Tag: Time to Talk

You’ve seen the signs for months: the spiraling texts, the ill-timed meltdowns, the same painful story on repeat. You care about this person. You’re exhausted by this person. And you’re starting to wonder: Can you tell them they need therapy?

The short answer is “yes,” experts agree. But the delivery makes all the difference. “It needs to happen in a very gentle and vulnerable way,” says Melissa Gluck, a psychologist in New York whose clients often ask her how to suggest that their boyfriend, best friend, or mom go to therapy. “Your vulnerability is the greatest asset you have when you’re trying to encourage someone else to be vulnerable.”

We asked experts how to suggest that your loved one try therapy without pushing them away.

Setting expectations

Almost anyone could benefit from seeing a therapist, but certain signs suggest it’s time to move from “maybe someday” to “sooner rather than later.” If your friend or family member is struggling to keep up with daily responsibilities, constantly ruminating about relationship issues, or expressing a sense of hopelessness, consider bringing it up, says Francesca Emma, a therapist in New York. The same is true if you’ve noticed a consistent shift in mood. “It’s not just having a bad day. When you see someone you love with either a really anxious mood shift or a depressing mood shift,” it’s time to urge them to seek help, she says.

Some people—especially those in older generations—aren’t sure what therapy entails; or, they picture a Freudian-like scene featuring a patient stretched out on a leather couch while a silent analyst takes notes. It can be helpful to explain exactly what to expect. Therapy isn’t just about talking through feelings; rather, it often centers on practical skill-building. Therapists teach their clients how to set boundaries, express their needs clearly, navigate conflict, recognize unhealthy dynamics, repair after disagreements, and much more. “We’re not fixing you,” Emma says. “We’re helping make you a better version of yourself.”

Read More: The Worst Things to Say to Someone With OCD—and What to Say Instead

Your friend might protest that they already have people to talk to—hello, aren’t they in conversation with you? When that happens, remind them that having supportive friends isn’t the same as having professional support. “Therapy isn’t the place where you’re just venting about all the things that are wrong,” Gluck says. While she’s happy to listen to people blow off steam when they need to, therapy is so much more than letting it all out to a sympathetic ear. “It’s about having a space where you have someone who’s in the driver’s seat who’s going to help guide you through whatever problem you’re going through, and help shift your perspective,” she says. “They’re going to ask you meaningful questions. They’re going to challenge you when you’re feeling really resistant, and they’re going to push you to get out of your comfort zone and grow.”

Finding the right words

When you approach your friend or family member, keep your tone casual yet straightforward. Gluck suggests wording your initial check-in like this: “Hey, I feel like we’ve been talking about X, Y, and Z a lot, and I’ve noticed you’re really struggling. I’ve struggled like this in the past, and I tried therapy and it’s really helped. Would you want to explore that?”

The more you open up about your own experience with therapy, the better, Gluck says. You don’t need to reveal the nitty-gritty of what your sessions focus on, but a bit of personal context can go a long way toward easing their resistance. For example: “I thought it would be scary, too, and it actually isn’t.” 

If you feel like your partner could benefit from therapy—and you’re having a tough time in your relationship because they’re not working on themselves—it can help to explain how their stress is affecting you, too. Gluck suggests leading with empathy: “You’ve been dealing with all that stuff with your family, and I’m feeling like it’s taking away from our relationship. That’s making me scared and sad. You know how much I love you and want to be with you, and it’s really important to me that you take care of yourself and have a space outside of our relationship to talk about this.”

Read More: The Worst Thing to Say to Someone Who’s Depressed

No matter which exact words you choose, focusing on “I” statements is key, Emma stresses. For example, you might say: “I hear what you’re saying right now, and it sounds really difficult. I think a therapist might be able to help with that.”

“You” statements, on the other hand—“You need help”—rarely land well. “The minute we use that word, it takes on more of a defensive nature,” she says. “To someone who can’t handle constructive criticism, it feels as though there’s something wrong with them, or they did something wrong.”

There are other harmful comments to avoid, too. “You definitely don’t want to say, ‘You’re crazy,’ or ‘You’re never going to get better if you don’t get therapy,’” Emma says. Ultimatums and threats don’t work. They’ll only drive the person you care about deeper into defensiveness.

When to drop it

In order to benefit from therapy, somebody has to want to be there. Gluck has had plenty of clients shuffle into her office because their parents or romantic partner pressured them to make an appointment, yet they weren’t actually open to the idea. “If you’re not invested, you’re not going to get anything out of it,” she says. “Don’t force anyone.”

If your friend is adamant that therapy won’t help them, Emma suggests letting the conversation go. “You put it out there and let it simmer, because if you continue to go back and forth, it’s like you’re the expert in something,” she says. “We are not the expert in someone else’s life.”

Gluck, meanwhile, is partial to this phrasing when someone resists: “I totally get that—I used to feel the same way. Sometimes it’s nice to have a third party, but if you’re really not interested right now, I’ll drop it.” Or you could keep it short and sweet: “No worries, it was just a suggestion.”

Read More: Stop Saying These 5 Things to People With Social Anxiety

If a few weeks or months pass, and your loved one is still struggling, it’s OK to try again. Gluck recommends bringing it up like this: “I know we talked about therapy a couple months ago. It sounds like whatever you’re going through is still really intense, and I think it’s time we figure out a plan, because you shouldn’t have to live like this.”

“It’s all coming from, ‘This isn’t fair to you to be living with your head like this,’” she says. “There could be another path.”

When and where to bring it up

You don’t need to wait for the perfect environment to start talking about therapy. Whenever and wherever the topic comes up organically or feels natural is best. “As mental-health professionals, we’re really pushing toward destigmatizing therapy,” Gluck says. She wants more people to normalize mental-health care as part of everyday life. “If you’re at dinner and someone’s talking, you could just be like, ‘Hey, have you thought about therapy? I feel like you would really like it,’” she says.

If you dramatically pull someone aside, on the other hand, and tell them you need to have a talk, they’ll probably be freaked out by your serious tone—and are less likely to respond well to your suggestion. It risks turning a supportive nudge into a confrontation.

From childhood, honesty is framed as a moral north star. Tell the truth. Don’t lie. Say what you mean, no matter the cost. But adult relationships quickly expose the limits of that lesson. Instead of building closeness, some truths erode it—especially when honesty is delivered without care, context, or concern for the person on the receiving end.

“When honesty is just a mic drop, it doesn’t facilitate connection. It’s just someone monologuing at the other person,” says Jennifer C. Veilleux, a professor of clinical psychology at the University of Arkansas, Fayetteville, who studies emotion. Imagine, for example, that a woman tells her husband she’s happier when he’s not around. “That is honest, but it feels like an arrow to the soul—and it’s hard not to take that really personally and get dejected by those honest feelings,” Veilleux says. “People struggle hearing honesty from their partner, especially in relationships that are a little bit rocky already.”

We asked experts when honesty helps—and when it harms.

When honesty isn’t welcome

Trust is the No. 1 ingredient to a healthy relationship, says Dr. Terri Orbuch, a sociology professor at Oakland University and a research professor at the University of Michigan’s Institute for Social Research, where she directed one of the longest-running studies of married couples in the U.S. You can’t have trust without honesty—yet some nuance is required. Your partner also has to have your best interests at heart, she says.

“You have to do the weighing act, thinking about how important the information is to your partner and your relationship,” Orbuch says. From there, “it’s how you say it and what you say. It’s thinking about the impact on the other person, and how it will make them feel. And that’s a learned skill.”

There’s a difference between meaningful honesty and unbridled self-expression, says Kate Engler, a marriage and family therapist in Evanston, Ill. Honesty rooted in a genuine place “usually, if not always, involves some level of self-reflection, vulnerability, and the goal of improving, deepening, or repairing the relationship,” she says. The problematic kind, on the other hand, is typically “some form of venting, driven by dysregulated or reactive emotions, and is harsh or retaliatory.”

Read More: Are You Gaslighting Yourself? Here’s How to Tell

Veilleux thinks of the struggling couples she works with as two medieval castles that have been at war for a long time. Sometimes, one person might decide that because their kingdom has been under attack, they’re going to weaponize their honesty, hoping it takes out the other side. That tactic might take the form of an honest but cutting and unnecessary remark. “A lot of people have this tit-for-tat attitude, like, ‘Well, you hurt me, so I’m going to hurt you back,’” she says.

Other times, however, people are simply oblivious about how their honesty will land. “They don’t know that they’re hitting on someone else’s emotional sensitivity, and that the honest thing they’re saying is going to be hurtful to the other person,” Veilleux says. “It’s not always intentional, but sometimes it is.”

How it causes harm

No-filter honesty can cause deep hurt and shame. It also diminishes connection and trust in a relationship. “Why would someone want to be vulnerable or open with a person who weaponizes honesty?” Engler says. “It would be unwise to do so.” 

Engler points to Gottman’s Four Horsemen—criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—identified by psychologists John and Julie Gottman to describe what they call the four destructive communication patterns that often cause a relationship to break down. Contempt, criticism, and defensiveness go hand-in-hand with harsh honesty, she says. “Those things will wear somebody down to the point that they’re ready to leave,” she says. “You really can’t underestimate the damage they can do.”

Read More: 7 Polite Phrases That Are Still Worth Saying

Blunt-force honesty isn’t good for the person being honest in a harmful way, either, Engler adds: It keeps them from getting what they need in a relationship, and creates a dynamic in which that’s the norm.

What to do when you hear it

If you’re on the receiving end of harshness dressed up as honesty, there are ways to stick up for yourself.

“One thing I tell people is to acknowledge the hurt in the moment, even by saying, ‘Ouch,’” Veilleux says. “It’s a simple little statement,” but it helps the other person understand the impact of their words. Plus, you can gauge their reaction: If they say, “Oh, yikes, I didn’t mean that,” that opens the door to a productive conversation. But if they come back with, “Well, yeah, because you hurt me first,” that’s telling, too. “Are they trying to take power?” Veilleux says. “Or are they able to receive the insight that they hurt someone unintentionally?”

Engler recommends calmly telling your partner that you’re open to hearing their feedback—but not in that way. Let them know that when they’re ready to have an actual discussion, you will be, too.

How to be honest in a tactful way

If you’re considering withholding the truth, Orbuch suggests asking yourself: “What’s the reason for being dishonest? Is it because it protects you and makes you feel better or look better, or is it because you’re protecting or thinking about your partner?”

If you have a bank account you never mentioned to your wife, for example, you’re being dishonest by concealing it. “That leads to betrayal and distrust,” Orbuch says, and you need to come clean. If you think another person in the restaurant where you’re having dinner is attractive, on the other hand—but would never act on it—bringing it up would likely feel unkind. “That’s protecting your partner,” she says. “It’s editing information, and omitting non-important information that’s only going to hurt them.”

When it becomes clear you need to tell the truth, there are compassionate ways to do so. 

For example, it’s helpful to frame what you say as opinion, not fact, Veilleux says. You could use phrases like these: “From my perspective,” “My impression is,” or “Well, my take is…”

“That takes ownership of the thought,” she says. “Like, ‘It’s my thought, it’s not a fact, and you can disagree with it, and that’s OK.’”

Read More: 12 Communication Habits to Ditch in 2026

The most effective honesty is buffered, not blunt, experts agree. For example, if your husband said something to one of your kids that you didn’t like, don’t lash out: “You’re a terrible parent!” Instead, Engler suggests, preface your honest feedback with something positive: “First, I want you to know you’re such an amazing dad.” Then, ask him if he’s open to a little feedback. “It’s such a small thing, but you establish buy-in from someone when you do that, and you’re setting the stage to say, ‘I’m about to say something that might be hard to hear.’” That’s better than simply dumping on them, she says, which is more in line with unbridled self-expression.

Four words have echoed across every boardroom, dating app, and city street in the world: You should smile more.

Anastasia Ryan has heard it her whole life, but perhaps never more than in a role where the people she was speaking to couldn’t see her at all. “The majority of what I did was over the phone, and I still had my supervisor coming through and making gestures that I needed to smile while on a call,” she says. “And then eventually, I was told that my facial expressions weren’t appropriate in the office.”

After being let go, Ryan channelled her rage into a novel called You Should Smile More, a workplace revenge fantasy about a telemarketer who’s fired for her neutral expression. Through its protagonist, Ryan was able to say all the things she wished she’d been able to say when those smile directives were lobbed at her.

The same remarks might have inspired a rewarding career turn, but that doesn’t negate the damage they caused. “It is absolutely infuriating because it’s being singled out for your appearance and for the way you’re presenting yourself, in a way that’s not equal across gender standards,” she says. “It’s frustrating because we’re so much more than that.”

Why it happens

People (usually men) have been advising other people (almost always women) to smile more for as long as anyone can remember. “Men feel that it’s OK, if not entirely required, to tell women to smile, which is a really interesting assumption,” says Marianne LaFrance, an emerita professor of psychology and of women’s, gender, and sexuality studies at Yale University, and author of Why Smile? The Science Behind Facial Expressions. “The gender status quo is that women should smile more.”

That stems largely from a sense of entitlement, she says. “Men laugh it off, as though it’s a male prerogative to tell a woman what to do with her body,” LaFrance says. People in certain industries, like health care workers and service workers, are especially likely to be told that “they need to constantly display their femininity. And one of the best ways to do that is to smile.”

Read More: 15 Things to Say When Someone Comments on Your Weight

Another reason people deploy this line is because they feel uncomfortable when someone else’s face isn’t easy to read. Neutral expressions can be unsettling to people who expect emotional reassurance. “It’s less about me, and it’s all about your comfort, because you want to see me smile,” says Minda Harts, an assistant professor at NYU’s Wagner Graduate School of Public Service and author of Talk to Me Nice: The Seven Trust Languages For A Better Workplace. “It’s not about me being joyful.”

Comments like these do more than create momentary discomfort. They send a subtle signal about whose feelings matter—and whose don’t. “Being told to smile sends a message that ‘you’re inconveniencing me,’ and over time, that erodes trust—not just with others, but with ourselves,” Harts says. “I used to internalize when people would say, ‘Oh, you need to smile more,’ and I’m like, ‘Is there something wrong with me? What’s going on with my face?’”

When saying nothing says enough

Figuring out how to respond when someone tells you to smile more can be complicated. The truth is, experts agree, that it’s not always practical to respond the way you’d like to.

It’s sometimes easiest to address the comment nonverbally. Some people opt to just flash a smile, because they want the interaction to end quickly. “They feel awful for having done it, but they feel that they have no choice,” LaFrance says. “Unfortunately, it reduces the woman in some small way. She’s been caught not being appropriately feminine.”

Another option is to remain stoic and hold your expression, letting your eyes do the work of signaling that the request isn’t welcome. Or you could do what LaFrance defaults to: offer a fake smile. “We all have a bunch of those, and it sort of looks like the smile is plastered on the face and it’s held too long—because the key to a genuine smile is that they’re very brief,” she says. 

Will the person on the receiving end be able to tell? “It depends how good the fake is,” LaFrance says. “There are fakes that look like the real thing, and then there are fakes that look like it’s a satire. It’s a put on. It conveys a, ‘You want one? I’ll show you one’ sort of attitude.”

That’s almost irrelevant, though, LaFrance adds. What matters is the way it lands internally. “I know that what I’m doing inside isn’t obeying the premise that he gets to call me out on something,” she says, “but that I get to decide in what form.”

Redirecting without rewarding the comment

Different scenarios call for different responses. Say a family member or someone else with good intentions phrases their remark like this: “You seem so serious lately—you should smile more.” It can work well to acknowledge their intent without changing your behavior, says Tatiana Teppoeva, founder and CEO of One Nonverbal Ecosystem, an organization that teaches business leaders how to decode nonverbal behavior, communication patterns, and personality dynamics. You might say, “Thank you for caring,” or “I appreciate you checking in.” You’re validating their intentions, she says, without accepting the idea that your expression needs correction.

When people tell their colleagues to smile more, it’s often an attempt to redirect attention, minimize authority, or interrupt momentum, Teppoeva says. For example, you might be making a point in a meeting when someone interjects: “You’d come across better if you smiled more,” shifting focus away from whatever you were saying. In that case, neutral redirection or ignoring the comment entirely usually works best. You can continue your point without responding or calmly redirect: “Let’s stay on topic.” “Engaging emotionally or defensively reinforces the power move,” Teppoeva says. Continuing calmly, on the other hand, “signals authority and shows that your presence doesn’t require external approval.”

Or consider this scenario: A colleague instructs you to smile more because it helps other people feel more at ease. Teppoeva suggests light acknowledgement without commitment: “That’s an interesting perspective,” or “I’ll think about it.”

Occasionally, when she was still working in an office, Ryan would respond to comments suggesting she smile more like this: “Would you say that to a man?” You could even follow up with something like this, she adds: “It’s not your job to provide me with any sort of feedback on my appearance.”

Read More: Can I Ask Someone if They’re on Ozempic?

Though LaFrance prefers to respond nonverbally, she can think of a few effective comebacks. One of her favorites: “I will if you will.” Or, if you’re walking down the street and someone shouts at you—“Come on, honey, I want to see you smile”—you could say: “I wouldn’t if I were you, because it’s not pretty.”

Some people feel best keeping their response light and defusing the tension with humor. You could make a joke like this, Harts says: “Smiling costs extra.” Another favorite: “I save my feelings for after meetings.”

Couples ask each other countless questions over the course of a day, a year, an entire relationship. Many are trivial: Chinese or Thai for dinner? Need anything from the store? Few probe how each person is actually feeling.

Yet taking the time to ask thoughtful, intentional questions can deepen connection. Laura Todd, a therapist in Silicon Valley, thinks of relationships as vines that either grow together or apart; the goal is for them to intertwine so they become stronger and fuller. “Just because you’ve been together for a long time doesn’t mean that the vines always grow together,” she says. “You have to be mindful of making sure they don’t start growing apart, and part of that is asking really deep questions or having really meaningful conversations that continue to strengthen that relationship.”

We asked experts which single question they recommend starting with.

A deceptively simple check-in

The No. 1 question Todd recommends couples ask each other is a simple way to take the temperature of where they stand: “If you could describe our relationship in three words, what would they be and why?”

“It gives a really quick summary snapshot of where you and your partner are at emotionally,” she says. “We don’t always know how to verbalize what we’re feeling or thinking—we just know that something’s off, or maybe some things are good.”

Articulating your feelings in just three words—rather than jumping straight into a long, emotionally charged conversation—can make it easier to open a conversation about what’s working and what isn’t. Todd recommends doing this low-pressure check-in once a year, or more often in difficult seasons, like when you’re navigating a major change. “You’re encouraging that open dialogue without feeling threatening, or like it’s attacking anybody or you’re trying to do a ‘gotcha’ moment,” she says. “You can bring it up any time and just be like, ‘How are things going? Are we feeling aligned right now, or are we not feeling aligned?’”

Read More: 11 Questions to Ask on a First Date

When Todd’s clients do this exercise, they report hearing a range of words: disconnected, heavy, supportive, pressure, caring, connected. If it’s clear you need to talk something through, aim to follow up as soon as you have the space and time to do so, she says. If it’s 9 p.m. and you’re both exhausted, it’s probably a good idea to save the conversation until another day. Consider, too, whether you’ve both had the opportunity to digest the words you shared with each other.

When you start talking, aim to use “I” statements and make it clear you’re open to feedback. “It’s so easy to take things personally and to be accusatory and be like, ‘You did this, you did that,’” Todd says. “At the end of the day in a relationship, you want to be able to meet each other’s needs, but in order to understand what the other person’s needs are, you need to communicate that to that person, and they need to hear it.”

A bonus question

Another question can help you build on what you’ve already learned from your partner: “I love the life we have together—but what do you want more of?” 

It often helps people realize that, even if they’re generally content, there are still things they’d like to do that they’re afraid to bring up. “There’s a hesitation around asking for what you really, really want, and there’s a possibility that your partner could let you down,” says April Lancit, an  assistant professor of marriage and family therapy at La Salle University in Philadelphia. Yet it’s better to ask than to keep your feelings quiet and risk feeling regretful and resentful down the road.

Some of the couples Lancit works with have told each other they’d like to be more spontaneous, go on special trips together, try new restaurants, have more conversations, or simply sleep in and watch Netflix on a Sunday morning instead of sticking to a tight schedule. “It’s a wonderful thing to be able to explore,” she says, “especially if you’ve gotten a little stagnant and are used to the monotony of what you’ve been doing.”

Weight loss now comes with a silent asterisk. When bodies change quickly or noticeably, assumptions often follow—and so does the desire to ask one potentially fraught question: Did medication play a role?

GLP-1 drugs like Ozempic and Wegovy are testing the boundaries of body talk, leaving many unsure what’s fair or polite to ask, experts say. Here’s how to navigate these conversations.

Consider your intentions

Dr. Whitney Casares, a pediatrician in Portland, still remembers the time an acquaintance whispered those four loaded words: “Are you taking Ozempic?” Casares was, in fact, on a GLP-1 medication, but she wasn’t broadcasting the news to people on the periphery of her life.

“I could tell, by the way she was saying it, that it was like, ‘We’ve all been talking about you, and I’m the designated person who was sent over to find out all the deets,’” she says. “That felt terrible, because it wasn’t someone I was close with, and it wasn’t someone who was disclosing anything about their own journey. They just asked me point-blank about my own.”

Read More: 15 Things to Say When Someone Comments on Your Weight

Before even considering such a conversation, ask yourself why you want to know, Casares advises. “Are you asking because you feel jealous of that person?” she says. “Are you asking because you also want to go on a GLP-1, or are you asking because you’re nosy and need to know what’s going on in everybody else’s life?”

Why you’re asking is the most crucial factor in figuring out what’s OK to say, agrees Rachel Goldman, a psychologist and clinical assistant professor in the department of psychiatry at NYU Grossman School of Medicine. If you’re asking because you’re trying to figure out if a GLP-1 makes sense for you, “I think it’s OK,” she says. “But if you’re just asking because you’re curious, you don’t need to know.”

The way you phrase it makes a difference

If you’re truly trying to understand and learn from somebody’s experience, make that clear from the onset. Aim to be mindful, compassionate, and respectful, Goldman says, and open the conversation in a kind, non-assuming way. 

You might phrase it like this, for example: “I’ve noticed you’ve been making some healthier choices. I’ve been thinking about starting a GLP-1, and I’m wondering if you’ve thought about it.” That gives the other person an out—they can easily brush off or shut down the conversation if they’d rather not get into it.

If you know for certain someone is taking weight-loss medication, Goldman adds, you could broach it like this: “I’ve been struggling with my weight. Would you be open to a conversation about your experience?” That way, “You’re already showing that vulnerability on your side, which then creates a safer space for the other person to open up if they want to,” she says.

Read More: No One Knows How to Talk About Weight Loss Anymore

Tone matters, and curiosity always trumps judgment. Revealing that you’re asking for a personal reason “is so different to me than someone coming up and saying, ‘Are you on a GLP-1?’ with this smirk or with this air of, ‘It would be shameful if you were,’” Casares says.

If someone has been transparent about their journey with GLP-1s, it’s OK to ask specific follow-up questions, she adds. One caveat, though: Don’t bring up the subject loudly or in front of other people. “This should be a private conversation where people don’t feel like they’re backed into a corner and they have to either lie or disclose something they don’t feel comfortable disclosing,” Casares says.

What to say if you’re on the receiving end

Casares is pushing herself to be more open about her GLP-1 usage, in part to help chip away at the shame and stigma that’s sometimes shrouded her experience with the medication. She’s found that people typically start the conversation like this: “Wow, you look great! I didn’t even recognize you.”

“When that happens, I usually come back with, ‘Yeah, I’ve been taking a GLP-1, and it’s going so well. I love it.’ I try to say that as upfront as possible,” she says. If she can tell by the look in their eyes that they want to know more, she follows up like this: “I’ve had a lot of people who’ve asked me a lot of questions about GLP1s because they’re interested in them. I’m an open book. If you’re interested, I can tell you all about them.”

Read More: Is Giving ChatGPT Health Your Medical Records a Good Idea?

Of course, not everyone wants to make their private health information public—and you’re under no obligation to do so. Goldman regularly helps her clients come up with sample scripts of what to say when somebody asks them if they’re on a GLP-1, because many feel caught off-guard when it happens and don’t want to share.

Many have reported success shutting down the conversation with lines like these: “I’m making healthier choices. I’m going to the gym. I’m being mindful of what I’m eating, or I’m working with a health care professional.”

Early in Kip Williams’ career as a social psychologist, he was at the park with his dog in Des Moines, Iowa, when a flying disc landed on his blanket. The guys it belonged to were clearly waiting for it, so Williams stood up and tossed it to them. To his surprise, as he prepared to sit down, they threw it back to him. “Suddenly I was part of a three-person toss,” he says. “We didn’t speak to each other or anything; we were just throwing it around. A couple minutes went by, and then, for reasons I still don’t know to this day, they stopped throwing it to me.”

As Williams settled back onto his blanket to pet his dog, he recalls feeling awkward and hurt. “They weren’t important to me in my life, but it was a powerful feeling,” he says, which inspired him to replicate the experience in his lab. Now a distinguished professor emeritus in the department of psychological sciences at Purdue University, Williams has spent decades studying social exclusion and rejection. His research suggests that when people are ostracized—even by strangers—it negatively affects their sense of belonging, control, and  self-esteem, as well as their overall mood. “It’s a very primitive response—it doesn’t take much for it to impact us in big ways,” he says. “Only two minutes of [exclusion] by strangers is sufficient to have a very large effect.”

Being excluded by the people you consider your closest friends hits even harder. We asked experts what to do when your friends leave you out—and how to address it in a clear but compassionate way.

Don’t jump to conclusions

People tend to make assumptions in friendships: She’s not talking to me because of this; he must be mad at me; they don’t want me around anymore. In reality, there are many possible reasons why you’re feeling left out of your friend group. “Think of all the different kinds of dynamics that can shift a friendship,” says Victoria Smith, a therapist in Los Angeles. Distance can play a role, like when high-school friends scatter across the country. If someone’s political or religious beliefs change, that can matter, too. 

Not to mention: Busy schedules, new romantic partners, caregiving responsibilities, or even mental-health struggles can alter how much energy someone has for group plans. Sometimes what feels like rejection is really a mismatch in timing, priorities, or communication styles, says Gabriella Azzam-Forni, a clinical psychologist whose clients often come to her with friend-group troubles. “The other person or people involved might be going through their own stuff,” she adds. “We tend to personalize it, like, ‘I must have done something,’ vs. ‘Maybe they’re going through something.’”

Consult another friend

You don’t need to bad-mouth your other friends about the friend who “forgot” to invite you to brunch two weekends in a row. But it can be helpful to approach a neutral third-party like this: “I’m feeling a little distance from Amanda. Is that something you’re feeling too?”

Read More: The One Word That Can Destroy a Friendship

“If they say, ‘No, we haven’t seen it,’ you can take a moment to pause and go, ‘Maybe this was a one-off. Let me just sit with it for a while longer,’” Smith says. If they say yes, on the other hand, it can be reassuring to know you’re not alone in noticing the change, which may make the situation feel less personal and confusing. That’s helpful information, as long as you’re seeking perspective over gossip, she adds.

Bring it up without blame

If feeling left out turns into a pattern—as opposed to a one-off incident—it makes sense to approach your friends about it. Azzam-Forni likes these low-pressure conversation starters, which open the door to honesty without putting the other person on the defensive:

• “I’ve been feeling a little left out lately and wanted to check in rather than make assumptions.”
• “This feels a bit vulnerable to say, but I feel like something’s been off between us—can we talk about it?”
• “I really value our friendship and love spending time together, and I’ve noticed things feel different lately. Do you feel that too?”
• “I’d love to be included when plans are coming together.”
• “I’ve noticed I’m sometimes out of the loop in the group chat, and I wanted to flag it—being included means a lot to me.”

These are all thoughtful ways of naming the issue without turning it into a confrontation, she adds. They make it clear you value the relationship, while leaving space for the other person to share their perspective.

Pay attention to how your friends respond

People in every type of relationship will inevitably have disagreements. The way you work through the discomfort is telling, Azzam-Forni says. For example, if you get vulnerable with your friend about feeling left out, it’s possible she could attack you or blow you off. She might respond like this: “I don’t get why you’re making such a big deal about this,” refusing to engage in a productive conversation. 

“In a healthy friendship, we’re able to bring these things to our people, and they’re able to respond in a healthy way,” Azzam-Forni says. “We can have these conversations, which will actually make the relationship even stronger over the long run.”

Read More: How to Know if Your Friendship Is Toxic—and What to Do About It

If your friends continue to pull away, even after you’ve told them you feel left out, consider it your answer—though not the one you hoped for. While you can continue to care about them, it’s usually best not to make them your top priority, Smith says.

She suggests setting a boundary. If you feel like you’re the one always having to initiate plans, and your friends never reciprocate, for example, you might decide: “I’m not getting what I’m needing from this friendship, so I’m going to reach out to somebody else and see if they’re free. I’m not going to constantly pursue anyone if I’m not getting my own needs met.”

Give yourself grace

As part of Williams’ research, he’s had people undergo fMRI scans while playing a virtual ball-tossing game in which they were ultimately excluded. The result: “Ostracism activates the same pain regions of the brain that are activated when you put your hand on a flame or in ice-cold water, or you hurt yourself in some physical way,” he says. “We suffer psychologically and physically.”

Not everyone suffers to the same extent from this pain: factors like personality and culture determine how you cope, Williams adds. Still, people tend to initially react in a few different ways. Some try to make themselves more likeable, going along with whatever their group wants or says in an effort to fit back in, and apologizing often—even if they’re not sure why. Others become angry and retaliate against their former friends. Or they might isolate themselves in hopes of preventing any future rejection or exclusion.

Your group chat probably seemed like a good idea at first. But now, your phone won’t stop buzzing. The memes are piling up, your college roommate is making off-color jokes, the side conversations are multiplying, people are talking politics, and somehow you’re being asked to weigh in on brunch plans for a city you no longer live in.

You want out. But how? It’s complicated, experts say.

“On some level, we all expect that what we’ll get back from a text exchange is a sense of belonging, but that’s not always what happens, especially in a group chat,” says Patrick Walden, a therapist in Philadelphia. “Group chats can recreate family dynamics: People start asking, ‘What’s my role here? Where do I belong? Is my voice valued? Why did he get the ‘haha’ reaction and I didn’t?’”

Ideally, when a notification pops up on your phone, you’ll feel open, curious, and energized, Walden says. If getting a text makes you physically recoil—or feel tense and full of dread and resentment—it may be time to bow out. We asked experts exactly how to approach your departure.

The problem with group chats

There are a variety of reasons why group texting threads are so fraught. When you interact with people digitally, you miss out on important cues, or signals that give you a feel for how people are perceiving what you’re saying.

“If you’re talking to a group of people at a party, you have a pretty good idea of who else is trying to get those people’s attention and how they’re behaving with each other and the kinds of things that are appropriate to say in that context,” says Jeremy Birnholtz, a professor in the school of communication at Northwestern University, who researches human-computer interaction issues. “But when you’re in a group chat online, you don’t know how many other chats your friends are part of, how many notifications they’re getting, or how long it should take you to respond.”

Read More: How to Know if Your Friendship Is Toxic—and What to Do About It

Are your friends rolling their eyes at receiving yet another cat video? Did that joke land as well as you thought it did? Who knows! “You just don’t have a good understanding of other people’s expectations based on the information that’s available,” Birnholtz says. “There could very easily be disagreements over, ‘Why don’t you reply when I send things?’ Or, ‘Oh my God, why do you guys send so many messages to this chat?’”

For some people, it’s too much. That’s why Yovanna Madhere, a therapist in Atlanta, suggests getting in the habit of reflecting on your capacity before accepting every invitation to join a group chat. Get a sense of who’s in the chat, how active it is, and whether its purpose is to plan future get-togethers, talk about work or politics, share TV recommendations, or something else entirely. “We often use group chats as a way to connect with folks, but sometimes we have buyer’s remorse once we’re actually in the chat,” she says. “You’re like, ‘This is not what I wanted.’ If you ask some empowering questions upfront, you can determine whether or not this particular group chat is going to be best suited for you, your time, and your communication style.”

Alternatives to ditching the group

In some cases, there’s no need to outright leave your group chat. Instead, find “social workarounds” that allow you to pay less attention while still catching the most important messages, Birnholtz suggests. “There are a lot of ways to duck out of receiving notifications or reading the messages,” he says, like putting the group (or certain members) on mute. “You can look at it once a week and just see what’s up without having to dramatically make an exit.”

Read More: 8 Ways to Become a Nicer Person

Or, ask one close friend to ping you separately if something pressing was shared—that way, you can selectively tune in. “If you’ve got a friend who you can make your filter because you know they’re watching the messages, and you know they’ll have a good idea of what’s important, that’s a great strategy,” Birnholtz says.

Hold the group accountable

John Sovec, a therapist in Pasadena, Calif., keeps up with friends from elementary school via a group chat. It goes through highs and lows: Right now, it’s all about football; sometimes it gets political or turns into a recipe-swapping thread. “What I’ve learned over time is to just let it ebb and flow, because there have been times where it’s like, ‘Oh, that really doesn’t feel comfortable for me,’” he says. “But we’ve been together long enough that I move on, and in that process of not being offended by it, then the next week I see a really cool recipe for making ramen.”

Read More: The One Word That Can Destroy a Friendship

Occasionally, however, Sovec feels compelled to speak up. When one friend recently made an off-putting joke, he lightly called them out: “Hey, this may be a step too far.” The person who had posted it then called him and apologized for not realizing they had crossed a line. “We did a really great repair,” Sovec says. “Groups repair surprisingly well if we trust them.”

If you decide to leave, should you announce your departure?

If you’re dipping out of a group chat that includes every other member of your high-school graduating class, you can do so without notice—chances are, no one will even realize you’re gone. If you’re leaving a small, intimate group, however, you should acknowledge your exit to your friends.

Experts say the most graceful exits are brief, non-accusatory, and focused on your own needs—not the group’s behavior. Sovec and Walden suggests building off these lines:

The wrong question can sour the whole mood of a gathering with family or friends. Some questions are boring or intrusive or too ambiguous; others are meant to provoke—or are asked with no real interest in an answer.

And then there are those that hit it out of the park, lighting up the place and bringing everyone in it together.

“A good question opens the whole room,” says Priya Parker, author of The Art of Gathering: How We Meet and Why it Matters. “It opens a pathway for connection, and creates the geography of conversation from which you can travel anywhere together. A beautiful question is the fundamental building block of conversation.”

The best questions, she adds, are those that lead to stories instead of opinions and invite specificity. They’re also energizing, make people want to engage, and are relevant to everyone in the room. “A great question is accessible, whether you’re 7 or 77,” Parker says. “It doesn’t feel like homework or labor, and everyone in the group is excited to answer it—and also really interested in hearing everyone else’s answers.”

We asked Parker the best question to ask at your next social gathering.

The No. 1 question to ask

Parker thinks of her repertoire of favorite conversation-starters as “magical questions” that transform small talk into real talk. One in particular is ideal for year-end gatherings with friends and family: “What three songs would make up the soundtrack of your year, and why?”

Part of the reason she loves this question is its cross-generational appeal. Imagine the conversations each person’s selections can ignite: Your grandfather might want to know who Tate McRae is, while your 6-year-old niece has never heard of Madonna. “A really good question has legs,” Parker says. Songs are so heavily influenced by personal and social factors that the question will “lead to so many other conversations.”

Read More: The 4-Word Trick to Saying a Great Goodbye

Maybe your sister is in the midst of a bittersweet season and most relates to a Brandi Carlile song, while your cousin is in her lovey-dovey Taylor Swift era, and your resilient mom has I Will Survive on repeat. You’ll learn a lot about your companions, especially if you ask thoughtful follow-up questions: How long have you been feeling that way? What can we do to support you? Why that artist in particular? Have you seen them live? What other songs do you recommend by them? Plus, there’s a built-in opportunity to reflect on your own year.

An added bonus: You’ll end up expanding your musical repertoire. “An Indian grandfather might share Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan, and it’s like, ‘Who? What?’” Parker says. “Someone else shares Glenn Miller, and then someone shares Scarlet Pleasure, and someone else shares Toni Braxton.”

Fortunately, music is easily shareable. You can blast each person’s songs on Spotify while you’re all together or even create a playlist featuring the entire group’s selections that everyone can listen to. “It creates a musical soundtrack for the rest of your time together,” Parker says. “It’s a generative question that’s fun and accessible and has a rich afterlife.”

A less-musical alternative

If you’re not big music people, your group might appreciate this slight variation on Parker’s favorite question: “If your year was a book, what would its title and subtitle be?”

“A title forces brevity,” she says. “It gives a vibe of your year without giving the full report.” Of course, by asking the right follow-ups, you can dive much deeper in depth.

When Parker has asked this question at gatherings, she’s especially gotten a kick out of people’s subtitles, which are often laugh-out-loud funny. A book titled My Year As a Mother, for example, might have this subtitle: Poop, pee, and the best year of my life. Or maybe this one: A how-to guide to staying sane.

“They’re just being a little flippant, and it’s fun,” she says.

And if there’s still time after dessert…

Get creative when you think of questions that everyone at your gathering can have fun answering. Parker, who’s been teaching her children the power of good questions, was delighted when her daughter recently asked this (potentially loaded) question at a family get-together: “What’s the naughtiest thing you ever did that was worth it?”

Depending who you ask, ‘tis the season to be jolly—or nosy. Holiday gatherings are like catnip for friends and family members who only see each other once a year and certainly aren’t going to squander the chance to satisfy their most burning questions.

“We’re all naturally curious about what’s going on with people and what’s happening in their lives, and that can lead to us asking questions we think are small talk—but that actually hit on really painful struggles people are going through,” says Rebecca Love, a therapist in Fair Oaks, Calif. “Our holiday gatherings are supposed to be about warmth and connection and fun and love, and certain questions can be pitfalls that cause harm, pain, and ultimately, shame and disconnection.”

We asked therapists which questions they’re begging people to skip this holiday season—and why.

“Have you finally met someone?”

It’s generally OK to ask your niece if she’s dating anyone in a kind, impartial tone. It’s less OK to say it like this: “You’re dating someone already?” Or: “You finally met someone?”

“The important piece here is that it’s not the question, per se—it’s the affect that accompanies the question,” says Esther Perel, a psychotherapist who hosts the popular couples’ therapy podcast Where Should We Begin? “The tone is basically translating the meaning of the question, and it’s no longer a question—it’s a veiled criticism or a not-so-veiled put-down.”

Read More: 10 Things to Say When Someone Asks Why You’re Still Single

Avoid any questions that single someone out in a way that might make them feel vulnerable or uncomfortable, she advises. You’re better off focusing on topics of conversation that everyone can reflect on, rather than prying questions driven by your own curiosity.

“Did you vote for so-and-so?”

This is another statement—or accusation—masquerading as a question. “They probably already know who you voted for,” Perel says. “It’s basically saying, ‘I don’t agree with it,’ or, ‘I have some thoughts about this.’”

The best approach is to ditch opinions about politics at the front door. These sorts of questions can easily come across as a way to bait family members, rather than engage in meaningful conversation. “Is this really the time you want to let Grandpa Joe know he’s a bigot?” Love asks. “Or do you want to just leave it for another time, because everybody’s enjoying Christmas dinner?”

“When are you two going to have a baby/get married/settle down?”

It’s become increasingly common for people to delay marriage or choose to raise cats instead of kids. That can be at odds with how older generations, in particular, view the expected chain of milestones in someone’s life. If you cannot wrap your head around the fact that your granddaughter is happy without a ring 10 years into dating? Keep it to yourself.

“It’s a different lifestyle that gets away from our traditional mindset about the direction relationships are supposed to go,” Love says. “Unless somebody volunteers that information, it’s just really none of your business.”

Read More: 13 Things to Say When Someone Asks Why You Haven’t Had a Baby Yet

Keep in mind, too, that your friends or family members may be dealing with painful fertility journeys. Asking them about their timeline for having a baby—which they might want more than anything—could easily hit like a gut-punch. “If you’re trying to create a spirit of togetherness and warmth and happiness with your holiday gathering,” she says, “this is not going to facilitate that.” Instead, focus on asking your family members what’s making them happy, which might naturally shed light on these personal topics.

“Did you lose/gain weight?”

Thanks for noticing, Grandma Agnes—and ensuring that everyone else does, too. There are many reasons why someone’s weight might have changed, and they’re not all positive. “That’s someone’s body and personal space, and you’re crossing a line,” says Nicolle Osequeda, a therapist in Chicago. “We don’t want to comment on anyone’s physical appearance, but you could comment on their spirit, or the energy they’re bringing forth—like, ‘Oh, I see a sparkle in your eye.’”

“You seem tired. Everything OK?”

This is another unwelcome form of commenting on someone’s appearance—and an easy way to make them feel self-conscious. What if they had an amazing night of sleep the night before and think they look fantastic? “You saying they look tired will make them feel pretty yucky,” Osequeda says. “Or they might have been staying up late searching for jobs, or crying about the reason their ex-fiance isn’t here anymore.” You gain nothing from calling out their supposed exhaustion.

If you’re genuinely worried about someone, talk to them one-on-one, rather than yelling across the dinner table to them, she adds. It can be best to ease in with general questions and ask them what’s been keeping them busy lately, for example—which creates space for them to share without forcing them to do so.

“Have you seen Dad lately?”

It’s best not to veer into sensitive family drama during supposedly festive holiday gatherings—which includes asking family members if they’ve seen or talked to someone you know they have a difficult relationship with. These sorts of questions can reopen old wounds and quickly become confrontational and uncomfortable. “They make you the third person in a triangle,” Perel says. “By definition, you’re going to find yourself in loyalty with one [person] and disloyalty with the other.”

Read More: How to Reconnect With People You Care About

Such delicate subjects are often best dealt with in private. Perel prefers to instead lean into questions that unite. Some of her favorites: “What are you grateful for this year?” “What’s a threshold you crossed over the past year?” And: “What does it mean for you to gather with your family or group of friends every year? If we didn’t meet like this anymore, what would you miss that’s been really special for you when we get together?”

“Why aren’t you drinking?”

More people are ditching alcohol for all kinds of reasons, so try to refrain from asking your second cousin why she’s sipping on soda instead of spirits. “I think it speaks to our own internal insecurities about our drinking habits—and the need to make people around us normalize it by engaging in the same behavior,” Love says. “The most important thing for people to think about when they’re asking this question is, ‘What’s going on with you? Why is this information about this person so important to you?’”

“You look different! Did you have work done?”

Medical procedures are a private matter. Plus, consider that plastic surgery isn’t always elective—sometimes it’s the result of a health issue. 

“[Plastic surgery] doesn’t automatically equate to vanity,” Love says. “We might be trying to make conversation, but because we don’t have all the information, it can come across as judgmental and condescending, and it’s just not helpful.” Stick to the golden rule of never commenting on someone’s appearance, she adds, instead focusing on strengths and other personality traits you admire.

“How much did that cost?”

You might desperately want to know how much that fancy new phone cost—and how your nephew can afford it—but save the money talk for your post-dinner game of Monopoly. “Anything about money can come off the wrong way,” Osequeda says. “These are the kind of questions that feel judgy and invasive, and it puts somebody on the spot, where they then feel like they need to talk about their finances or justify spending a certain amount,” she advises. You’re better off asking about their favorite moments or accomplishments from the year, rather than prying into financials. “If someone wants to share, they will,” she says. “Otherwise, it’s better not to bring it up.”

“So what are you doing now?”

Job-related questions can feel loaded, especially given how many people are being laid off or are struggling to find new opportunities. It’s a sensitive topic, Osequeda says, so you’re better off sticking to open-ended queries: “What’s been exciting for you lately?” Or: “What’s something you’re looking forward to?” If someone wants to bring up their job, they will, she says.

It’s also a good idea to avoid questions that can come across as dismissive about someone’s work and identity. For example: “Still doing that little business of yours?” Or: “Are you really happy doing that?” As Osequeda puts it: “Who are they to judge whether it’s big or little, or what importance or value it has for you?”

Read More: How to Respond to an Insult, According to Therapists

If you’re wondering whether any question is too intrusive, Osequeda likes to use this guiding principle. “We’re going into these conversations to connect, and the way we connect with people is being warm, appropriately curious, reading their body language, and not interrogating people or making them feel small,” she says.

If you would have seen Nora McInerny at her 35-year-old husband’s funeral, you might have thought she’d never looked better. That was the consensus “according to so many people,” she says, in part perhaps because she’d lost weight after barely eating for months—but also because she kept insisting she was absolutely, completely, totally fine.

That, of course, was a lie she was telling herself and others. “I felt the worst I ever felt, and I also felt nothing at all,” she says. “And what did I do? I just stood there and told everyone that I was fine, and I changed the subject. I told everyone I was fine to the point that everybody in my life believed me. ‘She’s doing great! Look at her! Look at her Instagram! She’s doing wonderful.’”

McInerny—author of books including It’s Okay to Laugh (Crying Is Cool, Too) and No Happy Endings—hosts the podcast Thanks for Asking (previously known as Terrible, Thanks for Asking, a response that’s always on the tip of her tongue). Within six weeks in 2014, her father passed away, her husband died of brain cancer, and she miscarried her second child. It makes sense, then, how much time she’s spent pondering what to say when someone asks you how you are, and the truth isn’t “good.”

What’s the right response? We asked McInerny and other experts how to figure out what will feel best.

Flip the script

About a year ago, Jennifer C. Veilleux set a goal for herself: She would try never to answer “I’m fine” or “I’m good” if she wasn’t really feeling that way. When she catches those words rolling out of her mouth—which still happens occasionally—she corrects herself and tells the other person she’s trying to avoid sticking to the script we all generally expect.

“We know what we’re supposed to say: ‘I’m fine, how are you?’ Yet that’s often not true,” says Veilleux, a professor of clinical psychology at the University of Arkansas, Fayetteville, who studies emotion. “It’s now become a habit to try to reflect and say, ‘Well, how am I doing? Am I doing OK, or am I not? How can I answer this question in a way that reflects the reality of my moment?’”

Read More: 11 Things to Say When Someone Dies Besides ‘I’m Sorry’

Veilleux wants to avoid “expressive suppression,” or a tendency to hide feelings from other people. “It’s holding up a smiling mask, when inside, things are crumbling,” she says. Research suggests that suppressing emotions is linked to increased anxiety, depression, and stress, as well as poor relationships. “Emotions are built to be expressed—that’s one of their functions,” she says. When people get too used to holding them in as a way to cope or manage their feelings, “it’s associated with a ton of psychological problems.”

Since swearing off “I’m fine,” Veilleux has found that people react “really well” to her more honest responses. “I think we as human beings strive for connection and for belonging—it’s a core human need,” she says. “So to get a real answer to that question feels refreshing.”

First, gauge someone’s capacity for the truth

As a child-life specialist and therapist, Kelsey Mora specializes in supporting families impacted by illness, grief, and tragedy. “In other words,” she says, “often families who are ‘not OK.’”

It can be helpful to assess how ready the person asking you how you are is to hear the messy truth, Mora says—especially if they don’t already know what you’re going through. You might phrase it like this: “Are you prepared for the honest answer?” “Do you really want to know?” Or: “Do you want the long or short answer?” The point isn’t to shield or protect other people’s feelings from reality, she adds. It’s to ensure they’re capable of providing you with the support you need.

McInerny thinks of it as seeking conversational consent. Sometimes she’ll text her best friend and say: “Can I call you and have a full mental breakdown?” The answer might be “of course”—or it might be “certainly, but in 15 minutes.” “Then I don’t have to feel angry that she didn’t answer,” she says. “I don’t have to feel disappointed.”

Keep these handy responses close

Depending on how much you want to reveal, there are a variety of ways you can truthfully answer when someone asks how you’re doing. It’s not just what you say, but how you say it that matters. For example, Veilleux sometimes responds: “Honestly? I’m on the struggle bus right now—this week is a lot.” She says it in a positive tone and laughs in a “you know what that’s like” kind of way. People tend to commiserate, she’s found, and chime in: “I hear you! This time of year is rough.” “It’s honest, but it doesn’t require a lot of disclosure,” she says.

Veilleux also keeps these responses in her back pocket:

• “I know I’m supposed to say I’m fine, but I’m not actually fine right now.”
• “I’m upright—that’s about all I can say.”
• “Getting by …. barely.”
• “Honestly, not that great.”
• “I’m having a hard time right now.”

Each response is truthful, while inviting the other person to ask what’s going on—without making them feel obligated to do so, she says. “You’re either going to get the interested, compassionate, ‘Tell me more; you can dump on me’ response,” she says, “Or you’re going to get the ‘Oh, bummer’ response, where the person is like, ‘I don’t want your feelings right now.’” When the latter happens, you can try again with someone else who might have more capacity to listen, Veilleux adds.

Read More: 10 Ways to Respond to Someone’s Bad News

If you’re ruminating over what to say, keep in mind that the honest answer matters more than the “right” one, says Tyler Coe, who created How Are We Today?, a PBS sitcom that aims to help people talk about mental health more candidly. For a long time, Coe kept his experiences with bipolar disorder bottled up, never revealing how he was really feeling.

Now, when people ask him how he is, he pauses, assesses how he actually feels, and then answers truthfully. That might mean saying “I’m having a rough day” when he’s with a friend, or letting them know: “I’m not good right now, but I’m working on it.” He might also issue this warning: “Hey, I’m about to free-flow right here, but I’m just going to honestly tell you how I’m feeling.” If he’s at work, he might opt for “I’m managing.”

“The key is not performing ‘fine’ when you’re not,” he says, while acknowledging that it probably won’t feel natural at first. “I’m truthful about how I am, but it’s taken me my whole life to get to this point.”

Even when you’re not, “fine, thanks” sometimes does the trick

If you’re checking out at Target and the cashier asks you how you are—and the truth is that your life is in shambles—it’s probably best to simply say you’re fine. The same goes if you’re passing a colleague in the hallway and only have 30 seconds to get wherever you need to be.

There are other situations when it might make sense to stick to the script, too: If you’re talking to someone who has dismissed your feelings or been hurtful in the past, for instance, Veilleux says.

If you simply don’t want to talk about how you’re doing, you can protect yourself by saying “I’m OK,” Mora adds. She also likes this way of setting a boundary while still being authentic: “Honestly, it’s been tough, but I’m not really up for talking about it right now.” That can work well when you are, for example, about to give a presentation at work and can’t afford to show up off-kilter. “It’s OK to say whatever you need to in order to function,” she says, as long as you find a way to let out your feelings at some other point.

Remember: most people care

When McInerny was struggling—yet telling everyone she was fine—she assumed they would be able to read her mind and just know how she was really feeling. “I thought that was a perfectly reasonable thing to expect,” she says. “I’m lying straight to your face, but I want you to somehow intuit that I’m lying to you.” She believed that by downplaying her grief, she was doing the right thing: “What is our national anthem in America? It’s ‘you’re fine, pick yourself up by your bootstraps; anybody can do it,’” she says. “If you can’t, then it feels like a personal failing.”

Say goodbye to abrupt departures, that awkward am-I-staying-or-going dance, and hovering anxiously (and conspicuously) near the door.

There’s an art to bidding your host adieu, even if you’re slipping out earlier than expected—and experts say it’s a skill that can serve you well at any gathering, any time of year.

Here’s exactly what to say to deliver a great goodbye.

A foolproof formula

Researchers have a name for ending an interaction: “leave-taking behavior,” which encompasses all the verbal and non-verbal ways you signal you’re saying goodbye. There are two main components of any good exit, says Amy Arias, a senior lecturer of communication studies at the University of Nevada, Reno, who specializes in interpersonal communication.

The first is an exit statement, also known as a departure statement. These are a couple short, to-the-point words that make it clear you’re leaving: “Heading out!” Or: “It’s time!”

“It’s important not to over-explain,” Arias says. “You don’t use qualifiers or hedgers, so no phrasing like, ‘Probably time to leave,’ or ‘Probably should get going,’ because then it opens you up to, ‘No, no, no, so-and-so is going to make a toast,’ or, ‘Oh wait, we haven’t brought out the cake yet.’” There’s no need to provide any reason for leaving, like telling your friend you have to relieve the babysitter. If you do, you’re providing an opportunity for them to try convincing you to stay. (“Just pay your sitter a few extra dollars! They’ll love the money!”) Next thing you know, it’s 45 minutes later and…you’re still there.

Read More: 8 Polite Ways to Decline a Party Invitation

The second part of leave-taking is expressing your gratitude to the host, which calls for another straightforward and succinct two words. Arias usually opts for: “Amazing party!” Or: “Such fun!”

While you could switch the order of your exit statement and expression of gratitude, Arias finds it’s particularly smooth to end with your appreciation. “It’s helpful because it takes the focus away from me departing, and it moves it back to the host: ‘You did such a wonderful job, and this was so delightful,’” she says. “When ordering it that way, it closes the conversation on my leaving.”

As you’re saying goodbye—“Slipping out! Lovely gathering!”—keep your non-verbal behavior in mind, too, Arias advises. Smile, nod your head, and maybe you put your hands in the air to indicate there’s nothing you can do, it’s simply time to go, she says. These tactics “allow us to emphasize and supplement what we’re saying verbally to really reinforce that message.”

If you want to add some levity…

Richie Frieman, a manners and etiquette expert, likes to add an extra splash of personality to his departures—and humor is his preferred way of doing so. Among his favorite one-liners: “I’ll be answering for this party at my 8 a.m. workout class tomorrow” and “I’m going to head out before I hit the buffet for round five.”

“Humor breaks the ice of the awkwardness a little bit,” he says. “It’s also a compliment: ‘I ate so much, I loved the cake, that crab dip was so good.’ When people have an event or a party, they want to know that the people they invited enjoyed it.”

Frieman has also found that this quip goes over well: “Like my grandfather always said, ‘If you yawn, you’re gone.’” 

“It’s a funny way of saying, ‘Look, man, I’m tired,’” he says. “It’s a cheeky way to get a smile from the host before you leave.”

Is it ever OK to leave without saying goodbye?

Communication and etiquette experts used to believe that sneaking out without saying goodbye was rude. But the tide is turning. These days, Arias says, some people even display signage at their wedding reception giving people permission to leave whenever, however they’d like. It might read: “When you’re ready to leave, please feel free to go. The bride and groom are enjoying their party and appreciate you being here.” That can feel liberating, she adds, because guests don’t have to worry about tracking down the newlyweds and “disrupting the flow” of the party.

Read More: 9 Things to Say When Someone Asks Why You’re Not Drinking

“There’s not a universal yes or no” on whether a quick, unannounced departure is acceptable, “but the trend is shifting toward, ‘Yeah, they’re OK, and sometimes they’re very appropriate,’” Arias says. If you choose to disappear into the night, however, you should always send a follow-up message like a text or, if it’s a professional gathering, an email. Make it brief and to-the-point: “I had to run, but the party was amazing. Thank you for including me.” “That way, when the host or hostess comes back to reality after cleaning up and decompressing, they’ll see this lovely message of how much you enjoyed yourself,” she says. “They probably didn’t even notice that you snuck out.”

There is, however, an important caveat: these exits don’t work in every situation. You can only pull one off if you’re part of a large crowd—not one of eight people at a dinner party. “If it’s a small group and you skip out the door, people are going to notice,” Frieman says. “Context matters.” In those situations, just remember that four magic words are all you need, and you’ll be on your merry way.

The holidays aren’t merry for everyone. Some are reeling from the new or old sting of loss, or struggling with complicated family dynamics that suck the magic out of the season. Others are stressed about the high financial toll that accompanies all that gift-giving—or the anxiety of having to attend a string of social events. All these reasons, and more, can trigger the decision to opt out of holiday celebrations.

“Some people just want to see what it’s like to have space for themselves at this time of year,” says Saba Harouni Lurie, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles. “They want to give themselves permission to try something different and really understand why they say yes and no—figuring out what’s out of obligation, and what feels most authentic to them.”

But what do you tell your friends and family, who might have trouble accepting your absence? We asked experts exactly what to say if you’re skipping the holidays.

“I wanted to let you know we’re not going to be there for Christmas this year—and I know it’s disappointing.”

If you’re taking the year off from the annual family gathering, there’s one important rule to keep in mind: Let the people expecting you know as soon as possible. “Don’t delay,” says Andrea Dindinger, a licensed marriage and family therapist in San Francisco. “When you let people know, then they can get on with their life, and they can go, ‘OK, so there’s going to be four less people at the table.’”

Read More: How to Write the Perfect Holiday Card

Don’t expect it to go over easily. “It will still come up big time, especially if they’re super sentimental on the actual holiday,” she says. “But it gives them a bit of time to process their disappointment and sadness, and to potentially have some empathy for how hard your decision was.” If it rings true, Dindinger suggests telling your relatives: “I’ll miss seeing you, too.”

“I appreciate you thinking of me, but I won’t be joining any holiday events this year. I hope you have a lovely time!”

This is a clear, direct, and kind way to inform your friends and family you’ll be a no-show—without allowing room to be persuaded otherwise. “You have to be firm, because if you’re not, people are going to try to change your mind or make you feel bad for having those boundaries,” says Lontonia Bryant, a licensed clinical mental health counselor in Jacksonville, N.C. “It strikes a balance between honoring your truth and showing respect for others, something that’s key in any boundary-setting conversation.”

“I experience a lot of heartache around this time of year, and I want to see if taking a step back feels better than repeating the same patterns.”

This is an honest and reflective way to explain why you’re not partaking in holiday celebrations. “It lets you name your emotions and offer a bit of context for your decision,” Lurie says. Plus, when you phrase it this way, you’re inviting understanding rather than debate. “It’s OK to honor whatever feels right for you,” she adds. “If it feels more soothing and nurturing to give yourself space to be with your grief, you’re welcome to tell people that.”

“I can’t actually participate in any gift-giving this year. I’m being really financially thoughtful—and it’s hard and uncomfortable.”

Money is weighing on a lot of peoples’ minds. According to a poll by the American Psychiatric Association, 41% of respondents feel more stress this holiday season than in previous years, and 46% identified their top stressor as finding or affording gifts for their loved ones.

Read More: 8 Polite Ways to Decline a Party Invitation

If that resonates, Dindinger suggests setting a clear boundary, even if it makes you feel awkward or uncomfortable. “You’re not blaming anyone, and you’re actually being really financially responsible,” she says. You could even suggest an alternative approach. For example, you might send this group text to your college BFFs: “I wanted to talk about our Secret Santa plans,” Dindinger suggests saying. “I’m not able to participate this year financially, so I was wondering if we could switch up the tradition and each write our person a little note of appreciation instead.” It costs nothing—and will probably feel much more meaningful than the usual celebrations.

“I can’t join this year, but I’d love to hear how it goes afterward.”

If you have a standing date at The Nutcracker with your friends, but you aren’t up for it this year, share the news with a short-and-sweet note. Dindinger likes this phrasing because it communicates a set decision as well as an interest in your friends’ experience, even though you won’t be joining them. “People want you to go. They like you,” she says. “You’re letting them know that you still care about them, and you care about their experience. There’s kindness in there.”

If you get a pushy response (“Why?!?”), there’s no need to supply an excuse or explanation, she adds. Simply shut down the line of questioning like this: “I appreciate you asking. It’s not in the cards this year.” 

“I’m taking this season to rest and recharge—it’s something I really need right now.”

Rest is a valid need, and the holidays can provide that downtime, if you skip the usual commitments. “You might think, ‘I’ve got to spend a lot of money, I’ve got to be around people I may not like or who don’t like me, I’ve been working nonstop, and the world is a little crazy right now,’” Bryant says. “Taking that time to rest—physically, emotionally, and mentally—is so important.” There’s nothing wrong with gently asserting this boundary, she adds, and turning the holidays into a luxurious break instead of more work.

When a couple gets divorced, everyone in their orbit is affected—not just the two people whose “I do” turned into “I don’t.” And boy, does that crowd have something to say about it. Some people are so shocked that they can’t restrain their nosiness. Others fear divorce is contagious and will happen to them next. And many others, well-intentioned though they may be, are full of unsolicited advice.

We asked experts—and a divorcee from The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives—to share the worst things to say to someone who’s getting divorced, plus which words actually help.

“What happened?”

When you’re talking to someone who just shared news about their divorce, consider whether what you’re saying is for your sake or for the good of the affected party. This common question, for example, is “more about your curiosity, and not so much about your compassion,” says Andrea Hipps, a divorce coach and author of The Best Worst Time of Your Life. It’s especially tricky because “there’s hardly ever a singular reason for what happened,” she says. “Everything and nothing happened.”

Yet people often gravitate toward this query because of a desire to protect their own marriage. It’s almost like saying: “If it can happen to you, it could happen to me,” Hipps points out, “so tell me all the things that happened so I can avoid them.”

Hipps prefers supporting your friend by saying: “Thank you for bringing me in on this hard news. I’ll be careful with it.” Another approach: “This is so much—your mind must be spinning.” Your friend will understand that if they want to open up, you’re there, but they can do so at their own pace.

“But you guys were so happy!”

People rarely broadcast their marital problems—your friends aren’t going to issue a public service announcement that Brian flirted with the babysitter and Joan can’t stand to be around him. Protesting that a newly split couple looked like the very definition of marital bliss is “so cringy,” says Rebecca Love, a therapist in Fair Oaks, Calif. Still, she acknowledges it comes from a good place: “We’re desperate to help people feel better, so we often say things without being thoughtful about it,” she says. “But pointing out how happy they seemed isn’t helpful. It’s more of a voyeuristic thing: ‘I’m so shocked. Help me with my feelings,’ instead of the other way around, where we need to be supportive of them.”

Read More: 7 Polite Phrases That Are Still Worth Saying

Instead, offer a heartfelt compliment. Kimberly Miller, a family law attorney and licensed marriage and family therapist, suggests saying: “You did what was right for you—and that’s never easy. I admire your strength.”

“At least you’ll get time off from the kids!”

Layla Taylor, who stars on The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, got divorced in 2023. She shares two kids with her ex. The post-divorce comment that bothered her the most—and that she still gets to this day—is from people finding the so-called silver lining of sharing custody: “At least you co-parent and get to have time off from the kids!”

“My biggest nightmare is not having my kids 365 days a year and every single holiday,” she says. “That’s the opposite of what I want.”

A supportive friend, on the other hand, shared a few simple words that stick with Taylor to this day: “Just because your life is starting over, doesn’t mean your life is over.” “That helped me a lot, because you can look at it very negatively, but you can also look at it as a fresh start where you’re able to meet somebody that may be aligned with you better, or you’re able to just spend time with yourself and get to know yourself on a more personal level,” she says. “It’s a beautiful thing to be able to start over again.”

“I am so sorry.”

This common sentiment doesn’t always land well. Saying you’re sorry “communicates pity,” Hipps says. “It assumes it’s tragic—when they might be like, ‘You know what, this is the healthiest thing I could do to create safety or a better future for me and my family.’”

Instead, Hipps likes saying: “I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but knowing you, you’re going to pull through it with so much grace.” 

Love opts for this line: “You’re an amazing person with a lot of love left to give.” 

“I like it because it’s strength-based,” she says. “You’re sharing things that you see and love about them, and that’s what they need to hear. They need to hear what they bring to the table—that can make them feel really good in the mindset of rejection and pain.”

“You just need to get out there and start dating again, and then you’ll feel better!”

Taylor received all kinds of feedback about her dating choices post-split. Some people told her to take time to heal first; others pushed her to get back out there. In retrospect, she says she believes she may have jumped into the dating pool before she was fully ready, but that it helped her figure out more about what she was looking for.

Read More: Here’s How to Know You’re Talking to a Narcissist

Instead of setting your friend up, focus on ways you can show up and support them, especially if you suspect they’re lonely. Taylor defaults to isolation during tough times and appreciated when people asked her to go for a drive, grab coffee or a drink, or order-take out and watch TV. “Having people around you makes you feel like you’re less alone,” she says.

“You need my attorney.”

Every divorce is “unique and messy in its very own way,” Hipps says. The attorney who worked wonders for you might not be the best fit for your friend, depending on their specific needs. Plus, “It assumes an adversarial process, when they might be electing to do alternative dispute resolution options.”

Hipps says it’s better to broach the subject like this: “Are you feeling well-resourced? Do you have good consultants walking with you right now? I’d be happy to share some, but only if it feels like the right time for you.” That way, you won’t make them second-guess themselves if they’re already assembled a plan and a team.

“But what about the kids?”

There’s almost no chance your divorcing friends didn’t labor over their decision—worrying about their kids’ well-being above all else. Suggesting otherwise is “rubbing salt in the wound,” Love says. “It comes across as judgmental and condescending, and that’s not what anybody needs.”

Your friend might prefer to hear you say that you understand why they’re hurting or can sense how betrayed they are. That way, she says, you’re validating their pain while demonstrating that you’re there to listen and support them. 

“It’s better than staying in a bad marriage.”

This statement is problematic for a number of reasons. Your friend might have felt like they were in a great marriage, Miller points out, and are deeply grieving the loss of that reality. “Everything around divorce is more complicated and more nuanced than you realize from the outside,” she says, so it’s a good idea to avoid being over-simplistic. “Any time you’re turning it into a dichotomy—it’s either you stay or you leave, and it’s good to leave and it’s bad to stay—it’s never that clear.”

A better approach, she adds, is to make it clear you’re not going anywhere: “However you’re feeling right now is OK. I’m here to support you, no expectations.” Or put a slight spin on it: “This must be incredibly hard—I hope you’re giving yourself permission to feel whatever comes up.”

“I never liked them anyway.”

Your intentions are surely good: You want your friend to know you’re on their side. But this kind of comment “implies they had bad judgment,” Hipps says. “It could make them feel more alone or clueless.” People getting divorced tend to reexamine the past, wondering which parts were real and what they imagined, and this is an easy way to add to the chaos swirling around their mind.

Instead, support them by saying: “I know you did everything to make your marriage work, even when it was difficult.” Make it a point to offer to lighten their load in specific ways, too, Hipps advises: Tell your friend you have two hours that weekend just for them, and can help them hang pictures in their new house or take a look at the broken washing machine. That way, they don’t have to ask.

May we borrow a moment of your time to review basic niceties? You might think you’ve heard them all before—because you have—but certain polite lingo is dropping out of the modern lexicon. That’s bad news for everyone, experts agree.

“It’s really important to mind our manners—and I don’t say that as a scold, but I do say it with encouragement,” says Lizzie Post, co-president of the Emily Post Institute (and great-great-granddaughter of renowned etiquette expert Emily Post). “It’s so amazing how good manners can make such an impact on other people’s days—and they catch like wildlife. That person holds the door for you, and you hold the door for the person behind you. It breaks the cycle of stress and rudeness and lack of awareness of others.”

In order to coexist as peacefully as possible, we asked Post and other experts for a refresher on which polite words still matter the most—and why.

“Hello!”

When you walk into a coffee shop in the morning, your first words shouldn’t have anything to do with your order. Start your interaction with the barista with a friendly greeting—because “not acknowledging someone’s humanity before asking them something is pretty rude,” says Nick Leighton, who co-hosts the etiquette podcast Were You Raised By Wolves? 

“Greetings in some places are so important—like in France, saying ‘Bonjour’ when you walk in a store is crucial,” he adds. “In America, we walk in and we’re like, ‘Oh, give me a croissant,’ and we don’t say hello first.” 

This advice transcends interactions with customer-service workers: It’s also a good idea to get in the habit of saying hello to all of the coworkers you pass when you arrive at work every day, or, for example, the receptionist in your apartment lobby.

“Please”

Saying “please” transforms a demand into a request. “It acknowledges someone’s choice of participation in something, and the impact that their participation might have on their own life,” Post says. It shows respect and consideration, and makes it clear that the other person has autonomy in whether they choose to oblige.

Read More: What to Say When You Forget Someone’s Name

Still, Post understands why, in some situations, people don’t say it. “I think we’ve leaned away from ‘please’ because we’re worried that in so many of the text messages we send daily, it can come across like, ‘Please get this done,’ because any magic word can be said the wrong way,” she says. “You can do a sarcastic please or a non-genuine please. It’s possible to make these words nasty with our tone, but when we don’t—when we use them politely and positively—they have profound effects.”

“Thank you” (with a caveat)

Rita Kirk, a professor of corporate communications and public affairs at Southern Methodist University, invites lots of guest speakers to her class. After every visit, she instructs her students to write a thank-you letter—but before forwarding them to the recipient, she reads and grades each one.

There’s an art to writing a good thank-you note, Kirk says, and rule No. 1 is that “thank you” should never be your very first words. Instead, explicitly express your gratitude by describing what the gift, insight, or time meant to you, and why you’re thankful for it. If you were sending thank-you notes after a baby shower, for example, you might write: “I cannot wait to see what the babe is going to look like in her new Western outfit. I promise to take a picture and send it to you. Thank you so much for the thoughtful gift!”

Getting into the habit of sending thank-you notes can, literally, pay off. Kirk remembers one former student who sent her a note that started like this: “Damn you.” “It was pretty funny,” she says. “She said that all those times in class when she had to write thank-you notes, she rolled her eyes and cursed my name.” Yet after graduating, the woman landed a job she really wanted, and eventually asked her employer why her name had risen to the top of the list. Her boss replied: “You were the only one who sent a thank-you note.”

“May I?”

This question is “the ultimate phrase of respect,” says Jacqueline Whitmore, an etiquette expert who founded the Protocol School of Palm Beach and author of Business Class: Etiquette Essentials for Success at Work. It’s permission-seeking rather than presumptive, which instantly softens the tone of any request, and it communicates deference and awareness of another person’s space or time.

Read More: 8 Ways to Respond to an Apology Besides ‘It’s OK’

Plus, it’s versatile enough for all kinds of situations: Use it before giving a colleague feedback on their presentation, Leighton suggests, or when ordering a meal at a restaurant. One of his pet-peeves is ordering like this: “I’ll take the salmon.” Rephrasing as “May I order…” “definitely sounds less like, ‘Fetch me this,’” he says, a kindness your server will surely appreciate.

“My pleasure”

Whitmore always opts for “my pleasure” over the more transactional “you’re welcome.” “It conveys joy in service—that the act of helping wasn’t a burden but a delight,” she says. Plus, “Rather than putting the spotlight on the other person—‘You’re welcome’—you’re taking ownership. It’s my pleasure to do that for you.”

Etiquette experts almost universally shy away from one common response to an expression of gratitude: “No problem.” “To me it sounds like there was a problem to begin with,” Whitmore says—and insinuates that someone’s “thank you” is, in a way, an apology. There’s simply no need to bring even the idea of a problem into the exchange, she says.

“Excuse me” or “pardon me”

In some ways, these phrases are like mini-apologies, Post says. If you burp, you might follow-up with an “excuse me,” and if you inconvenience someone by asking them to pull their chair in so you can squeeze by, you might issue a quick “pardon me.”

“They’re both used to excuse a mistake or acknowledge an interruption,” she says. “It’s a way of acknowledging that our behavior might not be the most polite, or to get someone’s attention.”

These two simple words, Leighton adds, signal that you’re aware of and appreciate the fact that other people exist in the world. “We could all use a little more of that,” he says.