Science Says (Sometimes) Going Easy On Yourself Makes You More Likely to Achieve Your Biggest Goals

Where responding to a setback on the path towards achieving a huge goal is concerned, most people tend to fall somewhere inside these two extremes:

1. You think, “I’m better than this,” and are really hard on yourself.
2. You think, “No one’s perfect,” and give yourself a break.

Over the long term, which mindset do you think leads to higher levels of achievement? If you’re like the vast majority of the people I polled on LinkedIn, you choose choose “really hard on myself.” Makes sense: a relentless drive for perfection is the key to self-improvement. Not being too had on yourself? Accepting anything less than excellence? Saying, “That’s okay. I tried.”?

No self-respecting, hard-charging, success-oriented person thinks that way.

Except they do, especially if they want to achieve difficult goals.

According to a study published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, treating yourself with self-compassion — seeing weaknesses, failures, and mistakes as a natural part of life — better motivates people to improve weaknesses and improve performance.

As the researchers write, “These findings suggest that, somewhat paradoxically, taking an accepting approach to personal failure may make people more motivated to improve themselves.”

Granted, mental toughness builds the foundation for long-term success. But being hard on yourself won’t develop mental toughness. A study published in Self and Identity found that the increased stress that results from self-criticism actually increases procrastination. That’s a form of “mental toughness” no one can afford.

So what’s a better approach? Self compassion, blended with a little growth mindset.

Granted, self-compassion sounds a little too warm and fuzzy, especially for someone with my upbringing. Self-respect and self-regard, constantly reminding yourself that you not only could but should do better, keeps you pushing forward.

That’s where also embracing a growth mindset comes in. According to research on achievement and success by Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck, people tend to embrace one of two mental approaches to talent:

• Fixed mindset: The belief that intelligence, ability, and skill are inborn and relatively fixed–we “have” what we were born with. People with a fixed mindset typically say things like, “I’m just not that smart,” or “Math is not my thing.”
• Growth mindset: The belief that intelligence, ability, and skill can be developed through effort–we are what we work to become. People with a growth mindset typically say things like, “If I keep working, I’ll get it,” or “That’s okay. I just need to keep trying.”

No matter how high your self-esteem, when assume that you are what you are, and the going gets tough, you start to feel helpless. What you “are” isn’t good enough. When you think that, you put things off. Or even stop trying. Why keep trying, when more effort won’t matter?

That’s why people with a growth mindset tend to go easier on themselves — but without easing their focus on improvement or achievement.

Instead of saying, “I should be better than this,” people with a growth mindset think, “That didn’t go perfectly. But that’s okay: I worked hard, learned a few things, and know what to do differently next time.”

Embracing self-compassion doesn’t mean relaxing standards or seeking to achieve “smaller” goals. Embracing self-compassion just means accepting that failure is a natural step on the road to eventual achievement. 

And that risks, especially to your self-esteem, aren’t something to avoid, because everyone makes mistakes. Everyone fails. The people who succeed, in whatever way they define “success,” are the people who find the motivation to keep trying.

Which, according to science, are the people who set hard goals.

And, counterintuitive as it may sound, go easy on themselves along the way, because one mistake or failure isn’t the end of the road.

It’s just part of the journey.