The man whose life inspired the film Sound Of Freedom about fighting child sex trafficking has reportedly stepped away from his watchdog organization after an internal investigation into sexual misconduct allegations brought by seven women. What do you think?
“Oh, so being anti-child trafficking isn’t good enough? Now he has to be against every form of sex crime?”
Kyle McEnerney, Jetpack Engineer
Perfect 4.0 Student Rejected From University Just For Being White Rapist
“If that were true, I’m sure it would’ve been in the movie.”
Cathy Scollins, Truce Coordinator
“I highly doubt he’d do that after all those fictional children he saved.”
“Okay, so I’m going to say, ‘Where’s the evidence,’ and then you’re going to present some evidence, and then I’m going to say, ‘Innocent until proven guilty!’ and then you’re going to explain that only applies directly to criminal trials, and then I’m just going to make a violent threat against you.”
NEW YORK—As part of an effort to take a more public approach to addressing an issue that has plagued the league in recent years, the NFL introduced touching flyover tributes this week for all veterans of domestic violence. “We know that our fans and the rest of the NFL community look to us for leadership, and we believe these flyovers are the best way to honor the victims and perpetrators of domestic violence,” said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, adding that the league was pleased with the half-dozen spectacles in which supersonic jets flew over stadiums while planes with banners reading “The NFL Stands with Rape Victims and Rapists” circled in the air. “Many of our players have been involved in domestic disputes that have led to violence, and we believe we should honor that. Many of these families have dealt with domestic violence over and over again, and they deserve some recognition after their years of service to a part of the league that we hold near and dear to our hearts.” The NFL added that it would also begin airing commercials during games featuring former players, as well as victims of sexual assault, speaking out against and also for domestic violence.
“The movie was fine, but it didn’t feature nearly enough discussion of the immense suffering caused by people who throw horseshoes at bars and hit someone in the head, giving them a concussion and making them spill their beer all over themselves. This happened to me, and it could happen to you.”
SARASOTA, FL—Gasping with joy as his father revealed the graduation gift, local wealthy child Scott Hoffman thanked his parents Tuesday after they surprised him with a judge who would let him off the hook for future rape accusations. “Oh man, this is the best present ever—thank you, thank you, thank you Mom and Dad!” said an elated Hoffman, who jumped up and down, sprinted out the door of his house, and immediately began inspecting the 76-year-old state court judge who would ensure that multiple sexual assault accusations against him were dropped . “Please, please, please, can I take him for a spin? I promise I’ll be careful when I use him to get around the legal system. This is so perfect for my first year of college. Everyone’s going to be so jealous that I got one on the 12th Judicial Circuit. How did you know I wanted one that was white?” At press time, Hoffman had been grounded by his parents after he refused to share the judge with his younger brother, who had been charged with raping several classmates.
Onion Explains: The International State Of Women’s Rights Pt. 2
WASHINGTON—Announcing the decision to end its sex-trafficking investigation into the Republican congressman, the Justice Department stated Friday that it concurred with Rep. Matt Gaetz’s defense that 17-year-olds were pretty much ready to roll. “After two years of pouring over every detail within this highly sensitive case, we have concluded that Mr. Gaetz was correct when he pointed out that come on, at that age, a girl is all but cleared for landing,” said Attorney General Merrick Garland, who added that the women Gaetz is alleged to have paid for sex—at least one of whom was a girl under 18—were mature for their age, and that they were “pretty much fair game” if they wanted to accept cash in exchange for sleeping with a member of Congress. “The Justice Department took this case extremely seriously, and by all accounts, the witnesses and the evidence point to the fact that these girls were definitely old enough to give the green light. If anything, we agree with Gaetz that they’d also have been ready to do that at an even younger age, like 14 or 15. Seriously, just look at them.” Garland went on to announce that any underage woman who came forward to accuse Gaetz of sex-trafficking would face federal charges of being a ho-bag slut.
NEW YORK—Saying the hosts’ personal lives had become a distraction that threatened the program’s journalistic integrity, ABC News president Kimberly Godwin announced Friday that all Good Morning America anchors had been castrated. “At GMA, genitals aren’t what’s important—what’s important is reporting the news,” said Godwin, who confirmed that all on-air talent—including T.J. Holmes, Amy Robach, George Stephanopoulos, Robin Roberts, and Michael Strahan—had undergone either surgical castration to remove their testicles or chemical castration to reduce their libido, depending on their sex. “I want to be clear that this is not about punishing anyone. It’s about professionalism. To preserve our reputation as a news outlet, we must be 100% certain no GMA anchor ever again has sex outside their marriage.” At press time, Godwin had reportedly responded to the casual flirtation of two correspondents by separating them and moving their desks to opposite sides of the newsroom.
