With the ailment blamed for many of the problems in the country, The Onion asked Americans what it is like to live with the Woke Mind Virus, and this is what they said.
Humor
Americans Reveal What It’s Like Living With The Woke Mind Virus
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Corey Wainwright, Gaffer
“I caught it from my son after he went to a school that hadn’t burned all their books.”
Matt Cohn, Social Media Specialist
“I wake up naked every night inside a Planned Parenthood, unable to remember how I got there or what I was doing.”
Grace Klein, Pastry Chef
“Now anytime I wear blackface, my skin burns.”
Grant Wheelan, Engineer
“My wife got it, but she was totally fine after I chained her up and locked her in the basement for two weeks without food or water.”
Sarah Batts, Copywriter
“I just wish there were a vaccine for the woke mind virus that I could have refused to take.”
Sarah Collins, Veterinarian
“We’re just hoping that someday, someone holds George Soros responsible for doing this to us.”
Mason Hudson, Interior Decorator
“The woke mind virus caused a tiny Ibram X. Kendi to burst out of my colleague’s chest after devouring his insides for sustenance. It then jumped into my mouth and I was so frightened I accidentally swallowed it. I’m afraid the same fate will now befall me.”
Isla Menendez, Warehouse Worker
“I got it from a Chick-fil-A sandwich, go figure!”
Josh Doyle, Director
“Oh, you know. I start the day with a woke shower and then eat some woke eggs and woke potatoes. Then I put on my woke pants and woke shirt and hail a woke taxi to job shooting woke pornography.”
Dylan Holland, Registered Nurse
“I want to yell racial slurs, but every time I open my mouth, ‘Fight Song’ comes out instead.”
Ralph Busco, Podiatrist
“Well, for one, I’m gay now. Granted. I was before, too. The woke mind virus apparently doesn’t really have an effect on your sexuality, funny enough.”
Bryce Gibbs, Sales Manager
“There is a tattoo of Kamala Harris where my penis used to be.”
Marcie Hawkins, Statistician
“Frankly, I don’t know how long I have left. My insurance doesn’t cover woke mind virus.”
Liam Cote, Arcade Owner
“I spent $150,000 replacing my eyeballs, tongue, face, and nose so I look like a giant hardcover copy of White Fragility.”
Travis Pendant, Electrician
“I think I only got a mild case, because I still call anyone who doesn’t go on a date with me a whore.”
Kelsey Jamison, Seamstress
“I beg for death, but I cannot die. I’ve jumped off a 10-story building. I’ve tied cinderblocks to my feet and jumped in a lake. I’ve shot myself in the head. Every time, I come to on a liberal college campus in a women’s studies class.”
Vincent Rodriguez, Catholic Priest
“The impulse to molest is luckily stored in a different, unaffected part of the cortex.”
Janet Knight, Makeup Artist
“I hallucinated that I was in a committed, long-term relationship with Rosie O’Donnell, and I liked it.”
Ben Thompson, Grocery Store Cashier
“I develop a new symptom every day, it’s honestly a frustratingly incoherent illness.”
Liza Andres, Administrative Assistant
“It spreads through a cursed, tattered copy of We Should All Be Feminists that keeps showing up on your doorstep, no matter how many times you throw it away.”
Marissa Schlagel, Waitress
“I think Black people should be able to vote. Goodbye. I can’t keep living like this. These will be my final words.”
Paul Klein, Pilot
“An immigrant carried it over! An immigrant from elsewhere! Elsewhere has the woke mind virus, and the immigrant, who is of course unclean, brought the woke mind virus from the elsewhere and it now has infected my whole family!”
Armie Hammer, Actor
“Hello. Can I be woke?”
Theresa Lamb, Software Developer
“I am unable to see the American flag.”
Dan Menchin, Videographer
“Is the woke virus the thing where you turn into a goat whenever there’s a red tide? And you have to roam around eating grass and tree bark with the other goats until the red tide pulls away? If so, I have that, yeah.”
Jane Ginsburg, Attorney
“The woke mind virus killed my mother, Ruth Bader Ginsburg.”
Howard Campbell, Tech Executive
“You’re not going to like this, but the only antidote is Joe Biden’s semen.”
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