Former President Donald Trump’s campaign said some internal communications have been hacked, blaming the Iranian government and citing past hostilities between Trump and Iran without providing direct evidence. What do you think?
“Will Iran stop at nothing to push their radical liberal agenda?”
James Wymer, Biography Enthusiast
Investigation Finds Secret Service Failed To Account For Nation’s 393 Million Guns
“This is why I usually just delete emails from the Iranian Revolutionary Guard Corps.”
Ricky Doering, Thermostat Regulator
“Iran couldn’t wait a couple of days for the next tell-all book?”
Russia, the United States, and several other countries engaged in an extraordinary 24-prisoner exchange, the largest of its kind since the Cold War and one in which President Joe Biden was directly involved. What do you think?
“I’m not sure I feel safe with all those hardened human rights activists back on the street.”
Ashley Ortiz, Stance Analyst
Biden’s Approval Rating Skyrockets After Announcing He Taking Nation To The Circus
“American journalists belong in American prisons.”
Scott Sharzy, Hospital Landlord
“It’s amazing that Trump pulled this off without even holding office.”
President Joe Biden ended his reelection bid and endorsed Vice President Kamala Harris to succeed him, saying in a statement posted to his official X account that, “It has been the greatest honor of [his] life to serve as your President.” What do you think?
“Nobler words were never mumbled.”
Ed Gilpen, Holistic Pediatrician
Biden’s Approval Rating Skyrockets After Announcing He Taking Nation To The Circus
“He’s way too old to drop out!”
Paul Nunez, Voiceover Coach
“Whatever country he decides to go to next will be lucky to have him.”
MILWAUKEE—Following the chaotic events of the past 48 hours, former President Donald Trump reportedly rewrote his Republican National Convention acceptance speech Monday to remove all mentions of never having been shot in the ear. “My track record of never having gotten shot in the ear was very good, and was unfortunately the centerpiece of my speech for Thursday night,” said Trump, who expressed frustration to reporters after admitting he had been forced to completely overhaul his keynote address. “I tried to cut all the mentions of how I’ve gone my whole life without a bullet making contact with either of my ears, but it didn’t really flow after that. Plus, it was too short. About 50% too short. It’s a real shame, because it was one of the most brilliant speeches ever about having intact ears.” At press time, Trump hinted that the crux of the speech was now about how he thanked God that he turned his head to check out a hot attendee’s rack.
NYPD Arrests Trump After Routine Stop-And-Frisk Turns Up Unlicensed Handgun, 400 Mg Of Ketamine
In the wake of calls for him to step down from the presidential race following a poor debate performance and concerns about his mental ability to fulfill his duties, President Biden held an hour-long press conference in an attempt to prove his fitness for the position. What do you think?
“I thought the one-armed push-ups were a bit much.”
Dennis Gowdy, Racket Stringer
Biden’s Approval Rating Skyrockets After Announcing He Taking Nation To The Circus
“I’m fine with him being president, but he definitely shouldn’t be driving.”
EAST HAMPTON, NY—Defending her 81-year-old husband in the wake of his highly criticized debate performance, first lady Jill Biden reportedly assured an audience of Democratic donors Monday that she “hit[s] that on the daily,” referring to President Joe Biden. “To any doubters of my husband’s virility, let me just start out by saying that I hit that every single night, and it’s magnificent,” Dr. Biden said at a fundraiser, winking as she held up a special cushion that she claimed she had to sit on during her flight to New York while icing her “worn out” pelvis. “No, my husband is not a young man, but his age doesn’t prevent him from regularly pounding the ever-living shit out of me, raw and wet. You may rest assured that our nation’s commander in chief is relaxed and clear-minded each day from having busted so hard the night before. For anyone wondering if Joseph Robinette Biden Jr. is still up to the task of the presidency, I submit as evidence the handprints on my raw red ass, which show the man in the Oval Office is a pure fuck machine capable of making me come again and again and again, the way the leader of the free world should.” Dr. Biden went on to say that the president only stumbled during the debate last week because his mouth was so tired from a night spent “jowls deep” in her pussy.
Biden’s Approval Rating Skyrockets After Announcing He Taking Nation To The Circus
WASHINGTON—In the aftermath of a disastrous night that left Democrats reeling over their candidate for the 2024 election, political analysts confirmed Friday that President Joe Biden could negate his debate performance by pulling a train with a chain clenched between his teeth. “Our post-debate polling indicates that one of the only way the president can recover from yesterday’s catastrophic evening is by gathering likely voters next to the train tracks and using the sheer power of his jaw and neck muscles to pull a 4,000-ton train,” said Democratic political strategists Thomas Fitzpatrick, who described how the feat of strength in which Biden would hold a steel rope in his mouth and rely solely on his own brawn to move a seven-coach train would go a significant way toward restoring trust in the 81-year-old’s fitness for office. “There’s no way to spin the president’s evening of rambling answers and unsettling gazes in a positive light for Democrats. The silver lining here is that the party does have options. For example, Biden could also take a cannonball to the stomach or put two women on either end of a pole and lift them way up over his head. Whatever they choose, Democrats should act now to avoid a potential loss in November.” Analysts added that Biden should also wear a striped leotard to show off his physique and convince voters his strength is real.
Biden’s Approval Rating Skyrockets After Announcing He Taking Nation To The Circus
WASHINGTON—In the wake of what was widely viewed as a disastrous debate performance, eye contact-avoiding members of the Biden administration still haven’t said a word to each other since last night, sources confirmed Friday. According to sources, White House aides and advisors were seen averting their gaze as they wordlessly walked straight to their desks and stared at the black screens of their computers, unwilling to log on. Several reports indicated that, despite being an exceptionally busy work day in which members of the press were seeking comment on the president’s unexpectedly weak showing the night before, everyone in Biden’s orbit had sequestered themselves away from others and turned their phones off in order to avoid calls. At press time, the silence was finally broken by Biden’s pained moaning.
Biden’s Approval Rating Skyrockets After Announcing He Taking Nation To The Circus
ATLANTA—Stressing that they wished they had talked about this months ago instead of waiting until now, a relieved Donald Trump and Joe Biden ended the first presidential debate of 2024 Thursday after realizing neither of them really wanted to be president. The two candidates, who had been bitter enemies along the campaign trail, reportedly stopped the debate when Biden abruptly admitted he didn’t want to do this anymore, at which point Trump perked up, said, “Wait, you too?” and revealed that he was just running because he thought Biden wanted to win. According to sources, the two former commanders-in-chief then burst into laughter and said, “Same, I fucking hate this country.” Despite protests from moderators Jake Tapper and Dana Bash, Biden and Trump proceeded to remove their microphones, ties, and jackets, walk towards the exit, hug, and then hop into a red convertible, speeding off into the sunset together. At press time, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. had reportedly been declared the next president of the United States after being the only person in the entire nation dumb enough to take the job.
WASHINGTON—With his approval rating recovering among people likely to vote in the 2024 election, President Joe Biden enjoyed a surge in the polls this week after Americans noticed Netflix had added a few good shows recently. “It appears that the tide is finally turning in Biden’s favor now that voters have stumbled onto pretty decent shows like Baby Reindeer and Dead Boy Detectives,” said political analyst Aaron Higgins, adding that the shift signaled a renewed optimism with regard to what might lie ahead for American television. “While there was some lingering nostalgia for the Stranger Things episodes of the Trump era, many poll respondents answered in the affirmative when asked if their watchlists looked better now than they did four years ago. Data from recent surveys also indicated that Biden could effectively clinch a second term if he brought back Glow.” At press time, Biden had begun plummeting in the polls after Americans discovered the Hunger Games movies would be leaving Netflix at the end of the month.
NEW HAVEN, CT—Saying the singer-songwriter clearly had ulterior motives when she made The Tortured Poets Department, local Taylor Swift fan Fiona Johnson told reporters Monday the artist had purposefully released a big dud as a commentary on the music industry. “Although at first glance, it looks as though Taylor simply miscalculated with this meandering, overproduced, and underwhelming album, she actually did so intentionally to make a point about capitalism, rabid fandom, and its effects on art at large,” said Johnson, adding that Swift was smarter than she seemed, and would never write 31 songs and record over two full hours of music that sounded so flat and uninspired unless she was trying to reveal something deeper about modern culture and the music we consume. “Yes, many of the tracks like ‘I Can Do It With A Broken Heart’ and ‘The Albatross’ sound like a pale, tired reflection of her former self, but what if that was her goal all along, and she spent years diluting her artistic vision in order to make us think? Taylor is always 10 steps ahead of her fans. Why else would she release one of the worst albums I’ve ever heard?” Johnson also said that Swift would not currently be dating someone as dumb as Travis Kelce if it wasn’t a commentary on toxic masculinity.
Chiefs Fans Try To Name A Single Taylor Swift Song
Have you seen a tweet from Grimes making fun of her former partner, Elon Musk, for saying that wealthy ex-wives are destroying Western civilization? The Grimes tweet is fake. The musician didn’t actually poke fun at Musk over the comment. The Musk tweet, on the other hand, is completely real.
Mr. Tweet Fumbles Super Bowl Tweet
“’Super rich ex-wives who hate their former spouse’ should filed be listed among ‘Reasons that Western Civilization died,’” the billionaire SpaceX CEO tweeted on Wednesday.
Musk’s very real tweet was a response to a user on X who was criticizing MacKenzie Scott, the ex-wife of Amazon founder Jeff Bezos, over the kinds of organizations to which she donates her money. Scott has given away at least $16 billion since her divorce. But the groups she’s giving to are apparently too woke, in this particular person’s opinion.
A very real tweet from billionaire Elon Musk sent on March 6, 2024. Screenshot: X
And that’s when Musk, a billionaire who’s been married three times, chimed in to give his two cents about how wealthy ex-wives are somehow destroying civilization. Musk didn’t elaborate on how that could be possible, but we digress. All of this is the background necessary to understand the fake Grimes tweet that’s currently going viral.
“Is the ex-wife destroying Western Civilization in the room with us right now?” the snarky fake tweet from Grimes reads.
Musk is the father of at least two children with Grimes, who is often used as a foil in photoshopped jokes about the billionaire. But this one isn’t a real tweet from the musician.
The fake tweet from Grimes (top) over a very real tweet from Elon Musk.Screenshot: X
Who created this fake tweet to make it look like it was sent by Grimes? That appears to be an X account with the name Trap Queen Enthusiast and the handle @marionumber4. Gizmodo confirmed with the creator they indeed conjured this joke into existence on Wednesday, and it seems to be taking on a life of its own, as memes have been known to do.
You can even find the fake tweet on Bluesky, a competitor to X, where people there also believe it’s real.
“Better men have deleted their accounts and retired from the internet after burns half as severe as that,” one Bluesky user said late Wednesday.
And just in case you didn’t think the chain of custody on this fake tweet wasn’t complex enough, another fake screenshot of the Grimes tweet has been created to make it look like a Community Note has been added.
“While she did bear multiple of Elon’s children, Grimes was never technically married to Elon. Elon’s only real ex-wife is merely kinda rich,” the fake Community Note reads.
Yet another fake tweet purporting to show a Community Note on a Grimes tweet. The Musk tweet is the only thing that’s real in this image. Screenshot: X
And that’s how these things spread. A joke that most people within a small online circle fully understand as a joke will break containment, spreading across the internet and even jumping to other social media sites. And then people are left to wonder whether it’s real or not—be it Mike Lindell supposedly driving drunk or an adorable croissant in the shape of a dinosaur.
Checking the official Grimes X account won’t answer the mystery either, as it’s not there and anyone who’s asked can only respond that maybe she deleted it. Well, we’re here to tell you this one is fake because we confirmed it with the creator. But, again, we can’t stress enough that Musk’s bizarre tweet about ex-wives destroying Western civilization is very real. He really is just a very strange dude.
Elon Musk met with Donald Trump in Florida this past Sunday, according to a new report from the New York Times. And while it’s not clear what the two men discussed, news of the meeting comes as Musk has ratcheted up his rhetoric against illegal immigration and Trump looks for new sources of cash.
The Elon Musk Twitter Saga, Part 1 of Who Knows?
The Times report doesn’t name a source for the meeting but cites “three people briefed on the meeting.” An account that tracks Musk’s jet on the social media platform BlueSky shows he landed in West Palm Beach on Saturday, March 2, and left the next day.
Musk previously claimed that he’d never voted for a Republican before 2022, which heavily suggests he never voted for Trump either in 2016 or 2020. But Musk has fully embraced Republican politics in recent years, even if he’s kept Trump at an arm’s length at times.
Musk was an early advocate for Vivek Ramaswamy to become the Republican nominee for president, though Ramaswamy dropped out of the race back in mid-January. Ramaswamy, an entrepreneur and long-shot candidate, never put up much of a fight against Trump and has since endorsed the former president.
The billionaire SpaceX CEO may not love Trump personally, but the two men have many shared interests. Trump, for example, wants to unleash U.S. troops on American streets to round up anyone who might look like they’re in the country illegally, a plan that Musk might just agree with.
Musk has created a steady drumbeat of xenophobic nonsense on X in recent months, insisting that illegal immigration is the biggest issue facing the country—an overwhelming potential threat that’s become a fixation for Musk. Oddly, Musk didn’t seem to care much about immigration until about 2023, judging solely from his tweets and public comments. And Musk’s new pet issue puts him at odds with President Joe Biden, who’s not exactly a dove on immigration policy.
“This administration is both importing voters and creating a national security threat from unvetted illegal immigrants,” Musk tweeted late Monday in a tone that’s become typical of the billionaire.
To be clear, non-citizens aren’t allowed to vote in the U.S., so Musk’s insistence that Biden is “importing” voters is flat wrong. But Musk went on to say immigration could create a threat as serious as the terrorist attacks on September 11, 2001.
“It is highly probable that the groundwork is being laid for something far worse than 9/11. Just a matter of time,” Musk continued.
It should be noted that none of the terrorists that carried out the attacks on the Pentagon and the World Trade Center in New York were in the country illegally. They all entered on completely legal visas.
Biden has said he’d like to “close” the border if Republicans can get him a bill that addresses the issue. Sen. James Lankford, a Republican from Oklahoma, spent months negotiating a bipartisan bill that’s widely viewed as the toughest immigration reform in a generation. But that legislation was torpedoed by Republicans after Trump made it clear he wants the border to be an issue he can campaign on in the lead-up to November’s presidential election.
And that’s the problem the U.S. now faces. Trump, who’s currently leading Biden in several national polls, thrives in a world of chaos. And Musk might be signing up for precisely that kind of chaotic mission if he starts to support Trump financially.
Joe Biden and Donald Trump took competing visits to the U.S.-Mexico border yesterday, both in an effort to show voters that their stance on immigration is the better one, as the increase in immigration during the last four years has become a primary concern in the 2024 election. What do you think?
“Just a couple of shoves, and they’re Mexico’s problem.”
Mahek Beltran, Window Defroster
NYPD Arrests Trump After Routine Stop-And-Frisk Turns Up Unlicensed Handgun, 400 Mg Of Ketamine
“Aw man, this is like your two favorite bands playing on the same night.”
Mae Valentine, Alpaca Breeder
“Haven’t the people at the border suffered enough?”
WASHINGTON—During a congressional hearing Wednesday aimed at holding tech companies accountable for children’s safety online, Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg gave testimony in which he assured concerned parents that he was keeping a very close, personal eye on teen accounts. “I personally spend most days and nights in front of my computer, closely monitoring every piece of content uploaded by your young teenagers, so there’s no need to worry” said the 39-year-old billionaire, explaining to parents that there was no way for strangers to exploit underage children without him seeing the private messages in real time. “There’s not a single image your precious son or daughter has sent through Instagram, Facebook, or WhatsApp that I haven’t seen and preserved on my own hard drive for safe keeping. I’m out there every day looking at their photos and making sure the racier stuff doesn’t get into the wrong hands. When I see something concerning, I immediately comment, ‘You okay, beautiful?’ to get to the bottom of it. Liking and hearting pictures of your kids in skimpy bikinis lets any predators out there know that Daddy Zuckerberg is watching.” Zuckerberg went on to tell the Senate Judiciary Committee that if bad people were targeting underage kids on his social media apps, he would be the first person to step in and let the children know that they could always come to him and tell him anything.
Facebook HQ On Lockdown After Mark Zuckerberg’s Avatar Breaks Out Of Metaverse
PALM BEACH, FL—Terrified by the prospect that the former president could go away forever if he didn’t pay, Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. reportedly helped their father raise $83.3 million Monday by asking their dad for money. “Wait, I know where we can get some cash—we can ask Dad!” said Donald Jr., the oldest of the Trump boys, whose face immediately lit up with excitement as he grabbed his brother’s hands and explained that the solution to all of his father’s legal and financial woes was just right down the hall. “Dad probably has tons of money! He wears suits all of the time. Once, he even gave me 20 whole dollars on my birthday! He’s a really important man. I know he’ll give us the money—we just have to promise to be extra good and eat all our meat for a week.” At press time, the Trump boys had only $83,299,975 to go after checking their father’s wallet.
NYPD Arrests Trump After Routine Stop-And-Frisk Turns Up Unlicensed Handgun, 400 Mg Of Ketamine
