If you maintain separate marital finances, I’d appreciate your input on this. I’m feeling financially strained by new elder care responsibilities and DH is cranky that I’ve asked for his help with marital expenses because of my family.
Financial Context
I take home $9k per month and my annual bonus nets about $7k. DH takes home $12k per month and his annual bonus nets about $25k.
DH paid housing and utilities for the first three years of our marriage while I poured my salary into my $100k student loans. When we bought a weekend house during that time, DH paid for it and our main house (monthly total $5500). I clearly financially benefited from this, whether you define that as $100k student debt payoff or $168k in free housing. (I’m not a scorekeeper; this is relevant below.)
Today, we own two different houses. DH pays the mortgage on the main house ($2900) and the lawn care on both ($600); I pay the mortgage and utilities on the weekend house ($3800), as well as the utilities and housekeeper on the main house ($600).
The Problem
The issue is that I’m feeling pinched by new one-time and ongoing elder care costs. I asked DH about six weeks ago if he could help me with the weekend house payment given these costs and he got pretty upset about it, and I haven’t brought it up since. He specifically brought up the fact that he paid for the weekend house while I was paying off my student loans, so it’s “my turn” to pay for this one. If/when I bring it up again, I expect to hear that he recently (since our last talk) spent $20k on projects at the weekend house and I didn’t contribute, so why does he have to contribute to my “project” of my mom?
The costs come from recently moving my mom to live near us. I’m an only child, and my mom has been single since my dad died when I was 4 – it’s always just been the two of us and taking care of her clearly falls to me. (And she and I are close and I love her and want to take care of her.) She’s 80, and her monthly income is $2800 between a pension and Social Security. The housing payment for the most reasonable and appropriate home we could find in our area is $2200. She will pay me $1200 each month and I’ll cover the extra $1000. The full-service, long-distance move last month (because clearly an 80 year woman can’t pack up her whole house herself and I couldn’t drop everything to do it for her) was $12,000. Modifying the house for aging in place (a walk-in tub, extra stair railings, plus new appliances and general spiffing up) was $20,000. Closing costs were $20,000. The move and the house changes went on my CC; the closing costs came out of my savings.
(Please no commentary on buying a house for someone at her age. Everyone in her family lives to 100 in perfect health and dies in their sleep at home. She has at least 15 years of excellent health ahead of her (as much as any of us can predict such things). We selected the most appropriate and cost-efficient house for aging-in-place available on the local market. And of course the house will be mine to sell when she passes.)
I’d like DH to take over – or take half of – or just contribute toward – the weekend house payment while I take care of this $52k. But here we get into emotional stuff. DH is a black and white, right way/wrong way kinda guy and doesn’t deal well with gray areas and life’s messiness. To wit:
DH is kinda contemptuous of my mom. She’s flighty and kind of a space cadet and hasn’t always made the wisest life choices, but she is such a gentle person without a mean bone in her body. (She could totally be an extra on Murder She Wrote – red glasses, cozy sweaters and blankets, cup of hot tea, kitty curled up in her lap.) She didn’t always make the smartest financial decisions when she was raising me, but he (unfairly and harshly IMO) views her as irresponsible. She was a single mother and did her best.
Meanwhile, he’ll never, ever have to deal with elder care. Not because his parents were any more free of occasional poor decisions than my mom (they weren’t), not because their earnings were any more generous than my mom’s (they weren’t, aside from the two adults vs one aspect), but because his dad was wounded twice in Vietnam and he has very generous veteran’s benefits. There’s a significant financial stipend every month, plus they both have free healthcare with no deductibles. They also live in DH’s rural (and affordable) hometown with literally dozens of close-knit relatives ready to drop anything for a family member who needs help. When MIL inevitably outlives FIL, it will be the local cousins who visit and take her to doctors’ appointments, and even plan her funeral since they all go to the same church.
So because his only interaction with his parents is a monthly phone call, and they’re doing their own thing seven states away in his hometown and don’t need financial help, I feel like he thinks everything’s swell on HIS end, so why does MY end have to be so needy and affect us so much. Well, my end is HERE. And I want her to be here because I love her and because my end doesn’t have a spouse and a coterie of devoted relatives. But HERE means you see more and know more and, yeah, it costs more (the ongoing $1k).
So, anyways, a lot of emotions and numbers all jumbled up in this. Your thoughts are greatly appreciated. I don’t want to be a mooch, so if I’m out of line, tell me.
Kat
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