When Ego Gets in the Way of Leadership

Ego has many masks but only one truth. I see ego-based leadership reactions disguised as intuition, trust, defensiveness, micromanagement, and a multitude of other things. However, what’s really at the heart of those responses is a lack of radical self-inquiry. Your ego can be pushy. It can take over every decision you make if you aren’t aware of its presence.  

Once the ego has been quieted, the real reason for a reaction is revealed. When the noise of ego subsides, what’s left is often a kind of groundlessness—a soft spot that reveals your fear, tenderness, and longing to be seen. Leadership begins in that unguarded place.  

From a Buddhist perspective, the ego is not an enemy that you need to eradicate. It’s a mistaken belief in a fixed self. Psychoanalysis defines the ego a bit differently as the part of human beings that tries, however clumsily, to protect people. Understanding both dimensions will help you see that ego isn’t the problem; rather, it’s our identification with it that is. 

I will warn you, though, that sometimes what’s left when ego has departed is challenging to sit with. More often than not, it isn’t what you thought it might be. What you do with the thing that’s unveiled is what defines great leaders. 

Rooting out ego 

There are two fundamental questions to ask yourself when you have an ego-driven response. This might look like a strong reaction to a team decision, the need to control what someone else is handling, or a knee-jerk reaction of defensiveness. You can view these questions as an inner dialogue between your ego and awareness.  

• Why do I do what I do?
  Stop and consider you go to work every day, why you function the way that you do, and why you initially stepped into your current position. Are you destroying yourself by trying to be someone you’re not? Are you still aligned with your own goals and values? Have you strayed so far from those that you do not know who you are? Are you “chasing lemon drops,” like I wrote about in my book, Reboot? Get to the core of your “why.” 
• Why do I feel what I feel?
  If you really take the time to pause when reacting to a message or decision, you will find the root cause. This is not easy to do, and it does require some practice, which can be guided through regular journaling. Often, what you call “drive” or “ambition” begins as a defense. This is an ego strategy to be loved, feel safe, and belong. Seeing that softens judgment and opens the door to self-understanding and, importantly, self-compassion.  

The act of writing down how and why you reacted the way you did and then reading those words back to yourself can give you great insight. Perhaps more importantly, a regular journaling practice can teach your brain to pause before sending that email, micromanaging a team, or making decisions based on ego rather than logic.  

It takes the time it takes 

Some people process things and learn new patterns quickly. Others take days, weeks, months, and even years to fully engage in radical self-inquiry. Sometimes, the amount of time it takes to find the real and raw answers can surprise you.  

A good example of this is a conversation I recently had with a client. He informed his team that he needed several weeks to implement a significant cultural shift. He worked on journaling and answering the two questions above for a few days, repeatedly coming back to the same conclusion. However, when he returned to his team with his thoughts and decisions, a board member questioned his processing time.  

The board member said, “You said it would take weeks, and here you are, a few days later, with a decision. How can that be?” They even went so far as to suggest that he reconsider for a more extended period. However, the answers were clear, and he had no reason to continue processing.  

The work of self-inquiry

When you’ve done the work to understand why you react the way you do, you may find it takes less time than expected to reach a decision you can live with. Insight can appear suddenly, but only after long work of self-inquiry. The ego loosens not by force but by love and friendship. It’s there, after all, to protect you. 

It’s okay to take more—or less—time to figure things out. You owe it to yourself and your team to fully process big decisions and act when the move feels right, regardless of the timeline. It’s not about the numbers, but it’s about setting your ego aside and finding the truth through radical self-inquiry. When you meet your ego with curiosity and friendship rather than contempt, it becomes a teacher, pointing you toward the true self beneath.