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Tag: What Is Love

  • The Difference Between Love and Emotional Connection

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    What Is Love?

    Love is a feeling that can be expressed in many different ways. It can be communicated through words, actions and behaviors. It is a deep feeling of affection and caring for another person. It is a necessary part of relationships, but in and of itself not enough to sustain relationships through the trials and tribulations of life. 

    Expression of Love

    There has been a lot of focus on love and its expression. People show love by being affectionate, doing nice things for one another, showing their partner care, and telling them how much they mean to them. 

    People receive love in different ways as well. Some people love to receive compliments and affection. Others prefer when their partner cooks dinner and does the dishes for them. Because there is so much variation in how people express and receive love, there can be a disconnect in relationships. What if one partner feels loved when their partner plans a getaway weekend for them, while the other expresses love by doing the laundry and baking a cake? 

    Reasons for Differences

    Like with most relationship issues, the reason for differences usually predate the relationship, originating from childhood. Here are some common reasons:

    • How you were raised
    • The way your parents showed you love
    • How your parents expressed love to one another 
    • Relationships with your friends 
    • What you experienced in past relationships
    • Your individual personality. 

    Love Mismatch 

    When there is a difference between how your partner expresses love and how you like to receive love, there is a mismatch. This type of mismatch can lead to misunderstandings and conflict. One partner might feel unappreciated and the other may feel misunderstood. Let’s say your husband goes out and buys an expensive necklace with your birthstone for your birthday. But you don’t wear a lot of jewelry and you are stressed about finances. When you receive it, you immediately think, I won’t wear this. What he spent on the necklace could have paid off the credit card bill. Your husband sees your face and feels badly. He might think I can never make her happy! Or she doesn’t appreciate the effort I make.

    So this is where the difference between love and emotional connection comes into play. 

    Emotional Connection

    Emotional connection is a deep bond between two people based on trust, commitment and a strong friendship. It is an intimacy that goes beyond love where your partner’s wellbeing is not just important to you but a part of how you think and what you consider as you move through your daily life.

    What Does Emotional Connection Look Like?

    • It begins with understanding your partner’s current world.
    • What are they worried about?
    • Who are their close friends?
    • What are they looking forward to?
    • How is their work?

    So let’s go back to the scenario of the necklace for your birthday. If your husband had known that you were currently worried about money, he might have taken that into consideration when buying your birthday gift. If he paid attention to the fact that you wanted a day off from cooking and planning, he might have made the dinner plans. He can still give you a piece of jewelry so that he feels like he is expressing his love, but it could have been something less expensive and more meaningful.

    This way you would both feel like you were giving and receiving love,  and that it was appreciated by one another. You can see how this one small example can have different variations throughout your daily life, resulting in hurt feelings, misunderstandings and eventually resentment. This is not from an absence of love but rather a lack of understanding that comes from a true emotional connection.

    Open-Ended Questions

    One of the strongest predictors of lasting intimacy is how well partners stay connected in each other’s inner worlds. Keeping your partner in your mind’s awareness — even when you’re apart — is fundamental to emotional connection. You are moving through life together, not living parallel lives.

    You do this by asking questions to more deeply understand them on a daily basis. Ask questions that invite your partner to open up, rather than ones that only allow for a one word response. It might look like ‘Tell me about the most stressful part of your day today” vs “How was your day?” Actively inviting your partner to share their experience, thoughts and feelings with you builds connection and trust. 

    Showing Appreciation

    Noticing the positive things your partner does AND sharing your appreciation with them is an important part of a healthy happy relationship. It is easy to fall into a negative state of mind where you only notice the things your partner doesn’t do. That is a natural part of how the brain functions – the negativity bias. However, if you look for the positive in your environment, you will find it. When you regularly share appreciation and kindness towards your partner, you are creating a positive dynamic and feedback loop which leads to more and more positivity between the two of you.

    Bids

    Dr. John Gottman’s research shows that how couples handle ‘bids for connection’ is what can make or break a relationship. In fact he calls them ‘the fundamental unit of emotional communication.’ Bids for connection are those often subtle attempts to get attention from your partner. They can be verbal, nonverbal and/or a simple gesture. It is an expression of a desire to connect with your partner without actually saying “I want to connect. Pay attention to me!” 3 year olds are great at doing this with their parents, but as we get older it becomes more difficult to put ourselves in that position of vulnerability.

    What Do Bids Look Like?

    Bids may be thoughts, feelings, observations, opinions, or invitations. Easily recognizable verbal bids may sound like this:

    • Do you want to grab a cup of coffee with me?
    • Could you ask your friends if they know a good auto mechanic?
    • The neighbor’s house just went up for sale.
    • Did you see that news story about…?

     

    According to Dr. Gottman, nonverbal bids include:

    • Affectionate touching, such as a fun handshake, a pat, a squeeze, a kiss, a hug, or a back or shoulder rub.
    • Facial expressions, such as a smile, blowing a kiss, making a silly face, or sticking out your tongue.
    • Playful touching, such as tickling, bopping, wrestling, dancing, or a gentle bump or shove.
    • Affiliating gestures, such as opening a door, offering a place to sit, handing over a utensil, or pointing to a shared activity or interest.
    • Vocalizing, such as laughing, chuckling, grunting, sighing, or groaning in a way that invites interaction or interest.

    How Do You Respond to a Bid?

    There are three ways you can respond to a bid:

    1. Turning towards (acknowledging and engaging with the bid)
    2. Turning away (ignoring or missing the bid)
    3. Turning against (rejecting the bid through argument or hostility)

    Gottman found a critical difference in how happy and unhappy couples respond to bids for connection. Happy couples turned towards each other 86% of the time. Unhappy couples turned towards each other only 33% of the time.

    In fact, happy couples bid all the time. Gottman found that at the dinner table, happy couples might bid as many as one hundred times in a ten-minute period! It comes down to simply paying attention to one another and valuing and feeling valued by your partner. 

    The Role of Love

    Falling in love with someone feels good…really good. There is an initial phase of love where hormones and neurotransmitters (including dopamine- the ‘feel good’ hormone) are released. This can cause a feeling of euphoria, intoxication….a high. This phase can last for several weeks to a couple of years at which point you will learn that while love is important, without emotional connection the relationship will likely not survive. 

    Even when love is present, frequent misunderstandings or hurt feelings can create distance. Often, this stems from differing ways of expressing love. When you center your attention on building emotional connection, you begin to bridge those differences and strengthen your bond.

    When you have an emotional connection, you can argue without feeling like your relationship might end. You can fight and still know that your partner loves and respects you. Emotional connection allows you to move through the inevitable challenges that will arise in your relationship and in life. You have a sense of ‘we-ness’ vs ‘me-ness’ and know that regardless of what is happening around you, you have each other’s backs. This is the difference between love and emotional connection.

    Recipe for Success

    Research shows that doing the following will create an emotional loving connection:

    1. Know your partner’s world and hold space for it in your head and heart
    2. Ask your partner questions, inviting them to share and be vulnerable with you
    3. Notice the positive in your partner and let them know 
    4. Turn towards your partner when they make a bid for connection
    5. Make and respond to lots and lots of bids

     

    Life is full of external stress and pressures, unknowns and challenges. In between there are lots of moments. It is what you do in these moments that will allow you to get through the hard times with your partner. When you use these moments to connect and show your partner care, you are drastically increasing your chances of having a happy, healthy relationship. Unfortunately simply loving someone doesn’t fortify your relationship in the same way.  Without the practices and moments of connection, love might exist but partners can drift apart emotionally. Love becomes an idea or an abstract, but not a shared and lived experience. So make the most of those small moments, do the little things that make a big difference to keep your love alive and have a successful relationship. 

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    Kendra Han

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  • David Guetta, Anne-Marie and Coi Leray’s “Baby Don’t Hurt Me” Pays More Homage to A Night at the Roxbury Than Haddaway

    David Guetta, Anne-Marie and Coi Leray’s “Baby Don’t Hurt Me” Pays More Homage to A Night at the Roxbury Than Haddaway

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    As the latest in an increasingly long line (no nightclub pun intended) of songs that have seen fit to extract 90s dance hits for a twenty-first century “update” (though not necessarily improvement), “Baby Don’t Hurt Me” alludes to its origin source in the title. That is to say, Haddaway’s chorus in “What Is Love” that finishes such a weighty question with, “Baby don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me/No more.” But, clearly, Haddaway was hurting enough financially to allow David Guetta, Anne-Marie and Coi Leray to sample his song. Just as Alice Deejay likely was in order to allow Kim Petras and Nicki Minaj to decimate “Better Off Alone.” Unlike the latter duo, however, the trio of “Baby Don’t Hurt Me” saw fit to pay more direct and correlative homage to a song that soundtracked most of the 90s (apart from the Mentos jingle).

    Originally released in 1993, the single became an archetype of the Eurodance genre that soon managed to warm the hearts of even the most tasteless and/or grunge-happy (an oxymoron, to be sure) Americans. Three years later, Will Ferrell and Chris Kattan would revive the track with their Saturday Night Live sketch, “The Roxbury Guys.” Playing Doug (Kattan) and Steve Butabi (Ferrell), the brothers’ signature was club-hopping from one L.A. hotspot to another as they struck out with women at every venue (via methods that would be decidedly non-#MeToo kosher today). Often joined by the host of the show, including Jim Carrey, Martin Short and Tom Hanks, the sketch proved popular enough to become fodder for the eighth movie based on an SNL sketch, A Night at the Roxbury (released in 1998). Regardless, the premise wasn’t really “meaty” enough to extend past the one-hour, twenty-two-minute mark. Even so, it left an indelible enough impression on the collaborators of “Baby Don’t Hurt Me,” who open their video, directed by Hannah Lux Davis, in much the same way as A Night at the Roxbury: with splashy club scenes shot in a manner that comes across in a way Cher Horowitz would dub “Noxema commercial”-esque. And, on a side note, Clueless’ director, Amy Heckerling, did co-produce the movie (maybe that’s why both Dan Hedaya, Elisa Donovan and even Twink Kaplan are in it).

    As for Doug and Steve, they don’t ever limit their evening to just one club (as Guetta, Anne-Marie and Leray do). This being something we see established when they commence at Billboard Live (before it became The Key Club) at 11:32 p.m., then head to the Mudd Club by 12:16 a.m. Striking out with the women there as well after a botched attempt to impress them with their story of encountering “Breakfast Clubber” Emilio Estevez, they head to the Roxbury, arriving by 1:24 a.m. (but first, they’re pulled over [by Jennifer Coolidge] for speeding while doing their head bobs to “What Is Love,” of course). As Ace of Base’s “Beautiful Life” plays during this scene, A Night at the Roxbury continues to immortalize what club culture in 90s L.A. consisted of. Mainly, waiting in line outside if you weren’t on the guest list. Hence, Doug’s insistence that once he and Steve open their own club, not only will they finally get in, but, “We’re also gonna treat all the outside wannabes just as well as any legendary television star.” Of course, such an egalitarian approach to clubbing wouldn’t take hold until now (when “elitism” in such a milieu has become all but impossible thanks to smartphones)—which is perhaps why Guetta, Anne-Marie and Leray have decided to use this moment to bring Haddaway and its place in A Night at the Roxbury back to the forefront.

    Thus, the presence of Doug and Steve-emulative dance moves amid a boxing ring inexplicably appearing on the center of the dance floor as two women stand in their corners waiting to fight…or have a dance-off. But no, turns out, it’s to fight (after all, it speaks to the title of “Baby Don’t Hurt Me”). Meanwhile, Anne-Marie sings, “I want you for the dirty and clean/When you’re wakin’ in your dreams.” A lyric that harkens back to Doug saying, “You can take away our phones, you can take away our keys, but you cannot take away our dreams.” To which Steve adds, “That’s right, ‘cause we’re, like, sleeping when we have them.”  Their dream, as mentioned, is to open a nightclub. Something as ostensibly “inclusive” as what appears in the “Baby Don’t Hurt Me” video. And probably something as pain/pleasure-oriented, to boot. After all, the original “What Is Love” is drenched in the tone of a masochist who can’t quit a love that’s obviously emotionally damaging. So when Anne-Marie says, “When you bite my tongue and make me scream…/We are burnin’ at a high degree/And you make me feel like it burns/And it hurts/Maybe that’s part of the rush/This is us.”

    The “This is us” of that hurt in A Night at the Roxbury is the growing pains that occur between Doug and Steve, as the latter starts to be more and more seduced by the normie life his overbearing father, Kamehl (Hedaya), wants for him. Complete with marrying Emily Sanderson (Molly Shannon), the daughter of the lighting store owner next door to Kamehl’s fake plant store. Because obviously their marriage would mean a lucrative business merger. But what does that matter to Steve, who really just wants to club all night like Doug?

    With “Baby Don’t Hurt Me,” the glory days that furnished being able to have such dreams are briefly glimpsed as, by the end of the video, everyone in the club is doing the signature Butabi brothers head bob to the beat that punctuated dance floors everywhere (without irony) in the mid-90s. In this sense, it’s hard to say if Haddaway owes a greater debt to A Night at the Roxbury or vice versa. Either way, the trio reviving the song here still sees the movie as being inextricably linked to it. One can’t exist without the other, apparently. That might be bad news for Haddaway, but it certainly helps revitalize the ever-dwindling collective memory of the John Fortenberry-directed film so often considered to be the perfect “hokey” pairing with Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion (after all, it’s about two “daffy” dames whose lives are also built around clubbing in L.A.).

    In the final scenes of “Baby Don’t Hurt Me,” the fighters in the boxing ring have seemingly made peace while Guetta, Anne-Marie and Leray continue their head bobbing elsewhere: in the car. A vehicle that we’re made certain to clock as being a Lyft (thanks to strategic brand name placement). And if, somehow, they all happen to be Lyft drivers (or it’s just Leray, which somehow feels racist), it would be in keeping with the Butabi brothers’ way of life: “projecting” style only right before entering the club…while actually living at home with their parents and barely able to function in the daylight hours that solely condone “rational” behavior.

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    Genna Rivieccio

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