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Hello, Trash Pandas! It’s me, Elinor Jones, with a special end-of-the-year Trash Report. This year certainly was something, wasn’t it? To put it in perspective, when the year began, Joe Biden was still the president (remember him?!), and Blake Lively was just entering into litigation with former costar Justin Baldoni stemming from alleged sexual harassment on the set of the movie It Ends With Us. Were we ever so young? This has been a long-ass year filled with some truly awful events, but just as we must rest our screen-addled eyes by occasionally going outside (or switching screens), we must also turn our focus from the horrors to enjoy some low-stakes trash. Gather round, my precious dummies, for I do not have anything stressful for you to read.
Trash of the Year
The hottest trash of 2025 has gotta be any rubble from the destroyed East Wing of the White House. I am honestly kinda shocked that Trump didn’t spray paint the historic chunks of masonry gold and auction it off to the highest bidder—but since he didn’t, that leaves the opportunity open for some plucky Virginian who’s got time to comb through the demolition fragments at the dump. This could be a lucrative option for any of the thousands of Federal workers whose jobs were eliminated by the evil empire. It’s like they always say, “when life gives you trash, make tchotchkes out of it that you can sell to earnest liberals.”
Couple of the Year
This might be controversial, but it’s Justin Trudeau and Katy Perry. Hang on, hang on… hear me out! Isn’t it weird how both of them are punching above their weight? How is that even possible? Neither independently hold any mystique, like—at all—but together they somehow become interesting. 1+1 = 100 and it makes no damn sense! These boring people intrigue me deeply!! They are the couple that Tom Cruise and Ana de Armas wanted to be, but their ick was imbalanced, whereas Justin and Katy’s align perfectly.
Conspiracy of the Year
In semi-related news, Kim Kardashian is now claiming that NASA faked the moon landing, a decision that she allegedly came to based on extensive “TikTok research.” So. This is a dumb thing to say. But also, there is no way that Kim believes this. Say what you will about her, but the woman is not an idiot. My conspiracy theory about her conspiracy theory is that SHE ALSO WANTS TO GO TO SPACE. Like Katy Perry did, but better. Kim is claiming that nobody went to the moon because she intends to go to the moon, and I think she’s gonna get NASA to send her there for free. Now it makes sense why Kim wasn’t on the Bezos girlboss spaceship to nowhere: Kim is extra, and she wants more than a cheesy zero-gravity photo op, and she is going to get it. Mark my words, Skims will be selling astronaut suits by 2027.
Basic Bitch of the Year
It was around this time last year that Luigi Mangione killed the United Healthcare CEO in broad daylight, becoming an instant celebrity and bonafide heartthrob (even though, to be clear, murder is bad). Recent news has emerged that, not only is he beloved in his New York jail, but his fellow prisoners/besties enjoy ribbing him for listening to Taylor Swift and Charli xcx. While I feel like it would be depressing to listen to songs about getting dicked down by a football star, or hoovering drugs at the club while incarcerated, I appreciate Mangione telling the girlies what they want to hear.
Heist of the Year
Speaking of crime, I think the Louvre robbery will be forever beloved for its brazenness and simplicity*. We all learned a very important lesson, which is that those glass cases in museums really are as breakable as they look, and any rando can get close to priceless artifacts, and the British Museum might want to do a little soul-searching before their stolen shit starts walking out the door or down a ladder truck.
*I could also see this being one of those things that is huge for about three weeks and then, in like May of next year, we’ve completely forgotten it happened, because all of our brains are deeply damaged.
Trash TV of the Year
The pitch meeting went like this: “Desperate Housewives, but Texas.” “Mmm, no.” “They’re rich conservatives!” “Boring.” “They’re also devious lesbians?” “NOW we’re talking!” Or so I like to imagine. The summer hit Hunting Wives shot off like a rifle (that is in no way a metaphor for something else) into our hearts and other areas. The show technically stars Malin Ackerman and Brittany Snow as two gal pals whose shirts keep falling off, but the true stars of the show are the terrible wigs all the actors wear. This adds to the trash factor in a way that not even the excessive close-ups of moaning women can pull off. Season 2 is about to start shooting, and I’m worried the show’s popularity will score it better-fitting wigs, which would make it much less fun. I suppose we shall wait and see. The only thing I can for sure predict about the next season is that we should not watch it on an airplane.
Breakup of the Year
Lily Allen and David Harbour split up after five years of marriage, and I didn’t have a lot of interest in it until she released her latest album, West End Girl. It is one of the juiciest, meanest breakup albums of all time. While I don’t wish such a messy breakup on anyone, I am glad that it happened, because now we get to listen to a song called “Pussy Palace” while we’re grocery shopping.
Song of the Year
“Pussy Palace,” obviously. Honorable mention: “Golden” from K-Pop Demon Hunters. This song has been stuck in my head for five months. I don’t remember not remembering it. I don’t even remember deciding it should get the honorable mention. It is simply part of me now.
Numbers of the Year
6 7. I don’t get it either. But hopefully by me writing about it, this dumb thing the children say will cease to become cool, and we can count to 10 in peace again. We can’t keep jumping from 5 to 8 or saying that dinner will be ready at a half-dozen.
City of the Year
Congratulations, Portland, for being the best city of the year, every year. We got our name dragged through the mud, but it’s gorgeously united us, and reminded all of us why this place is so special. Sure, we may be bad at driving, and many of us will randomly yield for a pedestrian who is jaywalking, which only confuses the pedestrian and all the other cars, and ultimately makes everyone less safe, although it still seems like the right thing to do and we’ll do it again, but we’ve got spirit, and it’s amazing what we can do even though it’s rainy and we’re depressed. Thank you for reading, for caring, for making it to 2026. I’ll be so happy to see you there.
Love,
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Elinor Jones
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