Ecclesiastes 3:4 says there is a time to weep, and a time to laugh, and chances are it’s time to laugh in your marriage, especially if you’ve gotten too busy. In our book, When Couples Walk Together, my husband and I explored the benefits of laughing together. Yes, life is serious, and apparently busy.
But your marriage may be dying for some laughter. And if it is, you’re obviously too busy.
My brother works as an analyst and code-breaker for the FBI. At times he deals with disturbing matters that he doesn’t want to take home with him. Because of that, he sees the value of looking for comedic events throughout the day to share with his wife, who is a second-grade teacher and does the same.
This helps keep laugher in their marriage and sanity in their lives. Each evening they share the humorous events of their separate days and make sure the other knows all about their interactions at work so they better understand the funny events that occur.
They even come up with code names for people so they can talk or laugh about it with some privacy in front of their children. Sometimes you have to go covert with the funny things you share. But that creates a bond, too.
And keeping laughter in your marriage not only eases the stress, it keeps you talking and being deliberate and intentional in your marriage so you don’t let busyness or the burdens of the day overtake your marriage, too.
8. More Than Six Months Has Passed Since the Two of You Went Away Together
If you’re not getting away together at least twice a year, just you and your spouse, then you’re definitely too busy (or your marriage is not a priority).
Most jobs allow at least two weeks of paid vacation a year. If you don’t get that, there are weekends. If either of you is working without at least two days off a week, you’re putting work or finances or the need to be busy over the health of your marriage. Make the sacrifice.
My husband hasn’t had paid vacations in several years, now that he’s working two part-time jobs. Yet, we save all year to make up for his time off so that we can have some extended time together.
What are you willing to sacrifice for the sake of your marriage? What are you willing to invest so the two of you can have a closer connection?
Work can wait. The job can wait. In-laws and friends and expectations others have on you can wait. But perhaps your marriage can’t.
You didn’t commit “til death do us part” to your employer or even your extended family. Invest in what matters most or make it a matter of prayer so that you can. God honors your desire to invest time in your marriage.
Bring Him into the picture, surrender to His ways, and see Him come through for you by providing the rest you need.
I began a ministry for single mothers almost two decades ago and have had the privilege of talking to thousands of single mothers across the U.S. Through the years, I’ve conducted many Q&A’s and, of course, the regular questions of sex, dating, loneliness, and future mates come up often. But I’ve recently been struck by the number of conversations where the term “narcissist” has come up. So I began to do a little research. Sure enough, narcissism seems to be on the rise – or at least is being charted as such. According to the National Institutes of Health, modern western societies are experiencing a narcissism pandemic that rose from a reported 12% in 1963 to 77% in 1992 among adolescents. In its simplest interpretation, an Ohio State University study in 2021 defined narcissism as “entitled self-importance.” But why the rise?
Could it be the helicopter parenting of the 1980s and 1990s, where children perceived that their parents’ worlds revolved solely around them, backfired? Could it be the increased pressure of social media and the promotion of the Instagram-famous, YouTubers, likes, clicks, and followers finally caught up with us? Could it be that “die to self” and “pick up your cross and follow me” died and the world laid down their crosses and picked up their egos? I have no doubt that the further the world migrates to the culture of anything goes, New Ageism, paganism, worship of self, and truth as only “your truth” and not the undeniable truth of the Creator of heaven and earth, we will see this trend continue.
So, how do you identify if you may be dating a narcissist? Here are eight clues. While no one tip exclusively denotes that you are dating a narcissist, a combo thereof would be a clue!
1. Narcissists Obsess About Success
Their importance is defined by their accomplishments. How quickly they climb the corporate ladder or achieve social media followers or accomplish their goal matters to them. They will likely list their resume of accomplishments early on in the relationship in hopes of impressing you. They may cite their resume of accomplishments in social settings, erroneously thinking their worth is tied to their resume.
2. Narcissists Want to Be Admired for Their Attractiveness
While caring about your appearance is certainly not an outright sign of narcissism, the obsession with it can be. Clothing, hair, and how others perceive their attractiveness is of paramount importance. It is important they perceive themselves as the most attractive in a room. It is not uncommon that designer cars, clothes, high-end jewelry, and the like, would be especially important to complete their “look.”
3. Narcissists Want to Be Perceived as Heroes
Initial impressions will yield immense kindness, good manners, and chivalry. They are often charismatic and well-liked by the general public, as many won’t discern their true character. They want to be perceived as a “rescuer” rushing in to make your life easier. They will say things like, “I can’t believe someone treated you like that, before.” However, this hero persona is short-lived, and manipulation usually births quickly after that. (Note: The problem is that many get wrapped up in the early heroism and don’t see the tide shift!)
4. Narcissists Want to Be Validated and Needed
They fish for compliments and need their work to be acknowledged. They want you to acknowledge when they’ve washed your car, helped the elderly lady across the street, or volunteered at the soup kitchen. They will keep record of their service to you or others and will likely bring it up again. It is especially meaningful for them to be needed. When the car breaks down and leaves you roadside, this is of great merit to the narcissist, as it fuels their need to rescue, further solidifying that you can’t live without them. But for them, you wouldn’t survive.
5. Narcissists Hold Grudges
The Word teaches us that love keeps no record of wrongs (I Corinthians 13:5), but they do. They remember what you did and said. And they will attempt to get you back for it. They want you to pay. They strategize ways to do so and may sit on the revenge for some time. But make no mistake; they did not forget. Forgiveness is hard for them. They want someone to pay for their pain and hardship.
6. Narcissists Want Power and Control
This is a given. They want to be in charge and will go to great lengths to do so. It is much harder for them to follow others. They want to control their environments (and yours) and it could manifest through an obsession with tidiness, promptness, or organization. They tend to overreact when they aren’t in control, or things have not gone in a way that was previously projected.
7. Narcissists Are Very Jealous
They often need to be placed above all. In fact, many will pull you from God. They won’t say it this way, but they need to be worshiped above anything else, as your all in all. They promote idolatry in this way. They don’t mutually seek God with you. They seek to be God to you. They may be active in the church (as this can be a place to get power), but they aren’t seeking a deep relationship with their King. They want to control your relationship with the Lord.
8. Narcissists Truly Believe They Should Get Everything They Want
They are the epitome of the “me” culture. What about me? They expect those around them to be compliant in ensuring everything is always about them. How did they feel? How were they treated? Were they served first? Were they the first ones thought of? Their world revolves around them.
But here’s the really important part of understanding what is at play. Read 1 Kings. Read 2 Kings. Read Revelation. Narcissism is nothing but the Jezebel spirit. The Jezebel spirit isn’t exclusive to gender, nor is narcissism. Men and women alike are suffering with this. We must first recognize that we are not wrestling against flesh and blood enemies (Ephesians 6:12). We are battling evil rulers and authorities in the unseen world. Sadly, most of us aren’t fully aware of the spiritual war going on that so easily deceives us and steals our joy. Come against those evil spirits. Wrestle not against flesh.
Singles, you must take responsibility for your dating life and stop ignoring red flags when the Holy Spirit is guiding and leading. Stop trying to fix and counsel your way out of a narcissistic relationship. Stop ignoring the warning signs or making excuses for behavior. Stop dating narcissists. Stop marrying them. Do not be deceived into thinking you can fix them if you can just endure. The stronghold must be broken off them, which requires them to humble themselves, submit to the Lord, and fully walk in freedom with Him. Sadly, many will not do this. Do not enter into marital covenant with them, singles. It gets far more complicated – just ask any heartbroken divorcee. God has more for you. There are many good Christian men and women out there.
Jennifer Maggio is a mom to three, wife to Jeff, and founder of the national nonprofit, The Life of a Single Mom Ministries. She is author to four books, including The Church and the Single Mom. She was named one of the Top 10 Most Influential People in America by Dr. John Maxwell in 2017 and 2015 and has appeared in hundreds of media venues, including The New York Times, Family Talk Radio with Dr. James Dobson, Joni and Friends, and many others.
I’ve written about ways to set necessary—healthy—boundaries. But the above quote sparked a new thought: Since there are healthy boundaries, there must also be unhealthy ones.
Sadly, scores of damaging strategies sully our interactions. Despite the different details, all unhealthy boundaries share the same commonality—in the process of setting and enforcing that boundary, negativity usually sprouts. Somewhere.
It can manifest in the form of feelings (like resenting the yes you said under pressure) or bodily sensations and symptoms, making you feel unwell. But this adverse reaction can, and often will, culminate in strained relationships.
Consider these five unhealthy boundaries as an example:
1. Fueled by Fear
In certain circumstances—like having to outrun the mountain lion while hiking—it can be useful for fear to motivate your legs to pump faster. For the most part, however, authorizing fear to manage your decision-making process will likely backfire.
Let’s apply this principle to our topic. Say the pastor’s wife asks you to decorate the sanctuary for Easter. The thing is, you’ve already committed to organizing the egg hunt for kids’ church, and it’s your turn to host the extended family for the holiday meal this year.
The mere thought of spending all those hours—plus decorating the church—enthralls and exhausts you both.
But then a thought pops up. How can you turn down your own pastor? Don’t you want to be indispensable to the church? Useful?
If this thinking prompts you to nod your assent, beware. You’re on the brink of violating your boundary due to fear of people (Deuteronomy 1:17, Proverbs 29:25, Isaiah 51:12, John 7:13). This broad concept covers a multitude of fears—of letting others down, losing their acceptance, dreading their wrath—and is a common unhealthy boundary.
2. Lying to Escape
Is there someone in your world who specializes in being pushy? Perhaps it’s Ashley, who insists on dropping by on a random Wednesday because she’s bored. Never mind that you’ve just crawled through three meetings with enraged executives back-to-back and are ready for a bubble bath and subdued Bublé.
Experience expects that if you were to explain how exhausted you are, your friend would respond with a breezy excuse for why she should still come—something along the lines of she’ll fetch takeout for dinner, it has been forever, and besides, she won’t stay long.
So, you lie. “I have COVID.”
It’s the easiest way to save yourself from having to humor Ashley, you convince yourself.
However, the Lord hates a deceitful tongue (Proverbs 6:16-17). Lying to untangle yourself from an unwanted visit will make it easier to craft another lie the next time around. Who is to say determined—or dense—Ashley won’t treat you to a repeat performance? Yet, according to Scripture, liars qualify as those who will spend eternity in the fiery lake (Revelation 21:8).
Saying no requires fortitude but is worth the practice.
3. Triangulation
Bear with me as I continue the analogy.
Let’s say your friend stormed in anyway, commandeering your evening, despite your lie about COVID. (She’s double-boosted and recovered from COVID herself, Ashley purred.)
If her behavior upsets you so much that you text another friend about it, you’ve just triangulated your conflict.
As the word implies, triangulation happens when three persons tango together. Instead of confronting person A—the one we have issues with—we complain about person A to person B.
Dragging another party into your dissatisfaction right off the bat might complicate matters and is definitely unscriptural. Proverbs 25:9 states, “Debate your case with your neighbor, and do not disclose the secret to another” (NKJV).
4. Oversharing
Do you tend to overshare?
Pay attention to how others respond after you share. If you consistently receive anything but a warm response, it’s possible you might have shared too many intimate details too soon.
If this phenomenon describes you, ask yourself why you tend to function this way. Don’t try to figure out the answer—just ask and wait for an inner response. Is there something inside you that craves acceptance? Attention? Affection?
Unfortunately, oversharing will not facilitate these things. It might only discourage others from getting to know you better.
Think of setting boundaries with new acquaintances as introducing them to your abode.
A stranger should only be received on the porch (and told superficial things like where you work and what you do).
In contrast, a pal you’ve met a few times can step inside your place. Perhaps you two can chat in the living room. It’s appropriate to explain more intimate details about yourself, such as why you decided to pursue your profession despite the pressures to run the family business.
When that person has proven, over time, that she is worthy of a closer friendship, go ahead and entertain her in your kitchen—where you can both swap heartfelt stories.
5. Retaliating
“Boundaries are not a way to punish those we don’t like.” This Instagram post garnered the comment I shared in the beginning.
The idea seems straightforward. Whether it’s because we’ve highlighted enough sentences in boundary-related books or because we instinctively get it, it makes sense not to weaponize our boundaries against someone else.
But if you get into an unresolved brouhaha and time only dumps more misunderstanding and heartbreak, it can be tempting to retaliate.
Here’s the thing. Some may not call it retaliation and employ euphemisms instead, like “I have to stop talking to Ashley for the sake of my mental health.”
Which sounds good, especially for a psychologist like me. Mental health is a valuable commodity to protect.
But will you allow time and space for private—albeit honest—reflections? What’s the real reason behind your decision to set this particular boundary? Does the punishment, so to speak, fit the crime?
Weaponizing boundaries will never lead to a thriving relationship because it goes against Romans 12:18, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”
Unburden the Unhealthy
Anyone can learn the necessary skills to set healthy boundaries. But if the thought feels overwhelming, here are a few starting points you can adopt:
-If you’re tapped out, name it. Don’t let shame coax you to adopt another assignment, volunteer an additional day, or commit to doing anything you don’t have the bandwidth for. God never requires you to worship your church leadership, so decline your pastor’s request if need be.
–When you have to refuse relentless souls—think Ashley above—stand your ground. Say no with courage.
–Share precious details about your life only with trustworthy individuals. Jesus tells us, “Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces” (Matthew 7:6). The point isn’t to compare anyone to animals, but that there is a time for everything (Ecclesiastes 3:1). Disclose intimate details only when the time is right.
–Always strive to resolve misunderstandings. Follow the steps outlined in Matthew 18:15-17.
The last bullet point requires conflict resolution, which tends to intimidate many of us. (Perhaps that’s why resources on this topic abound.) If you enjoy freebies, however, download the bonus chapter for Surviving Difficult People, and you’ll receive manageable, bite-sized instructions.
With practice, you can rework anything in your life that contributes to setting—or maintaining—unhealthy boundaries.
Take it from someone who lied to set her boundary.
Audrey Davidheiser, PhD is a California licensed psychologist, certified Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapist and IFSI approved clinical consultant, as well as author of Surviving Difficult People: When Your Faith and Feelings Clash. After founding and directing a counseling center for the Los Angeles Dream Center, she now devotes her practice to survivors of trauma—including spiritual abuse. Visit her on www.aimforbreakthrough.comand Instagram @DrAudreyD.
Some people engaged in sexual relationships outside of marriage before they were believers, or someone has a mistake or a slip-up. People cave into lust because they are weak and sinful. Even Christians can succumb to temptation because until they are with Christ forever, they will be subject to the weakness of the flesh.
In both the Old and New Testaments, God promised that He is faithful to forgive for those who repent and have faith in Him. Through the prophet Isaiah, He declared, “Come now, let us reason together, says the Lord: though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall become like wool” (Isaiah 1:18). Scripture also promises, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9). God can and does forgive those who have sex outside of marriage, if they repent of their sin and turn to Jesus for salvation and forgiveness.
A Prayer for Those Waiting until Marriage to Have Sex
Holy Father,
I thank You that You invited men and women to be a part of creation through the gift of sexuality and sex within marriage. Thank you for blessing humanity with Your love, Your grace, and the blood of Jesus Christ, which paid the price for my sins. Lord, please be with me as I pursue Your will for my life, whether that is through singleness or marriage. Either way, Lord, please strengthen me through the Holy Spirit to resist the desire to look lustfully, to meditate on sexual things, or to engage in sexual activity outside the healthy boundaries You set. Help me to focus on what is pure, good, and noble like it says in Your Word, and give me the strength to wait.
In the name of Your Son Jesus Christ, I pray,
Amen.
Sex and sexuality is a gift from the Lord, which is why He dedicated a whole book of the Bible to it, which highlights the ups and downs of marriage, with an emphasis on the joys of physical intimacy. Christians should pursue sex in God’s boundaries, because it honors Him, and it is where they will find true satisfaction.
“As a lily among brambles, so is my love among the young women… My beloved speaks and says to me: ‘Arise, my love, my beautiful one, and come away,… My beloved is mine, and I am his” (Song of Solomon 2:2, 10, 16).
Sources
Driscoll, Mark and Grace. Real Romance Sex in the Song of Songs. XO Publishing, eBook, 2023.
Walvoord, John F. and Roy B. Zuck. The Bible Knowledge Commentary An Exposition of the Scriptures by Dallas Seminary Old Testament and New Testament. United States of America: Victor Books, 1987.
Wilmington, H.L. Wilmington’s Guide to the Bible. Wheaton: Tyndale House Publishers, 1981.
In his letter to the Corinthians, Paul warns about couples being unequally yoked. To be unequally yoked means for two people to have different opinions when it comes to their faith in God. 2 Corinthians 6:14 says, “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?” A yoke is a harness that farmers will place on two oxen to keep them together. When one ox pulls its head, the other follows. Because of this yoke, one ox can lead the other in a completely different direction from where it’s supposed to go.
It’s the same in the marriage relationship. A Christian who marries a non-Christian can easily be swayed into going down the wrong path. Unbelievers can sway believers or compromise on their faith practices. No one is immune; even the strongest Christian can fall away from the faith if not careful. Christians must surround themselves with other Christians so they can do life together. Jesus always paired disciples two by two. There is nowhere in the Bible where anyone did anything alone. Being alone makes us susceptible to the enemy’s schemes. A couple who chooses to get married should be on the same page regarding their values and faith.
Here are five reasons why it’s dangerous to be unequally yoked:
1. It Will Separate You from God
Not only do Christians need to have a personal relationship with God, but this relationship with God is also especially important because one partner teaches the other about Christ. There’s no coincidence that when Jesus sent out his disciples in Luke 9:1, he asked them to go out two by two: “When Jesus had called the Twelve together, he gave them power and authority to drive out all demons and to cure diseases, and he sent them out to proclaim the kingdom of God and to heal the sick.” Jesus knew it is easy to be swayed by the enemy when you’re alone. It is important to be in community with those who have like-minded faith and values, so you don’t waver from the work God is calling you to do.
2. It Devalues Your Partner
A Christian’s marriage partner is not their charity case. It is not fair for a Christian to believe they can change the other person when they get married or that the person will change their values once they get married. A couple should love each other for who they are. They can simply point each other to Christ, who will transform them into more Christ-like characters. It is best for each person in the marriage relationship to choose each other and keep their faith their priority. This is so there are no disagreements regarding regular church attendance, raising kids, or their views on religious practices that may or may not contribute to their salvation. Each religion has its own views on faith, salvation, and who God is. It is important that the couple shares the same Christian views so one does not try to change the other’s worldview in the future.
3. You Will Not Hold the Same Values
Even if you get away with not sharing the same view or your own personal faith journey, it is important when children become part of the family. Both partners need to have a united view on how they will raise their children when it comes to religion. Will they be more free-range and allow the child to choose? Will they follow the scripture and “train a child in the way he should go” (Proverbs 22:6)? Even if one partner is more spiritually mature than the other, both need to commit to reading the Word and praying together so their values will align. A couple not in unity over how to raise their kids will be disappointed when their children stray from the faith when they become adults.
4. It Will Hinder You from a Vibrant Relationship with God
Not only will your partner not hold the same values as you when it comes to faith, but he/she may also hinder your personal relationship with Jesus. One partner can be easily convinced by the other to skip church for one week. But as those habits develop, one week becomes one month, which becomes one year, and soon after, you won’t be able to remember when you last went to church. Without a local church to anchor you in the Word of God, and without a faithful prayer life, it will be easy to be swayed and your viewpoints altered more by your tv screen than your Bible. Prolonged exposure to cell phones, tv screens, and game consoles will alter your understanding of morality in God’s presence in the world. It will become easier to forget that God is in control of everything. He asked us to abide in his Word and abide in him so that through him, we can do the work that he is calling us to do.
However, if you choose to marry someone you think will change over time, make sure you are clear regarding your expectations involving your faith. Let your partner know that you choose to read the Word and pray regularly, want to attend church faithfully, and raise your children to do the same. Anyone who doesn’t hold that view is not someone you want to be with for the rest of your life. Marriage is a lifelong commitment. Divorce should not be an option unless necessary. Make sure you marry someone you can spend the rest of your life with.
5. It May Alter Your Calling
It is one thing not to attend church together or pray or read the Word regularly, but it is quite another if one person feels called into some sort of spiritual ministry. People who feel called into the pastoral ministry need to have a partner who feels equally as called. One partner that does not feel called will distance themselves from the church, and the church will suffer as a result. A church who hires a pastor deserves to have a couple who is equally as dedicated to the ministry. Although the couple may take on different roles, they both need to understand the priority it will take in their lives. Sometimes pastors are awakened in the middle of the night to visit a church member in the hospital and preside over funerals or weddings on weekends and other special days. A family makes great sacrifices when a person is in ministry. This is also true if a couple is called into mission work. Each partner must feel called into missions work, or else the ministry will suffer as a result.
For a marriage to be successful, both partner needs to share similar views on many different topics of life. But none is as true as their faith. If faith is a priority in your life, you want to marry someone who holds the same value. Hebrews 10:24 says: “And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds.” Not only will the two of you together be able to do sufficient work for the Kingdom, but you each will also grow and mature in your faith because of each other’s presence.
Michelle S. Lazurek is a multi-genre award-winning author, speaker, pastor’s wife, and mother. She is a literary agent for Wordwise Media Services and a certified writing coach. Her new children’s book Who God Wants Me to Be encourages girls to discover God’s plan for their careers. When not working, she enjoys sipping a Starbucks latte, collecting 80s memorabilia, and spending time with her family and her crazy dog. For more info, please visit her website www.michellelazurek.com.
Bitterness is something most of us have struggled with at some point during our life. It can be hard to uproot it if it is deeply planted in our hearts. However, God doesn’t want us to hold bitterness in our hearts because it will only hurt us and cause us heartache.
If you are struggling with bitterness in your heart, here are four ways to uproot it:
1. Forgiveness
One way to uproot bitterness in your heart is to forgive. Many people have hurt us in our lives, and it can feel impossible to forgive them. Unfortunately, we cannot uproot the bitterness in our hearts if we are holding onto unforgiveness. God wants us to forgive others just as He has forgiven us. If we choose to hold onto unforgiveness, it will only cause more pain. Very rarely will unforgiveness hurt the person against who we are holding unforgiveness towards. It will only hurt us.
Forgiving someone doesn’t mean what they did is okay. Often, we are taught growing up to say, “it’s okay” when someone apologizes to us. In time, this has caused us to connect forgiveness with saying that what they did is okay. This is not what forgiveness is. Rather, forgiveness is deciding to give the situation over to God. You can forgive someone and still say it’s not okay. Simply because you forgive someone doesn’t mean it’s okay, nor does it mean what they did is forgotten.
Forgiveness comes from God. He forgave all of our sins the moment we accepted His Son as our Savior and Lord. He no longer holds any of those sins against us, and He chooses to not associate us with those negative things. When he looks at us, He sees His Son instead of the evil we have in us. Since God has forgiven us of such horrible sins, we too can do our best to forgive others. Forgiveness will help us to uproot the bitterness in our hearts.
2. Prayer
A second way to uproot bitterness from your heart is through prayer. Prayer is often overlooked, yet it is one of our greatest gifts from God. Through prayer, we are given the blessing of one-on-one communication with God. This means that we can tell God anything, and He hears it. If we go to Him in prayer and tell Him we are struggling with removing bitterness from our hearts, He can help us. Not only will He help us remove the bitterness from our hearts, but He will also help us heal from it.
You might have bitterness in your heart for a variety of reasons. Maybe someone broke your heart, or someone betrayed you. Your feelings are valid, and it is understandable that you feel the way you do. Go to God in prayer and tell Him everything that you are feeling. Tell Him about the hurt, the pain, and the heartache. He knows the pain you are experiencing, and He desires to help you uproot the bitterness. The Lord can help you start new again and give you a fresh perspective on life.
Never overlook prayer, as it can help you in all things. Even though you might not hear back from God immediately, He is listening to you. He understands every pain you have, and He desires to fill your heart with the peace that only He can provide. Prayer should not be your last resort when trying to uproot bitterness from your heart, but rather it should be one of the first steps to take.
3. Reflecting on God’s Love
A third way to uproot bitterness from your heart is to reflect on God’s love. By reflecting on God’s love, we can release much of the anger that has been rooted deep in our hearts. The person who caused your bitterness might never know how much pain they caused you, but God does. Reflect on His love and strive to extend the same love to others, even to the person who hurt you. They probably are not worthy of your love, but God commands us to love all people anyway. In this way, you are extending God’s love.
The pain you are experiencing now that has manifested into bitterness will not last forever unless you allow it. You need to go to God and have Him help you uproot this bitterness. Reflect on God’s love in your own life and the Bible. Allow this to help you uproot the bitterness in your heart and to start moving forward in healing. Nobody expects you to feel completely better overnight, yet you do need to maintain an active headspace of reflecting on God’s love and uprooting the bitterness from your heart.
God’s love far outweighs any love we could ever experience elsewhere. Our loved ones can hurt us, but God never will. He is with us through the pain, tears, and heartache. He understands the bitterness you are experiencing, yet He wants to take it away. The Lord doesn’t want to see you carry around the heavy weight of bitterness your entire life because it will only cause you to grow more angry, skeptical, and isolated. Love, forgiveness, and growth should be shown in our lives, not bitterness, hatred, and unforgiveness.
4. Choosing to Move On
A fourth way to uproot bitterness from your heart is to choose to move on. As someone who struggles with years of holding bitterness in their heart, I don’t recommend it. It only wears you down and causes you to become cold. Choose to move on with your life and avoid allowing the bitterness to stay in your heart. Uproot it with the help of God and move forward. Life is too precious and too short to spend it with a heart of bitterness. Instead, choose to move on and love the life God has given you.
It can be hard to move on, yet it is vitally important. There again, it doesn’t mean anything they said or did was okay, but rather, you are making the choice to move on in life. Don’t allow someone’s hurtful remark, statement, or decision to cause you to go into a downward spiral of bitterness for years. Don’t let a memory of the past dictate your future. Give all of the pain over to God and trust Him. Genuinely forgive the person or people who hurt you and make the decision to choose to move on.
By moving on, you are opening up your life to a new set of adventures and opportunities to serve Christ. There is true freedom in forgiveness and moving on, which staying in bitterness will not give you. Choosing to uproot the bitterness in your heart will give you an opportunity to grow in your walk with Christ as well as to grow in your life.
Choose to take that first step today and remove all bitterness from your heart. Uproot it with the help of God and strive not to allow any bitterness to plant deep in your heart again. You will continue to go through difficult times throughout your life, but it is up to you if they are going to cause you to be hindered in your walk with Christ, or you can use them as an opportunity to grow in Christ. God wants us to use the hard times as an opportunity to grow in our relationship with Him. We cannot grow in Him if we continue to allow bitterness to root itself in our hearts.
Vivian Bricker loves Jesus, studying the Word of God, and helping others in their walk with Christ. She has earned a Bachelor of Arts and Master’s degree in Christian Ministry with a deep academic emphasis in theology. Her favorite things to do are spending time with her family and friends, reading, and spending time outside. When she is not writing, she is embarking on other adventures.
Initially, I had planned to attend the meeting. After all, it had been dubbed “very important,” and I was urged to be present. But as the appointed day approached, I felt a distinct check in my spirit. I sensed the Lord communicating that though this meeting was important, it wasn’t important for me to be there. I felt Him reminding me to stay in my own lane and devote my time to other projects He has given me.
This meant I was going to have to say no…
As a recovering people pleaser, I couldn’t help feeling nervous. I hate letting people down, and I sometimes worry about what other people will think of me if I decline a request. When the time came to let the leader of the meeting know that I would not be there, old fears came swarming back: What if they think I don’t care about them? Or that I’m selfish? Or unspiritual?
But amid these worries, I stopped and reminded myself of an important truth: The ability to be selective regarding which requests I accept is essential to fulfilling my purpose. If I say yes to everything, I spread myself too thin, and nothing of importance gets done. However, if I can strategically say no to some things, I create space to say yes to the things that matter most—the things I know without a doubt that God wants me to focus on.
Loving Enough to Say No
While we tend to equate saying yes with being “loving” and saying no with being “unloving,” in actuality, declining a request is not necessarily unloving. In fact, when it paves the way for obedience and enables us to accomplish our individual callings, it can be the most loving and godly thing we can do.
Just look at Jesus. He was the most loving person to walk the planet, but He was not a people pleaser. He had a very clear understanding of His purpose, and He also understood that if He was going to accomplish His mission of redeeming humankind—the ultimate expression of love—He couldn’t be controlled by other people’s expectations. He was fully committed to following the leadership of His Father, and if anyone asked Him to do something that contradicted what His Father wanted Him to do, He simply opted not to.
Jesus’ Example
Though choosing not to comply with the wishes of others can be stressful, reflecting on Jesus’ example never fails to give me the courage I need to be intentional with my yeses and nos.
How about you? Do you, too, find it hard to say no? Does the prospect of turning down an invitation make your stomach flip-flop like a fish caught on a line? If so, I encourage you to consider some of the biblical passages that highlight Jesus’ willingness to decline requests, even when it meant displeasing others.
There are many such passages in the Gospels, but here are three to get you started. I hope they encourage and inspire you too!
“As Jesus was speaking to the crowd, his mother and brothers stood outside, asking to speak to him. Someone told Jesus, ‘Your mother and your brothers are standing outside, and they want to speak to you.’ Jesus asked, ‘Who is my mother? Who are my brothers?’ Then he pointed to his disciples and said, ‘Look, these are my mother and brothers. Anyone who does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother’” (NLT)!
Here, we see Jesus’ mother and brothers make a request: Come outside and talk to us. But Jesus didn’t instantly jump up and run to His family. Instead, He continued doing what He knew He was supposed to be doing at that moment: teaching.
Now, it’s possible that He went to them shortly after making His “Who is my mother?” statement. But I suspect He didn’t because Mark reveals that not long before this incident, His family thought He was “out of his mind” (3:21, NLT) and had tried to take Him home. It’s possible that they were again trying to take Him away, and Jesus, knowing their intent, refused to cooperate. Whatever the case, it’s clear that He didn’t comply with their request immediately. His focus was unwavering, regardless of the interruptions that came His way.
This doesn’t mean that Jesus didn’t care about His family. On the contrary, I’m sure He loved his family very much, and I imagine He spent time with them on many occasions. But at the time of this specific ask, His followers needed His attention, and even though His family may have seen His delay as an inconvenience, Jesus didn’t let their request pull Him away from His present priority.
Parents and siblings call for us too (or, more likely in our modern day, text us), and I know how hard it can be to not respond instantly. But sometimes, we do best to do what Jesus did: tend to what’s before us at the moment and follow up with our loved ones at a later time.
“A man named Lazarus was sick. He lived in Bethany with his sisters, Mary and Martha…The two sisters sent a message to Jesus telling him, ‘Lord, your dear friend is very sick.’ But when Jesus heard about it he said, ‘Lazarus’s sickness will not end in death. No, it happened for the glory of God so that the Son of God will receive glory from this.’ So although Jesus loved Martha, Mary, and Lazarus, he stayed where he was for the next two days. Finally, he said to his disciples, ‘Let’s go back to Judea’”(NLT).
Here, Jesus received a message from His friends, Mary and Martha. While they didn’t outright ask Jesus to come, the request is implied in the statement they made: “Your dear friend is very sick.” They knew Jesus was the Healer, and they knew that if He came, Lazarus would recover. They probably thought Jesus would show up at their home shortly after receiving their message, and I imagine that doubts about His love started to creep in when He didn’t. We’re some of Jesus’ best friends—doesn’t that mean anything? Can’t He make an effort for us? Doesn’t He love us?
Jesus likely knew what Mary and Martha expected of Him, and He probably knew the questions His actions would inspire. Yet He didn’t let fear of what people might think of Him determine what He did. Jesus knew that God had something better in store, and He would rather risk being misunderstood than deviate from the directives of His Father.
How often do we comply with requests for fear of hurting someone’s feelings or for fear they will consider us “unloving”? Of course, I’m not suggesting we should ever intentionally hurt someone’s feelings, but, like Jesus, sometimes doing what will most honor God means that we must be willing to “say no,” even when it makes others uncomfortable or exposes us to criticism.
“One day the Pharisees and Sadducees came to test Jesus, demanding that he show them a miraculous sign from heaven to prove his authority. He replied, ‘You know the saying, “Red sky at night means fair weather tomorrow; red sky in the morning means foul weather all day.” You know how to interpret the weather signs in the sky, but you don’t know how to interpret the signs of the times! Only an evil, adulterous generation would demand a miraculous sign, but the only sign I will give them is the sign of the prophet Jonah.’ Then Jesus left them and went away” (NLT).
In this episode, Jesus was confronted by religious leaders who doubted Him and “demanded” He show them a sign to prove Who He was. But Jesus didn’t feel the need to prove Himself, and He didn’t cave to social pressure. He easily said no to people-pleasing because He was confident in His identity and was committed to doing only what He saw His Father doing (John 5:19-20). And clearly, in this case, His Father was not directing Him to perform a sign. So after calling them evil and rejecting their demand, Jesus simply removed Himself from the situation—He “left them and went away” (v. 4). The Living Bible puts it this way: “Then Jesus walked out on them.”
That sounds…a little rude, doesn’t it? But remember, Jesus was love incarnate. And He knew that the most loving thing to do in that situation was to rebuff their request for proof and then move on to something else—something that would be a more fruitful use of His time.
It can be painful to admit, but sometimes our reasons for saying yes have more to do with our desire to be seen in a positive light than with a genuine desire to do good. But how much better for us to follow Jesus’ example by ignoring the goading of doubters and shifting our attention to more productive endeavors? Because when we know who God says we are, we don’t need anyone else’s approval. We have more important things to do than pander to the critics!
Pleasing God
Remember that meeting I mentioned earlier? When I was composing the text to inform the leader that I wasn’t going to attend, I felt bad. But as soon I hit send, I felt a confirmation that I’d done the right thing. I felt relief. Yes, it was possible they felt let down when they read my message. It’s possible they thought I was being irresponsible or unspiritual. But the bottom line was I was doing my best to do what Jesus did: only what He saw His Father doing—nothing more, nothing less. And as nice as it is when people are happy with me, no amount of people-pleasing will ever be worth the cost of disappointing God. He’s the Person I want to please most.
Though saying no often comes at a price, in reality, it is a gift. Without the ability to communicate that we will not do something, our lives would be like a rudderless ship tossed to and fro by the whims of the people around us. But when done wisely, saying no enables us to steer the ship of our lives toward the goals and specific good work God has called each of us to do.
I pray that as you meditate on Jesus’ example, you find the strength to follow the Holy Spirit’s leading. Whether people applaud or disparage your choices, you can be sure you are pleasing your Heavenly Father!
Carina Alansonis a former professional counselor turned writer and artist who is passionate about helping women live with purpose and grow in their relationship with God. She lives in the subarctic town of Fairbanks, Alaska, where she enjoys going on scenic drives with her husband, skiing, snowshoeing, and reading by the fire. Visit carinaalanson.com to connect with Carina and get her free journaling workbook, How Do I Know if a Desire is From God? 5 Questions to Help You Decide, plus other resources for purposeful living. You can also connect with her on Instagram @carinaalanson and on Facebook @carinaalanson.
The concept of having a spirit of orphanage can be hard for a believer to comprehend. For most people, it’s a simple idea to grasp the concept that we are adopted by our heavenly Father. But for many of us who grew up in abusive homes, it is difficult to believe that we are even loved, let alone wanted by God.
I spent much of my adulthood not realizing that I was battling an orphan spirit. But one week during a Bible study, I suddenly saw myself as little Oliver Twist in Dickens’ classic tale, slowly starving and desperate for more in my spiritual life. I began to finally grasp how that image was holding back the blessing of me having a deeply personal father-child relationship with God.
I had no archetype for nurture. No sense of parental pride. I never felt as if my parents were “delighted” in me or had big dreams and plans for me. And I felt utterly alone, even though I lived with three other siblings. The loneliness of an orphan is particularly cruel, because when a child is lonely, he or she at least has the safety and welcome of their home and family. For me, home was where I felt the most alone. It felt like an orphanage, where I was provided with the most basic of essential needs and nothing more. And I turned that outward orphanage and rejection inward, taking on all the characteristics of an orphan in my spiritual life.
From as early as five years old, I was told by my parents that asking for anything above the very basics I needed to survive was selfish. I had brothers and a sister that my mother and stepfather loved more than me. I was only due the scraps of love, the scraps of a childhood, and I took this orphan’s attitude into my spiritual life as a result. I felt that I didn’t belong in God’s presence. I was supposed to be “seen and not heard.”
Over the course of my lifetime, the spirit of orphanage had convinced me to believe lies about who and what I was in the Kingdom of God. Lies that stole my birthright, like Esau, and made me bitter and always on the attack, like Barabbas.
As I poured my heart into writing my personal memoir last year, I learned the eternally valuable truth about who and what I really am…we really are, to our Father in Heaven.
The spiritual orphan has physical parents but is treated like an orphan. This kind of upbringing causes a person to believe many lies about themselves, and the lies affect every step of their journey with God.
Here are three of the biggest lies:
1. “I mean less to God than other believers.”
For me, this lie showed itself mostly when I tried to pray. I felt like I must surely be bothering Him. I could spend hours pouring my heart out to God for the needs of a friend or an unfamiliar name on a prayer list because I believed that God loved those people and wanted to answer my prayers for them. But me? I was convinced that God wasn’t concerned about my desires or requests, no matter how urgent.
2. “I need to apologize for any good thing that comes my way.”
I was convinced that nothing good is supposed to happen to me or for me. I learned to expect difficulty and struggle as a matter of course. I wasn’t supposed to dream, or set goals, or achieve any measure of success in life, because I was something less, something unlovable. Success and achievement were for children who were planned and wanted.
3. “God is always just a little angry with me, and He tolerates me at best.”
My father was a college athlete with dreams of a career in education. He wanted kids one day —but not yet —and certainly not with my mother. They never married, and I was a very inconvenient reminder to them both. For him, I was a momentary loss of discretion and the death of his dreams. (My father quit college and wound up doing two tours in Vietnam) For my mother, I was the son of a man she loved but who did not return her affection. She thought that having his child would win his heart. It did not, and she found herself saddled with a child she did not really want. This made her resentful and angry toward me. While I lived with her and knew nothing of my biological father until I was 21, I could sense that resentment and anger. Because I was a child and didn’t understand the situation, I came to believe it was my fault. I believed my parents could do no wrong, so I must be a bad child. For most of my life, I felt God offered me salvation only because I had messed up so badly, as we all have. He resented the sacrifice of His son on the cross for someone like me. He offered me salvation, but that was all I was getting. I was tolerated but not beloved.
In writing my memoir, “An Orphan in the House of God,” I came to understand the truth of how my Heavenly Father truly sees me, what He thinks of me, and what kind of Father He really is. Here are three of the truths I discovered:
“You and I were on His mind from the creation of the world.”
When God hung the stars in the sky during the Creation, He put one there with my name on it (Psalm 147:4). It served as a reminder of the promise He made to Abraham that he would have a child for every star he could count in the night sky. Learning that I was one of those stars was life-changing for me.
“You and I are His personal creation.”
Psalm 139:13-14 tells us we are “Fearfully and wonderfully made.” The Hebrew word for “made” here is the same as the word in Genesis when God created Adam. It speaks of an artist creating art by hand. That’s what we are. The first breath you ever took was the one He breathed into your lungs. When your tiny heart began beating in your mother’s womb, it was at His command. He has “Written you on the palms of His hands” (Isaiah 49:16). He rejoiced over you with singing and dancing the day you were born (Zephaniah 3:17).
“He wants to give you and me the very best.”
Jesus compared earthly fathers to our Heavenly Father (Luke 11:11-13). He tells us that if we, who are sinful humans, still give the best to our children, why do we think our heavenly Father would not do even more than that? He lets us know that our Father is so much more than even the best earthly father could ever be, and that He lavishes us with every good and perfect gift (James 1:17).
If you have lived your life as a spiritual orphan, I want you to know that you were wanted and planned before the world was even created. God has never lost sight of you, has never had anything but the best plans for you, and loves you as His own child. You are not an orphan. You are His beloved.
Craig Daliessio is the author of the #1 Amazon best-seller, “An Orphan in the House of God,” along with six previous books, including “A Ragamuffin’s Christmas,” “Nowhere to Lay My Head,” and “Sometimes Daddies Cry: What a Dad Really Feels about Divorce.” He has a B.S. degree from Liberty University in Religion and is an award-winning mortgage banker. For more information, visit https://craigdaliessio.com/.
Although we may feel guilty, weak, and stuck, God tells us that we really are free and able to engage in a battle in which he’s already inflicted the decisive blow against the enemies of our souls.
I know. The idea of keeping romance alive in marriage seems like a lot of hard work to many of us. We are trying to make it through the day – and trying to be romantic seems like one job too many. We are just plain tired! Romance is not about the big things. It’s about the small things we do to express our love for each other. Dan and I have been married for almost 46 years. It is tempting to think Dan knows how I feel about him after all these years. But God has convicted me that keeping romance alive in a marriage is a huge investment in my husband and our relationship. And that investment honors God.
Let me share how I am learning to keep the romance alive in our marriage. I have to confess that I don’t always succeed in doing all of these things well. But I am more romantic now than I was when we got married. And that is a big statement! So you can make that same investment and reap the same rewards of a happy and healthy marriage.
1. Make Christ your highest priority.
Every relationship in our lives mirrors our relationship with Christ. If we want our relationships to be healthy, we must have a healthy relationship with God. The earth is not the friend of marriage – but God is. God wants to use marriage, family, and home to display His very nature. If we want a healthy marriage, we must put Christ first in our lives.
2. After Christ, give each other top priority.
After Christ comes our marriage. When I have neglected my relationship with Dan, I have not only hurt my relationship with Dan, but I have also sinned against God.
I thought Dan would understand that I had a busy speaking schedule and an exciting ministry to women. Oh, he understood. He understood that his wife made time for total strangers, but she did not have time to talk with him. There is nothing less romantic than being made to feel you are unimportant. Talk about a romance killer! Marriage takes hard work. So does romance. Marriage must be constantly and consistently nurtured to keep the romance alive.
3. Go back to the beginning.
Do you remember the qualities you so admired in your mate when you first met? The things that made them so attractive. Sift through the memories you and your mate have made together. Those attributes that first made you notice and admire your mate will rise to the surface. Make a list of those qualities and begin to voice them aloud to your spouse, children, and friends. Doing so will rekindle the romance you once experienced in your marriage.
4. Discover your mate’s love language and learn to speak it well.
Learning your mate’s love language and how to speak it will fan the flame of romance in your marriage. Gary Chapman’s book, Five Love Languages, has had a significant impact on every relationship in my life, but especially in my marriage. We tend to think that everyone has the same love language. Not true. I have two love languages – time and gifts. My husband’s love language is touch. It can be something as simple as holding hands or scratching his back, but Dan feels loved as long as I touch him.
I recently had Covid and was pretty sick. So Dan shifted into high gear. He knows how much I love soup, so he made three different kinds. He made sure I always had something to drink. The words “Do you need anything, honey?” became his mantra. Dan willingly became my servant.
Sidebar: My whole family knows how much I love chocolate-covered cherries. A box of those scrumptious treats is always in my Christmas stocking. One afternoon during my battle with Covid, I was struggling with depression. Dan said he had to run a couple of errands. I heard the rustle of shopping bags when he returned home. My sweet husband walked into the bedroom with the biggest smile on his face and a box of chocolate-covered cherries in his hands. My husband didn’t have to say a word, but he was speaking my love language through time and gifts.
I remember the day I realized that our family schedule was completely out of control. I was racing through each day like a madwoman between school, church, football, soccer, cheerleading, and birthday parties. Dan was the lead teaching pastor of a large church exploding in growth. The phone was constantly ringing. An important meeting, hospital visit, or counseling session of some kind seemed to claim every night of the week.
Something had to give! Our marriage was on the back burner, and I could feel our relationship beginning to splinter. A trip to the furniture store became a turning point in our marriage.
I bought a love seat for our bedroom. We didn’t have room for that little sofa, but I made room for it. And every night, Dan and I would sit on that love seat for at least an hour and talk through our days. Problems, fears, hopes, and dreams all came to light as we sat and talked. It was amazing! Laughter replaced tears. Problems were solved. Fear gave way to peace. When one dream died, we dreamed another one as we sat face to face.
Time together each day did not come easily. So many voices clamored for our attention, but as we talked and shared our hearts, we learned to hear God’s voice above all the rest. To keep the romance in your marriage, commit to spending time with each other every day.
6. Have fun together. Don’t forget how to laugh.
I don’t know about you, but it seems like a helicopter is always landing in our lives. It is easy to get so serious and overwhelmed by daily battles that we forget to have fun together. Remember fun? Laughter?
Date nights have seemingly become a requirement for having fun with your mate. Of course, it is nice to have a night away from home, but it is also fun to curl up together with popcorn and ice cream, watching a movie in your living room.
We often have the wrong idea when it comes to romance. Romance does not have to be complicated. The conversation does not have to be scripted. Just share whatever pops into your mind and heart. I love the truth that if you laugh more days, you will have more days to laugh with your mate.
7. Keep a long-term perspective.
The tyranny of little things can be toxic in a marriage. Extra charges on a credit card, a cluttered house, sharp and angry words – will any of those things matter when your mate is gone? Think about the day you will stand beside your mate as they die. Will the things that irritate you today be important in the grand scheme of things? If we let them, the minor irritations can snowball into significant roadblocks.
Learning to discern what is important in a marriage is crucial to the success of that marriage. Romance has died on the altar of what seems to be significant and urgent in many marriages. Don’t get so caught up in the here and now that you lose sight of the big picture – a lifetime of commitment and love.
We can cultivate the habit of dismissing the small things and concentrating on the big things like love, patience, kindness, goodness, and self-control. Romance will thrive when we choose to look beyond the faults of our mates and see their needs.
Oh boy! I know I hit a nerve on this one. But I also know that I am guilty of just letting my appearance go because, after all, Dan is the only one who will see me. Right? Since Covid first began, I have battled a lazy attitude regarding my appearance. Baggy pants, a t-shirt, and a sweatshirt are sometimes my wardrobe for the day. I may or may not brush my teeth and fix my hair. Makeup? That is only for days when I go out. I’m just keeping it real.
I remember when Dan and I were dating. I had very little money, but I could always find a way to dress in a way that he found attractive. Dan was important to me. He didn’t love me because of how I dressed, but I loved him and wanted him to be proud of how I looked.
Women often hide behind 1 Peter 3:3-4 when it comes to their outer appearance. But read these verses carefully. Peter is cautioning us not to allow our outward appearance to be our only source of beauty.
1 Peter 3:3-4 “Do not let your adornment be merely outward—arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel— rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God.”
Yes, God is much more interested in who we are inside than he is with our outward appearance. A gentle, quiet spirit is so much more important than our clothes, how we style our hair, the makeup we wear – our outward adornment. I know that. But having an inner source of beauty does not mean we have to neglect our outward appearance to be godly. After all, I am a child of the King. I want to dress like a child of the King. Does that mean I have to wear designer clothes? No! I have a shopping rule – never buy anything at full price. I have learned that when I shower, do my hair, put on a little makeup, wear a nice outfit, and tell Dan I did all of that just for him, I can see the spark of romance in his eyes.
9. Keep your love life interesting.
It is easy for your love life to become, well, a little boring and routine. I know this is a complex subject for many married couples. But a thriving love life refers to a healthy sex life and a life of intimacy. Intimacy is a crucial part of marriage and may very well be the most vital part of your love life. Sex and intimacy are not the same things.
We have a friend who has diabetes. He is on several powerful medications that make having sex an impossibility. However, he would tell you that he has an amazingly intimate love life with his wife. He can share absolutely anything with her. They talk about everything in their lives – their problems, dreams, hopes, desires, and concerns.
When it comes to the sexual part of marriage, let me say that it is never too late to mix things up. Be creative! Have fun! Dan had a meeting running late one night, so I put the kids to bed and shifted into high gear. I had a plan that began with rose petals strung from the front door that led to our bedroom, where Dan found several burning candles, chocolate-covered strawberries, and me.
On Valentine’s Day, I covered our bathroom and bedroom with red and pink hearts strategically placed. For example, on the sink drain, the heart said, “I’d go down the drain without you.” On the light switch, the heart read, “You turn me on.” Dan would not let me take them down. Those hearts stayed put for a couple of weeks.
You really can rekindle the romance in your marriage. God is for you and the success of your marriage. So, take a deep breath, and go for it!
Mary Southerlandis also the Co-founder of Girlfriends in God, a conference and devotion ministry for women. Mary’s books include, Hope in the Midst of Depression, Sandpaper People, Escaping the Stress Trap, Experiencing God’s Power in Your Ministry, 10-Day Trust Adventure, You Make Me So Angry, How to Study the Bible, Fit for Life, Joy for the Journey, and Life Is So Daily. Mary relishes her ministry as a wife, a mother to their two children, Jered and Danna, and Mimi to her six grandchildren – Jaydan, Lelia, Justus, Hudson, Mo, and Nori.
I have two sets of parents. Both couples were wed during the Jurassic period (not really). Both were married almost 60 years. I watched each twosome grow old together.
One pair barely tolerated each other at the bitter end. My folks were sweethearts until death parted them. Mom and Dad had a caregiver in their final years, and they confided that they wanted her to arrive later in the morning so they had time to snuggle and kiss!
My Mom had mid-stage Alzheimer’s, but Daddy didn’t care. He patiently reminded her where to find her shoes and never scolded her for asking the same questions over and over again.
Such long-lasting love!
Yet long-lasting marriages can also become challenging.
My in-laws struggled greatly in their latter years. Although they loved each other deeply, their days were filled with snapping, nagging, impatience, and frustration. Mom-in-law yelled. Pops pouted. At the end, they clung fast to each other and grieved that so many years were wasted in frustration.
“Precious and Papaw” were excellent parents, phenomenal grandparents, and wonderful Christians. They just rubbed each other the wrong way. Their golden years were a bit rusty.
Ancient Sarum wedding vows encourage:“For better or worse. For richer or poorer. In sickness and health. For as long as you both shall live.”
My husband and I have taught a bazillion marriage conferences around the world. We explained the “marital satisfaction” scale as fantastic during the honeymoon stage, good during the childhood years, terrible during the teenage years, better as the kids left home and best during retirement-the “golden years.”
We were wrong!
Retirement is not always easy. Marriage can be challenging after partners stop working and spend long hours puttering around the house together. Some couples are healthy, wealthy, and happy. Others are strapped for cash, suffering with debilitating illness, grieving the loss of family and friends, and fearful of the future.
So how do we finish the race with grace?
God promises strength to persevere, but we have to submit to His plan and learn acceptance with joy. Here are three “Scripture nuggets” to revive the romance and survive the challenges:
1. Accept one another just as Christ has accepted you. (Romans 15:7)
The whirlwind of family life may mask flaws that exist between couples. Toothpaste tubes, chewing loudly and leaving laundry on the floor become battlegrounds. Let’s face it. I have mentioned trivial irritations. However, there are more devastating differences.
We reject each other when one spouse is anxious and the other is carefree. We fight when one partner is disciplined and the other procrastinates. Jesus accepted everyone, even tax collectors and prostitutes.
Acceptance means loving someone, affirming them and appreciating them whether they change or not.
2. Bear one another’s burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ. (Galatians 6:2)
Burdens come in all shapes and sizes. They can be mental, physical, emotional, or spiritual. Some are little backpacks. Some are boulders. A farmer yokes his oxen together to get the job done. That’s why Solomon observed,
Two are better than one…if either of them falls down, one can help the other up…though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. – Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
“Two are better than one…” is Solomon’s way of describing the power of support and protection that marriage provides. The threefold cord is a picture of the amazing bond between God and two marriage partners.
Prayer is the most important way we can bear our partner’s burdens.
Christ is the ultimate “burden bearer.” He took our sins and suffering to the cross. Burden-bearing for an aging spouse may include dressing, driving, or helping with housework.
Don’t try to do life without help. God provides family, friends and church homes to come alongside the elderly. I have observed that those couples actively develop a support system will find it much easier to survive.
3. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another just as God in Christ has forgiven you. (Ephesians 4:32)
Be gracious, polite and courteous, not rough, rude or blunt. My husband always opens my doors, walks on the outside of the sidewalk, and pulls out my chair. He is as chivalrous as Sir Walter Raleigh.
Be thoughtful and helpful, not insensitive and selfish. Be understanding and compassionate, not callous or unconcerned.
Be patient and tolerant, not edgy or easily annoyed. Be big-hearted, not begrudging. Be forgiving, not vengeful.
Be gentle, not rough or harsh. It takes energy and effort to be kind.
Only Christ can accomplish such sweetness in us. Many husbands and wives don’t want to go the extra mile. It’s exhausting. But when your loved one is gone, you miss the inconveniences. The extra time is filled with loss and regret. Love while you can. Each moment is precious!
Dr. Julie Barrier, along with her pastor-husband, Dr. Roger Barrier, have taught conferences on marriage and ministry in 35 countries. The Barriers are founders and directors of Preach It, Teach It providing free resources in 10 languages to 5 million visitors in 229 countries. The Barriers pastored 35 years at Casas Church in Arizona, Julie has served as a worship minister, concert artist and adjunct professor at Golden Gate Baptist Theological Seminary. She has authored or composed of over 500 published works.
I’m sure you’ve heard it said that marriage grows richer through the years as your love for one another grows deeper.
But, maybe you’re not feeling the love. Or experiencing the depth.
Maybe you’re only seeing how your spouse has changed through the years.
After 32 years of marriage, I’ve learned that love is not something we always feel. It isn’t an emotion, it’s an action. And it’s something God expects us to continue to extend toward one another whether we feel like it or not.
(I’ve also learned that when we start complaining that our spouses have changed, they often believe we have changed just as much).
While writing my books, When Couples Walk Together, When a Woman Inspires Her Husband and 12 Ways to Experience More with Your Husband, I interviewed nearly 100 couples married anywhere from 10-50 years to find out how they continue to keep love alive. From those interviews, along with personal experience in my own marriage, I came up with a list of three ingredients to keep loving one another through the years even when our spouse has changed and the feelings don’t show up.
And the amazing thing about this list is, when we do our part to love regardless of our feelings, God shows up and many times, in His grace, brings those feelings back.
The Kind of Love God Wants in Our Marriages
God designed marriage to work perfectly. And I imagine, before sin came into the picture, Adam and Eve had no problem loving each other. After all, they were each sinless and perfect.
Yet, their sin created a whole new dynamic for every marriage (Genesis 3). As a result of sin’s presence in our lives, the only kind of “love” that comes naturally is that feeling of infatuation we had when we first met our spouse.
Back when you and I first married we saw in our spouses what we wanted to see. “Love is blind,” they say. And then through the years, our eyes are opened to reality and we see many things we may not have wanted to see at first.
We saw that our spouse was a sinner. We saw they were capable of letting us down and causing us pain. And they saw the same sin and capabilities in us.
But agape love–God’s kind of love–sees all and still loves. God knows everything about us, including our imperfections, and He still loves us.
He knows what lurks in our minds and hearts, and He knows not only our past sins but our future ones as well–and He still extends love. God loves us unconditionally and in spite of who we really are. And that’s how He calls us to love one another–including our spouses.
Jesus said in John 13:34, “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, you must love one another.” Jesus loved us by giving His life for us. He showed sacrificial, persevering and enduring love for us. And by doing so, He showed us how to love our spouses.
Based on how Jesus loves us, here are three ways to love your spouse through the years:
As humans, and therefore sinners, it’s easy to put ourselves first.
I am ashamed when I think of my Lord’s example of washing His disciples’ feet and dying for the sins of mankind. I’m sure my selfishness is displayed in my marriage more than I realize and that my husband sees it. And of course, that is not Calvary love.
Calvary love–or sacrificial love–dies to self. Calvary love puts another first. Calvary love says “Not my will, but yours,” “Not my happiness, but yours,” “Not my preferences, but yours” and “Not my fulfillment, but yours.”
How can our spouses not be encouraged, inspired, and motivated to love us back when we demonstrate to them that kind of sacrificial love? And as we do, our love for our spouse grows deeper.
Yes, God created marriage to be equally fulfilling for both partners. But we are sinners, and therefore at least one of us must bend and become unlike the other. At least one of us must choose to be more like Christ. To show sacrificial love to our spouse is to ask yourself “What is it costing me?”
During the early years of our marriage it is a joy to love our spouses. But as the years go by and the pressures of life set in, it becomes more of a challenge to show that love consistently. And if that love does not cost you something in some way, it is not sacrificial as Christ’s love is for us.
Such love will sometimes cost us an inconvenience, a delay, or a setback. Other times, sacrificial love will cost us our own desires. But such love is worth it. It shows our spouses–and God–that we do know something of Calvary love.
2. Practice Persevering Love
Scripture speaks frequently of God’s great lovingkindness, or steadfast love which endures forever (1 Chronicles 16, 2 Chronicles 7, Psalm 136). Some translations call it His unfailing love. Regardless of the terms, it is a love that perseveres.
The most thorough description of love that we can find in Scripture is in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. Quoted at many weddings, this passage describes persevering or enduring love–the kind of love that just won’t quit.
Here we see a beautiful description of God’s love and we are instructed to practice this love toward others, especially our spouse:
“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things” (ESV, emphasis added).
Did you catch that? The New International Version says love “always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” If that last line didn’t convict your heart, enough, look the opening words of the next verse, where we are told more about this love we are to practice: “Love never fails” (verse 8).
Fewer marriages would struggle today if just one partner in every marriage practiced that definition of love. Yet, can you imagine what marriages would be like if both partners practiced enduring love? There would be no strife, no stress, no bitterness, no built-up baggage. There would be no devastation, nor divorce.
There would be two people who daily give up their rights to themselves so they can serve one another. There would be a perfect picture, in our love toward each other, of God’s love toward us.
If your spouse does not seem like the same person you married, yet you are still together, that is persevering love. That is love that says “I made a promise; now I’m keeping it.”
God did the same with you and me. Take a look at His unending, persevering love for you:
He has promised He will never leave you (Hebrews 13:5)
He is gentle toward you when you’re broken (Psalm 147:3)
He promises nothing will ever come between the two of you (Romans 8:39)
He loved you in spite of yourself, and still does (Romans 5:8)
Because we are not like God, who never grows weary or wounded, we must know how to renew our love for our spouses. We can’t simply wait around for our feelings to be there.
I’m so glad God’s love for us isn’t based on His feelings! Rather, He has determined to love us, regardless. He calls us to love one another (and our spouses) that way, too.
Because the world will take it out of us. Pain will take it out of us. The everyday stuff of life will take it out of us. But thanks be to God, He can replenish it in us.
In Isaiah 40:28-31, we have this encouragement from God, who can fill you up with love for spouse:
“Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”
If your love for your spouse has waned, how do you renew it? How do you get back that delight in each other when something in your spouse or in this life has taken it out of you?
By waiting on the Lord for His strength, which will enable you to love your spouse, and by going back to what first drew the two of you together. Was it your spouse’s smile, sense of humor, integrity, charm and wit, or love for God?
Ask God to help you focus on what you once saw and trust Him to open your eyes to see it once again.
God created us to be in full relationship with Him. But time and again, we build walls between us and our Heavenly Father. We disobey the rules God gave us, conveniently forgetting that when we sin, we’re not only hurting someone else—we’re hurting God. A sin against another is a sin against God.
No sacrifice or good work on our part can possibly compensate for this transgression. But there is hope, for the Bible tells us God loves us from a well so deep its bounds are infinite. And when we sin, and we not only acknowledge that sin but genuinely repent and seek to do right, God forgives us. He washes us clean, and we get to start again. In return, God tells us, we are to do the same with others when they wrong us: forgive them in honor of the great gift our Father bestows upon us.
The concept of forgiveness is infused throughout the Bible, and particularly in the psalms, where David and the other psalmists cry out for forgiveness—and teach us important lessons in the process.
Here, then, are six psalms that teach us about forgiveness.
Key verse:Psalm 32:5, “Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, ‘I will confess my transgressions to the Lord.’ And you forgave the guilt of my sin.”
Sin is defined as disobeying God’s commands. When we lie to another human, or covet what they have, we’re breaking God’s command to not lie or covet or whatever other command we are breaking. Not only is that wronging another human, but more importantly, it is wronging God.
When we sin, the first step is understanding that our wrongdoing doesn’t only impact ourselves or the other person involved—it hurts God.
And by hurting God, it creates a boundary between us and our Creator. Understanding this helps us acknowledge the wrong of our sin and opens our eyes to the larger impact of disobedience.
That’s why the first step in forgiveness is admitting we have sinned. Acknowledging this freely is important because it forces us to own our misbehavior.
Psalm 32 addresses this. It begins by noting how blessed someone is who has been forgiven—and how miserable the psalmist was when he “kept silent” (v. 3) and didn’t acknowledge his sin. But then, as he notes in our key verse, “I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, ‘I will confess my transgressions to the Lord.’ And you forgave the guilt of my sin” (v. 5).
In essence, the psalmist confessed his wrongdoing to the Lord, and suddenly his burden was lifted. By owning his sin—genuinely acknowledging and repenting—he received forgiveness. God restored his joy and again became his refuge, his “hiding place” (v. 7).
That is what this psalm teaches us. When we confess our sin to the Lord and don’t try to pretend it didn’t happen or run from Him, and when we turn our lives back toward God’s path, then God gives us a tremendous gift in return: the freedom of forgiveness.
And when someone else wrongs us, we need to remember that gift we receive from God and strive to forgive them in return.
Key verses:Psalm 40:2-3, “He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in him.”
Just as we have been forgiven for our sins, we are told to forgive others. After Jesus taught the disciples the Lord’s Prayer, He emphasized the importance of forgiveness, noting, “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins” (Matthew 6:14-15). And later, before sharing the Parable of the Unmerciful Servant, Jesus was asked His disciple, Peter, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times” (Matthew 18:21-22).
When God forgives us, we get a fresh start—a new beginning. That is what the psalmist, David, seems to be addressing in Psalm 40, which is both a psalm of praise and lament. Here, David remembers a time before when he was in the depths of anguish and crushed by sin, waiting for God to deliver Him. But then God raised him from “the slimy pit,” set his feet on solid ground, and put a new song in his mouth (v. 2-3).
This new song is one of joy and relief—he got to leave his sin behind when he was forgiven by God and enter once more into a restored relationship with the Lord. We, too, get a new song when God forgives us, and likewise, we are also to forgive those who sin against us, granting them this new song, too.
Key verse:Psalm 103:12, “As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.”
At its core, this psalm is a love psalm, expressing deep love, gratitude, and appreciation for God, who is like a compassionate father ruling over the earth (v. 13), good and merciful, always taking care of us from His fathomless well of love. God is so great and loves us so much, the psalmist says, that His love is “as high as the heavens are above the earth” (v. 11). And because of that love, our Father God forgives our offenses completely, indeed removing them from us “as far as the east is from the west,” a vast and perhaps impossible distance to measure.
When God forgives us, it’s done—finished. His forgiveness is certain. Our transgressions have been removed far, far away. And, as Jesus tells us, we are to do the same for others in return (Mark 11:25).
Key verse:Psalm 25:11, “For the sake of your name, Lord, forgive my iniquity, though it is great.”
Sometimes, the wrongs we do seem too big or too bad for God to ever forgive. This psalm, thought to be written by David, first praises God for His great faithfulness, mercy, and love and expresses David’s intentions to walk in God’s path and obey His commands. Then, he implores the Lord to grant him forgiveness for his iniquity, or wickedness, “though it is great.”
David knows God doesn’t have to do this, but he also knows that apart from God, he is nothing. He has no chance against the evils or the world or the enemies that stand in his way. His hope is in God and God alone (v. 21). And he knows there is nothing too big or too bad for God, who is always good (v. 7) and who is his only source of refuge and rescue (v. 20).
It’s the same with us. Anything we do that is against God’s command is a sin—and it’s not just a sin against others or ourselves. It’s a sin against God. Our only option when forced to face our sin is to confess it to the Father, acknowledge that we sinned against Him, and strive to get back in obedience and right relationship with Him. Though our sins might be great, God is a good, loving Father. In that, this psalm teaches, we can take comfort.
Key verses:Psalm 51:6-7, “You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise.”
This psalm is thought to have written by King David after his affair with the beautiful Bathsheba, when he not only slept with the wife of his friend Uriah but impregnated her, then arranged to have Uriah killed in battle to cover up David’s wrongdoing. But soon, Nathan the prophet confronted David about his grave sin.
Immediately, David acknowledged his guilt and began the process of repentance. In Psalm 51, David takes ownership of his sinful choices and begs God for forgiveness and mercy. “Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin,” he implores God in verse 2, noting he is fully aware of his wrongdoing and cannot escape the bitter consequences.
In verse 4, he acknowledges that his sin is bigger than harming Bathsheba or Uriah. Indeed, any disobedience is a direct violation of God’s commands and is, therefore, a sin against God. He begs God for a pure heart, begs God not to cast him away, and then, in our key verse, acknowledges there is nothing he can do to make up for the wrong he has done. No sacrifice will compensate. He must genuinely repent and rely upon the mercy of God—and God alone—to achieve forgiveness.
This psalm teaches us that when we sin, we hurt God. But when we call upon Him for forgiveness and genuinely seek to turn our lives around in obedience to Him, God grants us mercy out of the depths of His great love for us. Likewise, when someone else wrongs us, we would do well to remember the sin was more than against us—it was against God. If they repent and have the security that God forgives them, we need to do the same. All sins are against God, and God forgives all when we come to Him, as David writes, with a “broken and contrite heart” (v. 7).
Key verses:Psalm 130:3-4, “If you, Lord, kept a record of sins, Lord, who could stand? But with you there is forgiveness, so that we can, with reverence, serve you.”
When we do wrong and seek forgiveness from God, we’re ultimately making our way back into alignment with Him. But then we must stand before God with respect and reverence, worshipping Him and praising Him. To do that, knowing our sin has left an ugly stain of shame upon us, can be difficult and upsetting. We want to stand before God blameless and pure, not stained with sin.
This psalm reminds us that when God forgives us, He offers love in return. We have a place with Him still. Instead of fleeing from Him, frightened and ashamed, we can stand before God humbly knowing His great mercy enables a new start.
These psalms can be a great source for understanding how to open our hearts to what we have done wrong and navigate our way back to the Lord. For thankfully, we serve a good Father who wants us back in His arms, in right relationship with Him, forever.
Jessica Brodie is an award-winning Christian novelist, journalist, editor, blogger, and writing coach and the recipient of the 2018 American Christian Fiction Writers Genesis Award for her novel, The Memory Garden. She is also the editor of the South Carolina United Methodist Advocate, the oldest newspaper in Methodism. Learn more about her fiction and read her faith blog at jessicabrodie.com. She has a weekly YouTube devotional, too. You can also connect with her on Facebook, Twitter, and more. She’s also produced a free eBook, A God-Centered Life: 10 Faith-Based Practices When You’re Feeling Anxious, Grumpy, or Stressed.
Throughout the past decades, there has been a significant emphasis on the Christian dating scene. As a result, many Christian singles have become tired of the entire dating conversation altogether. If you are a Christian single who is over the stereotypes, questions, and nosy culture of Christian dating, this article is for you.
Let’s check out four reasons Christian singles are tired of the dating scene:
1. Frustrated
One reason Christian singles are tired of the dating scene is that they are frustrated. They are frustrated because they cannot find “the one.” These individuals have been on numerous dates with numerous people, yet they still haven’t found their forever partner. For this reason alone, many Christian singles are exhausted by investing in the dating scene. Maybe all of their friends have found their person, and they feel alone or as though something is wrong with them.
Through feeling these feelings and thinking these thoughts, the individual can be frustrated. They want the same happiness and joy, yet it always seems unattainable for them. If you are a Christian single and you are tired of the dating scene because you’re frustrated, turn to the Lord in prayer. Ask Him to help you find the person who is a good fit for you, who also loves God more than anyone or anything else.
While everybody desires to find their spouse, we also have to accept the fact that not everyone will end up being married. Even though Christian culture places a huge emphasis on marriage and starting a family, some Christian singles may never get married. This can be heartbreaking to some, and it is completely valid to express your feelings. If you are feeling as though God doesn’t have the one for you, embrace it and know that you still have unlimited worth and love because of Christ.
2. Pressure
A second reason why Christian singles are tired of the dating scene is because of the pressure being forced upon them. As stated in the former point, many Christian singles are pressured by Christian culture to get married and start a family as soon as possible. As someone who went to a Bible college, I can vouch for the extreme pressure being forced upon young Christian singles from family and peers to get married young and start a family. While none of this pressure was ever done by professors at the school, fellow peers and their families were passionate about getting all Christian singles married.
Marriage is a beautiful, sacred covenant God created, but sadly, many people pressure it onto others. This is not helpful and can cause a great amount of pain. With the dating scene being so popular in the modern day, Christian singles have felt the pressure to resort to online dating or even blind dating just to rid themselves of this pressure. While I have known many individuals to meet their future spouse through the internet or through online dating, one still needs to exercise extreme caution when it comes to online dating. In fact, Christian singles need to free themselves of the pressure of dating in order to give themselves peace.
If you want to go on the dating scene, that’s fine; however, if you are tired of it, that is okay too. There’s nothing wrong with being tired of the dating scene because it has caused you a great amount of anguish and pain. No matter how old you are, you shouldn’t be pressured into dating if you don’t want to. Live life at your own pace and if the right person comes along, ask God for guidance in the relationship. Relationships and marriages should never be rushed. Instead, you need to cultivate your relationship by spending time with one another and seeing if this person is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.
3. Content with Being Single
A third reason why Christian singles are tired of the dating scene is that they are content with being single. Paul tells us, “An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world–how she can please her husband” (1 Corinthians 7:34). As Paul tells us in this passage, the unmarried woman is concerned with the Lord. She is fully devoted to the Lord in ways the married woman cannot be. It is the same for unmarried men. Those who are not married are able to give their full time, attention, and devotion to the Lord.
As we can see, there are Christian singles who are tired of the dating scene because they are content with being single. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to stay single. Singleness is a gift from the Lord, and it can spare a person from many troubles that come with marriage (1 Corinthians 7:28). Christian singles don’t need to be looked down upon because they are not inferior to those who choose to get married. Whether you are married or not, choose to live your life to the glory of God. Honor God through your singleness or your marriage.
4. Past Dates Have Been Awful
A fourth reason why Christian singles are tired of the dating scene is that their past dates have been awful. Most people are familiar with what it’s like to go on a terrible date. One terrible date alone can leave a bad impression on dating in general. Maybe you have been on multiple dates, and each time the person is rude, only talks about themselves, or makes you pay the bill. This alone can cause a person to become tired of the dating scene.
Dating needs to be done with the idea of marriage. If you aren’t considering the person for marriage, don’t date them. Christians are not just to date around as the secular culture teaches. Instead, Christians are to date with the mind frame of seeing if they want to marry this individual. However, if all of your past dates are awful, it can cause you to be hesitant to date anyone else. If you want to get a break from the dating scene, that is perfectly understandable. Take time to wait and grow in your singleness until the time is right.
It is also important to remember that not all dates will be terrible. Even if most of your dates have not been the best in the past, you might still find the right one in the future. Yet again, you can still choose to refrain from the dating scene for a while and wait for the right person to come in your direction. Pray to God and ask Him to send the right person into your life. The answer to your prayer might not be the answer you want, or it might not happen within the timeframe you desire, yet you can know God’s way, and His timing is best.
Whether you choose to remain in the dating scene or not is up to you. There are many other reasons why Christian singles have grown tired of the dating scene. However, these are but four reasons in addition to many more. Maybe you have your own additions to add to this list, and that is great. Acknowledge these reasons and seek out how to make them better. Often, it means disconnecting from the entire dating scene.
The world and Christian culture try to make us feel as though we need to be married by our twenties or we will be seen as an “old maid.” This could not be further from the truth because your twenties aren’t reserved exclusively for dating. Use this time of singleness to grow in your relationship with Christ and know Him better. Know that you already have worth and are loved by the Lord Himself. With or without a spouse, you are dearly loved, cherished, and cared for.
Vivian Bricker loves Jesus, studying the Word of God, and helping others in their walk with Christ. She has earned a Bachelor of Arts and Master’s degree in Christian Ministry with a deep academic emphasis in theology. Her favorite things to do are spending time with her family and friends, reading, and spending time outside. When she is not writing, she is embarking on other adventures.
Because of Jesus’s death on the cross, God forgives our transgressions and chooses to remember them no more. It is the same in our marriage. It is crucial to choose your battles. If you are getting into a battle over every minor annoyance, it may be time to analyze why you’re getting so easily agitated. If previous issues have not been dealt with and forgiven properly, they can become relevant in your current squabbles. Ask the Lord to reveal any previous fights or issues you have not forgiven. As Christians, we are called to forgive others seventy times seven. We need to do so in our marriages as well. Forgive past issues and then analyze if the current argument you are embroiled in is worth the fight. More than likely, it’s not.
Conflict in any marriage is difficult. But the conflict that has gone unresolved and hearts that have gone unchecked can result in emotional separation, or worse, divorce. Choose your battles and fight the battles that will make you better people in the end. Choose not to make divorce an option. Forgive when necessary, give each other the benefit of the doubt, and best of all give the situation over to the Lord. God wants nothing but the best for your marriage, as it’s a reflection of the relationship Christ has with his church. The best way to help our churches regain their voices in society is to be a better example in our marriages.
I hear it often in my work with couples. Two people on the brink of divorce, not because of abuse or infidelity, but because the relationship no longer makes them happy. As they describe, the excitement, curiosity, and fun they experienced at the beginning of their relationship are no longer there. Wedding vows may say, ‘till death us do part,’ but for many those words have lost their meaning.
The reality is that culture has changed and the beliefs we carry about marriage often mirror those changes. Truth today is seen as relative, feelings fuel our experience, and a consumer-driven mindset fosters more transactional attitudes toward relationships.
Instead of understanding God’s true purpose for marriage, we routinely view marriage based on what another person can do for us, what they can give us, and ultimately, how they make us feel about ourselves.
Bottom line: If happiness is your primary expectation of marriage, you will most likely find yourself disillusioned and disappointed.
Why Did God Design Marriage?
We must understand God’s design for us as individuals if we are to understand His design for marriage. While many Believers have a superficial notion of God as a ‘genie-in-the-bottle’ whose primary function is to make us happy, the Bible is clear that His design for His children is to make us holy (ie: sanctified, conformed to His image,) not happy. 1 Pet 1:15-16
A.W. Tozer describes, “No man should desire to be happy who is not at the same time holy. He should spend his efforts in seeking to know and do the will of God, leaving to Christ the matter of how happy he should be.”
Tim Keller, pastor, author, and theologian, defines marriage as, “…a lifelong, monogamous relationship between and man and a woman. According to the Bible, God devised marriage to reflect the saving love for us in Christ, to refine our character, to create stable human community for the birth and nurture of children, and to accomplish all this by bringing the complementary sexes into an enduring whole life union.”
Henri Nouwen states, “… marriage is foremost a vocation. Two people are called together to fulfill a mission that God has given them. Marriage is a spiritual reality. That is to say, a man and a woman come together for life, not just because they experience deep love for each other, but because they believe that God loves each of them with an infinite love and has called them to each other to be living witnesses of that love. To love is to embody God’s infinite love in a faithful communion with another human being.
Marriage is one of our greatest teachers because at its heart marriage surfaces the reality of who we are, what we expect, and how we engage others. No other relationship is as revealing and potentially transformative as the relationship with the one we have committed to permanently and intimately share our lives.
In a HuffPost article, author and speaker, Tyler Ward, concludes that marriage is about personal reformation. He describes, Although happiness is often a very real byproduct of a healthy relationship, marriage is designed to pull dysfunction to the surface of our lives, set it on fire and help us grow. The job of marriage is to refine our dysfunction and spur us into progressive wholeness.
Bottom line: The less you view your spouse as your savior and more as your companion on this journey of life, the more likely you are to pursue your own healing and growth. This will lead to cultivating more realistic expectations for your marriage, ultimately yielding greater stability, peace, and yes, happiness.
What Does the Bible Say about an Unhappy Marriage?
It is important to distinguish between an unhappy marriage and a toxic/destructive marriage. For those who have experienced any kind of unrepentant adultery, abandonment, or repeated physical/emotional/verbal/sexual abuse, this article is NOT for you. In most unhappy marriages the issues are miscommunication, finances, unmet expectations, etc. Abuse of any kind is not acceptable in God’s design for mutual submission as couples grow together in Him.
Regarding marriage, Malachi 2: 15-16 (NIV) says, Has not the one God made you? You belong to him in body and spirit. And what does the one God seek? Godly offspring.So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful to the wife of your youth. ‘The man who hates and divorces his wife,’ says the Lord, the God of Israel, ‘does violence to the one he should protect,’ says the Lord Almighty. So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful.
Biblically speaking, spouses don’t have the right to simply dissolve an unhappy marriage. God intended that marriage be for a lifetime.
Ephesians 5 describes marriage as a metaphor for our relationship with God. He is not capricious in His affections toward us, nor does His love depend on favorable circumstances. His relationship with us is solely based on His covenant with us. God wants us to remain faithful to our vows because He knows broken hearts, broken marriages, and broken homes can be redeemed for His ultimate glory.
Does this mean that God wants us to remain in an unhappy marriage? No. What He wants is for each of us to use our pain, our sorrow and disappointment, our loneliness and anger, as an invitation to pursue His healing. He wants us to understand what health looks like in our marriage—healthy expectations, communication, boundaries, and conflict resolution— so that we can experience transformation right where we are, rather than waiting to discover it in a new relationship.
Bottom line: An unhappy marriage should be an indicator that there are things God wants to address in our lives and in our marriages, so that we can pursue healing and wholeness in every area of our lives. God wants us to recognize issues within our marriage as they arise, be willing to address them, and work together towards personal and relational growth. If we do, we will continue growing together allowing us to develop greater connection, strength, and intimacy in our marriage.
1. Are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling increasingly present in your marriage?
2. Do you often feel you have little to say to each other?
3. Do you fantasize about a future without your partner?
4. Do you and your spouse live separate lives?
5. Is there a lack of sex or physical affection in your marriage?
6. Do you often feel disconnected from your mate?
7. Is it easier to focus on everything else but the relationship?
8. Do you talk to your friends more than your spouse?
If you answered yes to one or more of these, chances are high that you are living in an unhappy marriage.
Does God Want You to Stay in an Unhappy Marriage?
Let me be clear, God does not want anyone to stay in an environment where they are not safe —physically or emotionally. Period. Yet too many couples who feel dissatisfied or unhappy in their marriages often miss the blessing God has for them and their children by leaving too quickly or not getting the help they need to adequately resolve their issues.
6 Ways You Can Begin to Reclaim Your Marriage
1. Stop blaming your spouse for your unhappiness. No one is responsible for your happiness but you. If you find yourself experiencing a lack of joy, personal fulfillment, or satisfaction in your marriage, do a personal inventory to assess the greatest areas of dissatisfaction as well as the causes for the dissatisfaction.
2. Pray. Ask God to reveal the areas of your heart that need His healing. Ask Him to show you the things for which you own responsibility. Ask Him to make clear the ways in which He wants you to grow, the things He desires you to learn to become more like Him.
3. Find specific ways you can pursue the healing to which God is calling you. Reach out to a trusted Christian therapist in your area that can help you heal areas of brokenness, cultivate new patterns, new skills, new ways of being that can transform both you and your marriage.
4. Stop looking at your mate as the villain in your life. Begin to see them as your friend. View them as honest, yet broken. Offer compassion to them on their healing journey. Pray for them. Make a list of qualities or behaviors you admire in them.Focus on these. Remind yourself of these attributes throughout the day.
5. Find ways to affirm your spouse. Instead of verbalizing criticism or contempt for what they don’t do, let them know what they do get right. Speak to them your appreciation. Find ways you can bless them —freely, without expectation.
6. Pray over your spouse and your marriage daily. Pray for protection from the enemy. Pray for each of you on your respective journeys. Pray for safety, vulnerability, and skills to work through the issues that are sure to arise in your marriage. Pray for wisdom and humility to reach out for counseling to help you heal and grow together.
Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor. If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
Blessed are all who fear the Lord, who walk in obedience to him.You will eat the fruit of your labor; blessings and prosperity will be yours.Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house; your children will be like olive shoots around your table.Yes, this will be the blessing for the man who fears the Lord.
Prayer for a Happy Marriage
Dear Abba Father, I long to know your healing in every area of my heart and in my marriage. Father, let my unhappiness point me to You, Your healing, Your purpose for my life. Show me areas of brokenness from my past that need to be healed so that I can walk in wholeness and freedom. Show me the expectations that You want me to have for my spouse and my marriage. Help me to learn better ways of communicating and of resolving conflict with my spouse. Reveal to me the ways I have failed my marriage and teach me how to both ask for forgiveness and offer it freely so that I can learn to love my partner well. Rekindle respect, trust, admiration, and love for my spouse and draw us together into a deeper connection and intimacy with You. Help me always keep my expectation on You so that I can glorify you in my heart and in marriage. Amen.
Lisa Murray is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, a Jesus girl, and a recovering perfectionist. Her passion is to encourage and empower individuals—whether in their hearts, their marriages, or their faith—to cultivate healing and wholeness that will awaken a heart of peace. Her book, Peace For A Lifetime, is available on Amazon. She writes weekly at LisaMurrayOnline.com. You can follow her on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Pinterest.
A third way white lies can spin out of control is by the fact that you are constantly sinning against God when you are telling white lies. Every sin we commit goes against God. We may think a small sin is not aimed at God, yet all sin is aimed at God, and it hurts Him. As white lies begin to spin out of control, we know it can be due to the fact of the individual constantly sinning against God. Lying is not good, and it goes against everything we know in the Bible. We need to be truthful and honest in our dealing with others.
Rationalism has caused us to think our sin is “no big deal,” when in truth, it is the worst thing we can do. Instead of following God’s teaching by repenting and sinning no more, as believers, we continue to sin against God, and we hurt Him in the process. Our white lies can start spinning out of control in this way, and sadly, we can become calloused to the Holy Spirit’s conviction if we continue to sin despite His efforts to stop us. We need to acknowledge this if we are in a state of being untouched by the conviction of the Holy Spirit due to our persistent sin. If we have found we are insensitive to His gentle guidance, then we need to go to God in prayer, ask for forgiveness, and ask for the conviction of the Holy Spirit to return.
Make an effort today to clear up any white lies and to come clean about them. While it might be difficult and hurt others to know the truth, it is better to tell the truth than to let the lie keep going. White lies are not harmless, and the longer you let them remain and add onto them, the worse they will become. Choose to be truthful and honest. Follow God and ask Him to help you obey Him faithfully.
God is faithful and full of grace. If you ask Him for forgiveness, He will forgive you. However, don’t expect others to forgive you when you come clean about any white lies in your life because your lies may have severely hurt that person. Instead, choose to respect their decision and do your best to make it right. Sometimes the only thing you can do to make it right is to confess, apologize, and remain out of their lives. While this can be hurtful, we need to know that we do have to deal with the consequences of our sins.
These two are the epitome of what not to do in a marriage. King Ahab followed his father’s footsteps in doing “evil in the sight of the Lord.” (1 Kings 16:30)
Ahab marries Jezebel, the daughter of Ethbaal, king of the Sidonians.
Ahab and Jezebel worship Baal and build an altar for him. “Ahab did more to provoke the Lord, the God of Israel, to anger than all the kings of Israel who were before him.” (1 Kings 16:33)
Their worshiping of idols confused the people of Israel on who to worship, God or the idols.
Jezebel adds murder to her list of sins by persecuting followers of the Lord and murdering His prophets. Thankfully, Obadiah saved one hundred prophets.
Elijah confronts Ahab, challenging him to abandon the commandments of the Lord, and tells him to meet on Mount Carmel to see whose God is real. The Baal followers build a fire, cut up a bull, and wait for Baal to bring the flames. Of course, no fire comes.
Elijah mocks them, builds an altar with twelve stones, puts a bull on top, adds water, and calls upon the Lord. The Lord responds by sending fire and consuming the burnt offering, the wood, stones, dust, and water. Elijah has the prophets of Baal killed, which doesn’t bode well with Jezebel when she finds out. She threatens to kill Elijah.
Next, you have Naboth’s vineyard situation. Ahab covets (never a good habit) Naboth’s vineyard and tries to buy the land, but Naboth will not sell his father’s land. Ahab comes home sulking because he did not get his way. Jezebel doesn’t like seeing her husband pouting and forges letters on Ahab’s behalf, arranging for Naboth to be murdered.
Ahab and Jezebel break most of the ten commandments. They spend most of their life not worshiping the Lord. Ahab is spared when he humbles himself before the Lord, but disaster still comes upon his house.
In addition to their obvious larger sins, the learning for us today is to support our spouses and attempt to keep them from sinning. We want to encourage them in the Lord’s ways. Jezebel has sneaky, manipulative ways to her actions. We want to be honest and work together with our spouses, preventing each other from sinning.
