NEW YORK—Thanking the pathetic individual for helping end a scourge to the city’s streets, the City of New York announced Friday that Timothy Waller, a very sad man, had adopted all 500,000 of its feral cats. “Mr. Waller has gone above and beyond in helping to stem the tide of stray felines by offering to put up the entire half-million-strong street-cat population in his garden-level studio apartment,” said Mayor Eric Adams, who lauded the friendless man for coming to the rescue of the pack of stray and diseased cats by welcoming them into his “crushingly lonely existence.” “We owe a debt of gratitude to this pitiful New Yorker for believing—really honestly believing—that these cats might finally fill the gaping hole left in his life by the lack of any fulfilling relationships or romantic prospects whatsoever. He’ll immediately begin taking up responsibility for feeding and playing with them, which should be no problem, since he’s told us he has nothing better to do with his life. God, it just breaks your heart.” When pressed for comment, Waller insisted that the additional cats actually came at the perfect time given that he’d been looking for friends for the 200,000 other strays he already had.
