Valentine’s Day is supposed to be a romantic holiday—but in my experience, it frequently inspires feelings of desperation, inadequacy, and loneliness.
Whether you’re single or in that vaguely-erotic-and-amorous-yet-poorly-defined dynamic with someone we like to call a situationship, Valentine’s Day is a time where people who are expecting big romantic gestures, bouquets, and dates can become keenly aware of the lack of flower deliveries at their door.
Instead of spending this Feb. 14 feeling sorry for yourself, envying the relationships of others, or planning an anti-Valentine’s Day celebration with your gal pals, spend the evening doing something healthier and more obviously pleasant: masturbating!
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Masturbation for stressful times
I force myself to be completely unproductive for one day every week: no catching up on posters for my graphic design gig, no freelance emails to my managers about the podcast I’m editing, no work on my novel, no writing this column. I recently woke up on one such day feeling sort of aimless and vaguely horny, unmoored by the lack of work.
I pulled out my phone on my couch and started to assume the classic posture of a singleton at 9 a.m. on a Saturday: one hand poised on my crotch while the other one went searching for internet pornography to mindlessly masturbate to.
But, I decided I deserve better. Why jerk off mindlessly on the couch when I could roll out the red carpet for myself?
I set the mood with the psychedelic rock playlist I usually play during hookups, pulled out all my lubes—from my trusty jar of Boy Butter to the tube of emergency AstroGlide usually lost under my bed—and dusted off my robotic blowjob machine and my dildo.
I truly showed up for myself that day, and all by myself, I achieved the kind of full-body orgasm that I usually associate with a particularly good lay. I was equally surprised by both the fact that I could do that and the fact that I don’t do that more often.
In stressful times like these, we’re all in desperate need of relief. Masturbation is a great release valve—and yes, I come wielding the science to prove it!
Masturbating releases several hormones related to your brain’s reward system, like dopamine. It also triggers an avalanche of endorphins, which help your body feel less stressed. You don’t even have to climax—just rub. Research shows that clitoral stimulation helps boost mood and engender relaxation, and the literal act of self-soothing and self-pleasure reduces anxiety. Masturbation has also been found to improve cognitive function during ageing—just another great reason to touch yourself!
Despite longstanding taboo around masturbation, research conducted by the International Society for Sex Medicine reports that people of all age groups—from adolescents to folks 70 and over—masturbate regularly.
Another study found that for 46 percent of perimenopausal women and 32 percent of postmenopausal women, masturbation had a positive effect on at least one of their uncomfortable symptoms, from improving sleep or mood to reducing vaginal pain. And for some folks aged 50 and up, masturbation can give memory recall a boost.
Finally, while the science isn’t conclusive, some research shows that, for men and other folks with a prostate, more frequent ejaculation is associated with a lower risk of prostate cancer.
On Valentine’s Day, what could be more romantic than warding off cancer?
To porn or not to porn
I am a proponent of the adult entertainment industry.
In my writing and my life, I talk about and celebrate all kinds of sex work because that’s one of many ways to destigmatize this field. I also believe that sex work should be decriminalized, and that censorial bills like the new online age-verification laws that have been enacted in roughly half of the U.S., which require users to share sensitive information, like biometric data, to access sexual content are dangerous.
(Read more: Seattle Sex Worker Collectives Are Providing Health Care to Their Community)
But all that said, some research has shown that excessive consumption of porn can change the chemistry in your brain, leading to poorer impulse control, difficulty focusing, and dopamine-hunting cycles of addiction. So, it could be fun to experiment with a little more mindful masturbation this Valentine’s Day, using nothing but your body, some toys if you have them, and your imagination.
Mindful masturbation combines self-pleasure with meditation; it’s a tool that can be used to become more attuned to the body and help eliminate the dopamine hunt associated with swiping on apps or scrolling lots of pornography. Instead of setting goals for this masturbation session—I must come!—mindful masturbation is a practice that asks you to be in the present moment, notice the body, and see what happens.
Similar to the practice of body scanning in meditation, you might start off gliding your hands across your entire body, exploring where a new and surprising erotic sensation may arise. As in traditional meditation, you can let your mind wander here and be surprised by the memories and emotions that come up. And then: Release them as you continue touching yourself, from the usual erotic zones you might already know to other areas you rarely pay attention to.
What a totally psychedelic way to treat yourself on Valentine’s Day.
If, instead, you’d still like to masturbate with some visual or audio support (I know I do!) but you find yourself distracted, worried, or alienated by the mainstream porn that comes across your feed on websites like PornHub, I have a couple of recommendations.
The website Ersties has an all-woman production team that focuses on female pleasure and intimate moments. I find the production style of its videos, similar to the glossy made-to-go-viral aesthetics of internet gameshows and tutorials, to be comforting and weirdly erotic. There’s also Bellesa, a studio that makes porn “by women, for everyone that wants something real.”
(Read more: Sex Workers Fear Border Patrol’s New Social Media Requirements Could Make U.S. Travel Off Limits)
For example, the first Ersties video that caught my attention was “Orgy My Way,” from 2025, where 20 contestants of many genders compete in seven rounds of erotic games, revealing red flags, an oral sex contest, and a stripping challenge, all to join in an ultimate orgy. It felt like watching an entertaining game show on Netflix that also happened to be pornographic.
Quinn, a very popular audio erotica platform, has more than 350k followers on Instagram. Quinn has an entire library of short and sexy stories you can listen to while you jerk off (or clean the house, commute, or whatever).
Internet boyfriends are frequently cast to narrate their stories. Christopher Briney, from The Summer I Turned Pretty, plays the part of a man falling in love with his brother’s ex in one story. In another, Heated Rivalry’s Connor Storrie and Hudson Williams star as fey princes of opposing kingdoms who are in an erotic competition.
If internet girlfriends are your thing, Kate Moennig (yes, Shane from The L Word) even plays a rock star that’s retired to a ranch in Montana. Sapphic sexiness ensues.
With fantasies and sex toys like these at your finger tips, who needs a box of chocolates on Valentine’s Day?