does not mean we disregard our own emotions or ignore personal boundaries. We cannot ‘cover’ sin by denying that it hurt us. We cover sin by acknowledging it and then extending the forgiveness God has given us to others.” 3

    This year as you celebrate Easter, thank God for His incredible gift of salvation. Ask for the hope of the resurrection to fill your heart and commit to extending that grace in your marriage and beyond. Resurrection power released the Holy Spirit, who now makes it possible for us to live the way we were created to live.

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/Studio4

    Cited Works

    • Keller, Timothy, and Kathy Keller. The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God. Penguin Books, 2016.
    • GotQuestions.org. “Home.” GotQuestions.org, 24 Feb. 2016, https://www.gotquestions.org/love-covers-multitude-sins.html.
    • Exarchopoulos, Socrates. “The Greek Myth of Soulmates, When Human Became Humans.” GHD, GHD, 23 Nov. 2020, https://www.greecehighdefinition.com/blog/the-greek-myth-of-soulmates.

    Erin A. Barry is an author, speaker, counselor, and educational consultant. With a bachelor’s degree in education and an NCCA master’s of arts in clinical Christian counseling, Erin has an advanced certification in sexual therapy and is working on her doctorate in Christian counseling. She is the author of, Yes, You Can Homeschool! The Terrified Parent’s Companion To Homeschool Success. She and her husband, Brett, are founders of The Home Educated Mind, a Christ-centered community dedicated to providing materials and support for Christian parents.

    Erin A. Barry

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  • Why Do I Need Close Friends?

    Why Do I Need Close Friends?

    Jesus said to His disciples, “No longer said do I call you servants, but I have called you friends” (John 15:15).

    Before Jesus went to Jerusalem to die, he stopped along the way to see his good friends, Mary, Martha, and Lazarus.

    Jesus had the Twelve disciples (well, eleven anyway), and three of these were His intimate friends.

    Jesus shared His glory with Peter, James, and John on the Mount of Transfiguration. He wanted his three best friends to experience the joyous shining of His glory with Him. He didn’t want to experience His transfiguration alone.

    Jesus was struggling in the Garden the night before the crucifixion. He pleaded with His disciples to watch and pray for Him. He needed his close friends to provide encouragement and comfort.

    Unfortunately, in that case, they did not measure up to the task. That happens sometimes.

    Every Christian needs close friends to walk with through life.

    2. We live in a lonely culture. Everyone could use some friends.

    I was sitting in the Tulsa airport when the man next to me began talking about friends.

    He shared that he didn’t have any. In fact, he told me that recently his wife said to him, “You need some friends.”

    “So, I went out and bought a dog. You know, dogs are a man’s best friend!”

    Is that sad or what?

    Don’t get me wrong; dogs can be wonderful companions. My daughter, Brianna, says that God must have created dogs right before Eve, because they love well, respond to emotion, and show loyalty.

    But don’t miss this. Even in the Garden of Eden, even with the Creator as his companion, God looked at Adam’s loneliness and said, “It is not good for man to be alone; I will make a helper fit for him.” So, he created Eve.

    God created us to live in relationship with one another.

    3. Our world is filled with people who outwardly look content but inwardly are crying out for someone to love them.

    Many are confused, lonely, frustrated, frightened, guilty, and unable to communicate, even with their own families.

    Other people look so happy and contented that we seldom have the courage to admit our own deep needs.

    Don’t be fooled. If only these people who seem so happy and contented would just take off their masks, we would often see that they are in as much pain as we are—perhaps even more.

    Dr. Roger Barrier

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