Want to Help People Be More Generous, Engaged, and (Oddly Enough) More Resilient? The Science of ‘Thanks in Advance’

I needed to get a 370-pound freestanding tub up two flights of stairs, into a bathroom, and — because of how the tub’s brass drain pipe fits into a flange connecting to the waste pipe below the floor — lowered slowly into place with zero room for error: if we were off by a hair, the lateral pressure on the drain pipe would probably crack the base of the tub. (No, I’m not a fan of the design.)

So I asked a neighbor if he had any strong friends, and he rounded up three guys happy to make some extra money.

Even so, I felt bad. It was a heavy yet delicate task, one I hadn’t quite figured out how to pull off. I had a plan, but knew we might have to adjust in the moment. I knew it would be hard and didn’t want to waste their time. Should I have felt that way? Arguably not: I I figured it would take no more than two hours, one way (success or failure) or the other, and would pay each of them $100. As Don Draper would say about the work-for-compensation transaction, “That’s what the money’s for.”

They knew what they were getting into. If they didn’t want the work, you could argue that’s an emotion they shouldn’t feel.

You could argue my being less than thrilled if they were less than thrilled — I hate interactions that feel remotely uncomfortable or confrontational — is an emotion I shouldn’t feel.

Then I remembered what former FBI hostage negotiator and bestselling author Chris Voss said in his MasterClass: to paraphrase Voss, thank people before they do something.

According to Voss:

I’ve used that with airline customer service personnel who talked to me as if I’m lucky to have them on the phone at all. Who put me on hold for a long period of time. When she came back on the phone, I said, “It really feels like you’re being generous with your time,” and her tone changed instantly.

She fixed the problem with no charge, which is exactly what I was after. I wanted more generosity from her. I knew it was buried, underlying the emotions on the surface.

I just used a positive label to build it back up.

Praising or thanking people before they do something well? Before they help you? Before they do the job you pay them to do?

That’s what I did. When they arrived, I said, “Thanks for helping me out. This is going to suck. The tub is heavy and we have to set it down perfectly. I have a plan, but I’m also open to ideas. I really appreciate you helping, and helping me figure out how to pull this off.”

“Tough job, with a limited chance of success?” one said, laughing. “Sounds right up our alley.”

They carried the tub up the steps and into the bathroom onto blocks to support it while I attached the drain pipe. “You guys made that look easy,” I said.

“Well, it was…” one said, smiling, “and it wasn’t.”

“But it’s still better than my day job,” another laughed.

Fifteen minutes later — with the help of some straps, removing a set of blocks at a time so I could fine-tune the positioning, and some strategically crossed fingers — my initial plan worked.

I breathed a sign of relief both because the tub was in place but also because none of them got frustrated. There was no awkwardness, no tension, no impatience, no “I didn’t think this is what were were getting into.”

Which, in retrospect, shouldn’t be surprising. An Academy of Management study found that compared to gratitude after the fact, anticipatory gratitude increases resilience, and anticipatory gratitude prior to completing a distressing task increases persistence.

Partly that’s due to feelings of social worth; if you know you’re appreciated and valued, you’re more likely to work harder and stay the course. In this case, they were there to help me solve a problem I couldn’t solve myself. Saying I appreciated them helping put a positive label on their role.

They weren’t just working; they were helping.

And they knew their help was appreciated, not just afterwards, but also beforehand.

Thanking them in advance also helped me manage my emotions. By thanking them ahead of time, I took care of a potential “370 pounds up two flights of stairs” elephant in the room. By thanking them ahead of time, I took care of a potential “it may take us a while to figure out how to set this thing into place” elephant in the room.” (And made them partners in helping me figure it out if it didn’t go well.)

Try it. The next time you need help, thank the other person in advance. Say, “Thanks for picking me up, I really appreciate it,” to the Uber driver. Say, “Thanks for calling (an upset customer) to try to repair the relationship.” Say, “Thanks for being willing to stay late to get the orders out on time.”

Even when it’s the person’s job to do whatever you want them to do, lead with, “I really appreciate you taking the time to help me.” 

Don’t want until a transaction is complete to say thank you.

Say it beforehand, too. Sure, they’ll they be more willing to help, and be more willing to stay the course if the task is difficult.

But just as importantly, once you thank them for completing the task, they’ll have heard “thank you” twice.

And that’s is a good thing, since no one receives too much appreciation and praise.