Tag: Toxic relationship

13 Red Flags When Dating An Older Man | Don’t Ignore These
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As someone who has always fancied the idea of an older partner, trust me when I say I get the appeal. The maturity, the slight brooding, worldly wise vibe, the confidence, and, oh, that salt-pepper hair. Older men have a lot going for them that can make any woman weak in the knees. However, there are two sides to every coin. You mustn’t let the charm and enigma blind you to the red flags when dating an older man.

Older men have flaws, quirks, and shortcomings like any other human being. Add to the mix the emotional baggage or even unresolved trauma from the past, and dating older men can mean setting yourself up for complications. This is not to say that you shouldn’t pursue a romantic connection just because there’s a significant age gap.

However, it’s equally important not to place the man you’re dating on a pedestal just because he is older and wiser, as it may lead to you ignoring red flags early on and then finding yourself embroiled in a complicated relationship. If you’re already too emotionally invested by then, breaking free can mean putting yourself through the pain of heartbreak. To make sure that doesn’t happen, I’ve put together this checklist of red flags in a relationship with a man who is significantly older than you.

13 Red Flags When Dating An Older Man You Shouldn’t Overlook

When you like someone a lot, it’s easy to overlook red flags on a date or even in the early stages of d ating. You see something that bothers you, but you don’t want to ruffle any feathers or spoil a good thing you’ve going on, so you tell yourself it’s not a big deal. If you have to do this often enough when dating an older man, know that you’re dealing with problematic behavior patterns and not just minor irritants that you can simply ignore.

Sooner or later, these relationship red flags will take a toll. Just as they did for Kathy and Mark. Kathy was 28 when she met Mark, 48, through mutual friends. Despite the 20-year age gap, they quickly bonded over shared interests in art and travel. Kathy was attracted to Mark’s confidence, life experience, and the stability he brought to her life. Mark, a successful business owner, appreciated Kathy’s youthful energy and creativity, which he felt was missing in his past relationships.

Sweeping red flags under the rug means setting yourself up for a disastrous relationship

After two years of dating, Kathy began to feel overwhelmed by the red flags she had initially overlooked. The power imbalance, unresolved emotional baggage, lifestyle differences, and Mark’s growing insecurities made her question whether the relationship was sustainable. Despite loving Mark, she realized that their age gap created fundamental incompatibilities. After much reflection, Kathy decided to end the relationship. The breakup was difficult, and she still isn’t ready to let someone else into her life.

To make sure you don’t have to suffer similar consequences of dating an older man, you need to go in with your ears and eyes wide open. Be watchful of these 13 red flags when dating an older man:

1. Control issues

One of the oft-reported issues with dating older men is that they tend to exert control in the relationship, using their age or experience to make decisions on your behalf, limiting your independence. However, just because the person you’re dating is older does not mean that you should hand over the reins of your life to him nor should he expect you to.

If you’ve noticed that your man says things like, “Just trust me, I only want what’s best for you,” “I’ve been where you are, so I know exactly what you should do,” or “Don’t worry about it, I took care of it for you,” to deny you your agency, it’s one of the red flags you should ignore. Explaining why a need for control is dangerous, psychiatrist Dr. Laura Dabney says, “Control in relationships often stems from insecurities. It’s important to maintain autonomy while building a healthy connection.”

Related Reading: 11 Red Flags When Dating In Your 60s | DON’T Ignore These

2. Emotional baggage

Another one of the red flags when dating an older man is the unresolved emotional baggage from their past relationships, including divorces or strained family ties, that can impact the new relationship. My uncle, Greg, reconnected with an old flame after his divorce, and soon enough, they started dating again. However, the impact of toxicity from his marriage ran so deep that he never could let his guard down and be 100% present in the connection.

At 50, his girlfriend, Linda, had little patience for mind games and putting up with dating a divorced man red flags, so she called it quits. Uncle Greg is still licking his wounds. Talking about how it’s not uncommon at all when people start dating at an older age, clinical psychologist Dr. Carla Manly says, “Unresolved emotional issues can affect the way someone relates to you. It’s crucial to understand how this baggage influences their ability to form healthy attachments.”

3. Power imbalance

An age gap can result in skewed power dynamics where the older man holds more influence, whether emotionally, financially, or socially. This can mean,
- Setting rules about who you can or cannot meet
- Not respecting your privacy
- Not compromising
- Disregarding your interests and desires
- Shaming you
All of these behaviors can leave you feeling uncomfortable standing up for yourself and leave you at risk of being manipulated. You see how ignoring red flags can be detrimental not only to the health of the bond you’re trying to establish but also to your mental health and emotional well-being.

“In relationships with a significant age gap, it’s important to establish equal footing to avoid power dynamics that can erode trust and mutual respect”

— Dr. Ramani Durvasula, clinical psychologist

4. Lack of flexibility

One of the red flags on a date with an older man to keep an eye out for is his lack of openness to try new things because it suggests a propensity for rigidity. Psychotherapist Esther Perel says, “A partner’s rigidity can stifle personal growth in a relationship. Flexibility is essential for navigating the evolving dynamics of any partnership.” Older people can be set in their ways, resistant to change, or unwilling to adapt to new ideas. However, when embarking on a new journey with a potential partner, one has to make room for adjustments and compromises.

If the older man you’re dating is unwilling to do that, it can not only be frustrating but also impede the growth of the relationship. There are only so many times you can ignore his refusal to try new things, budge from his schedule, or agree to do something just because you want to before it turns into a sore point in the relationship.

5. Misaligned life goals

Mismatched views on parenting, finances, career can get in the way

This can be one of the unpleasant consequences of dating an older man that is no one’s fault really. Simply because you’re in two different places in life, there is a high probability of misalignment in life goals such as,
- Career aspirations
- Family planning
- Financial choices
- Spiritual outlooks
“Being at different life stages means you may want fundamentally different things, and those differences can widen as time goes on,” says Dr. Terri Orbuch, marriage therapist. If a couple fails to find common ground over these areas of misalignment, it can create conflict over time. The best approach would be to have an open conversation about these subjects when you begin dating an older man so that there is clarity about how far you can make it as a couple.

Related Reading: 15 Examples Of SMART Goals For Relationships And How To Set Them

6. Unwillingness to commit

If you’re looking for a long-term partner to build a life with, a reluctance to commit can be one of the most glaring red flags in a relationship with a man who is older than you. This is a real possibility because older men, having been there and done that, can be wary of committing and emotionally investing in a new partner and may prefer to keep things casual. Psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman says, “Commitment is about shared vision and goals. If someone has been burned before, they may approach new relationships with hesitation or even avoid commitment altogether.”

7. Age-related insecurities

Picture this: It’s Saturday night, and you want to go out and have fun, but the person you’re dating is not on board with the idea because he wants to “turn in early” or “night clubs are too noisy” and he’d much rather stay in and catch up on some reading. You make plans with friends, go out, have a blast, and splash it on your stories.

Your man sees them the next morning and is green with jealousy and throwing a hissy fit because you’re hugging a guy friend in one of the photos. What a dampener, right? But not uncommon age-gap relationships. An older man may be insecure about your interactions with younger men, especially your peers. This can lead to jealousy and controlling behavior.

“Insecurity about age or appearance can fuel unhealthy behaviors in relationships, from jealousy to possessiveness. This can undermine trust.”

— Dr. John Amodeo, psychotherapist

8. Financial control

An older man’s financial stability can be part of his appeal since it translates into greater confidence, ease of living, and a taste for finer things in life. However, it can be a double-edged sword if he starts using his financial resources as a form of control, subtly or overtly. Trying to use money to have his demands or expectations met is one of the red flags when dating an older man you need to be watchful of. This can look like,
- Love bombing you with grand gestures
- Buying expensive gifts to get you to agree to do something you may not want to
- Offering financial support to curtail your freedom. For instance, giving you a car but then controlling where you can go
Psychologist Dr. Susan Krauss Whitbourne explains, “Money can become a tool for control in relationships, especially when there’s a significant financial imbalance. This can lead to dependency and power struggles.”

Related Reading: 15 Examples Of Manipulation In Relationships

9. Cultural or generational gaps

When the age gap is so wide that you and the man you’re dating belong to different generations, finding common ground to connect over can prove to be a challenge, creating a disconnect. This gap can also manifest in differing
- Values
- Communication styles
- Expectations about gender roles
- Perspective on relationships
“Cultural and generational differences are often overlooked, but they can deeply influence how partners connect and understand each other,” says Dr. Gary Chapman, relationship expert and author of The Five Love Languages.

10. Fear of aging alone

You may feel forced to do things you’re not ready for

Some older men may rush into relationships out of fear of aging alone. The consequences of dating an older man in such a situation can include,
- Emotional burnout
- Loss of personal space
- Misaligned relationship goals
- Pressure to fill a void
“The fear of loneliness can drive individuals to settle into relationships that aren’t necessarily based on compatibility, but on filling a gap,” says relationship expert Dr. Harville Hendrix. Naturally, such relationships can be hard to sustain. Even if you go along with your partner’s escalated relationship timeline, the bond is likely to crash and burn if you constantly feel forced to do things you’re not ready for.

11. Past relationship drama

If his past marriages didn’t work out, you also need to keep an eye out for dating a divorced man red flags, which can be as diverse as they come. Some of the possibilities include:
- Lingering resentment
- Unhealthy boundaries with ex
- Ongoing legal, financial, or custody battles
- Commitment issues
“Untangling from past relationships can take time. If someone isn’t fully free emotionally or financially, this baggage can negatively influence new relationships,” says clinical psychologist Dr. Judith Sills. Before you give into the temptation of dating an older man you have the hots for, see to it that there is no drama involving ex-partners, children, or financial obligations because it will invariably impact your dating life.

12. Fear of rejection

Another one of the common red flags in a relationship with a man who is older than you is his constant fear of being rejected, dumped, or abandoned because a part of him cannot shake off the feeling that you’re too good for him. He may fear that his age makes him less desirable to you, leading to:
- Insecurities
- Jealousy
- Attempts to overcompensate
13. Parenting conflicts

If the man you’re with is also a single parent, then there can also be red flags when dating a man with a child to contend with. For instance,
- The dynamics of his co-parenting relationship with his ex can influence your relationship
- Parenting responsibilities may get in the way of your dating life
- There may be conflicts about your involvement in his child’s life
Tips For Dealing With Red Flags When Dating An Older Man

These red flags when dating an older man while concerning, don’t have to mean the end of the road for you and your partner. Provided he, too, acknowledges the underlying issues and is willing to work on them, you can find a way to date successfully and go on to build a fulfilling relationship.

Relationship counselor Dr. Stan Tatkin says, “It’s essential to recognize when differences in age and life stages create incompatible dynamics. While age-gap relationships can work, they require strong communication and mutual respect to bridge these gaps.” With that in mind, let’s look at these 7 easy-to-implement tips on dealing with red flags when dating an older man:

Related Reading: How To Improve Your Relationship: A Therapist Advises

1. Open communication

Ignoring red flags like control issues, emotional baggage, or power imbalances isn’t going to make them magically disappear. So, focus on addressing them early through open and honest conversations. Be upfront about how his behavior makes you feel and establish healthy boundaries. Emphasizing the importance of open communication, clinical psychologist Dr. Sue Johnson says, “Effective communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship. Don’t wait until resentment builds—discuss issues as they arise.”

2. Set clear boundaries

Psychologist Dr. Henry Cloud says, “Setting boundaries shows that you value yourself and your personal space. It is vital to ensure mutual respect in the relationship.” Setting clear boundaries can be especially effective if you’re dealing with power imbalance or control issues when dating an older man. Through boundary-setting, you can make it clear that you value independence and equality in decision-making, whether it’s financial decisions or daily activities.

3. Assess compatibility

If you’re seeking a long-term relationship, you need to assess if you’re compatible with each other

Before you get too emotionally invested, it is important to assess your long-term compatibility given that you and your partner are in different life stages. Discuss your future plans and expectations to determine if you’re on the same page regarding major decisions like career, family, or lifestyle.

Marriage and family therapist Dr. Terri Orbuch says, “Being at different life stages doesn’t mean you’re doomed, but it does require careful discussion about what both of you want and how those desires can evolve.” If you can’t find common ground, it’s best to keep things casual and enjoy each other’s companionship while it lasts and not get too emotionally involved.

4. Nudge your partner out of his cocoon

If your partner is rigid or set in his ways, nudging him out of his cocoon can foster personal growth and adaptability in the relationship. You can do this by,
- Introducing new activities
- Shared hobbies
- Exploring new perspectives together
Psychotherapist Esther Perel says, “Relationships thrive on curiosity and willingness to grow together. Encouraging personal development can breathe new life into an otherwise stagnant relationship.”

Related Reading: How To Balance Independence In A Relationship?

5. Foster independence

Relationship expert Dr. Margaret Paul says, “Maintaining independence in a relationship is crucial for your well-being. It fosters balance, keeps you grounded, and prevents codependency.” Don’t let the excitement of a new relationship overshadow your life. It’s a slippery slope to giving control of your life to your partner. Ensure that you maintain your independence—financially, socially, and emotionally. Having a strong support system and personal interests outside the relationship helps.

6. Address the elephant of emotional baggage

Dealing with emotional baggage is par for the course when dating older men. The extent may vary but it exists. To make sure that this baggage doesn’t loom large over your romantic life, it’s important to address it head-on. One handling a partner with emotional baggage, clinical psychologist Dr. Carla Manly advises, “Unresolved issues from past relationships can become toxic in a new one. Encourage healing, whether through counseling or introspection.”

7. Seek professional guidance

If the red flags persist or you feel overwhelmed, consider seeking relationship counseling to help you and your partner navigate these challenges. A neutral third party can offer insight and guidance that is sometimes difficult to find within the relationship itself. If you’re looking for help, skilled and experienced counselors on Bonobology’s panel are here for you.
Key Pointers

While older men have their charm, they also come with a big load of emotional baggage that can translate into dating red flags

These can include control issues, power imbalance, lack of flexibility, insecurities, jealousy, and drama from past relationships

Ignoring red flags can not only impact your romantic life but also take a toll on your emotional well-being

To address these issues effectively, you must foster open communication, set boundaries, manage expectations realistically, and seek professional help if necessary
Final Thoughts

While red flags can be concerning, they aren’t always deal-breakers. Addressing them with maturity, patience, and honest communication can help resolve underlying issues. However, if the red flags persist, it may be a sign that the relationship is not compatible long-term, and recognizing when to move on is just as important as trying to fix the issues.

Age Difference In Relationships – Does Age Gap Really Matter?

Older Man Younger Woman: 9 Reasons Why Dating With Age Gap Works

Dating An Older Man In Your 20s – 15 Things To Seriously Think About

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October 15, 2024
How To Catch A Cheater That Deletes Everything: 12 Hacks
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Author and poet Michael Bassey Johnson once said, “Cheating only thrills those who cannot see the beauty in faithfulness.” But the reality is, cheating has become too commonplace these days. In fact, a BBC article has clearly pointed out how, in a study, 75% of men and 68% of women have admitted to having cheated on their partners in some way or the other. Finding out infidelity isn’t easy in this digital age where evidence can be removed within seconds. This may leave you wondering how to catch a cheater that deletes everything. Well, we have all the answers.

In this article, we will delve into some red flags that your partner may be cheating on you. We will also offer some actionable tips on how to catch a cheater online and tell you how to confront your cheating partner if you’ve snooped on them.

Red Flags That Your Partner May Be Cheating On You

While getting away with cheating may have become too easy (with the numerous cheating apps that also explain how cheaters hide their tracks), they are bound to leave some trace behind that will lead you to find out their infidelity. Now, we’re not talking about snooping to find out Facebook or Snapchat cheating evidence right away. We are talking about finding out if you need to snoop on them at all.

Related Reading: Marriages And The Rise Of Infidelity

My friend Casey, a 25-year-old teacher, was super-suspicious about her husband’s behavior. When her husband started to stay back at his office till late for work, she assumed he was having an affair. She hired a private investigator, only to find out it was a false alarm and that he really was dealing with an obnoxious client who would schedule meetings at odd hours.

To avoid such situations, you need to know about a few red flags that indicate your partner may be cheating on you, such as these:
- A sudden need for privacy: A huge red flag that your partner is cheating is when they need a lot of privacy all of a sudden. They may start to hide their phone screens, set passwords on their cell phones, or log out of mail every time. How cheaters hide texts tells all about their motives
- They have a new interest: Now, while this may not always be a sign of cheating, it is possible that they may have taken up the interest to impress a potential affair partner. Be it the gym or the piano class, any new interest can be a red flag of cheating
- They over-explain: When a person is cheating on you, they may, in a bid to hide things from you, tend to over-explain. For instance, a simple “Why are you so late?” may elicit detailed answers, where they make up elaborate stories with names of colleagues and the work itself, instead of just saying that they had an important meeting
- They stay away from intimacy: Let alone sex, cheaters often stay away from gentle affectionate gestures, such as holding hands and kissing
- Their finances have gone haywire: Check their bank statements, and you’ll find they are over-spending. A little more scrutiny will show you that there are unexplained expenses at posh restaurants, florists, and gift shops
- They are always glued to their phones/laptops: This is an obvious red flag, in case the person wasn’t always obsessed with their phones/laptops. They may appear to be totally zoned out even when you’re talking to them
Why Do Cheaters Delete Evidence

Now that you know how cheaters hide their tracks, let’s come to why they delete evidence. It is common knowledge that cheaters hide evidence because of the obvious reason: they don’t wish to be caught cheating. But then, is there a deeper psychological reason behind this behavior? It’s possible that cheaters delete evidence so that they don’t have to go through the texts/conversations/proof that reminds them they have cheated. It could be their way of minimizing their guilt.

A study proved that cheaters try to “minimize the significance of their infidelity as a way to cope with knowing they did something wrong.” Perhaps, deleting evidence is their way of deleting the obvious and ignoring the fact that they have cheated or that it’s something grave enough to hurt their partner.

Related Reading: Effects Of An Extramarital Affair On The Partner

12 Hacks On How To Catch A Cheater That Deletes Everything

There are times when you have a gut feeling your partner’s cheating but can’t prove it. A Reddit user had a similar experience: “I have found evidence of deleted text messages but I haven’t been able to find anything else and I need help/advice on figuring out the truth.”

Now, from our article, you know how cheaters hide texts, but you must be wondering how to be certain that they’re in fact cheating on you. With spyware that allows you to snoop and a host of online trails that a cheater leaves behind, it’s not that difficult to catch a cheater red-handed these days. Well then, let’s look at 12 foolproof ideas on how to catch a cheater that deletes everything:

1. Look for secret messages

How do cheaters hide stuff on their phone? They simply embed secret messages/images in random files. If you can gain access to their phone or any other device, look for suspicious audio or image files or text message codes. Read up on apps such as OurSecret, which allow cheaters to hide sensitive files that appear to be harmless. They can only be opened using special keystrokes or codes.

How to look for hidden apps

Related Reading: When To Walk Away After Infidelity: 10 Signs To Know

2. Look for clues in shared accounts

You may be sharing quite a few digital accounts with your partner, such as:
- Online streaming services (e.g., Netflix)
- Internet plans
- Shared cloud storage
- Common mail accounts
- Common social media accounts
Monitor these from time to time for any discrepancy or suspicious activity. This is a wonderful solution if you keep wondering how to catch a cheater that deletes everything.

Cathy, a 36-year-old homemaker from Texas, shares, “My gut feeling told me my husband, Greg, was cheating. I found an obvious red flag when I found that our common mail account that we’d set up for our business was being accessed from Chicago when Greg clearly told me he’d be in New York to meet some clients. That’s how I found out he’d been lying and was clearly cheating on me.”

3. Catch them on social media

How to catch them on social media

You may not have a joint social media account, but that doesn’t mean you can’t catch them cheating. Check their social media accounts for:
- New followers
- New friends
- Strict privacy settings
- A marked change in what and how frequently they post
Reah, a 28-year-old accountant from Minnesota, wrote to us: “My partner, George, used to post on Facebook almost daily. But a couple of months back, I suddenly noticed he had stopped sharing anything at all. I grew suspicious and asked a friend of mine to send him a friend request using a fake account.

Related Reading: Is He Cheating Or Am I Paranoid? 11 Things To Think Over!

“As soon as he added her, I got a call from her, saying she believed George had set his post visibility to a specific group and possibly kept out of it. And she was so right! She sent me screenshots of his latest posts, which I couldn’t see through my account. That’s when I knew he could be cheating behind my back.”

4. Look out for suspicious cloud storage

Has your partner suddenly been using a particular cloud storage with extreme privacy? Look out for online vaults/storage services such as:
- Keepsafe
- Vault
- Hide It Pro
A lot of cheaters use these platforms as secret cheating apps to store and hide images and video content sourced from their affair partners. They function like any other usual cloud storage service, such as Google Drive, Microsoft OneDrive, and iCloud, but offer top-grade security and privacy.

5. Be wise while checking your partner’s browser history

How to check someone’s browsing history

No cheater, unless they’re dumb, will leave their browser histories intact. They wouldn’t want you to know if they’ve accessed cheating dating sites or adult sites for hookups. But, Google and other search engines of our age are wiser than your cheating partner.

Guess what, you only have to take the pain of typing every letter of the alphabet on them for them to suggest the sites visited in the past. This is a great solution if you’re wondering how to catch a cheater that deletes everything.

Related Reading: 20 Myths And Facts About Cheating In A Marriage

6. Look for another SIM card

How do cheaters hide stuff on their phone? By simply using a different device or phone number to carry on their clandestine activities. Has your partner suddenly bought a new ‘work phone’ or got a new ‘work number’? And you really haven’t heard of any promotion or extra workload of late from them? Well, these are obvious signs he’s trying his level best to keep his affair miles away from you.

7. Check their device’s trash

How to catch a cheater that deletes everything, you ask? Check the recycle bin of your common device or that of your partner’s system (if you have access to it). However, this will only work if the trash hasn’t been deleted forever. More often than not, you will find interesting clues (images, videos, notes, etc.) in the trash bin that may confirm your partner’s been cheating. You can also make use of cloud services such as DropBox that help restore files from the trash bin.

Related Reading: 20 Shocking Things Cheaters Say When Confronted

8. Access their password

How to find out their device password

This works on Google Chrome. If you have access to your partner’s device and if they’ve logged in to Google, you can easily track all saved passwords through the password manager. This sounds like a pretty easy hack, but it’s getting access to our partner’s system that’s the tough part.

9. Try hiring third-party help

How to get third-party help

If you’re done snooping and are still unable to catch your cheating partner red-handed, remember, the best way to catch a cheater is by hiring reliable and paid services. Many safe and discreet private detective services help you gain:
- Access to your partner’s call lists
- Their daily schedules
- Details of whom they are meeting
- Photo evidence of their whereabouts and activities
Related Reading:The 9 Truths About Lifelong Extramarital Affairs

10. Use tracking apps

With the ever-evolving ways of cheating in this era of tech-savvy cheaters, there are also a host of tracking and spyware apps that have flooded the market. Many of these offer features that allow you to track their call history, messages across platforms (WhatsApp or Snapchat cheating evidence), and their social media activity.

Some can also send you screenshots of your partner’s screen and stay completely hidden from your partner while doing so. All you’ve got to do is gain access to your partner’s phone and install one of these apps. We’ve collated a list of some such apps to catch a cheater below:
- mSpy: This is known as the best overall cheating-tracking app
- Spybubblepro: You can access your cheating partner’s WhatsApp and other messages
- Spynger: This offers the best stealth mode
- uMobix: Its keylogger feature allows you to see what your partner is typing
11. Check your partner’s phone battery usage

Cheaters can delete all evidence of cheating but what they often miss is that you can easily access their phone battery usage. If your partner is using an iPhone, go to Settings > Screen Time > See All Activity. You will get a list of apps that have been used and the duration of use too.

For Android users, you can go to Settings > Device Care > Battery, to check which app has been used for how long and the amount of battery percentage each app has drawn. Any suspicious or unusual activity in this regard can be proof that they have been cheating behind your back.

Related Reading: When Older Woman Younger Man Started Flirting On WhatsApp

12. Check your partner’s phone locations

GPS has made it possible to track your cheating partner’s phone locations easily. But is there a way to link your partner’s Google Timeline and cheating ways? How do locations help in such cases? Well, tracking locations can help you ascertain whether they’ve been lying. Here’s how to go about it:
- Checking the ‘previous destinations’ option on Google devices
- Tracking the ‘Google Timeline’ feature on Google Maps on Android devices
- Checking ‘Significant Locations’ for iPhone users. To do this, simply go to Settings > Privacy > Location Services > System Services > Significant Locations
How To Confront A Cheater When You Snooped

Now that you have made use of the apps to catch a cheater online and have snooped on them to gather enough evidence that they have indeed been cheating, how should you confront them? How do you begin ‘the talk’? Well, even if you have figured out the best way to catch a cheater who deletes everything, you may be at a loss when it comes to facing them and the truth. We’d suggest that you don’t get too emotional about the infidelity and deal with the situation maturely and with some strategy in place. How? Well, below are some tips to face a cheater when you have snooped on them:

Related Reading: The 3 Types Of Men Who Have Affairs And How To Recognize Them

1. Don’t make it too sudden

How to confront a cheater when you snooped, you ask? Well, when you wish to have ‘the talk’ with your cheating partner, make sure you prepare them for the conversation and don’t just drop the bomb out of nowhere. Here are some tips:
- Don’t make it abrupt
- If you wish to talk, give them some time to think about what you’re going to talk about
- Say something like, “I wish to talk to you about something that’s been bothering me. Can we discuss this tomorrow?” to prepare the ground for the conversation
2. Be prepared for retaliation

Talking to a cheating partner will never be easy. They will try every trick in the book to avoid confrontation or owning up to their mistakes. Be prepared to be faced with:
- Counter-arguments: “And what about the time when I saw you flirting with your boss?”
- Denial: “No! I didn’t do that.”
- Ridicule: “Are you out of your mind? You must go check with a doctor.”
- Gaslighting: “I think you’re just imagining things.”
- Anger: “Why were you snooping on me?”
Related Reading: Understanding Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder – Signs and Recovery Tips

3. Communicate your concerns

Once your partner is over the initial shock, try and communicate openly about your concerns with them. Here are some tips:
- Have an open and honest conversation about how you feel about the whole thing
- Ask questions about what made them do this
- Ask them if you could’ve done something to avert this
4. Listen

The most important part of confronting a cheater is to listen to their concerns and explanations. You are bound to feel angered by their version, but here’s what you should be doing while listening to them:
- Stay calm: Remember, you are confronting them to find a solution to their infidelity and not to create more problems
- Avoid the blame game: Don’t indulge in blame-shifting in your relationship, as that might escalate matters
- Don’t use derogatory language: Avoid abusive language, as that may backfire and they too might start a bitter argument
- Avoid ridicule, sarcasm, and references to past failures: To make it easier for them to explain, avoid any judgment or ridicule. Also make sure you never refer to other mistakes from the past
Related Reading: Forgiving My Partner’s Infidelity To Reclaim My Life

5. Decide whether to move on

Once you have realized the root cause behind their infidelity, make a decision. Decide whether you wish to stay or move on. Consider the consequences and risks of ending the relationship, especially if there are kids or financial responsibilities involved
Key Pointers

Some red flags that prove your partner is cheating are: reluctance to be intimate with you, unexplained expenses, and a sudden need for privacy

Some hacks to catch a cheater who deletes everything are tracking their social media activity, checking shared accounts, tracking their cloud storage, and linking their Google Timeline

Use these tips when you’re confronting a cheater after snooping on them: don’t make it too sudden, communicate, and decide whether to move on
Final Thoughts

With these tangible solutions to your how to catch a cheater that deletes everything quandary, you will have definitive answers soon. But by snooping, you just get to the tip of the iceberg and realize that your partner has been cheating. Next comes the more challenging part of figuring out how to deal with this curveball. For that, you need to get to the core issues that have led them to cheat, introspect, and ask them questions. It won’t be easy but we assure you, you will pull through, irrespective of how you decide to respond to your partner’s choice to cheat.

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September 4, 2024
Am I the toxic one in the relationship? Quiz
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Many of us find ourselves in relationships that feel strained or unhealthy. It’s natural to wonder if you’re the one bringing the negativity to the table. Before you jump down the rabbit hole of “how toxic am I” searches and endless “am I the problem quizzes,” take a deep breath.

This isn’t a “how toxic are you” quiz designed to shame you. This is a chance for some self-awareness. Created by a clinical psychologist with a master’s degree in the field, this 10-question quiz will help you see if there is something you’re doing that is dooming your relationship.

Often we do things without any bad intentions, we simply don’t realize the negative impact of our actions. This is why nobody is here to blame you for any toxic behaviors you might be displaying. Rather, we’re here to help you rectify them. Are you a good communicator? Do you prioritize your partner’s feelings? This quiz will ask you questions that might be hard for you to answer. Just remember to be honest.

Related Quiz: Toxic Marriage Quiz

Related Quiz: Am I Emotionally Unavailable? Quiz

Questions

1. How often do you find yourself criticizing your partner’s actions or decisions?
- Rarely or never
- Occasionally
- Frequently
2. When conflicts arise, how do you typically react?
- I try to communicate calmly and find a resolution.
- I might get upset, but I usually try to talk things through.
- I tend to get angry or defensive, and I might say hurtful things.
3. Do you often feel the need to control what your partner does or who they spend time with?
- No, I trust my partner and respect their independence.
- Sometimes, but I try to give them space.
- Yes, I feel anxious or jealous when they’re not with me.
4. How do you handle disagreements in the relationship?
- I listen to my partner’s perspective and try to understand their point of view.
- I might argue, but I ultimately want to find a compromise.
- I tend to dominate the conversation or shut down their opinions.
5. Have you ever guilt-tripped your partner into doing something they didn’t want to do?
- No, I respect their boundaries.
- Maybe unintentionally, but I try to avoid it.
- Yes, I’ve used guilt or manipulation to get my way.
6. Do you apologize when you’ve hurt your partner’s feelings?
- Yes, I acknowledge my mistakes and try to make amends.
- Sometimes, but I find it hard to admit when I’m wrong.
- No, I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong.
7. How do you handle your partner’s achievements or successes?
- I’m genuinely happy for them and celebrate their accomplishments.
- I might feel a twinge of jealousy, but I try to be supportive.
- I feel resentful or envious, and I downplay their achievements.
8. Are you able to give your partner space and independence?
- Yes, I understand the importance of having individual interests and activities. – 1
- Sometimes, but I struggle with feeling insecure when they’re not around. – 2
- No, I prefer to spend all my time with them and get upset when they want time alone. – 3
9. How do you react when your partner spends time with friends or family without you?
- I’m happy they’re spending time with loved ones and encourage it.
- I might feel a little lonely, but I trust them and their relationships.
- I feel neglected or abandoned, and I may express resentment or anger.
10. Have you ever made your partner feel guilty for prioritizing their own needs or goals?
- No, I believe it’s important for both of us to pursue our dreams.
- Maybe unintentionally, but I try to be supportive.
- Yes, I’ve made them feel guilty for not putting me first.
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March 13, 2024
Are Narcissists Capable Of Love?
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Are narcissists capable of love? This is a question that weighs on the minds of a lot of people who have endured the narcissistic love patterns of idealization, devaluation, discarding, and hoovering. If you’re wrestling with it too, know that you’re not alone.

We understand how emotionally draining and tumultuous a relationship with a narcissist can be. And it can leave you convinced that the person perpetuating all this chaos in your life cannot possibly be capable of love. However, in reality, a narcissist can technically love someone but their feelings are fleeting and superficial at best.

What does “fleeting and superficial” mean? How does it translate into their behavior in a relationship? To help you find the answers, let’s take a deeper look at the intricacies of a narcissist in love in consultation with California-based psychiatrist and Cognitive Behavior Therapist Dr. Shefali Batra (MD in psychiatry), who specializes in counseling for separation and divorce, breakup and dating, and premarital compatibility issues. But first, let’s make sure you understand who a narcissist really is.

Who Is A Narcissist?

The word narcissist is often casually thrown around to define anyone with an inflated need for admiration and attention, and a self-centered attitude. However, not everyone who enjoys more than a healthy dose of self-love is a narcissist.

Another common misconception is that exhibiting narcissistic behavior is the same as having narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). However, that’s far from the truth too. Narcissism exists on a spectrum and only people on the highest end of this spectrum are considered to have narcissistic personality disorder.

According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th edition (DSM-5), a person can be diagnosed with NDP if they exhibit five or more of the following traits:
- Inflated sense of self-importance
- Displays of grandiosity
- Arrogant attitudes and behavior
- Envy toward other
- Lack of empathy
- Exploiting others for own advantage
- Preoccupation with fantasies about unlimited power, intelligence, beauty, or success
- Excessive need for admiration
- Sense of entitlement
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Dr. Batra says, “Narcissism is characterized by a lack of self-worth, low self-esteem, and incomplete sense of self-identity that results in a dysfunctional thought process, which is expressed outwardly as self-focused, unempathetic, and attention-seeking behavior.”

This distinction is important because according to a US-centric research, only 0.5%-5% of adults have NPD. If an individual has a few narcissistic tendencies, they may still be able to experience and express love almost the same way as any other person would. And if you’re with such a person, you wouldn’t be asking, “Is a narcissistic person capable of love?”

Sure, there may be some relationship challenges along the way. “However, these traits in people on the lower end of the narcissism spectrum are too mild to affect their ability to love another person. On the other hand, NPD traits impede a person’s ability to love another, at least in a way that most people understand love,” Dr. Batra adds.

Now that we’ve cleared that up, let’s help you address a few other questions that will help you navigate your situation better: Are narcissists capable of love? How does a narcissist show love?

Related Reading: What Are The Examples Of Narcissistic Behavior In A Relationship?

How To Know If A Narcissist Loves You

Narcissism and love rarely go well together. Sure, a narcissist, charming and charismatic as they are, may sweep you off your feet with their grand gestures and displays of love. At that stage, questions like are narcissists affectionate or how does a narcissist show love wouldn’t even cross your mind because the person in front of you feels just so perfect and right.

However, as narcissistic love patterns go, this stage — known as idealization and characterized by love-bombing — is often short-lived and transactional (contingent on how well and for how long it serves their need for narcissistic supply). Because of this, they struggle to maintain healthy connections in their life or genuine feelings for another person.

Narcissism and love rarely go well together

The bottom line is, it’s rare to see a narcissist fall in love permanently. So, if you’re wondering how to know if a narcissist loves you, ask yourself:
- Do they take your needs and feelings into consideration?
- Do they treat you with respect?
- Do they take responsibility for their actions?
- Can they appreciate you?
- Do they honor your boundaries in the relationship?
- Do they value your opinions and emotions?
- And most importantly, are they able to put your needs first even in situations they stand to gain nothing in return?
If you’ve answered these questions in the affirmative, you have a narcissist in love with you. However, Dr. Batra warns, “The chances of that happening are slim to none in most cases because a narcissist can’t love unless they are willing to work on fixing their behavior and their thought patterns. This requires a great deal of self-reflection and introspection, which can be overwhelming and even a scary proposition for a narcissist.”

More often than not, a narcissist would much rather resort to scapegoating, gaslighting, and other manipulation tactics rather than do the inner work to break free from their patterns.

Related Reading: 33 Phrases To Shut Down Gaslighting And Silence Gaslighters

Are Narcissists Capable Of Love?

Are narcissists capable of love? This can be a tricky question to address because narcissistic love is often self-serving, much like every other aspect of their existence, and far removed from the notions of meaningful connections and healthy relationships that others associate with love.

Dr. Batra explains, “The problem about narcissists being capable of love stems from the fact that their cup of love to offer is already full. They only love themselves. The lack of love in the earlier days of life, especially from caregivers [parents] makes them struggle through their life to feel and be accepted. They function from a space of deficit.

“If you see it from an evolutionary standpoint their self-love is justified because they never got it from anyone. But in the real world, it is unreasonable, unacceptable, and outright dysfunctional. So they turn toward those who care for them — that’s why empaths and narcissists often attract one another — but the relationship is purely transactional and not the genuine love that you see elsewhere.

“They will give care and attention back but the moment this loved object opposes them or doesn’t feed their ego, they will outright reject them and feel miserable from within too.” So, to answer your question — is a narcissistic person capable of love? — not in the real sense of the word. Dr. Batra lists the reasons why a narcissist can’t love another person fully and whole-heartedly:
- They do not care for or feel close to anyone because their brain is not geared to do so
- They cannot look beyond their own needs
- They possess such an overpowering self-preservation instinct that their hypervigilance and emotional reactivity to rejection makes them highly impulsive
- Insecure inner working models make them perceive themselves as unworthy or unwanted
- Pathologically uncomfortable in scenarios where they’re not the center of attention
Related Reading: How To Get Out Of An Unhealthy Relationship: A Step-by-Step Guide

“If there’s a narcissist in love with you, or at least claims to be, to assess the authenticity of their feelings, you need to look beyond their words — which they have a way with — and see how they treat you. If they actually treat you with respect, care, and concern, they may have some sort of feelings for you,” she adds.

Ultimately, it boils down to the fact that a narcissist can technically love another person but it won’t even be the wholesome, unconditional love you’d expect in an intimate relationship. They can’t genuinely love someone.

What does a narcissist think love is?

As we said, a narcissist can technically love but their idea of what love feels like can be skewed. Dr. Batra says, “Narcissistic love is devoid of the notion of reciprocity. For a narcissist, love is a means to seek external validation to boost their self-esteem and feel better about themselves. They continue to experience what they believe is love as long as this need is met. That’s why it’s rare to see a narcissist fall in love permanently.”

Narcissistic love is self-serving

If you’re wondering, “Can a narcissist love?”, know that what they perceive as love is aligned with their pervasive patterns of need for attention, self-importance, and admiration. A narcissist’s love, ultimately, boils down to:
- Sense of entitlement that makes them feel that love is owed to them
- Need for unconditional admiration from their partners
- Grand displays of affection and expressions of undying love without any meaningful connection
- An exhilarating sense of excitement that makes them feel good about themselves
This results in a superficial bond that often paves the way for a one-sided and toxic dynamic as the relationship progresses.

Related Reading: Grey Rock Method: Meaning, Techniques, And Ways To Use It Effectively

How does a narcissist show love?

Are narcissists affectionate? Yes, a narcissist can be immensely affectionate, charming, disarming, and loving, especially at the beginning of a romance. But is a narcissistic person capable of love? I think, by now, you know the answer to that question is a clear, resounding no — at least, as long as you’re viewing their understanding and expression of love from the standpoint of what love looks like in a healthy relationship.

It’s crucial to be aware of this connection between narcissism and love to not get swept up by the way a narcissist shows love. According to Dr. Batra, this includes:
- Being obsessed with the need to be adored and admired by their romantic partners
- Romantic manipulation through grand displays of affection
- Love-bombing their partners
- Sweeping them off their feet with gifts and compliments
- Always saying the right things at the right time to charm and disarm
This results in an emotionally charged relationship that can be hard to sustain, resulting in intense highs and lows. A study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology suggests that this is primarily why narcissists fail at long-term, committed relationships but might excel at short-term dating.

What To Do If You’re In Love With A Narcissist

To live with a narcissist and be happy is like trying to fill a bucket with a giant hole at the bottom. If you’re in love with a narcissist, self-preservation should be your top priority and that begins by understanding that real love is not self-serving, exploitative, envious, or boastful. But when you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, that’s what you get in the name of love. Peppered with toxicity, drama, and trauma. Because when a narcissist knows you love him/her, that’s why they unleash the whole gamut of their toxic tendencies on you.

You may find yourself at the receiving end of gaslighting, love bombing, manipulation, and even abuse. If things have escalated to the extent of abuse, you need to reach out for help.

If you are in immediate danger, call 9-1-1.
For anonymous, confidential help, 24/7, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY).

However, if you’ve spotted your partner’s narcissistic tendencies early on, there are ways to navigate the relationship and minimize the emotional harm it may cause you. While it may not be realistic to expect that you can live with a narcissist and be happy, the following steps can help you protect yourself:
- Establish boundaries: It’s crucial to establish and enforce healthy relationship boundaries when you’re in a relationship with a narcissist. If done early on, this can go a long way in keeping you safe from narcissistic abuse
- Practice self-care: Don’t lose yourself in the relationship. Your partner’s need for admiration, attention, and adoration is a bottomless pit. You need to reset from time to time, reassess your priorities, and refocus on yourself
- Educate yourself: Knowledge and awareness about what you’re dealing with is the best way to combat it effectively. Learn as much as you can about narcissistic personality disorder and its ramifications on relationships. This will equip you to address relationship problems as they arise
- Seek counseling: The emotional toll and trauma of being in love with a narcissist can be huge. Therapy offers a safe space for you to explore the many confusing emotions you may be struggling with and process them. The process can be immensely beneficial in helpful in identifying your own triggers, developing coping skills, and figuring out what you want for yourself
- Encourage your partner to get help: NPD is a serious mental health disorder that requires the right treatment and help. However, people afflicted by it are often not open to the idea of seeking help because they are not ready to accept that something is wrong with them. While you can’t make your partner get the help they need, it can be helpful to encourage them to seek it by normalizing this idea for them
Key Pointers

A narcissist may not feel or express love in the same ways that others do because their brain is not geared to do so

While a narcissist may experience romantic feelings and love for someone, they just view it as a means of external validating and seeking an ego boost

A may continue to portray feelings of love for a person as long as they offer them their narcissistic supply through unconditional love and adoration

When a narcissist knows you love him/her, they may come at you with the whole gamut of their toxic tendencies — gaslighting, manipulation, abuse

To be able to deal with being in love with a narcissist, you must set boundaries, prioritize self-care, and seek professional help
All in all, narcissism and love don’t mix well. If you came here hoping for a different answer to “Are narcissists capable of love”, we’re sorry to have disappointed you. But opening your eyes to the reality of the situation is absolutely crucial for being able to deal with it to the best of your ability. And that’s what we’re here for. To help you find the answers and a way forward in even the grimmest looking circumstances in life.

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Exposing A Narcissist – What You Should Know

What Are The Examples Of Narcissistic Behavior In A Relationship?

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December 18, 2023
How Does A Narcissist React When They Can’t Control You?
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While talking about narcissism in his bestselling book The Art of Loving, psychoanalyst Erich Fromm said, “The main condition for the achievement of love is the overcoming of one’s narcissism.” And he was right. Narcissism can, in many cases prevent a healthy relationship from blossoming, because nothing or nobody is more important to narcissists than their own selves. Control is the hallmark of a narcissist’s character. But how does a narcissist react when they can’t control you? And how does a narcissist feel when you don’t beg and plead to save the relationship?

You can be sure that a narcissist wouldn’t take indifference lying down. When you take control away from a narcissist, they wouldn’t even let go of you and would want to continue victimizing you initially. In this article, with the help of our expert relationship counselor Dhriti Bhavsar (Master’s degree in Psychology, with specialization in Clinical Psychology), whose expertise includes areas such as relationships, pre-marital counseling, LGBTQ+ issues, and breakups, we will delve deeper into what happens when a narcissist knows he is losing or discovers she is being left. So, read on to get answers to your burning question, “How does a narcissist act when they lose you?”, and save yourself from narcissistic abuse.

How Does A Narcissistic Person Control You?

It’s common knowledge that narcissists thrive on attention. They are people with excessive self-love and a constant need to feel special. They also lack empathy or romantic feelings and aggressively dominate those around them or use them for their own benefit. Research has proved time and again that pathological narcissists show a number of marked character traits. So, people with grandiose narcissism (originating from an innate superiority complex) can show:
- Arrogance
- Entitlement
- Envy
- Charm
While people with vulnerable narcissism (stemming from a lack of self-esteem) show:
- Insecurity
- Devaluation
- Emptiness
Related Reading: 21 Stages Of A Narcissistic Relationship With An Empath

But how does a narcissist act when they need to control you? Dhriti explains, “Narcissists mostly rely on tactics of emotional manipulation to control people. They have no concern for a person’s feelings.” And these tactics are tools for narcissists to overpower their loved ones and others around them. So, let’s take a look at some of these manipulative actions that narcissists employ:

1. Gaslighting

Gaslighting is the act of making you doubt your sanity by negating your feelings, and narcissists are masters of this act of manipulation. Dhriti says, “For narcissists, it’s all about preventing the victim from bringing up any relationship doubt or issues by denying their truth or recollection of events. So, in such cases, narcissists may use statements such as: “You’re remembering things wrong” or “It wasn’t that bad,” to make the victim question themselves and second guess their own experiences and feelings.”

Gaslighting is a typical narcissistic trait when a narcissist starts losing control over you

2. Love bombing and ghosting

Another tactic that narcissists use to gain control is a conscious mix of love bombing and ghosting. Love bombing is when they shower excessive love on someone while ghosting entails cutting all contact and communication without any explanation.

Dhriti adds, “Narcissists make sure it’s a constant cat-and-mouse chase. When they’re giving you attention, there’s so much that you don’t know what to do with it. They will shower you with gifts, time, and sweet words. They will make you feel on top of the world. Then, all of a sudden, they’ll back off completely and ghost you. There will be no contact and no reply to texts or calls. Even if they do eventually respond, they will be emotionally distant and cold. This might make the victim emotionally insecure and reliant on the narcissist to make them feel better.”

3. Playing the victim card

Narcissists are always the victims in their own eyes. They never own up to their faults, feel guilty for their wrongdoings, or take accountability for their actions. Dhriti says, “Even if the actual victim tries to bring something up that the narcissist did to hurt them, the narcissist will turn it on its head and take that chance to criticize everything the victim does.”

4. Projection

Projection is a defense mechanism that narcissists often use. It entails displacing one’s negative feelings onto someone else. Dhriti adds, “Narcissists believe they’re perfect. So, when they’re comforted with the truth about their flaws, it causes them distress. They then start accusing people around them of doing the same thing. For instance, if they’re jealous of someone, they might accuse the other person of being jealous of them and trying to sabotage them.”

Related Reading: A Rundown On What A Narcissist Does At The End Of A Relationship

5. Lying

Narcissists are master liars and often lie to make other people look like the ‘villains’ of their story, so as to make themselves look better in comparison. Dhriti explains, “Narcissists lie so convincingly that the person hearing their tales feels compelled to believe them and pity them.”

So, now that we know about the methods employed by narcissists to gain control over others, you might be wondering how these control freaks react when they lose grip on their partners or their victim decides to fight back. Well, let’s look at a few such cases.

11 Reactions You Can Expect When A Narcissist Realizes They Lost You

So, how does a narcissist react when they can’t control you? Well, when a narcissist loses control over their victim, it’s like a child losing his toy. You see, narcissists love drama and they act up markedly when they can’t manipulate their victims. So, when you take control away from a narcissist, they feel they may have lost someone who probably stroked their ego.

This results in a loss of self-importance and can lead to very strong reactions from the narcissist. A simple answer to “How does a narcissist feel when you don’t beg and plead?” is that they can’t accept the harsh reality. And their behavior can be unpredictable. Being the center of their own universe, narcissists tend to project themselves as victims when their partners break free from their abuse.

When you make a narcissist miserable by beating them at their own game, they might initially try and win you back, but eventually, they may display narcissistic rage and cut you off completely. Let’s look at 11 reactions that one can expect when a narcissist realizes they lost you:

Related Reading: 8 Signs Of Covert Narcissist Hoovering And How You Should Respond

1. Baiting

The first answer to “How does a narcissist react when they can’t control you?,” is that they will try their best to get a reaction out of you or get you to talk. Dhriti explains, “Most commonly, what works is anger. Narcissists will deliberately say or do things that make you mad. For instance, they can reach out to and bother your friends, in an effort to get to you, or say things to you that might trigger you.”

Baiting can also involve making a person feel scared, guilt-tripping, or falsely accusing them of something. A Reddit user, while talking about her narcissistic boyfriend whom she left, said, “He has tried to guilt me into talking to him by saying relatives have passed away or are sick.”

2. Back to love bombing

When baiting doesn’t work, narcissists might start showering you with love, the same way they did in the initial days, but for all the wrong reasons. Dhriti explains, “This sudden love bombing may make you question your judgment of moving away from them because they’ll seem like this amazing person and make you feel great about yourself. In such cases, they might try to remind you of quality times you spent together in the past.” You might feel tempted to mend ways and make the relationship work. But remember, going back to a narcissist in such situations can be a huge mistake.

3. False hopes of closure

When you are too strong for a narcissist, sometimes, in a desperate attempt to get back control, they might pretend to offer you closure or a resolution. Dhriti explains, “They might ask to meet you somewhere or talk on call for closure, and then when the time comes, they might stand you up. When you call them back, they’ll deny ever making such plans and call you crazy. This is a form of narcissist gaslighting. A narcissist enjoys giving their partner false hope and loves to make them feel sad.”

4. Isolating you

A prominent answer to “How does the narcissist react when he realizes you no longer care or when she discovers you’ve figured out her game?”, is that he might try and isolate you. When a narcissist’s fragile ego is wounded, they will try every manipulation tactic in a relationship, even to the extent of separating you from friends and family.

Dhriti adds, “A narcissist may call up your mutual friends and go around talking badly about you. They might start a whole smear campaign against you to try and turn your friends against you. They wish to create a situation wherein you have no one else but your narcissistic partner to turn to for emotional support.” So, what to do when a narcissist tries to control you this way? Well, don’t fall into the trap. Stay in touch with loved ones.

Related Reading: How Not To Fall For A Narcissist And Suffer In Silence

5. Intermittent reinforcement

When you beat a narcissist at their own game, they might exploit that faint hope you may have somewhere in one corner of your mind. This is one tactic that makes leaving an abusive relationship extremely difficult for the victim. A term coined by psychologist B. F. Skinner, ‘intermittent reinforcement’ defines a situation wherein a person feels they have more to gain because they have been rewarded inconsistently. It’s like losing all your money at the casino because the one time you won made you squander away your savings later, as you hoped to win again.

Dhriti says, “Intermittent reinforcement is essentially delivering a ‘reward’ at irregular times, so the person never knows when to anticipate a reward and continues the behavior. In such cases, a narcissist might suddenly acknowledge something you’ve been complaining about for a very long time and make promises to change.” This stage is where you should know how to take control away from a narcissist, by not giving in.

6. Narcissistic injury

Also known as narcissistic wound, narcissistic injury refers to the excessive sense of humiliation that a narcissist feels when they lose control over their victims or they feel they have been insulted. Dhriti adds, “It’s when their self-perception of being perfect is hurt because they realize that someone could leave them so easily. If you are dating a narcissist you would know this often makes them lash out and act in a vengeful manner.”

Related Reading: Your Guide On How To Deal With An Angry Person In A Relationship

7. Narcissistic rage

Close on the heels of narcissistic injury is narcissistic rage. When a narcissist doesn’t get their way, they start throwing tantrums. At times, they may even react violently and try to get back at their victims for ignoring them or leaving them. Dhriti adds, “Their thought process is, “How dare you hurt me? I will hurt you more.” It can also manifest in the form of physical, mental, and emotional abuse.”

8. Leaving before you leave them

Another answer to “How does the narcissist react when he realizes you no longer care or she finds out you’re trying to leave them?,” is that they might leave you before you leave them. A narcissist will try and win you back as long as you feed their ego or respond to their efforts to get you back into the abusive relationship. The moment a narcissist gets the hint that you might leave them for good, they will be the first ones to break up. This satiates their ego. But what to do when a narcissist tries to control you is entirely up to you. Decide whether you wish to wait and watch or leave them right away.

9. Ugly revelations

While a narcissist is breaking up with you, they will try and give you a final blow. In the breakup conversation, they will try and cause you more pain in an effort to destroy your emotional well-being and self-esteem. That’s why it becomes important to know how to take control away from a narcissist by not reacting.

Dhriti says, “If the narcissist did something nasty during the relationship which they hid from you, they’ll reveal that to you now. For instance, someone I know was breaking up with her boyfriend and he chose that exact moment, in the middle of her sentence, to tell her he had cheated on her. He wanted the power to hurt her more than she was hurting him.”

Related Reading: 9 Expert Tips On How To Deal With A Narcissist Spouse

10. Accusations

When the narcissist realizes you are done, the final breakup conversation with them may also end up in them falsely accusing you of things you may not have done. Dhriti adds, “They may double down on their partner and start pointing out their flaws and attacking their self-esteem.” In this way, they can:
- Divert attention from their own flaws
- Put the victim in a defensive mode
- Make excuses to hide their own wrongdoings
This is how a narcissist reacts when they can’t control you

11. No closure

When a narcissist is finished with you and realizes they can’t extract any emotion out of you, they will end all contact abruptly. Such people don’t have any concern for their partner’s feelings. Remember, a narcissist will never stay friends after the breakup or give you a chance to get closure. Dhriti explains, “Once they realize they’re not going to get any admiration, validation, or emotional reaction from you, they’ll simply get rid of you.”

Does Taking Power Away From A Narcissist Make Them Discard You?

Now that you have the answer to: “How does a narcissist react when they can’t control you?,” let’s find out if a narcissist leaves you for good when they realize they have lost control over the relationship. Dhriti says, “A narcissist only wants to be around those who can emotionally validate them and not contest their self-perception of being perfect. If they don’t have the power over you, they can very well discard you, because they don’t see you as a person. They see you as a supply or some puppet who is only there to fulfill their needs.”

Related Reading: The Narcissist Silent Treatment: What It Is And How To Respond

But in case you’re wondering how to know if you’re about to be discarded by a narcissist, remember, there are always those subtle hints that come before the final stage of the narcissistic discard. Here are some signs to watch out for if you’re wondering if you’re about to be discarded by a narcissist:
- No jealousy anymore
- They flirt around or get into a new relationship
- No love bombing
- No hoovering or an attempt to get you back
- Indifference in the relationship
Narcissism is a toxic personality disorder that gnaws at a relationship bit by bit and destroys its very core. We hope we’ve been able to help you with a clear picture of what narcissistic control in a relationship looks like. We also hope you’re no longer wondering, “How does a narcissist react when they can’t control you?” You see when a narcissist knows he is losing or she is being outsmarted, the relationship will be at the receiving end of all their frustration and rage.
Key Pointers

Narcissists are self-absorbed people with no empathy or concern for other people’s feelings and love controlling their partners

A Narcissist can employ several tactics to control you, such as gaslighting, playing the victim card, love bombing, and lying

Some of the glaring reactions of a narcissist when they start losing control over you are baiting, false hopes of closure, narcissistic rage, ugly revelations, and accusations

Taking power away from a narcissist will eventually lead them to discard you and cut off all ties. So, staying friends with a narcissistic partner isn’t an option
Remember, even when you are too strong for a narcissist, breaking away from them may not always be easy. Moreover, emotions may be involved, especially if you’re in a long-term romantic relationship. So, you will feel hurt. But when the narcissist realizes you are done, you can be victimized furthermore, till they suck every ounce of energy out of you.

So, what’s more important is to realize your worth and make a clean break with a narcissist before their abuse damages you irreparably. It’s important to note that there’s no ‘we’ without ‘I’, and if the narcissistic control is getting too much for you, there’s no alternative to go separate ways to safeguard your mental health. There’s no point in dragging things that may never work. This is the golden rule of a relationship. So, let self-love take over and focus on your healing process. Believe in yourself and take the plunge.

9 Things To Be Mindful Of When Arguing With A Narcissistic Husband

How To Get Out Of A Controlling Relationship – 8 Ways To Break Free

Exposing A Narcissist – What You Should Know

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December 5, 2023