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  • 5 Reasons It’s Important to Know Your Spouse’s Love Language

    5 Reasons It’s Important to Know Your Spouse’s Love Language

    In the book The Five Love Languages, author Gary Chapman helps readers understand their spouses better by revealing the five ways in which they give and receive love: quality time, access service, gifts, words of affirmation, and physical touch. The longer a couple has been married, the more difficult it can be to express love and intimacy to each other. It is important to know your spouse’s love language and express it often. If you have difficulty identifying which love language your spouse needs most, understand that your spouse gives love the way they like to receive love. 

    Here are five reasons it’s important to know your spouse’s love language: 

    1. It Increases the Bond of Intimacy

    The marriage relationship is perhaps one of the most intimate relationships we can have. When we love others deeply, more than likely they will love us deeply as well. The love we receive meets those deep emotional needs for connection and intimacy we were created to have here on earth. Giving and receiving love in a deep way increases communication which, in turn, strengthens the bond of intimacy created between a loving couple. 

    2. It Is Your Duty to Love Your Spouse

    Ephesians 5:22-28 is perhaps one of the most commonly quoted passages to marriage, but it does serve as a blueprint for the way husbands and wives should treat each other: “Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word,  and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.  In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.” 

    We are not instructed to love others the way we want to be loved but rather loving others with no strings attached. That is the unconditional love God gives to us, and he wants us to give that to our spouses. By speaking their love language, your spouse will understand that you make your marriage a priority and want to do the work it takes to establish a long, healthy relationship. 

    3. It Honors Your Commitment to God

    Whether you took your marriage vows on the beach, in someone’s backyard, or a church, you made those vows before God. God created the marriage as a covenant between two loving people so they may enjoy a glimpse of the love we will share with God when we get to heaven. Whether you chose to take traditional vows or write your own, part of the commitment you make on your wedding day is to love, honor, and cherish your spouse ‘till death do you part. This does not mean you get to stop loving your spouse the minute they don’t give you the love you feel you need. When you honor your marriage by speaking your spouse’s level language, you demonstrate your honor toward God and the commitment you made as well. This gives God glory and shows the world what it will be like when Jesus returns for his church.

    4. It Makes Them Feel Seen and Known

    One of our deepest needs as human beings is to be seen and known by God and others. Nothing shows a spouse that you see and know them deeper than anyone else’s by expressing love in their love language. Expressing love in a language they can understand helps them best appreciate and receive the love you give. If you speak in a love language that doesn’t affect them, it will not meet their deep emotional needs. Giving a back rub when your spouse is in pain without being asked is a great way to show physical touch to your spouse and meet their physical needs for comfort as a result.

    One of the reasons God reserved sex for the marriage relationship is because when love is shown in a deep way, it creates a bond between two people that is difficult to break. Mental images surrounding the experience will stay with that couple even if the relationship has resolved. Marriage was designed for two people to be fully known and allow a trusted partner to see and know everything about them, even their weaknesses, flaws, and imperfections. That is not something to reveal to just anyone. Marriage allows two people to be fully who they are (warts and all) to each other. A good marriage provides a safe environment where both people can express themselves in every way without fear of judgment or condemnation. This is how people want to be seen and known by all, yet they must discern to whom they can reveal the most intimate parts of themselves. That revelation should be reserved for the marriage covenant only. By speaking their love language, you demonstrate you understand your spouse fully and that you are a trusted partner who knows them and accepts them and loves them in a way unique to them. 

    5. It Is a Tangible Example of Your (and God’s) Love for Them

    It’s easy to say, “I love you,” but words not backed up with actions can be difficult to believe. It is the same in our spiritual lives. Although we are saved by grace, and there’s nothing we can do to earn that grace, Scripture also says that “faith without works is dead” (James 2:26). If we love God, we will demonstrate that love both to others and ourselves to show our belief in love for him and honor him in the ways he intended.

    It is the same in our marriages. We say we will love, honor, and cherish our spouses, but if we don’t demonstrate tangible examples of that love, how easy will it be for this spouse to believe otherwise? If your spouse is someone who loves words of affirmation, make a point to send a text or write a note once a week letting them know you love them. Highlight their good qualities and things that made you fall in love with them. If your spouse loves acts of service, make a to-do list of all the home improvements or repairs you need to make. Tackle one task a week and be sure to complete it. If your spouse loves quality time, seek to plan at least one date night a month or designate quality time without screens or technology once a week in your home. Invest in your marriage by spending quality time cultivating a loving relationship between you and your spouse. Save money each week until you can buy that perfect gift for your spouse. If they are a person who loves gifts, they will love the thoughtfulness you put into the gift (and we’ll love they don’t have to pay for it either). If they love physical touch, make a point to rub their back, hold her hand, or brush their hair at night to soothe them before they go to bed. This is a great way to establish a relaxing bedtime routine and demonstrate love through physical touch.  

    In the same way, we are called to demonstrate our belief in God in tangible ways. We are to demonstrate our love for our spouses in tangible ways by communicating with them in their love language. By understanding them better, you will be able to give love in a way that meets their deepest emotional needs, and in return, they will do the same.

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/Sam Edwards

    Michelle S. Lazurek is a multi-genre award-winning author, speaker, pastor’s wife, and mother. She is a literary agent for Wordwise Media Services and a certified writing coach. Her new children’s book Who God Wants Me to Be encourages girls to discover God’s plan for their careers. When not working, she enjoys sipping a Starbucks latte, collecting 80s memorabilia, and spending time with her family and her crazy dog. For more info, please visit her website www.michellelazurek.com.

    Michelle S. Lazurek

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  • 4 Ways to Bless Your Friend This Valentine’s Day

    4 Ways to Bless Your Friend This Valentine’s Day

    “Sweet friendships refresh the soul and awaken our hearts with joy, for good friends are like anointing oil that yields the fragrant incense of God’s presence.” Proverbs 27:9 (TPT)

    I am a mountains girl. However, being born and raised and still residing in Texas, I don’t get the luxury of stepping outside and being greeted by their majestic beauty. Thankfully, when the mountains are calling, we do our best to pack up the entire family (including the dog) and make the 15-hour trek to answer the call. Even though it’s only about once a year, it’s absolutely blissful.

    My closest friends know of my deep love for the mountains. They know that it’s my happy place. Which is why last Valentine’s Day was so special. We made a pack to go on a girls’ trip to the mountains. But those plans quickly changed after losing my sweet momma unexpectedly in the spring.

    In the midst of my grief, one of my sweet friends gave me a gift that touched my heart and blessed me beyond words. Before she gave it to me, she said, “I know how much you love the mountains. But… I also know how much you love coffee, so take this and go meet God on your porch swing, for now, until we go on that girls’ trip.” It was a coffee mug wrapped in a beautiful landscape of the mountains. My sweet friend’s thoughtful gift has given me peace and comfort on countless mornings. 

    As Valentine’s Day quickly closes in and we scurry around searching for ways to make everyone feel special and loved, let’s be mindful of those sweet friendships in our lives that are such a blessing to us. That friend who always checks in on you. That friend who can always conjure up a smile (or giggle) no matter what the situation. That friend who forces you out of your comfort zone to grow you and hold you accountable. That friend who makes you a better wife, mom, sister, and all the other roles you carry. 

    These are the sweet friends that awake our hearts with joy, and spending time with them is a gift in and of itself. Let’s bless them this Valentine’s Day with simple acts of kindness. Need some ideas? Here are four simply sweet ways to do just that:

    Pray for Her

    Is there anything sweeter than the gift of a prayerful friend? One of the most powerful ways we can bless our friends is by praying for them. Whether they are facing a challenging time, walking into a new season, or having to make big decisions, our prayers are priceless! Prayer connects us in a deep way as we show our vulnerability and take our hearts earnestly to the Father. 

    Here are four ways you can pray and lift up your precious friends:

    Pray for Her to Have Peace

    “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7

    Father, I pray you grant my friend peace. Lead and guide her to Your will and Your way. Help her place her trust in You. Amen.

    Pray for Her to Seek Wisdom

    “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” James 1:5

    Lord, I lift up my friend to You. Please grant her wisdom and discernment. Help her seek You and find direction in Your precious Word. Let her tuck it in her heart. Amen.

    Pray for Her to Cling to Hope

    “But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” Isaiah 40:31

    God, You know the hopes and dreams of my dear friend. You plant them in her heart. Please help her set her eyes on You and pursue the dreams You lay before her. Amen.

    Pray for Her Healing

    “Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am faint; heal me, Lord, for my bones are in agony.” Psalm 6:2

    Gracious God, my friend is in need of healing. You know her intimately and exactly what ales her. I ask that You bring forth healing if it is Your will and reveal how I can help her in this time of need. Amen.

    Serve Her and Her Family

    “We will all face troubles in this life and walk through difficult seasons, maybe even some that are just too much to bear. This is when we as a body of believers can come alongside one another in love and service.” (Galatians 6:2)

    After my mom passed, the outpour of love truly touched my heart. It allowed me to remind myself to keep breathing because many days, I was overcome by such sorrow I found that I couldn’t catch my breath. A close friend then gently told me that anxiety can be a part of grief. Her friendship helped me navigate one of the darkest times of my life. She sent me encouraging notes, offered to help with the children, and gave hugs whenever I needed them. She was such a blessing.

    If you have a sweet friend walking through some murky waters, reach out and touch base with her. Let her know she isn’t doing this alone.

    Bend an Ear

    Attentive listening seems to be a foreign concept these days. We have so many distractions and noises around us at any given point that our attention span has shriveled up to mere nanoseconds. At least, it appears to be that way. I, for one, can tell you I have a very hard time focusing when there is a lot of noise. 

    But, when someone actually takes the time to tune all the noise out and really listen – it’s noticed! And what a blessing it is! 

    When you get together with your sweet friends, be sure to bend your ear and actually tune in to what they are saying. Be intentional by placing your phone on silent or putting it away. Give her time to talk so she feels heard and validated. As difficult as it may be, try not to formulate your response (bite your tongue if you have to) and just be present. 

    Present thoughtful questions and be genuine in your approach by asking how you can provide support and prayer while offering encouragement. A friend that takes the time to listen, and truly listen, will be the one that has your back in all kinds of situations. Treasure those friends!

    Give a Thoughtful Gift

    Are you a gift giver? My sister’s love language is gifts, and I can attest to it in saying that she might quite possibly be the best “gift giver” there is. Anyone who knows her would say the same. She makes it not just about the gift but about the entire presentation. She goes a little crazy for Christmas and birthdays and even hosts a Galentine’s party with crafts for her friends to take home.

    Maybe you enjoy giving and receiving gifts as well. If you have a friend who feels loved when you get her a gift, be sincere and think about what would really make her day, such as the coffee mug my sweet friend gave to me. It really is the thought behind the gift that matters to her. 

    While I am not nearly as good at giving gifts as my sister, I do love when I find a gift and it immediately makes me think of a dear friend. It’s also fun to watch them light up when they receive it. It truly blesses us both! 

    Well, there you have it, my friend. Go and bless your sweet friends. Shower them in love, and may you receive their blessings of love as well. Happy Valentine’s Day!

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/Simon Lehmann

    Alicia Searl is a devotional author, blogger, and speaker that is passionate about pouring out her heart and pointing ladies of all ages back to Jesus. She has an education background and master’s in literacy.  Her favorite people call her Mom, which is why much of her time is spent cheering them on at a softball game or dance class. She is married to her heartthrob (a tall, spiky-haired blond) who can whip up a mean latte. She sips that goodness while writing her heart on a page while her puppy licks her feet. Visit her website at aliciasearl.com and connect with her on Instagram and Facebook.

    Alicia Searl

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  • 3 Scriptures about Faithfulness to Inspire Your Marriage

    3 Scriptures about Faithfulness to Inspire Your Marriage

    The vows we make to one another on our wedding day is a promise to be faithful to one another.

    We declare to each other and in front of our loved ones that we are in. We are there for the good, the bad, and the ugly.

    We are each other’s people for life! It is such a beautiful and powerful pledge of commitment that we make to one another.

    The covenant of marriage that God honors and desires us to remain faithful to whenever possible. Matthew 19:6 says it this way, “So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”

    God desires those heartfelt and optimistic words we declare at the start of our marriage to remain true over the course of the life we spend with our partners.

    God also knows this is not an easy task! Choosing to love the same person over years of new responsibilities, needs, interests, wishes, struggles, pains, and joys requires more than we have to give on our own strength.

    We need Jesus to be able to faithfully love each other well. Let’s explore what God’s word says about remaining faithful to our marriage and some practical ways we can live this out in our daily lives together.

    Here are 3 Scriptures about faithfulness:

    “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things, there is no law.”

    God’s Spirit alive in us looks like living a life marked by the fruits of the Spirit. This is the evidence that we are followers of Jesus.

    These are the things that set us apart from the world around us. That evidence includes being faithful to our relationships, commitments, believes, to God, and to our marriages.

    “No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation, he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.”

    We don’t have to be faithful through our own strength. God knows that we will be tempted, that life is filled with hardship, and that darkness seeks to entice us with the lie of forbidden pleasure. God encourages us but reminding us that HE IS FAITHFUL.

    We can overcome the temptations that are common to this world because God’s power is at work in our lives. He gives us the strength we need to remain faithful to our commitments. 

    “A faithful man will abound with blessings, but whoever hastens to be rich will not go unpunished.”

    Our faithfulness to living a righteous and committed life does not go unnoticed by God. He promises that our efforts will be blessed.

    God is pleased when we choose to be faithful in our marriages.

    How Can We Be Faithful to Our Spouses?

    Remaining faithful to our spouses requires more of us than just not having an extramarital relationship. It requires us to be present, engaged, loving, committed, and willing to forgive over and over again.

    What does that look like in practical terms? Here are some ideas for you.

    1. Be Honest with One Another

    Honesty creates security in your relationship.

    A few years back my husband and I went through about a year of counseling together and the first question our counselor asked was if we had been honest with each other. He wanted to know if we had any major breaks of trust in our past or present.

    Thankfully, we could answer this question with a yes and our counselor confidently said that we could get through our struggles. As long as we had trust we could rectify the other broken parts of our marriage.

    Research has found that the number one issue that came up for married couples was trust and betrayal.

    Honesty ensures that we are living in a true shared reality with one another. We have to be open in our communications with one another not to just avoid major betrayals but also so we are not blindsided by smaller ways that we fail to share our truths with one another.

    Even things such a lack of clarity on how much one of you enjoys a certain activity or concealed concerns about the other party can feel like a betrayal if they’re not’ openly shared.

    2. Keep Each Other a Priority

    This advice feels so obvious but if we are honest it is not at all easy to live out! When life gets rolling along the easiest thing to put on the back-burner of your priority list is your spouse.

    I cannot tell you how many conversations I have had with friends lamenting how long it has been since they have had a proper date night with their spouse.

    Work, kids (especially the kids), not wanting to bother others by asking if they can babysit, and general busyness as reasons date night has been on hiatus.

    Allowing uninterrupted time with your spouse to fall to the wayside is dangerous to your marriage.

    his is what it looks like in my house: My husband and I are getting along well but then several weeks pass without us having time alone to relax without the kids. All of a sudden I start doubting that he cares about me, I feel extra stressed because I haven’t had a “grown-up break” from parenting and my other responsibilities, my husband sees my exasperation as a complaint against him, and then by week 2 or 3 some tiny kindling lights the fire to a big argument.

    Every person needs affirmation, connection, kindness, and love. The only way we can consistently give and receive these things in our marriages is if we make loving one another well a priority.

    3. Be Ready and Willing to Forgive One Another

    Matthew 18:21-22 says, “Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven. 

    Marriage is the place we get to be tested on the ability to live out this scripture in our own lives!

    Offering undeserved forgiveness is something we have to be willing to daily offer to our spouses… and I know from years of experience that it is not easy to extend!

    We have to be willing to forgive not just for the major mess-ups but what may be even harder for us is forgiving each other for the tiny mistakes we make. Like forgiving your spouse when he forgets you have plans together on the calendar or when they forget something you desperately needed from the store.

    When we start holding onto secret grudges against our spouse, walls starting going up in our marriage. All of a sudden tiny things become big things because you aren’t just frustrated about the fact today they forgot to help with the dishes, you are mad because every time they have forgotten to help clean up over the last 15 years.

    Dishwashing can even become a reason to separate yourself emotionally from your spouse.

    When we say that out loud… I can’t stay faithful to my spouse because they didn’t do the dishes… it sounds crazy!

    But if we are honest how much of the struggle we feel in our marriage is about big stuff and how much is over tiny failures we’ve secretly logged in our mental “book of grievances” against our spouses? We have to forgive over and over and over again in order to stay faithful to the vows we made to our spouses at the very beginning of our journey together. 

    Marriage is a living thing. It requires that we tend to it, water it, feed it, nurture it, protect it from the elements of this world, and it only takes a short period of neglect for decay to become apparent to us. 

    If we desire to be faithful to one another, then we have to make a daily choice to pour into our relationship. We have to create routines that communicate love, consideration, and make space for us to connect with each other.

    Being faithful to one another is a daily task but thankfully God promises to give us the strength we need to help our marriages thrive. 

    Photo Credit: ©Unsplash/Jon Asato

    Amanda Idleman is a writer whose passion is to encourage others to live joyfully. She writes devotions for My Daily Bible Verse Devotional and Podcast, Crosswalk Couples Devotional, the Daily Devotional App, she has work published with Her View from Home, on the MOPS Blog, and is a regular contributor for Crosswalk.com. You can find out more about Amanda on her Facebook Page or follow her on Instagram.

    Amanda Idleman

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  • Family Tell-All Books: Justifiable or Dishonoring?

    Family Tell-All Books: Justifiable or Dishonoring?

    With the United Kingdom’s wayward Prince Harry’s new tell-all book, Spare, behind-the-scenes personal family interactions, relationships, and secrets are revealed. 

    As well, Jinger Duggar Vuolo, of a highly popular and beloved Conservative Christian reality TV show with her family, 19 Kids and Counting, has a soon-to-be-released book Becoming Free Indeed, promising readers an expose and critique of her life behind the cameras.

    So why are individuals writing tell-all books? What’s in it for them? Are they just trying to tell their stories? Are they hoping to set things straight? Are they looking to encourage their families to face issues, seek help, and be reconciled? 

    Tell-all books prove to be very lucrative, especially for high-profile people. So what is the true motivation behind writing books that expose one’s family to public ridicule? Why are individuals writing them? Are there financial gains to be made in revealing personal family details?

    For publishers, bringing in big revenue is the driving force behind tell-alls, especially with high-profile families. It may also be the reason behind some authors’ willingness to write one.

    So before becoming one of the millions of readers rushing to read the newest tell-all books, the following are a few things to consider before picking one up and diving into it:

    Whose Story Is It Anyways?

    So is it okay for an individual to write a tell-all? After all, it is their story, right? Or are they really telling other people’s stories without their consent? Which way is it? 

    Understandably individuals have the freedom to share their own story, experiences, and journey in life, but where does one’s story cross a line to where it’s more about exposing someone else’s stories? 

    Do people have the freedom, right, or even the responsibility to expose their family’s frailties and faults to the world? What does Scripture say about uncovering family flaws? Is it justifiable, or is it dishonorable?

    Proverbs 17:9 describes how “Whoever would foster love covers over an offense, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.”

    Exposes usually reveal personal and hidden details about people, so it’s good to seriously consider Matthew 7:3‘s caution, “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?” 

    Still, some justify exposing the sins of family members, noting how God writes and exposes many individuals’ sins in the Bible. But they’re not God.

    What Does It Mean to Honor Our Father and Our Mother?

    Many tell-all books aim at exposing the sins of the mothers and fathers, but the Bible clearly commands children to honor their fathers and mothers (Exodus 20:12).

    Ephesians 6:2-3 explains how it’s not just an encouragement from God to honor parents but much more. It’s a command that comes with a promise: “Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.”

    It’s one repeated throughout Holy Scriptures, too, and a command God takes very seriously. In fact, ignoring it comes with a pretty harsh consequence. Matthew 15:4 explains, “For God said, ‘Honor your father and mother’ and ‘Anyone who curses their father or mother is to be put to death.’” 

    Sadly we see over and over again family members rising up and pitting themselves against each other. “For a son dishonors his father, a daughter rises up against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law—a man’s enemies are the members of his own household” (Micah 7:6).

    So is it okay to expose a parent’s weaknesses, sins, and secrets to the world? Does God call us to be respectful of how we speak and write about them?

    Tell-All or Family Feud?

    Often, tell-all books come across as payback or getting-even books, often bringing public disgrace, openly airing grievances, pitting family members against each other, and tearing families apart.  

    However, God clearly instructs us to refrain from settling scores in our lives. He urges us to trust Him to bring justice on our behalf. “Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord” (Romans 12:19).

    Likewise, James 4:11-12 strongly cautions, “Brothers and sisters, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against a brother or sister or judges them speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you—who are you to judge your neighbor?”

    Often, believers don’t think God’s directives apply when dealing with their immediate family, but His instructions apply to parents, siblings, and other family members, too.

    Does God Know and Care?

    Proverbs 15:3 assures us, “The eyes of the Lord are everywhere, keeping watch on the wicked and the good.”

    People don’t have to expose and reveal their family’s mistakes, errors, and sinful actions to the world because Jesus assured us, “For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open” (Luke 8:17).

    Even if it seems like it at times, no one on earth is getting away with anything. They can trust what God’s Word tells us. Everyone, including family members, will be held accountable for their words and actions. Jesus reminds us in Matthew 12:36, “But I tell you that everyone will have to give account on the day of judgment for every empty word they have spoken.” 

    As well, we are reminded that “We must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each of us may receive what is due us for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad” (2 Corinthians 5:10).

    Are there Tell-All Consequences?

    Ephesians 4:29 urges, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”

    Do tell-alls benefit and build up others? Unfortunately, their pages are often full of gossip, which Proverbs 11:13 explains, “A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy person keeps a secret.”

    Especially as Christians, we want to refer to Scripture in what we say and write about others, especially our parents and family members. As Leviticus 19:16 urges, “Do not go about spreading slander among your people. Do not do anything that endangers your neighbor’s life. I am the Lord.”

    As God points out, exposing the sins of others has the potential to endanger their lives. Exposing others’ failures to the world comes with consequences both for the ones who are exposed and the ones who expose.

    Likewise, Proverbs 13:3 clarifies the effect that speaking carelessly of others has on those who practice it: “Those who guard their lips preserve their lives, but those who speak rashly will come to ruin.”

    What individuals say about others has the potential to bring destruction to their own lives, too. When speaking of others, 1 Corinthians 16:14 urges a simple motivation, “Do everything in love.”

    Photo Credit: ©Pexels/Negative Space

    Lynette Kittle is married with four daughters. She enjoys writing about faith, marriage, parenting, relationships, and life. Her writing has been published by Focus on the Family, Decision, Today’s Christian Woman, kirkcameron.com, Ungrind.org, StartMarriageRight.com, and more. She has a M.A. in Communication from Regent University and serves as associate producer for Soul Check TV.

    Lynette Kittle

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  • 3 Reasons to Value Your Adult Siblings

    3 Reasons to Value Your Adult Siblings

    As an adult with two older adult siblings, I am familiar with valuing your adult siblings. We are often told the importance of respecting or getting along with our siblings as children and teens, but not much is spoken of valuing your adult siblings. If anything, we need to continue to value our siblings into adulthood and support them to the best of our abilities. 

    Here are three specific reasons to value your adult siblings:

    1. Love

    The first reason to value your adult siblings is because of love. Even though years have come and gone, the love we have for our siblings will remain. We all have been hurt by our siblings in various ways, but we still love them. Although we may not like them at times, we always love them. This is because love is a choice. It is not based on a feeling, but rather, it is an intentional decision we make every day.

    Despite the fact our siblings may be adults doesn’t mean they have everything figured out, and it doesn’t mean they don’t need help. We can extend the love we have for our adult siblings by being there for them and being supportive. This will ensure they feel valued and cared about. Even though your siblings have become adults doesn’t mean the love you have for them has diminished. It is true that your siblings may have hurt you, but it doesn’t mean you don’t value them anymore. In fact, they may feel as though you don’t value them anymore if you don’t extend love, support, or care toward them. 

    Love is one of the strongest bonds we can have with one another. It is mighty and is an exact representation of God’s being (1 John 4:8). When we choose to love and value our siblings, we are being God’s light to the world. It’s hard to say that our siblings have never hurt us because that would be an impossible statement to make. A true statement that we can make is despite the pain and hurt our siblings may have given us as children, teens, or even as adults, we still love them. By loving them, we are truly valuing our adult siblings. The Lord gives us the command to love all people just as He loves us (John 15:12). 

    2. The Past

    A second reason to value your adult siblings is because of the past. While I understand not all of us were supported and loved in the past by siblings, there is a high chance that you had a strong bond with your sibling at some point. For my siblings and I, we have all gone through the death of our family dog and our mother together. We were all together at these points in history, thus, we share that same pain. Although many of our friends may never understand our pain, we know that we, as sisters, can share that same pain. The past is often what connects us, and it can cause us to value others. 

    We should never stop valuing our adult siblings because, at the end of the day, they are still our siblings. The past that we share with them is deeply interwoven into our hearts and minds. Since we spent a great deal of our past with our siblings, we need to keep valuing them even into adulthood. Maybe your siblings have not made the best decisions, but you still need to value them because of the past you share and the love you have for them. Even amidst the pain and hurt, we can still value our adult siblings regardless of the past. 

    3. They Are Made in God’s Image

    A third reason to value your adult siblings is because they are made in God’s image. Every single person is created in God’s image (Genesis 1:27). This includes your siblings. Maybe you are reading this and you are holding onto a great deal of pain because of your siblings. My heart goes out to you because I understand how you feel. It is not an easy feeling to have nor is it a feeling that simply can be waved away. This is a hard teaching of the Bible because Jesus does command us to love all people even if they are not kind to us (Luke 6:27-36).

    Sadly, our siblings can often be the most vicious people to us. We may extend support and help, but they might deny our help and put us down. Even if our siblings have done this or continue to do this, we still need to value them. Similar to everyone else, our adult siblings are made in the image of God. Since everyone is made in the image of God, we need to value our adult siblings. We should want the best for them and help in ways that we can. It is also worth mentioning that sometimes siblings can change as they get older as compared to how they were as children.

    Sometimes this change can be for the better, yet sometimes this might be for the worst. Even if your sibling doesn’t make the best of decisions, it is important that you still value them. God values each and every human life and we should do the same. If we are truly following God and we love Him as much as we say we do, it is vital that we love, respect, and value our siblings. It brings God glory when we love and value others. 

    It is often hard to love those close to us because of past pain. It hurts so much more because the individual was close to us and we trusted them. Often, our siblings can hurt us and this can cause us to not value them anymore. If you have noticed this in your life, know that it can happen, but you can get back on the right track. You will never be able to control the way your siblings act, but you can control your own behavior. Rather than holding hate toward your sibling or choosing to not value them, you can choose to love freely and value their very beings. 

    God wants us to value all people, including our siblings. While this can be difficult for many of us, it is vital that we do value our adult siblings. Unfortunately, not many of us think about death until it is at our doorstep. My sister recently was speaking about this topic and it affected me deeply. She pointed out that individuals normally don’t think about death until it is in your midst. From my own experience, I can vouch this as being true. 

    I never truly thought about death until our family dog passed away and our mom passed away nearly seven years ago. The topic of death was uncomfortable and I didn’t want to think about it. Most people feel the same as we don’t choose to acknowledge death until we see our loved one take their final breath and we miss their very presence. We need to remember this because our time on earth is short and so is our siblings time on earth. Our siblings could be here one day and gone the next. We need to value our adult siblings because they are valuable to us, yet we might not see that until they are gone. Thus, choose to value your adult siblings, be supportive of them, and help them grow in the Lord. 

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/digitalskillet

    Vivian Bricker loves Jesus, studying the Word of God, and helping others in their walk with Christ. She has earned a Bachelor of Arts and Master’s degree in Christian Ministry with a deep academic emphasis in theology. Her favorite things to do are spending time with her family and friends, reading, and spending time outside. When she is not writing, she is embarking on other adventures.

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  • 3 Reasons for Tensions between Adult Children and Parents

    3 Reasons for Tensions between Adult Children and Parents

    Growing up, my parents jested, “You can choose your friends, but you can’t choose your family.” These words were meant to encourage and perhaps force me to learn to get along with my family members because “friends come and go, but your family remains the same.” 

    For some, the opposite will be true; friends have been more like family than blood relatives. However, for our purposes here, I am addressing those whose family dynamics are relatively healthy aside from the occasional family tiffs—especially those tensions of navigating relationships with parents as adults with children of their own.

    As believers who desire to honor God with their lives, many adult Christians wonder how to honor their parents as family roles and dynamics change, notably during major life shifts such as marriage and having children. Understanding common reasons for tensions and establishing healthy plans for resolution between adult children and their parents may relieve these normal family stressors.

    Let’s look at three reasons for tension between adult children and their parents:

    1. Not Following the Biblical Role of Parents in Adult Children’s Lives

    Packed with sass and attitude as a little girl, I often heard my parents recite the fifth commandment. “Honor your father and mother,” they would say after a slight roll of the eyes or stomp of my foot. If you, too, grew up in a Christian home, I’m willing to bet you heard those words as well.

    But we’re not little girls and boys anymore. Does this principle imply that we are to do everything our parents say as adults? And if we don’t, are we dishonoring our parents?

    Let’s back up and look at God’s original intent for the family. Home is where children learn to submit to authority and respect and obey. In return, hopefully, they receive love and protection. If children can learn to submit to earthly authority (their parents), they will be better able to submit to God’s ultimate authority (eternal).

    Honoring our parents doesn’t explicitly imply that we must obey all their wishes and commands. While we are under our parents’ care (i.e., living under their roof), we should abide by their rules, commands, and preferences (assuming they don’t contradict God’s Word). However, as we age and move out of our parent’s homes, we bear the responsibility and burden of adulthood. 

    In Matthew 19:4-6, Jesus describes the natural progression as children become adults, “Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’?” If this is true, the natural progression would be that once we have lives and families of our own, our parents’ authority would shift from one of complete authority to a source of wise counsel and guidance. Their advice is suggestive, and our ultimate authority would come from Christ.

    As adult children, we can honor our parents by considering their concerns and advice, showing them respect, and striving to live in peace as far as it depends on us. We hope that parents acknowledge the shift in authority in our lives with great joy and gratitude to see their children walking in obedience to God. But the truth is that changes like these are difficult, and sometimes, tension is inevitable. As these situations arise, consider ways to respect and honor parents while maintaining autonomy and accommodating new relationship dynamics such as a spouse or children.

    2. Unrealistic Expectations

    Having unrealistic expectations is one of the biggest reasons for relationship tension. Due to familiarity in family relationships, there is a greater possibility of these expectations going unvoiced and misconstrued. We all have different outcomes we deem appropriate responses for various scenarios and circumstances. Of course, because they are our ideas, we sometimes wrongly assume that everyone else will respond the way we envisioned. But, when people don’t act the way we expected, conflict or, at the very least, tension occurs. Can you relate to one of the scenarios below?

    Your parents retired, creating extra time in their calendars. You are thrilled because you think this will lead to them helping out with the kids more. A few weeks go by, and they haven’t reached out, and you start to feel annoyed.

    You and your spouse offered to host a big family Christmas at your house this year. You thought this would make it easier on your parents, but you become upset when they decline to opt for a smaller gathering at home. 

    Your parents decide to take a big trip and invite your family along. You thought because they invited your family, they would cover the cost of the vacation; you become bitter when you find out it would be your responsibility.

    One of the best ways to relieve the tensions caused by unrealistic or unmet expectations is to stop putting them on people. After many mishaps with my preconceived notions of how people should respond and my general desire for others to do things the same way I would, I certainly understand this is much easier said than done. But maybe it would be helpful if we all tried not to impose our opinions on others so much.

    We can openly and honestly talk about our preferences and concerns. I understand this is a tall order for those not fond of conflict. But, airing out our grievances, or sharing how we would like things to be, in most cases, helps prevent future misunderstandings. Auditing expectations for personal opinions, ditching assumptions, and openly communicating will be a great starting point for managing unrealistic expectations.

    3. Being Quick to Assume the Worst and Slow to Forgive and Forget

    Assuming the worst can be a knee-jerk reaction regarding relationships with parents and in-laws. A simple declined invitation to dinner quickly makes me think I am the worst daughter ever, an incompetent mom, and generally a disgrace to the family. Heaven help me if the exchange happens over text or e-mail! I understand the challenges when we can’t see facial expressions or voice inflections created, but why with the people we love most, do we tend to assume the worst? It seems that most of us are much quicker to extend grace and understanding to friends and strangers over our relatives.

    As if it’s not enough of a challenge that we generally assume the worst of each other, conversations can be loaded at times. Someone makes a comment about a superior parenting technique, an ill-timed comment is made about someone’s finances, or a parent continues to give unsolicited suggestions. These things can make tensions soar, people shut down, and activate relational strain, making it hard to engage with each other as time goes on and unforgiveness festers.

    We’ve covered God’s original design for family to model submission to authority. And the family unit is a great place to practice navigating the inevitable ruptures and repairs required in human relationships. By learning to love unconditionally, forgive quickly, and extend grace and mercy to our families, we can do the same with the family of God.

    While there are numerous reasons for tension between adult children and their parents, we can be sure of a few things. The shift of power, the change of seasons, the transformation of children becoming adults, and aging parents, will cause tension in our families. But as God demonstrated by adopting us into His family despite our shortcomings, the family unit is a grace from Him. Love covers a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8), allowing us the privilege to honor our families.

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/Daisy-Daisy

    Laura Bailey is a Bible teacher who challenges and encourages women to dive deep in the Scriptures, shift from an earthly to an eternal mindset, and filter life through the lens of God’s Word. She is a wife and momma to three young girls. She blogs at www.LauraRBailey.com, connect with her on Facebook and Instagram @LauraBaileyWrites 

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  • How Does the Bible Guide Us through Conflict Resolution?

    How Does the Bible Guide Us through Conflict Resolution?

    I must confess a bit of reticence here in answering this question. I say that because there are abusive structures and systems which use “biblical conflict resolution” to harm survivors. The principles outlined in Matthew 18 can be used to browbeat those who have been victimized and to force mock forgiveness upon those who are perpetually wounded.

    But God does tell us about conflict resolution. The place where biblical reconciliation always begins is in the gospel of Jesus Christ. We can only pursue true and lasting God-honoring reconciliation with one another if we have been first reconciled to God. All reconciliation must begin here.

    James 4:1-2 tells us where our battle with conflict resides. David Powlison explains well:

    “One of the joys of biblical ministry comes when you are able to turn on the lights in another person’s dark room … I have yet to meet a couple locked in hostility (and the accompanying fear, self-pity, hurt, self-righteousness) who really understood and reckoned with their motives. James 4:1-3 teaches that cravings underlie conflicts. Why do you fight? It’s not “because my wife/husband…” – it’s because of something about you. Couples who see what rules them – cravings for affection, attention, power, vindication, control, comfort, a hassle-free life – can repent and find God’s grace made real to them, and then learn how to make peace.”

    This helps us to first reckon with our own role in any conflict that we might have. Matthew 7:3-5 makes it clear that in any conflict we do well to suspect and inspect ourselves first.

    Disclaimer: When we are talking about run of the mill sin against one another or when the balance of power is pretty much equal, this is sound advice. It’s probably not a good question to ask, though, if you’ve been victimized. As an example, if someone has been sexually assaulted, it’s irresponsible and harmful to ask questions about personal responsibility.

    The same is true of places like Matthew 18. That is a tremendous verse for walking through interpersonal conflicts. It helps us to know how to pursue reconciliation if we’ve been the one offended. As a general rule, when we are the ones who have been sinned against, we should walk through these steps, seek and pray for the repentance of the offender, and respond accordingly.

    But it is inappropriate to use Matthew 18 as a cudgel against someone who is in an abusive relationship. Matthew 18 is not intended to outline the steps a wife should take if her husband is abusing her. We do not get to rebuke her for “not going to him first.”

    Yes, the Bible outlines how to resolve conflict. But we must consider the general principle that there is a conflict that we are supposed to never make peace with and that is the conflict with sin. Whenever we use biblical principles of conflict to harm those who are vulnerable, we are making peace with sin and placing ourselves at enmity with God. There is much the Bible says about conflict and we do well to consider the whole picture.

    Photo credit: ©Getty Images/phototechno

    Mike Leake

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  • What Is the Beautiful Picture of Adoption in the Bible?

    What Is the Beautiful Picture of Adoption in the Bible?

    Paul uses the picture of adoption five times in his writings. Once describing Israel’s adoption by God (Romans 9:4), and four times describing the adoption of Gentiles into his family (Romans 8:15, 23; Galatians 4:5; Ephesians 1:5).

    But what does Paul mean when he refers to being adopted by God? The answer to that is more involved than we might think based on present-day adoption practices.

    Adoption in the Roman World

    Adoption today generally deals with infants or young children, usually because of the inability to have children or to provide a home for children who would otherwise not have a loving family. But adoption was quite different in the Roman world of the first century.

    In that time and place, adoption was primarily about securing an heir. Among the Roman aristocracy, families were generally small, child mortality was high, and failing to have a son who could inherit the estate was not uncommon.

    Adoption provided a means to be able to carry on the family name and estate when a natural son was not available.

    There are some aspects of Roman adoption that are especially relevant to Paul’s usage of adoption. First, as mentioned above, adoption was concerned with inheritance. The reason for being adopted was to provide an heir when one was not otherwise available.

    Only free Roman citizens could be legally adopted. Non-citizens and slaves could not be adopted. However, a slave could be freed, and then as a freedman, he could be adopted.

    If the slave were owned by someone other than the one freeing him, he would first need to be purchased. And once the purchase price was paid, the slave could be freed.

    When a person was adopted, they were given a new name, the name of the family they were adopted into. If the one being adopted was not previously the head of his family, he brought nothing with him into the adopted family.

    However, if he was the head of his original family, all he had come with him was placed under the ownership of his new father. So, adoption essentially resulted in a new start in life.

    Slaves to Sin

    Paul’s use of adoption is not the straightforward adoption of one Roman citizen by another. Instead, he focuses on the adoption of one who was a slave and who must first be redeemed and set free from slavery before adoption.

    Several times in Paul’s letter to the Roman church, he refers to us as having been slaves to sin (Romans 6:6,16,17,20; 7:14, 25) or that sin was our master (Romans 6:14).

    Sin is not used here in the sense of individual acts of disobedience. Rather, sin personifies our fallen human nature.

    We were not free to choose our own future. We were slaves and had no prospects of escaping that slavery. While we had limited freedom to order our lives, in the end, we were still slaves to sin, owned and controlled by that nature.

    Redeemed and Set Free

    Romans 6:17-18, while affirming that we were slaves to sin, says that we have now been set free from that slavery to sin.

    And, in Revelation 5:9, the heavenly host sang of Jesus, “You are worthy to take the scroll and to open its seals, because you were slain, and with your blood you purchased for God persons from every tribe and language and people and nation.”

    God did for us what we were unable to do for ourselves. He paid the price for our freedom to our former master. And he set us free.

    Adopted into God’s Family

    As mentioned in the opening, Paul uses the expression “adoption to sonship” five times in his writing. We were not initially born into God’s family as sons and daughters. We were slaves to another master. But God, who purchased our freedom, adopted us into his family.

    No longer are we on the outside looking in. We are now intimate members of God’s family. In Romans 8:15, Paul said that “the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him, we cry, ‘Abba, Father’.”

    Abba is an Aramaic word for father. According to Vines Expository Dictionary, this is the word a young child would use for their father, making it equivalent to our “daddy.”

    Not only are we children of God now. But we are called “dearly loved children” in Ephesians 5:1. And 1 John 3:1 refers to the “great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!”

    While God’s love extends to the whole world (John 3:16), it is especially given to those who are now members of his family, his dearly loved children.

    Heirs of God

    In the Roman world, adoption was primarily for the purpose of inheritance. And that is no different in the adoption into the family of God we have experienced. Romans 8:17 tells us that “if we are children, then we are heirs — heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ.”

    But this adoption as heirs is different from the Roman adoption of an heir. In the Roman world, inheritance did not occur until the death of the one owning the estate that would be inherited. But we are God’s heirs without his death.

    This inheritance is currently something we look forward to. In Ephesians 1:14, Paul tells us that the Holy Spirit living in us is “a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession.”

    Our inheritance awaits not God’s death but ours. Today we experience but a taste of what awaits us. But once our redemption is complete, we will fully experience the inheritance prepared for us.

    The thought of being a co-heir, or joint heir, with Christ, seems a bit strange at first. Surely our place in the eternal kingdom is not the same as that of Jesus, which is what joint inheritance would imply.

    But, as believers, we are in Christ. And, in Christ, his experience becomes ours. We share in his life now. And we will through eternity. It is as we are in Christ, then, that we can be joint heirs with him.

    Bringing it All Together

    Paul’s use of adoption imagery is most evident in Galatians 4:4-7.

    But when the set time had fully come, God sent his Son, born of a woman, born under the law, to redeem those under the law, that we might receive adoption to sonship.

    Because you are his sons, God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, “Abba, Father.” So, you are no longer a slave but God’s child; and since you are his child, God has made you also an heir.

    This passage begins with our redemption from the slave market, leading to our adoption, becoming loved members of his family, and concluding with being made God’s heirs.

    For further reading:

    What Does the Bible Mean by Children of God?

    What Does it Mean to be a Child of God as an Adult?

    What Does it Mean to Be in the Family of God?

    What Does it Mean That God Is Our Abba Father?

    What Does the Bible Say about Having a Birthright?

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/Ilya Burdun

    Ed Jarrett is a long-time follower of Jesus and a member of Sylvan Way Baptist Church. He has been a Bible teacher for over 40 years and regularly blogs at A Clay Jar. You can also follow him on Twitter or Facebook. Ed is married, the father of two, and grandfather of three. He is retired and currently enjoys his gardens and backpacking.

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  • Does the Bible Mention Interracial Dating/Marriage?

    Does the Bible Mention Interracial Dating/Marriage?

    During the Old Testament, God didn’t want the Israelites to marry those outside of Israel. He did this not because of ethnicity but because those outside of Israel were worshiping false gods. The Lord didn’t want Israel to become married to those who would lead them away from Him. Thus, God did not want Israel to date or marry those outside Israel because they could tempt Israel to sin and follow false gods.

    Dating and Marriage

    Most of the time, when people talk about interracial dating and marriage, they are referring to ethnicity. The truth is that there is only one race—the human race, and we all come from the same Creator. Ethnicities are but skin pigments. Our skin pigment comes from melanin. Just because we have different skin pigments doesn’t mean we are any different from each other. We all are the same on the inside—we all have a heart and a mind. None of us are much different from each other because we all have a deep longing inside to be loved and to be known. 

    The Bible tells us we are all equal. We are all made in the image of God, whether we have red, yellow, black, or white skin (Genesis 1:27). We are also told by Paul, “There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus” (Galatians 3:38). As Paul tells us, we are all equal and one in Christ. Nobody is better than anyone else, as we are all equal. Pride is a common sin for individuals to struggle with, yet this is what causes individuals to become racist toward others.

    Racism 

    Racism is a sin. The belief that those of different skin colors shouldn’t marry each other is a form of racism. God never says that people of different skin colors cannot marry each other. If they are both believers in the Lord and love each other, there is no reason they cannot get married. The only marriages God condemns are same-sex marriage and marriage between a believer and an unbeliever. These are the only two types of marriages that go against God’s design for marriage. An interracial marriage doesn’t taint God’s design for marriage.

    Those who believe interracial dating or marriage is unbiblical are misinformed. There is nothing in the Bible that speaks against dating or marrying someone of a different skin color than yourself. God created all people, and He loves all people. He does not play favorites, as He loves every single person equally. There is not a supreme ethnicity, as all people are equal at the cross of Christ. If someone thinks something is wrong with interracial dating/marriage, they must turn to the Lord and meditate on what the Bible says. There is absolutely nothing wrong with interracial dating/marriage. 

    Many people try to condemn interracial dating/marriage based on the Bible, but this is wrong. As we have established, God only condemns the Israelites for marrying those outside Israel because of their foreign gods. The Lord didn’t have anything against their skin color because He made them. Rather, the Lord didn’t want His people to marry those who would lead them after false gods. As shown in the life of King Solomon, his many foreign wives led him after foreign gods and caused him to disobey God. In the same way, God didn’t want the people of Israel to marry outside of Israel to protect their faith in Him. 

    Marrying someone of a different color doesn’t mean a person is sinning. In fact, it is a beautiful thing for two believers to get married. Marriage is a sacred covenant before the Lord. When two believers get married, they are a representation of Christ and the Church. As Christ cares for the Church, the husband needs to care for his wife. In the same way, the woman must love and respect her husband just as the Church loves and respects Christ. Marriage was created to show the relationship between Christ and the Church. It doesn’t matter what color two believers are, but rather what matters is that one man and one woman have come together because they both love God and each other. 

    History of Interracial Dating

    During segregation, interracial dating/marriage was frowned upon, yet this was due to people’s sins. They falsely used the Bible out of context and condemned those who loved people of different skin tones. Nobody should be told they can’t love somebody else because of their skin color. Sadly, many Caucasians believe they are the supreme ethnicity, but they are not. Throughout history, Catholic churches have portrayed Jesus as being Caucasian, and this belief is still depicted throughout time. Jesus would have been ethnically Jewish, which meant He would have had darker skin, dark hair, and dark eyes. 

    This is radically different from the white skin, light hair, and blue eyes Jesus often is depicted as having. We can see racism shown in this matter, which deeply affects people to this day. Due to this false belief, many people have believed that white people should only marry white people or that African-Americans should only marry African-Americans. This is not true at all because God loves all people, and He does not draw a barrier line that a believer of a certain skin color cannot date or marry a believer who is of a different skin color. 

    Instead of condemning those who love someone of a different skin color, we should support, encourage, and love them. If they are both believers, they love each other, and they love God, then there is nothing wrong. As established, the only marriage unions rejected by God are marriages between same-sex couples and marriages between a believer and an unbeliever. God established marriage to be between one believing man and one believing woman. The Bible tells us, “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). 

    Anything that goes against this design, as stated in Genesis 2:24, goes against God’s perfect design for marriage. As we know, God loves all people of all skin tones because He created us, and we are all made in His image (Genesis 1:27). It doesn’t matter if a white woman wants to marry an African-American man or if a white man wants to marry an African-American woman—the same goes for Asians, Latinos, and believers of other ethnicities. If they are both followers of Christ, there is nothing wrong, and the interracial relationship is in accordance with God’s design. 

    Self-reflection

    If you are a believer and considering dating or marrying another believer of a different skin color, then know it is perfectly okay to date or marry this individual. In the same way, if you are a person who struggles with racism, take some time to deeply study the Bible and discover that God doesn’t condemn interracial dating or marriage. The only marriages He condemns are the marriage between same-sex couples and marriages between a believer and an unbeliever. Marriage is a beautiful covenant before God, and those who choose to marry one another do not need to be judged based on their skin color. Everyone is beautiful and uniquely designed by our wonderful Creator and has the opportunity to step into the God-ordained covenant of marriage.  

    Photo Credit: ©Unsplash/Desiree Fawn

    Vivian Bricker loves Jesus, studying the Word of God, and helping others in their walk with Christ. She has earned a Bachelor of Arts and Master’s degree in Christian Ministry with a deep academic emphasis in theology. Her favorite things to do are spending time with her family and friends, reading, and spending time outside. When she is not writing, she is embarking on other adventures.

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  • Why Are So Many Christian Marriages Failing?

    Why Are So Many Christian Marriages Failing?

    Divorce comes in all shapes and sizes. There’s certainly not a “one reason fits all” explanation for this heart-wrenching experience. I’ve learned that it doesn’t always matter who initiates leaving, who files for separation first, or who did what to whom—divorce hurts. 

    And it should. Divorce has been compared to two sheets of paper glued together—it’s impossible to separate them without damage inflicted on both pieces. 

    Trust me, I’ve been there. After all, I walked through the dark valley of abandonment and unwanted divorce before I even hit age thirty. 

    Decades ago, divorce seemed to be more of a worldly situation. Anytime a divorce rocked the local church, it was shocking. These days, however, the divorce rate among Christians—while lower than among those not professing faith—is ever-climbing. It doesn’t even bring the same jolt of surprise when we hear “so and so” are separating. 

    So what exactly is happening to Christian marriages? What is causing this epidemic, and how can we stop it? Can we even stop it? 

    Here are eight reasons why so many Christian marriages are failing today—and what you can do to avoid becoming a statistic:

    1. We’re Sinners

    This is the simplest yet deepest truth to the mystery of why marriages fail—because of sin. 

    Romans 3:23 (ESV) “…for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. All of us are capable of committing a variety of sins against our spouse, and it’s all too easy to let these sins build up. Even when the sins aren’t directly against our spouse, it affects our marriage because unconfessed sin affects our hearts.” 

    Thankfully, there is hope. 1 John 1:9 (ESV) says, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. It’s never too late to confess your sin and get right with the Holy Spirit—and in that same vein, it’s never too late for your marriage.” 

    2. We Treat Marriage as Extreme Dating

    Another reason Christian marriages fail is that they aren’t held with the reverence they deserve. Marriage is not extreme dating. All too often, couples get engaged and go into marriage acting like divorce is an option should things head south. They woodenly repeat “’til death do us part” after the officiating minister, but deep in their hearts, they have an escape plan. Yet, the Bible states otherwise:

    Genesis 2:24 (ESV) “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”

    Marriage creates one unit from two people. Of course, that will mean instant conflict because both people in the union are sinners. Arguments will happen. But that union is a direct picture of the covenant between Christ and His Church. It’s not to be taken lightly.  

    3. We Forget

    As the years go by, it’s easy to forget why we fell in love in the first place. All we can see are the annoying quirks and bad habits our spouse has that drive us crazy. We forget that our spouse is a blessing to us—they’re a good thing!

    Proverbs 18:22 (ESV) “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.”

    On top of that, husbands are literally commanded to rejoice in their wife. Proverbs 5:18 (ESV) says, “Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth…” While this directive is aimed at men, women can also benefit from the instruction by remembering why they fell in love in the first place and rejoice in their marriage. A little gratitude goes a long way in perspective—for both parties.

    4. We Quit Too Soon

    Sometimes, couples give up when they should be digging their heels in and fighting for their marriage. Of course, there are situations where this doesn’t apply, such as with unrepentant adultery, abuse, etc. But for the couple who feel as if they’ve simply fallen out of love and are ready to give up, they might consider this parable in the Gospel of Luke:

    Luke 11:5-8 (ESV) “And he said to them, “Which of you who has a friend will go to him at midnight and say to him, ‘Friend, lend me three loaves, for a friend of mine has arrived on a journey, and I have nothing to set before him’; and he will answer from within, ‘Do not bother me; the door is now shut, and my children are with me in bed. I cannot get up and give you anything’? I tell you, though he will not get up and give him anything because he is his friend, yet because of his impudence he will rise and give him whatever he needs.” 

    Prayer works miracles, and it’s easy to try everything under the sun—passive-aggressive tactics, counseling, self-help books, or venting to our friends—without ever going to the Lord about our marriage. Start there and pray with persistence. Don’t give up too soon. 

    5. We Cause Each Other Strife

    Speaking unlovingly to each other does a lot of damage, especially over time. Husbands and wives are often both guilty of nagging each other, but here in Proverbs, the directive is aimed toward women. Proverbs 21:9 (ESV) warns, “It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.” Both spouses should take care with the words they speak and aim for gentleness over anger. Taking a deep breath and a moment to gain control of your temper before speaking can go a long way in saving a marriage. Aim to be someone your spouse wants to spend time with, rather than someone driving them away—and then watch how they start behaving the same. Kindness is contagious.

    6. We Don’t Understand What Love Truly Is

    From a young age, we’re exposed to the world’s definition of love, which is often just lust masquerading as love. True love is defined in the Bible. The Bible says God Himself is love (1 John 4:16). We’re also given a list of examples in 1 Corinthians of what love looks like:

    1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (ESV) “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” 

    Go through the list above and check your heart toward your spouse. Are you showing patience and kindness? Are you overcome by jealousy and insecurity? Are you rude? Irritable all the time? Bitter? Start there and see what the Lord transforms in you both. 

    7. We Don’t Fulfill Our Biblical Roles

    This has, unfortunately, because of sin and abuse, become a touchy subject, but the bottom line is the Bible has direct roles for husbands and wives in marriage. Marriages work better when they’re in the confines of their God-ordained boundaries. Simply put, wives are commanded to submit, and husbands are commanded to love. 

    Ephesians 5:24-26 (ESV) “Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word…”

    This is how marriage works best. Don’t get me wrong—this doesn’t mean wives aren’t also to love their husbands, or husbands aren’t to consider their wife’s thoughts and opinions when leading their household. Marriage is a partnership. God told Adam in the garden that it wasn’t good for him to be alone, that he needed a helpmate. When husbands and wives fulfill their roles as God designed, their marriage runs a lot smoother. When roles are reversed, abandoned, or resented, conflict is compounded. 

    8. We Don’t Forgive

    Our marriages will inevitably fail—or at the least, be completely miserable—when we withhold forgiveness. The Bible is full of reminders of this important element, not just in our marriages but in our Christian walk as a whole. 

    1 Peter 4:8 (ESV) “Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.”

    Ephesians 4:32 (ESV) “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”

    If we don’t forgive our spouse, we’re essentially telling them the blood Christ shed on the cross for their sins wasn’t enough payment for what they’ve done. When you find it hard to forgive when your spouse sins against you, remember how much you’ve been forgiven by your Heavenly Father, and follow this command in the Bible to forgive. You’ll never regret it. 

    **Please note, forgiveness doesn’t mean condoning what happened or leaving yourself open to being sinned against repeatedly in the same manner. That’s a different conversation. Forgiveness can come with boundaries, and oftentimes, it should.**

    Whatever the current state of your marriage, the good news is there is always hope. Miracles still happen. Restoration happens. If you’re currently fighting for your marriage, have faith! If you’re breathing, there’s still a chance. 

    And the even better news is that if your marriage does end or isn’t restored, you’re not alone. Remember, the Lord Your Maker is your husband:

    Isaiah 54:5 (ESV) “For your Maker is your husband, the Lord of hosts is his name; and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer, the God of the whole earth he is called.”

    Dear sister, if you’re subject to an unwanted divorce, you are not simply a statistic. You are a child of God, and He is with you through every hard season and dark valley. Cling to Him. And bask in His love that never fails.

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/Vimvertigo

    Betsy St. Amant Haddox is the author of over twenty romance novels and novellas. She resides in north Louisiana with her hubby, two daughters, an impressive stash of coffee mugs, and one furry Schnauzer-toddler. Betsy has a B.A. in Communications and a deep-rooted passion for seeing women restored to truth. When she’s not composing her next book or trying to prove unicorns are real, Betsy can be found somewhere in the vicinity of an iced coffee. She is a regular contributor to iBelieve.com and offers author coaching and editorial services via Storyside LLC. 

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  • What Does it Mean to Be a Wife of Noble Character?

    What Does it Mean to Be a Wife of Noble Character?

    Preconceived notions overflow about the kind of wife a woman “should” be. Maybe these are shaped by pop culture in some way — she must be attractive, kind, fashionable, and funny, simultaneously a fantastic mom and a whiz in the boardroom.

    One passage from Proverbs in the Bible titled “Epilogue: The Wife of Noble Character” details a wife so exemplary her works are celebrated and wholeheartedly applauded by the entire community.

    “A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies,” we’re told in Proverbs 31:10.

    The chapter goes on as an acrostic poem using all the letters in the Hebrew alphabet, describing a woman so excellent “her works bring her praise at the city gate” (v. 31). She wakes early, providing for her family with strong arms and a stronger mind.

    Faithful and fair, she cares for the poor, has phenomenal business acuity, is skilled with thread and needle, and enjoys a great relationship with her husband and her kids. Best of all, we’re told she “fears the Lord” (v. 30).

    Is this the expectation of the kind of wife we should be? What does it mean to be a wife of “noble character,” as described in Proverbs 31:10?

    Let’s take a look at what this means and if this idealized version of womanhood is even possible.

    What Does the Original Hebrew Say?

    First, it’s important to understand the words “wife” and “noble” are not necessarily as we would interpret them today. The word translated as “wife” is actually issa or ishah, which means woman, usually a wife or a woman of some importance.

    The word translated as “noble” is hayil, or chayil, meaning valiant, brave, courageous, or capable. Of note is that this is the same word used in Judges 6:12 to describe Gideon, a judge over Israel, yet there it is translated as “mighty.”

    Therefore, this wife of noble character is not some queenly, regal figurehead sitting detached and aloof on her throne, blithely ordering servants to and fro. Rather, this is a strong and courageous woman, a female version of Gideon’s “mighty warrior.”

    Why Is This ‘Wife of Noble Character’ So Wonderful?

    Make no mistake: the woman being described here is no ordinary woman. She is a superwoman of sorts. She has much work and does it all skillfully and without complaint, and her efforts not only help her family but spill over into the community, benefitting the needy as well.

    She has dignity but a sense of humor and is generally the kind of person you can count on to do the right thing always.

    Indeed, she’s a rare find, valued more than precious stones. In many ways, this gem of a woman is much like wisdom, lauded throughout Proverbs.

    Wisdom is presented throughout Proverbs as a woman. For instance, in Proverbs 1:20, wisdom is personified as a woman who “raises her voice in the public square,” while in Proverbs 9:1, she “has built her house; she has set up its seven pillars.” Like a loving and excellent spouse, we are to welcome and value wisdom.

    Proverbs, also known as the book of wisdom, introduces itself as being written “for gaining wisdom and instruction” (Proverbs 1:2).

    As it notes near the start of the book, “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and instruction” (Proverbs 1:7).

    This is exactly the sort of woman this “wife of noble character” is — one filled with wisdom, “who fears the Lord” (Proverbs 31:30).

    Proverbs 3:15 describes wisdom much like this wife of noble character, noting wisdom “is more precious than rubies; nothing you desire can compare with her.”

    And as the book says later about wisdom, in Proverbs 8:35, “For those who find me find life and receive favor from the Lord.”

    The same is said for one who is blessed with a wife of noble character and those who have that noble character themselves.

    Is This the Expectation of the Kind of Wife We Should Be?

    Yes, this is the kind of wife women “should” be — yet it’s important to understand this is an idealized version of womanhood, not a job description.

    The “wife of noble character” is a top-level goal, something women should strive for while knowing full well perfection isn’t actually possible for anyone except the Lord.

    Yet it’s not just about womanhood. This is a goal for all people. We all must seek to be like Lady Wisdom and embody the traits of the wife of noble character.

    It might help to understand this much like the way Christians are expected to emulate Jesus. All Christians are sinful in nature, yet we strive to be like our role model, Jesus, though most of us fall far short. We spend our lives attempting, usually in vain, to overcome our human weaknesses and become holy.

    Similarly, women might strive to be like Jesus, or a Proverbs 31-type woman, knowing we cannot possibly get to this pinnacle of excellence on our own.

    As the Bible later explains, we can never be “good enough” or work hard enough to earn our place in heaven. God’s forgiveness and our salvation depend on his mercy, not our worth.

    We cannot earn this but instead must simply accept the gift given to us by Jesus — the perfect, unblemished lamb whose willing death on the cross paid our debt and guaranteed eternal life for those who believe in him.

    Still, we must still try our best to model Christ well so others can know him, too, and so God’s works can abound on earth.

    As Jesus says in John 15:5, “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.”

    The Wife of Noble Character in the Bible

    While we know there is no perfect person other than Jesus himself, there are some people who can be called a wife of noble character.

    In Ruth, Boaz called her “a woman of noble character” when he discovered her at his feet on the threshing floor (Ruth 3:11).

    Boaz, a powerful, highly respected, and good man, knew Ruth chose to stay with her mother-in-law, Naomi, after the death of her husband and resettle in a foreign land far from her own people.

    He knew she behaved in an upstanding and morally righteous manner and worked hard in the fields to provide for Naomi. Later, Boaz married Ruth. Her son, Obed, was the father of Jesse, who was the father of King David — and eventually one of Jesus’s ancestors (Matthew 1:5).

    A woman of noble character is honest, hardworking, trustworthy, and wise, like Ruth. She is loyal and dependable, striving to serve the Lord and do what is right rather than gain power, success, or wealth. She is also kind and, compassionate, and generous to others.

    While not specifically labeled as such, we can find examples of other virtuous women “of noble character” in the Bible: Rachel, patient, and hardworking wife of Jacob (Genesis 29, 30).

    Hannah, prayerful formerly barren mother of the prophet Samuel (1 Samuel 1); Esther, who risked her life and station to advocate for her people, the Jews, before the king (Esther 4:16).

    Elizabeth, mother of John the Baptist (Luke 1); Mary, the “worthy” and “favored” one chosen to be the mother of Jesus (Luke 1); and Mary Magdalene, a devout follower of Jesus (Luke 8).

    Is There a Connection Between a ‘Noble Woman’ and Wisdom?

    As Proverbs is also called the book of wisdom, and it begins with wisdom personified as a woman, calling on top of the wall for the people to repent and return to her (Proverbs 1:21), and ends by describing a woman of excellence (Proverbs 31:10-31) who seems to embody all of the wisdom detailed throughout the book, yes. There is a strong connection between a “noblewoman” and wisdom.

    As people everywhere are to cultivate and welcome wisdom, Proverbs tells us men are to cultivate and welcome the noblewoman. As it says in Proverbs 12:4, “A wife of noble character is her husband’s crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones.”

    Of course, this does not apply only to men and their wives. Women, men who do not marry, and indeed all people, are to seek such righteousness and excellence in their lives. The teaching of Proverbs is intended for all of God’s people.

    So let us all — women, as well as men — strive to be like the wife of noble character described in Proverbs 31. Let us all work to be selfless, hardworking, compassionate, virtuous, strong, and kind.

    For further reading:

    What Does it Mean to be a Proverbs 31 Woman?

    Should Godly Women Laugh Without Fear of the Future?

    What Does it Mean to be a Godly Woman?

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/Ivan-balvan

    Jessica Brodie is an award-winning Christian novelist, journalist, editor, blogger, and writing coach and the recipient of the 2018 American Christian Fiction Writers Genesis Award for her novel, The Memory Garden. She is also the editor of the South Carolina United Methodist Advocate, the oldest newspaper in Methodism. Learn more about her fiction and read her faith blog at jessicabrodie.com. She has a weekly YouTube devotional, too. You can also connect with her on Facebook, Twitter, and more. She’s also produced a free eBook, A God-Centered Life: 10 Faith-Based Practices When You’re Feeling Anxious, Grumpy, or Stressed.

    Jessica Brodie

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  • A Letter to the Friend of the Socially Anxious

    A Letter to the Friend of the Socially Anxious

    I can remember a time when I hated when plans with friends would suddenly change or fall through. It was such a letdown when I had been looking forward to exciting plans and was only met with feeling bummed and, sometimes, experiencing feelings of rejection, loneliness, and sadness too.

    It can be frustrating having friendships with individuals who struggle with social anxiety. All the hype you instill, checking in, reassuring, and, especially, those moments when you are dressed and ready to go but receive an “I can’t make it!” text at the last minute. 

    You, friend, are not lost in the wake of your friend’s social anxiety. Your efforts are seen, appreciated, and are what keep us going. We would love nothing more than to live as socially as we are when plans are first made. We wish the waves of anxiety would halt for scheduled and unexpected plans. Without your help, we would probably be even more secluded than we already are. You are the breath of fresh air that encourages us to keep trying. You are the buoy that we can hang onto that keeps us afloat. But we know that even though we know how important you are to us, you may sometimes feel rejected, defeated, and tired. It is hard maintaining relationships with friends who mentally struggle. It is discouraging to make plan after plan, deep down knowing that the plans will not be followed through.

    Your friendship matters to us, so let’s talk about some ways that you can help support your socially anxious friend:

    Check-in Before the Event

    There is an immense amount of anticipation leading up to moments of socializing. All the worries of what if, could be, and worst-case scenarios plague our thoughts. These worries pile up days, weeks, and even months before the event occurs. Of course, rationally, everything will be just fine. But in our minds, irrationally, everything will not be fine. And, our brain is stuck in the irrational even when you plead logically with us. Your advice, support, and help before the event matter to us.

    • Tip: Role-play different conversations that could take place, talk through different worries as they come up, have a plan for when to arrive and leave, and remind us that we’ve overcome hard things before.

    “As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.” Proverbs 27:17 NLT

    Check in During the Event

    Regardless of how the night is going, check in. We may be putting on our bravest face, talking endlessly, and appear to be comfortable, but, we could be talking faster than our brains can process. We could be drowning on the inside, doing our best to say all the right things and not embarrass ourselves. We could be planning how to get out of this situation and flee. We could be analyzing the body language and facial expressions of everyone around us and piling on all the emotions in the room.

    • Pull your friend aside for a quick “break check” as often as necessary, supplement conversation when you can, and be present.

    “Therefore encourage and comfort one another and build up one another, just as you are doing.” 1 Thessalonians 5:11 AMP

    Check in After the Event

    After the event is over, cue the start-up of the merry-go-round of worries. Remember when I said we may be talking faster than our brains can process? Well, all we can think about is what everyone thinks about us, how embarrassed we are about things that we said, or analyzing every facial expression.

    • Talk on the drive home of the highs and lows, talk through any worries that come up, and check in as necessary in the following days.

    “If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.” Ecclesiastes 4:10 NIV

    Be Supportive, Even When You Do Not Understand

    You do not have to personally understand our struggle to be supportive. You can be a safe person for us by giving us the space to wade through anxious thoughts without judgment or annoyance. Help your friend to distinguish the truth in the midst of the lies. Many times, we are so consumed or overwhelmed that we need someone to see our circumstances from a different perspective or viewpoint.

    • Look to God’s Word together to replace the lies with truth and talk it over with your friend, as you can, no matter how many times he/she brings it up.

    “Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ.” Galatians 6:2 NLT

    Please, don’t criticize our fears.

    Making light of your friend’s anxiety can be an opportunity to break the ice, but please, don’t do that. Your friend likely already feels so defeated by their own thoughts about their struggles. Please, don’t add to the weight your friend is already carrying. How would you like to be treated if the role was reversed and you were the one plagued with distress? 

    “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.” Matthew 7:12 NIV

    Your feelings matter, too.

    I think I can speak for your friend when I say we understand your feelings matter also. Let us know when it is too much or when you need a break. You are important to us! The last thing we want to do is be a burden or add to the weight you’re carrying.

    “Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.” Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

    I have sadly experienced the loss of friendships due to my social anxiety. Friendships that I never wanted to see the end, but, inevitably, did. So, to the friends who keep sticking around, thank you! Thank you for accepting each of us as we are. Thank you for not giving up on us. Thank you for choosing to keep checking on us. Thank you for allowing God to use you in our struggle. We know, all too well, that this burden is heavy to carry, but we hope you know how much it means to us that we do not have to carry it alone. We acknowledge and see the love of Christ on display through your presence, your support, and your love.

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/Tero Vesalainen

    Laura Spurlin is a Christian, wife to her high school sweetheart, mama to her kiddos, nurse, and writer that has a passion for sharing what the Lord puts on her heart about motherhood, mental health, and all things in the Word of God.

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  • 4 Reasons to Trust Again

    4 Reasons to Trust Again

    A second reason to trust again is to start new relationships. Maybe a friend, a partner, or a spouse significantly broke trust with you. Your friend lied to you or said mean things behind your back. A partner may have forgotten about your birthday or forgot to pick you up for a date. Or maybe your spouse cheated on you and you are now in the workings of divorce. Each of these circumstances can dramatically hurt us and cause us pain. In addition to causing us pain, they can cause us to not trust these individuals again. It can even cause us to have a hard time trusting anyone again.

    At these times, it is important to remember that not everyone is like that friend, partner, or spouse who lied to you, hurt you, or betrayed you. It is worthwhile to open up your heart and your trust to others if they have demonstrated the actions of being someone who is trustworthy. Even if you may never see that friend, partner, or spouse being trustworthy again, you can still find trustworthy people out in the world who deserve your trust. Many times, we wish we could trust these individuals who were once close to us, but we haven’t been given any tangible proof that they are worthy of our trust.

    If the person has taken the right steps to become worthy of our trust again, we should be open to trusting them again. However, if you have been sexually, physically, or emotionally abused, you are not obligated to trust them again. Even though the individual may apologize or act convincingly, it is best not to rekindle relationships with those who sexually, physically, or emotionally abused us. Never are we called to trust those who have hurt us in this way. While we are to forgive, it doesn’t mean what they did was okay. Rather, forgiving them means we give it all over to Christ.

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/fizkes

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  • 6 Ways to Support a Grieving Friend

    6 Ways to Support a Grieving Friend

    Grief can be an especially difficult concept. People who are grieving have difficulty with the emotions surrounding grief, and the people who want to support those grieving can also have a difficult time with it. But it is so important to support friends during difficult times. Exodus 17:10-12 says, “So Joshua fought the Amalekites as Moses had ordered, and Moses, Aaron and Hur went to the top of the hill. As long as Moses held up his hands, the Israelites were winning, but whenever he lowered his hands, the Amalekites were winning.  When Moses’ hands grew tired, they took a stone and put it under him and he sat on it. Aaron and Hur held his hands up—one on one side, one on the other—so that his hands remained steady till sunset.” People need the tangible support of others through gestures, encouragement, and help from dear friends.

    However, it is easy to say a quick cliché rather than sit with someone in deep sadness. It is important not to state platitudes when a friend’s loved one has passed away, like “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle” or “he is in a better place,” because although it sounds soothing, it does not provide the person much relief. It only provides the “comforter” a quick way to get out of a tough situation. But what can a person do when a friend is grieving? 

    Here are six ways to support a grieving friend: 

    1. Pray for Them

    The most important thing you can do for a friend is pray for them. Ask the Holy Spirit, the Great Comforter, to give them peace that passes all understanding. That is the best gift a person in grief can receive. Ask the Holy Spirit to speak to you regarding that person. When God gives you a word of encouragement, be sure to pass it on to that friend. It may speak to their heart in a way that they have not verbalized to anyone else, including you. This will help them feel seen and known by God and meet their deep emotional needs for comfort and support.

    2. Make Them a Meal

    Offer to make a meal for someone in grief. It is a tangible way to meet their needs and demonstrate their presence in your life. Be sure not to make what you like, but rather ask them what they would like to eat. If they have a special diet or are a picky eater, buy a gift card to their favorite restaurant or order their favorite meal and have it delivered to their home (tip included). They may not feel up to eating when they first experience loss, but with the passing of time, their appetite will increase, and having a quick meal that can be available instantly will be of great help to them. 

    3. Encourage Them

    One of the best resources we have for encouragement is the Word of God. Take a day and go through the passages where people are in deep sorrow or pain. Write down the things that God said to them during that time. Read the context surrounding it and re-enact the ways God was the Great Comforter to others. In the coming weeks, say nothing to your friend but rather demonstrate your friendship by re-enacting these scenarios to their comfort level. It can be as simple as sending a bouquet of flowers a month after the loss, checking in on them, letting them know you were thinking of them after all the family members have left, or calling them on the phone and leaving a message letting them know you are praying for them. 

    People often have a large amount of support when someone first passes away before and immediately after a funeral. But three to four weeks after all the family members have gone back home and that person is left alone is when they will experience another wave of grief. Demonstrating these acts of kindness in this time will demonstrate Jesus and his love in your life in ways that will provide them comfort for months to come.

    4. Be the Hands and Feet of Jesus

    Making a meal or buying a gift card to a favorite restaurant is a great start to demonstrating support and kindness. Try to go the extra mile when it comes to supporting your friend during your time of grief. Offer to say a few words about the loved one if there is a funeral service. Ask them if there are any errands they need to run or tie up loose when it comes to their loved one’s loss. Pay for groceries and have them delivered to your friend’s home. Offer to pay for any last-minute costs at the funeral home or grave site. Discover ways to demonstrate Jesus in tangible ways to your friend. If you are running out of ways to do that, ask the Lord to reveal any needs that your friend might have that he or she has not made you aware of. Do your best to meet them in a kind and loving way to demonstrate you are a good friend supporting them through a tough time.

    5. Write Them a Note

    In this technological world, many have lost the art of handwritten notes. By a sympathy card or blank note and write in it all the ways your friend has been an encouragement to you. Highlight their good qualities and why they are such a good friend to you. In the hustle and bustle of life, we often don’t say the important things that make people feel special. Tell them all the ways you love them and encourage them not to feel bad if they don’t recover from their loss right away. 

    6. Check in on Them

    Grief is not linear; grief can take years, and people go through many stages before grief is finally complete. Don’t rush them but let them know you are there for them. Send a random text letting them know you were thinking of them. Buy a gift from Amazon that you know they’ll like and have it delivered to their door. Make their birthday or another special holiday extra special during their time of loss. Spare no expense on a gift, throw a party in their honor, or host a card shower where other friends and family can write notes of encouragement to their friend. Checking in on them often will help them feel more comfortable to share with you if you’re going through a rough time or ask for help if needed. Don’t get discouraged if your friend is quick with a response or doesn’t respond at all. Give gifts and notes of encouragement without expecting an emotional payoff for you too. Be someone who loves others with no strings attached. 

    Grief is not something anyone should go through alone. God has provided us with people to support us through difficult times in our lives. Be the Hur to the Moses in your life. Hold up people’s hands when they are weakest, and you may find when you are having a difficult time, you have the support you need as well. 

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/Rawpixel

    Michelle S. Lazurek is a multi-genre award-winning author, speaker, pastor’s wife, and mother. She is a literary agent for Wordwise Media Services and a certified writing coach. Her new children’s book Who God Wants Me to Be encourages girls to discover God’s plan for their careers. When not working, she enjoys sipping a Starbucks latte, collecting 80s memorabilia, and spending time with her family and her crazy dog. For more info, please visit her website www.michellelazurek.com.

    Michelle S. Lazurek

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  • 4 Ways for the Introvert to Invest in Community

    4 Ways for the Introvert to Invest in Community

    A fourth way for the introvert to invest in the community is to connect digitally. In the modern day, everything seems to have gone digital. Whether that be social media, websites, or emails, we can connect digitally now, which is a huge blessing to introverts. While the Lord does want us to connect to people in person, the internet is now a great place to spread the Gospel and build community in new ways. Through connecting to others by the means of the internet, we can help build relationships in ways not possible before.

    As an introvert, you are most likely extremely creative, and now is the time to put your creative talents to practice. You can design your own website to help believers connect, disciple one another, and discuss struggles you might be going through. You can tell your friends about the website and have them connect with you too. Once a website is published on the internet, it is only a matter of time until more people see your website and will be able to benefit from your support, encouragement, and help in Christ.

    If making a website isn’t your thing, maybe you could connect with some friends you haven’t spoken to in a while over social media. You could send them a message checking in on them and have a conversation to see how they are doing. The simple act of extending love, support, and care will make their entire day and might be just what your friend needs that day. God is very pleased when we choose to go out of our way to help others and when we choose to do things that are right even if they are scary for us. For me, even talking over text or email can be overwhelming because I tend to overthink everything, including punctuation. 

    However, the more practice we get at communicating with others in our community, whether in person or digitally, the more confident we will become in helping others. The Lord wants us to help those around us and be part of our community. As lights for Christ, we need to shine brightly for Him and point others to His amazing grace. Even though we are introverts doesn’t mean we are not capable of helping others know about Christ and investing in the community around us because we are more than capable. If you’re an introvert and are looking to invest in the community, hopefully, one of these four ways will help you start today. 

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/Wavebreakmedia

    Vivian Bricker

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  • Has Culture Lost Touch with Old-Fashioned Love Letters?

    Has Culture Lost Touch with Old-Fashioned Love Letters?

    He cut a piece of paper into the shape of a flower, colored it, and wrote a few short sweet words in black ink. Then he gave it to my roommate to place on my pillow. The next day came a beautiful, enormous bouquet of Stargazer Lilies.

    Those flowers are long gone, but the note I will keep forever. Written a quarter of a century ago, it’s the first “love letter” I ever received from my hubby. It’s tucked away in a little box along with the other short notes he wrote on post-its and longer letters he penned on engineering paper while we attended college.

    I am not super-sentimental, and I’m much more of a tosser than a keeper, but I don’t think I’ve ever thrown out a single thing that Corey has handwritten to me. There is something about seeing the handwriting of the person you love, with its scribbled-out words and doodles and ink smudges that make you feel adored in a way a social media message will never be able to achieve.

    Corey and I rarely write notes to each other anymore, and we certainly don’t write long handwritten love letters. But I can’t help but think that our relationship would benefit if we did.

    The Science of Letter Writing

    In fact, there is a Kent State study that offers proof of this theory. In 2007, Associate Professor in Human Development and Family Studies, Steve Toepfer, took a sampling of 219 “relatively happy” undergraduate college students. Each student was required to fill out a battery of questionnaires about their well-being during the first week of the study. Toepfer then divided the students into a control group and an experimental group; each was obligated to return to the research lab three times over the next three weeks. The control group simply filled out questionnaires each week, while the experimental group wrote letters of gratitude before filling out the questionnaire. 

    The letters had to be meaningful; a quick thank-you note was insufficient. When the study concluded, Toepfer found that the more letter-writing the students did, the more their happiness and overall life satisfaction increased. He also found that depressive symptoms decreased. 

    “What we come away with from this study is that if you are looking to increase your well-being through intentional activities, take 15 minutes three times over three weeks and write [a] letter of gratitude to someone,” Toepfer said in an article by Emily Vincent on the Kent State website. “This is a cumulative effect. If you write over time, you’ll feel happier, you’ll feel more satisfied, and if you’re suffering from depressive symptoms, your symptoms will decrease.”

    The World Needs More Love Letters

    Hannah Brencher discovered the art of writing letters after she excitedly moved to New York City, fresh out of college for her dream job. Instead of experiencing the fulfillment she hoped for, she found herself battling depression. In an effort to relieve some of that depression, she began writing love letters to random people and leaving them around the city. Then she hopped on social media and offered to write a handwritten letter to anyone who asked for one. In a very short period of time, her inbox was overwhelmed with requests. 

    Brencher’s accidental letter-writing campaign blossomed into more than she could have imagined, and she now runs a global organization called “The World Needs More Love Letters” with a primary purpose of connecting people through letter writing.

    In a TED Talk, Bencher describes being approached by a stranger who noticed her large mail crate and asked why she didn’t just use the Internet.

    Her response, 

    “Sir, I’m not a strategist, nor am I a specialist, I am merely a storyteller. So I could tell you about the woman whose husband has just come home from Afghanistan and is having a hard time unlocking this thing called conversation, so she tucks love letters throughout the house as a way to say, ‘Come back to me. Find me when you can.’. . . Or the man who decides that he is going to take his own life, and uses Facebook as a way to say good-bye to friends and family. Well, tonight he sleeps safely with a stack of letters tucked beneath his pillow, scripted by strangers who were there for him.”

    Because of experiences like this, Bencher firmly believes letter writing is an art form. She notes that the intentionality of sitting down with a piece of paper and pen and thinking about someone the whole way through writing a letter can’t be achieved when we have browsers open, texts/snaps coming in and social media updates dividing our attention. “(Letter writing) is an art form that does not bow down to the Goliath of ‘let’s go faster,’” she said.

    Love Letters in Real Life

    I’m guessing you don’t receive many love letters. I know I don’t. According to a 2021 CBS News article, nobody really does. 37% of Americans polled for the article said it’s been more than five years since they have written or received a personal letter. And more than one in five adults under age 45 have never written a personal letter. It seems maybe society has moved beyond the age of letter writing.

    But think about the last time you found a handwritten envelope amidst the credit card applications and campaign ads in your snail-mail box. Did you get a warm feeling knowing someone took the time to reach out to you? And on that rare occasion that you send a handwritten card to a friend or tuck a love note in your hubby’s lunchbox, do you get a tiny surge of adrenaline as you imagine the person you love reading the words that you wrote?

    It’s hard to slow down long enough to share our love with someone in this fast-paced world, but maybe a notebook and a pen are exactly what we need to do so. Maybe we should consider adding letter writing to our routine.

    Prolific author Mary Potter Kenyon has included letter-writing in her regular routine for decades and even wrote a book about it. Mary & Me: A Lasting Link Through Ink (co-authored by Mary Jedlicka Humston) details a decades-long friendship retained through weekly letter writing. 

    When Mary recently remarried after over a decade of widowhood, she told her husband that the perfect birthday gift to her would be the gift of his words. “I told him, ‘the best gift you could ever give me is your words written on paper. I want you to write how you feel about me, or what I mean to you.’ He thought it was kind of silly, but he does it now,” she said.

    Though it doesn’t come easy to him, he writes her notes on special occasions, and Mary treasures them all, keeping them in a prominent location so she can reread them. Something texts and emails just don’t allow. 

    The Bible as a Love Letter

    The Bible is often described as God’s love letter to us. The entirety of the God-breathed text of Scripture is his way of reaching out to a sinful world with his story of sacrificial love for us. It’s a book filled with words we can read and reread, each time knowing the God of the universe cares deeply for us. A letter that is written broadly to all of humanity but that is alive and active (Hebrews 4:12 NIV) in a way that allows it to reach each individual in personal ways.

    Within the text of the Bible are many individual letters. Letters written to admonish, encourage, teach, and comfort. Laura Boyle of the Jane Austen Center even suggests that the love letter’s earliest manifestation may perhaps be the Bible’s Song of Solomon.

    If love letters have proven benefits, if we personally find joy in reading someone’s handwritten words to us, and if God uses his words on paper to reach generation after generation of his creation, maybe we should consider how we can add this ancient form of communication back into our daily lives.

    Who can you write a letter to today?

    Photo Credit: ©SWN

    Kim Harms is an author, speaker, and part-time librarian with two decades of freelance writing experience. She has a degree in English from Iowa State University. She is married to an adventure-lover, and together they have three super-awesome sons, but only the youngest still lives at home. Her book, Life Reconstructed: Navigating the World of Mastectomies and Breast Reconstruction, is a guide for women walking the breast cancer road. She also offers breast cancer resources at her website, kimharms.net. She can be found on Instagram @kimharmslifereconstructed where it turns out that her dog is way more popular than she is, raking in the views when he is the star of her reels.

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  • Is “Children, Obey Your Parents” Meant for Adult Children?

    Is “Children, Obey Your Parents” Meant for Adult Children?

    Ephesians 6:1 tells us, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.” This passage connects with Deuteronomy 5:16, “Honor your father and your mother, as the Lord your God has commanded you, so that you may live long and that it may go well with you in the land the Lord your God is giving you.” As we can tell from these passages of Scripture, children are told to obey their parents in the Lord, but what does this mean for adult children?

    Obedience “in the Lord”

    When God tells us to obey our parents, He tells us to obey our parents in the Lord. This means we only obey our parents in the realm that is in accordance with His teachings in the Bible. If our parents tell us to do something that is not in accordance with the Bible, we don’t have to obey them. As an example, if our parents tell us to hurt ourselves, hurt someone else, or lie for them, this isn’t right. We are not bound to follow these rules. If a parent ever tells you to do something that goes against Scripture, you are not bound to follow what they tell you.

    We know we are to obey our parents in the Lord as we are children, but what about when we are adults? Are we still bound to obey our parents? The answer is the same—even as adult children, we are to obey our parents in the Lord. No matter how old we get, we are still supposed to obey our parents in the Lord. The key words here, yet again, are “in the Lord.” We are not called to obey our parents in everything they ask us to do. If their requests and wants don’t align with the Bible and the purpose God has for our lives, we don’t have to obey them. Even though our parents are our parents, their say-so and decisions aren’t more powerful than what God tells us in His Word.

    God’s Word is our perfect guidebook to help us make the right decisions. If we follow God’s teachings in His Word, we can better serve God and stay fully devoted to Him. We all have earthly fathers, though many of our earthly fathers fail us. Either we never knew them, they left, or they are emotionally detached. While this is all too common with earthly fathers, God is our Heavenly Father, and He is always there for us and never leaves. He loves us far more than any earthly father could. God’s love for us cannot be measured, nor can it be contained. 

    Since God’s love for us is so great, we can know we can obey His teaching in the Bible. God is love, which means He loves us unconditionally and eternally. He is the exact embodiment of love. We know we can trust in the Lord and obey Him because He loves us. The teachings in the Bible are there to help us, not hinder us. While our parents might give us bad teachings or immoral rules to follow, we can always trust in God’s teachings as outlined in the Bible. He doesn’t ever do anything to hurt or harm us. The Lord is always there for us, and He desires our growth in Him.

    Complicated Situations

    Some of our parents can be quite tricky when it comes to the matter of obedience, so we need to always weigh what they say against Scripture. Even as adults, we are to obey our parents in the Lord, but we don’t have to obey them if they tell us to do something that isn’t right. Many parents have a hard time letting their adult children make their own decisions and can be controlling, even suffocating at times. Some teachings, rules, and restraints your parents have placed upon you might be unreasonable, but know that you don’t have to obey them unless they are in accordance with God’s Word. 

    As an example, while my mom was still alive, her rule for my sisters and me was that we couldn’t move out until we got married. While this was a common practice for people in my family, I never could fathom the idea of waiting until I was married to move out. In fact, marriage was never on my mind, so the idea of waiting to be married to move out felt like hanging doom over my head. From this rule set forth by my mother, I couldn’t move out unless I was no longer single. I remember being a teen when my mother said this, and while I was walking back to the living room with my sisters, I told them “I guess I’m never leaving home.” While it has continued to be a joke between my sisters and me, it was a scary idea to me at the time.

    To have the rule brought forth that you couldn’t leave your parents’ house unless you were married was unreasonable. Nowhere in the Bible are we told that we must be married before moving out. Therefore, since this rule is not biblically sound, there is no reason why my sisters and I have to follow it. Rather, a more appropriate rule should have been, “once you are financially stable, you can move out.” Having marriage as a precondition to moving out should not be enforced upon anyone’s head. If anything, it makes you feel as if you’re not capable of living on your own unless you have a spouse.

    Maybe you have had a similar rule in your household growing up, or maybe you still have those same rules pressed on you even though you are an adult. While being an adult does mean you make many more of your own decisions, you are still to obey your parents in the Lord. We should always respect our parents and be courteous to them even if they don’t act the same way back. Most of the time, if we defy a parent’s unbiblical rule or teaching, they become upset, even angry, with us. This is when we need to tell our parents that their rule or teaching is not in accordance with the Bible, which means we, as their children are not under obligation to obey it.

    Need for Respect

    When you address your parent(s) on these issues, you need to be respectful. Don’t be rude or sassy to your parents. Instead, show them proper respect and point them to what God says about the matter in the Bible. Parents like to think they know best, and to an extent, they can help us in many ways, but they are not God. Even if they give us great advice, only God knows best. It is always the best course of action to follow what God says rather than what other people say. If a parent makes a rule, such as not lying, this is in accordance with the Bible, and thus, we still need to maintain this rule even as an adult. However, we are never obligated to follow a parent’s teaching if it goes against God’s Word.

    Thus, we are to obey our parents in the Lord, even as adult children. When the Bible tells us to obey our parents in the Lord, it means we are only obligated to do the things they ask that align with the Bible. If what they tell us to do is not biblically based, then we are not obligated to obey them. Even as adults, we must obey our parents in the Lord. This is right, and it pleases God when we obey Him. 

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/imtmphoto

    Vivian Bricker loves Jesus, studying the Word of God, and helping others in their walk with Christ. She has earned a Bachelor of Arts and Master’s degree in Christian Ministry with a deep academic emphasis in theology. Her favorite things to do are spending time with her family and friends, reading, and spending time outside. When she is not writing, she is embarking on other adventures.

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  • Godly Ways to Recover from a Big Mistake

    Godly Ways to Recover from a Big Mistake

    Sin can be so costly that the tragedy is unrecoverable, making us feel like we’ve crashed and can’t get back to where we were. We can do more harm to ourselves by dwelling on why we messed up. Our mind, particularly Satan, fools us into believing it’s irrevocable, that we can’t move on.

    Why Do Christians Make Big Mistakes?

    One of the main reasons Christians make blunders of varying magnitude is that God has given man the freedom to do anything he wants. In other words, God has given man the ability to make choices. 

    People frequently pray to God but are not patient enough to wait for His response and choose to blaze their own trail. God does not stand in the way of someone who has decided to do something, even if that person has asked for God’s direction but then continues to do whatever they wish. 

    Our bad choices cause us anguish and grief. However, when a Christian acknowledges that he has made a mistake, that individual seeks God’s assistance. 

    Sincere repentance deepens a Christian’s relationship with God and cultivates a stronger relationship. Even if making mistakes is undesirable, when they occur, the Christian has the grace to exercise his confidence in God’s promises. 

    Sometimes, afflictions or temptations may arise as a test of the graces or virtues of men. It doesn’t necessarily mean every trial comes because of sins or mistakes. However, if sin is not acknowledged, a believer is typically put under pressure and made to bear the consequences of his actions by undergoing trials. A “trial” is a hardship that puts the strength and faith of a Christian to the test. 

    1 Peter 1:7 “That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it is tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honor and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ:”

    God does not want Christians to be victims of their own faults, but when they are, He is dedicated to seeing them through. 

    James 1:13 “Let no man say when he is tempted, “I am tempted of God: for God cannot be tempted with evil, neither tempteth he any man:” God never tempts anyone. But people’s lusts and passions lead to mistakes and temptations that overwhelm us.

    Christians must study the Bible diligently and patiently listen to the direction of the Holy Spirit to grasp God’s plan before making decisions, and our approach to studying the Word of God matters if we are to hear from the Holy Spirit. The Scriptures should be read in prayer to prepare our hearts to hear from God. Prayer is required both before and after reading God’s Word because the devil is ready to misinterpret or steal the message a Christian can receive from the Bible.

    It is reassuring to know that God does not abandon us after we have committed sins that may cause anguish and discomfort. Hebrews 10:23 says, “Let us hold fast the profession of our faith without wavering; for he is faithful that promised….” 

    God is faithful to keep His promises to which we turn with all our effort when we make costly mistakes. 

    Here are a few practical pointers on how to effectively recover–and grow stronger–after making a wrong decision:

    1. Accept Responsibility 

    It’s unfortunate if events don’t turn out how you intended, someone you relied on lets you down, or you have a bad day.

    When you stumble, you must make it clear to those affected by your error that you understand the magnitude of your mistake and accept responsibility. 

    If this mistake happened at your workplace, it is most appropriate for you to request a meeting to discuss the problem. Also, ensure that you maintain a professional tone focusing on the way forward rather than being sorry without a clear goal. Before talking about the mistake, prepare extensively by exploring the cause of the problem and writing down some key takeaways before the meeting. 

    If this mistake occurred in other aspects of your life, it is important that you boldly and penitently admit your faults. Take time to sit with those you’ve hurt (intentionally or not) and have the courage to look them in the eye and apologize. Take responsibility and accept the consequences of your errors. Understand the feelings of the people affected by your misdeeds while also accepting the process of improvement.

    2. Forgive Yourself

    After owning up to your faults and asking forgiveness from the people you wronged or were affected by your mistake, you also need to forgive yourself. Although it may sound cliche, thinking through your mistake, admitting it, and moving on will have an effect on how you press forward. 

    We are all humans, and we are all capable of making mistakes under different circumstances. It may sometimes appear that your lapse of judgment has harmed your confidence. This can hurt your career or relationships with others around you, but you should strive to focus on the positive aspects of yourself rather than the negative ones. Allow yourself to consciously forgive yourself for the error.

    3. Fix It (If Possible)

    Mistakes, even blatant sins, frequently have unintended consequences, and pretending they did not occur is not only risky for human relationships but destructive in your relationship with God. Don’t just walk away from your errors like they never mattered. As a matter of fact, you can’t recover until you make amends—at least as much as possible.

    Making amends entails going to the person harmed by your error and accepting responsibility. It also implies publicly owning the mistake where appropriate, doing your best to right the wrong, and fixing the problem your mistake has caused. 

    4. Resolve the Root Cause 

    Consider what caused the mistake and what you did to contribute to the problem. Understand that external circumstances cannot teach you anything; therefore, disregard them.

    The most crucial aspect of admitting responsibility and avoiding the long-term consequences of your blunder is devising a strategy to prevent a future recurrence. Search for sources of weakness in your process, approach, or actions while you are investigating and thoroughly understanding the situation.

    You could put checks and balances in place to warn you before a similar error is made. Come up with a backup plan to remedy any harm before the person leaves. 

    Also, devise a way to resolve such matters should they recur in the future.

    Improving your manners, attitude, and work methods will demonstrate to colleagues and people around you, both at work and in your personal life, that you are still a good and reliable person. And more importantly, this will assist you in regaining your confidence.

    If you take time to critically study your mistakes, you will notice trends in your behavior or approach that contributed to these errors. And once you know it, you’re well on your way to breaking the cycle. The worst life mistakes are the ones that you keep making.

    As a Christian, you should strive not to make the same blunders twice; not only should you learn from your sins, but you should also develop new processes to ensure they don’t happen again. And most importantly, don’t dwell on them; we’re all humans.

    5. Live Beyond Your Mistakes

    Your past might make you afraid to live in the future, but continue to boost your confidence by establishing more challenging goals or taking on new projects. Set your primary goals, but add another if you exceed your primary goal. Try to lead the work project once more. Extend a coffee invitation to the person you hurt. These tough, humbling actions will demonstrate initiative. 

    (However, be prayerful and patient for when the timing is right to make these bolder choices.)

    But achieving these objectives or completing a new project will make you feel competent again and restore your confidence and trust in your ability to be forgiven and move forward in Christ.

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/AndreyPopov

    Emmanuel Abimbola is a creative freelance writer, blogger, and web designer. He is a devout Christian with an uncompromising faith who hails from Ondo State in Nigeria, West Africa. As a lover of kids, Emmanuel runs a small elementary school in Arigidi, Nigeria.

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  • What Are Fake Christians and How Do We Know When We See One?

    What Are Fake Christians and How Do We Know When We See One?

    When I was in middle school, it was considered one of the biggest offenses to be told that you were a “poser.” This would imply that you’re trying to be someone you weren’t in an effort to impress others. For example—if a guy claimed he was a jock and even dressed one, but he had zero athletic skills, then he was a poser. Perhaps he wanted the attention from girls that being a jock could attract. Sadly, “posers” aren’t just found in middle school; there are some who have crept into today’s church, pretending to be a Christian. So what exactly are fake Christians, and how do we know when we see one?

    What Are Fake Christians?

    The term “fake Christian” may bring to your mind an image of someone who is a hypocrite. Although there are plenty of hypocritical Christians, we need to break this term down in order to accurately define what it means.

    We know that the word fake suggests inauthenticity. Counterfeits.

    A Christian is someone who has accepted Jesus Christ as his or her Lord and Savior. This person is considered saved, or “born again,” because they have applied the principle found in Romans 10:9: “If you openly declare that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.” The underlying factor that differentiates believers from nonbelievers is the Holy Spirit that abides within us, according to Ephesians 1:13: “And when you believed in Christ, he identified you as his own by giving you the Holy Spirit, whom he promised long ago.”

    With these two definitions in mind, we can define a fake Christian as being one who has not genuinely been born again, and yet they put on the persona as though they have.

    Perhaps this person chose to wear the Christian title so they could profit off that reputation (similar to those jock posers back in middle school). All of us have likely, at one time or another, attempted to fit in with a certain crowd. If an unbeliever discovered they could gain a certain kind of acceptance through “fitting in” with a church crowd or Christian industry, they may have preferred to wear a church mask rather than actually accepting Christ into their heart.

    But if someone wanted the acceptance, or the benefits, that come from being a Christian, why wouldn’t they—you know, actually become a Christian? One reason is that they may not believe in the message of the cross. 1 Corinthians 1:18 reminds us that “The message of the cross is foolish to those who are headed for destruction! But we who are being saved know it is the very power of God.”

    Another reason is that, while they may relish in their false Christian appearance, they are ultimately not willing to dedicate their hearts and lives to God. Being a true Christian would involve sacrificing their ungodly lifestyle—or else they’d continue that lifestyle and live with the guilt. The enemy is a deceiver, and he attempts to make Christianity look like bondage to unbelievers so they will choose to remain “free” to live for him instead.

    To summarize, fake Christians are those who have chosen a saved appearance rather than a saved heart. They care more about their status through the eyes of the church, their family, or a Christian industry rather than their status through the eyes of God.

    What Is an Authentic Christian?

    An authentic Christian, on the other hand, is one who has accepted Christ as his or her Savior. The light of the Holy Spirit abides within this person. Matthew 7:20 provides an indication of how we can identify an authentic Christian: “Yes, just as you can identify a tree by its fruit, so you can identify people by their actions.”

    The speech and actions of these authentic Christians overflow with fruit of the Spirit, because Galatians 5:22-23 tells us, “But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!”

    In addition, those whose hearts are abandoned to God have a concern for matters that concern Him and a hatred toward evil. James 1:27 tells us that “Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you.”

    This doesn’t mean that these authentic Christians do not commit sin; after all, Jesus is the only sinless human who walked the earth (1 Peter 2:22, 2 Corinthians 5:21, 1 John 3:5, Hebrews 4:15). Rather, when true believers commit sin, they are convicted by the Holy Spirit (see John 16:8) and live a life of repentance. They are set free from living in bondage to sin and have been purified by the blood of the Lamb. 

    Because believers know that we will someday give an account for the way we lived our lives (2 Corinthians 5:10), authentic Christians strive to serve God and obey His Word. They understand that God’s opinion carries more weight than man’s because Galatians 1:10 reminds us, “If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ’s servant.”

    What Is the Difference between Fake Christians and Wayward Christians?

    Thankfully, our salvation is not determined by works but by faith (Galatians 2:21). Otherwise, no one would be worthy enough to stand before God in eternity! 

    With this in mind, let’s be careful not to assume someone is a “fake Christian” because of their struggle with sin. As humans, we tend to “look on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart” (see 1 Samuel 16:7). God is the One who will ultimately determine a person’s eternal fate. James 4:12 reminds us, “There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the One who is able to save and to destroy; but who are you who judge your neighbor?”

    There are those within the church who have genuinely accepted Christ as their Savior and once committed their lives to Him but have since strayed from following His Word. Perhaps this Christian goes to church weekly, prays occasionally, and even loves God—but their love for Him is not reflected in the way they live, speak, or make daily decisions.

    When we spot these Christians, let’s refrain from passing judgment and instead extend godly love toward them, praying that the Holy Spirit will convict them. We can also pray about how we can play a role in leading that person back to the truth. James 5:19 says, “My dear brothers and sisters, if someone among you wanders away from the truth and is brought back, you can be sure that whoever brings the sinner back from wandering will save that person from death and bring about the forgiveness of many sins.”

    Does Scripture Address the Idea of Fake Christians?

    Scripture makes it clear that there are those who will call themselves Christians on earth, but when they reach eternity, their hearts and true intentions will be revealed.

    Matthew 7:21-23 says, “Not everyone who calls out to me, ‘Lord! Lord!’ will enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Only those who actually do the will of my Father in heaven will enter.  On judgment day many will say to me, ‘Lord! Lord! We prophesied in your name and cast out demons in your name and performed many miracles in your name.’ But I will reply, ‘I never knew you. Get away from me, you who break God’s laws.’”

    We also know that God despises a kind of Christianity in which a person is not committed to a godly lifestyle. “Straddling the fence” should never be an option for the true believer. Revelation 3:15-16 says, “I know all the things you do, that you are neither hot nor cold. I wish that you were one or the other! But since you are like lukewarm water, neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth!” 

    Remember Judas Iscariot? He was once considered an apostle of Jesus, but his true motives were soon revealed. When he betrayed Jesus, it was proven that he was more interested in what he could gain from Jesus rather than how he could serve him. It is believed that Judas had a financial intention behind betraying Jesus (see Matthew 26:14-15).

    Sadly, there are still many Judas Iscariots within the church today—people who perform like a Christ-follower and may even be well-versed in “Christianese,” and yet their motives are purely for fleshly gain rather than spiritual gain. 

    How to Spot Fake Christians

    Let’s ask the following scriptural questions:

    Does this person love this world and the things it offers them? 

    1 John 2:25 says, “Do not love this world nor the things it offers you, for when you love the world, you do not have the love of the Father in you.”

    Does this person love other believers?

    1 John 3:14 says, “If we love our brothers and sisters who are believers, it proves that we have passed from death to life. But a person who has no love is still dead.”

    Does this person bear fruits of the spirit, as addressed in Galatians 5:22-23?

    Healthy fruits are an indication that a person is attached to the vine (John 15:5).

    Does this person live according to the flesh or the spirit (Romans 8:13)?

    Do they express works of the flesh as addressed in Galatians 5:19-21 (such as drunkenness, sexual immorality, divisions, etc.)? We are told, in this passage, that “those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.” In addition, Jesus says in Mark 7:20-23, “’What comes out of a person is what defiles him. For from within, out of the heart of man, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, coveting, wickedness, deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride, foolishness. All these evil things come from within, and they defile a person.’”

    Does this person possess a genuine fear of God? 

    Proverbs 14:2 says, “He who walks in his uprightness fears the Lord, but he who is devious in his ways despises Him.”

    Does this person teach a false gospel?

    By false gospel I mean one that is “a different doctrine and does not agree with the sound words of our Lord Jesus Christ” (1 Timothy 6:3-5)?

    Does this person’s faith rest “in the wisdom of men” or in “the power of God”? (1 Corinthians 2:5)

    Lastly, does this person overflow with the love of God as addressed in 1 Corinthians 13:2? And is this a worldly kind of love that tolerates sin, or is it the godly type of love that extends compassion on everyone but holds righteous anger toward sin?

    Again, let’s be slow to judge and refrain from tossing accusations toward someone who claims to be a believer. After all, godly love is the kind that “bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things” (1 Corinthians 13:6-7).

    We can, however, use wisdom and discernment to take heed of red flags when we see them. But this does not give us the right to gossip about someone within a congregation. Instead, we can find reassurance in the truth laid out in, Ecclesiastes 12:14, which says, “For God will bring every deed into judgment, with every secret thing, whether good or evil.” 

    This isn’t to say we are not held accountable to speak up about obvious sin within the church (see 1 Corinthians 5:12). Let’s do this from a place of godly love rather than a “holier-than-thou” attitude like the Pharisee did in the parable found in Luke 18:9-13:

    “The Pharisee stood by himself and prayed this prayer: ‘I thank you, God, that I am not like other people—cheaters, sinners, adulterers. I’m certainly not like that tax collector!”

    After all, the one whom you may deem as fake could be someone whose struggle with sin is merely more obvious than yours. So rather than pointing fingers, let’s invest most of our energy into our own faith journey, determined that we will be known as a passionate follower of Christ.

    The godly love we extend toward believers and non-believers alike speaks volumes louder than our Christian title. In fact, the loyalty and devotion we express toward God and others could be the very thing that leads those “fake Christians” to Christ.

    Tessa Emily Hall is an award-winning author who wrote her debut novel when she was sixteen. She is now a multi-published author of both fiction and non-fiction inspirational yet authentic books for teens, including her latest release, LOVE YOUR SELFIE (October 2020, Ellie Claire). Tessa’s passion for shedding light on clean entertainment and media for teens led her to a career as a Literary Agent at Cyle Young Literary Elite, YA Acquisitions Editor for Illuminate YA (LPC Imprint), and Founder/Editor of PursueMagazine.net. She is guilty of making way too many lattes and never finishing her to-read list. When her fingers aren’t flying 128 WPM across the keyboard, she can be found speaking to teens, teaching at writing conferences, and acting in Christian films. Her favorite way to procrastinate is to connect with readers is on her mailing list, social media (@tessaemilyhall), and website: www.tessaemilyhall.com.

    This article is part of our larger resource library of Christian practices and disciplines important to the Christian faith. From speaking in tongues to tithing & baptism, we want to provide easy to read and understand articles that answer your questions about Christian living.

    10 Things to Know about Speaking in Tongues
    The Fruit of the Spirit – What Are They?
    What Is the Tithe?
    What Is the Sabbath and Is it Still Important?
    Baptism – What Does it Mean and Why Is it Important?

    Communion – 10 Important Things to Remember
    Armor of God – What Is it and How to Use It
    What Does it Mean to Be Righteous?
    What Is Christening?
    What Is Submission?

    Tessa Emily Hall

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  • 5 Things Adult Children Wish Their Parents Understood

    5 Things Adult Children Wish Their Parents Understood

    Growing up can be hard. While we are children, we don’t fully understand how our parents’ actions, words, and behavior can affect us. As adults, the way our parents treat us can also deeply affect us. In retrospect, as adults, we can often think of many things we wish our parents would understand. While some of our parents may never try to understand, here are five things adult children wish their parents understood:

    1. Your Standards Are Too High

    One thing that adult children wish their parents understood is that their standards are too high. Growing up, my mother’s standards placed upon my sisters and me were unattainable. Maybe you experienced something similar as you were growing up. My mother’s standard was perfection and anything short of perfection was treated as a failure. As a child and a teen, I didn’t think her standards were unreasonable because it’s all I ever knew. Now, as an adult, I recognize that the standards my mother placed on my sisters and me were too high. Instead of being told that what we did wasn’t “good enough,” we needed to be supported and encouraged.

    What our parents say to us does affect us deeply in many ways. If our parents constantly tell us we are not “good enough” or that we are a “failure,” how are we expected to grow? Sadly, some adult children can continue this behavior when their children become adults. Adult children need to be reminded that they are enough and that they are loved. If you are a parent and have recognized that you have set the standards for your children too high, take a step back and analyze how your words and actions have affected your child. Once you have noticed how your standards have impacted your child, refrain from setting impossible standards. 

    Nobody is perfect, and it is unreasonable to think anyone can be perfect. Adult children can notice their parents’ standards are too high when their parents make comments such as “You should be finished with college by now,” “You should be married by now,” and “You should have children by now.” All of these standards and remarks only do damage. They do nothing to help. If you want to be supportive of your adult child, tell them how proud you are of their accomplishments, even if they don’t necessarily meet the standards you had placed on them. 

    2. I Wish You Were Proud of Me

    A second thing adult children wish their parents would understand is that they wish their parents were proud of them. Similar to the previous point, many adult children see or feel their parents have never been proud of them. From personal experience, I have never felt my parents were proud of me. I have always wanted them to be, yet they have never been. Since I wasn’t good at the things they wanted me to be, such as playing the piano, artwork, or conforming to others’ social standards, they weren’t proud of me. As children and even as adult children, it is important to tell your children you are proud of them.

    My mom passed away a long time ago, and I will never know if she was ever proud of me. She never told me she was proud of me, nor did I ever feel she was proud of me. Instead, I felt she was disappointed and ashamed of me. If you have felt the same way, you know how painful it can be and how much it can affect you as a person. Even as an adult now, I have never heard my surviving parent tell me he is proud of me. Does it affect me? Of course. I would be lying to say it doesn’t affect me. If you are a parent reading this, make sure you tell your adult children how proud you are of them. 

    3. You Have Hurt Me

    A third thing adult children wish their parents understood is that their parents have hurt them. As children and even as adults, it can be extremely difficult to tell a parent that they have hurt you. Some parents will dismiss your pain and hurt, which will only add more pain and hurt to your heart. Many things that my mom and dad said to me have hurt me. Being called an “extra” child or “Judas Iscariot” by my mother when I was going through an intense time of anorexia has paralyzed me in many ways. I have had many people try to dismiss the pain I’ve experienced from what my mom has said, but I encourage everyone to never invalidate someone else’s feelings. It doesn’t help them but rather forces them to just “get over it.”

    Adult children can still be hurt by many things of the past and parents can still hurt their adult children in the present. We need to only say things that will build each other up. We never need to tear down others with our words. Parents need to know better and use their words wisely. Everybody’s tongue has the power of life and death, yet it is up to us to choose what we will use our words for. If you are a parent, acknowledge that you have hurt your child and be supportive. While you may have never physically hurt your child, emotional and mental hurt can be just as traumatizing and damaging. 

    4. You Pushed Me Away When I Needed Help

    A fourth thing adult children wish their parents understood is that parents can push children away when they need help. There again, drawing from my own experience, my mother mostly tended to push me away when I needed help. I have had depression since I was thirteen years old, and when I tried to go to my mother for help, she dismissed me. She told me I needed to get over my “pity party” and start being happy. I was labeled ungrateful and unthankful. If you suffer from depression, you have probably had the same remarks made to you. As you know, they are not helpful. Children and adult children need their parents not to push them away but rather to be there by their side in their struggle—even if the parent doesn’t fully understand what their child is enduring.

    Many parents continue to push their children away even in adulthood. It is vital that you don’t do this because you can permanently hurt your child and damage the relationship you have with them. Instead of pushing them away, draw them near and offer them help. Even as adults, we still need our parents’ support, particularly through difficult times, such as mental illnesses, terminal illnesses, or the ending of relationships. We all need help at times and our parents must encourage and support us rather than push us away. 

    5. I Can Make My Own Decisions Now 

    A fifth thing adult children wish their parents understood is that we can make our own decisions now. Many parents try to control their adult children’s decisions, which can negatively affect their children. Instead of trying to make decisions for your adult child, let them make their own. Give them the freedom to make their own decisions and make their own path. While children appreciate their parents’ advice, they also need the freedom to make their own decisions. When we become adults, we have more serious decisions to make, such as buying a home, choosing a career, and how we will serve the Lord. 

    Even though parents might think they know best, parents need to allow their children the freedom to make their own decisions. Some decisions might not be the best, yet some decisions can be learning experiences. As much as parents would like to always make sure their adult children make the right decision, it cannot be promised. Every person has free will and with that free will, they can make their own decision. If you are a parent, allow your adult children to make their own decisions and refrain from saying anything negative unless their decision is something that goes against the Word of God. 

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/fizkes

    Vivian Bricker loves Jesus, studying the Word of God, and helping others in their walk with Christ. She has earned a Bachelor of Arts and Master’s degree in Christian Ministry with a deep academic emphasis in theology. Her favorite things to do are spending time with her family and friends, reading, and spending time outside. When she is not writing, she is embarking on other adventures.

    Vivian Bricker

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