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Tag: The Friendship Project

  • How to Make—and Keep—Friends at Work

    How to Make—and Keep—Friends at Work

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    Priya, an engineer in California, was on a deadline. Under pressure, she emailed a younger friend working on the same project to ask for some data that the project needed to get done on time. She and the woman weren’t super close, but Priya considered her colleague an ally and a buddy—previously they had “trauma-bonded,” as Priya puts it, over the way the project had been mismanaged. “I said, ‘Hey, can you grab this information for me?’” she says. Her friend emailed back a single-word response: “No.”

    Priya, who is not giving her full name so as not to cause issues at work, couldn’t understand why the woman had been so short with her. During an in-office gathering the next week, Priya told her colleague that her one-word response made her feel like she was mad at her. She asked, “Can you please just communicate with me about why you don’t want to do this, so I understand?” Priya was as puzzled by her friend’s reaction to this conversation as she was by the initial refusal: “She said, ‘Priya, I don’t owe you anything.’” 

    Even good friends are rarely on the same page about everything. But when one friend’s expectations (that she shouldn’t have to do extra work) conflict with another’s (that they’re in this together), it can be confusing. Priya’s no longer sure whether she should trust her colleagues the way she did before. “I try to keep it civil,” she says. “But you start to really realize that your co-workers are not your friends.” 

    Work friendships are a double-edged sword. On the one hand, work is vastly more bearable—and maybe even strays into fun—when you’re friends with your fellow-laborers. Friendship can make odious tasks tolerable and worthwhile tasks more satisfying. An effective collaborator can turn a good idea into an inspired outcome. Gallup data has found that employees who have a bestie at work are more likely to get more done, innovate, share ideas, keep the workplace safe, have fun, and engage with customers and co-workers.

    But friendship is about authenticity, acceptance, and agenda-free companionship. The point of work is to accomplish tasks, to cooperate despite any personal differences. Friends treat each other as equals, whereas workplaces are necessarily hierarchical and specialized. It’s inappropriate to favor one colleague over another, but friends do that all the time. You hang with friends because you want to. You go to work because you’re paid to. Some academic studies have shown that workplace friendships can be a mixed blessing. They can increase trust but add to employee stress when they go sour. They can boost cohesion, but also cause division. They can energize people but also drain their resources.

    “The work context and the friendship context are often at odds,” says Beth Schinoff, an assistant professor of management at the University of Delaware. “The norms that guide how you behave at work, things like formality and professionalism, are very different from the informality, the authenticity that you have to have with your friends.” There is almost no way for those expectations to not eventually cause conflict, especially when there’s disagreement on how to execute a task, a need for confidentiality, or a status difference—when one of the friends is the other’s manager or boss. 

    Acknowledge the tension

    But there are ways to have good friends and a productive work environment at the same time. Here’s what experts recommend.

    Work friends often experience what experts call “role confusion.” In a difficult situation—when co-workers disagree on how a problem should be solved or which direction to push a project— they’re not sure if it’s more important to be a good employee or to be a good friend. It’s especially tough to be a friend and a supervisor. Mo Wang, a business professor at the University of Florida, points out that when one person controls their friend’s access to resources and advancement, they face a quandary. “Are they going to treat the other person as a subordinate or follower?” he asks. “Or do they treat the other person as a friend?” Their interactions are probably going to be closely watched by other colleagues for any hint of favoritism, which adds to the strain. 

    The best way to handle this is to be upfront about the potential awkwardness of the situation. “The key is communicating more effectively, and being open and honest about places in which you’re feeling this tension,” says Julianna Pillemer, an assistant business professor at New York University. “And also being honest with yourself, about your own values and what those boundaries look like.” If you used to have lunch all the time with your buddy, and you can’t do that as his boss without drawing some side-eye, don’t just go cold turkey; explain it to him. And if you need to keep some information confidential, explain why. 

    Separate the channels

    Schinoff suggests making the issue of having two roles as overt as possible by telling your friend whether you are talking to them as a buddy or as a colleague. “You have to be very intentional about choosing which relationship you’re going to work on at any given moment,” she says. You can deploy such phrases as “I’m taking my ‘friend hat’ off for a second” or “speaking as your manager…” 

    Pillemer takes it a step further. She and her work friends contact each other by email for work-related matters and by text or social media to send personal notes, plan social gatherings, and share memes. “It eliminates that role conflict,” she says, “because you know what role you’re in at that given moment.”

    Blend or block

    What works for one person won’t necessarily work for another. Some people want to make work a social zone and love to have family photos strewn about their workspaces. Others prefer to keep their private lives completely separate. And the same goes for workplaces, which can have vastly different cultures. A construction site will have a different level of formality and interaction than a law office. When establishing boundaries around friendship at work, it’s helpful to know whether you prefer to blend your private and professional lives or to separate them out in blocks and fully engage with one world at a time. You should pursue your office friendships along the lines that make you most comfortable, while also maintaining an awareness of the expectations of your particular workplace. 

    Take it slow

    Friendships are often dictated by proximity. You find companions among those around you. But Pillemer cautions against mistaking closeness for trustworthiness. Once you’ve divulged things to work friends, there’s no taking them back, and if the relationship gets rocky because of work tension, oversharing can damage both the friendship and your workplace’s productivity, which can impact your performance. “I encourage people to not rush in,” says Pillemer. Instead, take the time to figure out if a colleague is going to be the kind of friend you want to see outside work hours. “Give it 10 coffee chats before you’re really divulging a lot,” she says. “You want to really ensure that you want it to go beyond being a work friend.” 

    Be good at your job

    There will come a time when, as Schinoff puts it, you’ll need to make a decision regarding a colleague “in which your loyalty to them as a friend and your belief about what is best as a co-worker are in conflict.” And then you have to choose whether to put your friend or your workplace first. But there are also times when you might be able to find a workaround that benefits both. Wang gives the example of an employee who comes to their manager, who is also their friend, seeking travel funds for a work-related conference for which there is no budget. The manager has to abide by company policy, but if she knows the policies really well, she can help the friend find the money elsewhere. The better people know how to work the levers of their company, the more they can be both friend and colleague. 

    Try to find each other’s perspective

    Priya thought she and her buddy were on the same page about their team’s project, so she turned to her for an assist. Friends don’t usually let each other down when they’re asked for help, but co-workers operate on different rules. Priya put the successful completion of the task first and expected those around her to do the same; her colleague believed she shouldn’t have to work harder just because the project was mismanaged by the higher-ups. Had she explained to Priya why she wouldn’t do the task, the conflict might have been avoided. “As a friend, we could develop a little bit of perspective, put ourselves in our friend’s shoes,” says Wang. “Their behaviors are not just governed by the friendship with us.” 

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    Belinda Luscombe

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  • How to Make a Long-Distance Friendship Work

    How to Make a Long-Distance Friendship Work

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    If you see Alexandria Agresta breaking into a wide grin, one of her best friends—who lives thousands of miles away—probably just sent her a meme or an inspirational quote from Instagram. The person may or may not have included a note about why they liked it. Either way, the notification dinging on her phone thrills her. “It’s this really powerful symbol that during their busy day, they saw this thing and thought of you,” says Agresta, 30, who lives in Miami. “It gives me tingles. To me, in this digital age, it’s such a beautiful symbol of connection—like the digital form of unconditional love.”

    Agresta, whose long-distance BFFs live around the globe, saves all the Instagram posts her friends send her in a special folder on the app. Then, when she’s feeling lonely, she can click through—and that big smile will return.

    While nurturing long-distance friendships takes work, the payoff is worth it, experts say—and even small gestures like those that are meaningful to Agresta can keep bonds alive. “You have to find ways to keep that friendship special,” says Kristen Suleman, a therapist in Houston whose clients often bring up long-distance friendships. “It’s all too easy to have different schedules, and live in different time zones, and be like, ‘Out of sight, out of mind.’ You have to let that person know they matter to you, and that the role they play is irreplaceable.”

    We asked experts—and people working to maintain their own long-distance friendships—to share their favorite ways to keep those bonds strong.

    Check in about communication preferences

    First, get clear on how much communication will help each person feel like their needs are being met, advises Jerilyn Adams, a therapist in Milwaukee who estimates that 90% of her friendships are long-distance. One friend might be happy with the occasional check-in, while another is staring at their phone, awaiting a text that never arrives. Having a direct conversation about what the right amount for each friend is can help prevent feelings of being forgotten about or not prioritized, Adams says.

    Keep in mind, too, that each person might prefer a differ type of communication. Jacqueline Shaulis, 47, of Martinsburg, W.V., has been cultivating long-distance friendships for years, in some cases with people she’s never met in person. One friend exclusively texts; another always calls on the phone. “We’ve all come to respect one another’s way of connecting,” she says. “It happened over time, with a lot of trial and error. It’s just about finding that rhythm that allows you to nurture the friendship consistently.” When in doubt, she adds, always ask.

    Schedule regular virtual or phone catchups—and make them special

    Suleman and her friends, who have lived in different parts of the country for around 20 years, make it a point to schedule monthly or bimonthly calls. Since she and many of her best friends are parents, the calls are often after the kids’ bedtimes. “We schedule them a few weeks out,” she says, because otherwise busy schedules might keep these catchups from actually making it onto the calendar. As she points out, “Life can happen—but we try to commit to it.”

    When Suleman wants to let her friends know she’s thinking of them, she Venmos them $5 or $10 and tells them to get a treat on her. “It’s just the gesture that matters,” she says. “Sometimes we do that right before a catchup call, and it’s like we’re having coffee together because we went and bought it for each other.”

    See each other in person when you can

    Friend trips require a financial investment and a lot of coordination, but if you can swing them, they ensure you always have something to look forward to. Plus, they prove you’re committed to keeping the friendship alive. Suleman and her friends do one annually; they’ve been to Seattle and Miami, for example, and this year, they’ll do a girls’ weekend in New England.

    If a trip sounds like too much of a splurge, get creative about ways to make a get-together work. Brianna Paruolo, a psychotherapist in New York, suggests visiting each other’s cities and, if possible, staying in your friend’s home. Hosting each other “can be cost-friendly,” she says, “while also promoting more quality time.” If you’d still like to travel somewhere new, skip the star-power destinations and focus on more affordable places.

    When you’re in the planning stage, Suleman suggests maintaining a shared Google doc or iPhone note where you can brainstorm ideas about where to go and what to see when you get there. “It’s been such a collaborative thing,” she says. “We say, ‘Where have we been, and where have we not been?’ It helps us build those shared experiences.”

    Agresta and her friends, meanwhile, like to have at least one trip on the calendar at all times, usually to a music festival, since that’s something they all enjoy. “It’s like killing three birds with one stone,” she says. “You get to see each other, see an artist, and travel somewhere new.” Though they aim to take one group vacation a year, they’re sometimes able to pull off more; last year, the long-distance friends saw each other five times. “If we have at least one on the calendar, that’s perfect,” Agresta says. “But we’re pleasantly surprised when it’s more than that.”

    Find small ways to keep each other updated on daily life

    When you and your friend live in different parts of the country, you miss out on all the day-to-day details that create a shared history. That’s why Adams suggests keeping each other updated: sending links to restaurant menus before you go out to eat, for example, and mentioning the names of the people you’ll be with, instead of simply referring to them as “friends.”

    Another way to do that, Suleman adds, is to get into the habit of sending each other audio messages throughout the day. It’s a simple way to keep in regular touch, without having to pour a lot of mental energy into crafting a long text or email.

    Get your whole family involved

    Suleman and her long-distance friends make it a point to show photos of each other’s families to their kids. That way, it’s clear “they’re important in our lives, even though we don’t see them very often,” she says.

    On birthdays, the friends take things a step further and enlist their entire family to help make a festive video. Maybe they sing in it; maybe they all learn a celebratory TikTok dance to mark the special day. “Whether it’s for them or their kids, it shows you’re thinking of them,” Suleman says. “It’s an easy thing to do, but it makes a big difference.”

    Don’t underestimate the value of snail mail

    Go old-school and write handwritten letters to your friends, advises Natalie Rosado, a licensed mental-health counselor in Tampa. You can add surprises like drawings, trinkets, books, friendship bracelets, or even photo prints from the last time you got together. “Handwritten letters are personal and meaningful,” she says. “They add a nostalgic and tangible element to the friendship.” Your friend might display them on their wall or refrigerator and look that way every time they need a spark of joy in their day.

    Create a shared photo album

    Suleman and her friends send each other photo texts regularly, but sometimes, things get lost in the chaos of the day. So they created a shared photo album that they can all add to and peruse when time allows. “There’s no pressure or expectation, but whenever any of us thinks of it, we try to add a few,” she says. “It could be things that are important to each of us—one friend will be like, ‘Look at these gorgeous flowers.’ And someone else will be excited about their kid’s outfit.”

    If you’re feeling especially motivated, you could even set up a monthly photo challenge. Assign a theme—like home-cooked meals or dramatic views—and at the end of the month, share your top five to 10 favorites with each other. “It provides a window into daily experiences and keeps the connection vivid,” Rosado says.

    Participate in activities together

    Who needs proximity? Today’s technology allows friends to embark on all sorts of projects together, even across time zones. Depending on what you’re interested in, you and your friend could start a blog, a digital scrapbook, or even an online business together, Rosado points out. “Working toward a common goal strengthens the bond,” she says. Or choose a weekend night to make dinner together: You can follow the same recipe, and cook or bake together over FaceTime. Once it’s time to enjoy the dish, keep chatting—allowing the conversation to, finally, veer away from how many cups of milk you need and whether the meat looks too crispy.

    Another idea: Join an online fitness class together or follow the same routine from a platform like YouTube. “Share progress, motivate each other, and even exercise together over a video call,” Rosado suggests.

    Show up for each other’s milestones

    Agresta recently became a DJ, and she invited her favorite people to her Miami rooftop for a special debut party. All her long-distance best friends made the trip. Even those who live on the other side of the country told her: “We wouldn’t miss it for the world. We’re going to be there,” she recalls. The experience taught her that it’s essential to make an effort to be there for each other’s milestones, and not just weddings or new babies. “Those are a given,” she says. “But for me, becoming a DJ was really important, and I wanted everyone I loved to be there. That was like my wedding,” and it wouldn’t have been complete without the presence of long-distance friends.

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    Angela Haupt

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  • How to Rebuild a Broken Friendship

    How to Rebuild a Broken Friendship

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    In relationship research, there’s a concept known as “turning points.” These are moments when bonds change, either for better or worse—perhaps because of shifting life circumstances or something more dramatic, like a fight or reunion.

    Long-term friendships often involve multiple turning points, studies show. “Friendships have a lot of different trajectories,” says Jeffrey Hall, director of the Relationships and Technology Lab at the University of Kansas. “They can go up, they can go down, they can plateau.”

    Sometimes, if a relationship has cratered, one person has to actively initiate a turning point to revive it. How to do that, of course, depends on why your friendship suffered in the first place. Did you drift away from a childhood friend once adulthood hit, or are you trying to repair the damage after a friend breakup or betrayal?

    No matter the circumstances, experts say it is often possible to get your friendship back on track. Here’s where to start. 

    If you simply lost touch

    First, get out of your own head. People tend to resist contacting old friends, even if they want to, because it feels as awkward as talking to a stranger, one 2024 study suggests. Other research hints that we don’t get in touch because we consistently underestimate how much people appreciate our outreach.

    But the truth is, people typically respond well to hearing from an old friend, perhaps even more so when the interaction is unexpected, says Miriam Kirmayer, a Montreal-based clinical psychologist who specializes in adult friendship. Sending that text may feel uncomfortable, but “it’s an opportunity to make someone’s day,” she says.

    That said, your overture is more likely to be successful if there’s a reason behind it. The reason may be obvious—you just moved to their city and want to catch up—or you may have to create one, Kirmayer says. “It can be something as simple and earnest as saying, ‘I’m not sure why after all this time you’re on my mind…but I have to let you know [something] reminded me of you,’” she says. The idea is just to make it clear why you’ve decided to reach out, so they’re not befuddled by an out-of-the-blue message and left wondering what you want.

    Kirmayer recommends starting with a baby step, like a text or a message on social media, so you can feel out the vibe and let the relationship progress organically. But if you’re serious about becoming friends again (and if geography allows), it’s important to eventually progress to in-person friend dates, says Jessica Ayers, an assistant professor of psychological science at Boise State University who studies friendship.

    “Doing things in person, having that eye contact, and being able to disclose things” face-to-face will make it easier to get to know each other again and signal that you’re serious about reconnecting, she says. 

    Once you’ve done the hardest part—making the first move—consistency is key to preventing the renewed relationship from fizzling out, Hall says. If you live in the same place, you could set a standing lunch date. Or, if you don’t, perhaps it’s a recurring virtual hangout. Hall, for example, schedules a monthly phone call with the friend who was the best man in his wedding; sometimes they talk for 15 minutes and other times they talk for hours, but they always make it happen. 

    Finally, try to bring your connection into the present, rather than leaning solely on nostalgia, Kirmayer says. Make a point of asking about their current interests and hobbies, or perhaps even try to find new ones together.

    If you had a friendship breakup (and you caused it)

    If you decided to end a friendship, or behaved in a way that caused a friend breakup, reopening that book will take some humility on your part. 

    If you need to apologize and haven’t yet, that’s the place to start—assuming your former friend is open to hearing it, Ayers says. You could start by sending them a message along the lines of, “‘I’d like to reconnect. I know I owe you an apology. Is there a path forward for doing this?’” Ayers suggests. It may feel easier to “steamroll through” straight into the apology, but it’s probably kinder to allow the other person time to decide how much, if any, interaction they’d like to have with you, she says.

    And hard as it is, you have to be willing to accept any outcome, Hall says. “Genuine and meaningful apologies come with no expectation,” he says. “If they don’t even want to respond, that’s their decision. If you’re in the wrong, you have to own it—and owning it means you don’t get to push them to do anything.” 

    But if your initial apology goes well and your friend agrees to try again, resist the temptation to continually grovel moving forward, Kirmayer says. Constantly apologizing can feel insincere and even manipulative, like you’re trying to guilt-trip your friend into forgiving you and returning to how things were. 

    Rather than over-apologize, “you have to show that you’ve changed” with your behavior, Ayers says. “That is hard and it takes a lot of time and a lot of energy,” but it’s the best way to prove you’re ready to recommit to the relationship.

    If you had a friendship breakup (and they caused it)

    Before revisiting an old relationship, it’s a good idea to first figure out why you feel compelled to do so, Ayers says. That may be particularly important if you’re contacting someone who previously hurt or rejected you. Do you simply want closure or an apology, or are you really interested in trying to be friends again? Being explicit about what you want from a reconnection helps set the stage for both of you, Kirmayer says.

    But, again, remember that you can’t force anyone to be your friend—even if you feel like the one who was previously wronged. If someone decided to cut off the relationship, or acted in a way that damaged it, they may not be interested in returning to it, even if you are. 

    That’s particularly likely if clashing traits were at play in the original breakup, Ayers says. She researched “friendship deal-breakers” in graduate school and found that it’s usually easier for people to address situational problems, like one person being too busy for the other, than inherent trait differences. If your friend stopped talking to you because they didn’t like your sense of humor, the situation isn’t likely to change unless your jokes have.

    If you and your friend give it another go and you find yourself struggling to move on from your past hurt, you have a few options. You could try to talk it through, either on your own or by visiting a therapist together. (There aren’t many clinicians who explicitly offer friendship therapy, Kirmayer says, but some who provide marriage or family therapy may be willing to work with friends.) You could accept that your friendship may never be as strong as it once was, but perhaps can exist in a specific context—maybe you’re no longer close confidants, but you enjoy going to yoga together. Or, you could make an explicit agreement not to talk about your past conflict in hopes of moving past it, Kirmayer says.

    Doing so may feel like you’re avoiding the elephant in the room. But there’s a difference between ignoring a difficult topic and coming to a mutual decision to put it to the side, Kirmayer says. “It’s a boundary,” she says, and one that may help you focus less on your past, and more on your future. 

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    Jamie Ducharme

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  • What Makes a Friendship Last Forever?

    What Makes a Friendship Last Forever?

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    There are many flavors of friendship. Most U.S. adults say they have pals who fit into specific niches in their lives, like gym friends or work friends. These relationships may come and go as life circumstances change, fading away when someone switches jobs or loses interest in a shared hobby.

    Then there are close friends, those you lean on in hard times and know on a deeper level. Many U.S. adults say they have only a small handful of friends who fit into this category.

    Rarer still are the true forever best friends, those who are by your side for decades on end—through jobs, moves, relationships, fights, losses, and life stages—and may even come to feel like family. But what makes a friendship durable enough to stand the tests of time in this way? 

    Shared traits, interests, and backgrounds help a lot, says Robin Dunbar, an evolutionary psychologist and author of Friends: Understanding the Power of Our Most Important Relationships. Dunbar’s work suggests there are seven areas of overlap that are particularly crucial in forming a solid friendship: speaking the same language, growing up in the same area, having similar career trajectories, and sharing hobbies, viewpoints, senses of humor, and tastes in music. Every close friend pair may not have every one of these things in common—but the more they share, the stronger their relationship is likely to be, Dunbar says.

    Read More: How to Make Friends as an Adult–at Every Life Stage

    Despite the cliché that opposites attract, research actually suggests “we prefer people who are very similar to us,” he says.

    Research by Jeffrey Hall, director of the Relationships and Technology Lab at the University of Kansas, also finds that people need to spend lots of time together—at least 300 hours—to become true best friends. And, Hall says, friends who express their deepest thoughts and emotions to each other tend to become more tightly bonded than those who keep it surface level.

    Once you’re solidly close with someone, consistency is key to staying that way, says Aminatou Sow, who co-wrote the book Big Friendship: How We Keep Each Other Close with her friend Ann Friedman. Ride-or-die friends don’t necessarily have to see each other all the time, but research does suggest friendship maintenance is important, Sow says.

    Assurances about the future—making clear to your friend that you want them in your life for the long haul—and developing shared rituals are good ways of doing that, she says. A “ritual” can be as simple as regularly sending memes or scheduling a monthly phone catchup. Or it can be borrowed from the realms of family and romantic relationships: taking an annual friend vacation, celebrating birthdays and life events together, even marking your friendship anniversary. “These are small things that keep the magic alive,” Sow says. 

    And it is indeed “magic,” in Sow’s view. She doesn’t think science has all the answers when it comes to close friendship and why some relationships last forever. “You don’t predict who you fall in love with,” romantically or platonically, she says. “Some of it is mystery and magic and the rest of it is hard work.” 

    There is an ineffable quality to some best friendships, Hall agrees. Science suggests it takes a lot of time to build a strong bond—“but what’s very weird,” he says, is that once people become best friends, they may go months or even years without talking and still pick up right where they left off. Sometimes, “once a very strong friendship has been created,” Hall says, “it never really stops being that way.”

    How do real-life BFFs explain their decades-long connections? TIME spoke to a lifelong friend pair to find out.

    Amy Kohn, 69, who lives in New York, and Madeleine Rudin, 69, who splits her time between Florida and Connecticut, have been friends for 65 years.

    MR: We grew up across the street from each other in New York City. We met on the playground and then started kindergarten together the next day. We ended up being in school together for 14 years. We just clicked. 

    AK: I never felt like I fit in very well at school, so having a best friend was everything. Madeleine helped me go through the first 18 years of my life. It was always us against the world. 

    MR: It became trickier when we went off to college in different states, but we would write letters. I visited once or twice, and we saw each other when we were home on school breaks. 

    AK: But then we had a long period where we had no contact. I came out to Madeleine when I was 21 and she was terrific. But I had a number of separate bad experiences socializing in straight environments, and as a result, I became enmeshed in New York City’s gay community from my late 20s into my 30s. We weren’t in touch during that time.

    MR: I made other friends. I wasn’t angry at her; I just figured we sort of went our separate ways. And then one day out of the blue, Amy emailed me. 

    AK: There’s no good answer to why it took so long for me to do that. I finally did because I had been with my family for Thanksgiving and my cousin asked about Madeleine. The phone rang immediately after I sent the email, and it was Madeleine. Back then, I didn’t know email went that fast! 

    MR: The day we re-met for lunch, I remember weeping. It seemed like such a waste of years, because we just clicked immediately again. After that, it never stopped. 

    AK: In many ways, we’re very different—I’m all about sports and active stuff and Madeleine isn’t into that. But there’s a level of trust and unconditional acceptance that is the core of everything. I know I can tell Madeleine anything, and if she disagrees, there’s not a scintilla of judgment. Whenever anything really good or really bad happens in my life, immediately, I want to tell Madeleine. She just gets me. If I think I’m being funny, she does too. 

    MR: I feel the same way. I would have said the same things about her! I’ve also had a lot of health challenges over the years, and Amy has been there every step of the way. She’s my go-to, other than my son. I know she’s not going to tire of me being ill. She’s just so supportive. 

    AK: We’re really explicit about how important we are to each other. We say, “I love you” a lot. We have verbalized that we’ll be there for each other forever and that, at our age, is enormously comforting.

    Another piece of advice that I gave my daughter is, “Recognize that all of my friends, on any given day, are idiots.” Meaning, I don’t love everything they do, but I still love them.

    MR: I’ve told my son, “You can have friends for different reasons.” Not all of my friends want to do everything that I want to do. For a while, I felt like I had to be as close with everyone as the next person. Then I realized, “No, I don’t.” But with Amy, I don’t have any of those issues.

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    Jamie Ducharme

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  • How to Make Friends As an Adult—At Every Life Stage

    How to Make Friends As an Adult—At Every Life Stage

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    Chris Duffy isn’t going to sugarcoat it: Making friends as an adult is hard. If you’ve ever tried to figure out exactly how to ask a potential platonic connection for their number—or word that first follow-up text—you know what he’s talking about. “It’s mortifying,” he says. “It requires being vulnerable and cringe-worthy and putting yourself out there.”

    Social awkwardness aside, it’s simply harder to meet new people as an adult, when you no longer have shared high school classes or a college dorm room. Add in long work hours, a fear of rejection, and lack of trust, and it’s no wonder many people struggle to make new friends.

    Yet despite these obstacles, investing time and energy into growing your community is unequivocally worth it. Friendships keep us mentally and physically healthy. Plus, “I think a lot of pressure gets put on your partner to be everything,” says Duffy, author of Let’s Hang Out: Making (and Keeping) Friends, Acquaintances, and Other Nonromantic Relationships. “There’s this idea that they’re supposed to be your creative inspiration and your sexual partner and the coparent to your kids, and also your best friend—but friends bring something that your spouse doesn’t. You can find parts of yourself and get inspired and have fun” by broadening your group of confidantes. 

    We asked Duffy and other experts how to approach making new friends as an adult, based on the life stage you’re into.

    Early adulthood

    Your 20s are the ideal time to start reflecting on your own friendship-making style—knowledge that will serve you the rest of your life. In part, that means figuring out whether you’re a joiner or an initiator, says Nina Badzin, who hosts the podcast Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship. As a joiner, you’ll make it a point to proactively join activities or events you find interesting, like dance classes, a kickball league, or a professional networking group. If you’re an initiator, you’ll step up to organize get-togethers. “Maybe you invite two people, and those two people invite two people,” she says. Being a joiner and being an initiator both require a conscious effort; knowing which you are will help you determine the best approach to making friends.

    You’ll likely meet lots of people at work—proximity fuels close bonds—and those connections can lead to other connections. “The acquaintance you made at this thing may stay an acquaintance, but maybe you meet someone through that person who becomes a friend,” Badzin says. “It takes time. In your 20s, you’re planting these little seeds that hopefully will blossom later.” So if you hit it off with your colleague’s roommate at happy hour, exchange numbers and then actually follow up to plan another time to hang out. If that sounds daunting, remember that one of you has to make the first move. “Why not let it be you?” Badzin asks. “Somebody has to be brave. We really are in much more control of our social lives than we think.”

    Badzin’s advice resonates with Jillian White, 24, who moved to New York City a little over a year ago. She was determined to meet new people, so she turned to social media—and found she was far from the only one searching for connection. A social platform called 222 that she tested out, for example, asks users to take a personality quiz based on their interests; they’re then matched with similar people, and the group is invited to participate in an activity like going out to eat or singing karaoke together. White also joined another group, 10 Chairs, that curates dinner parties for 10 people at a time. After each event, attendees are added to a group chat with everyone else who was at the dinner, which makes staying in touch easy.

    “It’s really a bonding experience because everyone’s in it together, and everyone’s a little uncomfortable,” White says. “I can reinvent myself. If I don’t want to tell you about parts of me, I don’t have to. And maybe I’m finding myself, and fitting into different groups I didn’t think I’d be a part of.” It’s scary, she says, but more than that, exciting. Her advice to other young adults: “Give yourself grace. Making friends is hard, and it takes trial and error, but everyone has the same common goal to meet people.”

    When you’re a new parent

    After becoming a parent, you might feel too exhausted, at least at first, to even consider bringing another new person into your life. But the early months of parenthood can also be isolating, especially if it’s mostly just you and baby all day in the beginning, and it can be nice to bond with someone over all the new experiences and hopes and worries that come with this phase of life.

    That’s why Duffy suggests leaning into low-effort opportunities, and starting with people in the vicinity: the other parents at the playground, at “parents and babies” sessions at the local library, or at a new-mom or -dad support group. Duffy likes to take walks with his baby, and he’s found that he regularly crosses paths with the same people also walking their babies. The easiest thing to do, he says, is give a slight nod and perhaps say good morning. But if he wanted to take it a step further, he’d make it a point to stop and say: “Hey, I’ve seen you walking around with your baby before. I’m Chris. What’s your name?” Or perhaps he’d ask for advice: “Have you found a good baby music class you like around here?” That might strike up a conversation that leads to an ongoing connection.

    Still, it’s essential to establish that your friendships are about the adults, not the kids, Badzin stresses. “Eventually these kids get older, and they’re not going to want to hang out, or someone’s going to leave someone out in middle school, or date and break up,” she says. “If the friendship isn’t grounded in the adults, the adults will have drama between them.” She’s seen many people stop talking to their friends because their kids hurt each other.

    One way to do that is to make sure all your conversations don’t revolve around the kids—that way, you have other interests and shared likes to ground the relationship. Though it might feel awkward, Badzin also suggests having a direct conversation, especially if you start noticing the kids are drifting apart. Word it like this: “We should just assume that at some point our kids are going to want to hang out with other people.” Remind each other that you’re committed to staying friends, regardless of how the kids’ friendship evolves.

    Adulthood and midlife

    When you enter your mid-30s, and as you cycle through your 40s and 50s, it can be helpful to reframe how you think about friendship. “As we get older, gone are the days of having that one all-encompassing best friend” you might have relied on in your 20s, says Rachel Ann Dine, a licensed professional clinical counselor in Agoura Hills, Calif. “Be open to being part of different friend groups that fulfill the different pieces of who you are as an adult.” You might have one group you go out to an expensive dinner with once a month, for example, and another you hike with for free every weekend.

    Dine suggests regularly setting small connection goals for yourself: going to a group workout class once a week and smiling at somebody, giving your neighborhood book club a chance, joining a pickleball team, tagging along with your coworkers to happy hour once a month. “You may not hit it off with anybody the first time you go, but that doesn’t mean your person won’t show up,” she says.

    Duffy, meanwhile, is a proponent of finding ways to regularly spend time at the same place, like a favorite cafe or the library down the street. “If you go to the same coffee shop every day, I guarantee you, you will get to know the people who work there on that shift, and you’ll probably get to know other people who go there,” he says. “If you find a place where there’s people you share interests with, and then you repeatedly cross paths with them, that’s how it works.” These repeated low-stakes interactions, as he describes them, can evolve into meaningful relationships. Plus, he points out, when you’re feeling lonely, it’s simply nice to have someone know your name. “Don’t discount the power of saying hello,” he says.

    Even for those with the best of intentions, scheduling can get tricky during the midlife years, Badzin acknowledges. We’ve all seen the memes that celebrate canceled plans. But it’s essential to be conscious of—and actually put work into—making time for friends. “You have to not be a flake,” she says. “You have to keep your plans as much as you can, even when you don’t feel like it because you’re tired. Most people are usually happy that they put that time in.”

    Senior years

    Think you’re too old to make new friends? You couldn’t be more wrong, Badzin emphasizes—but you have to stay open to the possibility. Then, find ways to put yourself out there, like joining a group to play games or taking up a class with built-in socialization. “I don’t love yoga as much because you don’t talk during yoga,” she says. “Learning a card game, knitting, a writing class where you’re sharing—there’s chatting during all of those. If it’s a silent experience, you’re not really going to meet someone.” Badzin’s mom, for example, who’s nearly 80, regularly makes new friends through literature classes and other community education programs, as well as at gym programs designed for older people.

    You might find that intergenerational friendships, in particular, are rewarding. Dine recently befriended a “funky, wonderful” woman in her late 80s—meaning the two have a 50-year age gap. They met at an antique store and have already gone out to coffee several times. Duffy, meanwhile, met a 102-year-old friend at the local swimming pool, and he’s since enjoyed hanging out on her front porch while sipping iced tea. “It’s incredible and beautiful and kind of wild,” he says. “I get so much out of having older friends and younger friends.”

    Sharon Croteau, 83, has made too many friends to count since moving into Wake Robin, a continuing-care retirement community in Shelburne, Vt. She plays bridge multiple times a week, volunteers regularly, puts together jigsaw puzzles with her fellow residents, participates in strength and conditioning and water-aerobics classes, and goes blueberry-picking with other community members. She took up golf at age 75 and recently started playing pickleball. As long as you’re doing things that genuinely appeal to you, she says, it’s easy to meet new people—and to know you’ll already have something in common with them. Croteau has always had a full life, and she’s enjoyed maintaining that richness at her new home. “I decided that in order to make friends, you have to be a friend to yourself,” she says. “You have to understand where you’re at and what you enjoy doing.”

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    Angela Haupt

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