Tag: Time to Talk

Narcissists are known for their sense of entitlement, self-centeredness, superiority complex, and condescending attitude toward others. Talking to them can be frustrating and draining, and what might seem like a straightforward conversation can quickly escalate into a fight you didn’t see coming. By learning some communication traits typical of people with narcissistic personality disorder, you’ll be better able to protect your own mental health during these interactions.

“The one great thing about narcissists is they’re highly predictable,” says Carrie Ann Cleveland, a marriage and family therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse. “Once you unveil and look underneath the mask, you can easily anticipate what they’re going to say and what’s going to trigger them.”

That knowledge allows you to prepare for conversations and remain neutral during challenging interactions. “All these types of communication are designed to trigger a reaction in you,” Cleveland says, and staying calm is one of the best ways to handle them. “You never want to justify, argue, defend, or explain with a narcissist, because then you just get caught in this cycle.”

With that in mind, we asked experts exactly what to expect when you’re talking to a narcissist.

A must-know acronym

When people with narcissistic personality disorder feel like they’re being challenged, they often resort to a manipulation tactic called DARVO, which stands for deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender. “It’s the No. 1 red flag you need to look out for when you’re talking to a narcissist,” says David Hawkins, a clinical psychologist and author of books including The Vulnerable Narcissist and So You’ve Been Called a Narcissist, Now What? 

These are the three stages:

Deny

The first step of the DARVO process is denial. People with narcissism tend to “vigorously defend themselves against any allegations or criticisms,” Hawkins says. “They deny any wrongdoing, and they dismiss the accusations as false.” They might tell you that you’re being ridiculous, for example, or blowing things out of proportion. They’ll flat-out deny behavior and events you know happened—rewriting history by insisting that you’re remembering things wrong.

Attack

People with narcissism often transition into the attack phase next, pummeling the character and credibility of their loved one. It’s not uncommon to hear language like this, Cleveland says: “You’re crazy. You’re obsessed. You’re always starting fights.” The narcissist might bring up past mistakes in an attempt to discredit the person calling out their behavior, or pounce on known insecurities.

Reverse victim and offender

The last step of the DARVO response pattern involves the reversal of roles: the narcissist positions themselves as the victim. In an effort to gain sympathy and divert attention away from their own behavior, they claim that they’re the ones being treated unfairly. For example, Cleveland says, they might declare: “I can’t believe you’re treating me this way after everything I’ve done for you.”

Read More: The Worst Things to Say to a Narcissist

“They portray themselves as the one being wronged, so you look like the aggressor,” she says. “You’re jumping all over the place trying to defend yourself from these false accusations,” which can distract you from calling out whatever behavior led to the confrontation in the first place.

Other common tactics

When mental-health experts work with friends and family members of narcissists, they teach them how to identify a variety of manipulation tactics. Here’s what to know about some of the ones encountered most often:

Minimization

This maneuver is all about a narcissist’s need to diminish the harm they’re causing. “It’s usually one of the first [tactics] to show up,” Cleveland says. “They frame abusive or hurtful words and behaviors as ‘no big deal’ by downplaying your feelings.” You’ll probably hear statements like this: “You’re too sensitive,” “You’re exaggerating again,” “You’re reading too much into it,” or “You’re too emotional.” The goal is to trivialize your emotions so you start doubting yourself, she says.

Minimizing an issue is a way “to subtly train others to believe it’s not as significant as you think it is,” Cleveland says. Plus, if something is “no big deal,” the narcissist doesn’t have to apologize for it or change their behavior.

Deflection

If a narcissist feels like they’re being criticized, they often avoid accountability by changing the subject—shifting the blame onto you for something that has nothing to do with the issue you broached. Say your colleague made a mistake in an important report, for example. When you try to address it, they might respond: “Well, last week you didn’t send that email on time.”

Read More: How to Break 8 Toxic Communication Habits

“They have so much shame about hiding anything ordinary about themselves—even flaws that we all have—that any sort of confrontation creates anxiety and fear,” says J.J. Kelly, a clinical psychologist and author of Holy Sh*t, I’m Dealing with a Narcissist! “They don’t even believe what’s spewing from their mouths—they just have to get [the criticism] off them,” so they turn it onto you, even though their words might sound and feel out of place.

Feigned confusion

Narcissists sometimes pretend not to understand what you’re saying so the conversation goes nowhere, Cleveland says. They deliberately act like they’re confused, forgetful, or incapable of understanding your point. “Narcissists use feigned confusion to evade responsibility,” she says. 

For example, they might ask you to explain things over and over, demand excessive proof or documentation, answer direct questions vaguely, and say things like “I’ll consider it”—and then never get back to you. Other common phrases: “I don’t remember agreeing to that,” “I don’t get what you’re saying”, and “I didn’t know you needed that. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“It’s an effective tool because it stalls progress,” Cleveland says, and you might get tired and annoyed and give up. “It’s meant to frustrate and destabilize you emotionally so you lose composure.”

A charm offensive

Some narcissists win people over with intense flattery and friendly behavior. “If someone is too far in the nice camp, it can be a red flag that it’s performative,” Kelly says. In part, they behave like that because they can’t tolerate the idea that people don’t like them, she adds. But that charming nature can also be a tool used to exert control: “It makes you want to be generous to them” and excuse any bad behavior, at least at first, she says. 

Imagine you’re dating a charming narcissist who complains about you to a mutual friend. Because your partner is able to come across so well, people might be inclined to believe that they’re not at fault. “They get people on their side through their charm offensive,” Kelly says. “That way, when someone meets them with reality and accountability, they’ve got this team behind them.”

Projection

Projection is a psychological defense mechanism that narcissists sometimes use to accuse you of the very thoughts, feelings, and behaviors they’re guilty of, like lying, cheating, or behaving in a controlling way. For example, if they’re having an affair, they might accuse you of being unfaithful; if they lie, they’ll insist that you’re the one who’s a liar. By doing so, “they deflect suspicion away from themselves,” Cleveland says. “Plus, they muddy the waters and put you on the defensive.”

Sarcasm disguised as humor

That dig at your expense was just a joke, right? Not always. Cleveland says narcissists often disguise sarcasm as humor, slipping in cutting remarks about your intelligence, competence, or appearance but framing them as playful. Think of a public declaration like this: “Wow! It takes a lot of confidence to pull off an outfit like that!” Or: “Oh, don’t strain yourself—you might actually have to work.” When you call them on it? Come on, they were just teasing and didn’t mean anything by it.

Read More: 7 Things to Say When Someone Gaslights You

“It’s a way to attack, belittle, or demean you while shielding themselves from accountability by reframing their words as harmless humor,” Cleveland says. Over time, these “jokes” will chip away at your self-confidence, she says, while keeping the narcissist in the dominant role.

How to respond

Once you recognize these tactics and patterns, you’ll be better able to handle them without getting offended or upset, Cleveland says. The best overall response to each of these toxic communication patterns is the same: stay calm, cool, and neutral. The key is refusing to engage in circular or baiting conversations, instead setting boundaries and exiting nonproductive conversations. She suggests employing close-ended responses: “I understand that’s your perspective. I see it differently.” 

Kelly touts the power of radical acceptance, and coming to terms with the fact that, in the course of your relationship with a narcissist, you’ll likely be misperceived when they try to present you as the guilty party. “It’s perfectly natural to want to clarify when you’re being misrepresented,” she says. “But you can honor yourself, act according to your values, and extract yourself by not explaining or defending yourself. You know who you are.”

We’ll save you the trouble of wondering: Yes, people with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) have considered using a planner, setting an alarm clock, and creating reminders on their phone. No, those suggestions aren’t helpful.

In fact, these are among the worst things you can say to someone with ADHD, which is characterized by symptoms like having a hard time paying attention, struggling with task initiation, and feeling restless or engaging in impulsive behavior. “It’s like, ‘Wow, what a genius idea,’” says Bailey Pilant, a licensed mental health counselor in New York who specializes in ADHD (and has the condition herself). Yet people dispense these well-intentioned but unsolicited tips again and again—including telling Pilant she should try writing things down. “I can write it down, and I’m still not going to remember because you can bet I’m going to lose that paper,” she says. “I’m not going to remember I wrote it down, I’m not going to remember where I wrote it down, I’m not going to be able to find it, and then just like that, it’s out of my head.”

There are other infuriating remarks, too. Here are some of them—plus what to say instead.

“Are you sure? You don’t look like you have ADHD.”

When Pilant went to college, her peers looked at her strangely when she revealed she had a prescription for Adderall to help her manage her ADHD. They all said the same thing, fueled by a misunderstanding of the many ways the condition can manifest: “You don’t look like you have ADHD.” Some questioned whether she was sure she actually had it.

“It was so dismissive, and I was very insecure about it at the time,” she recalls. “I quickly learned not to talk about it, and then I shamed myself out of taking my medication because of the negativity and stigma around even disclosing I had ADHD.” It took years for her to resume the medication—and when she finally did, she was amazed at how much it helped her cope with daily challenges.

“You have so much potential if you just try harder.”

When you grow up with ADHD, Pilant says, people constantly tell you that you just need to try harder, be more disciplined, and quit with the laziness already. “Trust me,” she used to think, “We’re trying really hard to be ‘normal.’”

Read More: Stop Saying These 5 Things to People With Social Anxiety

“These comments are so disheartening,” she says. “I can feel my heart breaking remembering all the times I’ve been told that I have so much potential, if I just applied myself more. It hurts because that’s not what’s going on.” She wishes more people understood that ADHD leads to trouble with executive functioning, which can feel like being at a traffic stop without any lights or signs or controllers waving cars through. “Our brain is like a free-for-all where we’re constantly navigating, ‘What am I supposed to do? How do I do that? How do I figure this out?’” she says. “It takes a lot of brainpower and work to be internally battling ourselves all day, every day to get through life tests.”

“You’re way too dramatic.”

People with ADHD often experience intense, overwhelming emotions, triggered by even the slightest setbacks and frustrations. That can include being especially sensitive to rejection. “They tend to feel their emotions in really vivid colors—they feel things more deeply than other people,” says Billy Roberts, a therapist in Columbus, Ohio, who specializes in the condition. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, he says; it can contribute to creativity and artistry, for example.

Yet friends and family members often coax those with ADHD to calm down, telling them they’re being too dramatic or sensitive. That’s a mistake. “It increases their shame and self-criticism, and can decrease their self-esteem and self-worth,” Roberts says. “It might actually shatter their confidence and make them less assertive. It’s not just one comment—it’s the accumulation of feeling so misunderstood and not heard.”

“Everybody struggles with that.”

One of the worst things you can say to someone with ADHD is that “everybody struggles with that” when referencing one of their symptoms, like always running late. Most people do, in fact, experience ADHD symptoms from time to time, says Russ Jones, an ADHD productivity coach and host of the ADHD Big Brother podcast. Forgetfulness and tardiness, for example, are both common. Yet that doesn’t mean you also have ADHD, or that the other person doesn’t have a “real” condition. “The degree to which we’re debilitated by those symptoms is what makes the difference,” he says.

Take losing your car keys, which happens to most people occasionally. Annoying? Sure. “But for an adult with ADHD, those lost keys might make them late to work, and if they’re late for work one more time, they’re going to lose their job,” Jones says. “And if they lose one more job, their spouse will leave them. That’s the ADHD difference.”

“Can you stop fidgeting for one minute?”

It’s common for people with ADHD to feel like they’re always being barked at to sit still. Keep in mind that for many, occupying their fingers—like with small fidget toys—actually improves focus, because it helps regulate the nervous system, allowing them to tune out distractions.

Read More: The Worst Thing to Say to Someone Who’s Depressed

Yet people often confuse Jones’s fidgeting with a lack of interest. He wants them to know: “That’s me doing what I have to do to stay focused,” he says. “I have to occupy some aspect of my brain—it’s not me being like, ‘How do I get out of this? I’m a friendly guy and I care about you and I want to listen to you, but if I sit still, my brain will go everywhere all at once. Give me a fidget toy, and I can lock in.”

What to say instead

There are lots of ways to support loved ones with ADHD. Instead of a flippant “everyone has ADHD these days,” Pilant suggests saying: “I can see how much effort it takes you to manage this. It sounds really hard.” You could also show interest by asking: “What are the biggest challenges you deal with every day?”

“Get curious with the person,” she advises. “Instead of saying things like ‘try harder,’ ask what strategies or support help them the most.” And instead of telling them (for the umpteenth time they’ve heard it) that they ought to try using a planner, Pilant recommends asking: “Can I share something that’s worked for me and see if it might be a fit for you?” Or: “What was your experience like when you used this tool before? Can we work together to find a system that would better support you and your needs?”

Read More: What a Hyperfixation Really Is

If you’re in a close relationship with someone with ADHD, make it clear that you don’t want to fix or change them—but rather, you enjoy helping make their life easier. You might ask your girlfriend, for example: “Hey, Jules, did you remember to grab XYZ?” If she starts berating herself for forgetting, jump in: “It’s OK! I had a feeling you might forget, so I grabbed it for you.”

It takes an average of 14 to 17 years for people to be diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) after they start experiencing symptoms. One of the reasons so many “suffer in silence” is the shame that cloaks their days, says Alexandra McNulty, a therapist in Baltimore who specializes in the condition, which is characterized by unwanted thoughts and repetitive behaviors.

“The challenge is that OCD is often filled with very distressing thoughts that go against someone’s values and morals,” she says. That could mean repeated thoughts about hurting themselves by jumping in front of traffic, committing a violent act like murder, or engaging in taboo sexual acts. “Because of that shame, people often don’t feel comfortable explaining to folks, including their providers, what they’re experiencing.”

When they do open up—finally sharing their internal dialogue with loved ones—it’s not unusual to be flooded with well-intentioned but harmful comments that only fuel the sense of embarrassment they feel about the thoughts, images, and urges running through their brain. That can exacerbate the cycle of obsessions and compulsions, which is why, if you’re on the receiving end, it’s so important to be thoughtful about the way you respond. We asked experts to share the worst things to say to someone with OCD—and which words are truly helpful.

“Don’t worry—everything will be fine.”

If someone you love is struggling with distressing thoughts, it’s natural to want to reassure them. But that’s the worst thing you can do. Telling them that everything is going to be OK “might provide temporary relief, but the problem is that the only thing in this world that’s truly certain is that there will always be uncertainty,” says Alissa Jerud, a clinical assistant professor of psychiatry at The University of Pennsylvania. “When somebody provides that certainty, it may work for a moment, but then the brain is going to come back with, ‘Wait, what if they’re wrong?’ Or, ‘What if this time it’s OK, but next time it’s not?’” 

That triggers a yo-yo effect: The person you love will feel anxious, then relieved, then anxious and in desperate need of reassurance again. It’s a vicious cycle that you should resist feeding into.

Instead say: “I know this is hard for you, and I know you can do hard things.”

Jerud’s clients often tell her it’s too painful, difficult, and anxiety-provoking to resist OCD’s demands. That’s why it’s important to remind your loved ones that they’re capable of doing challenging things—and to celebrate their effort. “Living with OCD is hard,” she says, “and it can feel so validating to have that acknowledged and to know that others believe in you.”

“You have thoughts like that? That’s disgusting.”

People with OCD can have debilitating intrusive thoughts that feel taboo, like about sexual violence or otherwise harming themselves or others. These aren’t a reflection of their true selves. If someone you love confides in you about what they’re experiencing, don’t respond with shock or horror. “The worst thing you can do is reinforce the shame, guilt, and disgust they’re already feeling,” Hardis says.

Instead say: “Our brain throws up lots of thoughts.”

It’s better to respond in a way that normalizes that you, too, have weird, distressing thoughts sometimes. Aim for a neutral tone, Hardis advises. If your kid just confided in you about a disturbing thought they had, for example, explain that the brain dispenses thousands of thoughts a day, and they don’t all mean something. She suggests adding: “I can appreciate how scary this must feel for you.”

“I’m so OCD, too!”

OCD—like any other mental-health condition—should never be used as an adjective. Yet people have latched onto the term as a way to express that they’re super organized or worried about germs. On the flipside, some exclaim that they wish they had OCD, because they could afford to be neater.

Read More: Stop Saying These 5 Things to People With Social Anxiety

“It overlooks the tremendous suffering someone might be experiencing,” says Joanna Hardis, a therapist in Cleveland Heights, Ohio, who specializes in treating OCD and anxiety disorders. “You might see someone washing their hands, but what you don’t see is the unrelenting and intrusive thoughts that may be driving it. You have absolutely no idea the level of torment of the thought behind that behavior.”

Instead say: “If you ever want me to help you find a therapist who provides highly effective, evidence-based treatment for OCD, I’d be happy to do so.”

This is “quite possibly the most helpful thing of all that you can say to someone with OCD,” Jerud says. Exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy is the gold-standard treatment for OCD, but it’s not always easy to find a provider (especially one who’s available and affordable). Offering to do some of the legwork to track a clinician down can go a long way.

“Sometimes people don’t even realize they have OCD. They just think this is how they do things. This is how they live through the world,” Jerud says. “Letting them know that you’re happy to look into that for them if that would be helpful suggests that there might be an alternative path—that maybe they don’t have to always struggle in this way.” That can provide a much needed sense of hope, she adds.

“You’re overreacting.”

Telling someone there’s no reason to be anxious is “incredibly dismissive,” McNulty says. She likens it to saying: “I don’t see any problems, so therefore, your reaction doesn’t make any sense.”

“People with OCD have a horror movie of the worst-case scenarios running through their mind all the time,” she says. “Their brain can’t tell the difference between what’s happening and what could happen. To say they’re overreacting—well, no, their emotions and anxiety are actually very warranted given the story their mind is telling them.”

Instead say: “Your anxiety is real, but the story your mind is telling you might not be. You can trust what your senses are telling you.”

McNulty sometimes explains OCD like this: Say you had a dream that your husband cheated on you, and when you woke up, you were peeved at him, despite knowing your emotions weren’t grounded in reality. “The emotion is real, but the story is not real,” she says. “That’s what people are experiencing with OCD while they’re awake.”

Read More: The Worst Thing to Say to Someone Who’s Depressed

Of course, being able to talk to someone with OCD about the way their brain is operating requires a nuanced understanding of what they’re going through. That’s why she recommends attending a treatment session with your loved one, so you can learn all about OCD and how to support the person you care about. There are also lots of support groups for family members to join, which can provide valuable pointers on communication.

“If you do that one more time, there will be no screens for a week!”

Punitive statements are rarely, if ever, appropriate—and that includes when you’re talking to someone with OCD. “Would you punish a kid who has diabetes because their blood sugar is off?” Jerud asks. “We don’t know exactly what causes OCD, but there are certainly biological components. Why would we punish somebody when that’s just how their brain has been wired to work?”

Instead say: “That was really brave of you. Way to go!”

People with OCD tend to give themselves a hard time. When they’re stuck on an obsession, they reach a critical choice point, Jerud says: They can either give in to their urges, or try to reduce their anxiety in some way, which feels risky and difficult. “Each time they do that, they get a little stronger, and their OCD gets a little weaker,” she says. “When we reinforce those tiny wins, it can help empower them to keep going.”

“Just stop.”

If your loved one has to tap their body four times in a row before moving on to a new task, or insists on rewriting an email until it’s just right, you might be tempted to tell them to knock it off. They can control their own behavior, right? Not exactly. “OCD is not about a lack of willpower,” McNulty says. “In fact, it requires a lot of willpower—my clients often end up white-knuckling through life in order to be able to do the things they enjoy despite their obsessions and compulsions.”

Instead say: “I get that it’s hard right now. How can I, as your support person, help you in this moment?”

The same tactics won’t help everyone with OCD calm their minds, but grounding practices that focus on engaging your senses in the present moment are often valuable. You might offer to go for a walk with your loved one, for example, or listen to a favorite album together. If you’re not sure what would be most helpful, McNulty suggests asking: “What can we do right now to help pull you out of these really scary stories your mind is telling you?”

Read More: What It Really Means to Have Intrusive Thoughts

It’s also a good idea to spend time educating yourself about what OCD feels like, and ask your loved one questions about their experience. Rather than make assumptions, get curious: “What’s your mind telling you right now?” “If you don’t understand, ask,” she says. “Give somebody the space to share their lived experience, and listen in a non-judgmental way.”

Home is where the heart is, sure. It might also be where the volume-cranking, heavy-footed, parking spot-stealing neighbors are, seemingly just waiting to annoy you.

But even the most inconsiderate neighbors deserve empathy. Though it might be hard to remember in the heat of the moment, the people who live around you want to enjoy their space as much as you do yours. “So often, when our emotions get the best of us, we forget the humanity of it all,” says Lindsey Rae Ackerman, a marriage and family therapist and vice president of clinical services at Clear Behavioral Health in Los Angeles. That’s why she suggests approaching annoying neighbors with short, simple requests, and operating under the assumption that they didn’t know they were bothering you. “It’s amazing how far that goes,” she says.

We asked experts exactly what to say when your neighbors are ruining your peace.

“Hey, I just wanted to check in. The music last night went past midnight, and I was feeling it this morning.”

If you were up all night counting the beats in your neighbor’s music instead of tallying sheep, approach him or her when you’re well-rested, so you’re less likely to snap. Ackerman suggests phrasing your request in a collaborative way: “Do you think we could find a quiet window after 10 p.m. on weeknights so we can both get enough sleep?”

Read More: 8 Things to Say When Someone Lies to You

“It’s rooted in problem-solving,” she says. “It’s not, ‘You did this wrong,’ or, ‘You have to do this better.’” Instead, try: “I’m struggling because of something that’s happening in your space, so I’m coming to you to collaborate on solutions.” That tends to be much more effective than personal attacks or barking orders at someone—like yelling at them to turn it down at the same volume of the songs you heard all night.

“You probably don’t know this, but your dog barks for hours at a time, and I work from home. I’m curious if there are any alternatives you’d be open to considering for his care during the day?”

This is a tough one, Ackerman says, because doggie daycare is expensive—and it’s possible your neighbor’s pet is dealing with anxiety or just started a new training program. At the same time, “the noise situation is very, very difficult,” especially when you’re trying to focus or take an important call from home.

When you approach your neighbor, do so in a friendly, compassionate way; it doesn’t hurt to mention how cute Scout is before segueing into your complaint. Kindly explain how the constant barking is affecting your day, and ask if they’re open to brainstorming solutions, like arranging out-of-the-house daycare a couple times a week. 

“Preface it with, ‘Look, I get it. I understand this isn’t easy,’” Ackerman says. “‘I know I’m coming to you with a problem that’s not necessarily easy to solve.’” Then, follow through with patience as you work together to improve the situation, rather than expecting it to resolve overnight.

“Would you mind smoking in another direction? I’d really appreciate it.”

You have the right to breathe fresh, clean air—but depending on where you live, your neighbor might also be entitled to light up on their balcony or in their backyard. Give them the benefit of the doubt by acknowledging that they probably don’t realize how their habit is affecting you, and then pointing out that the smoke is drifting directly into your living room and sticking to your furniture, suggests Jeff Gardere, a professor of psychology at Touro University in New York.

Read More: How to Excel at Small Talk When You Have Social Anxiety

You could also share if you have a condition like asthma or are otherwise sensitive to smoke; vulnerability is often a strength in conflict resolution. No matter the exact words you use, “I’d deliver the request with a smile,” Gardere says, “just to show that I’m friendly and don’t mean to spoil their fun.”

“Hey, I can hear footsteps in the evenings—our building’s like that. Would you be open to rugs or maybe just keeping it lighter after 9?”

You might be convinced you live below Bigfoot—but perhaps that’s just the way sound travels in your building. Small changes like rugs are surprisingly effective, Ackerman says, and making a specific request means your neighbor doesn’t have to do any guesswork.

It’s also a good idea to make it clear you don’t think they’re at fault: “Our floors are so thin. I’m sure you could be as quiet as a mouse, and I’d still hear it.”

“That keeps it from being too personal,” she says. “You’re evening the playing field—it’s very collaborative in nature and preserves their personal dignity, since you’re not shaming them for anything.”

“I had a little surprise on my shoe as I was walking out to my car yesterday.”

Sure, it’s a generous way to describe the pile of dog poop smeared all over your Nikes. But this approach manages to frame the situation in a neutral way, without assuming your neighbor was deliberately trying to disturb you, says Larry Schooler, a professor of conflict resolution at the University of Texas at Austin.

He suggests adding: “I know it’s not easy to keep Baxter off other people’s yards. Is there something we can do to prevent another accident in the future?” Maybe, for example, you could leave some poop bags on your front porch; you might argue that you shouldn’t have to, but the extra effort may be worth it.

“I’ve noticed sometimes cars are blocking my driveway/shared spot, and it makes it hard for us to get in and out. Would it be possible to make sure that space stays clear?”

If your neighbor is driving you up the wall by blocking your driveway or taking your assigned parking spot, catch them at a neutral time—when they’re not rushing out the door to get to work, for example. Explain exactly what’s happening and then politely ask them to stop doing it, which is more effective than issuing a command, says Pamela Eyring, president of the Protocol School of Washington, which provides etiquette training programs.

Read More: How to Deal With Rude Airplane Passengers

She suggests adding: “If you ever need extra space in a pinch, let me know. I’m happy to help if I can.” Showing that you’re flexible helps turn the situation into a partnership, Eyring says, while nurturing a neighborly bond.

“This is awkward, but your windows face into my living room. Would you consider curtains or blinds so we both have some extra privacy?”

You’re reading a book or watching the news, and—oh, is that your neighbor in the nude? If you’re privy to a daily show you’d rather not see, it’s reasonable to bring it up, Gardere says.

Lighten the mood by telling your neighbor that their windows are giving you a clear view of their private space and moments—not that you’re looking. (Said with a laugh.) Gardere suggests adding: “Believe me, if my windows gave that same view, I’d be upset if you didn’t tell me.” Then suggest installing curtains (or remembering to utilize them if they’re already there).

If you can’t find the words to tell your significant other it’s over, it’s not you—it’s the fact that not much is harder to initiate than a breakup conversation.

That’s what Morgan Cope learned in her early 20s: “I would get so anxious to the point where I couldn’t physically say anything,” she recalls. Now, as an assistant professor of psychology at Centre College in Kentucky who researches breakups, she developed a framework that was both clear and compassionate in order to make it easier for people to stand their ground, rather than being coaxed into giving things another try.

The result: a five-step script she calls “the breakup butterfly” that’s informed by relationship theory and data, and that she describes as “detailed and dignified.” If you decide to use it, start preparing your partner a day (or few hours) in advance by giving them a head’s up, she advises: “Hey, I’d like to talk. I’ve been thinking about some things.” In addition to not blindsiding them, that can also hold you accountable so you actually follow through. If possible, make sure they eat beforehand, since that can help regulate emotional responses, she adds.

We asked Cope to walk us through the five steps of her breakup script—and how to apply them to your own conversations.

1. Say it out loud

How do you start a breakup conversation? By making it really clear what, exactly, is happening, Cope says. Rather than dancing around the subject and confusing your soon-to-be ex, plainly state the fact that you’re ending the relationship. Some of her favorite ways to phrase it: “I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore,” “I’ve given this a lot of reflection and thought, and I’m unable to be in this relationship anymore,” or “This relationship is no longer making me happy.”

Read More: The Worst Opening Lines to Use on Dating Apps—And What to Say Instead

“The aim is to not put blame on the person, even if it’s been tumultuous,” she says. “It’s for the sake of clarity, because sometimes people make you reject them two or three times.”

In the days leading up to The Talk, practice your opening line—to your friends, your cat, or simply in front of the mirror. That will help you become more comfortable and confident.

2. “You and I mattered”

The next part of the conversation is all about acknowledging your partner—and the relationship you shared. Cope recommends telling them: “You’ve made a real difference in my life,” or “Our relationship has meant a lot to me.”

“What you don’t want to do is make someone feel unseen or minimized, especially if it’s a longer-term relationship,” Cope says. Even if you’re calling off a situationship for your own mental health—and maybe the other person doesn’t feel the same—“at least you know you said what you felt,” she says. “That’s for you as well as for them.”

3. The clench

This is the part of the conversation when you explain exactly why you want to end the relationship. Calling it “the clench” is “inspired by how my brain and body feel when I start to actually talk about the specifics of my emotions,” Cope says. “Some people are more or less comfortable talking about these details, but it’s very important that you actually name why you don’t want to be in the relationship anymore.”

Read More: 8 Things to Say During a Fight With Your Partner

Try phrasing what you say like this: “I’m not happy because…”, “I’m not feeling fulfilled because…”, or “This is no longer working for me because…” Don’t hurl insults at your former partner, Cope cautions. Focus on providing reasons that center on your experience, not their shortcomings: You don’t get to spend enough time together; your personalities are incompatible; you envision different futures.

4. Zoom out

At this point, you’ve talked through the nitty-gritty details of your ill-fated relationship—all the reasons why it’s over. After that, “you have to kind of pull yourself, and also your partner, out of that pit and bring them to the resolution of the conversation,” Cope says. For example, you might say: “So for these reasons, I’m ending our relationship.” Or: “As you can see, this isn’t working for me.”

The idea is to transition from “these low-level details into higher level understandings,” Cope says. “It integrates those details and gets you ready to say the final thing.” It’s an important intermediary step that contextualizes the facts of the breakup, she says, and helps you prepare to conclude the conversation.

5. Open the floor

Once you’ve said everything you want to say, it’s usually a good idea to give your partner an opportunity to share what they’re thinking and feeling. (If there’s an unhealthy dynamic at play and the other person is losing their cool, you can skip this step, Cope caveats.) If you do decide to proceed, phrase your invitation like this: “Now that you know how I feel, I’d like to hear what you’re thinking.” Or: “I’m open to talking through your reaction—just know that I’ve made up my mind.”

Depending on how the conversation goes, these five steps can be a circle, rather than a linear trajectory, Cope adds: You might need to return to step one and repeat, “This relationship is no longer making me happy, and it’s done.” Sometimes people need to hear it more than once.

Read More: 11 Questions to Ask on a First Date

Your final words—the ones that get you out the door—depend on whether you ever want to talk to your ex again. If they’re clearly in shock and having a hard time processing the news, and you’re up for staying on good terms, you could say: “I feel like we’ve discussed all that we can for right now. Why don’t we meet again in three days?” Or: “Why don’t we meet again next week and talk about it?”

If you’d rather not see them again, however, that’s your right. Wrap things up by saying: “I feel like this is now unproductive,” or “I’ve said everything I can say, and I don’t have much more to communicate. I’m going to have to go.”

Every parent has been on the receiving end of a one-word answer. You ask your kid how their day was, and they generously offer that it was “fine,” “good,” or “OK.” It probably triggers your own single-word reaction, even if you don’t say it out loud: “Ugh.”

“As parents, we’re desperate for information,” says Stevi Pucket-Perez, a pediatric psychologist at Children’s Health in Dallas. “We want to know what our kids have been doing, what’s happening—we want in on their lives.”

There are ways to increase the likelihood of more meaningful conversations. For starters, move away from the idea that your kid will be ready to talk right after school, and instead focus on low-stakes, positive interactions. When your kid walks through the door, the first thing out of your mouth shouldn’t be a question, Pucket-Perez says; instead, establish a sense of connection by exclaiming, “I’m so excited to see you!” Or: “I’m so glad you’re home. I grabbed some snacks I thought you might like.”

You know your child best, so think through when they’re most likely to share. It might be after they’ve eaten, played a favorite video game, or as they’re winding down for bed. When it feels like the right time, ask specific questions in an open-ended way, and not in rapid-fire succession, Pucket-Perez advises. The payoff is worth it: Conversations that transcend the surface level “build trust and safety, so when something difficult comes up, we’re a safe space for it,” she says. “It also lets us know if there’s something where our kiddo needs intervention, where they need our support, or they need our advocacy.”

Here, experts share exactly what to ask young kids—ages Pre-K to middle school—to encourage them to open up. You don’t need to ask each on every single day; rather, think of them as a repertoire of questions you can select from based on factors like your kid’s mood and what you’re most eager to know.

“Let’s share one good thing and one not-so-great thing that happened today. I can go first.”

Think of this approach as a way to model what it looks like to talk about your day. In parent-child conversations, “it doesn’t feel like an interrogation when we go first,” Pucket-Perez says. “It feels like sharing, and that’s what we want communication and conversation to feel like.

Read More: 10 Questions to Ask Your Parents While You Still Can

There’s value in talking about uncomfortable emotions and tough parts of the day, she adds, rather than holding those in. You might also word it like this: “What was the hardest thing you did today?” By talking through challenging experiences, you can share how you navigated your own, which will provide your kid with pointers on how to work through tricky situations—without feeling like they’re being subjected to a preachy lesson. “We get a chance to do some parenting on the sly,” Pucket-Perez says.

“What are some of your classroom rules?”

Asking your kid about classroom rules helps them understand there are rules everywhere they go—and that they’re meant to be followed. “It reinforces, ‘Do you understand the rule the way it’s meant to be understood? Do we need to fill in any blanks?’” says Alejandra Galindo, a licensed marriage and family therapist with Thriveworks, which provides therapy and psychiatry services. “You can use it as a teaching moment.”

Read More: Stop Saying These 5 Things to People With Social Anxiety

Plus, if it seems like your kid is confused about a certain rule—maybe they’re misinterpreting a word their teacher used—it presents you with an opportunity to clarify with them or with the school.

“What was something fun or exciting that happened today?”

We could all use more positivity, Galindo says, and leaning into the good parts of your kid’s day helps nurture that—while letting you in on what sparks their interest. Maybe you’ll find out they’re particularly into art class or band practice, for example, or that they ran faster than anyone else in gym class.

Galindo likes that this question “helps kids focus on a strength area for themselves—maybe they did something they were very proud of,” she says. “That reinforces that self-confidence for them, too.”

“Tell me something that made you feel anxious or worried today. How did you handle it?”

This is a great way to help kids start to explore, understand, and be able to name their emotions, Galindo says. You don’t need to ask it every day, but if it seems like something is bothering them, or they’re holding back from sharing, it’s an opportunity to brainstorm healthy coping strategies together, like practicing easy deep-breathing exercises. (Her favorite: Count to three as you breathe in, hold for three, and then breathe out for three.)

Read More: The Worst Things to Say to Someone With Anxiety—And What to Say Instead

You could also dance it out together. “Imagine spaghetti before it goes into the water,” Galindo says. “It’s really stiff and firm, and then once it gets into the water, it gets noodly and loose.” Use that metaphor to encourage your kids to wiggle it all out—and make sure you’re twisting and turning alongside them.

“If you could switch places with someone in your class, who would it be?”

This question comes across as a lighthearted query, “but it also gives you a ton of information,” Pucket-Perez says. Your kid might tell you they want to swap places with a classmate who can practically do math equations in their sleep or who gets their homework done in record time. “They might say they’d switch with someone who’s really athletically gifted,” she says—or who’s more popular than they are, or who brings something special in their lunch bag every day. “However they answer is valuable,” Pucket-Perez says, and reveals important insights.

“When did you feel the most bored?”

In kid-speak, “boring” can translate to all kinds of things. “You might learn that, ‘Every time I’m in math, it’s kicking my butt,’ or ‘When we have to sit and do independent work, that’s so difficult,’” Pucket-Perez says. “Or, ‘I was alone at recess, and nobody played with me and I was bored.’” Your kid might not otherwise disclose these issues—but framing them around boredom (which is easier to talk about than, say, loneliness) can let you in on what’s really going on in their day.

“What was something kind you did or saw?”

Regularly talking about kindness can help instill important values. Plus, it’s a way to gauge how they’re treating their classmates and other people around them. The goal is to help them recognize that even if somebody’s not their friend, they still need to be respectful, Galindo says.

Read More: How to Get Your Silent Dad to Talk to You

If your son or daughter shares something they did that was particularly kind, wait a beat before telling them you’re proud of them. Instead, ask them if they’re proud of themselves. “Wait for them to answer, and then you can go in and say, ‘I’m proud of you, too,’” Galindo says. When kids learn to be proud of themselves and express that feeling, their self-confidence increases and helps them want to make positive actions a habit, she adds.

“Is there anything you’re nervous about for tomorrow?”

The answer might be no. But occasionally asking this question can help reveal what your kid really thinks about themselves and put stressful scenarios on your radar. “If they’re nervous about something, it might be because they think they’re going to mess up,” Galindo says. “It’s a great opportunity to reinforce, ‘OK, let’s walk through it. Let’s say this did happen—what could we do about it?’” That will help your kid build problem-solving tools, she says, while driving home the idea that it’s OK to make mistakes, and they don’t have to be perfect.

“What made you smile today?”

Asking your kid what made them smile or laugh is a concrete way to “ask about their joy and happiness and something that felt good that day,” Pucket-Perez says. Turn it into a silly moment: You can each take turns sharing funny stories about the day; laughing together will boost everyone’s mood, while fostering a sense of connection. 

“Is there anything from your day you want some help with?”

There’s a good chance your kid will say no. But later on, after your question has had a chance to marinate, they’ll often return. When they do come to you, resist the urge to simply tell them what to do, or declare that you’ll talk to their teacher or figure it out for them. Ask them what kind of help they’d like—maybe they just want to talk about it or brainstorm solutions so they can handle the situation on their own.

“It gives that child agency and lets them know you’re there as a resource and to help if needed, but it’s OK for them to work through it, too,” Pucket-Perez says. “I think a lot of kids are hesitant to tell their parents about problems because mom’s going to jump in, or dad’s going to call the school. Letting them know you’re a place to work through a problem, and that you trust them to work through it how they choose, opens up a lot of ways to show support.”

Talking to a narcissist—whose behavior is characterized by grandiosity, a constant need for admiration, and a lack of empathy—is the ultimate example of navigating conversational landmines. Say the wrong thing, and they’ll likely get defensive, shift the blame onto you or someone else (anyone but themselves), and try to get even by inflicting emotional pain.

That’s especially true if you utter these words: “You’re not that special.”

“There’s so much about that statement that’s so activating to a narcissist,” says Samantha Potthoff, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Beverly Hills, Calif., who works with people with narcissistic personality disorder and their family members. “It’s pointing out a flaw, which threatens their self-image. It not only challenges their own narrative and the way they view themselves, but the way they want to be seen.” Plus, she adds, it triggers “the terror of being ordinary, unseen, or emotionally insignificant.”

Here are other phrases to be wary of when speaking with a narcissist—plus tips for better communication.

“No.”

One of a narcissist’s core characteristics is entitlement, and being deprived of something they feel they’re owed threatens their sense of superiority, says Dan Jones, who runs the Dark Triad and Corporate Climate Lab at the University of Nevada, Reno, which studies the personality and environmental forces that drive the dark side of human nature.

“At work, a narcissistic coworker asking you to do their report will lash out if you say ‘no,’” Jones says. “You become the worst coworker ever.” Your colleague will loudly bemoan the fact that they have to do everything, and gripe about how they just asked for one little favor.

Read More: Gaslighting, Narcissist, and More Psychology Terms You’re Misusing

It would be better to word your response like this, he adds: “I can’t dedicate the time to it right now, and I don’t want to make you look bad.” Unlike a straightforward “no,” it “doesn’t outright threaten the narcissistic ego,” Jones says, increasing the chances of a more favorable outcome. 

“You’re wrong.”

Granted, no one likes to be told they’re wrong. But it’s especially irksome to a narcissist because it challenges their sense of authority or infallibility. “It’s an accusation, which is going to bring up defensiveness right away,” Potthoff says. “You’re implying that they’re doing something that isn’t correct, that they’re flawed, that they’re less than—and that’s going to be really triggering to someone’s ego.” As a result, they’ll likely launch into manipulation tactics, she adds, like gaslighting or stonewalling.

“It’s so cute when you try to manipulate me.”

If you’re feeling sassy—or you’ve simply had enough—you might fire back at the narcissist in your life. Maybe you even add: “Keep trying! This is entertaining for me.”

It might feel good in the moment, but it’s best to avoid this type of approach, says Nicole Herway, a therapist in Murray, Utah, who works with survivors of narcissistic abuse. “Pushing against a narcissist can put you in a dangerous position,” she says. “The worst thing you can do is mock or laugh at them,” and these words are both belittling and sarcastic. Anything that damages a narcissist’s ego makes them feel vulnerable, Herway adds, leading them to lash out and become more aggressive.

Read More: How to Break 8 Toxic Communication Habits

It’s better to act indifferent or not give any response at all, which is a strategy called “grey rocking”—so named because it requires behaving like a dull, uninteresting rock so a narcissist leaves you alone. If they try to insult you, for example—”you’re wearing that dress?”—respond with something short and non-committal, like “Hmm. I like it.” Or if they tell you that you’re blowing a situation way out of proportion, you could reply: “Hmm. OK.”

“You want to be bland and boring and have little facial reaction,” Herway says.

“No one cares.”

Narcissists need to feel important, Potthoff says—and these three words feed their fear of irrelevance. “They need to associate with important people, and they need to be important themselves,” she says. If you make a comment like “no one cares,” you’re directly challenging their inflated sense of superiority, while withholding the attention and admiration they covet. That will set off a firestorm of defensiveness, Potthoff says.

“Why can’t you just say sorry?”

On the surface, it seems like a simple, honest question. But to a narcissist, it’s a trap, says Kali Murry, a licensed clinical social worker in Long Beach, Calif. “Apologies require vulnerability and accountability,” she says, both of which narcissists tend to avoid because they threaten their carefully constructed self-image. Murry has seen this question ignite defensiveness, gaslighting, and denial of any wrongdoing. “It demands emotional labor they aren’t willing—or able—to give,” she says. “Instead of fostering repair, it usually leads to more conflict.”

What to say instead

When you’re talking to a narcissist, adjust your expectations accordingly: Your conversation partner probably lacks empathy, so you shouldn’t seek emotional validation, says Dr. Gil Lichtshein, a psychiatrist in Boca Raton, Fla. Instead, stay calm and detached, and don’t take their behavior personally—getting a reaction out of you is exactly what they’re craving. “You don’t want to fall into that trap,” he says.

Keep your tone neutral, which helps prevent the situation from escalating, and clearly state (and stick to) your boundaries. Otherwise, “you’re negatively reinforcing their behavior,” Lichtshein says. It’s also a good idea to avoid arguing over opinions or emotions—which can be twisted—and to stick to facts instead.

If you’re having trouble squeezing a word into the conversation, it can be helpful to say: “I hear that this matters a lot to you. Can we also make space for my experience?” “It lowers their defensiveness instead of heightening it,” Potthoff says. “You’re saying to them, ‘I see you, I hear you,’ so they don’t feel attacked.”

Read More: 7 Things to Say When Someone Gaslights You

You could also word it like this: “I respect your perspective, and I also have a different one I’d like to share.” The word “respect” can go a long way, Potthoff says: “Giving a little validation is really helpful to open their ears to hearing the second part of the sentence.”

Social anxiety can make any gathering feel daunting. Long before someone steps foot in a crowded party, the restaurant where they’re having a first date, or the conference room where they’re giving a speech, they’ll start replaying worst-case scenarios.

“There’s a lot of anticipation and anxiety leading up to the event,” says Charissa Chamorro, a clinical psychologist at the Icahn School of Medicine at Mount Sinai, where she co-directs the anxiety, OCD, and tics fellowship. “The person may ruminate and think over and over again about the situation, and that’s where some of these self-critical thoughts come in: ‘I’m not going to know what to say, I’m not going to know how to act, I’m not going to know what to do with my hands.’”

Once the social situation arrives—whether that means they’re surrounded by two or two dozen people—they’ll feel like there’s an “intense microscope or spotlight on them,” Chamorro says. “People often report feeling almost transparent.”

Physical symptoms can include a racing heartbeat, stomach pain, sweaty palms, and a flushed face. Mental ones include what Chamorro calls the “hallmark” of social anxiety: an intense fear of being judged. That’s where the unhelpful comments tend to come in. It might sound innocent to tell a socially anxious person “you’re overreacting” or “no one’s judging you,” Chamorro says, “but it contradicts the person’s experience and implies they’re being irrational. That person’s experience is already filled with hyper-awareness and the perception of being scrutinized, so it’s reinforcing their experience of, ‘Something is really wrong with me.’” That can backfire, leading a person to avoid social situations even more.

We asked Chamorro and other experts to share the worst things to say to someone with social anxiety—plus, what’s actually helpful.

“Just relax.”

A comment like this minimizes and invalidates what they’re experiencing. You might as well tell your friend “it’s not that bad, it’s not that serious, and you shouldn’t feel that way,” says Whitney McSparran, a licensed professional counselor with Thriveworks, which provides therapy and psychiatry services. “There’s an element of judgment that’s being communicated—and when that’s coming from your support person, you’re going to internalize it even more.”

Read More: The Worst Things to Say to Someone With Anxiety—And What to Say Instead

People with social anxiety can’t just turn their fears on and off, which is why it’s not helpful to instruct them to stop worrying. “If it was that easy, people like me wouldn’t have jobs,” McSparran says. “No one is choosing this. No one is saying, ‘I would love to feel horrible today.’ If they could make the decision to relax, they would do that.”

“It’s not that big of a deal—it’s just a party.”

Sounds breezy, but you’re really sending a message that says: “Everybody else can do this but you. You’re the problem.”

“It’s about the subtext of what’s being communicated,” McSparran says. Plus, it will make your friend feel like you’re not interested in understanding them or serving as a support system.

Instead of hyping them up in a way that sounds fake—“I think you’re great with people!”—or pretending everything is fine, meet your socially anxious friend where they’re at by validating and supporting their concerns. For example, it can be helpful to say: “I get it. It might be easy for some people, but for you, it’s torture,” suggests Dr. Sharon Batista, a psychiatrist in New York. If you’re going to an event together, reassure them: “I’ll be there to back you up,” or “You’re going to feel like a million bucks after you’ve done this.”

“If the person does the thing they’re afraid of—and competently—they’re going to feel awesome,” Batista says. Make it a point to congratulate them and let them know you’re proud of them for stepping outside their comfort zone.

“You’re so quiet!”

Applying labels like this, or prodding your friend to “just speak up,” will likely backfire. So will asking them why they don’t talk more.

“The person you’re saying that to is aware they’re quiet,” McSparran says. “They’re probably desperately hoping they’re doing a good enough job masking it for no one else to mention it. So essentially you’re saying, ‘Not only is your struggle obvious, but I have thoughts about it.’ There’s so much judgment there.”

When Chamorro works with people who have social anxiety, she reminds them that the goal isn’t to change their personality. “You can be introverted and really prize your time alone and still have meaningful social connections,” she says. “Something that can be more helpful is, ‘I know it can be hard to find the words sometimes, but you don’t have to talk. It’s great just having you here.’”

“Just be yourself.”

It seems innocuous—and even complimentary, right? But this kind of comment often stings. “It can be really challenging for a person to hear,” Chamorro says. “While it’s meant to be reassuring, it can be confusing, but also really frightening for someone with social anxiety.” That’s because one of their core fears is being judged exactly for being themselves, so being authentic doesn’t feel safe the way it might for someone else, she says.

Read More: 8 Symptoms Doctors Often Dismiss As Anxiety

Instead, focus on providing direct, specific feedback about what you appreciate about your friend—and doing it in real time, as those traits are shining. For example: “I think you’re really funny. I love your sense of humor.”

“I work with lots of people with social anxiety, and they’re often very conscientious and thoughtful and smart and funny,” Chamorro says. “That’s the feedback that people need—specific feedback about what they have to offer.”

“You just need a little liquid courage!”

People with social anxiety hear it all the time—often as their friend tries to shove a drink into their hand or lead them to the bar. “There’s this narrative that if you’re anxious, you just need to loosen up,” McSparran says. “You just need to shut your brain down a little.” Yet alcohol doesn’t reduce anxiety for everyone and could have the opposite effect.

Plus, “if you drink and feel more relaxed, then it creates this loop: ‘Oh, I need to drink—this is how I can be social. This is how it can be fun.’” That, McSparran says, can lead to potentially dangerous, maladaptive patterns of behavior.

What to say instead

It’s better to prioritize showing understanding and acceptance. When your friend is anxious, tell them you get it, McSparran suggests, and that you’re going to stick by their side. If you’re going to a party, brainstorm a plan ahead of time: “If you need a break or to leave, just text me and we can take a breather.”

Showing acceptance is essential. What you want to get across, she says, is this: “I’m not asking you to change it, I’m not judging you for it, and I’m not telling you that you need to go fix it. I’m just saying, ‘OK, you’re my friend and this is what you’re feeling, so I’m here to support you.’”

Read More: The Worst Thing to Say to Someone Who’s Depressed

When your friend’s heart is broken, you might struggle to offer words of support. What can you say to help relieve the pain of feeling abandoned, rejected, wronged, or destined to a life alone?

Choose wisely: “These words, for better or worse, stay with people,” says Natalia Juarez, a relationship coach who helps people navigate breakups. The end of a relationship is a pivotal moment that can splinter your friend’s routines, identity, and future plans, and they’ll remember the way you showed up for them even when they can no longer summon the exact tint of their ex’s eyes.

Beware of common pitfalls that might offend your friend, Juarez cautions, like glibly telling them that time heals all wounds. That kind of “toxic positivity” can “minimize their pain,” she says. And resist the temptation to tell them that the best way to get over one person is to—well, get intimately acquainted with another. “It’s insensitive,” she says, and both men and women have told her they don’t appreciate the quip. Another insulting yet common comment Juarez hears about is “at least you weren’t married,” which downplays a relationship that might have meant everything even if it wasn’t recognized by law. And remember: Broken hearts don’t get sewn back together overnight. Never ask your friend why they aren’t over the breakup yet.

We asked Juarez and other experts to share the most helpful things to say to someone going through a breakup.

“That is really big news.”

Instead of saying you’re sorry to hear about the split (it’s not your fault), open the conversation with something neutral that’s not loaded with emotion in either direction to get a sense of how your friend is doing, advises Morgan Cope, an assistant professor of psychology at Centre College in Kentucky who researches breakups.

Read More: The Worst Opening Lines to Use on Dating Apps—And What to Say Instead

You could also ask, in a caring but straightforward way, how they’re feeling about things. That way, you’re not making any assumptions. (If your friend is devastated, for example, she definitely will not appreciate you basking in glee that her terrible ex is finally out of the picture.) Once you’ve taken the temperature of the situation, Cope adds, you can tailor the way you talk about it accordingly.

“It makes sense to feel a lot of different things right now: really bad today, but maybe a little better tomorrow.”

Healing from a breakup isn’t a linear process. “You get incrementally better, but there’s volatility,” Cope says. “One day you feel really cruddy, and then the next you’re like, ‘OK, I’m getting there,’ and then you think you see their car in the street, and you have an emotional breakdown.”

Acknowledging this up-and-down pattern is better than hyping your friend up by telling them they’re never going to feel this badly again, she adds—because, realistically, they very well might.

“Congratulations!”

Not every breakup is something to mourn. Maybe your friend gained the courage to pull the plug on a relationship they knew they’d outgrown—and now, they feel a sense of relief and even pride. If that’s the case, go ahead and congratulate them. “It can be nice if they’ve been struggling for a long time, and it seems like they’re in a space to hear that,” Cope says. You can even add: “I know you must be feeling a range of emotions, but now you have the space for new and better things.”

“You did your best.”

Your friend might be agonizing over whether there’s more they could or should have done to salvage things with their ex. Put that unease at bay by reassuring them that you saw their efforts, Juarez advises. “It helps release some painful feelings, like regret,” she says. “‘Did it end too soon? Could we have tried more? Could I have loved harder?’” Such questions don’t lead anywhere, Juarez adds, and your friend will appreciate your comfort and empathy.

“What do we need to do to keep you safe?”

Leaving a relationship can be unsafe for some people, Cope points out. If your friend was in an emotionally or physically abusive relationship, she recommends telling them: “I’m so glad you’re safe now. I value your well-being, and I’m here to support you.” Perhaps you can help them think through logistical tasks, like filing for a restraining order, changing the locks on their front door, getting a new phone number, or hiring a lawyer.

“Now you have clarity.”

If your friend’s situationship is no longer a relevant situation, they might be dealing with a complicated set of emotions. Cope suggests wording what you say like this: “I know things have been uncertain with this person, and that can be really difficult. Now you have clarity, and you can move forward.”

Read More: The Worst Opening Lines to Use on Dating Apps—And What to Say Instead

Don’t assume that the dissolution of the situation isn’t painful, she adds, just because it wasn’t a full-blown partnership. Your friend probably “spent so much time ruminating and thinking and obsessing” over the other person, and filling that newly empty space in their life can be hard.

“It’s a blessing in disguise.”

In general, it’s a good idea not to badmouth your friend’s ex; reconciliations can and do happen. But sometimes, it can be helpful to get a little spicy.

Juarez still remembers that, after a broken engagement, a friend told her she had dodged a bullet. “It gave me these anchors to hold on to, even when I was second-guessing myself,” she says. She was able to pull herself out of the darkness by repeating her friend’s words and reminding herself: “This is for the best.”

“You’re not starting over; you’re starting from experience.”

This is a lovely way of reframing your friend’s breakup as a springboard into something new and fulfilling. “It helps someone see they aren’t back at square one,” says Amber Lee, a matchmaker and co-founder of the matchmaking service Select Date Society. “They’re wiser, stronger, and more self-aware than they were before.” For the high-achiever clients she works with, the idea of starting over often feels like failure, she adds, and this phrase gives them credit for their growth.

“There’s no shame in missing someone who wasn’t right for you.”

People often feel conflicted about breakups: They knew the relationship wasn’t their end game, but they still miss their ex. Validating their feelings can go a long way.

Read More: The Worst Things to Say to Someone With Anxiety—And What to Say Instead

“We can’t control what we feel,” Lee says. “Let them know they shouldn’t be ashamed—it’s OK to feel that way in this moment, and in fact, it’s probably very normal to feel that way.” Reassuring your friend can help remove guilt and make space for grief, Lee says, without encouraging them to act on their feelings or go back to their ex.

“It didn’t work out because it wasn’t the right fit, not because you’re not enough.”

Self-blame is common after a breakup. Reassuring your friend that they are worthy can help shift their inner narrative from one of personal inadequacy to mutual mismatch. “It reduces shame and invites curiosity instead of self-criticism,” Lee says. “All relationships have to be a mutual fit, and if it wasn’t, then it’s not your person—and it has nothing to do with not being good enough.”

“Let’s go to the movies or hang out at the park.”

If your friend loves a certain activity, try to lift their spirits by making plans to do it together, says Jan Miller, a psychologist with Thriveworks, which provides therapy and psychiatry services. Often, when people leave their home to do things—even if they don’t initially feel like it—it ends up improving their mood. “It’s not going to make the pain go away,” she says, “but it can be a good, healthy distraction.”

“This breakup isn’t happening to you. It’s happening for you.”

About a year after Juarez’s engagement ended, she heard these words—and wished someone had said them to her when she needed them the most. The simple reframe “gives you hope,” she says. “It’s a paradigm shift.” She thinks of it as a more palatable way of telling someone to “trust the process,” than, for example, the overly cliche “everything happens for a reason.”

“We can spend time together without talking, if you want.”