“I hate the way you talk to me, And the way you cut your hair. / I hate the way you drive my car, I hate it when you stare. / I hate your big dumb combat boots, and the way you read my mind. / I hate you so much it makes me sick, It even makes me rhyme. / I hate the way you’re always right, I hate it when you lie. / I hate it when you make me laugh, Even worse when you make me cry. / I hate it when you’re not around, And the fact that you didn’t call. / But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you, Not even close, Not even a little bit, Not even at all.”
Tag: American writers
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Barack Obama Releases Summer List Of Favorite Things To Masturbate To
WASHINGTON—Writing that it was incredibly hard to choose from all the beautiful work that had brought him so much pleasure, former President Barack Obama took to social media Thursday to release his summer list of favorite things to masturbate to. “I’ve read, watched, and listened to a lot of amazing things this year and wanted to share some of the ones that made me orgasm the hardest,” said the 44th president of the United States, adding that he hoped Americans would enjoy furiously pleasuring themselves to his favorite things as much as he had so far in 2023. “Abbott Elementary. PornHub has some really great stepmom-surprises-stepson content. Drone strike videos. The 1993 October Playboy featuring the girls of the PAC-10. The official White House portrait of Barbara Bush. Our beautiful National Parks System. Also, botanical gardens. And I might be a little biased on this one, but Michelle Obama’s feet as well as her book The Light We Carry. What do you have in your spank bank?” At press time, Barack Obama could not be reached for comment because he was reportedly hard at work lubing up his hand and researching the official “Barack Obama’s Summer 2024 Jerk-Off List.”
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Fox News Viewers React To Tucker Carlson’s Exit
“This is a HUGE victory for American PATRIOTS…somehow. Because now Tucker can FINALLY SAY WHAT HE WANTS, which I guess he wasn’t doing before? Honestly, it seemed like he pretty much did and said whatever he wanted and it worked out pretty well, but now the DEEP STATE can’t MUZZLE TUCKER anymore, although frankly that didn’t seem to be the case previously? I mean, any honest reading of the situation would have to reckon with the reality that Tucker’s prominence at the network basically emboldened him to make whatever claims he wanted, although maybe the financial repercussions in this case finally worked against him. So that’s pretty much a matter of the market, rather than any issue with free speech. Which is why I am not totally sure why this is a GLORIOUS DAY for FREE SPEECH and REAL AMERICANS, but it definitely, totally, somehow is.”
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Donald Glover Confirms Barron Trump Will Be Writing On ‘Swarm’ Season 2
LOS ANGELES—Stating that his latest hire was sure to take the storyline in fascinating new directions, Donald Glover confirmed Friday that Barron Trump would be a writer on the second season of Swarm. “Barron brings a lot to the table, and we’re sure he’ll be an indispensable presence in our writers room next season,” said Glover, explaining that he and his co-creator Janine Nabers were blown away after reading the former president’s son’s Atlanta spec script. “I think the unique life experience Barron has had will give him a lot of insight into the mind of a young Houston woman who has endured a series of dead-end jobs, maxed out her credit cards, and worked as an exotic dancer. It’s honestly a complete coincidence that his father is Donald Trump; he was hands-down the best working professional writer we could find anywhere.” At press time, Glover confirmed that he had hired Hunter Biden to do joke punch-ups on the show.
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Obama Reveals His NCAA Tournament Bracket Winner Is ‘Song Of Solomon’ By Toni Morrison
WASHINGTON—In a social media post sharing his predictions, former President Barack Obama revealed Friday that the winner he had picked for his NCAA basketball tournament bracket was Song Of Solomon by Toni Morrison. “March Madness is here, and this season, my money’s on Song Of Solomon—though I’m certainly keeping my eye on Emily The Criminal and the musical stylings of singer-songwriter Maggie Rogers,” said Obama, whose selections for the Final Four also included the Hulu miniseries Mrs. America, Beyoncé’s Renaissance, and Bob Dylan’s entire songwriting catalog. “Song Of Solomon is an underdog, that’s for sure, but with a National Book Critics Circle Award under its belt, this may be its year. I’m predicting it crushes Nomadland in the second round, easy, but it will still need to get past Jason Isbell if he makes it to the Sweet Sixteen again. As for the women’s tournament, I’m rooting for the National Park System.” At press time, Song of Solomon had been knocked out of the tournament by Gonzaga.
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ABC Reveals All ‘GMA’ Anchors Have Been Castrated
NEW YORK—Saying the hosts’ personal lives had become a distraction that threatened the program’s journalistic integrity, ABC News president Kimberly Godwin announced Friday that all Good Morning America anchors had been castrated. “At GMA, genitals aren’t what’s important—what’s important is reporting the news,” said Godwin, who confirmed that all on-air talent—including T.J. Holmes, Amy Robach, George Stephanopoulos, Robin Roberts, and Michael Strahan—had undergone either surgical castration to remove their testicles or chemical castration to reduce their libido, depending on their sex. “I want to be clear that this is not about punishing anyone. It’s about professionalism. To preserve our reputation as a news outlet, we must be 100% certain no GMA anchor ever again has sex outside their marriage.” At press time, Godwin had reportedly responded to the casual flirtation of two correspondents by separating them and moving their desks to opposite sides of the newsroom.
