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  • Good Will Hunting: A Masterclass in Therapy and Emotional Growth

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    Take a deep dive into the therapeutic relationship as illustrated in the classic film Good Will Hunting, where a defiant genius and a compassionate therapist confront pain, grief, and regret in an emotional journey that changes them both.


    Good Will Hunting (1997) is a widely acclaimed cinematic masterpiece, offering one of the most compelling depictions of therapy ever portrayed on screen — and it remains one of my personal favorite movies of all time.

    The main protagonist is Will Hunting (played by Matt Damon) who is portrayed as an underachieving genius who works a modest life as a janitor at the prestigious MIT. Despite his intelligence, he’s emotionally guarded and frequently gets into brawls and run-ins with the law. One day he solves a difficult math equation on a chalkboard and is then approached by professors and faculty to pursue his talents in mathematics, but first he has to see a therapist and work out his personal problems.

    Will’s journey into therapy begins reluctantly with a typical “I don’t need to see a shrink” attitude. But after a series of arrests and getting bailed out, he’s court-ordered to start seeing someone. He cycles through five therapists, including a hypnotist, antagonizing each one to the point that they refuse to work with him. Will’s sharp intellect and deep emotional defenses make it nearly impossible for anyone to break through and connect with him.

    Finally he meets Sean Maguire (played by Robin Williams), a compassionate but no-nonsense therapist with a rich life of experiences, including deep wounds from his past, and accumulated wisdom. This article breaks down their relationship, session by session, to explore how it evolved throughout the film and potential lessons we can takeaway from it.

    First Meeting: Tensions and Boundary Testing

    Will’s first meeting with Sean begins with his usual strategy of intellectual dominance and boundary testing.

    He scans Sean’s office, searching for things to criticize, and immediately targets his book collection. “You people baffle me. You spend all this money on beautiful, fancy books, and they’re the wrong f***ing books.” Sean, unfazed, spars back, standing his ground while playfully naming books he assumes Will has read.

    Things reach a climax in the scene when Will begins to mock a painting hanging on the wall, which hits a personal nerve for Sean regarding the grief and loss of his wife. Sean’s reaction is striking and unconventional. After listening patiently, he suddenly grabs Will by the throat and threatens him: “If you ever disrespect my wife again, I will end you.”

    While it’s an unethical move for a therapist, this unorthodoxy shows Will that he is not dealing with an ordinary therapy. Both Will and Sean share working class Irish backgrounds in the hard streets of Boston. Sean knows this language and he is willing to speak it if it’s the only way to get through to Will. Sean thus establishes himself as someone who understands Will’s world, where strength and confrontation often dominate.

    This moment lays the foundation for their relationship. Sean shows he’s human, not just a clinical professional, but also that he won’t be intimidated or dismissed by Will’s antics. It’s the first step in breaking down Will’s defenses.

    The Bench Scene: A Turning Point

    After their intense first meeting, Sean invites Will to a park, where he delivers one of the most memorable monologues in the film. Sean begins by admitting his vulnerability, sharing that Will’s comments about the painting kept him up all night and genuinely bothered him.

    By admitting Will’s comments hurt him, Sean shows he’s willing to show weakness, but then he sharply pivots to challenge Will directly, “But then you know what occurred to me? You’re just a kid. You don’t have the faintest idea what you’re talking about.”

    Sean goes on to explain that despite Will’s intellectual brilliance, he lacks lived experience. Sean shares personal moments that defined him — seeing the Sistine Chapel in person, being truly in love with someone, the scars of losing friends in war, and watching a loved one die of cancer. These deep experiences illustrate the limitations of knowledge without life. Sean’s speech is a blend of tough love and empathy, forcing Will to confront the gap between his intellectual defenses and his emotional reality.

    good will hunting bench

    The bench scene sets the tone for the remainder of their therapy. Sean acknowledges Will’s brilliance but challenges him to live beyond books and theories. Sean leaves the door open for Will to continue having sessions with him only if he is ready to truly open up.

    Second Therapy Session: Silence

    The next therapy session begins with complete silence as Sean and Will sit across from each other. After two emotionally charged meetings and still lingering tensions, neither is willing to be the first to reach out or break the quiet.

    The entire hour goes by and neither says a word. While this may feel like an unproductive session, this is another important moment in their relationship. The power of silence acts as a reset button in their relationship.

    Sometimes, simply sitting in the same room without confrontation (“sharing space”) can be a meaningful step toward healing. It allows both Sean and Will to recalibrate, setting the stage for a more productive dynamic moving forward.

    Third Therapy Session: Humor and Opening Up

    The silence stand-off continues into their third session, with each still not willing to budge or say the first word.

    Finally Will breaks the silence with a dirty joke, immediately breaking the tensions in the room and reinitiating conversation in a fun and light-hearted way. After they share a laugh, Will begins to open up about a girl he’s been dating recently. Will mentions how he worries the girl is “too perfect,” and that getting to know her more would just shatter that illusion. Sean wisely responds back, “That’s a super philosophy, that way you can go through your entire life without ever really getting to know anybody.”

    Sean opens up about his wife and the quirks behind their love, like her farting in her sleep and waking up the dog. After all these years, these are the little moments he remembers and cherishes about her. No one is “perfect,” and it’s often the imperfections that make someone special to us.

    good will hunting laugh

    Robin Williams improvised the story about his wife causing Matt Damon to genuinely burst out into laughter during this scene.


    After more light-hearted banter, Will turns the tables and ask why Sean never got remarried. Will firmly replies, “My wife is dead.” Then Will, always testing and challenging, uses one of Sean’s lines against him: “That’s a super philosophy, that way you can go through your entire life without ever really getting to know anybody.”

    Fourth Therapy Session: Love, Opportunities, and Regrets

    Now on much more amicable terms, Will opens up with an honest question, “Do you ever wonder what your life would be like if you never met your wife?”

    Sean accepts that there’s been a lot of pain and suffering in his relationship, but he doesn’t regret any of it, because the good moments were worth it and he wouldn’t trade a single day with her through good or bad times. Will presses to learn more, “When did you know she was the one?”

    “October 21, 1975.”

    It was game six of the World Series, the biggest game in Red Sox history – and Sean slept on the sidewalk all night with friends to get tickets. He recalls the momentous occasion when the Red Sox hit a game-winning home run and everyone rushed the field.

    “Did you rush the field?”

    “Hell no, I wasn’t there. I was in a bar having a drink with my future wife.”

    The story illustrates how Sean knew his wife was the one when he was willing to miss the opportunity of a life-changing moment (being at a historical sporting event) for an even bigger life-changing moment (finding love and his future wife).

    Will is incredulous and yells at Sean for missing the game. He asks, “How did your friends let you get away with that?” And Will simply replies, “I just slid my ticket across the table and said, ‘Sorry guys, I gotta see about a girl.’”

    Fifth Therapy Session: Facing Potential and Values

    In this session, Will begins to ask deep questions about what he wants to do with the rest of his life and what are the best uses of his intelligence and talents.

    After a job interview with the NSA, Will goes into a diatribe about how his talents could be hypothetically used for catastrophic consequences, like overthrowing foreign governments, destabilizing entire countries, or getting his friends sent to fight some war overseas.

    Sean asks him directly, “What are you passionate about? What do you want?”

    They discuss the honor of work, including construction work and Will’s job as a janitor and the pride he takes in it, even though society may not view it as the most rewarding job in the world. Sean prods further asking why he chose to be a janitor at the most prestigious technical university in the world, and why he secretly finished math problems, highlighting that there may be something else driving Will.

    Sean asks again what Will wants to do with his life, and he deflects by joking that he wants to be a shepherd on his own plot of land away from the world. Sean isn’t willing to waste his time and decides to end the session early. Will has a final outburst before leaving, “You’re lecturing me on life? Look at you, you burnout!”

    This session reveals how Will is afraid of his potential and talents, including the responsibility that comes with them. “I didn’t ask to be born like this.” He feels safe continuing to live in his hometown, work his everyday job, and hangout with his childhood friends. He’s afraid to dream bigger. There may be something deeper driving Will’s thirst for knowledge, but he doesn’t know his core values and motivations, and doesn’t truly know himself or what he wants out of life.

    Sixth Therapy Session: “It’s Not Your Fault”

    The next therapy session begins with Sean uncovering more about Will’s painful past, particularly his life as an orphan and the physical abuse he endured with his foster parents. Sean reveals that he, too, grew up with an abusive, alcoholic father, forging another shared bond between them.

    As their conversation unfolds, Will correctly guesses that his final psychological report likely diagnoses him with “attachment issues” and a “fear of abandonment.” He acknowledges that these issues may have driven him to push his girlfriend away, leading to their recent breakup. When Sean gently asks if he wants to talk about it, Will declines.

    Sean then shifts the focus, holding onto the reports as he says, “I don’t know a lot. But you see this? All this shit? It’s not your fault.”

    At first, Will politely agrees, brushing off the comment, but Sean repeats the line: “It’s not your fault.” With each repetition, Will’s emotional defenses begin to crumble, and he cycles through a range of emotions—politeness, confusion, anger, and aggression—until the weight of Sean’s words fully sinks in. Overwhelmed, Will finally breaks down and cries, releasing years of suppressed pain and guilt.

    good will hunting

    In this profoundly cathartic moment, Sean embraces Will, offering the safe and empathetic connection that has been absent from Will’s life. It’s a turning point where Will confronts his past without blame or self-judgment, finally opening the door to acceptance and healing.

    Last Goodbye

    In their last meeting, Will thanks Sean for all of his help and shares the good news that he has accepted an exciting new job. Sean, in turn, reveals his plans to travel and explore life on his own terms. They exchange numbers to keep in touch, symbolizing the respect and connection they’ve built.

    This moment underscores that therapy is often a chapter in life that prepares individuals to continue their journeys independently. Both Will and Sean needed to say their goodbyes and go their separate ways to continue following their paths in life. Will has learned to face his fears and embrace his potential. Sean has rediscovered purpose and fulfillment through helping Will. Their goodbye is bittersweet but profound, a reminder that growth often requires letting go and moving forward.

    In the final scene, Will leaves a letter at Sean’s place that reads, “If the professor calls about that job, just tell him sorry—I had to go see about a girl.” This moment beautifully exemplifies Will’s newfound courage to follow his heart and take meaningful risks.

    Conclusion

    The therapeutic relationship between Sean and Will in Good Will Hunting is a masterclass in storytelling and psychology. Through humor, vulnerability, and mutual respect, Sean helps Will break through years of pain and fear, while Will reignites Sean’s passion for life. Their journey is a powerful testament to the transformative potential of therapy — and how creating a space of acceptance, healing, and growth can change lives.


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    Steven Handel

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  • Kaiser mental health professionals in Southern California go on strike

    Kaiser mental health professionals in Southern California go on strike

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    Psychologists, therapists and other mental health professionals who work for Kaiser Permanente across Southern California went on strike Monday morning, protesting that the healthcare organization had failed to address enduring problems that hamper its mental health care.

    The National Union of Healthcare Workers said that nearly 2,400 mental health workers had launched their job action after Kaiser management had turned down proposals that the union said would stanch employee turnover and improve care. The NUHW contract for the workers expired Sept. 30.

    “Unless we strike, our coworkers are going to keep leaving,” San Diego psychologist Josh Garcia said in a union statement before the walkout, “and our patients are going to keep struggling in an underfunded, understaffed system that doesn’t meet their needs.”

    Ahead of the strike, Kaiser said it had made strong proposals to improve wages, benefits and preparation time for therapists. It faulted the union for “slow walking the negotiation process,” saying that any strike was “because NUHW leadership chose this path — rather than a path to an agreement.”

    The strike comes one year after Kaiser agreed to a $200-million settlement with California regulators who found that patients were subjected to excessive wait times for therapy appointments. Kaiser agreed to pay a $50-million penalty and spend $150 million over five years to improve its mental health care.

    Kaiser said that even before the state settlement, it had started ramping up mental health care spending. The organization said it had spent more than $1 billion to expand its mental health care in recent years and increased its Southern California mental health workforce by more than 30%.

    As the healthcare organization was seeing “throughout California, throughout the nation, this mental health crisis, we knew that we needed to act quickly,” said Rhonda Chabran, its vice president of behavioral health and wellness for Southern California and Hawaii.

    Union leaders said problems have persisted. In a recent letter to the state, NUHW alleged Kaiser was continuing to violate California law, which sets timelines for providing mental health care, and that “these failures are widespread.” NUHW said in its surveys of the Kaiser mental health workers in Southern California, 62% of respondents said their departments lacked enough staff to provide timely and appropriate care.

    The union said it was pushing for higher wages, better benefits and more guaranteed time to handle duties outside of patient appointments. NUHW members lamented that unlike in Northern California, where the union said that Kaiser therapists are now guaranteed seven hours a week to handle tasks such as preparing treatment plans, Southern California therapists with Kaiser may only get two hours a week to do so.

    “There’s a lot of things that we need to do in preparing for a visit: Developing appropriate treatment plans. Writing letters for our clients … They do not give us the time to do that,” said Lisa Delgadillo, a Kaiser psychiatric social worker in Fontana. “People think therapy is just talking to people, but it’s more than that.”

    Kassaundra Gutierrez-Thompson, a psychiatric counselor, said she sees a dozen or more patients a day in a Kaiser virtual therapy program meant for “mild to moderate” patients. The sessions each last a half hour, she said, but scheduling and other tasks cut into that time.

    Gutierrez-Thompson likened it to being a factory worker. “It’s really hard to stay a good therapist in this system,” she said. “We have to make choices like, ‘Do I make eye contact, or do I finish this note?’”

    NUHW has also proposed a series of raises totaling more than 30% over four years. Union leaders said the wage hikes were needed to bring their compensation in line with other health professionals at Kaiser.

    Kaiser said that its Southern California therapists already have generous benefits and compensation, with wages that are above market rates, and that it had offered raises at the bargaining table totaling more than 18%. It also said it had offered more time for duties outside of face-to-face appointments, but that the union proposal could pull therapists away from seeing patients for a significant chunk of their working week.

    The healthcare system said it had plans in place to minimize possible disruptions from the walkout, which has no defined length. Because Kaiser relies not only on employees but “an external network of contracted providers” for mental health care, it estimated that 60% of its patients receiving mental health and addiction services are currently getting care from providers who will not be participating in the NUHW strike.

    If their regular provider is on strike, Kaiser said, “patients will have the opportunity to be seen by another professional in our extensive network of highly qualified, licensed therapists.”

    Union leaders urged the state to keep tabs on how Kaiser was providing care during the strike, pointing out that the state Department of Managed Health Care found it had canceled appointments for tens of thousands of patients during a walkout by Northern California therapists two years ago.

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    Emily Alpert Reyes

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  • Social Support Database (PDF)

    Social Support Database (PDF)

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    This worksheet will show you how to create a “Social Support Database” to serve as a positive reminder of all the people in your life who have your back, including family, friends, neighbors, coworkers, therapists, and support groups.


    This content is for Monthly, Yearly, and Lifetime members only.
    Join Here


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    Steven Handel

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  • Plenty of People Could Quit Therapy Right Now

    Plenty of People Could Quit Therapy Right Now

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    About four years ago, a new patient came to see me for a psychiatric consultation because he felt stuck. He’d been in therapy for 15 years, despite the fact that the depression and anxiety that first drove him to seek help had long ago faded. Instead of working on problems related to his symptoms, he and his therapist chatted about his vacations, house renovations, and office gripes. His therapist had become, in effect, an expensive and especially supportive friend. And yet, when I asked if he was considering quitting treatment, he grew hesitant, even anxious. “It’s just baked into my life,” he told me.

    Among those who can afford it, regular psychotherapy is often viewed as a lifelong project, like working out or going to the dentist. Studies suggest that most therapy clients can measure their treatments in months instead of years, but a solid chunk of current and former patients expect therapy to last indefinitely. Therapists and clients alike, along with celebrities and media outlets, have endorsed the idea of going to therapy for extended stretches, or when you’re feeling fine. I’ve seen this myself with friends who are basically healthy and think of having a therapist as somewhat like having a physical trainer. The problem is, some of the most commonly sought versions of psychotherapy are simply not designed for long-term use.

    Therapy comes in many varieties, but they all share a common goal: to eventually end treatment because you feel and function well enough to thrive on your own. Stopping doesn’t even need to be permanent. If you’ve been going to therapy for a long time, and you’re no longer in acute distress, and you have few symptoms that bother you, consider taking a break. You might be pleasantly surprised by how much you learn about yourself.

    Therapy, in both the short and long term, can be life-altering. Short-term therapy tends to be focused on a particular problem, such as a depressed mood or social anxiety. In cognitive behavioral therapy, usually used for depressive and anxiety disorders, a clinician helps a client relieve negative feelings by correcting the distorted beliefs that he has about himself. In dialectical behavior therapy, commonly used to treat borderline personality disorder, patients learn skills to manage powerful emotions, which helps improve their mood and relationships. Both treatments typically last less than a year. If you start to get rusty or feel especially challenged by life events that come your way, you simply return for another brief stint. Termination is expected and normal.

    Some types of therapy, such as psychodynamic therapy and psychoanalysis, are designed to last for several years—but not forever. The main goal of these therapies is much more ambitious than symptom relief; they aim to uncover the unconscious causes of suffering and to change a client’s fundamental character. At least one well-regarded study found that long-term therapy is both highly effective and superior to briefer treatment for people diagnosed with a clinically significant psychiatric illness; other papers have shown less conclusive evidence for long-term therapy. And few studies compare short and extended treatment for clients with milder symptoms.

    In fact, there’s reason to believe that talk therapy in the absence of acute symptoms may sometimes cause harm. Excessive self-focus—easily facilitated in a setting in which you’re literally paying to talk about your feelings—can increase your anxiety, especially when it substitutes for tangible actions. If your neurotic or depressive symptoms are relatively mild (meaning they don’t really interfere with your daily functioning), you might be better served by spending less time in a therapist’s office and more time connecting with friends, pursuing a hobby, or volunteering. Therapists are trained to use the tools they’ve learned for certain types of problems, and many of the stress-inducing minutiae of daily life are not among them. For example, if you mention to your therapist that you’re having trouble being efficient at work, he might decide to teach you a stress-reduction technique, but your colleagues or boss might provide more specific strategies for improving your performance.

    One of my childhood friends, whose parents were both psychoanalysts, went to weekly therapy appointments while we were growing up. He was a happy, energetic kid, but his parents wanted him and his sister to be better acquainted with their inner lives, to help them deal with whatever adversity came their way. My friend and his sister both grew up to be successful adults, but also highly anxious and neurotic ones. I imagine their parents would say the kids would have been worse without the therapy—after all, mental illness ran in their family. But I can find no substantial clinical evidence supporting this kind of “preventive” psychotherapy.

    Beginning therapy in the first place is, to be clear, a privilege. Therapy is not covered by many insurance plans, and a very large number of people who could benefit from it can’t afford it for any duration. Only 47 percent of Americans with a psychiatric illness received any form of treatment in 2021; in fact, federal estimates suggest that the United States is several thousand mental-health professionals short, a gap that is likely to grow in the coming years. Stopping therapy when you’re ready opens up space for others who might need this scarce service more than you do.

    I do not mean to suggest that a therapy vacation should be considered lightly, or that it’s for everyone. If you have a serious mental-health disorder, such as major depression or bipolar disorder, you should discuss with your mental-health provider whether ending therapy is appropriate for your individual situation. (Keep in mind that your therapist might not be ready to quit when you are. Aside from a financial incentive to continue treatment, parting with a charming, low-maintenance patient is not so easy.) My rule of thumb is that you should have minimal to no symptoms of your illness for six months or so before even considering a pause. Should you and your therapist agree that stopping is reasonable, a temporary break with a clear expiration date is ideal. At any time, if you’re feeling worse, you can always go back.

    Psychiatrists do something similar with psychiatric meds: For example, when I prescribe a depressed patient an antidepressant, and then they remain stable and free of symptoms for several years, I usually consider tapering the medication to determine whether it’s still necessary for the patient’s well-being. I would do this only for patients who are at a low risk of relapse—for example, people who’ve had just one or two episodes, rather than many over a lifetime. Pausing therapy should be even less risky: The beautiful thing about therapy is that, unlike a drug, it equips you with new knowledge and skills, which you carry with you when you leave.

    About a year after my patient and I first talked about ending therapy, I ran into him in a café. He told me that stopping had taken him six months, but now he was thriving. Maybe you, like my patient, are daunted by the idea of quitting cold turkey. If so, consider taking a vacation from treatment instead. It might be the perfect way to see how far you’ve really come.

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    Richard A. Friedman

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  • Austin Pets Alive! | A Day in the Life of “Dr. Harley,” APA!’s…

    Austin Pets Alive! | A Day in the Life of “Dr. Harley,” APA!’s…

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    Hi, I’m Dr. Harley (aka “Dog-tor” Harley). I’m the resident therapy dog here at Austin Pets Alive!, providing a much-needed listening ear, emotional support and calming presence to the humans working hard to get dogs like me adopted. My days are pretty jam-packed and I never know what they’ll bring. Sometimes my clients present with a classic case of separation anxiety, while other times I’m just a sounding board for their doggy drama. I get asked all the time what it’s like to be a four-legged therapist, so I’m pulling back the curtain to give you a glimpse into a day in the life of Dr. Harley. (All names have been changed to maintain client confidentiality.)

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  • 6 Common Factors Behind All Successful Therapy

    6 Common Factors Behind All Successful Therapy

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    According to “common factors theory,” the essence of successful therapy lies in shared core elements, and the differences between therapeutic approaches are often less important than fulfilling these fundamental criteria.


    One frequent question people ask themselves when they first decide to seek therapy is, “What type of therapy should I get?”

    There are many different types of talk therapy to choose from. Often specific types of therapy are geared toward specific mental disorders. Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy is common for depression and anxiety disorders, Dialectic Behavioral Therapy is common for bipolar and mood disorders, and EMDR is common among those with PTSD.

    How much do these therapies differ? How much does it matter?

    One interesting idea in psychology is “common factors theory.” The basic premise is that effective therapy isn’t necessarily based on any specific type of therapeutic tool or technique, but rather there are underlying factors behind all therapies that make them successful.

    Many therapeutic systems have been invented over the past century. Today, every popular therapist or coach has their own trademarked brand that’s sold as the absolute best approach to mental health.

    The less glamorous truth is that most successful therapies aren’t special. There’s significant overlap between different approaches, with a couple extra bells and whistles. However, at the end of the day the biggest reason they are successful is because they all meet fundamental criteria.

    Below you’ll learn more about these “common factors” behind successful therapy, including: collaboration, empathy, alliance, positive regard, genuineness, and individual differences.

    6 Common Factors Behind All Successful Therapy

    One interesting study identified 6 common factors behind all “evidence-based” therapy. They also calculated estimates on how much each factor contributed to the overall variability of therapeutic outcomes.

    Here are the 6 common factors behind all successful therapy:

    • Goal consensus / collaboration (11.5%) – The most important factor is that both the therapist and client share the same goal and they’re willing to work together to achieve it. A goal can be anything from managing negative emotions, to stopping bad habits, to improving communication skills. If their goals mismatch (such as the client not wanting to change or the therapist wanting to go in a different direction), then it’ll be difficult if not impossible to make any progress. Both people need to be on the same page.
    • Empathy (9%) – The therapist must have a clear understanding of who their patient is and where they are coming from. This means being aware of their current thoughts and feelings, but also learning a comprehensive history of that patient’s past experiences and background. We build empathy by seeking knowledge and understanding about another person. Don’t try to guess, label, or project where someone is coming from. Ask questions and learn. A therapist must treat each person as their own individual case. A scientific study of n=1. Every person has a unique story and a therapist’s job is to learn each person’s story.
    • Alliance (7.5%) – Both therapist and client must see their relationship as a partnership where each puts in equal effort to realize their shared goal. For the therapist, this means providing advice, encouragement, compliments, and constructive feedback. For the client, this means putting in work outside of the therapy session (in everyday life) so they actually see changes and results. A healthy alliance requires three main components: 1) A shared bond between therapist and client, 2) Agreement about the goals of therapy, and 3) Agreement about the tasks to achieve it (practical advice, tips, suggestions, exercises, homework). Therapy has to be viewed as more than just talking once per week, but rather an impetus to work together, create a plan, and achieve real progress.
    • Positive regard / affirmation (7.3%) – It’s important that the therapist treats the patient with optimism, positivity, compliments, and encouragement. While a therapist sometimes needs to provide critical and constructive feedback, they should generally promote the patient’s self-esteem and core values. If a therapist tries to fundamentally change something about a person that they don’t want to, there’s naturally going to be conflict and difficulties. One idea known as unconditional positive regard was popularized by the humanistic psychologist Carl Rogers. He highlighted the importance of being agreeable and respectful toward the patient’s core beliefs, values, and goals (even if you disagree with them). Rogers saw therapy as a tool to encourage self-discovery and self-awareness, not tell a patient exactly how they should live their life.
    • Congruence / genuineness (5.7%) – Both the therapist and patient need to be open, genuine, and authentic. If the patient feels the therapist is just “putting on an act” or “pretending to be nice,” they are going to want to pullback and disengage from the process. A good therapist needs to be just as vulnerable as the patient. This means sharing relevant thoughts and feelings, being honest and matter-of-fact, and being willing to express emotions when appropriate. One telltale sign of incongruence is when there is a mismatch in body language (including posture, facial expressions, or tone of voice). If a therapist’s words don’t match their body language, the patient likely won’t develop any trust or rapport.
    • Therapist differences (5%) – The last important factor, which may be beyond our control, is personality differences between the therapist and client. Not everyone is designed to get along with everyone, and sometimes the therapist and patient are just too different when it comes to attitude, temperament, background, or lifestyle. Many therapy sessions don’t work out simply because the therapist/patient relationship doesn’t seem to mesh right. This is why it’s recommended that a person tries out multiple therapists when first starting out. Then they can find someone that fits with their personality and a therapist to commit to long-term.

    These are the 6 most common factors behind successful therapy. They account for ~50% of the total variability in therapeutic outcomes, so there are still many other factors at play.

    In truth, different types of therapies have their advantages and disadvantages, and certain approaches may work better for some and not at all for others.

    Regardless of the system, successful therapy often needs to meet the basic requirements listed above. Without these common factors being met, no technique or approach is going to work.

    A Warning on Overspecialized Therapy

    A therapist needs to be flexible in their approach and try not to force fit everyone into their preferred model.

    The more a person is trained and/or educated on a specific field in psychology, the more they seem to be “locked in” to only one way of observing the human condition. They don’t talk to people as human beings at face value, but instead think, “How does this person fit into my cognitive/behavioral/psychodynamic/evolutionary model?”

    Expertise (and overspecialization) can narrow vision. A certain element of beginner’s mind is the best approach to therapy. Start with the basic questions, “Who is this person? What do they care about? What makes them tick? What do they want to change?”

    Assume nothing and ask questions. Learn about the person from scratch. Connect to them human-to-human and see where it goes.

    More concerning, certain therapies have become popularized and over-hyped in recent years. They’ve turned into commercial brands. “Cognitive-behavioral therapy” has become a buzzword in many circles because the average person associates it with the only “evidence-based” therapy.

    Of course I’m not against specific therapies. I’ve learned a lot of helpful tools and techniques from various systems (including CBT) that I still practice today.

    At the end of the day, I’m a pragmatist, so there’s almost no therapy, treatment, medication, or technique I’m 100% for or against. If it helps just one person, then it’s that much effective.

    However, in general, a good therapist needs to have a comprehensive understanding of how humans work. Tools and techniques can be in your back-pocket, but first and foremost you need to approach people as individual human beings seeking growth.

    Successful therapy can’t be reduced to a checklist.

    The Gloria Tapes: 3 Therapeutic Approaches

    This topic reminds me of an old series of videos known as the Gloria Tapes.

    It was an educational film made in the 1960s to teach psychology students the differences between therapeutic approaches.

    The series follows a single patient, Gloria, who receives therapy from three distinguished psychologists of the time: Carl Rogers, Fritz Perls, and Albert Ellis.

    The therapy is limited since it’s only one session each, but you can get a good understanding of the radically different approaches by each therapist.

    You can watch each of the sessions here:

    Each of these videos reveals a different approach to therapy.

    Albert Ellis is most aligned with modern cognitive and rational-based approaches. Carl Rogers has a more gentle and humanistic approach. Fritz Perls has a direct and provocative approach (almost to the point of bullying).

    If I remember correctly, the patient Gloria felt the most comfortable with Rogers, but she actually went for a second session with Perls. I don’t know how to interpret that – it’s possible she felt “unfinished business” with Perls or she simply enjoyed arguing with him.

    None of this says anything about “successful therapy.” Just one session isn’t adequate to measure “success” vs. “failure” when it comes to a long-term process like self-growth. However, these examples will give you a taste for the different types of therapies out there.

    Ultimately, successful therapy depends on both therapist and patient. The most important factor is to have a healthy, working relationship and a “build together” attitude. Once you have that foundation, anything is possible.


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    Steven Handel

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  • Happy 2024, I Have a Few Things for You | Love And Life Toolbox

    Happy 2024, I Have a Few Things for You | Love And Life Toolbox

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    2023 was quite a year.  To say there have been some challenges is an understatement but my hope for you is that you are finding some inspiration and optimism for the New Year.  There were highs, lows and transitions for many.  LoveAndlLifeToolbox.com was about experimentation and change in 2023.  The site has gone through a number of shifts in the over 10 years of its existence.  I continue to be a working therapist in private practice in Marin County, California while maintaining this site.

    I am very proud that LoveAndLifeToolbox.com remains a trusted emotional health and relationship resource with a global audience, offering education in many related areas including happiness, family of origin issues, unhealthy relationship patterns, emotional safety and self-help tools to supplement your growth.

    In celebration of the upcoming New Year, enjoy my 3 offerings:

    Top 3 Relationship Articles of 2023

    Unhealthy Relationships? Break Your Relationship Pattern

    People who continually get in bad relationships can benefit from understanding their role and how it’s linked to prior their prior experiences.  Then, change can occur.

    Rock Solid Marriage

    An assortment of views from several relationship experts on how to have the most stable, secure and loving relationship.

    Healthy Relationships: Assessing the Emotional Safety

    A look at one of the most critical aspects of well functioning intimate relationship and a mini assessement.

    Top 3 Emotional Health Articles of 2023

    What is Family of Origin Work?

    The role of family of origin issues and functioning, individually and in your relationships.

    Addressing the Problem of Feeling Unlovable

    Help to understand why people feel badly about themselves, rooted in core belief systems developed a long time ago.

    I’m a Therapist. Here’s What Happened on the Day I Met With Both an Arab and a Jew (Dr. Carl R. Nassar, Ph.D., LPC, CIIPTS)

    Guest post by a therapist, reflecting on a unique day for him seeing his clients.

    50% off all of my digital products through January 2024

    An opportunity to improve your emotional health and/or relationships at a deep discount.  I created my “Therapy-At-Home Workbooks” brand to help you “think like a therapist” as you address your areas for desired growth.  Perfect for those on a self-help path interested in education from a licensed and practicing therapist.  Enter the code G4FERDYU at checkout.

    Break Your Unhealthy Relationship Patterns

    The Marriage Refresher Course Workbook for Couples

    The Premarital Counseling Workbook for Couples

    Family of Origin: Untangle Your Unhealthy Roots

    Looking ahead…

    > May 2024 bring you inner peace, joy and quality connections with the people you care about.

    > Put intention into your relationships.  Treat friends, family and lovers as you would like to be treated.

    > Put intention into your personal happiness.  Do therapy work if needed to remove any obstacles that hold you back.

    > Practice self-care to be able to have the bandwidth to do all of the above.

    Warmly,

    Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT

    LoveAndLifeToolbox.com

    MarinTherapyAndCounseling.com

     

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    Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT

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  • Challenging Behaviors in Couples Therapy

    Challenging Behaviors in Couples Therapy

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    One of the challenging behaviors we are seeing in couples therapy is gaslighting. While it has become a cliche term, this set of behaviors is becoming more common in couples therapy. 

    What is Gaslighting?

    The American Psychological Association definition of gaslighting is to manipulate another person into doubting his or her perceptions, experiences, or understanding of events.

    According to Dr. Dana McNeil, PsyD, LMFT, CGT the gaslighter implies that you misunderstood what they said versus taking responsibility or showing any remorse for their bad behavior. There is an implication that their partner is overreacting. McNeil sees these types of gaslighting behaviors in her San Diego practice:

    • Negative body language and minimizing statements about the other person’s perspective or feelings 
    • Unwillingness to accept any part of the responsibility for a misunderstanding or conflict 
    • Intentional implication that the other person has fabricated a situation in order to create doubt or challenge the other person’s reality 
    • Cutting off the other person, not allowing them to make points or ask questions during a disagreement
    • No acknowledgment of partner’s hurt feelings when expressed, lack of empathy

    The partner of the gaslighter may experience self doubt and internalize that they didn’t work hard enough in the relationship. As a result they might feel guilty bringing up issues in the relationship.

    How does it show up in therapy?

    Here are some examples of what you might hear in session:

    • “You’re making things up.” 
    • “That never happened.“
    • “You’re being dramatic.“
    • “You’re blowing things out of proportion.“
    • “I am sorry you feel that way.”

    McNeil says that the gaslighter often times exhibits these behaviors because they:

    • Have low self-esteem and don’t know how to deal with it.
    • Have low capacity to sit with their own emotions.
    • Want to “fix” their partner’s feelings and don’t know how, so they minimize to avoid feeling like a failure.
    • Feel out of control in the relationship and wants to gain power in maladaptive ways.
    • Have difficulty in accepting influence from their partner due to discomfort with vulnerability.

    How to decrease gaslighting behaviors

    Usually by the time the couple seeks out therapy, one partner is seriously questioning their ability to be a good partner. It is important to validate the experience of the partner who has been manipulated and help them understand the pattern of behaviors. Work with them towards understanding what is in their control versus taking responsibility for all of the relationship problems.

    It is important as the therapist that you assume the best and maintain a positive perspective of the partner who is gaslighting. You will need to help them gain perspective about their behavior and how it is impacting the relationship. The behaviors are keeping them from getting their needs met which might be counterintuitive to them at first.

    Gottman Interventions to use in session:

    • Introduce the idea of a subjective reality and coach each partner to describe theirs (remind them that this isn’t about agreeing with their partner’s perspective).
    • Teach them to validate their partner’s experience and feelings.
    • Redirect partners to use “I” statements.
    • Use the antidotes for defensiveness and criticism (softened start up and taking responsibility, respectively).
    • Do some psychoeducation on softened start up where you ask partners to name their emotion and ask for their needs even if the other partner is unable to do it.
    • Practice the Aftermath of a Fight/Regrettable Incident.

    Gaslighting is a challenging behavior for a couples therapist to deal with. However, with the right tools and structure these dynamics can be changed for the better.

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    Kendra Han

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  • Cohabitating after separating? The arrangement is not uncommon, says marriage therapist: Here’s why it can be successful

    Cohabitating after separating? The arrangement is not uncommon, says marriage therapist: Here’s why it can be successful

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    Bill de Blasio, former mayor of New York City, and his wife Chirlane McCray announced their separation earlier this week. 

    But the end of their union doesn’t resemble what many would describe as a typical divorce. In fact, they aren’t getting divorced at all. 

    “They are not planning to divorce, they said, but will date other people,” The New York Times reported. “They will continue to share the Park Slope townhouse where they raised their two children, now in their 20s…” 

    This arrangement is becoming less uncommon, says psychologist Lisa Marie Bobby. She is also the clinical director of Growing Self Counseling & Coaching in Denver.

    “You know what I have seen, which I think is very positive, is people are staying out of the corners, staying out of black or white, all or nothing,” she says. “I do think there is more recognition for all of the gray areas in between [being married and divorced], and I certainly have seen and worked with couples who are separating and living together.” 

    ‘People feel empowered to write their own story’

    Divorcing in a nontraditional way is not wholly unheard of. We all remember the conscious uncoupling of Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin in 2014

    In recent years, Bobby says, more couples are embracing a softer transition out of marriage. Sometimes that transition can dip into exploring non-monogamy. In fact, more than one-fourth of Americans say they are interested in having an open relationship, according to a 2021 poll by YouGov

    “People are feeling that it is possible to take the good parts of a relationship and value and appreciate those, and realize that a stereotypical marital pact does not work for them so they need to do something different,” she says.

    I do think there is more recognition for all of the gray areas in between.

    While existing somewhere between married and divorced can seem messy, Bobby says it’s actually healthy for couples to sit down and think about what arrangement works for them. 

    “What I do love and do think is an important trend is people feeling empowered to write their own story,” she says. 

    Many couples end up finding comfort, and even happiness, in creating their own rulebook.

    DON’T MISS: Want to be smarter and more successful with your money, work & life? Sign up for our new newsletter!

    Get CNBC’s free Warren Buffett Guide to Investing, which distills the billionaire’s No. 1 best piece of advice for regular investors, do’s and don’ts, and three key investing principles into a clear and simple guidebook.

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  • When couples say they broke up over money, it’s not the real reason, therapist says. Here’s what is

    When couples say they broke up over money, it’s not the real reason, therapist says. Here’s what is

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    Orna Guralnik on Showtime’s “Couples Therapy.”

    Source: Showtime

    When I was growing up, my father used to repeat a saying he’d heard as a child from his grandmother: “When money doesn’t come through the door, love goes out the window.” That proverb appears to date back to a 19th century painting by the English artist George Frederick Watts, titled “When Poverty Comes in at the Door, Love Flies out of the Window.”

    I relayed the quote to psychoanalyst Orna Guralnik, and she agreed money is one of the biggest stressors on couples, “especially because of the society we live in.” Guralnik is the star of the Showtime documentary series “Couples Therapy,” in which she analyzes real patients in a room with hidden cameras. New episodes of its third season premiered last month.

    While financial issues can spark intense conflict for couples, Guralnik doesn’t believe money, or the lack of it, is the real reason they split up. “Ultimately, from my perspective, the breakup is not about money,” she said. Instead, Guralnik said, “the breakup is about not being able to negotiate differences, to be honest or to find a way to common ground.”

    More from Personal Finance:
    Credit card debt nears $1 trillion
    How to get started with investing, budgeting
    How much emergency savings you really need

    Guralnik describes money as one of the major “touchstones with reality” that can make it clear two people can’t problem-solve together. It is this inability to communicate, emphasize and compromise with each other that might ruin a relationship, she said.

    During my interview in late April with Guralnik, she had many other interesting things to say about love and money. Here are three of them.

    1. When people don’t talk about money, they’re ‘shielding themselves from knowing reality’

    In her work with patients, Guralnik said it can take a long time for people to open up about their financial situation.

    “Sometimes, I find people are more private about money than their sex life,” she said.

    It’s not just with their therapist people avoid topics such as debt or overspending, Guralnik said. People can be married for years and still not have told their partner what’s going on with their finances.

    Guralnik understands this avoidance of the subject.

    “In American society, money locates you in the social structure more than anything else,” she said. “A lot hangs on money in terms of people’s self-worth.”

    People take huge risks by avoiding talking about and confronting their finances, she said.

    “If you’re refusing to look at your bank account when you’re pulling out your credit card, you can accrue debt,” Guralnik said. “And if you keep doing that, that debt can be pretty devastating.”

    Sometimes, I find people are more private about money than their sex life.

    Orna Guralnik

    psychoanalyst and host of “Couples Therapy”

    “It can put you in the hole for a lifetime to come,” she added.

    “I’m not saying that hyperbolically,” Guralnik went on to say. “I have plenty of people that come into my office in that situation.”

    People are “shielding themselves from knowing reality” when they refuse to pay attention to their finances, Guralnik said. She added, “you can’t take care of yourself if you don’t deal with reality.”

    2. It’s OK ‘finances are part of the reasons people are together’

    At one point in the new episodes of season three of “Couples Therapy,” couple Kristi and Brock tell Guralnik they’re worried a big reason they’re moving in together is to save money.

    Guralnik doesn’t see a problem with that motivation, however. “I’m cool with the fact that finances are part of the reasons people are together,” she said.

    “Kristi and Brock are idealists, and I love them for that,” she went on. “They believe they should be moving in for love, not financial easement.”

    3. ‘Money is not just money. It stands for something else.’

    Two people in a relationship can have vastly different attitudes about money, Guralnik said.

    “Some people are frugal and can lean towards the obsessive side,” she said. “Some people do not have any impulse control, and they hate thinking about the future.”

    “Any conversation about budgeting or planning is excruciating for them,” she added.

    Jamie Grill | Getty Images

    To understand their behavior, Guralnik tries to understand what money has come to symbolize for her patients.

    “As a psychoanalyst, my general way of approaching things is with the belief that concrete realities are tied to unconscious realities,” she said.

    For example, she once had a patient who hoarded money. “We discovered through analysis that, for her, money stood for time,” Guralnik said. “By hoarding money, in her unconscious mind, she was protecting herself against death.”

    In other words, she said, “Money is not just money. It stands for something else, as well.”

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  • 4 ‘red flags’ that might mean your relationship is in trouble

    4 ‘red flags’ that might mean your relationship is in trouble

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    Most people have a rolodex of red flags that can turn them off on a first date. When you’re well into a serious partnership, though, red flags can be harder to identify.

    After a certain level of commitment is involved and you’ve been with your partner through many ups and downs, it can be challenging to know what is a rough patch and what is a sign that your relationship is in trouble.

    But there are some behaviors that might signal your partner is unhappy or that you two should have a serious talk about the state of your relationship.

    These 4 red flags might signal trouble in your relationship

    1. You feel like you’re raising your partner 

    Raising your partner refers to when you feel like someone hasn’t fully matured and you are the person to help them get to where they “need” to be, regardless of what they want.

    It can be about small things, like when to get to the airport, or big ones like how to budget for a house.

    It’s not a good dynamic, says Lisa Bobby, psychologist and clinical director of Growing Self Counseling & Coaching in Denver, Colorado.

    “I think that in itself can be a bit of a red flag in a relationship,” she says. “Not because a partner needs to be raised, but because they are with someone who thinks that they do.”

    Some signs you might be raising your partner include: 

    • You think their way of being is “not good enough,” Bobby says. You might get frustrated with how they make decisions or have opinions on how they could be more effective. 
    • You think they can’t accomplish anything without you. This goes a step further than getting frustrated and means you actually believe they couldn’t function without you. 
    • You don’t feel safe unless they do things your way. “If you need your partner to be doing certain things in certain ways in order for you to feel safe and happy, that is a sign of overdependence,” Bobby says. 

    2. You use these two terms

    John and Julie Gottman are renowned clinical psychologists and researchers. The two have interviewed more than 3,000 couples and followed some of them for as long as 20 years.

    They have also studied more than 40,000 couples who are about to begin couples therapy.

    One reason romantic unions slip into dismay, they write, is because people aren’t asking for what they need. 

    Instead, we drop hints about what we need in hopes that our partners will pick up on the clues and satisfy desires we’ve never actually vocalized.  When they fail to pass this already-doomed test, we criticize them and say: “You never” or “You always.” 

    “These red flag phrases alert us that a couple is in shaky territory,” they write. “The negative perspective might be starting to set in.” 

    Asking for what we require to be happy can feel tougher than it sounds. If you have trouble vocalizing, try these three things: 

    • Reflect: Think about what you want
    • Reframe: Instead of accusing your partner of not doing something, present an opportunity for them to do something.
    • Describe yourself: Ask for what you need by saying how you feel 

    Let’s say you reflect and decide more date nights would make you happy. You can reframe this as an opportunity and ask your partner for more dates by describing how you feel. 

    Instead of saying “You never take me on dates anymore,” say “I miss you. Can we plan to have more one-on-one date nights this month?”

    If you need your partner to be doing certain things in certain ways in order for you to feel safe and happy, that is a sign of overdependence.

    3. Your partner has stopped advocating for their needs

    For some partnerships red flags look like indifference

    Lia Love Avellino, a psychotherapist and the CEO of Spoke, an emotional wellness space in Brooklyn, says many of her clients who have a hard time initiating a break up don’t know how. 

    “A lot of the people bringing in concern about breaking up are people pleasers,” she says.

    “They are going along to get along and they are telling themselves they don’t want to hurt their partner, but really they don’t want to deal with the discomfort of being the person who calls it quits.” 

    Telling your partner what you need either emotionally or physically can create conflict, but it also means you care, Avellino says.

    If your significant other seems to have no interest in communicating what they are feeling to you, they might be disengaging from the relationship

    4. Your partner is unwilling to own their anger

    Instead of having direct conversations, your partner might start acting out of character.

    For example, if they enjoyed cooking for you every night, they might stop.

    “Their action is meant to dismiss the other person, but really they are feeling bad about their own needs not being met,” Avellino says. 

    If you notice your partner doing this, you might need to be forward for them.

    For example, you can say, “Hey, I noticed you’re not cooking anymore I want to check in with you.” 

    This might cause friction, but that’s not a bad thing.

    “Sometimes we think if we avoid the conversation and that by not naming it we are keeping the peace,” Avellino says. But “If you are naming it and there is a fight, you didn’t create the problem, you revealed the crack.”

    Check out:

    Men and women asked for raises at the same rate this year—men were more likely to get one

    Workers around the world say this is the best U.S. city for expats

    Workers who tested 4-day workweek say they’ll never return to 5 days—or only with a huge pay bump

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  • 10 Reasons You Need Therapy Now | LoveAndLifeToolBox

    10 Reasons You Need Therapy Now | LoveAndLifeToolBox

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    The stigma around seeing a therapist is not nearly what it once was.  In fact, many understand that going to therapy doesn’t mean there is “something wrong with you” but rather there are things you may not be able to see or understand in yourself that a therapist can help illuminate, then guide you to remove the obstacles that have held you back individually and/or in your relationships.

    When I first started my private practice many years ago, it was more common to see shame and embarrassment come up for people when they began therapy.  They were less likely to talk about it with others as they feared the perception of that would be negative.  Over the recent years, however, this has changed.  Many freely talk about their therapists and that they are in individual and couples counseling.  Needing a little support doesn’t have the same negative connotation it used to which I believe was a repellent to seeking help.    The education around mental health has helped push that along immensely.  “It’s ok not be okay,” has been instrumental in that.  The challenges that we have faced societally in the last few years has also exacerbated the need for intervention around anxiety and depression, also normalizing these conditions.

    More couples are coming into my therapy practice without being in crisis yet, which is so helpful.  I more often hear them say they want to avoid bigger problems later, music to my ears, as I know the consequences of letting relationship challenges build up.  The couples who have waited until resentment is high, emotional safety is low and their communication is ineffective,  have a deeper hole to dig out of.

    Whether there are obstacles blocking you in the way you see yourself, how you feel, how you relate to others or unhealthy relationship patterns, the benefit of beginning this work is clear.  Those who have the ability to hold a mirror up to themselves and own their role, can look at the impact of their past and stay focused on making changes in their lives now, can reap the benefits of the rest of a life finally being unstuck.  Why wouldn’t you?

    Here are 10 reasons you need therapy now.

    1. Your self esteem is in the toilet.  It’s time to look at why that is and challenge any faulty beliefs about who you are.
    2. Your conflict avoidance creates problems for you.  The consequences of not dealing with situations are high over time, internally and in your relationships.
    3. You are emotionally unavailable.  Where did you learn it was not safe to be vulnerable?  You can learn to be more emotionally available and connect with others in a more rewarding way.
    4. You keep getting into bad relationships.  Have you considered the possibility that it’s less about the problematic partners you have had and more about your choices?  Why do you lean in towards unhealthy situations?
    5. You are a perfectionist.  Where did you learn that you had do do things perfectly?  Is it possible this was learned as a way to feel more in control in a world you felt out of control?  Perfectionism is a set-up as life isn’t perfect and things happen.
    6. You struggle to manage your anger.  Do you need to look at your history and what that anger is really about?  Did it serve you at one time and no longer does?
    7. You abuse substances.  Are you using substances to medicate uncomfortable feelings?  What emotionally needs attention?
    8. Your relationship is disconnected.  Couples who slowly move further apart from each other emotionally often have unresolved hurt feelings or unmet needs between them.  The longer the disconnection, the more at risk your relationship is.
    9. You are possessive and jealous.  Where did you learn that the people you care about might leave you?  It’s time to look at your vulnerability in relationships to stop behaving in ways that may ultimately push your partners away.
    10. Your worry overtakes you.  What can your history tell you about why you assume the worst or get preoccupied over the possibility that things will go wrong?  Future-tripping around things that haven’t even happened can be exhausting.

    These are just some of the common issues that lead people to seek help.  The reason I suggest that you might “need therapy now” is that I want to encourage you to minimize your own suffering as soon as possible.  I also understand that despite therapy being more acceptable, there are still many things that can block people like fear of facing difficult things, a belief that looking back won’t be helpful or possibly being uncomfortable with the idea of sharing their lives with a stranger.  But I still hope to provide you a kernel of inspiration to try.

    If you don’t have any therapist referrals handy, check out the Psychology Today Therapist Directory to begin your search.  If you reside in California, see my California Online Therapy practice.  Wherever you live, if you have a specific question, I offer email Emotional Health / Relationship Consultations as an additional resource.

    1

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    Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT

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  • 10 Reasons You Need Therapy Now | LoveAndLifeToolBox

    10 Reasons You Need Therapy Now | LoveAndLifeToolBox

    [ad_1]

    The stigma around seeing a therapist is not nearly what it once was.  In fact, many understand that going to therapy doesn’t mean there is “something wrong with you” but rather there are things you may not be able to see or understand in yourself that a therapist can help illuminate, then guide you to remove the obstacles that have held you back individually and/or in your relationships.

    When I first started my private practice many years ago, it was more common to see shame and embarrassment come up for people when they began therapy.  They were less likely to talk about it with others as they feared the perception of that would be negative.  Over the recent years, however, this has changed.  Many freely talk about their therapists and that they are in individual and couples counseling.  Needing a little support doesn’t have the same negative connotation it used to which I believe was a repellent to seeking help.    The education around mental health has helped push that along immensely.  “It’s ok not be okay,” has been instrumental in that.  The challenges that we have faced societally in the last few years has also exacerbated the need for intervention around anxiety and depression, also normalizing these conditions.

    More couples are coming into my therapy practice without being in crisis yet, which is so helpful.  I more often hear them say they want to avoid bigger problems later, music to my ears, as I know the consequences of letting relationship challenges build up.  The couples who have waited until resentment is high, emotional safety is low and their communication is ineffective,  have a deeper hole to dig out of.

    Whether there are obstacles blocking you in the way you see yourself, how you feel, how you relate to others or unhealthy relationship patterns, the benefit of beginning this work is clear.  Those who have the ability to hold a mirror up to themselves and own their role, can look at the impact of their past and stay focused on making changes in their lives now, can reap the benefits of the rest of a life finally being unstuck.  Why wouldn’t you?

    Here are 10 reasons you need therapy now.

    1. Your self esteem is in the toilet.  It’s time to look at why that is and challenge any faulty beliefs about who you are.
    2. Your conflict avoidance creates problems for you.  The consequences of not dealing with situations are high over time, internally and in your relationships.
    3. You are emotionally unavailable.  Where did you learn it was not safe to be vulnerable?  You can learn to be more emotionally available and connect with others in a more rewarding way.
    4. You keep getting into bad relationships.  Have you considered the possibility that it’s less about the problematic partners you have had and more about your choices?  Why do you lean in towards unhealthy situations?
    5. You are a perfectionist.  Where did you learn that you had do do things perfectly?  Is it possible this was learned as a way to feel more in control in a world you felt out of control?  Perfectionism is a set-up as life isn’t perfect and things happen.
    6. You struggle to manage your anger.  Do you need to look at your history and what that anger is really about?  Did it serve you at one time and no longer does?
    7. You abuse substances.  Are you using substances to medicate uncomfortable feelings?  What emotionally needs attention?
    8. Your relationship is disconnected.  Couples who slowly move further apart from each other emotionally often have unresolved hurt feelings or unmet needs between them.  The longer the disconnection, the more at risk your relationship is.
    9. You are possessive and jealous.  Where did you learn that the people you care about might leave you?  It’s time to look at your vulnerability in relationships to stop behaving in ways that may ultimately push your partners away.
    10. Your worry overtakes you.  What can your history tell you about why you assume the worst or get preoccupied over the possibility that things will go wrong?  Future-tripping around things that haven’t even happened can be exhausting.

    These are just some of the common issues that lead people to seek help.  The reason I suggest that you might “need therapy now” is that I want to encourage you to minimize your own suffering as soon as possible.  I also understand that despite therapy being more acceptable, there are still many things that can block people like fear of facing difficult things, a belief that looking back won’t be helpful or possibly being uncomfortable with the idea of sharing their lives with a stranger.  But I still hope to provide you a kernel of inspiration to try.

    If you don’t have any therapist referrals handy, check out the Psychology Today Therapist Directory to begin your search.  If you reside in California, see my California Online Therapy practice.  Wherever you live, if you have a specific question, I offer email Emotional Health / Relationship Consultations as an additional resource.

    1

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    Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT

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