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Modern dating can mess with your head. You finally meet someone you like . . . and suddenly the pressure kicks in. You start overthinking texts, softening your boundaries, and trying to “win” someone instead of just being yourself.
If you’ve ever caught yourself getting attached too fast or reading into every little signal, today’s new video will change the game. You’ll learn how to stay grounded, protect your confidence, and find the sweet spot between showing interest and keeping your self-respect.
Matthew Hussey:
Modern dating can leave you feeling hopeless. It is endless scrolling and swiping and ghosting and rejection and heightened egos when no one wants to get caught giving more than the other person. But then something seemingly amazing happens. You meet someone you actually liked. Maybe after years or decades of trying and they reciprocate some of that interest too. Suddenly the stakes feel so high and this moment that seems rare and incredible and like everything you’ve been hoping for, actually becomes the most dangerous moment in dating.
And it has the highest potential to kill any attraction that a person could feel for you. We go from being ourselves to being in a position where we feel like we need that person to like us, too. We lose our standards and our boundaries, and suddenly we do things and act in ways that are totally unnatural to us.
Our brain decides that they are the prize and we are working to attain them. And when you position someone like that in your mind, you give away your agency and your power without realizing it. So now we know why it’s dangerous. Let’s talk about what we can actually do about it. For those of you who are new here, I am Matthew Hussey.
I have been a love life coach for almost 20 years. I’ve helped hundreds of thousands of people navigate challenges in their lives through my love Life coaching group. I’ve written two New York Times bestselling books on this subject, and on this channel, I help you develop a better relationship with other people, with yourself, and with life itself. By the way, I would really appreciate it if you would subscribe and give this video a like so that other people like you can find it too.
Part of what makes this moment so dangerous is that it happens subconsciously. We’re unaware of how sneakily this completely involuntary and natural urge to want to impress. And when someone overtakes hold, as I have said many times on this channel, our instincts can guide us in the wrong direction. Despite all of the advice that’s out there to follow our hearts, what’s particularly tricky in dating is that we have an attachment to the outcome we both want and need love.
Now, that’s not to say that we can’t be happy without a relationship or love, but if we’re dating, our likely goal is to find something meaningful, both from a place of wanting it and from feeling like we need it. When we so want to be in a loving and committed relationship. Our feelings can cloud our minds. We start acting in ways that we would never advise our friends to.
It completely hijacks our ability to think objectively. We may even put unrealistic standards on the person we like and criticize every move of theirs, like it’s a life and death scenario. For example, they don’t respond to a text we’ve sent. Suddenly they’re awful or they’re ghosting us, and it hits our ego in a way where we feel like we need to call them out harshly, or take revenge by ghosting them back.
If they do reach out, even if they had a legitimate excuse, or a general pattern of just not being the best texter, neither of which has anything to do with how they feel about you, or you become too proactive in reaching out to them. Asking to set up a date, even though they haven’t shown any initiative or enthusiasm in hearing from you.
If you’ve been single for a long time, you might feel hopeless about dating. And this has two big risks. The first is that we give up, and in giving up, we risk wasting our potential in life. But the other risk that people don’t see coming is that you might actually meet someone you like. And when that happens and they give you a shred of interest back, that hopelessness you previously felt very quickly morphs into desperation and obsession.
And all of a sudden you have someone where you think, oh my God, this is a shooting star moment. I have to grab on to this with both hands. And now we stop being ourselves and we start turning into something else. We act irrationally. We act insecurely. And from that place of obsession, we risk pushing the right person away.
And God help us if we do push them away. Because then that obsession turns into story. We create a story about how right that situation was, how amazing that person was, and how you’ll never get over them. And then that story runs the risk of becoming true. Not because they were so great, but because when you repeat that story enough times, it feels like truth.
So now any time you go on a date with another person, you immediately compare this brand new person who you barely know to a relationship that never actually happened with someone you thought would be an incredible partner, but who never actually had to prove it. You see where hopelessness runs the risk of having us waste our potential obsession comes with the risk of wasting our life.
Hopelessness and obsession are the same person just on different parts of the journey. So what do we do in these scenarios? Well, I have to specific things that you can do in this situation. The first is to just ask me whatever your specific problem or solution is, I have the answer for you and you can get that answer from Matthew AI.
You can say, hey Matthew, I hit it off with someone on a dating app. We spoke for three hours on the phone, and he said he’d make plans to see me, but it never happened because he got flaky. A couple of weeks later, I followed up and got an answer that he’s busy with work. It’s been six months now and he is still on my mind.
Would it be crazy for me to reach out to him again to see if circumstances are different? I haven’t had a connection like this before, but I’d feel desperate reaching out now because it’s weird that I’m still thinking about him six months later. People on Reddit might say move on. If he wanted to see you, he would. Others might tell you to reach out and get excited because you only live once.
For a more specific answer tailored to your situation, Matthew AI will give you nuance because it is trained on 18 years of my programs, my data, and my videos, and you can get access to Matthew AI and even try it for free at AskMH.com. Now let’s get to the second thing you can do in these early dating stages.
Look, the great news is that you have clicked on this video and you are now aware of the problem, so you can much more easily recognize if this is happening to you. Being aware that this moment is dangerous will ground you in reality. Instead of thinking, oh my God, I need this to work out with this person and then giving them all the power in the process, you can bring awareness to it and say, oh, I’m doing that thing right now that I do, where I make this person way too important, and then bring your attention back to the truth, the all you can do in this situation is your part.
Remembering that the outcome of it all is not in your control. You can show up as your best self in texts. You can show up as your best self in conversation. You can follow through on plans, show interest, but all the while be mindful in checking in with yourself and asking am I investing? So based on how much I like this person, which is dangerous?
Or am I investing based on how much they’re also investing in me? The real nuanced balance that we are trying to strike here is a tricky one between proactivity, taking action, and pride that thing that protects us. These are two ends of the spectrum. Much of the dating advice online these days gives us too many reasons to cut things off at the first sign of discomfort, but finding love is often a bit of a messy process.
It’s not always simple and falls within these neat lines of these roles. We’ve set for ourself above about what someone can and can’t do. If you’ve never met someone, for example, and they’re being flaky at setting up a plan to meet you, you could take that personally and write them off for good. Or you might say that it doesn’t hurt for me to use this as an opportunity to practice a little bit of proactivity and humility and reach out to them again and see if there’s any potential there.
It wouldn’t be wise to reach out to them with the same enthusiasm you initially had, because now they’ve shown you that they’re flaky. So sure, they’ve taken up a new spot in your mind, one that’s less prioritized than before. But it’s important to remember that this person doesn’t know you yet and how they’re behaving isn’t a rejection of you.
It might be reflective of their patterns, or the weak they’re having, or simply the fact that you’re not that important to them yet. And maybe that’s appropriate. Whether their patterns can change or next week will be different, or you or anybody can become important to them, can only be revealed over time if they keep fobbing you off. Now they’re showing you that unreliable, and you have to step back from the dynamic with a strong sense of self, knowing you tried, but that it didn’t break you.
Look, I believe that if we want to have more success in love, we have to redefine what winning and losing looks like. There’s a lot of ego in dating today. People are very, very conscious of not giving up their power. But to me, winning isn’t getting that person or getting on a date with them. A win might be something more subtle.
It might be that where a younger, more prideful you would have cut someone off without a thought because your ego got threatened. Today’s you give someone a chance knowing that you can leave fully confident even if it doesn’t work out. Confidence and being seen as secure does not mean that you never put yourself in a vulnerable position with someone you like.
It doesn’t mean that you act aloof and like you don’t care. When someone ghosts or acts flaky is having the ability to walk away with your confidence still intact despite the outcome. That’s how you navigate these emotionally dangerous moments in dating safely. Here’s something to remember when we put into little effort in dating. That often represents insecurity. But when we put in too much effort that represents insecurity too.
In the middle of those two things is the sweet spot of vulnerability, and what I think of as generosity of spirit. That is the territory we’re aiming for if we want to maximize our opportunities in love. So if you want to know what your new definition of winning today would look like, you might say I had a generosity of spirit in the way I approached that situation, and a younger me would have been far too scared to do that.
That’s your win. A good litmus test question you can ask yourself in these situations is this how much can I give to this situation while still feeling proud of myself? If it didn’t work out? In other words, you don’t want to give an amount that if it doesn’t work out, you feel shameful and you’re like, why on earth did I try that hard?
But you want to give enough that you feel proud you didn’t leave something on the table. This video is not advocating that you keep showing attention to someone who isn’t reciprocating, nor is it asking you to constantly put your heart on the line. But if you’re approaching an unknown situation from a place of calm and not getting attached to outcome, it might be good to practice a little vulnerability now and again.
I think, Matthew AI put it best when we asked him the question I posed earlier. Here’s what he said. Reaching out isn’t inherently desperate. It’s all about the intention and the way you approach it. If you decide to reach out, keep it light and casual, you might say something like, hey, I’ve been thinking about our conversation and wondered how you’ve been.
If you’re up for it. Maybe we could catch up over coffee sometime. This way you’re opening the door without putting too much pressure on the situation. Chef’s kiss. Now here’s my ask from you if you made it to the end of this video. Leave me in the comment section a situation that you are struggling with right now, and how you might navigate it with this new pride and proactivity framework in mind.
Maybe you can even tell me whether you’re somebody who leans too much towards pride, or whether you lean too much towards proactivity. I would love to hear from you and I love reading your comments. Thank you for watching and I will see you next time.
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