Category: Humor

The greatest manufacturer in the history of the world, Elon Reeve Musk has just introduced to the industrial world his new state-of-the-art Tesla Helicopter.

The “T-Copter” can travel for up to 3,450 miles on a single tank of specially designed fuel, which his crack team of chemists designed and named Muskanol.

Turns out the batteries were just too heavy to allow the chopper to take off. (Shh, don’t tell Elon…)

The new addition to the Tesla line of mechanical entities can also fly upside down for up to 60 minutes. (As mandated by Elon 420 times during development.)

This maneuver can be especially beneficial should the “T-Copter” be caught in a tornado or in a flock of buzzards.

The new helo was tested out by Colonel Chadwick G. Furrbalino, who was President Obama’s personal Helicopter 1 pilot.

Twenty years ago, Stefano Z was a lowly junior developer, working with a set of senior developers, who had rules. A lowly junior developer, for example, couldn’t be trusted to do something risky and dangerous, like serialize data to a buffer. Not without a safe API to keep them from foot-gunning themselves.

The API interface went thus:

void TheLibraryName_Client_SerializeInt(char** serializedBufferPosition, int value);
void TheLibraryName_Client_SerializeDouble(char** serializedBufferPosition, double value);
void TheLibraryName_Client_SerializeString(char** serializedBufferPosition, const char* value, size_t size);

The first parameter was a pointer to a pointer. The address of an address of the next piece of data we are going to write to. The functions all had a side effect- they’d write data to the destination address, and then increment it by the size of the data written.

Already, from API alone, I don’t like it. This is maybe just my preference, but I hate side effects, I hate methods which do two things. I’d much rather break it out into two steps: writeData(dest, data); incrementAddress(dest, sizeof(data)).

Let’s see what the senior engineer implementation looked like.

void TheLibraryName_Client_SerializeInt(char** serializedBufferPosition, int value)
{
	*(int*)(*serializedBufferPosition) = value;
	(*serializedBufferPosition) += sizeof(int);
}

void TheLibraryName_Client_SerializeDouble(char** serializedBufferPosition, double value)
{
	*(double*)(*serializedBufferPosition) = value;
	(*serializedBufferPosition) += sizeof(double);
}

Ah, C pointer casting. I “love” it. First, we start by dereferencing serializedBufferPosition, which is our pointer to the pointer. This turns it into just a pointer. But it’s a pointer of char (or uint8_t or whatever alias you prefer), so we then need to cast it to a pointer of (int*) or (double*). Then we dereference it again, getting the actual address of the data- and write our value in there.

I don’t really love any of this. It’s a lot of casting to get to a very simple result. I wouldn’t call it a WTF, I just don’t like it. But to see it taken to its absurdity, you need to look at the string serializer:

void TheLibraryName_Client_SerializeMemory(char** serializedBufferPosition, const char* value, size_t size)
{
	for (size_t i = 0; i < size; i++)
	{
		**serializedBufferPosition = *value;
		(*serializedBufferPosition)++;
		value++;
	}
}

They follow the same logic, one character at a time. Byte by byte, they manually copy the results around, and increment by 1 each time. If only, if only there were an easier way to copy memory from one address to another. Some sort of memory copy or memcpy function.

Wait, there is such a function. So, on a whim, Stefano implemented a version using memcpy, like so:

void MyOwnSerializeMemory(char** serializedBufferPosition, const char* value, size_t size)
{
	memcpy(*serializedBufferPosition, value, size);
	(*serializedBufferPosition) += size;
}

Again, I don’t love moving the address pointer in the function, but in the scheme of things, it’s a minor problem, and it fits the API as already defined. Stefano ran some tests and benchmarked the two versions- and the memcpy was significantly faster, for even small blocks of memory, but the benefit was massive for larger blocks- and 100MB was a common size to copy, for their software.

This isn’t surprising- memcpy is highly optimized and can leverage CPU level operations to make copying memory extremely fast.

The other thing that isn’t surprising is what happened after Stefano showed the seniors his results. He demonstrated speedups on actual workloads that were on the order of ten times faster. He pointed out that memcpy was a standard function that they definitely had and could use on their target platforms.

And the seniors patted Stefano on his head, said, “Use the library we built, don’t try and be clever,” and then sent him on his way.

Stefano didn’t use their library. He continued to use his memcpy implementation. Performance crept up as he made changes, and no one complained. That program is still in production somewhere, all these years later.

iNews reporter Kitty Segovia reports that the two hot lovebirds, Kim Kardashian and Joaquin Gazpacho, have just purchased the largest jalapeno factory in the entire world, Jalapenos Chingos.

Kim of the unbelievable rich K Klan (Kardashian Klan) said that all of her sisters and their boyfriends love eating those sizzling fiery jalapenos.

Miss Segovia stated that the purchase price for the factory, which will be renamed, Kim & Gazy’s Jalapeno Inc. was 170,000,000 pesos ($10,000,000 US).

The factory provides jalapenos to each one of the 31 states in Mexico, to the 7 states in Central America, and to the 12 states in South America.

It also provides jalapenos to 49 of the US states.

Miss Segovia noted that several of the world’s countries also import the hot peppers including Germany, China, Macadamia, Iceland, Lower Zamgola, and Wales.

SIDENOTE: Renowned for her jalapeno-eating prowess, Kim holds the world record for devouring 36 of these fiery peppers in just one minute – she sucked them up and swallowed them whole like a shop-vac.

Craig Abel of Nashville, Tennessee, was seeking something to spice up his image, and he found it in the form of socks – specifically, colorful, interesting ones peppered with artistic images or even with images of red-hot chili peppers themselves.

“The sky’s the limit when it comes to socks, is what I’ve discovered,” said Abel. “The only limitations are the ones in your own mind.”

Abel acknowledged that he had previously judged as cheesy and pathetic people who wore things like ugly Christmas sweaters, offbeat baseball hats, or crazy neckties for their obliviousness to and/or ignorance of how foolish they looked and for not having any more worthwhile interests to engage their attention. “But then it hit me that I don’t have any real hobbies, either,” said Abel. “And even though I was never interested in being known as the guy who wears those crazy socks, it occurred to me, well, maybe that’s better than not being known at all.”

As he tells it, the hosiery move changed everything for him. “My socks present a ready-made conversation piece, simplify gift-giving for my friends and family, and make me come across as a fun, lighthearted guy who doesn’t take himself too seriously. I went from being an alpha male bursting with white privilege to an affable, approachable, regular dude. Who feels threatened by a guy with goofy socks? No one, in my experience. No one at all. In fact, everyone now feels superior to me, which is honestly quite freeing.”

The only difficulty posed by Abel’s newfound signature socks is the quandary he regularly faces in putting his best foot forward. “It’s tough to choose between my left foot and right, since they both just look so damn good.”

He chuckled. “Luxury problem, I know. I’m not complaining. Sock it to me, as they say. Sock it to me.”

LaLaLand Daily writer Willow Tulsa brings exciting news from the entertainment industry, as two of the wackiest daredevils have joined forces to co-star in a laugh-out-loud comedy flick.

Cheryl Cole and Liz Hurley team up in the uproarious film, “Screams Galore,” helmed by the eccentric director Staccato Monteverdi and produced by Lion’s Face Films and Tri-Moon Pictures.

The movie follows the hilarious misadventures of Detroit cousins Lacey and Daisy St. Sangria, who embark on a wild journey when they open their own wacky business called “Screams Galore,” a high-energy amusement park.

Their grand opening is marred by a series of strange incidents, with customers complaining about a mysterious ice cream salesman who has been sneaking broccoli into the pistachio ice cream.

As the hilarious adventure unfolds, Lacey and Daisy channel their inner sleuths, teaming up with a talking parrot named Professor Squawkington. Together, they unravel the dastardly plot of a local farmer who posed as an ice cream salesman in an attempt to sell his vegetables at inflated amusement park prices.

Due to a scene involving Lacey, Daisy, and an eccentric carnival performer named Dickler in a hilariously chaotic shower mishap, the movie has garnered an X-rating, but rest assured, it’s all in the best possible taste!

Senator Lindsey Graham has taken delivery of a suspicious package from the Russian Federation. Inside the package, a price label and instructions explicitly commanding the senator to affix the label onto his head, under the authority of none other than Vlad Putin himself!

Wow, what an honor … some would say, but not Lindsey.

A spokesmonkey for the South Carolina senator said, “The senator thought it was a joke. I mean, American politicians barely even know any Russian politicians beyond Putin because they just don’t care. Having your life threatened by Putin is like having Hitler hate you. That’s a good thing! The senator isn’t scared. He flip-flops more than a bad penny, so there’s a good chance he’ll say he loves Putin, and then the price drops to zero. And everybody laughs and laughs and tries to destroy America a little more. This thing isn’t on, is it?”

Trump has pulled his support for Graham due to Putin’s price, saying “Vlad is my buddy, I love him, and I don’t like anybody who insults my buddies, even though I kinda brushed it off when Putin put a price on the heads of American soldiers in Syria – a war which I would’ve won so easily because I can stop wars with one phone call – and the prices on American heads weren’t even worth that much – I would’ve offered a lot more money – I am so rich, you don’t even realize – wait, who are you – you’re fake news – I only talk to legit news like Fox – is their lawsuit over yet?”

My tape recorder ran out of tape, but then again, we’ve all heard enough of that last idiot. If only the other ones would follow suit and just walk into the nearest jail cell and scream at the walls for a few decades, or until the world forgets they exist.

No price is too large to forget the past three to five years. Lindsey is boring television now.

Love celebrities, dontcha? What would you do to own a piece of your fav star? Or rather, what part of your fav star would you like to own?

Well, ever since Lady Gaga got puked on with green liquid — and blew the house down, raising the bar for other celebs — fans want a taste of that Gaga magic!

Gaga herself didn’t puke, but if you’d like to own a few drops of her vomit (in a rainbow of colors — Happy Pride, everybody), then you too can buy a perfume bottle of ‘Gaga Chunder’ for the low, low price of $200 per bottle. The bottle is the size of an eye dropper, without the bottle or rubber squeeze bulb, and only half the size, maybe less… small… and expensive.

And awesome!

Taylor Swift can’t stop making money! She wants in. Want some of her concert sweat? Got $700 – $1500 burning a hole in your pocket? For a scrap of lint-filled cloth stained by Taylor’s authenticated forehead sweat (sorry, fans, just the forehead, anywhere else is gonna cost ya), you too can own the smell of Swift.

Justin Bieber hasn’t been around much since Covid made his face droop permanently — not good for concerts, posters, and t-shirt sales — unless his publicist can come up with a great marketing campaign to spin the ugly into something beautiful… which she did.

Want some of Justin’s sperm? Good luck! Pee, poop, bile, snot, blood… whatever he’s got, you don’t get to have. But if you’d like to own a 2-ounce cheap plastic bottle into which Justin has breathed… ‘Bieber Breath’… it will only set you back $500 each. And that’s on sale for Pride Month only.

So save up and buy, buy, buy a piece of your favorite celebrity. They don’t really care about you, only your money… so get some of them while you still can and while they’re young and pretty and you too are young enough to realize you ain’t no suckka, you’re just a huge fan!

And not at all crazy… after all, they’re making the money and you just bought puke, dumbass.

LaLaLand Daily reporter Willow Tulsa reports that Hollywood is abuzz with the uproarious news that America’s “Lovebirds,” Taylor Swift and her boyfriend Anson Mount, are set to star in the outrageously spoofy comedy film, “The Hilarious Hijinks of Bonnie & Clyde.”

The movie, written and directed by funnyman Dan Aykroyd, takes a wild and satirical spin on the infamous duo’s crime spree, infusing it with slapstick humor, absurd situations, and witty one-liners.

Miss Tulsa, who was lucky enough to witness the hilarity firsthand, shared some unforgettable moments from the set. In one scene, Taylor (Bonnie) and Anson (Clyde) find themselves in a comically chaotic car chase, complete with bananas flying out of the windows and a trail of rubber chickens left in their wake. Another scene features a side-splitting parody of their infamous shootout, where they engage in an outrageous exchange of custard pies and water balloons with the bumbling law enforcement officers.

The production took them to offbeat locations like Looneyville, Texas; Guffawburg, Missouri; and Chucklefield, Wisconsin.

The film has been awarded an X-rating by the MPAA due to the FDA classifying custard pies as potentially carcinogenic in 2023.

An octogenarian man named Barsninio Barkweather, 88, living in Poughkeepsie, New York is suing the Happy Times 16 Theater Complex located inPoughkeepsie.

According to Barkweather’s attorney, Della Frumpwax, he was sitting in Theater #13, eating popcorn and watching the latest Indiana Jones franchise movie, “Indiana Jones and The Sperm Donors of Egypt,” when suddenly he felt a horribly painful feeling in his mouth.

At first he thought it was a bite from a spider or some other kind of insect.

But he quickly spit and he saw no insect. He then came to the realization that the popcorn was so damn hot that it had actually sizzled off both of his tonsils.

He immediately went to the theater’s medical clinic where the attending nurse, inspected his mouth.

She asked him if he still had his two tonsils. He told her he did. She shook her head and informed him that they are no longer attached to his mouth.

He asked her where the hell they were. She raised her eyebrows and replied, “Well I’m not a doctor, and I’m not a forest ranger, but it appears that both of your tonsils have been burned off. ■

The Whataburger corporation has just announced the winner of their $1 Million WhataWine Contest.

The contest was open to any Whataburger customer who purchased even a simple order of WhataFries.

A spokesperson for the “Big Orange W,” noted that over 27 million Whataburger customers from every state in the nation participated.

There were even entrants from other countries who were visiting the USA, including visitors from Mexico, India, Sweden, Kamgooganda, and Iceland.

The winner of the one mil was a retired pole dancer from Waxahachie, Texas, named Valdosta Wiggle 41.

When asked what she plans to do with the money she answered that she is going to donate $50,000 to The Texas Home For Retired Pole Dancers.

She then divulged that she will be taking a trip to visit Machu Pichu in Peru with two of her three boyfriends.

The World of Wacky Swimwear Weekly reports that the brand new Kimberly Guilfoyle Designer Banana Peel Swimsuit is outselling the swimwear of four of the most popular celebrities in America.

The Bananarama Polling Agency reports that retail outlets like Fruitopia, Pineapple Paradise, Berry Boutique, and Citrus Sensations have stated that as soon as the “Guilfoyles” are displayed on their shelves, they are swiftly snatched up by fruit enthusiasts, nutritionists, and even monkeys.

When Kimberly Guilfoyle was asked about the banana-rific sales her swimsuits are generating, she flashed a grin, peeled a banana, and said, in her banana-loving enthusiasm, “I find it quite a-peeling!” ■

Well it is no secret that the Chinese people love watching basketball.

Next to the National Rik Shaw Races, which are held in November, this year’s March Madness was the most watched TV series show in the entire republic of China.

In fact China’s Fortune Cookie News Agency has stated that former Houston Rockets super star Yao Ming, recently purchased 10,000 shares of Boston Celtics stock.

Yao also named his son LeBron Kobe Duncan Ming in honor of three of the greatest players to ever dribble an NBA basketball.

Another Chinese NBA sensation is Jeremy Lin, who developed a unique style of play that would be pegged Linsanity.

He had the amazing ability to toss the ball 10 feet in front of him and then run and catch up to it, and dunk it with very little effort. ■