Selena Gomez has married music producer and songwriter Benny Blanco, announcing the news in an Instagram post showing the couple kissing and embracing on a lawn.”My wife in real life,” Blanco responded to the post Saturday by the Grammy- and Emmy-nominated performer. Gomez wore a white halter bridal dress with floral flourishes, and Blanco wore a tuxedo and bow tie, both custom-made by Ralph Lauren. Video above: Selena Gomez goes cold turkey for good reasonPaparazzi had snapped photos of a massive outdoor tent and other preparations in the Santa Barbara area.Friends in the entertainment industry and brands she’s linked to responded with heart emoji and congratulations. “Our Mabel is MARRIED,” said the account of her “Only Murders in the Building” series, and her Rare Beauty line of cosmetics posted: “so happy for you two.” Best wishes were also sent by Camila Cabello, Amy Schumer and others.Blanco, 37, and Gomez, 33, met about a decade ago and got engaged at the end of last year. They worked together on the 2019 song “I Can’t Get Enough,” which also featured J Balvin and Tainy. Among the songs he’s credited on as a writer and producer: Katy Perry’s “Teenage Dream,” “Circus” by Britney Spears and Maroon 5’s “Moves Like Jagger.”Gomez, whose hits include “Calm Down,” “Good for You,” ”Same Old Love” and “Come & Get It,” has been in the spotlight since she was a child. She appeared on “Barney and Friends” before breaking through as a teen star on the Disney Channel’s “Wizards of Waverly Place.” She earned awards nominations in recent years for her ongoing role alongside Martin Short and Steve Martin in Hulu’s “Only Murders in the Building.” Gomez has a massive audience on social media with 417 million Instagram followers, the most for any woman on the platform.
SANTA BARBARA, Calif. —
Selena Gomez has married music producer and songwriter Benny Blanco, announcing the news in an Instagram post showing the couple kissing and embracing on a lawn.
“My wife in real life,” Blanco responded to the post Saturday by the Grammy- and Emmy-nominated performer. Gomez wore a white halter bridal dress with floral flourishes, and Blanco wore a tuxedo and bow tie, both custom-made by Ralph Lauren.
Video above: Selena Gomez goes cold turkey for good reason
Paparazzi had snapped photos of a massive outdoor tent and other preparations in the Santa Barbara area.
Friends in the entertainment industry and brands she’s linked to responded with heart emoji and congratulations. “Our Mabel is MARRIED,” said the account of her “Only Murders in the Building” series, and her Rare Beauty line of cosmetics posted: “so happy for you two.” Best wishes were also sent by Camila Cabello, Amy Schumer and others.
Blanco, 37, and Gomez, 33, met about a decade ago and got engaged at the end of last year. They worked together on the 2019 song “I Can’t Get Enough,” which also featured J Balvin and Tainy.
Among the songs he’s credited on as a writer and producer: Katy Perry’s “Teenage Dream,” “Circus” by Britney Spears and Maroon 5’s “Moves Like Jagger.”
Gomez, whose hits include “Calm Down,” “Good for You,” ”Same Old Love” and “Come & Get It,” has been in the spotlight since she was a child. She appeared on “Barney and Friends” before breaking through as a teen star on the Disney Channel’s “Wizards of Waverly Place.”
She earned awards nominations in recent years for her ongoing role alongside Martin Short and Steve Martin in Hulu’s “Only Murders in the Building.” Gomez has a massive audience on social media with 417 million Instagram followers, the most for any woman on the platform.
Nearly nine months after the Eaton fire destroyed something unique, something beloved, something cherished even more in death, the mountains remain scarred and dusty streets criss-cross the vanished neighborhoods of what is still, essentially, a ghost town.
If it’s true that time heals all wounds, the clock is moving slowly in Altadena, where 9,400 structures were destroyed and 19 lives were lost.
There will be a resurrection, without question. Building permits are grinding slowly through the bureaucracy, hammers are swinging and a new Altadena will one day rise from the ashes.
I know one homeowner who hopes to be in his newly built house in a month or two. Victoria Knapp of the Altadena Town Council told me she knows people who sold their lots immediately after the fire and now regret it. And L.A. County Supervisor Kathryn Barger said the permitting process has been revamped and she doesn’t sense that many people are bailing on Altadena.
People who were fully committed to rebuilding in the immediate aftermath of destruction are now rethinking it, having grown weary of the slog.
“It could be years of living in a construction zone, and that’s had me awake in the middle of the night with some panic attacks,” said Kelly Etter, who lost the house where she lived with her husband and ran a Pilates studio.
“When I go up there every week,” said Elisa Nixon, whose home was badly smoke-damaged and needs an interior gutting, “I find it really sad and really depressing. I’m trying to imagine myself living there, and it’s really hard.”
Taylor Feltner, who lived with his wife in a smoke-damaged Pasadena home on the edge of Altadena, would like to stay in the area because his wife’s Altadena family is a big part of their lives. But they’re no longer sure what to do or how to decide.
“We have wavered so much throughout this whole process, because every time we have a fight with the insurance company it’s like reliving the trauma of that night over and over again,” Feltner said.
An aerial view of cleared properties and a home under construction this month in Altadena.
(Allen J. Schaben / Los Angeles Times)
He and his wife are in their eighth temporary home since the fire. His mother-in-law, whose Altadena home survived the fire, wears a mask when gardening in the backyard. Feltner said he and his wife planted fruit trees in their own yard, but wonder if it’ll be safe to eat the fruit when they go back home, given widespread contamination and haphazard testing.
I get it, and I honestly don’t know if I’d be able to endure what people from the Altadena and Palisades areas are going through. I get impatient if a problem isn’t resolved in a day. The fire survivors are in limbo, still, with no idea how many years of upheaval they’re in for.
Joy Chen, co-founder of the Eaton Fire Survivors Network, has been tracking community sentiment for months. She said an initial, “almost defiant” sense of pride, with T-shirts and property signs declaring “Altadena is not for sale,” still lingers. But “a dose of reality” has set in.
Here’s what people are sorting through, said Chen:
How long will it take to get back home? Can we afford to rebuild? Will our kids be safe, given lingering contamination? Is the Southern California Edison settlement proposal a fair deal or a ploy to avoid bigger payouts? Will the new Altadena remotely resemble the place we loved? And will we ever sleep well in an area that has not seen the last of wildfires and frightful winds?
Even for those who can see their way past all of that, said Chen, there’s a gap between their insurance settlement and the cost of rebuilding.
“It’s around $300,000 on average,” said Chen, “and that’s a huge hurdle.”
Barger said the settlement proposal from Edison could help close that gap for some people. But the investigation into the fire’s cause is not yet complete, and some lawyers have advised clients not to accept what they consider a lowball offer. And yet, for those who pass up on the offer, it could take years for lawsuits to play out in court.
Chen, a former deputy L.A. mayor, has been demanding that insurance companies deliver what their clients paid for, and imploring state insurance commissioner Ricardo Lara to get tough with them. According to the nonprofit Department of Angels, 70% of the roughly 2,000 insured Eaton and Palisades fire survivors who were surveyed said delays, denials and underpayments are “actively derailing recovery.”
“These delays and denials aren’t just devastating to families, they’re illegal under California law,” said Chen. “It’s Commissioner Lara’s job to stop them. His refusal to act is stalling the entire Los Angeles recovery. Families who spent decades building stability for their kids are watching those futures slip away.”
Lawsuits are pending against multiple insurance companies, including Feltner’s carrier: Mercury.
“They’re fighting us on everything,” said Feltner, who has filed complaints with what he called the “toothless” state insurance commission.
For one Altadena family, whose house survived with minimal damage, it wasn’t an insurance issue that exhausted their resolve. Initially committed to moving back in, they later sold their house and relocated to another area. They asked me to withhold their names for privacy reasons.
“It boiled down to risk,” said the husband, citing concerns about contamination, years of construction noise and dust, and the impossibility of knowing if the new Altadena will resemble the one that drew them there in the first place.
A sign adorns a homeowner’s Altadena property.
(Allen J. Schaben / Los Angeles Times)
“It was a head decision and not a heart decision,” said his wife, who still feels attached to her home, her street, and to Altadena. “I don’t think that will go away. Obviously, this trauma is a part of us now, but our heart and our memories will always be there.”
Tim Kawahara, executive director of the UCLA Ziman Center for Real Estate, grew up in Altadena and his mother still lives there in a house that survived the fire. The rebuilding of Altadena is in the early stages, he said. With thousands of separate projects to push through the permitting process, and a construction workforce shortage compounded by immigration raids, the new Altadena is not yet on the horizon.
“You’re talking about three years to start seeing some considerable building happening, and probably more like five years for something happening at some big level. But it could take up to 10 years,” Kawahara said. “And it’s not just homes. It’s schools, parks, libraries, police stations and infrastructure, too.”
You could argue that there’s something exciting about the chance to draw a new community on the blank canvas of the old one. But that’s a lot to endure if you’re breathing the dust, and as speculators move in and properties turn over, who’s going to be in charge, what will homeowner insurance cost, and will character and history survive?
“People are suffering and struggling to find their way, and they don’t trust anyone anymore,” said Nixon. “And with all of that comes this feeling of, this is too much. It’s hijacked my life, I can tell you that. It’s overwhelming, the amount of work it takes to stay on top of this and also just keep your life balance.”
“Having so many unknowns is just incredibly exhausting and limits capacity for enjoying other areas of life,” said Etter. “The connection to community, to neighbors and fellow survivors has really been a lifeline. There’s shared resources, hugs, and midnight texts in the middle of the night when you’re panicked about whatever.”
In coming weeks, I’ll be exploring different angles of the Eaton fire recovery story, so feel free to share your thoughts with me.
What can be done to speed the process?
What should Gov. Gavin Newsom and legislators do to speed fair resolution of insurance disputes?
Given climate change and the fire-prone natural geography, would you consider a move to Altadena?
What will Altadena look like in five years, in 10, in 20?
A chef from California’s Central Coast who had two strokes while traveling internationally on American Airlines was awarded more than $9 million after a federal jury concluded employees failed to follow their own protocols to help him.
In November 2021, Jesus Plasencia, a chef from Watsonville who was 67 at the time, was traveling with his wife, Ana Maria Marcela Tavantzis, on a flight to Madrid from Miami, according to a complaint they filed in federal civil court.
While the plane was still at the gate, Plasencia suffered a “mini stroke” and temporarily lost the ability to speak or pick up his phone, according to the complaint. His wife alerted a flight attendant and the pilot but instead of alerting medical personnel and following company policy, the lawsuit said the pilot dismissed her concerns, “joked with Plasencia, and cleared him for take-off.”
Plasencia then had a stroke while the plane was in the air; he was hospitalized after the plane landed in Spain and was in critical condition for more than three weeks before he went back to the U.S., according to court documents. He can’t speak or write and now “depends entirely on daily, significant, around-the-clock, in-home care and intensive rehabilitation,” according to the lawsuit.
On Thursday, a federal jury in San Jose said American Airlines was on the hook for $9.6 million for its employees failing to follow company protocol in the incident.
According to the complaint filed in 2023, the flight crew had asked other passengers to monitor Plasencia after he suffered a stroke during the flight, but didn’t tell the pilot about the medical emergency, so the flight wasn’t diverted.
The couple argued that because American Airlines crew hadn’t followed protocols, Plasencia was delayed getting care for nearly eight hours and could’ve potentially had a better outcome, according to the lawsuit.
“The safety and well-being of our passengers is our highest priority,” American Airlines said in a statement. “While we respect the jury’s decision, we disagree with the verdict and are currently evaluating next steps.”
Darren Nicholson of Burns Charest, who represented the couple in the lawsuit, argued that the airline didn’t follow stroke protocol, which calls for immediate medical assistance and diverting the aircraft.
“It is shocking that American Airlines responded so poorly to a medical emergency like this,” he said in a statement.
American Airlines was found liable by the jurors under the Montreal Convention, an international treaty that governs international air travel.
Authorities in Tennessee announced Friday that they believe a sheriff who inspired the movie “Walking Tall” is responsible for his wife’s death in 1967.During a news conference Friday, officials with the Tennessee Bureau of Investigation said there were “inconsistencies” in statements from Sheriff Buford Pusser following the 1967 murder of his wife, Pauline. “It’s been said that the dead can’t cry out for justice. It is the duty of the living to do so. In this case, that duty has been carried out 58 years later,” said District Attorney General Mark Davidson for the 25th Judicial District.Blood splatter patterns on the vehicle also contradicted statements from Buford Pusser, officials said.Buford Pusser reported that his wife volunteered to ride along in the dark early-morning hours of Aug. 12, 1967, on a disturbance call. He claimed that a car pulled alongside his and fired several shots, killing Pauline and injuring him in what he claimed was an ambush intended for him and carried out by unknown assailants.Buford Pusser recovered from his injury. No viable suspects were developed, and no charges were filed.After receiving a tip that an autopsy was never performed on Pauline Pusser, the TBI exhumed her body in February 2024. Davidson said the investigation revealed that Pauline Pusser was more than likely shot outside the vehicle and then placed inside the vehicle. Cranial trauma suffered by Pauline Pusser, depicted in crime scene photographs, does not match interior crime scene photographs from the vehicle.TBI officials also said the autopsy determined that Pauline Pusser had a nasal fracture before her death. Investigators now believe the physical evidence points to a staged crime scene and that Buford Pusser’s gunshot wound was likely self-inflicted.“There is probable cause to believe that Pauline’s death was not an accident, not an act of chance, but, based on the totality of the TBI investigative file, an act of intimate, deliberate violence,” Davidson said.Law enforcement officials said the discoveries would be sufficient to seek a grand jury indictment of Buford Pusser if he were alive today.Buford Pusser died in 1974 after a one-vehicle crash. He served as the sheriff of McNairy County, Tennessee, from 1964 to 1970 and was known for his crackdown on crime along the Mississippi-Tennessee state line.
Authorities in Tennessee announced Friday that they believe a sheriff who inspired the movie “Walking Tall” is responsible for his wife’s death in 1967.
During a news conference Friday, officials with the Tennessee Bureau of Investigation said there were “inconsistencies” in statements from Sheriff Buford Pusser following the 1967 murder of his wife, Pauline.
“It’s been said that the dead can’t cry out for justice. It is the duty of the living to do so. In this case, that duty has been carried out 58 years later,” said District Attorney General Mark Davidson for the 25th Judicial District.
Blood splatter patterns on the vehicle also contradicted statements from Buford Pusser, officials said.
Buford Pusser reported that his wife volunteered to ride along in the dark early-morning hours of Aug. 12, 1967, on a disturbance call. He claimed that a car pulled alongside his and fired several shots, killing Pauline and injuring him in what he claimed was an ambush intended for him and carried out by unknown assailants.
Buford Pusser recovered from his injury. No viable suspects were developed, and no charges were filed.
After receiving a tip that an autopsy was never performed on Pauline Pusser, the TBI exhumed her body in February 2024.
Davidson said the investigation revealed that Pauline Pusser was more than likely shot outside the vehicle and then placed inside the vehicle. Cranial trauma suffered by Pauline Pusser, depicted in crime scene photographs, does not match interior crime scene photographs from the vehicle.
TBI officials also said the autopsy determined that Pauline Pusser had a nasal fracture before her death. Investigators now believe the physical evidence points to a staged crime scene and that Buford Pusser’s gunshot wound was likely self-inflicted.
“There is probable cause to believe that Pauline’s death was not an accident, not an act of chance, but, based on the totality of the TBI investigative file, an act of intimate, deliberate violence,” Davidson said.
Law enforcement officials said the discoveries would be sufficient to seek a grand jury indictment of Buford Pusser if he were alive today.
Buford Pusser died in 1974 after a one-vehicle crash. He served as the sheriff of McNairy County, Tennessee, from 1964 to 1970 and was known for his crackdown on crime along the Mississippi-Tennessee state line.
Authorities say they have arrested the mystery man who allegedly teamed up with an accomplice to fatally stab famed hairstylist Fabio Sementilli seven years ago at a Woodland Hills mansion.
Prosecutors allege Christopher Austin was the second man involved in the killing, along with the lover of Sementilli’s wife.
Austin was recently arrested in connection with the killing and extradited from Washington state. On Oct. 18, after being sent back to Los Angeles, Austin pleaded not guilty to a charge of murder with the special allegations of the use of a deadly weapon, and pleaded not guilty Wednesday to an additional charge of conspiracy to commit murder.
The 38-year-old Austin, prosecutors allege, conspired with Monica Sementilli, the hairstylist’s wife, and her lover Robert Louis Baker in January 2017 to kill her husband as part of a scheme to pocket his $1.6 million in life insurance. Austin’s alleged conspirators have been behind bars for more than five years, but until recently Austin’s identity and whereabouts had been unknown.
Sementilli was the father of three and an executive at the hair-care giant Wella.
Baker, 62, last year admitted that he killed the celebrity hairdresser on Jan. 23, 2017, leaving him in a pool of blood on a back patio in what was initially thought to be a home-invasion robbery gone wrong. Baker is serving a life sentence without the possibility of parole.
Six months after the killing, Los Angeles police detectives arrested Baker and Monica Sementilli, revealing that they had been in a relationship for 18 months. Baker, a convicted sex offender, met her at LA Fitness, where he was a racquetball instructor.
Baker, after admitting to the crime, has said that Monica Sementilli did not know about the murder plot. Prosecutors and LAPD investigators contend that extensive evidence shows she was tied to the killing.
Monica Sementilli’s trial is pending, and she and Baker have been held in the Los Angeles County jail system for more than five years. She had pleaded not guilty, and her attorney, Leonard Levine, said that she was falsely accused and that Baker will testify to that.
Her trial has been postponed a few times, and the arrest of Austin could change the dynamics. Prosecutors allege that Baker stabbed the hairstylist several times with a knife and that Austin stabbed the victim in the neck with a knife.
Baker is alleged to have told Austin that the victim’s wife wanted to get her husband’s life insurance money. As part of the conspiracy alleged by prosecutors, Baker gave Austin money to buy a ticket to fly from Anchorage to Los Angeles and a roll of gold coins after the slaying, according to the complaint.
Austin was arrested in Washington state and extradited to L.A. County, where he is being held on more than $2 million bail pending a Dec. 2 court appearance.
But though the home’s master bedroom was ransacked, the assailants never took the hair mogul’s valuable watch on his wrist, piquing the interest of detectives, said then-Robbery Homicide Division Capt. Billy Hayes. Security surveillance video showed two hooded men jogging up to the home before the slaying. Afterward, the men drove away in Sementilli’s Porsche and were recorded on another surveillance camera as they abandoned the vehicle five miles away.
In an apparent attempt to cover up their actions, the two men took a video recording system hidden in the garage of Sementilli’s home that captured video from six cameras around the house, prosecutors said.
Detectives closed in on Baker after discovering blood in the abandoned Porsche. His DNA had previously been captured after he was convicted of a lewd and lascivious conduct with a minor in 1993 and forced to register as a sex offender, Hayes said at the time.
Prosecutors alleged Monica Sementilli told Baker how to remove the home’s video recording system. They presented evidence that she watched a live feed of the area shortly before the killing to ensure Baker had a clear path to her husband. Prosecutors alleged that she also let her 16-year-old daughter come home first and discover the crime scene.
“Monica fully intended for Fabio to be murdered,” Los Angeles County Deputy Dist. Atty. Beth Silverman told a grand jury in 2017. “She wanted him out of the way because she wants to be with Robert Baker. She’s unhappy in her marriage, even though at the same time she’s acting like the loving, adoring wife.”
Baker pleaded no contest in July 2023 to one count each of first-degree murder and conspiracy to commit murder. He also admitted the special circumstance allegations of murder for financial gain and murder while lying in wait.
One of Monica Sementilli’s attorneys, Leonard Levine, told reporters after Baker’s plea that the defense was confident that his plea and his “truthful testimony will finally establish once and for all that Monica Sementilli had nothing to do with the planning or the murder of Fabio Sementilli, her husband. And we’re looking forward to the trial, which we believe will establish that fact.’’
Before my kids were born, I had an idealistic view of what parenting would be like. But it didn’t take long for my plans to be upended as the beautiful yet challenging adventure began.
What struck me most was the independence exerted by each of my kids, an independence that sometimes led them down compromising paths. For reasons I still ponder, I naively believed my children would be immune to compromise, especially when it came to matters of faith. I envisioned them navigating their walk with God with ease and certainty, never straying from His principles.
However, I’ve come to realize we’re all on our own journey, and for some, the road back to the Savior is long and difficult. Yet, I rest in the assurance that my family is held in the embrace of God’s sovereign plan. I trust that the Lord is at work, weaving His perfect will through our lives, including the lives of our prodigals.
With each passing day, I’m learning to release my fears and failures to Him, reminding myself of His promises and the hope He offers. I cling to the belief that no matter how far they may wander, there is always a path back home.
If you’re wondering what God’s plans might be for your prodigal, take comfort in these promising Scriptures.
He Desires to Save Them
“First of all, then, I urge that supplications, prayers, intercessions, and thanksgivings be made for all people, for kings and all who are in high positions, that we may lead a peaceful and quiet life, godly and dignified in every way. This is good, and it is pleasing in the sight of God our Savior, who desires all people to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth. For there is one God, and there is one mediator between God and men, the man Christ Jesus, who gave himself as a ransom for all, which is the testimony given at the proper time.” 1 Timothy 2:1-6 (ESV)
I probably don’t need to ask this, but is your prodigal son or daughter included in your prayers? Are you diligently praying for them with thanksgiving in your heart?
I know how difficult it is to keep interceding when you don’t see the fruit of your petitions. But don’t grow weary! Galatians 6:9 spurs us on, saying, “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” Imagine the beautiful harvest of your child’s heart ready to receive Christ. What a wonderful day that will be!
I love the parable of the persistent widow when Jesus emphasized the importance of praying and never giving up. He said, “And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? I tell you he will see that they get justice, and quickly” (Luke 18:7-8).
My friends, we are free to call upon the Lord, day and night. He wants to hear our prayers and petitions. Jesus removed the veil so we could enter into God’s presence and tell Him everything.
Draw near to God today, and let your desires be made known. Be persistent in prayer, believing in faith for your prodigal’s return.
He Wants Their Eyes to Be Open
“I am sending you to them to open their eyes and turn them from darkness to light, and from the power of Satan to God, so that they may receive forgiveness of sins and a place among those who are sanctified by faith in me.” Acts 26:17-18
Paul’s miraculous conversion on the road to Damascus is one of the most comforting passages for parents of prodigals. From murderer to martyr, Paul’s life was transformed in an instant by a glorious encounter with Jesus.
As we read Paul’s story, we see the great commission Jesus placed on his life. He was sent to open the eyes of the Gentiles, turn them from darkness to light, and deliver them from the power of Satan to God. Paul’s testimony is a powerful reminder that no one is too far gone to be captured by God’s love and redemption.
All along, God’s plan has been to open people’s eyes to His free gift of salvation. We can trust Him to meet our prodigals right where they are, offering them new life in Christ. Let’s remember Paul’s Damascus journey with renewed hope for our loved ones. The Lord still speaks today, drawing people out of darkness and into His glorious light.
He Seeks Them
“For the Son of Man came to seek and to save the lost.” Luke 19:10
Does God keep pursuing us even when we run away? This is a serious question that requires a serious answer. For parents of prodigals, it’s tempting to assume our kids have gone too far, pushed too hard, or run too fast. But remember Isaiah 59:1, which says, “Surely the arm of the Lord is not too short to save, nor his ear too dull to hear.”
In this post by Debbie McDaniel, she says, “Some days, we just need a reminder, that God is intimately involved in all that concerns us. Maybe we’ve been praying for something and still don’t see the answer. Maybe a door closed that we were really hoping would open. Maybe we’re battling discouragement and defeat, or we’re burdened for the lives of those we love…He knows. He cares.”
My friends, we can absolutely trust God to keep pursuing our prodigals with His limitless love. The word of His mouth has the power to change even the most wayward heart. Hebrews 4:12 says, “For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. And no creature is hidden from his sight, but all are naked and exposed to the eyes of him to whom we must give account.”
As you wait for your prodigal to return, pray the Scriptures aloud. Speak life and truth over them, believing God for greater things. Resist thoughts that they’ve run too far and remember no creature under heaven is hidden from God’s sight. He still seeks. He still saves.
He Makes the Way Clear
“If you declare with your mouth, ‘Jesus is Lord,’ and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved.” Romans 10:9-10
In one of my previous posts, Why Is There Only One Way to Heaven?, I share, “Jesus is the Way, the Truth and the Life. His way is sure, and His path is open to all. What a divine blessing to be given the exact directions to eternity! There is no guesswork. There is no re-calculating the journey. Jesus paved the way once and for all.”
Sadly, many prodigals feel they’re unworthy of salvation. If we were to take a poll, we’d likely hear answers such as:
“I’m too lost.”
“I’ll never be good enough.”
“I can’t live up to God’s standards.”
“It’s hopeless.”
In contrast, Jesus made the way of salvation as clear as possible. God’s greatest plan for your prodigal is to save them. He loves them with an everlasting love and wants nothing more than for them to repent, believe, and be saved. You can trust Him every step of the way. Do you believe this today?
Jennifer Waddle is the author of several books, including Prayer WORRIER: Turning Every Worry into Powerful Prayer, and is a regular contributor for LifeWay, Crosswalk, Abide, and Christians Care International. Jennifer’s online ministry is EncouragementMama.com where you can find her books and sign up for her weekly post, Discouragement Doesn’t Win. She resides with her family near the foothills of the Rocky Mountains—her favorite place on earth.
Lashing out at my kids one day for a seemingly minor offense, they had had enough. “Why are you so angry all the time?” My son asked. “Yeah, Mom, you yell a lot.” This broke me. Growing up in a home where my mother yelled a lot, I often walked on eggshells, not knowing exactly what her mood would be.
I usually hid my true feelings and generally didn’t express myself for fear of rejection or her wrath. This moment with my kids confirmed I had become just like her. I went upstairs and wept. “God?” I asked. “Help me break this generational sin of approval and negativity. I don’t know how to stop hurting my kids with my words, but you do. Help me break this stronghold in my life.”
I went downstairs and apologized. From then on, I worked hard to make sure I tamed my tongue and ensured that they came home to a safe, loving environment. Since I came from a tumultuous home, I wasn’t sure how to do it. But with God’s help, I could change my attitude and become gentler in responding to them. After a while, I couldn’t remember the last time I yelled at my kids.
It’s easy to live what we learn. If we don’t have the skills to change our behavior, we will often become like the people we hate the most. While I’m the type of person who speaks her mind, it is not always good for me to say whatever comes to my mind. I need to weigh and discern which words should come out and which should not.
Here’s how I learned the art of taming my tongue:
Balancing Grace and Truth
As a writer, I find it interesting that Genesis begins with God speaking the world into existence. This demonstrates that God considers words a critical part of life. He could have created the earth with his hands and mind, but he chose to speak life into being with words.
In the same way, I need to choose between speaking life or death to the people I know. I don’t want to be the person who constantly criticizes others. I want to be the person who speaks the truth in love and strikes a good balance between grace and truth. Although this balance is difficult to find at times, I know that words are essential, and if I don’t build my words correctly, I can leave a slew of carnage in my wake.
Recognizing the Weight of Words
Just as my words are important, they also carry significant weight. This is especially true with the people I love. Because I’m known as someone they can go to for blatant truth, if I’m feeling bad about another situation, it’s easier for me to project my feelings onto someone else. That person is left not knowing why I was so harsh with them, and though it makes me feel better, it’s only for the short term. In the long run, I have strained my relationship with someone I care about.
While it is important not to sweep words under the rug, speaking words is equally important so that I can tell the truth—but with grace. For example, instead of, “You were so stupid. Why did you do that?” I can gently ask, “Did you ask someone to counsel you before you did that? That’s not God’s best for you.” Both sentences communicate my disappointment with the other’s actions. But the first one assassinates their character. The second allows me to speak the truth and challenge them to seek other people’s opinions before they do something they may regret later.
If I continue to attack someone’s character, it can leave them feeling worthless, and they will likely not want to seek my presence again. This hurts not only them but also me in the end.
Practicing a Gentle Response
Several Proverbs talk about taming the tongue. God considers this necessary if he chooses to have almost an entire book dedicated to it. Consider these words from Proverbs 10:11: “The mouth of the righteous is a fountain of life, but the mouth of the wicked conceals violence. Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.”
As Scripture suggests, when I am gracious and gentle with my words, they are sweet to others’ ears. However, when I’m harsh with others, I incite anger and possibly retaliation or revenge. Even if harsh words are “necessary,” they never yield healthy relationships.
Even when it is tempting to be harsh with someone after they’ve been harsh, I must choose to use my words wisely. As someone whose spiritual gift is wisdom, I need to use wisdom when it comes to my words. I need to choose my words carefully and speak to someone I feel can maturely handle a rebuke.
Building Others Up
Even when it feels good in the short-term, using harsh words with someone strains (or even severs) relationships. This causes me to go back and apologize and make the situation right. Although this is a lesson in humility, I must learn to never say those words in the first place. Just as we can sin or become more righteous each day, it is the same with our words. I can choose to use my words for good or for evil. I want to be someone who can speak the truth in love but also encourage often.
The best way I can balance this is to use my words to bless someone each day. Whether through a written note, e-mail, or text, I can highlight something I like about someone and send it to them. Funerals are when we wish we could have said things to people. I choose each day to bless someone with love before they go. This is an excellent way for me to use my tongue to build others up rather than tear others down.
Reconciling
Just as words have the power to sever or hinder relationships, they also can bring reconciliation. When I apologize to someone, I increase humility, rid myself of pride, and allow forgiveness to occur. When I am willing to work on a relationship by changing my words, I make room for the Spirit to work in my life. I can set an example for someone through kind words, but in my challenge to someone, I can choose to be gentle in that rebuke so they can receive it with love and can change.
We have the power to bring death or life to others. God chose to use words to breathe life into being. Through our words in prayer, we usher in the Holy Spirit and allow miracles to occur. The ability to speak will enable us to be tangible witnesses of Christ. If I choose to help those in need and only rebuke those whose motives I know and have discerned, I will be the example Christ has set to challenge and inspire hearts.
Michelle S. Lazurek is a multi-genre award-winning author, speaker, pastor’s wife, and mother. She is a literary agent for Wordwise Media Services and a certified writing coach. Her new children’s book Hall of Faith encourages kids to understand God can be trusted. When not working, she enjoys sipping a Starbucks latte, collecting 80s memorabilia, and spending time with her family and her crazy dog. For more info, please visit her website www.michellelazurek.com.
“Never make light of the king, even in your thoughts. And don’t make fun of the powerful, even in your own bedroom. For a little bird might deliver your message and tell them what you said.” Ecclesiastes 10:20 (NLT)
When I was in high school, name-calling was the rage. My mom had warned me about bullies, but I thought times had changed… that was until I, too, became a victim.
Whispers seemed to protrude through the walls I walked by, echoing secrets of those who had tread the same path before me. Most days, I hung my head low, shuffling from class to class as quickly as I could. Though their accusations were cruel, some made me stop and think.
I was used to being called “skinny,” a “twig,” a dog that needed “meat on my bones.” I was somehow mocked and yet praised for my intelligence; someone always wanted something from me, mainly help getting an ‘A’ on the next week’s assignment. Maybe those were compliments. To me, they felt like slaps across the face.
But one day, the words went a bit further. I was on my way to pick up fruit for a fundraiser I had participated in when I stumbled upon a new weighted word: Someone had written “Jew” across my order form.
While I was initially stunned, a smile erupted within my Spirit. My faith was evident, even in the face of judgment.If I was going to be bullied for something, let it be my unwavering faith in Jesus. I understood the power of standing firm in who I am, regardless of the whispers around me.
The weight of our words is powerful. They can hurt and they can build up. It’s a mystery that cursing and blessing can come from the same tongue (James 3:10). But these words, as hurtful as they once were, shaped my understanding of identity, faith, and the power of our speech.
Here are three truths when it comes to knowing the weight of our words:
1. The Impact of Words on Identity: You’re Not Who You Think You Are
In a recent conversation with my therapist, we dug up some deep-seated beliefs I’ve had about myself. Some of them stem back to these days of bullying, while others seem to have come from things I’ve bullied myself into believing. But friend, just because you think something doesn’t mean it’s true.
It’s true that the more you think about something, the truer it becomes regardless of its validity. That’s just human nature. We believe what we tell ourselves and listen to. But this is all the more reason to be aware of these thoughts. Ecclesiastes 10:20 reminds us to not say bad things about other people, even within our minds or hearts. But what about the things we say to ourselves?
At the end of the day, we must remember that we are not our thoughts or others’ thoughts about us; we are who Christ says we are. Maybe like me, you struggle to read and believe reaffirming passages like Psalm 139:14. For years, I refused to acknowledge this passage because I didn’t feel like it was true. I knew it in my head, but my heart hadn’t caught up yet. Here’s the good news: God’s Word is infallible, and it remains the same regardless of whether you internalize it or not (Titus 1:2; 2 Peter 1:19).
Recently, I put Psalm 139:14 on my bathroom mirror. Every day, I see it and recite it not because I feel good about myself but because I believe in the power of God’s Word. It’s alive and active to help me believe and acknowledge God’s truth over time. It serves as a reminder that I’m not who I think I am, but I am who God says I am regardless of how I feel at that moment.
2. A Change in Perspective: Choosing Faith Over Fear
The second truth that the weight of our words has taught me is to adapt a change in perspective. Nothing is pleasant about being bullied, made fun of, or called names. I learned this the hard way in adulthood (because, newsflash, the criticism doesn’t stop when you grow older; there are just fewer repercussions for adults who bully). But changing how I view these hurtful words has changed me.
John 16:33 is a familiar passage to all of us when it comes to persecution and hardship. Jesus doesn’t promise an earthly world without these kinds of sufferings. But He does promise that His presence will be with us to the end. Learning to see our sufferings this way requires an eternal change of perspective. It doesn’t negate or minimize what we’re feeling here, but it helps us look beyond despite these turmoils.
The next time you’re faced with the weight of words, remember to choose faith over fear. Negativity and bullying present us with a choice: to succumb to hurt or to stand firm in our beliefs. Embracing our faith empowers us to rise above the words that aim to tear us down (2 Corinthians 10:5). Being proud of our identity as children of God can transform our perspective on adversity.
3. Be Mindful: Watch the Ripple of Your Words
Once we’ve realigned our thoughts with who Christ says we are and learned to stand firm in those truths, we must remember to watch our thoughts and tongues, the third truth that the weight of words has taught me. As much as I’d like to say I’ve never bullied anyone, I’m confident there have been times I’ve thought choice words about unkind people. Ecclesiastes reminds us this, too, is meaningless.
Just as others’ words can deeply impact us, we must be mindful of the words we speak about ourselves and others. Our private thoughts can have public consequences. God knows our every thought before we ever think them (Psalm 139:1-4), but we’re still responsible for what comes out of us.
If we want to change the weight of our words, it begins by speaking life, encouragement, and respect to ourselves and those around us. Not because it’s always easy, or we believe it, but because we know it’s the right thing to do. Want to transform the weight of your words? Here are some practical action steps you can take to implement this practice:
Practice Daily Affirmations. Begin every day with positive truths found in the Word, like Psalm 139:14 or 1 John 4:4. Reciting these daily affirmations will help reinforce your identity in Christ even if you don’t yet believe them. Speaking these truths aloud sets the tone for your day and allows God’s Word to penetrate the divide between flesh and spirit (Hebrews 4:12).
Choose Your Words Wisely. Whether you’re in high school, college, or adulthood, choosing to think before you speak is wise. If we’re honest, most of us find it easier to fly off the cuff and speak what’s on our minds than to pause, be patient, and reflect before responding. But choosing our words wisely has eternal benefits. It allows us to think about the choice of our words to value the weight of each one. Are these words life-giving, or are we saying them out of spite? Making a conscious effort to replace unkind words with thoughtful ones can not only benefit you but also those you engage with.
Pray for Transformation. As human beings, we have free will. But this free will is powered by the Spirit’s work within us to transform who we are and bring us from where we’ve once been. Seeking God’s guidance is one of the best ways to transform your heart, soul, and mind. It’s also the best way to transform the words that come out of you.
Proverbs 4:23 (ESV) says it this way: “Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.” When we pray for God’s Spirit to transform us and the power of our words, we receive wisdom—wisdom to discern when to speak and when to listen, even and especially in speaking to and listening to ourselves.
Which practical action step will you try this week to transform the weight of your words?
Amber Ginter is a teacher-turned-author who loves Jesus, her husband Ben, and granola. Growing up Amber looked for faith and mental health resources and found none. Today, she offers hope for young Christians struggling with mental illness that goes beyond simply reading your Bible and praying more. Because you can love Jesus and still suffer from anxiety. You can download her top faith and mental health resources for free to help navigate books, podcasts, videos, and influencers from a faith lens perspective. Visit her website at amberginter.com.
In Psalm 145:4, we’re reminded that “generation after generation stand in awe of your work; each one tells the story of your mighty acts” (MSG). This passage encapsulates a timeless truth about the power of generational influence. Yet, in today’s world, where the gap between the older and younger generations seems wider than ever before, we’re often left wondering: how can we bridge this divide?
Here are five practical ways we can create a “now generation” — one where the wisdom of the past and the energized perspectives of the future unite to create a legacy of lasting ministry:
1. Model Consistency and Commitment
One of the greatest gifts the older generation can offer is to lead by example in consistency and commitment. While society is less concerned with commitment than ever before, our example of faithfulness and consistency is invaluable in raising our children. Just as Jesus’ parents were consistent in attending the Passover festival every year, the older generation can model what it looks like to stick with something — in faith, work, and relationships. Younger generations need to see examples of steady faithfulness to know that success, in any area, comes through persistent devotion to God and respect for others.
Practical Tip: If you’re part of the older generation, be intentional about sharing stories of your long-term commitments with younger people. Whether it’s how you maintained a career, stayed committed to your faith, or nurtured a relationship, showing the value of perseverance can inspire the next generation.
2. Lead by Example and Discipline with Love
The next generation often looks to their elders for guidance on navigating life’s challenges. Whether it’s at home, work or in community settings, the older generation should lead with love, wisdom and necessary discipline. Mary and Joseph guided Jesus to attend the Passover as an exemplary regimen. In the same way, parents and mentors today should lovingly exhort younger people to engage in meaningful activities and valuable disciplines, like consistently engaging in the life of the local church.
Practical Tip: Create opportunities for shared experiences where you can offer guidance, whether that’s working on a project together, attending church or mentoring a younger colleague. Be firm but fair, knowing your leadership can steer them in the right direction.
3. Listen to the Next Generation
Listening is one of the most important skills when bridging the generational gap. James 1:19 reminds us to be “quick to listen and slow to speak.” Younger generations often have fresh perspectives and innovative ideas, but they may feel dismissed if they aren’t given a voice. In the Bible, Jesus — at only 12 years old — was found sitting among religious leaders, listening, asking questions, and sharing insights. His example reminds us that the younger generation has valuable contributions to make.
Practical Tip: Make a conscious effort to ask younger people for their input on projects or ideas. Whether you’re a boss, parent or coach, create an environment where they feel heard and respected. Listening to their perspectives makes them feel valued and simultaneously teaches us new perspectives and considerations.
4. Challenge the Status Quo in a Biblical Way
For the younger generation, there’s power in asking “Why?” Just as Jesus questioned the religious leaders, it’s important to challenge norms and think critically about the ways in which things have historically been done. This is how innovation happens. As the younger generation seeks to learn and grow from the wisdom of the elder generations, they have the opportunity to also offer new insights and solutions from a fresh perspective of God’s Word that can and will change history for the better.
Practical Tip: If you’re part of the younger generation, don’t be afraid to ask questions. Whether it’s in your workplace, church or community, challenge practices that seem outdated or ineffective. For the older generation, be bold in your encouragement and mentorship, urging those younger individuals to challenge the status quo and think outside the box. Ultimately, we must all approach these conversations with respect, knowing that both generations have wisdom to share.
5. Work Together to Create a “Now Generation”
Our challenge today is to create a “now generation” — a united generation that transcends age, where both young and old come together to make a positive impact. When the wisdom, commitment, and guidance of older generations combines with the curiosity, energy, and innovation of younger ones, the result for the Kingdom of God is powerful. In Christ-centered love, both groups must be willing to learn from, respect, and submit to one another in areas where they have less experience or knowledge.
Practical Tip: Seek out opportunities for intergenerational collaboration. If you’re older, mentor or sponsor younger individuals in your community. If you’re younger, volunteer to help older generations with new technologies or innovative ideas. The key is mutual respect and a willingness to learn from one another.
Building a Better Future Together
In an era where division seems to be the default, we have a divinely unique opportunity to demonstrate unity across the generational spectrum. Whether you’re part of the older generation or the younger, I challenge you to step up. If you’re an elder, model commitment, teach work ethic, and share your wisdom. If you’re younger, dare to ask questions, challenge the norm, act in loving obedience, and set the tone for today’s culture. But above all, let’s listen to one another and work together to establish a legacy that reflects the heart of God. To build a culture that thrives, it’s time to embrace the power of a “now generation” — one that stands together to reflect God’s glory and tell His story to the world.
“… and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior, for he has been mindful of the humble state of his servant. From now on all generations will call me blessed, for the Mighty One has done great things for me—holy is his name. His mercy extends to those who fear him, from generation to generation.” Luke 1:47-50
For more than twenty years, Pastor Troy Gramling and his wife Stephanie have led Potential Church, a fast-growing church with more than 20,000 members at locations in the United States and Latin America. A former teacher and college basketball coach, Gramling is passionate about partnering with people to reach their God-given potential to impact the world for good. Gramling’s latest book, “Potential: The Uncontainable Power of God Within You” released on June 11, 2024.
“Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.” Galatians 1:10
One of my earliest memories of people-pleasing was around the age of four when my older cousin took me to one of her college classes. As she introduced me to her friends, I remember the intense feeling of wanting to be liked. It was as if I was center stage, putting on a performance in hopes of gaining their applause.
Fast forward fifty years and I still find myself getting caught in cycles of people pleasing. I’m more aware of it now, and better able to realign my thoughts, but the desire for acceptance is still a very real issue.
Sadly, our preoccupation with people’s approval hinders us from the freedom we have in Christ—the freedom to love and serve others. Often, we miss divine opportunities to pour into people because we are so consumed by what they think of us. This isn’t something we like to admit, but it’s true.
If you’re still people pleasing, here are a few things to do instead:
Remember Your Audience
“Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men.” Colossians 3:23 (ESV)
Perhaps you’ve heard the phrase, “Live for an audience of One.” When I think of this, I picture an auditorium with one person in the front row—Jesus. As I stand on the stage of my life, I have nothing to prove, nothing to perform. In fact, I envision welcoming Him onto the stage, allowing Him to be front and center.
Through Jesus, we have the acceptance we most desire, as Ephesians 1:3-6 says, “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ, just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before Him in love, having predestined us to adoption as sons by Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the good pleasure of His will, to the praise of the glory of His grace, by which He made us accepted in the Beloved” (NKJV).
My friends, we will never be more loved, accepted, or approved of than we already are. And because we live for an audience of One, we are free to share our gifts and talents without the need to perform. We don’t need the applause of man or the standing ovation of the world. We only need Jesus as center stage of our life.
A Prayer to Remember Your Audience:
Gracious God, when I’m tempted to perform for others, remind me that You are my audience of One. Please remain front and center in my life, keeping my gaze fixed on You. Thank You for loving me, choosing, me, and accepting me. I am blessed to live a life pleasing to You. In Jesus’ holy name, amen.
Remember Your True Desires
When trying to break the cycle of people-pleasing, it can be helpful to remember your true desires. What fulfills you most? What gives you peace and joy? I’m not talking about superficial desires that often involve man’s approval, but instead, your true desires that bring lasting fulfillment and contentment. For example:
-Spending more time with God through prayer, Bible study, and worship
-Loving your spouse openly and lavishly
-Cherishing time with your family, pouring into them as God leads
-Valuing people, making them feel seen and heard
-Serving the Body of Christ with your God-given talents
-Doing your work with excellence and integrity
-Taking good care of your temple—mind, heart, body, and spirit
By listing the most important things in life, you’re redirecting your thoughts away from self-centeredness to others-centeredness. Anytime you’re caught in a cycle of people-pleasing, you can remember what matters most and realign your focus.
A Prayer to Remember Your True Desires:
Heavenly Father, please help me stop chasing after superficial things. Remind me of what’s most important—loving You and others. Whenever I get caught in an unhealthy cycle of people-pleasing, redirect my thoughts back to Your will. I truly want to live to please You and serve others with the heart of Jesus. In His precious name, amen.
Remember Your Focus
“Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.” Colossians 3:2
People-pleasing is often rooted in insecurity, and there’s a reason the word insecurity starts with the letters “i-n.” When we go through life with an inward focus, we lose sight of our God-given purpose. It’s like holding a pair of binoculars the wrong way, which causes our view to be narrow and limited.
In contrast, if we turn the lens upward, toward heavenly things, we see the world from a godly perspective. We yearn for the things of heaven instead of Earth’s fleeting achievements. Jesus taught His disciples to pray, “Your kingdom come, Your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven” (Matthew 6:10) A kingdom perspective can work wonders in turning us away from people-pleasing and toward a life focused on pleasing God.
A Prayer to Remember Your Focus:
Lord, please turn my focus away from my insecurities, which so often lead to people-pleasing. Expand my view to see the wonderful future You have planned for all eternity. From a kingdom perspective, renew my purpose to serve others with the gifts and talents You’ve given me, storing up treasures in heaven. As Jesus taught us to pray, “Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven,” I offer this prayer to You today, in Jesus’ holy name.
Get Rid of Doubt and Fear
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7
From my experience, doubt and fear are the biggest culprits when it comes to people-pleasing. We doubt we’re capable enough, which leads to fear of failure, which leads to striving for man’s approval.
Recognizing what drives our people-pleasing tendencies is an important step towards lasting change. Here are a few helpful questions to ask yourself:
-Who am I afraid of disappointing right now?
-Am I doing this for recognition or because it’s the right thing to do?
-Would I still perform this act of service even if no one noticed?
-Am I doubtful people will accept me, or am I trusting my acceptance in Christ?
Removing doubt and fear is a huge step in the right direction. With the fear of man gone, and God’s peace in its place, we are free to interact with our families, friends, and coworkers with calm assurance of our acceptance in Christ.
A Prayer to Remove Doubt and Fear:
Gracious God, please help me recognize when I’m people-pleasing through doubt and fear. In those moments, help me stop and take a deep breath, remembering the assurance I have in Christ. He is my portion and my prize. In Him, I can do what You’ve called me to do without worry or fear. Thank You, Lord, for removing my anxiety and replacing it with Your peace. In Jesus’ name, amen.
Step into Christ-Confidence
“For they loved human praise more than praise from God.” John 12:42-43
There’s a big difference between self-confidence and Christ-confidence. The first includes continuously building ourselves up in order to feel worthy or successful. The second involves living from the victory Jesus achieved for us through His finished work on the cross.
My friends, it’s by His strength that we are empowered to live and move and breathe. So why do we consistently do things in our own strength, depending on others for acceptance and approval?
One definition of approval is the belief that someone is good or acceptable. The Christ-centered definition, however, is that we’re made good and acceptable through His righteousness. Wow. What a difference Christ-confidence can make!
1 Thessalonians 2:4 says, “We are not trying to please people but God, who tests our hearts.” This verse sums it up, doesn’t it? Our people-pleasing ways are brought into submission when we surrender our hearts to the King of Kings. He is our focus, our desire, and our devotion. All that we say and do is for Him and because of Him, and when we finally grasp this truth, people-pleasing will become a thing of the past.
A Prayer for Surrender:
Gracious Heavenly Father, I have spent far too many years seeking man’s approval, and I’m ready to step into a new way of doing things. I surrender myself to You now. Please turn my focus to heavenly things, reminding me this is not all there is. Please remove the doubt and fear that have held me hostage and replace them with Your peace. Help me step into Christ-confidence and the knowledge of who I am in Your Son. Let His finished work be my focus and the grace upon which I build my life. I pray these things in His precious and holy name, amen.
Comedian Brittany Furlan snatched her dog from the jaws of a coyote that ran into her Woodland Hills backyard, according to an Instagram video posted Tuesday.
Furlan, wife of Mötley Crüe drummer Tommy Lee, posted Ring camera video that shows a coyote running into her yard at around 1 p.m., attacking her two dogs and grabbing her dachshund, Neena, from beside the pool.
Furlan begins screaming and chases the coyote out of camera view, eventually bringing the dog back into frame. When Lee runs outside, Furlan pulls Neena inside, screaming, “A coyote grabbed Neena!”
“Thank God she’s a little bit fat because he couldn’t make it over the wall with her,” Furlan wrote in her post. In the video description, Furlan said she climbed up the wall and grabbed the dog out of the coyote’s mouth.
“Please be very careful with your dogs,” Furlan wrote on the post. “I’ve lived here for four years and I’ve never seen one coyote and then today this happened. They are desperate.”
One coyote made it into a Simi Valley home through a dog door in May, targeting the family’s Chihuahua.
If approached or attacked by a coyote, resources from the California Department of Fish and Wildlife advise you to wave your arms, make noise and walk toward the coyote until it retreats, and avoid leaving animals or food in the backyard overnight in residential areas.
Despite life’s challenges and unknowns, I’m convinced that being a father is about being present, involved, and being the father God has called me to be.
The role of fathers in Christian parenting is multifaceted and profound. It’s a calling that requires strength and tenderness, wisdom and humility, and above all, an unwavering commitment to following Christ’s example.
1. The Spiritual Leader Guiding with Grace and Wisdom
When it comes to being a spiritual leader in the family, I’ll be the first to admit that it can feel like trying to navigate a ship through stormy waters—blindfolded. But here’s the thing: God doesn’t call the qualified; He qualifies the called. And boy, does He have a sense of humor about it!
I remember the first time I attempted to lead a family devotional. I had it all planned out—we’d read a Bible passage, discuss its meaning, and end with a beautiful prayer. Reality? My toddler was more interested in eating the Bible than reading it.
But you know what? We kept at it. Slowly but surely, those awkward family devotionals have become cherished moments of connection and growth. As fathers, we’re called to be the spiritual leaders of our households, guiding our families in the ways of the Lord. It’s a responsibility that can be overwhelming for us at times, but it’s also an incredible privilege.
The Bible gives us clear direction on this. Ephesians 6:4 says, “And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath, but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.” This verse reminds us that our role isn’t to be dictators but nurturers of our children’s faith. We’re called to create an environment where our kids can experience God’s love and grow their understanding of Him.
Being a spiritual leader doesn’t mean we have all the answers. Some of the most powerful moments in my journey as a Christian father have been when I’ve admitted to my child that I don’t know everything, but I know the One who does. It’s about pointing our families towards Christ, even, and especially, when we feel inadequate.
2. The Protector Shielding with Love and Discipline
When I think about being a protector as a Christian father, I remember a time I tried to assemble a backyard playset for my kids. Armed with a set of instructions that might as well have been written in ancient Aramaic, surrounded by pieces of wood and hardware, I was determined to create a haven for my children to play. Six hours, three bandages, and one near-nervous breakdown later, I stood back to admire my handiwork—a structure that looked less like a playset and more like an abstract art installation.
But you know what? My kids loved it. Not because it was perfect, but because they knew I had poured my heart and a good portion of my sanity into creating something to keep them safe and happy. And isn’t that what being a protector is all about?
As Christian fathers, we’re called to protect our families not just physically but emotionally and spiritually. It’s a role that goes far beyond assembling playsets or checking for monsters under the bed (though those are important too!). We’re tasked with creating a safe environment where our children can grow, learn, and develop their faith.
The Bible speaks to this role in beautiful ways. Psalm 127:3-5 reminds us that our children are precious gifts from God, and it’s our job to protect and guide them like a skilled archer aiming his arrows.
But here’s the thing about being a protector—it’s not just about shielding our kids from harm. It’s about equipping them to face the world with confidence and faith. It’s about teaching them discernment, helping them understand right from wrong, and showing them how to stand firm in their beliefs even when the world pushes back.
I’ve learned that sometimes the best way to protect my children is to let them face challenges, standing nearby ready to catch them if they fall, but allowing them the freedom to grow and learn. It’s a delicate balance, much like trying to walk across a room covered in Lego bricks—it requires careful navigation and a willingness to endure a little pain for the greater good.
3. The Provider
When it comes to being a provider, as a Christian father, I’ve found that it’s like trying to juggle flaming torches while riding a unicycle—it requires balance, skill, and a healthy dose of faith. And just like that circus act, there’s always the risk of getting burned or falling flat on your face.
As Christian fathers, we’re called to be providers, but this role encompasses so much more than just bringing home a paycheck. Yes, meeting our family’s material needs is important. But here’s the thing: providing isn’t just about money and material possessions. It includes nourishing our children’s souls, feeding their minds with wisdom, and cultivating an environment where they can grow in faith and character. It’s about providing them a living example of what it means to follow Christ.
I’ve learned (often the hard way) that true provision is about balance. It’s about working hard to meet our family’s needs while also making time for the things that truly matter—family dinners, bedtime stories, impromptu dance parties in the living room, and heart-to-heart talks about life and faith.
Sometimes, being a provider means making sacrifices. Maybe it’s turning down a promotion that would mean less time with family or choosing a simpler lifestyle so we can invest more in our children’s spiritual growth. These decisions aren’t always easy, but they’re part of the sacred duty we have as Christian fathers.
4. The Teacher
I once tried to explain the concept of the Trinity to my 5-year-old. I thought I had it all figured out—I’d use the classic analogy of water existing as liquid, ice, and steam. Clever, right? Well, for the next week, he told everyone that God was like a popsicle that could melt and turn into a cloud—not exactly orthodox theology, but points to creativity, right?
This experience taught me an important lesson about being a teacher to my children: it’s not about having all the answers but encouraging an environment of curiosity, learning, and growth. As Christian fathers, we’re called to be the primary educators of our children, especially when it comes to matters of faith and character.
Deuteronomy 6:6-7 instructs us, “And these words, which I command thee this day, shall be in thine heart: And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up.” This passage reminds us that teaching our children about God should be an ongoing, everyday process, deeply incorporated into our daily lives.
As fathers, we’re required to teach with our words and actions. Our kids are watching us, learning from how we handle stress, how we treat others, and how we prioritize our time. It’s a sobering thought. But it’s also an incredible opportunity to model what it means to live out our faith.
5. The Nurturer
Being a Christian father is not just about providing food, shelter, and discipline. It’s about creating an environment of love, understanding, and emotional intelligence. It’s about being the safe harbor our children can always return to, no matter how stormy life gets.
The Bible gives us a beautiful picture of God’s nurturing love in Psalm 103:13: “Like as a father pitieth his children, so the Lord pitieth them that fear him.” This reminds us that our role as nurturers is a reflection of God’s own heart towards His children. We’re called to show compassion, comfort, encouragement, and love unconditionally.
But being a nurturer doesn’t always come naturally, especially for those who grew up in homes where emotions weren’t freely expressed. We must learn how to create an emotionally safe space for our children. This can be achieved by being okay with tears, not shying away from difficult conversations, and showing our kids that it’s alright to be vulnerable.
As Christian fathers, we have the incredible opportunity to model emotional intelligence for our children. This means being in touch with our own emotions, expressing them in healthy ways, and teaching our kids to do the same. It’s about showing them that real strength isn’t about suppressing feelings but about understanding and managing them.
Nurturing also involves celebrating our children’s unique qualities and helping them develop their God-given talents. It also requires seeing the potential in them, even when they can’t see it themselves.
As we wrap up, we must remember that this journey of fatherhood is as much about our growth as it is about our children’s. Each bedtime story read and each heart-to-heart conversation shapes us into the men God has called us to be.
The path of Christian fatherhood is not always easy, but it is infinitely rewarding. It’s a journey filled with laughter and tears, triumphs and challenges, moments of great wisdom, and moments of utter cluelessness. But through it all, we have the help and guidance of our Lord Jesus and the wisdom of the Holy Spirit.
Emmanuel Abimbola is a creative freelance writer, blogger, and web designer. He is a devout Christian with an uncompromising faith who hails from Ondo State in Nigeria, West Africa. As a lover of kids, Emmanuel runs a small elementary school in Arigidi, Nigeria.
Former President Trump is scheduled to return to California next week for a pair of high-dollar fundraisers, one notably hosted by relatives of the wife of Gov. Gavin Newsom, according to invitations obtained by The Times.
On Sept. 13, donors are being asked to pony up as much as $500,000 per couple for an afternoon fundraiser in Woodside hosted by Tom and Stacey Siebel. Tom Siebel, a billionaire software developer and businessman who has donated hundreds of thousands of dollars to Trump’s 2024 campaign, is a second cousin once removed of Jennifer Siebel Newsom, the Democratic governor’s wife.
Newsom’s representatives did not respond to requests for comment.
Siebel Newsom’s family has a well-reported history of Republican activism, including by her father, Ken Siebel. But after Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis, whose presidential bid Ken Siebel supported financially, misstated the motivation for Siebel and his wife moving to Florida during a debate with the governor, the first partner’s father described DeSantis as a “lying slimeball,” according to the Daily Mail.
Trump will also headline an evening fundraiser in Los Angeles on Sept. 12, with top tickets going for $250,000 per person. The location and hosts have not been revealed.
The gatherings take place at a critical moment in the campaign, in the window between the first debate between Trump and Vice President Kamala Harris, on Tuesday, and Sept. 18, when Trump is scheduled to be sentenced for his conviction on 34 felony counts of falsifying records to cover up a sex scandal that could have affected his 2016 bid.
Trump’s vice presidential running mate, Ohio‘s Sen. JD Vance, will raise money in Los Angeles on Sunday, as Second Gentleman Doug Emhoff did on Thursday. Several Italian Americans, including Hollywood stars, will host a virtual dinner fundraiser for Harris on Sunday. Among the participants of “Paisans for Kamala” are actors Steve Buscemi, Alyssa Milano, Lorraine Bracco, Marisa Tomei and John Turturro, as well as former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi.
The amount of attention being showered on Californians in the waning weeks of the presidential campaign is due to its outsized role in fueling campaigns of both parties. Despite the state’s cobalt-blue tilt, it is home to an enormous number of Republican as well as Democratic donors and is typically among the largest sources of donations to candidates of both parties.
As of Aug. 8, Harris had raised $65.5 million for her presidential campaign from Californians, more than any other state’s residents had donated, according to Federal Election Commission fundraising disclosures of donors who contributed more than $200 to a candidate committee.
Trump had raised $24.8 million from California donors, the second-most from any state. (These figures reflect donations to the candidates’ committees, not to outside groups or independent expenditure committees.)
Friendships come in all forms from all different seasons of life. Your childhood friends, those you grew up with since elementary school, to those you played sports with during high school. Then comes college friends, roommates, friends of friends, not to mention friendships you may develop with co-workers or any other groups you belong with. If you are involved in your church, there are people within the church you become friends with and then you have all your spouse’s friends or friends with the parents your children play with. We will have friends there for our lifetime, and then some friends will only be there for a season. In any case, the question is when you are a believer, how do you share a deep friendship with a non-believer?
Jesus was our greatest example, and I’m so thankful we can look at his Word and his time on Earth for truth to help navigate life. When we think of Jesus’s life, we know that He was the Messiah who loved and healed everyone who encountered Him. He loved the masses of people and touched everyone who had the privilege to spend time with Him. He even loved the unbelieving, the sinners, and those cast out from society, like women or those with physical diseases. He embodied loving everyone – which included non-believers.
However, those He spent the most time with, day in and day for three years throughout His ministry, were His chosen twelve disciples. These were the people He had His deepest friendships with. They were all believers of Him and chose to leave their current lives and start living according to Jesus’ way as they walked with Him in His ministry. Even after Jesus died on the cross, the disciples continued believing and spreading the message of Jesus as the Messiah to the world.
Jesus loved all, but his closest friends were twelve believers. However, if you take it a step further, He then narrowed down his inner circle to three of the twelve disciples – Peter, James, and John. Many theologians believe that these were his closest and deepest friendships as they were the three who were with him the longest (Luke 5:4-11), and these three were present with Jesus during special events. They were eyewitnesses of Jesus’s transfiguration (Mark 9:2-3). They witnessed Jesus raising Jairus’s daughter from the dead (Luke 8:49-56). And one of the most intimate settings for Jesus was when he prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane before His death on the cross, and it was these three men who accompanied Him in the garden while He prayed (Matthew 26:37). These three witnessed Jesus’ greatest moments and His darkest trials.
So, what did Jesus do? He loved all and loved many, He spent His days with 12 other believers, and He had three close friends by His side in all the major moments—in which all of them were strong believers.
Jesus gives us an example of who to have deep friendships with. However, many of us have deep friendships with unbelievers right now, and in no way, am I saying you need to cut all your non-believing friends out of your life. Or maybe you are married to an unbeliever as perhaps you came to know the Lord after marriage. But looking at Jesus’ life as an example is something to consider as you seek out truth in the Bible and pray for how to navigate any relationships you are in with unbelievers.
The Caution of Having Deep Friendships with Non-Believers
The Bible is full of wisdom on befriending non-believers. Proverbs 12:26 says that “the righteous should choose his friends carefully, for the way of the wicked leads them astray.” The more time you spend with someone, the more you can become like them. Having deep friendships with unbelievers, we could easily be setting ourselves up to talk like them, think like them, act like them, and fall into sin like them. Of course, as believers, we all fall short as well, and in no way should we judge others. But the more you share deep friendships with unbelievers, the more you can be influenced by them.
Ask yourself if those you have deep friendships with are leading you astray – in other words, are they pointing you away from the Lord or pointing you towards Him? Do you gossip with them, slander others with them, or go to them for advice when you’re going through something difficult? Is their advice biblical or worldly? Are they a hindrance to your walk with God?
Romans 12:2a says, “Do not be conformed to this world…” Take some time to think about questions like these as this is something to consider as a caution when having deep friendships with non-believers. Take inventory of your closest friendships and how they may be affecting your walk with the Lord. Many of us have deep friendships with non-believers, and that is okay, but we may need to adjust some things and make sure we are not being influenced or swayed away from the deepest and most important relationship we will ever have—and that’s with the Lord. If you have some deep friendships with non-believers, here are three biblical ways to do that:
3 Ways to Share a Deep Friendship with Non-Believers
1. You need to love them.
When the scribes asked Jesus what the greatest commandment was in Matthew 22:34-40, Jesus replied, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind…and the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”
To share a deep relationship with anyone in our life, but especially a non-believer, we are to love them. We are to love non-believers just as Jesus loved others, and in doing so, we show them Christ’s love versus the love they are receiving from the world. Loving them means accepting them as they are, not judging them, being patient with them for they do not always know the ways of God as non-believers, being kind to them, forgiving them just as Jesus forgives us, walking alongside them, suffering with them (which could mean praying for them and encouraging them), showing compassion on them, and being the kind of love they have never experienced before. By loving them the way Jesus loves, we can be an example for them and show them Christ-like love.
2. You need to be set apart.
To be in a deep relationship with a non-believer, it’s important we still live out our faith and be that example to them. We don’t need to dim our light and our relationship with God just because they don’t have the same relationship with God.
Matthew 5:14 says, “You are the light of the world. A City that is set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do they light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. Let your light so shine before men, they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven.”
A beautiful thing about having a deep friendship with a non-believer is that you can shed light on the truth of God in their lives. You can do this by the way you live your life and by living out God’s truth. It’s hard to be bold and easy to be afraid at times of what others think. However, our purpose and what is referred to as the Great Commission is to “go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Teaching them to observe all things that I have commanded you…” (Matthew 28:19-20).
It’s hard to be set apart and not conform to this world, but it’s what Jesus asked of us, and we can have deep friendships with non-believers by just being ourselves, living out our faith, and being a light to them in a dark world. Be set apart just as Jesus was.
3. You need to pray for them.
To have a deep relationship with a non-believer, make prayer a priority. We need to make sure we are praying that we aren’t influenced or swayed by them in any way. Also, it’s important we pray for when we interact with them, asking the Holy Spirit to speak to us and prompt us when to speak up and when not to speak up. And then we should pray for them always as we are encouraged in I Thessalonians 5:17, especially praying for their salvation and asking the Lord to use us as a light and testimony in their lives.
There is no greater weapon that we have on this side of Earth than prayer. Imagine seeing their life transformed for the Lord. Imagine how much deeper your friendship would be if you had the Lord as the center of your friendship.
Praying for them has the power to potentially change their life and lead them to Jesus, and it allows us to lift up their needs on their behalf. One of the greatest roles we will ever have in a friendship with a non-believer is the role we have on our knees in prayer.
Having a relationship with a non-believer can be challenging, and we need to be careful that we are guarding ourselves against being led astray. But if we do have deep relationships with non-believers, we can do so by showing them Jesus. We can love them in a way that Christ loves and not the way the world loves. We can be set apart in our actions and conversations with them by not participating in the ways or views of the world. And we can pray for them in the hope of being a part of their coming to know the Lord and being that instrument in partnering with the Lord, bringing them into His Kingdom.
Alisha Headley is a writer + speaker who has a desire to meet the everyday woman in her everyday life with biblical truth. Stepping into her true calling, she left the corporate world behind as a former-financial VP to love on her family as a stay-at-home wifey + dog mama, while also being able to pursue her passion as a writer. Healing from a chapter of life consumed with lies she once believed about herself, she is inspired to point women to Christ to experience the freedom + power to overcome those lies with the truth written in God’s word. In her free time, Alisha enjoys road trips around the country, working out so she can eat her favorite foods, and creatively styling her outfits with a craft for fashion. Alisha is a proud wifey and dog mama living in Scottsdale, Arizona.
When two people commit to getting married, they vow to be together forever. But as the years go by, it is easy to get into a marriage rut, allowing small annoyances to bloom into bad habits. Those habits, when gone unchanged, can slowly erode a firm foundation of a marriage. Here are seven habits that can cause damage to a marriage:
The saying “the family that prays together, stays together” rings true, especially in marriage. Satan wants nothing more than to destroy a unit of two people–especially Christians—who are unified in their quest to glorify God in their relationship. The best way for him to destroy that unity is through a lack of prayer.
Sure, it seems easy enough to skip one day of praying together. But soon, that one day becomes two, which becomes three, which soon leads to months (or years) without prayer. How can a couple remain connected to the vine when their way of connecting to God is cut off from the roots?
2. Fighting Dirty
All marriages experience conflict. But what will you do when you (or your spouse) fight dirty? This means launching into a character assassination or degrading the other person in an effort to “win” the argument. You may win the argument with a few blows below the belt, but the war will have just begun.
Those words, if you haven’t apologized for them, will just pile up. Like toothpaste from the tube, you can’t take them back. Keep your fights clean by sticking to the issue at hand and the underlying fears and insecurities that lie beneath them, and you’ll have a marriage that can weather any storm of conflict.
3. Bringing Up the Past
When you fight with your spouse, do you stick to the current issues–or do you drudge up past mistakes, failures, and sins? God gave us memories so we can appreciate the past. But we must choose to either allow our past to ruin our present or to use it as a way to redeem ourselves and others.
If God chooses to “forgive our sins as far as the east is from the west” (Psalm 103:12), why can’t we? Jesus was clear that if we don’t forgive others of the times when they have wronged us, God won’t forgive us of our sins. What a sobering statement! This demonstrates Jesus’ passion for Christians to freely offer the same forgiveness as Jesus did on the cross. It won’t be easy—neither was his crucifixion—but he chose to do so because of his great love for us. And we need to love others with the same level of respect.
4. Staying Unhealthily Connected to Your Immediate Family
There is a reason why in Genesis, God ordained that man “should leave their father and mother and the two will become one flesh.” Your mother, father, and siblings are your foundation to lean on during your childhood. But once you become married, you are to lean on your spouse and start a family with them. That means enduring trials together as a family unit, not involving your parents or siblings.
There’s nothing wrong with asking a parent for his/her advice, but valuing their opinion over your spouse only spells trouble. When making major life decisions, make sure you make it with your spouse, not your parent.
5. Putting Conditions on Love or Respect
When a marriage has experienced a major trial like infidelity or other sign of unfaithfulness, the victim in the relationship may feel entitled to disrespect the other partner or withhold love for fear of being hurt again. Yet, the recipe for a successful marriage lies within Scripture: “However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband” (Ephesians 5:33).
As wives, we should respect our husbands, whether they deserve it or not. When wives can show their husbands respect, we can in turn show ourselves respect, and thus honor our marriages.
As well, husbands must love their wives whether they deserve it or not. It may not always look like holding hands or other physical signs of affection in public, but loving your wife means listening to her, supporting her during trials, and taking her opinions into account before making a decision. When a husband loves his wife, he also brings honor to his marriage. A marriage that has honor will eventually go back to a loving one.
6. Prioritizing Being Right Rather than Having Right Relationship
In today’s world, Christians are known more for what they are against than what they are for. When this is the case, their example of Christlikeness gets marred. It is the same in the marriage relationship. When a partner cares more about being right than in right relationship, the marriage relationship reflects less of the bride of Christ and more like two selfish people who only want to get something out of the relationship than giving to it.
Each partner must commit to giving of themselves fully to the marriage rather than having to prove the other wrong, especially during conflict. Stop trying to be right and winning in the marriage and follow the example of Christ, who spent His life-giving and emptying himself so we (and your spouse) can have the fullness of life our father promised.
7. Shutting Down Communication
One of the best parts of a marriage is when two people share intimacy both in the bedroom and outside of it. This means both partners communicate their feelings and emotions without fear of condemnation from the other. Marriage should be a safe place where people can express themselves fully. But when there is unresolved hurt and resentment that had not been dealt with, partners shut down and only communicate on a superficial level.
The relationship can deteriorate to the point where the best level of communication revolves around “how was your day?” Neither partner feels safe enough to express their discontentment with life or each other.
This reduces the relationship to nothing more than roommates. Christ’s relationship with the church needs to be more than just roommates. God wants our fellowship, and so does our partner. Imagine if your relationship with God was nothing more than a list of prayer requests. How healthy would your relationship be? Take the time to resolve conflict and heal from hurt so you can keep your communication at a deep level.
Marriage is far from easy, but when two people are committed to making it the best relationship they have, Christ is glorified, and they enjoy an abundant life of love and laughter God wants for them. If you are exhibiting these marriage habits, do the hard work to break them. This can include anchoring yourself in the word of God, seeking the help of your church or a therapist, or enlisting the help of accountability partners. Strive to be the spouse your partner deserves.
Michelle S. Lazurek is an award-winning author, speaker, pastor’s wife and mother. Winner of the Golden Scroll Children’s Book of the Year and the Enduring Light Silver Medal, she is a member of the Christian Author’s Network and the Advanced Writers and Speakers Association. Her first book with Leafwood Publishers, An Invitation to the Table, came out September 2016. She also teaches at various writers’ workshops, such as the Montrose Christian Writers conference. She and her husband live in Coudersport, Pennsylvania, with their two children, Caleb and Leah. For more information, please visit her website at michellelazurek.com.
When was the last time you had a fight, slept in separate bedrooms and had fantasies/fears that your marriage was over?
Joe and Tamra, working with me on a recent Marriage Intensive, had a night like that in the middle of their Intensive counseling.
“It’s over this time, doc,” Joe said during a frantic phone call one evening. “I know she is never going to keep working on our marriage.”
“Easy does it,” I said to the 49-year-old gentlemen from the Midwest. A hard-working man with a blue-collar job, Joe was not prone to exaggeration. His call indicated he really did fear the worst.
The first day of work had gone well and their marriage seemed to be stabilizing quickly. They were near separation when they arrived, but both were pleased with the way they had faced some difficult issues and learned new skills for keeping them out of trouble in the future.
“I said the wrong thing tonight,” Joe admitted. “You told us to go easy and I didn’t follow your advice. She said something that bothered me and I barreled ahead. We got into one of the worst fights of our 20-year marriage. It might be over.”
“Joe,” I said firmly. “It’s not over. She is upset and understandably so. She may be incredibly angry with you. We’ll go over what she said and why she isn’t talking to you tonight. But, tomorrow we’ll sort it out.”
Joe wasn’t easily soothed. Tamra wasn’t talking to him and they were in for a rough evening. I shared with Joe how every couple has been there—the cold, challenging evenings of sleeping alone. The silent treatment, where both walk on eggshells and any wrong word leads to another eruption.
“What I want you to do this evening, Joe, is simply to not make matters worse. Give her the space she wants and tomorrow we will sort things out.”
Thankfully, we’ve all been there and couples must learn how to pull out of these kinds of tailspins. Here is the additional counsel I gave Joe that evening.
First, know when to leave well enough alone. One of the worst things you can do when the situation is volatile is stoke the fire. There is a time when you need to leave well enough alone. When tired we don’t do our best thinking. When our emotions are frayed, we don’t reason clearly or well. Let the situation settle.
Second, step back to examine the problems. We don’t reason well when we are too close to the problem. We cannot gain perspective when our emotions are high. We must not only leave well enough alone, but must step back to reflect on the problem.
Third, quickly own your part in the problems. Having reflected on the problem, focus on your part in the problems. There is little value in focusing on what your mate has done wrong. Focus instead on your side of the street.
Scripture makes it clear we are not to judge or blame others. “You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge another, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things” (Romans 2:1).
Fourth, listen to your mate for where/how they are wounded. Every fight is an opportunity to bring healing to your mate. While of course they may not receive that healing immediately, at some point they will be receptive to you owning your mistakes and offering to listen to them. They will, if done correctly, receive your apology and offer for connection.
Finally, agree to grow from the problems going forward. Every emotional meltdown is an opportunity to step back, analyze what is happening, own your part and agree to do better next time. Hope is the great elixir to a broken and wounded heart. Offer it to your mate.
Joe and Tamra came to the next day’s session wounded but ready to learn and grow. In a short time they had talked out what had happened, why it happened and what they would do better next time. The same can happen for you.
I would like to hear from you about the issue of therapeutic healing in marriage. Please send responses to me at drdavid@marriagerecoverycenter.com and also read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on our website. You’ll find videos and podcasts on sexual addiction, emotionally destructive marriages, codependency, and affair-proofing your marriage.
Publication date: February 22, 2016
Related Resource: Listen to our FREE podcast on marriage: Team Us. The best marriages have a teamwork mentality. Find practical, realistic ideas for strengthening your marriage. Listen to an episode here, and then head over to LifeAudio.com to check out all of our episodes:
A mother blurted out this question: “How much do you think should I get paid as a caregiver for my son?” Confused, the person she was talking to asked for clarification, and this was her response: “Well, my adult son still lives with me and does not really have a good paycheck. I am saddled with bills and need more money to help pay for them.”
Psalm 127:3 says, “Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward.” Two words stand out to describe the value of children: heritage and reward. First, the word heritage denotes an inheritance or a portion of value. Second, the word reward means something given in recognition of a service or an achievement. And the giver of this heritage and reward, our children, is the Lord—a blessing indeed!
The Israelites experienced a baby boom—God’s inheritance and reward to His people—so much that they became a threat to the Egyptians. And no matter how badly the Egyptians treated the Israelites, God divinely increased them. And to put a stop to this population explosion and bring their numbers down, Pharaoh ordered the Hebrew midwives, Shiphrah and Puah, to kill any male child born by throwing them into the Nile. But the midwives disobeyed Pharaoh for they were God-fearing women—and God dealt well with them by rewarding them with their own families. “And the people multiplied and grew very strong” (Read Exodus 1). By the time they left Egypt for the great exodus, there were “six hundred thousand men on foot, besides women and children” (12:37).
The Blessing of a Family
Deuteronomy 28 opens with the blessings that the Lord provides. It shouldn’t come as a surprise that the verses included the gift of children to the Israelites. Moses said, “And if you faithfully obey the voice of the LORD your God, being careful to do all his commandments that I command you today, the LORD your God will set you high above all the nations of the earth…Blessed shall be the fruit of your womb…And the LORD shall make you abound in prosperity, in the fruit of your womb…” (vv.1, 4a, 11ab).
Going back to the very beginning, the creation, God gave the first multiplication assignment to Adam and Eve. He said, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it…” (Genesis 1:28). We read it next after God destroyed the Earth, when He commanded Noah and his sons to “be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth” (Genesis 9:1). To Abraham, God promised, “You shall be the father of a multitude of nations…I will make you exceedingly fruitful…” (Genesis 17:4,6).
Perhaps one of the most prolific fathers was Jacob, Abraham’s grandson, with his 12 sons—shepherds by profession. Out of Jacob came the 12 tribes, God’s chosen people, the fulfilment of God’s promise to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. They tasted and saw God’s goodness as He led them to the promised land, Canaan, the land flowing with milk and honey and fruits—grapes, pomegranates, and figs.
Fashioned after His image, God’s people became producers of humankind—the blessing!
Family Is the Most Important Community
In biblical times—and way beyond those times—it was customary to keep living with your family as a community. It made sense when Moses was teaching the Israelites how to love God with all of their heart, soul, and might, and how important it was for the parents to teach this to their children. He said, “[You] shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise” (Deuteronomy 6:7). They were together 24/7.
As children turned to adults, they owned their own habitations but lived in very close proximity. They had fellowship and shared meals. This was proven by Esau asking his brother Jacob to serve him his red lentil stew (Genesis 25:30). And when Isaac was weak and dying, Isaac requested his son Esau to prepare the delicious food that he loved—and Esau didn’t hesitate to go out to the field and hunt game to prepare it (Genesis 27:3-4).
When three of his oldest brothers followed Saul to fight the Philistines, David was ordered by his father Jesse to run an important errand for him. “Take to your brothers an ephah of this parched grain, and these ten loaves, and carry them quickly to the camp for your brothers” (1 Samuel 17:17).
It wasn’t hard for the fathers to turn over the reins to their sons. They didn’t have to force them to learn their trades. It was expected that they would take over and handle the business and family affairs. They grew up in it, with hands-on experience. Brothers Simon and Andrew and brothers James and John were all fishermen like their fathers until Jesus called them (Matthew 4:18-22).
Siblings Lazarus, Martha, and Mary got along well, sharing not just the same home but close friendships with Jesus and His followers, often extending hospitality to them (Luke 10:38-42).
Where Are We as a Family Today?
Obviously, there is value to a child, or the mother would not have asked how much money she could get for continuing to care for her adult son. However, her words revealed much about her worldly thoughts and feelings: she didn’t see a way out of her parenting responsibility, and it was causing her financial hardship.
We like to blame the economy, inflation—the list goes on—that the seemingly best-laid plan is to have maybe just one or two children, or none, because of the nightmare of rising costs. Most parents want to plan the length of their stay in the workplace, build that nest egg for retirement, and relax. Modern values have pulled us into thinking that children are more of an inconvenience, especially when they reach 18 and still don’t make plans to move out and venture on their own. This delicate situation of wanting to stay longer at home can be easily solved by finding jobs and paying rent, being more like a roommate rather than family—or the ultimatum of kicking them out. They can’t seem to wait for the day to come when they will be empty nesters, that it’s best to put a deadline on how long their children should live at home.
How did we end up with this bizarre mindset that we see children more as liabilities—the money drainers—instead of assets—the gift from the Lord, our inheritance and reward? We see how most of them are unprepared to face the challenges of the world, uncertain of what they want to do with their lives, and still stuck in their self-discovery phase. No wonder they can’t and don’t want to leave the security of their rooms! We, parents, should admit that we just don’t want to deal with handling their needs at a certain point as they mean the interruption of our own. And we wonder why we have so many prodigal and failing adult children!
Are we ever going to be ready to embrace how incredible our children can be and how they are God’s heritage and reward to us? The more we admit what a blessing they are to us, the more they will become one. And the more we diligently teach them about God’s Word, the wiser they will become. Then we can be certain that they are able to continue the cycle of blessing, producing generations of children who are obedient to God’s commandments, prosperous, and living a fulfilled life.
Luisa Collopy is an author, speaker and a women’s Bible study teacher. She also produces Mula sa Puso (From the Heart) in Tagalog (her heart language), released on FEBC Philippines stations. Luisa loves spending time with her family over meals and karaoke!
Have you ever felt like you’re living in a world of surface-level small talk and polite nods, yearning for something more substantial? Well, my fellow believers, I’m here to tell you that it’s time to dive deeper into the refreshing waters of honest conversations. As Christians, we’re called to a life of authenticity and genuine connection, not just with God but with each other. But let’s face it, opening up can be scarier than facing Goliath with nothing but a slingshot and a prayer!
I remember the first time I opened up to my small group at church about a problem I had. My palms were sweating, my heart was racing, and I was sure I’d rather be swallowed by a whale like Jonah than share my struggles. But you know what? Once I took that leap of faith, it was like a dam broke. The flood of empathy, understanding, and support was overwhelming in the best possible way.
That’s the power of honest conversations, folks. They can break down walls, build bridges, and create bonds stronger than whatever glue Noah used to keep that ark together. (Okay, maybe not, but you get the idea!)
Breaking the Ice: Overcoming the Fear of Vulnerability
Let’s be real: being vulnerable is about as comfortable as wearing a hairshirt in the middle of summer. It’s itchy and uncomfortable, and you’d rather be anywhere else. But here’s the thing: vulnerability is the key that unlocks the door to deeper connections.
The Bible is full of examples of vulnerability. Look at David—this guy poured his heart out in the Psalms, sharing everything from his highest praises to his deepest despair. In Psalm 38:9, he writes, “Lord, all my desire is before thee; and my groaning is not hidden from thee.” Talk about laying it all out there!
So how do we overcome this fear of vulnerability? First, remember that everyone—yes, even that person who seems to have it all together—has struggles. Second, start small. You don’t have to share your deepest, darkest secret. Maybe begin by admitting you’re having a tough week or struggling to understand a Bible passage.
And here’s a little trick I’ve learned: sometimes, being the first to open up can create a domino effect of honesty. It’s like you’re permitting others to be real too. So go ahead and be the brave one. Take that first step. Who knows? You might start a revolution of realness in your church community!
Remember, vulnerability isn’t weakness; it’s courage in action. It’s saying, “Here I am, imperfect and struggling, but willing to connect.” And that, my friends, is where the magic happens.
Creating Safe Spaces: Fostering an Environment of Trust
Imagine you’re at a church potluck and someone brings a mysterious casserole. You’re unsure what’s in it but know you’re expected to try it. That’s what it feels like to open up in a group that doesn’t feel safe. You’re hesitant, unsure, and a little scared of what might happen if you take a bite.
Creating a safe space for honest conversations is like setting the table for a feast of authenticity. It’s about cultivating an environment where people feel as comfortable sharing their hearts as they do sharing that questionable casserole. (Though maybe with less indigestion afterward!)
In the Bible, we see Jesus creating safe spaces all the time. Remember the woman at the well in John 4? Jesus met her where she was, engaged in honest dialogue, and created a space where she felt safe enough to share her story. That’s our model, folks!
So how do we create these safe spaces in our Christian communities? First, it starts with us. We need to be the kind of listeners who respond with grace, not judgment. James 1:19 puts it beautifully: “Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.”
Second, we need to establish ground rules for our conversations. Confidentiality is key; what’s shared stays in the group. Unless, of course, someone confesses to hiding the pastor’s car keys as a prank. (Then all bets are off!)
Third, we need to lead by example. Share your struggles and imperfections. When leaders are willing to be vulnerable, it sets the tone for everyone else. It’s like spiritual skydiving: when the leader jumps first, others feel safer to follow.
Creating safe spaces isn’t always easy. It requires intentionality, patience, and a whole lot of grace. But when we get it right, it’s like we’re creating little pockets of heaven right here on Earth—places where people can come as they are, brokenness and all, and find acceptance, love, and healing.
So, let’s commit to being safe space creators. Who knows? The next time someone brings that mysterious casserole to the potluck, they might feel comfortable enough to admit it’s their first time cooking!
The Art of Listening: Hearing Beyond the Words
You know that feeling when you’re trying to tell your spouse something important and they’re nodding along while scrolling through their phone? Yeah, it’s not exactly the pinnacle of communication. Well, it’s time we talk about the lost art of truly listening—and I mean listening, not just waiting for your turn to speak.
In our fast-paced, tweet-sized world, we’ve become masters of the quick response, the witty comeback, and the surface-level chat. But, when it comes to honest conversations, we need to channel our inner Sherlock Holmes. We need to listen not just to the words being said but also to the emotions behind them—the unspoken fears, the hidden hopes.
The Bible has a lot to say about listening. Proverbs 18:13 warns us, “He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him.” In other words, zip it and listen up before you start dishing out advice!
So how do we become better listeners? First, put away distractions. That means your phone, your to-do list, and yes, even that nagging thought about what you’re going to make for dinner. Give the person your full attention. It’s amazing how valued someone feels when you look them in the eye and focus on what they’re saying.
Second, practice active listening. This means asking clarifying questions, reflecting on what you’ve heard, and checking your understanding. It’s like playing verbal ping-pong but with empathy instead of paddles.
Third, listen with your heart, not just your ears. Try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. What might they be feeling? What’s the deeper need behind their words? Jesus was a master at this. He didn’t only hear the words people said; he understood their hearts.
Becoming a good listener takes practice. It might initially feel awkward like you’re wearing someone else’s shoes. But stick with it. The more you practice, the more natural it becomes. And who knows? You might discover that by becoming a better listener, you become a better friend, spouse, parent, and follower of Christ.
So the next time someone starts sharing with you, resist the urge to formulate your response while they’re still talking. Instead, lean in, open your heart, and listen. You might be surprised at what you hear when you listen not just with your ears but with your soul.
From Words to Action: Living Out Our Honest Conversations
Honest conversations aren’t just about clearing the air or having a good cry together (although those things can be pretty cathartic). They’re about spurring each other on towards love and good deeds, as Hebrews 10:24 encourages us to do. They’re about becoming the hands and feet of Jesus for each other and the world around us.
James 2:17 reminds us that “Faith without works is dead.” The same is true for our conversations. If we bare our souls to each other but don’t follow through with support, encouragement, and practical help, we’re missing the point.
So how do we have honest conversations? First, we need to be willing to get our hands dirty. If someone shares a struggle, don’t just say, “I’ll pray for you” (although prayer is important!). Ask them, “How can I help?” Maybe it’s providing a meal, childcare, or just checking in regularly.
Second, we need to hold each other accountable—with love and grace, of course. If someone shares a goal or a commitment to change, offer to be their accountability partner. It’s like having a spiritual workout buddy—you’re there to encourage, support, and occasionally give a loving kick in the pants when needed.
Third, we need to celebrate victories together, no matter how small. Did someone resist temptation? Awesome! Did they finally forgive that person they’ve been holding a grudge against? Break out the sparkling grape juice! (We are in church, after all.)
I’ve seen firsthand how powerful this can be. In our young couples’ group, one pair shared about their financial struggles. Instead of just sympathizing, the group organized a budgeting workshop, shared money-saving tips, and even helped them find side gigs to increase their income. A year later, that couple was debt-free and teaching others about financial stewardship.
Living out our honest conversations isn’t always easy. It requires commitment, sacrifice, and sometimes stepping out of our comfort zones. But when we do, we create a community that doesn’t just talk about love; it shows it in tangible, life-changing ways.
So let’s not just be hearers of each other’s words but doers. Let’s create a ripple effect from the action that starts in our church and spreads into our communities. After all, isn’t that what being the Body of Christ is all about?
Remember, authenticity is the heartbeat of a true Christian community. It’s in our vulnerability that we find strength, in our listening that we show love, and in our actions that we demonstrate faith. So let’s commit to deeper connections, starting today.
Emmanuel Abimbola is a creative freelance writer, blogger, and web designer. He is a devout Christian with an uncompromising faith who hails from Ondo State in Nigeria, West Africa. As a lover of kids, Emmanuel runs a small elementary school in Arigidi, Nigeria.
When I was a child, my family was not built upon God but upon the world. As nice as it would’ve been to grow up with a deep knowledge of God and what He says about me, it simply didn’t happen this way. Sadly, many people across the world have the same childhood.
This can impact us in many ways, such as struggling to know our worth and never hearing the gospel in an understandable way. It wasn’t until I was in college that I finally heard the gospel and accepted Jesus as my Savior. Without going to the Bible college I went to, I might have never placed faith in Jesus. I certainly wasn’t going to learn about Jesus at home, which scares me to think about.
I think of all the people who never had the chance to go to a Bible college or hear the gospel elsewhere. This is a sad reality and one we as believers must take to heart. We need to do all we can to help others hear the gospel in a meaningful and relatable way. For parents, this can start at home and is found in building a family on the foundation of God.
Teaching Your Children About God
If we are going to build our family on God, we have to teach our children about Him. As I mentioned above, I had little to no knowledge about the Bible or God. This negatively impacted my life in many ways. I am more than thankful that I know Him now; however, I wish I had known Him sooner. If my family had been built upon God, it would have saved me much pain and hurt as I developed into an adult and determined where my true identity was rooted.
This is why it is vital to build our own families on God. Through teaching your children about God, it will lay a foundation for their future. Even if your children are younger, they can listen to teachings about God. Start with shorter Bible stories and grow into larger ones as they get older. If your children are already older, you can help them get more involved with personal Bible time and share the gospel with them through age-appropriate conversation.
It is important to share the gospel with your children, especially when they are old enough to understand the severity of sin, how they are a sinner in need of a Savior, and the saving grace of Jesus. Children who are below a certain age have no possible way of understanding the gospel, but it’s never too early for them to learn. Just as we place importance on introducing them to their shapes, colors, and ABCs, it’s all the more important that we introduce them to child-appropriate songs, picture books, and arts and crafts that share the truth of Christ’s sacrifice.
We should encourage our children to learn more about Jesus, but it’s vital to understand that we don’t need to force them to place faith in Him. This defeats the purpose of them coming to know Him freely. Instead of pushing them into a declaration of faith, we need to be more patient and allow them to make the decision themselves. Just because our children have not placed faith in Jesus by the age of ten doesn’t mean they will never place faith in Him. Let the Holy Spirit work in your child at His pace. After all, He knows what’s best for your child, even more than you do!
Remember, we are looking for a genuine conversion—not a forced or coerced conversion. Anything forced isn’t genuine and of the heart and will wither and fade from their lives. Give your child room and space to make their own personal decision. Simply teach them about the Father, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit as well as the Bible. This will lay a solid foundation for their knowledge of God and help them truly understand the gospel.
Implementing the Teachings of the Bible in Your Life
Building a family on God cannot be done apart from modeling biblical teachings in our lives. We need to model love, kindness, and forgiveness in our daily actions (Ephesians 4:32). Instead of embittering our children, we need to build them up (Colossians 3:21). In everything we do, we need to extend Jesus’ love in our actions and words. This will help our children see a biblical approach to life and how content and hopeful the family is because we follow God.
As Christians, a natural outpouring of our faith should be seen in the way we treat others, and this includes our families. Instead of being hateful, hurtful, or harmful to our children or spouse, we are loving, caring, and compassionate. Children can pick up on when we are not caring or interested in them. Try avoiding this mistake as it will cause your children to lose heart. If Mom and Dad don’t care about them, they will believe God doesn’t care either.
This is why we need to implement the Bible in our lives. If the Bible says to be kind, caring, loving, forgiving, and compassionate, then this is what we must do. Parenting comes with its own challenges, yet we should never take our frustrations out on our children. Of course, no parent is perfect, but we should be a true example of saying sorry, asking for forgiveness, and repenting of our mistakes.
Sharing the Importance of Following God
Once our children see how important God and the Bible are in our own lives, they will recognize the importance of following God. If your children have placed faith in Jesus, they will want to start following Him in a more intentional way just like Mom and Dad do. However, if your child has not placed faith in Jesus, you can still share the importance of following Him through your conversations and actions.
These attributes naturally cause your children to become more interested in the Lord. Instead of viewing Him as a “made-up” person or a “character,” they will start to see Him for who He is: the Lord Jesus Christ, who died for our sins (John 3:16-17). As you show your children mercy and grace, they will begin to see God as merciful and gracious. As you show faith, they will understand the beauty of believing in what they can’t see. With time, your children will want to learn more about following God and obeying Him in their own lives. By seeing how joy-filled Mom and Dad are by following God, they will also be excited to start following Him.
Building your family on God will take time and be sprinkled with trial and error, but your persistence in faith will come to fruition. A family built upon God is a powerful, enemy-scaring family, who delights in God’s law and love. It gives God great joy to know that His children are walking in truth, loving their children, and teaching them about Him. Your efforts and dedication to the Lord never go unnoticed.
Keep following God in your personal life and seek to build your family upon Him in everything you do. If building your family on God is a struggle right now, turn to God in prayer and ask for His help. Ask God to help your family be built upon Him and His Word. Acknowledge your dependence on Him and petition for Him to give you divine guidance into what you should do. He will give you instruction, wisdom, and comfort as you build your family on Him.
Vivian Bricker loves Jesus, studying the Word of God, and helping others in their walk with Christ. She has earned a Bachelor of Arts and Master’s degree in Christian Ministry with a deep academic emphasis in theology. Her favorite things to do are spending time with her family and friends, reading, and spending time outside. When she is not writing, she is embarking on other adventures.
Imagine you’re at a family gathering and there’s that one relative who always seems to push your buttons. They’re negative and judgmental and seem to thrive on creating drama. As you feel your blood pressure rise, you can’t help but wonder—how on earth are you supposed to love someone like that?
We’ve all been there, haven’t we? We are faced with people who test our patience, challenge our kindness, and make us question our capacity for love. As Christians, we’re called to love everyone, even those who seem unlovable. But let’s be honest—it’s not always easy.
Understanding God’s Unconditional Love
When we talk about loving the unlovable, we’re talking about mirroring God’s love for us. It’s a love that’s unconditional, unwavering, and often incomprehensible to our human minds. Think about it: God loves us not because we’re perfect, not because we’ve earned it, but simply because He chooses to.
The Apostle Paul puts it beautifully in Romans 5:8, “But God demonstrates his love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Let that sink in for a moment. God’s love for us isn’t dependent on our behavior or worthiness. It’s a love that reaches us even when we’re at our worst.
This divine love sets the standard for how we’re called to love others. It’s a high bar. But here’s the thing: we’re not expected to manufacture this love. Instead, we’re invited to tap into the endless well of God’s love, allowing it to flow through us to others.
Consider the most difficult person in your life right now. How might your perspective shift if you viewed them through the lens of God’s unconditional love? What if you saw them not as an annoyance or a burden but as someone deeply loved by their Creator?
It’s a paradigm shift that doesn’t happen overnight. It requires intentionality, practice, and a whole lot of grace – both for others and ourselves. But as we grow in our understanding of God’s love for us, we become better equipped to extend that love to others, even when it’s challenging.
The Mirror Effect: Recognizing Our Flaws
Here’s a truth that might sting a little: often, the traits that irritate us most in others are the very ones we struggle with ourselves. It’s like looking into a mirror and seeing our flaws reflected in us. Uncomfortable? Absolutely. But it’s also an opportunity for profound growth and self-reflection.
Jesus addresses this concept in Matthew 7:3-5, saying, “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”
This passage isn’t about shaming us. Instead, it’s an invitation to honest self-examination. When irritated by someone’s behavior, it can be enlightening to ask ourselves, “Have I ever acted similarly? Do I sometimes display this trait that I find annoying in others?”
For example, maybe you have a coworker who constantly complains about everything. It drives you up the wall. But if you’re honest with yourself, you might realize you’ve been pretty negative lately too. Maybe not to the same extent, but the seed of that behavior is there.
Recognizing our flaws doesn’t excuse bad behavior in others. But it does foster empathy and compassion. It reminds us that we’re all works in progress and all in need of grace. And when we extend grace to others, we create space for our growth and healing.
So the next time you find yourself frustrated with someone’s behavior, try turning that frustration into a mirror. What might it be revealing about your own heart? How can you use this insight to grow in empathy and self-awareness?
The Power of Empathy: Walking in Their Shoes
Empathy is the ability to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes and try to understand their perspective, even when we don’t feel like it. And let me tell you, it can be transformative.
Think about Jesus for a moment. He was the embodiment of empathy. He didn’t just preach from a distance; he got down in the trenches with people. He ate with tax collectors and sinners, touched lepers, and spoke compassionately to those society had rejected. He understood people’s pain, their struggles, and their hopes.
In Hebrews 4:15, we’re reminded that Jesus can “empathize with our weaknesses” because He has faced the same temptations. That’s powerful stuff. It means that when we’re struggling, we have a Savior who gets and understands it too.
So how do we cultivate this kind of empathy for the difficult people in our lives? It starts with curiosity. Instead of immediately judging or dismissing someone’s behavior, we can ask ourselves: “What might be going on beneath the surface? What experiences or pain might be driving this person’s actions?”
Maybe that grumpy neighbor has been battling a chronic illness. Perhaps that critical family member grew up in a household where nothing was ever good enough. The rude customer service rep might be dealing with a personal crisis we know nothing about.
This doesn’t mean we excuse hurtful behavior. But understanding the potential ‘why’ behind someone’s actions can soften our hearts and help us respond with grace rather than frustration.
Practicing empathy also involves active listening. It means setting aside our agenda and hearing what the other person is saying—and what they’re not saying. It means being present, showing genuine interest, and responding with compassion.
Remember, empathy isn’t about fixing people or their problems. It’s about creating a safe space where people feel seen, heard, and valued. And often, that’s exactly what the ‘difficult’ people in our lives need most.
The Art of Boundaries: Loving Without Enabling
Now, here’s where things get a bit tricky. Loving the unlovable doesn’t mean becoming a doormat or enabling harmful behavior. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is set clear, firm boundaries.
Jesus, our ultimate example of love, wasn’t afraid to set boundaries. He often withdrew from crowds to pray and rest (Luke 5:16). He confronted the Pharisees when their actions were harmful (Matthew 23). He even told His disciples to shake the dust off their feet and move on when their message wasn’t received (Matthew 10:14).
Boundaries are not walls that shut people out. They’re more like fences with gates—they protect what’s important while allowing for connection. They define what’s okay and what’s not in our relationships. And when implemented with love and respect, they can strengthen our ability to love difficult people.
So what might this look like in practice? It could mean limiting the time you spend with a toxic relative. It might involve communicating your expectations to a friend who consistently cancels plans at the last minute. Or it could mean removing yourself from a situation where someone is being verbally abusive.
The key is to set boundaries with love, not anger or resentment. It’s about saying, “I care about you, AND I also need to take care of myself.” It’s about valuing the relationship while also valuing your well-being.
Setting boundaries can initially feel uncomfortable, especially if you’re not used to it. But remember, it’s not unloving to have limits. Healthy boundaries can create the safe space needed for real love and growth to flourish.
And here’s a beautiful thing: as we learn to set healthy boundaries, we often find that our capacity to love difficult people increases. We’re no longer drained by toxic interactions, so we have more energy to extend grace and compassion.
Cultivating Love Through Spiritual Disciplines
Loving the unlovable isn’t a one-time decision – it’s a journey of growth. And like any journey, it requires preparation, practice, and perseverance. This is where spiritual disciplines come into play. These practices help us cultivate a heart open to loving difficult people.
Prayer is a powerful tool in this journey. It’s not just about asking God to change the difficult person (although that’s okay too!). It’s about asking God to change our hearts. To help us see others as He sees them. To fill us with His love so we can pour it out to others.
In Matthew 5:44, Jesus gives us a challenging command: “But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” Praying for difficult people can be transformative. It’s hard to hold onto resentment when you’re consistently lifting someone up in prayer.
Another helpful practice is meditation on Scripture. Dwelling on passages about God’s love and forgiveness can reshape our thinking and soften our hearts. Verses like Ephesians 4:32 – “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” – can become powerful mantras in our interactions with difficult people.
Fasting can also play a role in this journey. When we fast, we’re reminded of our dependence on God and our limitations. This humility can make us more open to extending grace to others.
Practicing gratitude is another powerful discipline. When we focus on the blessings in our lives, including the growth opportunities that difficult relationships provide, our perspective shifts. We become more aware of God’s grace in our own lives, making it easier to extend that grace to others.
Remember, these spiritual disciplines aren’t about earning God’s love or becoming “good enough” to love difficult people. They’re about positioning ourselves to receive and reflect God’s love more fully.
As we engage in these practices, we’ll likely find that loving the unlovable becomes less of a struggle and more of a natural outflow of our relationship with God. It’s a gradual process with plenty of ups and downs along the way. But each step forward is a victory worth celebrating.
I love the unlovable, challenging path, no doubt about it. It’s a challenge that goes against our instincts. It requires intentionality, perseverance, and a whole lot of grace—both for others and for ourselves.
But here’s the beautiful thing: as we step out in faith to love those who are hard to love, we open ourselves up to profound transformation. We begin to see others—and ourselves—through God’s eyes. We grow in empathy, compassion, and emotional maturity. We become living testimonies to the power of God’s love.
And who knows? Our act of extending grace might be the very thing that sparks change in a difficult person. Romans 12:20 reminds us, “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” This isn’t about revenge but about the transformative power of unexpected kindness.
So, the next time you’re faced with that button-pushing relative, that irritating coworker, or that challenging neighbor, remember—this is your opportunity to reflect God’s love deeply. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it. Because in the end, love never fails (1 Corinthians 13:8).
Let’s commit to being people who love extravagantly, who extend grace generously, and who see the image of God even in the most difficult individuals. In doing so, we not only change our relationships—we change the world, one act of love at a time.
Emmanuel Abimbola is a creative freelance writer, blogger, and web designer. He is a devout Christian with an uncompromising faith who hails from Ondo State in Nigeria, West Africa. As a lover of kids, Emmanuel runs a small elementary school in Arigidi, Nigeria.
