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Tag: toxic relationships

  • Heaven Knows What: The Rihanna and Lana Del Rey of Movies

    Heaven Knows What: The Rihanna and Lana Del Rey of Movies

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    In 2011, Rihanna released the music video for “We Found Love.” Directed by Melina Matsoukas, its central focus is Rihanna in the role of a drug-addicted “mischief-maker,” crazy in love with the “Clyde” of the duo, played by Dudley O’Shaughnessy. It was made instantly immortal for its indelible images of Rihanna and O’Shaughnessy in a bathtub together, at a skate park together, in a field together (Rihanna running topless through it caused quite the stir in County Down), at a fish and chips restaurant acting fools together and, of course, doing donuts in a car together. All throughout the video, the interspersed images of pills falling, eyes dilating and explosions in the sky are intended to mirror the effects of a drug-addled mind—and how such a mind can also suffer the effects of being addicted to the drug called love (as Kesha once said, “Your love is my drug”).

    Rihanna’s relationship intensity being fueled by the cocktail of drugs and abuse speaks to the common intertwinement of both when it comes to a woman staying in such a harmful (on every level) situation. It truly is addictive, this state of masochistic “pleasure-pain.” And that’s why the video’s opening narration from Agyness Deyn is so honest and affecting as she says, “It’s like you’re screaming, and no one can hear. You almost feel ashamed that someone could be that important. That without them, you feel like nothing. No one will ever understand how much it hurts. You feel hopeless; like nothing can save you. And when it’s over, and it’s gone, you almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back. So that you could have the good.” This much applies to Harley Boggs (Arielle Holmes), a homeless heroin addict flitting from place to place in New York City. Once upon a time, she did so with her beloved, Ilya (Caleb Landry Jones), but at the beginning of the Safdie brothers’ Heaven Knows What (based on Holmes’ memoir Mad Love in New York City), she has been forsaken by him as a result of her “catting around.” More than likely in exchange for a much-needed dose of smack. This occurs after the somehow stressful (it’s always stressful with the Safdie brothers) opening scene of the two making out passionately on the ground as though they’re in the privacy of a bedroom instead of in a very public place. But then, there’s no such thing as “dignity” when you’re addicted to heroin…or love.

    Moments later, a scene of Harley sobbing outside the library reveals that the dynamic has shifted—and Ilya has cut her off from his supply of love. So it is that the Romeo and Juliet nature (in all its desperate and dramatic flair) of the narrative takes hold, with Harley telling Ilya that she’ll prove her love for him by going to the great length of killing herself as a means to assure his forgiveness. Cold and unmoved by her earnest pleas for him to absolve her, Harley sets about procuring a razor blade by panhandling for the money as the voiceover of her reading a goodbye note to Ilya explains, “Ilya dearest, I need you to know that I love you, baby. And I need you to know how sorry I am. Really. I never wanted to die. I don’t know what will become of you now, and I won’t ever know if you’ll really forgive me. I’ll always love you, even in death, and I’m so sorry that things had to come to this. Love forever, Harley.” It’s that last tortured “love forever” in particular that reminds one of something out of a Lana Del Rey song, with the oft-melodramatic singer promising such things as, “I love you the first time/I love you the last time/‘Cause I’m your jazz singer/And you’re my cult leader/I love you forever, I love you forever.” Yes, it sounds a lot like something born out of Harley’s mind as well. And, appropriately enough, both Ultraviolence and Heaven Knows What were released the same year: 2014.

    It was the title track from Del Rey’s sophomore album that also vowed, “I will do anything for you, babe/Blessed is this union/Crying tears of gold like lemonade.” It bears a similar lack of self-respect to what Harley would (and does) say to Ilya, who patently treats her like shit. Worse still, knowing he can do just that and she’ll still come crawling back for more. It is this type of “love” that is so often romanticized in film and, yes, pop songs. Going as far back as the Shangri-Las (straight out of the very decade Del Rey so often culls from for her own lyrical landscapes), the “brooding” “bad boy” dissected in such ditties is often not worth dissecting at all—because he’s just an asshole, full-stop. No further analysis required. But to someone as young and impressionable as Harley, who got into the heroin “scene” because of Ilya to begin with (sounds a lot like Amy Winehouse with Blake Fielder-Civil, don’t it?), there is a litany of “viable” excuses for such behavior. “He’s really sensitive on the inside” or “He’s so brilliant and misunderstood,” etc., etc. Holmes herself met the real Ilya when she was in her teenage years, trying heroin for the first time with him when she was seventeen (“only seventeen/But she walks the streets so mean,” as Lana would describe).

    Despite the abyssal spiral Harley falls down because of her dependency on both heroin and Ilya’s love, she echoes the Del Reyian sentiment, “And I love your women and all of your heroin,” as well as, “Creeping around while he gets high, it might not be something you would do” or even, “It hurts to love you/But I still love you.” But where Heaven Knows What is meant to be an unglamorous portrait of life as a drug-addicted lovefool, Del Rey’s purpose in her music often feels like the opposite, with the singer herself even illustriously remarking on how she’s been accused of “glamorizing abuse,” namely in romantic relationships. As for her romanticization of drugs and “the lifestyle,” Del Rey even has a song called “Heroin,” from her 2017 album, Lust for Life. Speaking to her version of Ilya, an ex named Rob Dubuss, Del Rey laments, “I’m flying to the moon again/Dreaming about heroin/How it gave you everything/And took your life away.” The same can be said of Ilya, who overdoses in real life and in the movie iteration of events.

    After Harley takes up with another, more “put-together” addict named Mike (Buddy Duress), he ends up getting into an altercation with Ilya in the park. Ilya plays dirty in the fight (by throwing a makeshift morningstar crafted out of several razor blades into Mike’s hand), and, in the wake, Mike nurses his wound in an ATM vestibule with Harley. It’s there that he asks her, “You still love him though right?” “Of course,” Harley says without hesitation. Looking at her like she’s a pathetic madwoman, she continues, “I know he does fucked-up things, all right? It doesn’t matter what he does… I can’t help that I love him.” Some say that’s the very definition of love—being able to look past all the horrid aspects of a person (e.g., Eva Braun with Hitler). And, thanks to how magical it’s all made to seem despite the torture in movies and literature, that’s what many non-fictional characters believe, too.

    Mike persists in poking a hole in Harley’s so-called love for Ilya by demanding, “You think you’re gonna be in love with him forever?” She says with certainty, “I know I will be.” Again, this channels the Del Reyian panache of a song like “Blue Jeans,” wherein she declares, “I will love you till the end of time/Probably a million years.” For a brief moment in the third act of Heaven Knows What, we think maybe Harley might get her wish for a love that lasts “till the end of time” as she rejoins with Ilya and the two buy bus tickets bound for Florida (it’s always Florida with New Yorkers). Naturally, Ilya feels obliged to break up the happy reunion for no reason other than a whim (likely based on needing to shoot up without sharing). So it is that he talks the driver into letting him off the bus, leaving Harley behind without a second thought. In many respects, the portion of the film that ensues reminds one of Susan Seidelman’s Smithereens, with the similarly street-bound Wren (Susan Berman) finding herself walking along a highway, of sorts (read: the George Washington Bridge), totally lost as to what to do next without the man she had briefly secured in her life. Along the route, a lecherous driver keeps hounding Wren to get in the car, finally clinching the “proposition” with, “Got a better place to spend your time?” Wren looks back at that moment with a look of recognition on her face, as though it’s suddenly dawned on her that, no, she doesn’t.

    A comparable look appears on Harley’s face when she finds herself back at a Dunkin’ Donuts sitting amid Mike and his cronies, the former regaling them with some bullshit story. The question Mike had demanded of her previously in the ATM vestibule then comes to mind: “You just wanna be his woman your whole life? Don’t you wanna be your own person?” In the end, that’s what Holmes had to become in order to save herself from the same fate as Ilya’s. As for what became of Harley, it seems she reached that exploding point in her relationship manifested by the conclusion to “We Found Love.” Only to lose it almost as quickly as it arrived. But as it is said, “Easy come…painful as fuck go.”

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    Genna Rivieccio

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  • Your Zodiac Sign’s Love Language, From An Astrologer

    Your Zodiac Sign’s Love Language, From An Astrologer

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    When water signs fall, all that joy (and pain) will last them several lifetimes. They generally require a formal commitment and emotional security and see marriage as a sanctity that will save them from loneliness and bring them stability. Even within a long-term relationship, they don’t often speak of their emotions; they expect their partner to automatically know what’s going on. Scorpios in particular communicate via intuition and feelings and expect everyone else to do the same. Feelings are their love language, so take care of them.

    Not Flowing Well: Water signs have such high expectations, it can be hard to meet them. There always seems to be something that “just doesn’t feel right.” Because of that, they can remain stuck in the past and hold grudges like no other sign, not realizing we are solely responsible for our own happiness, for better or for worse, and no one else is to blame when things go awry. Water signs can be defensive and prone to overreacting if they are insecure, when they are tired, or if someone pushes their buttons. All water signs change moods on a regular basis. Try to avoid taking it personally, or you will be in for a rocky ride. Shrug it off, and soon enough, a smile will spread over their face as they sheepishly reach out to hold you and make amends. Don’t expect a “sorry” or a meaningful conversation, though. They expect you to know it had nothing to do with you personally and they didn’t mean it.

    Flowing Well: Water signs are among the best caretakers of their partners and families. If they have a sense of humor, and most do, their playfulness and sense of fun are second to none. They appreciate the small gestures, so your efforts won’t go unnoticed. They can be shy at first, which is intriguing to most other signs, but then allow you into the gentle, creative, and loving beings they are.

    Adapted from an excerpt from THE SIGNS IN LOVE Copyright © 2023 by Carolyne Faulkner. Published by Avery, an imprint of Penguin Random House LLC. Reproduced by arrangement with the publisher. All rights reserved.

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    Carolyne Faulkner

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  • Is My Boyfriend Cheating? 9 Early Signs + What To Do Next

    Is My Boyfriend Cheating? 9 Early Signs + What To Do Next

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    Perhaps there was a time in your relationship when they would have dropped anything to be with you. Now, they almost seem uninterested in your life and more involved in their routine and schedule. When you ask them out to hang with your friends or see your family, they may shrug you off as they prioritize their own life, friendships, and career. Their attitude has changed, and it’s impacting the relationship. You feel like they’re too busy for you, which may leave you feeling needy and insecure. 

    It could be a positive sign that your boyfriend is nurturing an interdependent life within the relationship, but be wary if they’re leaning into their own thing without including you in the conversation. If they’re making room for their own life, work, friends, self-care rituals, goals, and new hobbies without you, the decreased desire for connection may be a sign of infidelity and that someone else may be in the picture. 

    Studies2 show there are a huge variety of reasons men cheat: While sometimes it’s simply about craving variety and having an opportunity presenting itself, oftentimes infidelity is a symptom of a bigger problem in the primary relationship, such as feeling a lack of emotional or physical connection, lingering anger at your partner, or a core incompatibility.

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    Julie Nguyen

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  • PTSD Haunted Me For Decades — How I Began Healing

    PTSD Haunted Me For Decades — How I Began Healing

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    Previously a straight-A student taking honors and AP courses, I suddenly started failing classes because I couldn’t focus. The flashbacks were so disruptive, I’d completely space out in class or would start writing in my journal just to stay grounded. Of course, my teachers noticed. 

    My relationships suffered too. At first, I withdrew from friends, unsure of how to interact with people when my perception of reality felt so split between flashbacks and actual life. I was also in a new romantic relationship at the time my PTSD was setting in, and I found the flashbacks were even worse when I tried to be intimate with someone. For several years, I would have the experience of suddenly coming to with a partner looking down at me with their brow furrowed, or to a gentle tap on the shoulder, a confused and concerned embrace. 

    “Hey, where did you go?” 

    After a few months (and some classroom adjustments) I was able to concentrate better in school. I became incredibly fixated on getting good grades and earning a scholarship so I could get away from my hometown. I never wanted to feel like that girl being asked why her grades were slipping ever again. I felt like I had something to prove—that even with my PTSD, I could be successful instead of curling up in bed and crying like I sometimes wanted to, even though no one knew. I held myself to a really high standard. 

    On some level, I’d been a high achiever my entire life, but now there was this little blue ball of fire in my gut that never went out. Looking back, I’m relieved I never sought solace in drugs or alcohol, but I can recognize now that I developed an addiction of sorts to work. Work gave me something to focus on. If I was constantly moving, there was no room for intrusive trauma thoughts.

    During times when I was feeling insecure and inferior because of my past or was experiencing what I call a PTSD flare-up, I would push myself—often to the point of burnout. Logically, I knew that breaks were important, but after so many years of living in a fight-or-flight state, I found I didn’t know how to relax

    My trauma definitely affected my dating life—directly and indirectly. I was always worried about being “too much” or “not enough.” I also had a tendency to go out with guys who treated me poorly or who were emotionally unavailable. I tried on the personas of the “Cool Girl” and the “Tough Girl” and the “Girl Who’s Not Looking For Anything Serious,” but eventually I realized they were all just ways I was trying to protect myself. I also used my busy work life as a way to build emotional distance and set boundaries I didn’t feel confident enough to set for myself. 

    Over the years, I occasionally tried to talk about the assaults, but whenever I tested the waters, I would almost always be met with the question, “Were you drunk?”

    While that answer was no, what if I had been? Or was it somehow worse than I’d been totally sober and therefore more responsible for not preventing it?  

    Though it would take me a long time to find the words for it, I harbored a lot of anger towards myself: for not knowing better, for not being able to stop the assaults, and later, for my mind and body for not working properly under stress. I became so frustrated at the way I would just shut down when triggered, or if I didn’t shut down, I’d have a meltdown over something seemingly small and feel unable to express it to anyone else.

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    Jessica Cording, M.S., R.D., CDN

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  • Why Leos Should Watch Our For Relationship Issues In 2023

    Why Leos Should Watch Our For Relationship Issues In 2023

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    While this may not be the easiest year for your relationships, Leo, that doesn’t mean it all has to be doom and gloom. As the twins explain, those aforementioned issues around power, trust, and control may rear their heads—but sorting through these issues before leaping into binding relationships will save your time, energy, and heart in the long run.

    “While you’re a mighty force of nature, you can’t do other people’s emotional work for them,” the twins write, adding that instead of micromanaging, “focus on your own interests—cultivate a new hobby, start a podcast, or draft a few chapters of your memoir.”

    And during Venus retrograde this summer especially, they emphasize the importance of taking things slow. “Confusion may not dissipate until after October 8, so go easy on yourself—and everyone around you,” the twins say.

    The good news is, where your love life may run up against some difficulty, other areas of your life can thrive this year. Namely, according to the twins, Leo is going to see the most luck on the career and travel front. So if dating and relationships are making you want to bury your head in the sand, consider it an opportunity to focus on your career or take an epic solo vacation.

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    Sarah Regan

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  • Is It Normal To Be Unhappy In A Relationship Sometimes?

    Is It Normal To Be Unhappy In A Relationship Sometimes?

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    Now, none of this is to say unhappiness in a relationship should be an accepted status quo, nor should unhappiness be allowed to fester or be left unchecked.

    The whole point of being in a relationship is adding joy, camaraderie, and support to each other’s lives—and so when that isn’t happening, it’s important to figure out why and how to get back to that happy place if possible. If not, it’s important to give yourself the freedom to walk away.

    The question is, how do you know if a period of unhappiness is just part of the natural ebbs and flows of a relationship or if the relationship is truly not working?

    “If your partner consistently won’t come to the table to work things out so you can both be happy, if they diminish your concerns, if they shame you, if they always turn it back on you, if they show no sign of care and concern for your well-being, that is not a situation where you can likely get what you need,” says Zimmerman.

    She recommends starting off with having an open conversation with your partner about how you’re feeling and what’s not working for you, sharing your concerns without blame and with an earnest desire to listen and problem-solve together. From there, you can identify what changes you both are willing to commit to and observe whether things change after time with that mutual effort—or, as Zimmerman notes, if one person proves to be unwilling or unable to do their part.

    “Don’t make this decision after one conversation, but if you cannot get their attention over time, it’s a problem,” she says, adding, “And before you end the relationship, it’s worth making sure you’ve done everything well on your side of the court. That you have expressed yourself well, without attacking your partner. That you’ve tried repeatedly to express your concerns. That you’re equally interested in your partner’s happiness.”

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    Kelly Gonsalves

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