The Abby Love Smoothies Episode of Nobody Wants This and the A Woman’s Right to Shoes Episode of Sex and the City, Or: What’s With Self-Righteous Cunts With Kids Always Asking Guests to Take Their Shoes Off?

In yet another example of how Sex and the City has already covered everything Nobody Wants This does, the fifth episode of season two, “Abby Loves Smoothies,” finds Joanne (Kristen Bell) being forced to remove her shoes at the Jewish naming ceremony of the newborn child of an ex-friend (specifically, from Joanne’s junior high era). That friend, Abby Kaplan (played by Leighton Meester, who’s having a bit of a moment between this guest appearance [after all, she’s married to one of the leads] and her role on I Love LA), stands accused of cutting off the hair of her American Girl doll (namely, Felicity) in a fit of rage after being denied the request to go to bed early at one of Joanne’s sleepovers. Worst of all, when confronted about the heinous act, Abby denied any culpability. This being something that Joanne explains to Noah (Adam Brody), Sasha (Timothy Simons) and Esther (Jackie Tohn) during an evening of apparent “couples bowling.”

The opportunity to express her long-standing contempt for this person comes up when Noah mentions that he has his first gig since leaving Temple Chai: a brit bat a.k.a. baby naming. The baby naming in question being for Abby and her husband, Gabe (Joe Gillette), less than it is for their newborn, “Afternoon.” Much in the same way that, when Carrie Bradshaw (Sarah Jessica Parker) and Stanford Blatch (Willie Garson) attend a party “to celebrate the arrival of baby boy Bronson [his last name], latest son of Kyra and Chuck,” it’s more for Kyra (Tatum O’Neal), than it is for the baby, or even Chuck (Brian Sullivan). The episode, titled “A Woman’s Right to Shoes,” immediately kicks off with a bang in that Carrie is asked by Kyra’s sister, Margot (Samantha Buck), to remove her shoes. Not just any “shoes,” mind you, because this is Carrie Bradshaw, and of course she’s wearing four-hundred-plus Manolo Blahniks to what’s supposed to be a baby party.

Carrie barely conceals her horror when she looks over at the pile of shoes near the elevator (because, yes, the elevator opens into their apartment, as Kyra and Chuck are foil rich assholes to Abby and Gabe). Clocking her disdain, Margot smilingly adds, “Kyra and Chuck don’t like outside dirt coming in. The twins are always picking things up off the floor.” Carrie remains reluctant, trying to reason, “But this is an outfit.” To this, Margot layers on even more passive-aggressive flair with the response, “Uh huh. They’d really appreciate it.”  

A similar scenario befalls Joanne at Abby’s house. For, after exchanging faux pleasantries and Abby claiming she doesn’t know why they all stopped hanging out (this extends to Joanne’s sister, Morgan [Justine Lupe], who was blamed for the doll hair-cutting incident a.k.a. [Felicity-gate] in question), she sizes Joanne up more fully and takes in her shoes before asking, “Do you mind taking off your heels? Just for the floors” (not even bothering to bring “children” into the matter as a direct excuse, but still, it’s a fundamental part of her “request” a.k.a. command). In a similar fashion to Carrie, Joanne is horrified by this “gentle nudge,” uneasily replying, “Oh, I would, but they really complete my outfit.”

So it is that she gives the same reason that Carrie had. And, in this case, too, the explanation is “unmoving” to the self-righteous cunt of an asker. Though Joanne might have retained her resolve not to do it, it’s Noah that mutters under his breath for her to just oblige, what with him needing to look good on the job. Joanne then points out, “Well, she’s wearing heels.” Then, to Abby, “You’re wearing heels.” Abby, in all her continued self-righteous, is happy to explain, “These are my house wedges. I’ve never worn them outside.” So it is that she presses, “If you don’t mind… I hate to ask.” “It’s not a big deal,” Joanne lies as she grudgingly takes off her shoes to reveal mismatched socks and a much shorter height. Something Abby wastes no time in pointing out with the exclamation, “I forgot how short you are!”

Carrie at least can make fun of her own shortness by turning to Stanford as they go more fully inside the apartment, lamenting, “Well, now I’m so teeny I might bump my head on the coffee table.” As the two get through the rest of the night listening to Kyra and Chuck’s tedious stories, including one about how they swooped in to buy a house out from under the nose of the Nick & Toni’s owners (one presumes this happened before co-owner Jeff Salaway died in 2001), thereby not being able to get a table there for the rest of the summer, Stanford is the one to commence their segue out of the party with, “Well, it’s getting late.” And so, as the pair starts to leave, it doesn’t take long for Carrie to notice that her shoes have mysteriously gone missing. When she confronts Kyra about it, she’s annoyingly blasé, loosely assuring Carrie that she’s sure they’ll turn up soon. In the meantime, Kyra offers her some very anti-Carrie sneakers to walk home in.

So it is that Carrie is left to wonder why she is even friends with ilk like this. Ilk that not only makes her take her shoes off at a so-called party, but also makes her feel guilty for being so “into it” about a pair of shoes. This further compounded when she shows up at Kyra’s apartment again under the pretense of returning shoes, continuing to look at her hopefully until Kyra exclaims that she should have offered to pay for them, adding, “You know, you have kids and you lose all sense of social decency.” She then invites Carrie in, flashing her dagger-y look when she dares to try, again, entering with her shoes on. So, once more, Carrie removes them. Whatever it takes to get the money she needs to buy a new pair. Or so she thinks. Because when she does tell Kyra the amount, “Four hundred and eighty-five,” Kyra stops looking so down to write a check and responds, “Come on Carrie, that’s insane.” Carrie awkwardly returns, “Well, that’s what they cost.”

Suddenly acting like she doesn’t have a penthouse and a property in the Hamptons (but then, that’s how rich people stay rich), Kyra makes like it’s an auction and says, “I’ll give you two hundred dollars.” Carrie is stunned by the entire exchange, reminding, “You know how much Manolos are, you used to wear Manolos.” Ratcheting up the cunt quotient, Kyra ripostes, “Sure, before I had a real life.” It takes Carrie a moment to believe what she’s hearing before she says, “I have a real life.” Kyra is unaffected, standing her ground by insisting, “No offense Carrie, but I really don’t think we should have to pay for your extravagant lifestyle.” When Carrie reminds that it wasn’t her choice to take her shoes off, all Kyra can say is that they’re just shoes.

Joanne, of course, never would have tolerated this behavior, up to a certain point. Especially not with her sister around to remind her to “have a spine.” Which Morgan clearly must have since she’s still traipsing around the Kaplans’ house with her thigh-high boots on, wandering into the nursery to talk shit with Joanne. But when Abby catches them in there, she sternly demands, “Are you wearing boots in the nursery?” “No,” Morgan says, her boots fully propped up on the crib. And yet, unlike Kyra, Abby doesn’t act quite as cunty in the end, confessing that she’s been a longtime fan of their podcast and that’s actually why she hired Noah, knowing that he’s Joanne’s boyfriend precisely because of the podcast (and just like that, she goes from cunt to “the roommate”). Even so, it doesn’t mitigate the fact that, like Kyra, she’s a nit-picking control freak who seems to believe that she’s above everyone else and their “bullshit” while being the biggest bullshit of all.

At the very least, however, Carrie did get her shoes bought back for her in the end. Even if it took some carefully-worded finagling—“I’m getting married…to myself”—to make Kyra see the light and purchase the shoes from her “Manolo Blahnik registry.” Joanne, meanwhile, doesn’t quite need the “special” shoes Carrie mentions in her concluding voiceover of the episode: “Sometimes it’s hard to walk in a single woman’s shoes. That’s why we need really special ones now and then to make the walk a little more fun.” Joanne, hardly a single girl, could have, thus, perhaps dealt with losing her shoes at Abby’s party. Then again, that would be underestimating her level of cuntiness. As Kyra did Carrie’s.