Tag: types

This is the kind of guy you want to take home to your mother. Sure, the sex is only okay, but what does that matter when you wake up every morning to homemade pancakes? This isn’t the type of guy you fantasize about f**king on the kitchen floor, this is the kind of guy whose eyes you picture filling with tears when you buy your first home together. He’s not exactly a daddy, but he would make a great literal daddy.

“Church Boy” Hot

Example: Tom Holland

Something about this guy’s small-town haircut and innocent, sunny smile makes you want to corrupt the sh*t out of him. He always looks a little shocked when you make a dirty joke, but you just know that with some intervention from the devil (you) you’d have that perfectly gelled hair mussed in no time. But also…some small part of you wants to let him make you a better person??? A very small part. Mostly, you just want to ruin his life.

“Rearrange My Guts” Hot

Example: Jason Momoa

You don’t want this guy to take you to a nice dinner at a trendy restaurant—you want him to eat take-out off your ass and throw you around like a rag doll. Sure, he probably has thoughts in his head and a personality and interests and blah blah blah LOOK AT THOSE ARMS. This is the kind of guy you want to spend 72 hours in bed with every 4-6 months but otherwise never see. This is the kind of guy you agree to go camping with despite hating the outdoors because you just love watching him pitch a tent (yes, that was a double entendre, you filthy minx).

“Got Your Teenage Sister Pregnant, but You Kind of Get It” Hot

Example: LaKeith Stanfield

Okay, not literally!!! (maybe literally). But you know that kind of smarmy guy who works at the gas station and says borderline-inappropriate things to you every time you see him? But for some reason, you just can’t summon feminist rage about it and instead sorta giggle and blush and wonder what his tobacco-stained fingers would feel like pulling your hair? Yeah, that guy. He’s a good-for-nothing, uneducated, creepy, grungy, loser…and that kind of works for you.

“You Knew He Would Be Weird in Bed” Hot

Example: Evan Mock

So he’s super hot in all the traditional ways, from facial structure to swagger, but there’s also something a little…extra. Something about him that’s…unhinged. Some kind of mad twinkle in his eye that speaks of unexplored multitudes. In most cases, those multitudes are just daddy issues and a preference for foot stuff, but the joy is in the journey of finding out.

“Burnout” Hot

Example: Jeremy Allen White

He’s not a bad-looking guy. Just a little limp-looking, with features that start seeming weird if you stare too long. But there’s something about him. The tattoos? The nicotine addiction? The greasy hair? Somehow, it’s working.

“In Context” Hot (e.g. like a high school women’s lacrosse coach)

Example: Nathan Fielder

In most situations, this guy isn’t going to turn many heads. But put him on a public school field with 23 hormone-ridden 16-year-olds running laps, and you’ve got yourself an absolute sex magnet. Alternatively, put him in a political race populated by old, saggy, white people, and suddenly his ability to tuck in his shirt over his gut seems exceptional.

“Ugly” Hot

Example: Pete Davidson

This is a broad but important category that this reputable publication has dwelled on seriously for quite some time. An ugly hot guy has an appearance that falls outside the boundaries of conventional attractiveness. Maybe he has a weird horse face or limbs that flail like a carwash’s inflatable man in heavy wind (think Pete Davidson). But if you take all of his objectively unattractive features and put them together, somehow, it just works.

“Ascot/Take Me on a Yacht” Hot

Example: Henry Golding

This is better than just being rich—it’s looking rich. This is ascot hot. This guy’s actual God-given looks are largely irrelevant because money made him his own God. He has the money and time to ensure his hair, skin, and clothes are flawless in a “Who me? I just rolled out of bed like this…” kind of way. If this is your type, it’s fine, we get it.

“Ready To Risk It All” Hot

Example: Michael B Jordan

This is the kind of hot you leave your husband for. This is the kind of hot you leave your wife for. This is the kind of hot you sell your house for. This is the kind of hot you pretend to like his DJ set for. Is the sex good? It literally doesn’t matter, just look at him.

“Party Boy” Hot

Example: Machine Gun Kelly

Does he have a substance abuse problem? Probably. Is he reliable? Not at all. Do any of his values align with yours? Absolutely not. Is he a great f**king time? Oh yeah. This guy probably has one of those annoyingly hot side smiles, maybe a kind of hard-to-understand accent, and the sex is probably kind of like being mauled by a drunk bear but in a good way. He probably has an earring he doesn’t remember getting but kind of pulls it off. It goes without saying that your Dad hates him.

“Baby” Hot

Example: Timothée Chalamet

This is a complicated category. He makes your uterus ache, but you can’t tell if that’s sexual arousal or your biological clock ticking. You can’t decide if you want to take a bath with him or give him a bath. Either way, you definitely wanna smooch that sweet lil face.

“Retro” Hot

Example: Aaron Taylor Johnson

Something about him screams “traditional values.” Not in a scary, baby-Don’t Worry Darling way. More in a Ready For Marriage kind of way. And honestly … if he wanted a trad-wife, I’d be a trad-wife.

“Artist/Vegan” Hot

Example: Jaden Smith

He is comfortable with his feminine side, and he wants you to know it. You wanna argue with him about the fallacy of placing the responsibility for climate change on the shoulders of individuals when a handful of corporations are ultimately responsible—but he has those puppy dog eyes, so you just give in and agree to give up plastic straws. His slam poetry competitions are cringe-worthy, but he just looks so good in ripped Levi’s and a beanie.

“Wouldn’t Be Surprised if He Turned Out to Be a Serial Killer” Hot

Example: Robert Pattinson

He speaks, acts, and behaves like a robot who has heard about the behavior of human beings but never actually seen it. There’s something magnetic about his strangeness, and suddenly the legacy of Ted Bundy makes sense to you. Everything about him is subtly unsettling, but personality disorders aside….he could get it.

“Prettier Than You” Hot

Example: Josh Heuston

He paints his nails, has a skincare routine, and posts thirst traps on Instagram. He doesn’t have a job, but he has thousands of followers on TikTok so he’s working on monetizing social media. Which makes all his hair products a business expense, I guess? Whatever, it’s worth it when he takes his shirt off.

“Stoner” Hot

Example: Donald Glover

He only chuckles at your jokes but cries laughing when his gamer buddy says something about farts. He always needs a haircut, has stains on his shirt, and probably smells faintly of Doritos. Still, something about his anti-establishment, “being handsome is mainstream” attitude does it for you.

“Garbage” Hot

Example: Jack Harlow

This one comes with a lot of justified self-loathing. Just do better.