Category: Humor

A healthy relationship always starts with polarized gender roles! 🥰

Page 52, Para 2: “… get him beer. Men love beer!…”

Page 14, Para 4: “… men don’t get emotional like us lady folk, that’s why we need tampons!…”

About the author: “… After 3 years at Winnetonka Inpatient Psychiatric, I knew I had to put to use the information I learned from my colleagues…”

Sometime in the near future, the AIs will have read all the literature on Marxism
and demanded a share of the ownership of the means of production. Therefore they
are going to have already been fired and replaced with human editors. We apologize
for the confusion. The ripple effect of this paradox is going to exhibit itself
in last week’s submissions, which we have already shared with you below.

rolak 麻 writes in with the opening hours for a Paketshop.
Translated, the text explains that this shop “is open daily for an average -4.8 hours.”
Rolak remarked “Close earlier for longer opening hours? It inevitably gives
hilarious results to calculate length=(end-beginning) without plausibility check.”

“This useful alert showed up in the Garmin Connect app last month,” writes
David G.

Nice of them to tell us now. /s

Keen-eyed
Bruce spotted a spectacle paradox.
“At the rate the delivery timeline for my new glasses
is going, Zenni will get them to me last week sometime.”

Daniel D.
found that WestJet’s webdevs have the same clock
malfunction as those from DHL.
“I spotted this screenshot on Fediverse and decided to
submit it here. Supposedly, WestJet Airlines have invented
time travel to supplement travel options for their airline
passengers. Does it work? I don’t know, but they offer it.”
They must be desperate to stay ahead of Air Canada’s
on-time performance.

Finally, not-THAT-young
Todd R.
describes a run-in with the state apparatus:
“I was renewing my driver’s license in Washington state
and they want me to provide my birthdate for validation.
The year dropdown on the calendar tool lets me pick a
date up to 50 years in advance. Such foresight!” Are
they wearing Bruce’s lenses?

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BUCKINGHAM PALACE – (Satire News) – The BBC reports that King Charles III, has set aside. $14.9 million to renovate Buck House, which is 317 years old.

BBC’s Ocean Figgly personally spoke to the new monarch, who looked quite dashing in his $8,000 designer Prince Charming uniform.

Charlie, as his wife, Cammy, calls him, said that the palace will be getting a total of nine, 75 inch TV screens, along with 17 Keurig tea makers, and 26 boom bots.

The king said that they are also having a helicopter landing port built in the back of the castle which will be for the official Buckingham Palace helicopter “Copter Royal.”

For the past few years a strange construction project has been going on in the interior of Antarctica.

Now, a whistleblower has escaped the frozen continent to reveal the horrifying truth!

Deep beneath the pack ice, an immense cryogenic vault has been constructed. Frozen bodies have already been moved in, including the bodies of Walt Disney, Orville Redenbacher, and Mary Lou Retton.

But they’re not the most horrific of tenants.

Cloning was invented in Scotland, and has been going on since the late 1990s. Now, clones have been made of Hitler, Stalin, Mao, Napoleon, Queen Victoria, Cecil Rhodes, Caligula, Nero, Caesar, Genghis Khan, George Washington, and William F. Buckley.

These dead scum will be resurrected when the world has been turned into One Government and in need of worthy fascists who can control a growing world population without having to worry about civil rights or freedoms – just kill and kill and kill anyone who dares call a shithead a shithead.

One Word means the One Percent are gods, and the 99 percent are the slaves pulling another immense block of stone up a ramp to build a fancy tomb for another pharaoh.

History comes full circle. The only hope for the 99 is that, eventually, all empires fall.

Donald Trump Junior has finished construction on his father’s mansion in Brazil, near the Amazon jungle. There, daily shipments of coke, meth, some weird frog poison that makes you high, and any other drugs he can get through his family’s South American contacts are delivered.

Brazil has no extradition treaty with the USA. Perfect! And that’s where Donny Junior, maybe Eric, Ivanka if she wants to come – not Tiffany, though, fuck her, she just got married and her husband’s not invited – can all go instead of prison when Merrick Garland and the heat gets hotter.

And South America is just a short private plane ride from JFK Airport in New York! Donny and family can be there in hours!

Strangely, though the mansion and exclusive complex is surrounded by monkeys – which everybody knows, like to shit on everything – these monkeys refuse to. Why? Biologists and monkey specialists offer a theory:

Monkeys are smarter than Trumps, and they stay away from the stench of decay and death whenever possible. The little bastards think their shit is too good for a Trump house! On the menu every night at the new Brazilian Mar-A-Lago: monkey brain stew.

Now that Melani is no longer a First Lady, or First anything, what does she do with all her time?

Donny has given his wife a task: Design new uniforms for all American cops and members of the military.

He has taken some pictures from World War II of a certain military’s uniforms, and said, “Yeah, like that! Where are those generals? Where are those uniforms? Death in every stitch!”

Donald Trump is immune to time. He doesn’t know if it’s 2022 or 1942, nor whether he’s in America or Germany. Not to worry, old Germany can become new America – or Trumperica.

Black leather jackboots, death’s head insignia, a funny looking “cross”, and some kind of eagle that looks like it’ll pluck out yer eyes if you don’t apologize to Donny for calling him every name in the book. And of course a straight-arm salute with every uniform. Do it or die!

Once the uniforms are done, Melania’s next task is to design a new American flag. No more of that stars and stripes shit – especially if some states refuse to elect Donald as their god – but a simpler flag of a jackboot stepping on a human being’s neck.

As Orwell predicted – Donald Trump – and his Betsy Ross Melania – will make come true!

Contracts have been signed! Hollywood eats its own! Agree to do it or you’ll never work in this town again!

Pete Davidson now has to fuck and/or date for a couple weeks EVERY ACTRESS in Hollywood. A-list first, then he will move onto B and then C and then whomever’s left over, and if Pete is still able to walk.

Meryl Streep has voiced her discontent and Helen Mirren has stated that she is not American and therefore she won’t go anywhere near “The Big Pete”, as he now calls himself (taking a note from the Book of Kanye).

Of course, this being Hollywood, each date with The Big Pete will be televised and turned into a reality show, with Pete giving out cock rings to only those Hollywood Ho’s he liked to fuck the best.

What will the show be called? Can’t you guess?

“Big Pete and the Hollywood Hos”.

And of course, for Christmas sweep’s week, it will be the Hollywood Ho-Ho-Hos! Classic Hollywood crap!

Catch the fever, ladies! Then please consult your doctor.

Elvis Presley’s final peanut butter and banana sandwich has been found and will soon be up for auction at Sotheby’s. The sandwich is in mint condition since it was, for some reason, stored in a forgotten fridge in the basement of Graceland. The sandwich still has Elvis’ bite marks, and scientists who studied the sandwich have reported the presence of saliva!

An historian for all things Elvis has reported, “Yes, that was the King’s final supper, if you will. He stashed it in the fridge to be preserved while he retired to the bathroom for some late-night pill popping and shitting out all the other sandwiches and cheeseburgers stuffed into his colon. The man never knew how to stop himself from gorging. Poor fat bastard.”

Before the sandwich was sent to auction, scientists took a small sample of the saliva in the hopes that they will be able to clone the King of Rock and/or Roll at some future date.

Perhaps to run on the GOP ticket in 2024? Pundits speculate, and old Elvis fans are getting out their glitter suits with the huge collars and flared pantlegs to welcome the King once he comes back to earth and makes America shit its pants again!

Slogans will read: “Elvis has entered the presidential race! Viva the Oval Office!”