Baldur’s Gate 3’s fifth big patch added some significant changes to Larian’s Dungeons & Dragons RPG, including a new epilogue, modes, and ways to accomplish previously impossible feats. It also had a slightly less significant update that is probably unnecessary, but is still glorious to behold: Characters’ dicks and balls now have jiggle physics.
11 Minutes With Baldur’s Gate 3’s Character Creator
Fans took notice of the update after it went live yesterday, November 30. We at Kotaku are nothing if not thorough, so I opened up the game to check for myself. The easiest way to see a willy wiggle is by going to the character creator or Magic Mirror, which lets you view and rotate your character’s model. If they aren’t wearing clothes or you toggle the “Hide Clothes” option in the character creator, they will rock out with their cock out, assuming that’s the option you’ve selected for their junk. Rotate their model fast enough, and everything starts flopping around.
If you don’t feel like booting up the game to see it for yourself, here’s a (very uncensored) video of Arendelle, my Bard Tiefling Daddy from my co-op campaign, to demonstrate:
Baldur’s Gate 3 – Patch 5 Genital Physics
Baldur’s Gate 3 – Patch 5 Genital Physics
In the run-up to Baldur’s Gate 3’slaunch, genital customization was an exciting addition to its character creator. Between body, pronoun, and genital options, Baldur’s Gate 3 lets you play around with form and identity in a way that’s pretty freeing. When I talked to Larian about adding genital customization earlier this year, it didn’t even occur to me that the studio would go the extra mile and add realistic flopping physics into the game months after launch. Clearly, I wasn’t thinking big enough.
I guess now I need to go back and see if this change affects any of the sex scenes. Most of the sequences were shot so they didn’t explicitly show the deed being done, but dicks are definitely visible in some of them. Someone start an entirely nude playthrough with hogs out and let us know how it goes in the comments.
I’m annoying as hell when it comes to choice-based RPGs because I am so particular about role-playing and writing a character in my head that I couldn’t even stand the thought of playing Baldur’s Gate 3 cooperatively with even my close friends. I said in my review that I don’t think it’s the optimal way to play through Larian Studios’ expansive Dungeons & Dragons RPG your first time through, and after playing with friends and watching the chaos unfold, that was definitely true. But it did give me a foothold to think about Baldur’s Gate 3 differently, so while I’m not sure that I’ll play through an entire campaign with my chaotic real-life crew, I’m at least happy I gave it a chance.
11 Minutes With Baldur’s Gate 3’s Character Creator
What kind of character do you make in a Baldur’s Gate 3 co-op campaign?
When I played Baldur’s Gate 3 alone, I made a self-insert character. He was a Warlock who looked about as close to me as I could make him (it’s not terribly difficult to make a bald, bearded white guy) and my decisions weren’t governed by any D&D alignment or some deep, lore-based backstory. I essentially Isekai’d myself into the Forgotten Realms and just made decisions that spoke to me. But because I knew all my friends, including Destructoid’s Eric Van Allen, Prima Games’ Jesse Vitelli, and Digital Extremes’ Tatum, weren’t going to be using the characters they made in their solo playthroughs, I probably shouldn’t, right?
Instead, I looked at a different created character I made. The Guardian, who Baldur’s Gate 3 asks you to create after you’ve settled on your protagonist, plays a central role in the main plot, but you never inhabit them the way you do your hero. My Guardian was a buff daddy of a Tiefling who, perhaps influenced by the character’s original “Dream Lover” background in Early Access, was basically just a Dungeons & Dragons approximation of my type. Even if I didn’t play as him, I was still pretty attached to the Tiefling by the end of my Baldur’s Gate 3 playthrough, so I decided I would recreate him for multiplayer.
But then the game asked me to make a Guardian for him, and it just kind of seemed natural that if he was the Guardian for my player character, my self-insert hero would be the Guardian for him. Initially, I did this because it was easy and I’m stupid, but as I played through the cooperative campaign with my friends, this began to take on new meaning. But not before I endured the absolute nonsense that is trying to play a super serious RPG alongside the goofiest clowns I know and love.
Screenshot: Larian Studios / Kotaku
Baldur’s Gate 3‘s co-op can immediately devolve into chaos
Each of our characters entered the world and we introduced ourselves. My scruffy Tiefling Bard named Arendelle (yes, like the kingdom in Frozen, I couldn’t think of anything that sounded fantasy-like and saw the movie on my shelf) exited his Mind Flayer pod and met three other heroes who might as well have been pulled out of different worlds and given names that made Arendelle look like the weird one. This included Bootyquake the Dragonborn, a Dwarf Monk named The Green Hulk who looks exactly like the Marvel hero he’s named after, and Italian Stallion, another Dwarf Monk who also slayed in his underwear. Just, ya know, without the superhero backstory.
The chaos didn’t stop at our gaggle of weirdos’ introduction. Each of us was playing a different class than we played in the main game, and that meant fumbling our way through our abilities on top of figuring out how to coordinate our strategies and find some semblance of synergy in the characters we slapped together for a stream. I soon realized my Bard could do psychic damage by clowning on enemies, which we called “Diss Tracks,” but the best part was realizing he could randomly play music on his violin that would usurp the score at any given moment. I missed my Warlock’s Eldritch Blast, but I was committed to the bit, so I changed the music up during each fight.
After we got through the initial intro on the Mind Flayer ship, we headed down the surface and recruited all the party members, just to send them back to camp so we could keep playing together. When you’re suddenly skipping over pivotal story moments to get back to being the most nonsensical ball of chaos the Forgotten Realms has ever seen, it starts rewiring how your brain engages with a game like Baldur’s Gate 3. This is the kind of RPG I usually pour myself into as I roleplay and agonize over my decisions, but now, the world was our playground, and I figured I might as well vibe.
Once the weight of story investment was off our shoulders, we started fighting each other just because we could, whether it was mindlessly attacking our fellow party members or wasting valuable resources like spell slots to annihilate each other. Then we had to drop money and items to revive each other so we could keep playing. The best parts of Baldur’s Gate 3 are found when it’s reacting to your presence, and even when we only had low-level spells or hadn’t quite reached the more elaborate scenarios found later in the game, I realized that the possibilities only increased tenfold when multiple human players are occupying the world without restriction. Sure, we were just merking each other then, but what if we were actually trying to play the game properly?
Eventually, we started making progress again and managed to pull ourselves together long enough to recruit Withers for our camp. Then, we took a Long Rest and were greeted by our respective Guardians. Arendelle met my character in a dream world and what started out as me being lazy and stupid, suddenly set a lightbulb off in my head. If I’d had a character sheet to write on, I’d have started scribbling down notes. What if, instead of this co-op campaign being just a meaningless romp with my friends, it was an extension of my Baldur’s Gate 3 story?
Screenshot: Larian Studios / Kotaku
Making a Baldur’s Gate 3 co-op campaign an extension of your solo story
I come from a pretty extensive fanfiction background from my middle and high school days, having written some truly terrible shit as a teenager and read much better work in the years that followed. It’s part of why role-playing games are so appealing to me. I love filling in the gaps between what a creator tells me, and it informs decisions I make in titles like Baldur’s Gate 3. Some folks like to play multiple characters and explore every possible outcome, but I like creating a set character with specific decisions. That’s my story in Baldur’s Gate 3, and as I saw my own character show up and seek council with Arendelle the Tiefling Bard, my mind started racing wondering how this could factor into that. What if they were star-crossed lovers communicating with each other across the multiverse? Could it be possible my Warlock had forgotten the Tiefling as part of a deal with his patron? I could just go full sicko mode and write that backstory in a Google Doc somewhere.
Part of the appeal of tabletop roleplaying games is creating backstories for your characters and envisioning how they would react to situations based on their history and lived experience. Even if you don’t put a lot of thought into it, the heroes and villains we create are meant to be a rich tapestry beyond just stats and abilities. Playing Baldur’s Gate 3 with friends expanded my vision of what the game could be, both in how it could be played and in why my character is who he is.
Every time I boot Baldur’s Gate 3 up, I find new wrinkles in what Larian Studios has created, and even after finishing my first “canonical” run, I’m becoming more open to new ways of experiencing it. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to read up on multiverse concepts in Dungeons & Dragons. I’ve got notes to take and character sheets to make.
Baldur’s Gate 3 lets you romance a plethora of in-game characters. You can kiss them up in preparation for some tantalizing sex, but if you’re a short king or queen, then it appears you skip first base and get right to the second.
11 Minutes With Baldur’s Gate 3’s Character Creator
Larian Studios has made it clear that every character is horny. You can flirt with humans, demons, elves, and even bears—if it’s fuckable, it’s probably lovable, meaning you can cuddle up to nearlyanyone you put the work into. But the developers maybe weren’t prepared for how height differences play a role in smooching and coitus. And a Baldur’s Gate 3 player revealed just how, um, interesting a kiss looks when you’re pint-sized and your partner isn’t.
Kissing in Baldur’s Gate 3 is hard when you’re tiny
Jesse Vitelli, an associate editor at gaming publication Prima Games, tweeted on August 11 an image of their Gnome character attempting a kiss in-game.
“My gnome can’t even kiss my love because he’s too short,” Vitelli said. “This is the kissing animation. This is NOT Short King Summer.”
Gnomes are a race known for being fast and smart. They’re also one of the shortest races in the entire Dungeons & Dragons franchise at about 3 feet, 5.5 inches in height, second only to the Haflings that stand at roughly 3 feet tall. Vitelli’s love, the Tiefling Karlach, is anywhere from 5 feet, 6 inches to 6 feet, 2 inches tall. So, when Vitelli’s Gnome goes in for a kiss, instead of their lips locking in sensual romance, it looks like the Gnome is going down on the horned Karlach. I’m sure that wasn’t intended, but it happened and I’m dead.
In a direct message with Kotaku, Vitelli said his Rizzard (a portmanteau of “rizz” and “wizard” that he came up with because his Gnome was “trying to fall in love with multiple characters”) did kiss the High Half-Elf Shadowheart once but broke that budding relationship off when he saw the Tiefling Karlach.
“Karlach and I banged,” Vitelli said “The scene itself was fine except it was very funny to see my little Gnome’s butt be tiny [next to] Karlach and this giant demon lady.”
At any rate, Baldur’s Gate 3 has taken the internet by storm. Not only has it become the highest-rated game on Metacritic, but it’s also got so many players on Steam that it nearly beat Hogwarts Legacy’s concurrent player count. Not everything is perfect. The studio is currently working on over 1,000 fixes, with mid-game character customization also coming down the pipeline. Still, Baldur’s Gate 3 is a shining beacon in the often troubled state of game development, even if some are using it to spark cyclical arguments.