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Hello, Trash Pandas! I’m Elinor Jones. Welcome to this very special Trash Report for our extremely special Fall Arts Guide. Did you know that gossipping about celebrities and current events counts as “art?” It’s true! As such, this is basically art school. Congratulations on following your dreams. I’m your professor, Bob Ross, and we’re about to turn this dumpster fire we call reality into a bunch of happy little trees.
Jewelry is Art
The biggest news of the season is obviously the engagement of Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. Are you sick of hearing about it? Too bad! I have opinions! People are talking about what trends Taylor is setting with her ginormous engagement ring—as if the only thing preventing a normal human from wearing a five million dollar rock is because a celebrity hadn’t suggested it yet. It’s the Kris Jenner facelift of jewelry—pretty on Instagram, but yikes out in the real world. The conservative manosphere is excited about the engagement because they think Taylor will stop supporting Democrats for political office once she settles down and has babies. This just shows how much they don’t talk to women, because every mom I know (myself included) has only become more rabidly leftist with every passing day of existence in a society that treats children and families the way that it does ours. These manosphere dummies are also calling her “the future Mrs. Kelce,” like it’s a given that she’ll change her name but he won’t. Listen, it’s a lot easier to change the name on a few football jerseys than replace a billion posters hung in girls’ bedrooms all over the world.
And that’s what I have to say about that. (For now.)
Speaking of jewelry, Jordan Hudson, the 24-year-old fiance of the famed football coach Bill Belichick (age 73), has filed to trademark the term “gold digger” so she can sell jewelry and keychains. If she is successful, would Kanye West have to split his Spotify money from people listening to the song “Gold Digger”? More importantly, would this mean that prospectors have to start cutting her a check whenever they want to talk about what to do about the gold “up in them thar hills”? I am keeping my eye on this and I’ll get in on the ground floor; I can’t get my hands on a Labubu and I need something stupid and overpriced to clip to my purse.
The Economy is Not Art
President Trash has been on one lately, kind of becoming a Midas, in that everything he touches literally turns to gold because he has tacky taste. However, everything he touches metaphorically turns to shit, because he is evil and bad at his job. His disastrous tariffs have got us on the brink of a new recession, and as a millennial, whatever. Having been through a few of these already, we are grizzled and cynical and none of us actually believe that we’ll retire in any semblance of financial security anyway—so I say let that whole stock market piss itself away into oblivion and let us spend our last $12 on avocado toast in peace.
Mrs. Trash, Melania Trump, was recently in consideration to land the coveted cover of Vanity Fair, which reportedly had at least one editor blow up, saying “I will walk out that motherfucking door, and half my staff will follow me.” This has the MAGA crowd all worked up, because they love getting worked up. Melania responded to the controversy by saying that she was too busy for a magazine cover anyway. After all, we are nearing the holiday season, and she needs to start working on this year’s White House Christmas decor; this year’s theme is reportedly “Winter Woodland” and she’s got meetings set with Cruella de Vil and Kristi Noem on how to work adorable little critters into the arrangement.
Nostalgia is Art
This time of year also marks the beginning of “Fancy Movie Season,” when studios release their Oscar bait for consideration in the winter awards shows. If this is not your scene, fear not: the first of the Twilight film series is also being rereleased in theaters this year in honor of the 20th anniversary of the first book’s release, which makes no damn sense! I hate telling shameless capitalists how to do their cash grabs better, but they really should be rereleasing the book now, and then the movie in three years! They’re missing a whole medium to exploit. Swear to god, the idiots in charge have no idea how to properly separate millennials from their meager savings. I already said, we have pretty much no hope for our economic future! Shut up and take our money!!
If you can’t make it to the movies, the longer nights and cooler temperatures are perfect for settling into your favorite comfort cooking show, Great British Baking Show, which has a new season out. Not only that, but former contestant Ruby Tandoh (the soft-spoken, curly-haired goddess from season four) is coming out with a new book called All-Consuming: Why We Eat the Way We Eat. Not only that, she released an essay in the New Yorker about her time on the program, saying that producers goaded the contestants on the canonically-kind show. I’m both extremely interested in reading it and fearful of any further revelations.What if it’s all a front? What if they aren’t actually nice? What if they dub in all those bird chips and lamb baaaas to mask abusive producers and vicious screaming matches? I recently read You Wanna Be on Top by former America’s Next Top Model contestant Sarah Hartshorne, and while I was not surprised about how those hungry young women were treated, it still made me feel gross about having watched and enjoyed the show. The inherent goodness of Great British Baking Show is doing a lot of heavy lifting for us in these tumultuous times, and I don’t know what I’d do if all that is blown up.
Beautiful Bald Heads are Definitely Art
In other good news, the city of Chicago just hosted its first annual “Bald Off” competition, where dozens of hairless hotties competed for the title of “Baddest Baldie” and the honor of donning a crown on their otherwise unadorned domes. The winner was dressed as Mister Clean, but there were several other creative costumes, including Charlie Brown, Squidward, and even a few blue Tobias Funkes. I commend them all for their bravery in braving their bald heads on a sunny summer day. Maybe next year, instead of a crown, the winner could get a large sun hat?
Gossip is Art
Check out the Mercury‘s Fall Arts issue (in print and on the streets) in which I have an interview with the brilliant minds behind the hit podcast Normal Gossip! While you may not believe that gossip is art, cultivating community and relationships is art, and what are friends for if not whispering secrets about bitches you hate? You have to admit, I’ve got you there! Thank you for reading, for caring, for loving, and most of all, for talking shit.
Yours Always,
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Elinor Jones
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