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My mother couldn’t stand my fourth-grade teacher. In fact, no parent seemed to like her. She and other parents would constantly complain to the teacher about their kids’ poor performances, her tendency to pick favorites or the time she had a high-performing student grade tests for her.
Despite my mom’s intense dislike for her, I still had to deal with her every day that school year, which made for uncomfortable confrontations and a lot of stress for a 9-year-old to handle.
There comes a point in your kid’s school career when they get a teacher with whom you may not mesh well, whether you feel they’re mistreating your child, are generally nasty or are just not a good fit for your kid’s learning style.
However, overcoming that dislike is crucial for helping your child succeed throughout the school year.
“While both parties usually have the student’s best interests at heart, misunderstandings, personality differences or communication styles can sometimes lead to tension,” said Farnaz Heydari, principal of Grant Elementary School in the Bay Area.
If you find yourself in a similar position, here’s how to help mend the situation for the sake of your child’s learning.
Why Conflicts Between Parents and Teachers Happen
Parents and teachers may butt heads for different reasons. One could be that the parent thinks the teacher is targeting their child, or being unfair or inattentive to their needs.
“Many parents think their child is the only one in the class,” Danielle M., a New York City public school teacher, told HuffPost.
Danielle also noted that many parents get frustrated when teachers aren’t available all hours of the day to answer their questions:
“We can’t always answer a parent’s 6 p.m. email because we leave school and return home to take care of our own children,” the teacher said.
Other times, a conflict is rooted in deeper concerns, Heydari said.
“A parent might be worried about their child’s struggles or a teacher might feel overwhelmed with workload and responsibilities.”
What To Do If You Don’t Like Your Kid’s Teacher
Even when a parent or teacher is perceived as “difficult,” collaboration is absolutely important and plays a pivotal role in a student’s academic, social and emotional development,” Heydari said.
Below are some tips for handling the situation to get through the school year with few problems.
Set expectations and communication guidelines at the beginning of the school year.
“At the beginning of the school year, roles, expectations and preferred ways of communication should be established,” Heydari said.
And we don’t mean telling your teacher how to do their job. Instead, give your teacher insight into how your child learns and behaves. Did they struggle with a specific subject last year? Are there family problems at home that could impact your child’s academic performance?
“Clear, respectful and regular communication prevents many misunderstandings,” Heydari said. When something happens, how will you connect with the teacher? Is there an online form where you can submit questions? Are they the type to call you if there’s a problem with your child?
By laying the groundwork at the beginning of the year, you provide the teacher with a better understanding of how your child thinks and behaves, and you are better prepared to tackle any issues that may arise down the line.
Ask questions instead of making demands.
Have you ever been surprised when your kid comes home with a bad grade, especially since they’re typically an A student? This is just one of many situations where a parent and teacher might clash. Instead of marching to your kid’s teacher and demanding to change the grade, approach the situation with curiosity and understanding.
“Entitlement is a big turn-off, especially when we want the best for your child, too,” Danielle said. For example, instead of saying, “Fix my child’s grade!” ask what the child struggled with, how you can help and if there is any ability to gain extra credit.
Also, pay attention to how you’re speaking to the teacher as well.
“Oftentimes, tone can come off differently via email, so a phone call or face-to-face conversation would probably be the most helpful and gets to the point,” explained Danielle.
Don’t go over their heads, no matter how tempting it is.
Danielle warns against going behind a teacher’s back to solve any issues. Generally, you should try reaching out to your kid’s teacher and solve the problem yourselves. You can try intervention strategies such as using a homework notebook, a daily log or frequent teacher/parent communication.
“If no middle ground is reached, I would communicate with the teacher that things will be escalated to a higher power,” Danielle said.
Bring it back to your student.
When disagreements occur, Heydari suggests reframing the conversation by reminding the parties that they intend to support the student.
“A shared commitment is at the core of the parent-teacher relationship in helping students succeed,” she added. “Keeping this at the forefront can redirect energy from frustration toward problem-solving when any issues arise.”
Remember, teachers are human and have a job to do.
Teachers juggle a huge workload, often with multiple students ― sometimes 30 at a time ― ensuring they meet their requirements while doing a lot with small budgets and limited time.
“[As a teacher] I constantly stress that my only goal is to help the child,” Danielle said. “I try to imagine what I would want someone to say if speaking to my child. ”We want to be attentive to your child and give them as much help as we can, but we often have over 33 students in one class and teach three or more sections. That’s 99 kids!”
Sometimes, certain personalities just do not mesh. But at the end of the day, teachers are no different than you. They have to get up, go to work, take care of their families and also enjoy their free time outside of the classroom. The best thing you can do for your child is to work together as a team.
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