Tag: TIME100 Talks

There you sit, happily spooning mashed potatoes onto your plate, when Uncle Larry starts spouting off his unique views about politics and the conspiracy theory he read about on Facebook that morning. Or a play-by-play deep dive into his cat’s gastrointestinal issues. Or how angry he still is that Great-Great-Grandma Mildred cut him out of her will 30 years ago.

It’s time to change the subject—but doing so gracefully is an art. “It’s not about moving away from or avoiding someone,” says Chad Littlefield, the co-founder and chief experience officer of We and Me, an organization that aims to help leaders, educators, and event organizers facilitate better conversations. “We want to redirect without breaking connections.”

We asked experts exactly how to change the subject so smoothly that no one will even realize it’s happening.

“I hear you. Hey, what does everyone think? Will the Lions get the W this week?”

One of the best ways to dodge a conversational landmine is with a comment like “That’s interesting”—or the even more neutral “I hear you”—followed by a quick jump to safer terrain.

“You want to acknowledge what was said, and then you want to pivot to something else,” says Jayson Dibble, chair of the communication department at Hope College in Holland, Mich. “You don’t have to agree with someone in order to acknowledge them.”

This approach works because the norms of conversation generally prescribe turn-taking; one person can’t do all the talking, which means when someone uses their turn to mention something you’d rather not discuss, you can then use yours to address it in a way that doesn’t take sides but still fits before moving on to a safer topic. Plus, the original speaker won’t feel ignored, Dibble says.

“We can talk about politics any day. What I’d love to hear is, when did Grandma come up with her top-secret recipe for cranberry sauce?”

Pivoting to nostalgia is an almost foolproof strategy, Dibble says—everyone loves to talk about the good old days. You could approach the conversation like this: “We only get together once or twice a year as a big group like this. I’d love to hear more about what some people’s favorite Thanksgiving memories are.” Or: “Tell us some stories about what your early Thanksgivings were like.”

Read More: 7 Polite Phrases That Are Still Worth Saying

“If you’re wondering what to pivot to, you can always pivot to nostalgia,” Dibble says. “It’s easy to think back on a wonderful memory and get them to talk about it—and to invite more people into the conversation.”

“Whoa, that’s above my pay grade—I’m just here for the food!” 

Humor is a coping tool and a great way to defuse tension from almost any situation. That’s why Joy Parrish, a therapist and senior therapy manager at Headspace, likes this way of acknowledging an inappropriate comment and making it clear it’s not the time or place. “You’re doing it in a way that’s like, ‘I love you, but we’re not going to go there,’” she says.

“OK, let’s pause. Does anyone need a refill?”

Sometimes the best way to shut down a conversation involves a physical distraction. “Even if there’s a bunch of people around the table, the act of someone getting up and leaving turns the attention away from whatever’s happening,” Parrish says. “That focus is immediately broken.” By the time you sit back down, the mood and everyone’s attention span will have been reset, and you can wade into new, more enjoyable topics.

“Speaking of politics, who’s hungry for meatball subs right now?”

What does the politician you don’t want to hear about have to do with a juicy foot-long sandwich? Nothing—and that’s the point. One of Littlefield’s favorite ways to change the subject is pivoting with a non-sequitor, delivered in a playful way that makes it obvious you’re aiming for humor. “Laughter can totally purge the nerves in a room,” he says. “When you say, ‘Speaking of politics,’ or ‘Speaking of talking about super contentious issues at Thanksgiving, let’s go play Taboo,’ it’s a very obvious redirection without breaking connection.”

“You mentioned [noteworthy detail]. I’m so curious, what’s the story behind that?”

If you listen closely during even the briefest conversation, you’ll realize there are countless nuggets you can follow-up on. Maybe while she was ranting about politics, your aunt mentioned the town she grew up in—so why not ask her what it was like to live there, or how often she returns to visit?

Read More: 10 Questions to Ask Your Parents While You Still Can

There’s just one requirement to this approach: “Your question’s got to be rooted in your natural, genuine curiosity,” Littlefield says. “If you’re doing this just as an escape, it’s not going to work,” because people will be able to tell and will respond accordingly.

“I’ll think about that.”

These four magic words can disarm almost any situation, says Parrish, who considers them her favorite communication trick. If someone is trying to sell you something? You’ll think about it. Cousin Brady wants you to join his church or vote for his favorite candidate or loan him a large sum of money? You’ll think about that, too.

“You’re not saying no—you’re saying that you’ll consider it,” she says. “It leaves the door open, and you don’t have to resolve the situation right then.” That allows you to change the subject to something with much lower stakes.

“I love you—I’m just not comfortable talking about that. Can we talk about the Lakers instead?”

Sometimes, you’ll need to be “brutally honest” and set a boundary, Dibble says. If your family member doesn’t get the point, tell them directly that you’re not up for continued discussion and want to talk about something else. “You don’t have to feel bad about it; you didn’t say anything bad about Uncle Larry,” he says. “You didn’t put down his belief. You didn’t take away his right to think. You’re just saying, ‘I’m not comfortable going there today.’”

“You’re always so thoughtful about this stuff, and I can tell you really care. Speaking of which, you made that amazing pie last year, right?”

Complimenting someone can smooth the transition away from a heated subject. If you have strong opinions about whatever Grandma is talking about, it might be hard to muster such kind words, Parrish acknowledges.

Read More: How to Reconnect With People You Care About

But if you can swing it, latch onto the fact that she obviously put a lot of thought into whatever it is she’s so passionately ranting about, and then segue into something else that same dedication translates to, like baking or decorating. “You’re pivoting to make it more global instead of honing in on this one topic they want to talk about,” she says.

“We see this differently, and that’s OK. What matters most to me today is that we’re all together.”

This is the kind of sentiment we could all benefit from saying to each other more often. Parrish thinks of it as saying, “I really value your presence here today,” which means a lot to people on the receiving end. “It’s important to acknowledge that we have other things that connect us in such a deep, meaningful way that this one opinion isn’t going to cause a rift,” she says. “You can’t argue with me being like, ‘I really, really just want to spend time with you today.’”