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Tag: Turning Towards

  • Bid Busters: Ways You Unintentionally Turn Away from Connection

    Bid Busters: Ways You Unintentionally Turn Away from Connection

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    Small things often. If you follow The Gottman Institute, you’ve heard this and hopefully committed it to memory.  Although grand gestures are nice, the particles of your day-to-day interactions maintain positive feelings and regard for the ones you love. 

    The Gottmans taught us that bids are the building blocks of healthy relationships. They are those meaningful daily endeavors when you invite your partner into your world and ask to enter theirs.  Bids help you to connect and differentiate your familial relationships from those that you have with strangers at the market and the post office.  Bids deepen your relationship.

    The absence of bids leads to emotional disengagement, loneliness, and in many cases either break-up or unhappiness.  No one typically sets out to turn away from their loved ones’ bids. You certainly don’t want to turn against by rejecting bids outright, but it happens often.  

    Cell phones, books, laptops, naps, current events, stress… There is always something else to do or something else that captures your attention. But like most things, you have a choice.  Do you continue to scroll through social media or watch your favorite reality TV villain?  If you do, you are at risk of being crowned as a “bid busters.”

    You may miss the important interactions that are occurring right in front of you. Displaying the inattention that leaves your loved ones feeling ignored or rejected when they are vying to be the apple of your eye? That is busting their bid. Repeatedly being ignored or rejected when they try to connect with you by sharing a story, a touch, or a laugh will lead the bidding to stop. 

    Busting bids puts you on the road to detachment, distance, and even destruction.  Ask yourself, are you busting bids? Are you hurting those who you want to love and want to love you?

    It takes a great deal of vulnerability to say, “Hey, look at me, I need you.” So, the ask is typically more subtle.  A text here, a pout there, a long sigh, all ways of reaching out with a yearning for you to turn toward them.

    What do you do in those moments? Here’s a personal example. Raising boys that are 11 and 12 revealed that they can talk for hours about Roblox, Anime, or the latest Marvel movie, none of which interest me in the least.  I can honestly think of 1000 things that would capture my attention more.   Being a psychologist, of course, I want to talk about their feelings, how they see their future, and their take on the politics of the country. According to me, that’s the good stuff, the stuff that stellar mother-son relationships are made of. But is that me turning towards them, or am I always forcing them to turn towards me?

    It’s easy to pay attention to the things that interest you, but you have the opportunity to show more love when you step out of your box. So now I can proudly say that I know more about Legendary Dragon Fruit, One Piece, and the Avengers than I thought possible.  I learned that it’s the connection that matters, not so much the subject. 

    This also applies to my relationship with my husband.  He can talk for days about computer hacking, C++, cybersecurity, and app development.  Meanwhile, I’m just trying to make sure that I don’t accidentally share my Google Doc folder with the world.  Technology is not my interest, but as I turn towards him, he has begun to also be intentional about turning toward me.  Because of this, our relationship grows richer every day.   

    Attention, intention, interest, and curiosity are the antidotes to bid busters.  Practicing this will make all the difference in your relationships.  If you mind it, it matters.  Mind your relationships and watch them bloom.   

    The Gottman Relationship Adviser takes the guesswork out of improving your relationship. Measure your relationship health with a research-based self-assessment, then receive a tailored digital plan proven to heal and strengthen your connection.

    The Marriage Minute is an email newsletter from The Gottman Institute that will improve your marriage in 60 seconds or less. More than 40 years of research with thousands of couples proves a simple fact: small things often can create big changes over time. Got a minute? Sign up below.

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    Satira Streeter

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  • The Secret Ingredient to a Thriving Relationship: Turning Towards Each Other

    The Secret Ingredient to a Thriving Relationship: Turning Towards Each Other

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    As I’m writing this, my wife asks “Do you want to come try this?” referring to a new meal she just
    made.

    Do I really need to get up and try this now? I think to myself. After all, I’m writing for The
    Gottman Institute.

    Here’s what Drs. John and Julie Gottman say about these moments in their latest book Fight
    Right, “what we saw in the Love Lab, with our three thousand couples, is that [these moments]
    mattered—a lot.”

    It’s what we do in these moments that carry the most weight for relationship satisfaction. Dr.
    Carrie Cole’s research concluded that “turning towards” our partner’s bids for connection – like
    the invitation to try a new meal – is the biggest factor to a happy relationship, making up for
    65% of why married couples feel satisfied with each other.

    Gottman’s research validates this: Happy couples turned toward their partners 86% of the
    time—like pausing work to share a laugh over a meme. While unhappy couples only turned
    toward 33%.

    If you want to improve the quality of your relationship, these seemingly insignificant moments,
    such as the one with my wife, are important to turn towards.

    Better Relationships Begin with Turning Towards:

    If you want a better relationship, including healthier conflict, you need to be intentional about
    cueing into your partner’s bids for attention as well as being direct about yours.

    Here’s why turning towards these seemingly insignificant moments matter:

    When bids for connection are turned towards, it deposits a connection coin in what Drs. John
    and Julie Gottman call the “emotion bank account.” Attentively responding to both clear and
    nuanced bids, including those expressed during challenging moments, acts as incremental
    investments in your relationships’ emotional reservoir.

    For instance, When your partner lets out a frustrated sigh while dealing with household chores,
    recognizing this as a bid for connection allows you to respond constructively—perhaps by
    offering help or a listening ear to their overwhelm—transforming that moment of tension into an
    opportunity for support and understanding, thereby making a positive deposit into your
    emotional bank account. Consistent deposits, build a robust wealth of goodwill, grace, and a sense of togetherness.

    These small moments build trust. And in conflict, each partner is asking questions such as:

    1. Do you have my best interest in mind?
    2. Can I trust that I matter to you?
    3. Can I trust that we are in this together, even when we disagree?

    Couples who have a wealth of goodwill, connection, and affection can withdraw on those positive feelings in moments of conflict, regardless of the topic.

    This sense of trust helps both partners be softer in their startups, seek to understand their
    partner, repair quicker, as well as act more collaboratively when conflict arises because each
    partner feels seen and cared for.

    Low Emotional Bank Account

    Couples who neglect these bids by turning away or against have little to no money in
    their emotional bank account. This sets the couple up for nastier conflict because neither
    partner is feeling connected or cared for.

    This low bank account leads us to treat each other like enemies, rather than intimate allies.

    Here are some of the risks of a depleted emotional bank account:

    • We misinterpret each other and go with our interpretations rather than checking them out. He didn’t pick up the correct items at the grocery store because he doesn’t listen. He clearly doesn’t care about me. Guess how I’ll treat my partner if this is how I think about them?
    • We assume the worst intentions and develop a negative sentiment override which causes us to see our partners actions in a negative light, rather than giving them the benefit of the doubt. “You always do this. You don’t respect me. You stayed late at work on purpose.” We are not considering all the context that may have influenced our partner to be late.
    • We use harsher startups and the infamous Four Horsemen (criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling) during conflict to try to get our needs met. “You never do your share around here. You’re so selfish. I’m doing everything myself.”

    This low bank account inadvertently sabotages our relationship because we use harsh tactics to
    get our needs met which reinforces negativity in the relationship, leading to failed repairs
    attempts, and less bids for connection getting turned towards in the future. This sets up the
    relationship to get into what Drs. John and Julie Gottman call the Negative Absorbing Markov
    State:

    The more bids are ignored or missed, the more we lose trust and view each other as the
    problem, rather than teaming up against the challenge the relationship is facing, including
    feeling disconnected.

    This is why it’s so important to turn towards each other. The more we are intentional about
    turning towards each other, even in the seemingly insignificant moments, the healthier our
    relationship and conflict becomes.

    The Emotional Bank Account Audit:

    Take a moment and evaluate how emotionally connected you feel with your partner today by
    answering these questions.

    Choose the option that best describes your feelings:

    Looking Forward to Time Together?
    ● I’m eager to spend time with my partner.
    ● I’m not looking forward to spending time with my partner.

    Shared Humor and Fun
    ● When we’re together, laughter and fun are common.
    ● Our time together lacks laughter and fun.

    Awareness of Each Other’s Lives
    ● I’m in tune with what my partner is currently experiencing and feeling.
    ● I’m unsure about my partner’s current experiences and feelings.

    Gratitude for Partner’s Presence
    ● I feel grateful when I see my partner and appreciate their contributions.
    ● I don’t feel a sense of gratitude towards my partner’s presence or contributions.

    Sense of We-ness
    ● I wake up feeling united and supported by my partner, regardless of our
    schedules.
    ● I wake up feeling alone and unsupported.

    If you find yourself selecting the second bullet point more often then the first, then it’s time to
    work on noticing your partner’s bids for connection and turn towards them. The more you do
    that for them, it increases the chances they will also start to do the same with you.

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    Kyle Benson

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