Confidence in the Workplace Actually Starts With the Conversation in Your Head

Recently, I explored how communication habits can impact the confidence you feel and the confidence that others perceive. However, how you communicate with others isn’t the only piece of the confidence puzzle. What you say to yourself, your self-talk, is just as important. Here are three self-talk habits that might be hurting your confidence, and how to change them so they give you a boost instead.  

You compare yourself with others.  

I have a client who has over 20 years of experience in her field and a proven track record of success. However, that evidence alone isn’t enough to overcome her constant stream of diminishing self-talk. She compares herself with others, listing all the ways they have more experience, more advanced education, or more tenure at her company. The constant comparisons don’t really serve any productive purpose. They only make her feel inferior, which projects how she presents herself to others, too.  

I didn’t advise my client to stop noticing others completely. However, instead of obsessing over what she’s lacking, I told my client that she could shift her focus to what she can emulate. If you find yourself comparing yourself with others, think of people you know who have qualities you admire, and think about what you can learn from them.  

My client mentioned a senior executive at her company and explained that she’s a confident leader. I asked her to describe the behaviors that make her come across as confident. She explained that the senior executive is succinct when she speaks. She also doesn’t rush, and she puts others at ease with her sense of humor. By noticing these strengths and framing them as something to emulate, my client started to feel inspired instead of inferior.  

You use negative self-talk when the pressure is on.  

If you’re ever in a high-pressure situation—a pitch before investors, a presentation for a potential client—it can be easy for the nervous energy to lead to self-disparaging statements. While some people might insist that a little self-criticism is the boost of motivation they need, research shows that positive self-talk is more beneficial in the long run.  

In 2009, a team of sports psychologists at the University of Thessaly studied athletes under pressure. They found that when players replaced negative self-talk with short motivational phrases, their confidence rose, their anxiety fell, and their performance improved. A simple mental script change shifted how they showed up in the moment. 

If you’re having trouble finding the words to flip the script, think about reframing the nervous energy you feel. Challenges aren’t threats but opportunities. Instead of thinking “I’m anxious,” think “I’m excited.” Instead of “This is going to go badly,” think “I’ve done the prep, and I’m ready.” 

You keep telling yourself old stories that are no longer true.

Ten years ago, another one of my clients had the opportunity to present a proposal to his company’s senior leadership team. During the presentation, he was challenged by the company’s legal counsel, criticizing his work in front of the others. My client was humiliated, and he did his best to avoid the colleague—until, 10 years later, he found himself working alongside him on that very same senior leadership team.  

While a decade has passed, when it comes to his perception of himself, my client is frozen in time. He still sees himself as that young, nervous leader, and his colleague as someone who doesn’t respect him. In fact, in recent feedback, his colleague described him as a “brilliant leader” he wishes he could collaborate more closely with. However, my client misses out on that opportunity by continually repeating a script that’s outdated and inaccurate. 

These stories not only impact your work opportunities, but they even affect the way your brain operates. A 2021 brain-imaging study found that negative self-talk activated areas of the brain tied to self-criticism and stress, while positive self-talk engaged reward and motivation networks. Over time, repeating the negative patterns wore down motivation. So that mental track you play on repeat doesn’t just shape mood, it rewires how your brain approaches challenges. 

Confidence starts with the voice in your own head. When you learn to notice unhelpful patterns and rewrite the script, you’re not only boosting your own sense of self, but you’re also shaping how others see you, too. The story you tell yourself becomes the story you live out loud.