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Hello Trash Pandas, and welcome to the Trash Report! I hope you are living and thriving, which are two words that should rhyme, but don’t. Let’s start pronouncing “thriving” like “living” and say it means both? Does that count as a portmanteau if it’s just changing the pronunciation? Also, don’t you guys think that when a woman comes up with a portmanteau we should call it a portwomanteau?
I digress. Let’s gossip!
Sickos
Robert F. Kennedy Jr. was grilled by the Senate last week on his reckless vaccine policies that will cause needless suffering and deaths and he did not sound great doing so, partly because of the obvious lying and partly because of his zombie voice. (I know the voice is not part of him being bad, but since he is bad we can make fun of the voice.) In response to the mess he’s made of the CDC, Oregon has teamed up with Washington and California to make our own West Coast Vaccine Alliance, which is a great idea with a boring name. Trump and his ilk are evil but they do make a meal out of naming things; calling the Department of Defense the Department of War is stupid and embarrassing and not something the president can do, but it gets headlines! Regardless of the snoozefest of a brand, I love living in a state that is doing something, and I wonder: Why stop with healthcare? What else can we team up with Washington and California to do? This might sound crazy but could it be like… everything? Full secession?? I know it was not bueno when the South tried to secede all those years ago, but that was for a bad reason (slavery) whereas this is a good reason (not wanting to die of preventable disease). We could design chic new coins, but instead of that e pluribus unum shit they say litus occidentale est optimums litus which is Latin for “the west coast is the best coast.” 😎
Elsewhere in DC, a photo was taking of someone throwing black plastic bags out of a White House window, from the residence side. Trump’s like, “what, you said to release the Epstein files… that was us releasing them. You just gotta dig through the garbage and put all the shreds of the files back together. Like in Argo.“ (Which is a good movie and all of you who make fun of it are liars. We all liked it.)
Couples News!
Just two weeks ago I gave Zoe Kravitz and Austin Butler’s PR relationship the coveted lead image of this highly esteemed online column and it was relevant for about two seconds, because now Zoe’s been canoodling all over town with Harry Styles… which I actually love, so it’s fine. Those two are cute together. She makes so much more sense with him than she did with Channing Tatum. When Harry Styles flings his arm around her shoulder, it looks like she can support it without buckling over.
In the opposite of charm, Sydney Sweeney is reportedly dating Scooter Braun, who we all know best as the guy who pissed off Taylor Swift by buying all her masters. Imagine having the confidence to publicly link yourself to someone Swifties hate. This is a woman who feels good about her next movie, which is a biopic about a boxer named Christy. People bulk up and de-glamorize in fighting movies to win Oscars and if we are going to live in a world where Donald Trump has a Nobel prize, like, sure, Sydney Sweeney can have an Oscar.
New Hampshire? More Like NEWS Hampshire
The woman half of the cheaters who got caught on the kiss cam at the Coldplay concert has filed for divorce in New Hampshire. What I like about this is how fun it is that little factoids about these people keep slowly leaking out to keep it fresh in our minds at all times. We are going to know what these people are up to forever.
Succession star Nicholas Braun (Cousin Greg) was arrested for driving under the influence in New Hampshire. I do not want to make light of this because drunk driving is bad and dangerous, but like, this is such a tame place to get a DUI. Who parties in New Hampshire?
This concludes my section on stuff that has been happening in New Hampshire.
Florida? More like Floridepressing
In addition to the state of Florida going the exact opposite direction of us vaccines-wise, they’re also making a real mess out of education. More parents there opt to homeschool, and People magazine recently caught up with one of them: this mom takes her children to Disneyworld several times a week as part of their homeschooling curriculum. She said they do math with wait times, and read through signage, and are great at reading a map. And like, lady, that isn’t an education for living; that is an education for being at a theme park.
Women in STEM
Reese Witherspoon has been applauded for backing projects of women in the arts, but she is also weirdly outspoken in favor of women using AI, which destroys art. She said it’s important for women to be involved as AI use expands in the film industry and I don’t get what she means. Involved how? Girlbossing the degradation of a creative industry is not a #slay, queen.
Fellow rich lady who is very in touch with what women want to do with their time, designer Stella McCartney, has a new campaign out called “Laptop to Lapdance,” meant to capture the dual lives led by today’s working women. Right, gals? Like how we are always slamming our laptops shut and then rushing off to be perceived? It’s not enough to be good at email—we have to be good at email and hot at the same time. But I want to be clear with you: every email I have ever sent was written with crumbs in my hair. This is not going to be the collection for me.
Fashionwise, while I would never buy anything from Shein, I am intrigued that they’ve been putting Luigi Mangione‘s face on their models. What’s hilarious about this is that someone somewhere told AI to give their computer-generated model the face of an American man who is trusted by women, and the algo was like: I got your guy. Just because the technology is bad doesn’t mean it’s wrong!
Local Trash
Our own Kevin Foster recently wrote about how PSU pivoted on their return-to-office plan and will require most staff to show up in person five times a week in November. The University argues that it’s about having a vibrant campus and community, which I get in theory, but I wonder how vibrant it’s going to feel with a bunch of disgruntled office workers all over the place. Perhaps they should check out Stella McCartney’s new collection? How could they possibly be mad about having to go to work in-person when they could do so sexually?
Also, back to that nasty Trump: He recently said that living in Portland is like “living in hell.” And I get it! I went to a neighborhood block party this past weekend, and I am generally shy in person but everyone was friendly so I talked to strangers. (Hell is community.) It’s cool enough in the evenings now that I can walk my dog after dinner instead of hate-read the news. (Hell is dogs.) This year’s summer was mild enough that my pear tree didn’t get cooked and now my harvest is too plentiful. (Hell is produce.)
See you in Hell (in a good way),
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Elinor Jones
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