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Tag: teens

  • The Ultimate Guide to Things to do with Teens Indoors in Greenville

    The Ultimate Guide to Things to do with Teens Indoors in Greenville

    Looking for things to do inside with teens near Greenville, SC? While we know Greenville is a wonderful place for little kids, it’s also a town that has plenty of things to do indoors with teens, everything from laser tag and trampoline parks to volunteering opportunities and movies.

    We’ve compiled some of the best things to do inside with teenagers in Greenville. If we missed something, let us know in the comments!

    Things to do Indoors with Teens in Greenville

    Arcades, Laser Tag, Mini-Golf

    Main Event is Greenville’s newest entertainment venue with bowling, laser tag, and arcade games, You’ll also find a restaurant, bar, and billiards. They run specials like kids eat free and all-you-can-play nights. Here’s our Kidding Around article on Main Event.

    Main Event
    225 Entertainment Boulevard
    Greenville, SC

    Frankie’s Fun Park is a mecca of arcade games, mini-golf, laser tag, and road courses, Frankie’s Fun Park is a great place to get out some energy with teens. There are plenty of activities for everyone to enjoy no matter what their interests are. Attractions are priced separately and there are food options as well.

    45 Park Woodruff Drive, Greenville
    Visit Frankie’s Fun Park website.

    The Big E in Gaffney is another great place for indoor fun. They have arcades, laser tag, mini-golf, bumper cars, and a ropes course (outdoors). Check out our video tour here.

    1100 Factory Shops Blvd, Gaffney (I-85 at exit 90 next to the Gaffney Premium Outlets); 864.564.5270
    Visit the The Big E website.

    Trampoline Parks

    Greenville is home to Gravitopia and Sky Zone, both really fun trampoline park with ninja courses, foam pits and extreme. Gravitopia hosts a Club Night for kids 15 and older and Sky Zone has an event called Glow that is similar. And if you’re up for a little drive, Big Air Trampoline Park in Spartanburg just celebrated their 1st birthday and is super cool. They host Cosmic Nights, which is perfect for teens, every Friday and Saturday night.

    Sky Zone
    2465 Laurens Road, Greenville; 864.558.2400
    Visit the Sky Zone website.

    Big Air Trampoline Park
    660 Spartan Blvd, Spartanburg; 864.580.6462
    Visit Big Air Trampoline Park website.

    Big Air Greenville
    36 Park Woodruff Drive, Greenville; 864.626.5252
    Big Air Greenville’s Website

    big air greenville sc

    Create Art

    If you’ve ever been to Artisphere, you’ll understand how vibrant the art community is in Greenville. There are mediums for any level of interest and talent in art – painting, pottery, felting, welding. It’s all here. These places below offer all kinds of art classes or the opportunity to paint your own potter.

    Greenville Center for Creative Arts

    Hummingbird Hill Art Studio

    Color Clay Café

    Maya Movement Arts (an aerial arts studio)

    Wine and Design

    Vino & van Gogh

    Volunteering

    There are tons of opportunities for teens to volunteer and give back to their community. There are soup kitchens, Meals on Wheels, and places like Project Host. The City of Greenville also accepts teen volunteers for their many festivals.

    Here is a list of places to volunteer in the Greenville area.

    Escape Rooms

    For a unique experience, teens can try using their best investigative skills to break out of a room together in 60 minutes or less.

    Greenville Escape Room
    319 Garlington Road, Suite A-5, Greenville; 864.982.5083
    Visit Greenville Escape Room’s website.
    Teens under 16 must be accompanied by an adult.

    Breakout Greenville
    614 N Main Street, Greenville; 864.326.0190
    Visit Breakout Greenville’s website.
    Teens under 14 must be accompanied by an adult.

    Escape Artist Greenville
    217 East Stone Avenue, Greenville; 864.509.9305
    Visit Escape Artist Greenville’s website.
    Teens under 16 must be accompanied by an adult.

    Indoor Karting

    What would a teenager like more than speeding in a car around an indoor race track? Let them get out those urges at a go kart facility. Kids under 18 can race during the week before 5 pm and on weekends before 2 pm.

    Speed Factory Indoor Karting
    1524 Roper Mountain Road, Greenville; 864.412.3323
    130 E Daniel Morgan Avenue, Spartanburg; 864.447.4000
    Visit Speed Factory Indoor Karting’s website.

    woman putting on bowling shoes

    Bowling

    Bowling alleys have stepped up their game and aren’t the sketchy establishments of the 90s any longer. Greenville has some good options to bowling for teens.

    Stone Pin Company
    304 E Stone Avenue, Greenville; 864.412.7228
    Visit Stone Pin Company’s website.

    Spare Time Entertainment
    822 Congaree Road, Greenville; 864.412.0299
    Spare Time Entertainment’s website

    Bowlero
    740 S. Pleasantburg Drive, Greenville; 864.242.5724
    Visit Bowlero’s website.

    Peach Bowl Lanes
    14515 E Wade Hampton Blvd, Greer; 864.877.8340
    Visit Peach Bowl Lane’s website.

    Wade Hampton Lanes
    3065 Wade Hampton Blvd, Taylors, SC; 864.268.4136
    Visit Wade Hampton Lanes’ website.

    Golden Park
    108 Balcome Blvd, Simpsonville; 864.967.8551
    Visit the Golden Park’s website.

    Rock Springs Bowling Alley
    207 Rock Springs Road, Easley; 864.442.2057
    Visit the Rock Springs Bowley Alley website.

    Movies

    There are always the movies. And teens still love going to them.

    Regal Cinemas Hollywood 20
    1025 Woodruff Road, Greenville; 864.462.7342
    Visit Regal Cinemas Hollywood 20’s website.

    Camelot Cinemas
    48 East Antrim Drive, Greenville; 864.235.6700
    Visit Camelot Cinema’s website.

    Regal Cinemas Cherrydale 16
    3221 North Pleasantburg Drive, Greenville; 844.462.7342
    Visit Regal Cinemas Cherrydale 16’s website.

    Do you have a great place for teens to add to our list?

    Guide to things to do indoors, Greenville, SC

    Kristina Hernandez

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  • Gen Z teens feel crushing pressure to be high-achievers. Here are 6 ways parents can help.

    Gen Z teens feel crushing pressure to be high-achievers. Here are 6 ways parents can help.

    While I am years out of high school, my memories of crumbling under its demands remain sharp in my mind. After returning from cross-country practice in the evening and speeding through dinner to crack the textbooks awaiting me, tears would often fall on my pages under the pressure—self-inflicted, social, and familial—to be perfect by achieving the highest grades, exceeding in every class and extracurricular, and getting into the best college.

    Today, teens are under that same pressure—if not more, thanks to the added weight of social-media comparison—and we know much more about how detrimental that can be to their mental health.

    That obsession with success is a topic that piqued the interest of journalist Jennifer Breheny Wallace, mom to kids ages 19, 17, and 14. She began to research the topic when her eldest son was in eighth grade, and published her findings in a book published last year, Never Enough: When Achievement Culture Becomes Toxic—And What We Can Do About It.

    “Achievement is not the problem,” Wallace tells Fortune she learned. “It’s the way that we’ve come to talk about achievement.”

    In the most extreme cases, teens turn to substance abuse, isolation, depression, and suicidal thoughts when they feel under constant pressure to achieve and believe they cannot live up to it.

    But after doing two national surveys of over 6,000 parents and 500 young adults as part of her research, Wallace uncovered patterns crucial to ensuring kids can be successful, both academically and mentally, and on the path to becoming well-adjusted adults. Below, some of Wallace’s advice about how parents can provide shelter from the storm of toxic teenage pressures. 

    Show your kids the joy you feel from being their parent

    Wallace says one of the first things parents can do is make home a “haven” from the pressures they feel at school and on social media to constantly achieve.

    To do that, minimize criticism and prioritize affection, Wallace says. She uses the phrase “greet them like the family dog greets you” when they get home: In other words, show them the pure joy you get just from being their parent. Instead of immediately asking them how they performed on a test the moment they walk through the door, she says, ask them how they’re doing.

    That turns home into “a place our kids never feel like they have to perform a certain way to be lovable to us,” Wallace tells Fortune. 

    Help them see that they matter outside of achievement

    One of the biggest takeaways Wallace found in her research was the importance of “mattering.” This is when children feel like they are valued and that they add value to the world around them, she explains. That feeling should transcend test scores, where they go to college, what they look like, and what kind of accolades they receive.

    “We love our kids unconditionally, but they don’t always feel like we regard them unconditionally,” Wallace says.

    She noticed that kids who struggled most felt their purpose was contingent on performance—causing them to shy away from taking big risks out of a fear of failure that would take away their value.

    But how do you help your kids feel like they matter? By getting to know them, Wallace says. Show them that they add value to the world because of who they are at their core. She says even by noticing the little things about them—how funny they can be, little quirks about them that you love—you show them you value their whole person, not just their measurable achievements.

    When children feel like they matter, Wallace says, it acts as a “protective shield,” and often has the added benefit of allowing them to be more successful. They’re willing to strive for bigger goals knowing they matter outside of the outcomes of them, she says. 

    “Through mattering…we give our kids a kind of healthy fuel that propels them to achieve, and to achieve for things that mean more than just individual success and resume building,” Wallace says. “It sets our kids up to find purpose.”

    For help in getting to know your child, Wallace recommends the Values in Action survey, which can guide parents and kids to better understand their unique character strengths. 

    “Signal to kids that you believe they can do this,” Wallace says. And if they can’t, she adds, make sure they know your love doesn’t waver. “The primary job of a parent is to support a kid’s development of sense of self.”

    Be their biggest supporter

    Also crucial is to not let your own frustrations negatively impact interactions around their schoolwork.

    If your child is struggling, instead of getting frustrated with them, start to investigate any underlying reasons, Wallace suggests. Are they having a difficult time socially? Is their workspace at home too distracting?

    Wallace says parents can help kids focus on getting work done at home by creating a plan with them, rather than only focusing on the outcomes of their work. That is often easier when parents lean into their kids’ strengths while getting involved in the process. Parents are often wired to focus on what’s going wrong, she says, not what they are already doing well.

    But, Wallace says, it’s important to “let your child know you’re on their team,” and that means helping them focus on their strengths.

    Be mindful of how you share input

    How you communicate your frustrations is crucial, too. If you do get upset with them, Wallace says to make sure you “separate the deed from the doer.” You might not like what they did, but you have to make sure they know you still love them.

    “That is really one of the most challenging things for a parent,” Wallace acknowledges, especially when you’re tired, stressed, and lacking bandwidth. Take a beat and get yourself in the right frame of mind to express how you feel, so your kids know you don’t think they are bad, even if their behavior is.

    Be aware of status anxiety

    For millennials who felt the financial strain and economic uncertainty from the 2008 recession and are now parents themselves, Wallace says they have started “safeguarding” their children’s economic futures by pushing for them to go to prestigious colleges. That is what she calls “status anxiety,” in which parents impose pressure on their children out of fear that they will face economic hardship if they aren’t high-achievers.

    What that’s resulted in, Wallace says, is additional stress that kids don’t need.

    If you might be subconsciously externalizing status anxiety in how you talk to your children, the first step is to reflect and get aware, Wallace says. The next: Get clear on your values.

    Wallace says the best way to combat this is to make sure both you and your children are not surrounded by messages that activate status-seeking extrinsic values, such as finding worth in high test scores, a high income, and appearance-driven behaviors.

    She recommends taking a hard look at your own calendar first—are you prioritizing things that bring you intrinsic satisfaction, like family dinners and time with friends? Wallace says you want to model the behavior that ensures your children won’t prioritize the pursuit of extrinsic goals, which can lead to an absence of mattering and self-worth if values come from goals surrounding status over meaningful purpose.

    Take a look at their calendars too, she says, to see what sort of values they are spending their time on. 

    Don’t forget to take care of yourself

    Parents are under a lot of pressure too, says Wallace. The Surgeon General’s most recent advisory on parental well-being highlighted financial strain, isolation and loneliness, and cultural pressures as just a few of the factors causing the current mental health crisis for parents. 

    In Wallace’s survey conducted with Harvard (published in her book) of over 6,000 parents from early 2020, 83% of parents somewhat or strongly agreed that their children’s academic success is a reflection of their parenting. And now, they might be panicking as they try to balance worrying about their children’s futures with not being too overbearing in supporting their kids’ success.

    But if there’s one takeaway Wallace has for parents trying to manage their own stress, it’s this: “Never worry alone.”

    Instead, prioritize a strong support network, which can be built by getting clear on your values. Because not only will valuing meaningful relationships lessen parental isolation through a strong support system, says Wallace, it will model intrinsic values and healthy behaviors for your children.

    “It’s never been harder to be a parent,” she says. “You are worthy of support…of surrounding yourself with people who value you.”

    More on teens and mental health:

    Ani Freedman

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  • Social Media Swallowed Gen Z. This Film Shows Exactly How

    Social Media Swallowed Gen Z. This Film Shows Exactly How

    Twenty years ago, MySpace and Facebook ushered in an inspired age of social media. Today, the sticky parables of online life are inescapable: Connection is a convenience as much as it is a curse. A lot’s changed since those early years. In June, the US surgeon general, Vivek H. Murthy, called for a warning label on social platforms that have played a part in the mental health crisis among young people, of which “social media has emerged as an important contributor.” Social Studies, the new FX docuseries from documentarian Lauren Greenfield, bring the unsettling effects of that crisis into startling view.

    The thesis was simple. Greenfield set out to catalog the first generation for which social media was an omnipresent, preordained reality. From August 2021 to the summer of 2022, she embedded with a group of teens at several Los Angeles–area high schools for the entire school year (the majority of the students attend Palisades Charter), as they obsessed over crushes, applied to college, attended prom, and pursued their passions.

    “It was an unusual documentary for me,” Greenfield, a veteran filmmaker of cultural surveys like The Queen of Versailles and Generation Wealth, says of how the series came together. “The kids were co-investigators on this journey.” Along with the 1,200 hours of principal photography Greenfield and her team captured, students were also asked to save screen recordings of their daily phone usage, which amounted to another 2,000 hours of footage. Stitched together, the documentary illuminates the tangled and unrelenting experiences of teens as they deal with body dysmorphia, bullying, social acceptance, and suicidal ideation. “That’s the part that is the most groundbreaking of this project, because we haven’t really seen that before.”

    The depth of the five-episode series benefits from Greenfield’s encyclopedic approach. The result is perhaps the most accurate and comprehensive portrait of Gen Z’s relationship to social media. With the release of the final episode this week (you can stream it on Hulu), I spoke with Greenfield over Zoom about the sometimes cruel, seemingly infinite experience of being a teenager online today.

    JASON PARHAM: In one episode, a student says, “I think you can’t log in to TikTok and be safe.” Having spent the previous three years fully immersed in this world, I’m curious if you think social media is bad?

    LAUREN GREENFIELD: I don’t think it’s a binary question. I really went into this as a social experiment. This is the first generation that has never grown up without it. So even though social media has been around for a while, they are the first generation of digital natives. I thought it was the right time to look at how it was impacting childhood. It’s the biggest cultural influence of this generation’s growing up, bigger than parents, peers, or school, especially coming out of Covid, which was when we started filming. You know, I didn’t go into filming with a point of view or an activist agenda, but I certainly was moved by what the teenagers said to me and what they showed in their lives, which is that it’s a pretty dire situation.

    Jason Parham

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  • Argentine authorities probe what happened before Liam Payne’s fatal fall from his hotel balcony

    Argentine authorities probe what happened before Liam Payne’s fatal fall from his hotel balcony

    BUENOS AIRES, Argentina — The circumstances surrounding the death of ex-One Direction singer Liam Payne were suspicious and possibly involved drugs, though there was no sign of a third party being involved, Argentine prosecutors said Thursday.

    Payne, 31, who died on Wednesday, first shot to fame as a teenager and grappled with the pressures of global stardom.

    As the news ricocheted around the world, fans and media swarmed the Casa Sur Hotel in the chic Palermo neighborhood of Argentina’s capital where Payne was found dead after plunging from his third-floor hotel room. All four of Payne’s former One Direction bandmates issued a joint statement saying they were “completely devastated.”

    “The memories we shared with him will be treasured forever,” said the letter, signed by Harry Styles, Niall Horan, Zayn Malik and Louis Tomlinson. “In time, and when everyone is able to, there will be more to say.”

    The Buenos Aires police said they found Payne’s hotel room “in complete disarray” with broken objects and furniture. They found packs of clonazepam, a central nervous system depressant, energy supplements and over-the-counter medications strewn about his belongings. The Argentine public prosecutor said there also appeared to be alcohol and narcotics in the room.

    Forensics teams reported that a whiskey bottle, lighter and cellphone were retrieved from the building’s internal courtyard where Payne’s body was found.

    The prosecutor said that the autopsy showed internal bleeding and 25 traumatic injuries to his skull, limbs and abdomen, consistent with a fall. It said those injuries alone were enough to cause his death.

    There were no signs of a third party being involved, the prosecutor said, but described Payne’s case as “suspicious,” citing the star’s apparent alcohol and drug usage.

    The lack of defensive injuries on Payne’s hands indicated that he may have fallen into a state of unconsciousness, the public prosecutor said, contributing to the possibility that Payne “was going through some kind of substance abuse episode” at the time. All signs indicated that Payne was alone at the time of his death, the prosecutor added.

    The results of the requested toxicology tests are pending and could take weeks to become public.

    Medical examiners listed his cause of death as “multiple trauma” and “internal and external bleeding.” Authorities said they took statements from three hotel employees and two women who had visited Payne in his hotel room hours earlier in an effort to reconstruct Payne’s final moments.

    The two women had left the hotel by the time of the incident, the prosecution said.

    Hard-core fans, foreign and local, showed up in droves to cry, sing and pay their respects at the hotel where Payne died. A musically inclined devotee broke into One Direction hits, jamming on his guitar as others sang along and filmed with their phones.

    Several girls with tear-stained cheeks paused to sit in trance-like silence before a makeshift memorial of candles and colorful flowers spilling prolifically onto the cordoned-off street outside the hotel. Some fans taped up portraits of Payne and handwritten notes with sorrowful slogans like “Always in my heart” on a tree trunk.

    At the city’s central Obelisco some kilometers away, the usual Thursday afternoon mix of food vendors, tourists and homeless people gave way to a gathering of largely young female fans united in grief.

    “It’s very painful that it’s gone so unexpectedly,” 15-year-old Melissa Acuña said from the vigil. “Obviously I came here to honor him, because it would be an ugly way for him to go if we didn’t.”

    On Wednesday, police said Payne “had jumped from the balcony of his room,” without elaborating on how they came to that conclusion or whether the jump was intentional. Police said they had rushed to the hotel in response to an emergency call just after 5 p.m. local time that had warned of an intoxicated guest acting erratically.

    A hotel manager can be heard on a 911 call recording obtained by The Associated Press saying the hotel has “a guest who is overwhelmed with drugs and alcohol. … He’s destroying the entire room and, well, we need you to send someone, please.”

    Tributes continued pouring in Thursday from pop industry figures and fellow musicians.

    Payne was known as the tousle-headed, sensible one of the quintet that went from a TV talent show to a pop phenomenon with a huge international following of swooning fans. In recent years, he had acknowledged struggling with alcoholism, saying in a YouTube video posted in July 2023 that he had been sober for six months after receiving treatment.

    “We are heartbroken. Liam will forever live in our hearts and we’ll remember him for his kind, funny and brave soul,” his family said in a statement through Payne’s representative. “We are supporting each other the best we can as a family and ask for privacy and space at this awful time.”

    Rolling Stones guitarist Ronnie Wood, who performed with One Direction in 2014, said he was “shocked and saddened.” The Backstreet Boys said in a social media post that their hearts go out to “Directioners around the world.”

    In past interviews, Payne alluded to the grueling consequences of growing up against the surreal backdrop of the entertainment industry.

    “I don’t think you can ever deal with that. It’s all a bit crazy for us to see that people get in that sort of state of mind about us and what we do,” he told the AP in 2013, recounting an experience where a fan was in a state of shock upon meeting him.

    One Direction announced an indefinite “hiatus” in 2016, and Payne — like each of his erstwhile bandmates — pursued a solo career, shifting toward EDM and hip-hop.

    While former bandmember Styles became a huge solo star, the others had more modest success. Payne’s 2017 single “Strip That Down,” featuring Quavo, reached the Billboard Top 10, and stayed on the charts for several months. He put out an album “LP1” in 2019, and his last release — a single called “Teardrops” — was released in March.

    In 2020, to mark the 10th anniversary of One Direction, Payne shared a screenshot of a text message he sent to his father on the day he joined the group, which read: “I’m in a boyband.”

    “What a journey … I had no idea what we were in for when I sent this text to my dad years ago at this exact time the band was formed,” he wrote.

    ___

    Associated Press journalists Natacha Pisarenko and Almudena Calatrava contributed reporting from Buenos Aires, Argentina.

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  • TikTok was aware of risks kids and teens face on its platform, legal document alleges

    TikTok was aware of risks kids and teens face on its platform, legal document alleges

    TikTok was aware that its design features are detrimental to its young users and that publicly touted tools aimed at limiting kids’ time on the site were largely ineffective, according to internal documents and communications exposed in lawsuit filed by the state of Kentucky.

    The details are among redacted portions of Kentucky’s lawsuit that contains the internal communications and documents unearthed during a more than two year investigation into the company by various states across the country.

    Kentucky’s lawsuit was filed this week, alongside separate complaints brought forth by attorneys general in a dozen states as well as the District of Columbia. TikTok is also facing another lawsuit from the Department of Justice and is itself suing the Justice Department over a federal law that could ban it in the U.S. by mid-January.

    The redacted information — which was inadvertently revealed by Kentucky’s attorney general’s office and first reported by Kentucky Public Radio — touches on a range of topics, most importantly the extent to which TikTok knew how much time young users were spending on the platform and how sincere it was when rolling out tools aimed at curbing excessive use.

    Beyond TikTok use among minors, the complaint alleges the short-form video sharing app has prioritized “beautiful people” on its platform and has noted internally that some of the content-moderation metrics it has publicized are “largely misleading.”

    The unredacted complaint, which was seen by The Associated Press, was sealed by a Kentucky state judge on Wednesday after state officials filed an emergency motion to seal it.

    When reached for comment, TikTok spokesperson Alex Haurek said: “It is highly irresponsible of the Associated Press to publish information that is under a court seal. Unfortunately, this complaint cherry-picks misleading quotes and takes outdated documents out of context to misrepresent our commitment to community safety.”

    “We have robust safeguards, which include proactively removing suspected underage users, and we have voluntarily launched safety features such as default screentime limits, family pairing, and privacy by default for minors under 16,” Haurek said in a prepared statement. “We stand by these efforts.”

    The complaint alleges that TikTok has quantified how long it takes for young users to get hooked on the platform, and shared the findings internally in presentations aimed at increasing user-retention rates. The “habit moment,” as TikTok calls it, occurs when users have watched 260 videos or more during the first week of having a TikTok account. This can happen in under 35 minutes since some TikTok videos run as short as 8 seconds, the complaint says.

    Kentucky’s lawsuit also cites a spring 2020 presentation from TikTok that concluded that the platform had already “hit a ceiling” among young users. At that point, the company’s estimates showed at least 95% of smartphone users under 17 used TikTok at least monthly, the complaint notes.

    TikTok tracks metrics for young users, including how long young users spend watching videos and how many of them use the platform every day. The company uses the information it gleans from these reviews to feed its algorithm, which tailors content to people’s interests, and drives user engagement, the complaint says.

    TikTok does its own internal studies to find out how the platform is impacting users. The lawsuit cites one group within the company, called “TikTank,” which noted in an internal report that compulsive usage was “rampant” on the platform. It also quotes an unnamed executive who said kids watch TikTok because the algorithm is “really good.”

    “But I think we need to be cognizant of what it might mean for other opportunities. And when I say other opportunities, I literally mean sleep, and eating, and moving around the room, and looking at somebody in the eyes,” the unnamed executive said, according to the complaint.

    TikTok has a 60-minute daily screen time limit for minors, a feature it rolled out in March 2023 with the stated aim of helping teens manage their time on the platform. But Kentucky’s complaint argues that the time limit — which users can easily bypass or disable — was intended more as a public relations tool than anything else.

    The lawsuit says TikTok measured the success of the time limit feature not by whether it reduced the time teens spent on the platform, but by three other metrics — the first of which was “improving public trust in the TikTok platform via media coverage.”

    Reducing screen time among teens was not included as a success metric, the lawsuit said. In fact, it alleged the company had planned to “revisit the design” of the feature if the time-limit feature had caused teens to reduce their TikTok usage by more than 10%.

    TikTok ran an experiment and found the time-limit prompts shaved off just a minute and a half from the average time teens spent on the app — from 108.5 to 107 minutes per day, according to the complaint. But despite the lack of movement, TikTok did not try to make the feature more effective, Kentucky officials say. They allege the ineffectiveness of the feature was, in many ways, by design.

    The complaint says a TikTok executive named Zhu Wenjia gave approval to the feature only if its impact on TikTok’s “core metrics” were minimal.

    TikTok — including its CEO Shou Chew — have talked about the app’s various time management tools, including videos TikTok sends users to encourage them to get off the platform. But a TikTok executive said in an internal meeting those videos are “useful” talking points, but are “not altogether effective.”

    In a section that details the negative impacts TikTok’s facial filters can have on users, Kentucky alleges that TikTok’s algorithm has “prioritized beautiful people” despite knowing internally that content on the platform could “perpetuate a narrow beauty norm.”

    The complaint alleges TikTok changed its algorithm after an internal report noted the app was showing a high “volume of … not attractive subjects” in the app’s main “For You” feed.

    “By changing the TikTok algorithm to show fewer ‘not attractive subjects’ in the For You feed, Defendants took active steps to promote a narrow beauty norm even though it could negatively impact their young users,” the complaint says.

    The lawsuit also takes aim at TikTok’s content-moderation practices.

    It cites internal communication where the company notes its moderation metrics are “largely misleading” because “we are good at moderating the content we capture, but these metrics do not account for the content that we miss.”

    The complaint notes that TikTok knows it has — but does not disclose — significant “leakage” rates, or content that violates the site’s community guidelines but is not removed or moderated. Other social media companies also face similar issues on their platforms.

    For TikTok, the complaint notes the “leakage” rates include roughly 36% of content that normalizes pedophilia and 50% of content that glorifies minor sexual assault.

    The lawsuit also accuses the company of misleading the public about its moderation and allowing some popular creators who were deemed to be “high value” to post content that violates the site’s guidelines.

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  • TikTok is designed to be addictive to kids and causes them harm, US states’ lawsuits say

    TikTok is designed to be addictive to kids and causes them harm, US states’ lawsuits say

    More than a dozen states and the District of Columbia filed lawsuits against TikTok on Tuesday, saying that the popular short-form video app is designed to be addictive to kids and harms their mental health.

    The lawsuits stem from a national investigation into TikTok, which was launched in March 2022 by a bipartisan coalition of attorneys general from many states, including New York, California, Kentucky and New Jersey. All of the complaints were filed in state courts.

    At the heart of each lawsuit is the TikTok algorithm, which powers what users see on the platform by populating the app’s main “For You” feed with content tailored to people’s interests. The lawsuits note TikTok design features that they say addict children to the platform, such as the ability to scroll endlessly through content, push notifications that come with built-in “buzzes” and face filters that create unattainable appearances for users.

    “They’ve chosen profit over the health and safety, well-being and future of our children,” California Attorney General Rob Bonta said at a news conference in San Francisco. “And that is not something we can accept. So we’ve sued.”

    The latest lawsuits come nearly a year after dozens of states sued Instagram parent Meta Platforms Inc. in state and federal courts for harming young people and contributing to the youth mental health crisis by knowingly and deliberately designing addictive features that keep kids hooked on their platforms.

    Keeping people on the platform is “how they generate massive ad revenue,” District of Columbia Attorney General Brian Schwalb said in an interview. “But unfortunately, that’s also how they generate adverse mental health impacts on the users.”

    The legal challenges, which also include Google’s YouTube, are part of a growing reckoning against social media companies and their effects on young people’s lives. In some cases, the challenges have been coordinated in a way that resembles how states previously organized against the tobacco and pharmaceutical industries.

    TikTok, though, is facing an even bigger obstacle, as its very existence in the U.S. is in question. Under a federal law that took effect earlier this year, TikTok could be banned from the U.S. by mid-January if its China-based parent company, ByteDance, doesn’t sell the platform by then. Both TikTok and ByteDance are challenging the law at an appeals court in Washington. A panel of three judges heard oral arguments in the case last month and are expected to issue a ruling, which could be appealed to the U.S. Supreme Court.

    In its filings Tuesday, the District of Columbia called the algorithm “dopamine-inducing,” and said it was created to be intentionally addictive so the company could trap many young users into excessive use and keep them on its app for hours on end. TikTok does this despite knowing that these behaviors will lead to profound psychological and physiological harms, such as anxiety, depression, body dysmorphia and other long-lasting problems, the district said.

    TikTok is disappointed that the lawsuits were filed after the company had been working with the attorneys general for two years on addressing to the issues, a spokesman said.

    “We strongly disagree with these claims, many of which we believe to be inaccurate and misleading,” the TikTok spokesman. Alex Haurek, said. “We’re proud of and remain deeply committed to the work we’ve done to protect teens and we will continue to update and improve our product.”

    The social media company does not allow children under 13 to sign up for its main service and restricts some content for everyone under 18. But Washington and several other states said in their filings that children can easily bypass those restrictions, allowing them to access the service adults use despite the company’s claims that its platform is safe for children.

    The District of Columbia alleges TikTok is operating as an “unlicensed virtual economy” by allowing people to purchase TikTok Coins – a virtual currency within the platform – and send “Gifts” to streamers on TikTok LIVE who can cash it out for real money. TikTok takes a 50% commission on these financial transactions but hasn’t registered as a money transmitter with the U.S. Treasury Department or authorities in the district, according to the complaint.

    Officials say teens are frequently exploited for sexually explicit content through TikTok’s LIVE streaming feature, which has allowed the app to operate essentially as a “virtual strip club” without any age restrictions. They say the cut the company gets from the financial transactions allows it to profit from exploitation.

    The 14 attorneys general say the goal of their lawsuits is to stop TikTok from using these features, impose financial penalties for their alleged illegal practices and collect damages for users that have been harmed.

    The use of social media among teens is nearly universal in the U.S. and many other parts of the world. Almost all teens ages 13 to 17 in the U.S. report using a social media platform, with about a third saying they use social media “almost constantly,” according to the Pew Research Center.

    High school students who frequently use social media more commonly have persistent feelings of sadness or hopelessness, according to a new survey from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention conducted last year in which about 20,000 teenagers participated.

    Also on Tuesday, 22 other states including Alabama, Colorado, Florida and Michigan filed an amicus brief urging a Tennessee court to force TikTok to produce documents related to a multistate investigation that those attorney general offices say TikTok is withholding or destroying.

    When TikTok failed to produce the requested information last year, 46 states including Minnesota filed an amicus brief in support of Tennessee. The amicus brief they filed Tuesday supports Tennessee’s continued efforts to compel TikTok’s compliance.

    Last week, Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton sued TikTok, alleging the company was sharing and selling minors’ personal information in violation of a new state law that prohibits these practices. TikTok, which disputes the allegations, is also fighting against a similar data-oriented federal lawsuit filed in August by the Department of Justice.

    Several Republican-led states, including Nebraska, Kansas, New Hampshire, Kansas, Iowa and Arkansas, also previously sued the company, some unsuccessfully, over allegations it is harming children’s mental health, exposing them to “inappropriate” content or allowing young people to be sexually exploited on its platform.

    ___

    Associated Press writers from around the U.S. contributed to this story.

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  • Social Media and Teens

    Social Media and Teens



    Remember MTV, and the hours of time spent in front of the television (the one in my memory still had knobs, no remote) waiting to catch that one music video you wanted to see? The VJs and their amazing style, the game shows that we may or may not have been allowed to watch, the Spring Break performances and games, the absolute anticipation for that hour of TRL after school! The programming was a glimpse into the greater world around us that many of us were eager to emulate. It was our source of entertainment, news to an extent, and a slice of culture that had us glued to our couch cushions. For Gen X and Millennials, MTV was our social media. 

    Is social media just a new version of TV

    Parents of 80s and 90s teens often couldn’t find the appeal when focusing on the music video culture. Excessive television consumption became a hot topic, with experts weighing in on long term effects on learning and social ramifications. Coupled with the surge in video gaming that took hold in the 80s and 90s, the millennial generation seemed doomed to become recluses, tied to their screens, never to venture outdoors again. But as usual, that generation grew up, and the artifacts of millennial teenage rebellion serve more as nostalgia, than a continued way of life. 

    So, bearing that in mind, perhaps parents of today’s teens can equate that social media is to their modern teen, what MTV was for them. If that is the case, parents of teens can begin to understand the appeal of social media spaces as places where teens turn for entertainment, news, and that slice of culture. It is also the place to connect with friends, family, and acquaintances, even when distance is an obstacle. On the heels of Covid, after leaning heavily on social media platforms to stay connected, teens can also feel great comfort in the connections they make through their phone screens.  

    At the same time, we do know that the beloved music videos of the 80s and 90s were at their worst,  made for TV and regulated as such. The internet is a much different beast altogether, with many dark corners that we should all attempt to avoid. Social media platforms can and do harbor some very bad behavior that parents rightfully want to protect their teens against. There are so many social media sites that it often feels like by the time adults find out about one platform their teens are already on to the next one. Educating oneself about the type of sites available and the goal of those sites is the first step because social media changes as frequently as the habits of the teens using them. 

    But at what cost?

    So, with all of these easily accessible apps available at the touch of a teens’ fingers, how do parents navigate creating safe spaces and communications around social media? We know that excessive exposure and use of social media sites contribute to lower self esteem, higher rates of depression and mental health struggles for teens. There are many articles highlighting the grim reality of too much time spent on social media. From cyberbullying to sharing too much information about themselves, to the dangers of interacting with strangers, parents know that they need to be a presence in their teens’ social media accounts. 

    What can parents do?

    The statistics clearly indicate that too much social media impacts teens negatively.  Regardless, teens are on it every day. So what can parents do to support their teens in positive behaviors?

    Limit time on social media

    Support school policies

    • Support school initiatives that call for phones to be off and away during school hours. Many parents are fearful of sending their child to school without a phone for communication. There may be good reason for this, but while in school, encourage your student to keep the phone off and out of sight. Schools have noted that social media is often used to promote violence, schedule fights or other unhealthy confrontations during school hours. 

    Set expectations

    • Set the expectation that your teen sets their account to “private”. Having a public account increases chances that more people have access to your teen online. 

    Be your teen’s ‘friend’

    • “Friend” your teen on social media. The reality is that many teens have more than one account on each platform. On instagram, it is common for teens to have 3 or more accounts to showcase their different interests. They may have one account where they “friend” their parents and other adults and other accounts that parents are unaware of. 

    Parental controls

    • Take advantage of parental controls. More internet providers and apps are offering more parental controls all the time. Call your provider to find out what options you have for setting controls on your teens devices. 
    • When possible, keep computers in shared spaces. Or, face computer screens towards the doorway so you can open the door and easily see what is on the computer screen in your teen’s room. If phone consumption is an issue, create spaces for the phone to charge away from the teen’s room if needed. 

    Talk, talk, talk

    • Talk, talk, talk… sure your teen may look like they are not listening or sometimes actually not be listening, but if you don’t talk about it, they won’t know your feelings about it. Talk open and honestly and often about the downsides of social media. To add balance, speak often and honestly about the lighter side of social media. Laugh alongside your teen at a funny video, or send them messages when you find something share worthy. By embracing the good side, your warnings about the bad side may be met with more understanding. 
    • Discuss the dangers of posting images online. Talk open and honestly about the digital footprint your teen may be leaving. Here is a quick resource lesson plan with a video for more information on the Digital Footprint. 

    Set an example

    • If the goal is for your teen to spend less time engaging in social media content, engage less yourself as well. Hold family dinner times and request phones be off and away during that time. Watch a show or movie in the evening, or play a game. “Practice what you preach” goes a lot further than “do as I say, and not as I do”. 

    Discuss cyberbullying

    • Explain that consequences of circulating photos of other people or posting a video of a fight can be serious. As a middle school teacher, I witnessed several young people be questioned or detained by police after posting or forwarding content of other teens. Charges could include defamation, harassment, and/or sexual harassment, etc.

    Encourage your teen to speak up

    • Many teens do not want to tell on other kids. They may  protect their friends even when they know they have done something wrong. Explicitly explain that participating in or even viewing illegal activity without reporting it can make them an accomplice to a crime. 

    Don’t believe everything you see, hear or read

    • Reiterate this message often. People can create content that is totally fake or that reflects a reality that doesn’t exist. Many teens get caught up in coveting what looks to be a better lifestyle. Remind your teen that looks are deceiving and social media can be used for informational purposes, but it’s main function is for entertainment. It’s not real life; it is a creative space for performance and sharing. 

     

    Final thoughts

    Consistent check-ins about social media consumption and open dialogue with your teen is important. Using a framework of expectations, boundaries, and consequences will help set the tone for social media usage in your home. Try to create balance by finding the joy and the good in social media with your teen. Follow some of the same content creators if you feel they provide a positive message. Speak often and honestly about what you feel is dangerous content or unhealthy online behavior. Reinforce the good while addressing the bad. It is no easy task to navigate social media with your teen. Adults also struggle to be kind and decent on the social media as they hide behind a screen.

    But perhaps, with knowledge, information, and strong support at home, our teens will learn to filter out the noise and enjoy the videos of dogs doing tricks, or young entrepreneurs sharing makeup tutorials. Possibly, there is as much good out there as there is bad. Finding the balance is the challenge and one teens and parents should navigate together. 





    Rachael Coughlin
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  • Instagram makes teen accounts private as pressure mounts on the app to protect children

    Instagram makes teen accounts private as pressure mounts on the app to protect children

    Instagram is making teen accounts private by default as it tries to make the platform safer for children amid a growing backlash against how social media affects young people’s lives.

    Beginning Tuesday in the U.S., U.K., Canada and Australia, anyone under 18 who signs up for Instagram will be placed into restrictive teen accounts and those with existing accounts will be migrated over the next 60 days. Teens in the European Union will see their accounts adjusted later this year.

    Parent company Meta acknowledges that teenagers may lie about their age and says it will require them to verify their ages in more instances, like if they try to create a new account with an adult birthday. The Menlo Park, California company also said it is building technology that proactively finds teen accounts that pretend to be grownups and automatically places them into the restricted teen accounts.

    The teen accounts will be private by default. Private messages are restricted so teens can only receive them from people they follow or are already connected to. “Sensitive content,” such as videos of people fighting or those promoting cosmetic procedures, will be limited, Meta said. Teens will also get notifications if they are on Instagram for more than 60 minutes and a “sleep mode” will be enabled that turns off notifications and sends auto-replies to direct messages from 10 p.m. until 7 a.m.

    While these settings will be turned on for all teens, 16 and 17-year-olds will be able to turn them off. Kids under 16 will need their parents’ permission to do so.

    “The three concerns we’re hearing from parents are that their teens are seeing content that they don’t want to see or that they’re getting contacted by people they don’t want to be contacted by or that they’re spending too much time on the app,” said Naomi Gleit, head of product at Meta. “So teen accounts is really focused on addressing those three concerns.”

    The announcement comes as the company faces lawsuits from dozens of U.S. states that accuse it of harming young people and contributing to the youth mental health crisis by knowingly and deliberately designing features on Instagram and Facebook that addict children to its platforms.

    While Meta didn’t give specifics on how the changes might affect its business, the company said the changes may mean that teens will use Instagram less in the short term. Emarketer analyst Jasmine Enberg said the revenue impact of the changes “will likely be minimal.”

    “Even as Meta continues to prioritize teen safety, it’s unlikely that it’s going to make sweeping changes that would cause a major financial hit,” she said, adding that the teen accounts are unlikely to significantly affect how engaged teens are with Instagram “not in the least because there are still plenty of ways to circumvent the rules, and could even make them more motivated to work around the age limits.”

    New York Attorney General Letitia James said Meta’s announcement was “an important first step, but much more needs to be done to ensure our kids are protected from the harms of social media.” James’ office is working with other New York officials on how to implement a new state law intended to curb children’s access to what critics call addictive social media feeds.

    Others were more critical. Nicole Gill, the co-founder and executive director of the nonprofit Accountable Tech, called Instagram’s announcement the “latest attempt to avoid actual independent oversight and regulation and instead continue to self-regulate, jeopardizing the health, safety, and privacy of young people.”

    “Today’s PR exercise falls short of the safety by design and accountability that young people and their parents deserve and only meaningful policy action can guarantee,” she said. “Meta’s business model is built on addicting its users and mining their data for profit; no amount of parental and teen controls Meta is proposing will change that.”

    Sen. Marsha Blackburn (R-Tenn.), the co-author of the Kids Online Safety Act that recently passed the Senate, questioned the timing of the announcement “on the eve of a House markup” of the bill.

    “Just like clockwork, the Kids Online Safety Act moves forward and industry comes out with a new set of self-enforcing guidelines,” she said.

    In the past, Meta’s efforts at addressing teen safety and mental health on its platforms have also been met with criticism that the changes don’t go far enough. For instance, while kids will get a notification when they’ve spent 60 minutes on the app, they will be able to bypass it and continue scrolling.

    That’s unless the child’s parents turn on “parental supervision” mode, where parents can limit teens’ time on Instagram to a specific amount of time, such as 15 minutes.

    With the latest changes, Meta is giving parents more options to oversee their kids’ accounts. Those under 16 will need a parent or guardian’s permission to change their settings to less restrictive ones. They can do this by setting up “parental supervision” on their accounts and connecting them to a parent or guardian.

    Nick Clegg, Meta’s president of global affairs, said last week that parents don’t use the parental controls the company has introduced in recent years.

    Meta’s Gleit said she thinks the teen accounts will incentivize parents to start using them.

    “Parents will be able to see, via the family center, who is messaging their teen and hopefully have a conversation with their teen,” she said. “If there is bullying or harassment happening, parents will have visibility into who their teen’s following, who’s following their teen, who their teen has messaged in the past seven days and hopefully have some of these conversations and help them navigate these really difficult situations online.”

    U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy said last year that tech companies put too much responsibility on parents when it comes to keeping children safe on social media.

    “We’re asking parents to manage a technology that’s rapidly evolving that fundamentally changes how their kids think about themselves, how they build friendships, how they experience the world — and technology, by the way, that prior generations never had to manage,” Murthy said in May 2023.

    ——

    Associated Press writer Anthony Izaguirre in New York contributed to this report.

    ——

    This story has been updated to correct the name of Nicole Gill.

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  • Fostering Independence in Younger Teens: Watching from the Beach

    Fostering Independence in Younger Teens: Watching from the Beach



    Understand Your Role As a Parent

    Recently, I sat on the beach watching my son surf. As I relaxed, I began to observe the pattern of the waves in comparison to my son’s ability or desire to catch them. I noticed the many other people out in the water, and their presence in comparison to my son’s position. I observed the unspoken rules that take place out in the ocean where an unpredictable force of nature combines with a small community of often strangers. My teen waited on his board, noted the patterns of waves and people around him. Decided when to hold back and let someone else take their turn and when to charge a wave when it was clearly, finally his turn. His head bobbed up and down on waves that were not worth the paddle, sitting confidently on a board that would take him where he wanted to go, but only when the timing was just right. 

    Let Your Teen Learn While You Can Only Watch

    The realization that I could not assist him in any of his decisions out in the water washed over me. As a spectator on the beach for these couple of hours in his life, I couldn’t tell the other surfers to give him his turn when I thought it was time. I couldn’t ask the waves to change their course. There was nothing to do but watch, and be there ready if he wiped out or washed up. Everything else was up to him. I watched my son navigate the personalities of the ocean and the other surfers, finding his footing and where he belonged in the line up. And I watched him do all of this, with no help from me. 

    There was a slight nagging sense of helplessness there, but also a feeling of pride that my child could independently navigate life out in the surf. I knew that I needed to beach myself more often, in other areas of his life as well; that becoming independent in this phase of life is not only necessary for the transition towards adulthood, but valued and desired by our teens as well. While our parental intentions may be set to let our teens surf on thir own, letting go isn’t always that easy and may take some conscious effort. 

    So, how do we keep our feet in the sand, while allowing our young teens to explore the ocean without us? How do we let go just enough to foster the independence our teens need and crave?

    Practical Steps to Fostering Independence in Your Teen

    Here are seven practical steps to help your teen become more independent:

    1. Baby steps

    Baby steps are just fine. If your teen has yet to walk around the block on their own without your assistance, it would be much too big a leap to ask them to ride the bus downtown without you. Break goals up into small and manageable tasks. If you would like your teen to try something new that will help them gain independence, it is helpful to try it with them a couple of times first. Map the bus route out together, take the journey a couple of times together and then allow them and encourage them to take the bus by themselves the next time. You have supported them and helped to create comfort in the unknown, and now they are ready to try on their own.

    2. Set boundaries and expectations

    Some teens are not nervous at all to take flight and thus can cause some anxiety for their parents who are not ready for them to fly solo just yet. Set clear boundaries and expectations and be ready to have a meaningful consequence if boundaries and expectations are not met.

    Examples of boundaries and expectations

    • I will allow you to go to _______. You need to be home by ______. 
    • When you get to ________, I expect you to call/text me. 
    • You can go with ________, but I would like to talk to their parent first. 
    • My expectation is that you always wear a helmet. 
    • The boundary is here. You may not go past this point when out without me. 
    • A boundary I have is that you may not be at _________ house without a parent home. 
    • My expectation is that if you find yourself in an uncomfortable situation, you will call me and I will come help you.

     

    Examples of consequences for not meeting expectations and boundaries

    • You didn’t return home at the agreed upon time. Our trust has been broken and you won’t be able to go the next time. 
    • You didn’t call or check in like we agreed upon. Your phone is meant to help us communicate. I need to hold on to it for now, until we can try again. 
    • We agreed that you would wear your helmet and you did not. It is not safe for you to use your bike/scooter/etc like that, so you will need some time away from it. 
    • You went past the boundary we agreed upon. I won’t be able to allow you to go again for ____ until I feel like you can try again. 

     

    Young teens can feel stifled by parent boundaries and expectations, but it is more important to set up these systems of trust before the stakes change when teens are older and have the opportunity to drive. Working with your young teen to uphold boundaries and expectations with clear sets of consequences will support healthy development towards the later teen years.

    3. Use Tracking Apps

    There are MANY apps that families can use to track each other’s phones if needed. These are amazing applications that can help the whole family stay connected. They are not however always reliable and they can and will be outsmarted. While it would be ideal to rely on trust first and foremost with your young teen, there are times when even the most trustworthy young person feels they need to deter their parents. Which brings us to the next point.

    4. Be open and honest

    Most kids want their parents to trust them and be proud of them. Teenage rebellion is a fairly natural stage in life however, and even the most upright citizen probably made a few questionable decisions in their teen years. Social image, social situations, peer pressure, and impressing friends are all factors to consider in a young teens life. Keep the lines of communication open and honest as much as possible. Use the language of expectations, boundaries, consequences, and trust with your teen often.

    5. Privacy and monitoring your teen’s phone

    This one could be controversial. Where does privacy begin and end for a young teen? Should they have total control to social media and their phone without parental involvement? Many experts believe young teens shouldn’t be using social media or phones really at all and much of the research suggests that delayed exposure to social media benefits our kids. Many parents agree, but find it difficult to implement this approach in real life. And if your teen already has a device with access to social media, perhaps the cat is already out of the bag so to speak. So, is checking their phone ok? This is a question to discuss with your teen as you set up the boundaries and expectations for the use of the phone you are allowing them to have. Some phrases to support this discussion could include:

    • This is a phone I am allowing you to use. My expectation is that you do not use the following apps or social media sites. 
    • This is a phone I am allowing you to use, and with the use, I will check the phone every so often to see what the activity is. 

    6. Develop a sense of responsibility

    In addition to monitoring our young teens to help support independence, there are also responsibilities that should come with growing older. Some areas that teens can and should help out with:

    • Cleaning up their own space and bathroom
    • Cleaning up shared spaces with the family
    • Taking care of pets
    • Doing their own laundry
    • Learning to cook
    • Keeping track of their schoolwork with less parental intervention. 
    • If a teen has never had these expectations, there is a learning curve in which parents need to model the skill, complete the skill WITH the teen first and then create the expectation that the teen be able to complete the chore independently. When considering a teen with neurodivergence, it is also important to use the same processes and strategies that are helpful for that teen in other areas of their learning day to help support new learning in the home or in the community. Create checklists, create systems of rewards and positive affirmations for jobs well done. 

    7. Instill confidence

    Actively instill confidence in your teen as much as possible. While some teens are seeking independence, others may be fearful or anxious about navigating this world without their parent. In both scenarios, parents should strive to create confidence in areas that show growth in independence. Give compliments, praise a good effort, and buy into the idea that if something doesn’t work out, you can all try again. While it is difficult for parents to watch their child struggle, it is often in the struggle and in working through a problem that humans learn the most. Be there for your teen, but don’t fix everything for them. Let them work out their issues with friends, ask them to try to talk with their teacher before you do, encourage them to speak with their coach and not have you step in for them. In addition, teach them to accept an unfavorable outcome when appropriate. If they have a disagreement with a friend, allow them to be the one to repair the relationship. You can always be the place where your teen turns, but at this point, it is time for you to work more behind the scenes while they start to hear and understand their own voice. 

    Watching from the beach

    And that is where the magic happens for our teens: Persevering through the struggle. It is why we parents can watch and cheer from the beach, but cannot help our teens stand up on that board. We have to allow them to work, and feel the absolute pride in one’s self when they achieve what they set out to do, all on their own. This is the challenge for many of us as parents because it is difficult to let go. It is hard to watch our kids wipe out. It is hard to watch them leave the water without catching a wave.  We have to be willing to let them though, and to drive them back out to the beach another day so they can try again. 





    Rachael Coughlin
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  • Fostering Independence in Younger Teens: Watching from the Beach

    Fostering Independence in Younger Teens: Watching from the Beach



    Understand Your Role As a Parent

    Recently, I sat on the beach watching my son surf. As I relaxed, I began to observe the pattern of the waves in comparison to my son’s ability or desire to catch them. I noticed the many other people out in the water, and their presence in comparison to my son’s position. I observed the unspoken rules that take place out in the ocean where an unpredictable force of nature combines with a small community of often strangers. My teen waited on his board, noted the patterns of waves and people around him. Decided when to hold back and let someone else take their turn and when to charge a wave when it was clearly, finally his turn. His head bobbed up and down on waves that were not worth the paddle, sitting confidently on a board that would take him where he wanted to go, but only when the timing was just right. 

    Let Your Teen Learn While You Can Only Watch

    The realization that I could not assist him in any of his decisions out in the water washed over me. As a spectator on the beach for these couple of hours in his life, I couldn’t tell the other surfers to give him his turn when I thought it was time. I couldn’t ask the waves to change their course. There was nothing to do but watch, and be there ready if he wiped out or washed up. Everything else was up to him. I watched my son navigate the personalities of the ocean and the other surfers, finding his footing and where he belonged in the line up. And I watched him do all of this, with no help from me. 

    There was a slight nagging sense of helplessness there, but also a feeling of pride that my child could independently navigate life out in the surf. I knew that I needed to beach myself more often, in other areas of his life as well; that becoming independent in this phase of life is not only necessary for the transition towards adulthood, but valued and desired by our teens as well. While our parental intentions may be set to let our teens surf on thir own, letting go isn’t always that easy and may take some conscious effort. 

    So, how do we keep our feet in the sand, while allowing our young teens to explore the ocean without us? How do we let go just enough to foster the independence our teens need and crave?

    Practical Steps to Fostering Independence in Your Teen

    Here are seven practical steps to help your teen become more independent:

    1. Baby steps

    Baby steps are just fine. If your teen has yet to walk around the block on their own without your assistance, it would be much too big a leap to ask them to ride the bus downtown without you. Break goals up into small and manageable tasks. If you would like your teen to try something new that will help them gain independence, it is helpful to try it with them a couple of times first. Map the bus route out together, take the journey a couple of times together and then allow them and encourage them to take the bus by themselves the next time. You have supported them and helped to create comfort in the unknown, and now they are ready to try on their own.

    2. Set boundaries and expectations

    Some teens are not nervous at all to take flight and thus can cause some anxiety for their parents who are not ready for them to fly solo just yet. Set clear boundaries and expectations and be ready to have a meaningful consequence if boundaries and expectations are not met.

     

    Examples of boundaries and expectations

    • I will allow you to go to _______. You need to be home by ______. 
    • When you get to ________, I expect you to call/text me. 
    • You can go with ________, but I would like to talk to their parent first. 
    • My expectation is that you always wear a helmet. 
    • The boundary is here. You may not go past this point when out without me. 
    • A boundary I have is that you may not be at _________ house without a parent home. 
    • My expectation is that if you find yourself in an uncomfortable situation, you will call me and I will come help you.

     

    Examples of consequences for not meeting expectations and boundaries

    • You didn’t return home at the agreed upon time. Our trust has been broken and you won’t be able to go the next time. 
    • You didn’t call or check in like we agreed upon. Your phone is meant to help us communicate. I need to hold on to it for now, until we can try again. 
    • We agreed that you would wear your helmet and you did not. It is not safe for you to use your bike/scooter/etc like that, so you will need some time away from it. 
    • You went past the boundary we agreed upon. I won’t be able to allow you to go again for ____ until I feel like you can try again. 

     

    Young teens can feel stifled by parent boundaries and expectations, but it is more important to set up these systems of trust before the stakes change when teens are older and have the opportunity to drive. Working with your young teen to uphold boundaries and expectations with clear sets of consequences will support healthy development towards the later teen years.

    3. Use Tracking Apps

    There are MANY apps that families can use to track each other’s phones if needed. These are amazing applications that can help the whole family stay connected. They are not however always reliable and they can and will be outsmarted. While it would be ideal to rely on trust first and foremost with your young teen, there are times when even the most trustworthy young person feels they need to deter their parents. Which brings us to the next point.

    4. Be open and honest

    Most kids want their parents to trust them and be proud of them. Teenage rebellion is a fairly natural stage in life however, and even the most upright citizen probably made a few questionable decisions in their teen years. Social image, social situations, peer pressure, and impressing friends are all factors to consider in a young teens life. Keep the lines of communication open and honest as much as possible. Use the language of expectations, boundaries, consequences, and trust with your teen often.

    5. Privacy and monitoring your teen’s phone

    This one could be controversial. Where does privacy begin and end for a young teen? Should they have total control to social media and their phone without parental involvement? Many experts believe young teens shouldn’t be using social media or phones really at all and much of the research suggests that delayed exposure to social media benefits our kids. Many parents agree, but find it difficult to implement this approach in real life. And if your teen already has a device with access to social media, perhaps the cat is already out of the bag so to speak. So, is checking their phone ok? This is a question to discuss with your teen as you set up the boundaries and expectations for the use of the phone you are allowing them to have. Some phrases to support this discussion could include:

    • This is a phone I am allowing you to use. My expectation is that you do not use the following apps or social media sites. 
    • This is a phone I am allowing you to use, and with the use, I will check the phone every so often to see what the activity is. 

    6. Develop a sense of responsibility

    In addition to monitoring our young teens to help support independence, there are also responsibilities that should come with growing older. Some areas that teens can and should help out with:

    • Cleaning up their own space and bathroom
    • Cleaning up shared spaces with the family
    • Taking care of pets
    • Doing their own laundry
    • Learning to cook
    • Keeping track of their schoolwork with less parental intervention. 
    • If a teen has never had these expectations, there is a learning curve in which parents need to model the skill, complete the skill WITH the teen first and then create the expectation that the teen be able to complete the chore independently. When considering a teen with neurodivergence, it is also important to use the same processes and strategies that are helpful for that teen in other areas of their learning day to help support new learning in the home or in the community. Create checklists, create systems of rewards and positive affirmations for jobs well done. 

    7. Instill confidence

    Actively instill confidence in your teen as much as possible. While some teens are seeking independence, others may be fearful or anxious about navigating this world without their parent. In both scenarios, parents should strive to create confidence in areas that show growth in independence. Give compliments, praise a good effort, and buy into the idea that if something doesn’t work out, you can all try again. While it is difficult for parents to watch their child struggle, it is often in the struggle and in working through a problem that humans learn the most. Be there for your teen, but don’t fix everything for them. Let them work out their issues with friends, ask them to try to talk with their teacher before you do, encourage them to speak with their coach and not have you step in for them. In addition, teach them to accept an unfavorable outcome when appropriate. If they have a disagreement with a friend, allow them to be the one to repair the relationship. You can always be the place where your teen turns, but at this point, it is time for you to work more behind the scenes while they start to hear and understand their own voice. 

    Watching from the beach

    And that is where the magic happens for our teens: Persevering through the struggle. It is why we parents can watch and cheer from the beach, but cannot help our teens stand up on that board. We have to allow them to work, and feel the absolute pride in one’s self when they achieve what they set out to do, all on their own. This is the challenge for many of us as parents because it is difficult to let go. It is hard to watch our kids wipe out. It is hard to watch them leave the water without catching a wave.  We have to be willing to let them though, and to drive them back out to the beach another day so they can try again. 





    Rachael Coughlin
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  • 27 Gifts Teens May Actually Like

    27 Gifts Teens May Actually Like

    Teenagers are intimidating. They speak their own language, blurt out confusing jokes, and somehow have always already seen the TikToks you send them. It can be hard to keep up with the absolute coolest kids around, and that’s especially true when it comes to holiday gift-giving. For the past few years, we’ve informally polled some of the terrifying supercool teens in our lives to find out what presents they really want. These gift ideas are not one-size-fits-all, but they might help you get inspired and reach the ultimate goal: giving a gift the teen in your life actually likes.

    Be sure to check out our many other gift guides, including the Best Viral TikTok Gadgets, 25 Amazing Gifts Under $25, and Gifts for Coffee Lovers.

    Updated September 2024: We added a phone mount and a hoodie, and we replaced previous picks with their newer versions. We also checked links and pricing.

    Louryn Strampe

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  • Teen vaping hits 10-year low in the US

    Teen vaping hits 10-year low in the US

    WASHINGTON (AP) — Fewer adolescents are vaping this year than at any point in the last decade, government officials reported Thursday, pointing to a shrinking number of high school students who are using Elf Bar and other fruity, unauthorized e-cigarettes.

    The latest survey numbers show the teen vaping rate fell to under 6% this year, down from 7.7% in 2023. More than 1.6 million students reported vaping in the previous month — about one-third the number in 2019, when underage vaping peaked with the use of discrete, high-nicotine e-cigarettes like Juul.

    This year’s decline was mainly driven by a half-million fewer high school students who reported using e-cigarettes in the past month, officials said. Vaping was unchanged among middle schoolers, but remains less common in that group, at 3.5% of students.

    “This is a monumental public health win,” FDA’s tobacco director Brian King told reporters. “But we can’t rest on our laurels. There’s clearly more work to do to further reduce youth use.”

    King and other officials noted that the drop in vaping didn’t coincide with a rise in other tobacco industry products, such as nicotine pouches.

    Sales of small, flavored pouches like Zyn have surged among adults. The subject of viral videos on social media platforms, the pouches come in flavors like mint and cinnamon and slowly release nicotine when placed along the gumline. This year’s U.S. survey shows 1.8% of teens are using them, largely unchanged from last year.

    “Our guard is up,” King said. “We’re aware of the reported growing sales trends and we’re closely monitoring the evolving tobacco product landscape.”

    The federal survey involved more than 29,000 students in grades 6 through 12 who filled out an online questionnaire in the spring. Health officials consider the survey to be their best measure of youth tobacco and nicotine trends. Thursday’s update focused on vaping products and nicotine pouches, but the full publication will eventually include rates of cigarette and cigar smoking, which have also hit historic lows in recent years.

    Officials from the FDA and Centers for Disease Control and Prevention attributed the big drop in vaping to recent age restrictions and more aggressive enforcement against retailers and manufacturers, including Chinese vaping companies who have sold their e-cigarettes illegally in the U.S. for years.

    Use of the most popular e-cigarette among teens, Elf Bar, fell 36% in the wake of FDA warning letters to stores and distributors selling the brightly colored vapes, which come in flavors like watermelon ice and peach mango. The brand is part of a wave of cheap, disposable e-cigarettes from China that have taken over a large portion of the U.S. vaping market. The FDA has tried to block such imports, although Elf Bar and other brands have tried to find workarounds by changing their names, addresses and logos.

    Teen use of major American e-cigarettes like Vuse and Juul remained significant, with about 12% of teens who vape reporting use of those those brands.

    In 2020, FDA regulators banned fruit and candy flavors from reusable e-cigarettes like Juul, which are now only sold in menthol and tobacco. But the flavor restriction didn’t apply to disposable products, and companies like Elf Bar stepped in to fill the gap.

    Other key findings in the report:

    — Among students who current use e-cigarettes, about 26% said they vape daily.

    — Nearly 90% of the students who vape used flavored products, with fruit flavors as the overwhelming favorite.

    — Zyn is the most common nicotine pouch among teens who use the products.

    ___

    The Associated Press Health and Science Department receives support from the Howard Hughes Medical Institute’s Science and Educational Media Group. The AP is solely responsible for all content.

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  • Teen charged in deadly shooting at Georgia high school appears in court for hearing

    Teen charged in deadly shooting at Georgia high school appears in court for hearing

    WINDER, Ga. — The father of the 14-year-old suspect in the deadly shooting at a Georgia high school will remain jailed without bail after a Friday morning hearing.

    Colin Gray’s hearing came shortly after a court appearance for his son, Colt Gray, who’s accused of killing four people in a shooting at Apalachee High School. The teen will also remain in detention.

    THIS IS A BREAKING NEWS UPDATE. AP’s earlier story follows below.

    The 14-year-old suspect in a shooting at a Georgia high school that killed four people will stay in detention as his lawyer declined to seek bail at a Friday morning court hearing.

    After the hearing, Colt Gray was escorted out in shackles at the wrists and ankles in khaki pants and a green shirt. The judge then called Colt Gray back to the courtroom to correct an earlier misstatement that his crimes could be punishable by death. Because he’s a juvenile, the maximum penalty he would face is life without parole. The judge also set another hearing for Dec. 4.

    Friday’s hearing comes a day after the teen’s father was also arrested for allowing his son to have a weapon.

    According to arrest warrants obtained by The Associated Press, Colt Gray is accused of using a semiautomatic assault-style rifle to kill two students and two teachers at Apalachee High School in Winder, outside Atlanta. Nine people were also hurt in Wednesday’s attack. Authorities have not offered any motive or explained how Gray obtained the gun or got it into the school.

    The teen’s father, Colin Gray, 54, was charged Thursday in connection with the shooting, including with counts of involuntary manslaughter and second-degree murder, Georgia Bureau of Investigation Director Chris Hosey said.

    “His charges are directly connected with the actions of his son and allowing him to possess a weapon,” Hosey said. Colin Gray’s first court appearance also was set for Friday.

    It’s the latest example of prosecutors holding parents responsible for their children’s actions in school shootings. In April, Michigan parents Jennifer and James Crumbley were the first convicted in a U.S. mass school shooting. They were sentenced to at least 10 years in prison for not securing a firearm at home and acting indifferently to signs of their son’s deteriorating mental health before he killed four students in 2021.

    Before Colin Gray’s arrest was reported, the AP knocked on the door of a home listed for him seeking comment about his son’s arrest. Court records early Friday didn’t indicate whether either had a lawyer yet ahead of their court hearings.

    Colt Gray was charged as an adult with four counts of murder in the deaths of Mason Schermerhorn and Christian Angulo, both 14, Richard Aspinwall, 39, and Cristina Irimie, 53.

    A neighbor remembered Schermerhorn as inquisitive when he was a little boy. Aspinwall and Irimie were both math teachers, and Aspinwall also helped coach the school’s football team. Irimie, who immigrated from Romania, volunteered at a local church, where she taught dance.

    Before Colt Gray’s hearing at the Barrow County courthouse, court workers set out boxes of tissue along courtroom benches, and relatives and community members began to trickle into the courtroom Friday morning in advance of the hearings for the son and father.

    The teen denied threatening to carry out a school shooting when authorities interviewed him last year about a menacing post on social media, according to a sheriff’s report obtained Thursday.

    Conflicting evidence on the post’s origin left investigators unable to arrest anyone, the report said. Jackson County Sheriff Janis Mangum said she reviewed the report from May 2023 and found nothing that would have justified bringing charges at the time.

    The attack was the latest among dozens of school shootings across the U.S. in recent years, including especially deadly ones in Newtown, Connecticut; Parkland, Florida; and Uvalde, Texas. The classroom killings have set off fervent debates about gun control but there has been little change to national gun laws.

    It was the 30th mass killing in the U.S. so far this year, according to a database maintained by The Associated Press and USA Today in partnership with Northeastern University. At least 127 people have died in those killings, which are defined as events in which four or more people die within a 24-hour period, not including the killer — the same definition used by the FBI.

    ___

    Martin reported from Atlanta. Associated Press journalists Charlotte Kramon, Sharon Johnson, Mike Stewart and Erik Verduzco in Winder; Trenton Daniel and Beatrice Dupuy in New York; Eric Tucker in Washington; Russ Bynum in Savannah, Georgia; Kate Brumback in Atlanta; and Mark Thiessen in Anchorage, Alaska, contributed to this report.

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  • A teen charged with killing 4 people at a Georgia high school was interviewed about online threats

    A teen charged with killing 4 people at a Georgia high school was interviewed about online threats

    WINDER, Ga. — The teen charged with opening fire at a Georgia high school was interviewed by police more than a year ago as they looked into online posts threatening a school shooting, but investigators did not have enough evidence for an arrest, officials said.

    The 14-year-old suspect has been charged as an adult in the shooting Wednesday outside Atlanta that killed four people and wounded nine. He is accused of using an assault-style rifle to kill two students and two teachers in the hallway outside his algebra classroom, Georgia Bureau of Investigation Director Chris Hosey told a news conference.

    It was the latest among dozens of school shootings across the U.S. in recent years, including especially deadly ones in Newtown, Connecticut; Parkland, Florida; and Uvalde, Texas. The classroom killings have set off fervent debates about gun control and frayed the nerves of parents whose children are growing up accustomed to active-shooter drills. But there has been little change to national gun laws.

    Classes were canceled Thursday at Apalachee High School, though some people came to pay respects by leaving flowers around the flagpole and kneeling in the grass with heads bowed. Among them was Linda Carter, who lives nearby. Though she has no children attending the school, Carter said the rampage left her angry and hurting.

    “I’m upset, I’m crying constantly,” Carter said. “These kids shouldn’t have lost their lives. These parents, these adults, these teachers should not have lost their lives yesterday.”

    When the suspect slipped out of class Wednesday, Lyela Sayarath figured her quiet classmate who recently transferred was skipping school again. But he returned later and wanted back into the room. Some students went to open the locked door but instead backed away.

    “I’m guessing they saw something, but for some reason, they didn’t open the door,” Sayarath said.

    The teen then turned the gun on people in a hallway, authorities said.

    He has been charged in the deaths of students Mason Schermerhorn and Christian Angulo, both 14, and teachers Richard Aspinwall, 39, and Christina Irimie, 53, Hosey said. The teen was to be taken Thursday to a regional youth detention facility.

    When the teen was not allowed back into his classroom, Sayarath said she heard a barrage of gunshots.

    “It was about 10 or 15 of them at once, back to back,” she said.

    The math students fell to the floor and crawled around, looking for a safe corner to hide.

    Two school resource officers encountered the shooter within minutes of a report that shots had been fired, Hosey said. The teen immediately surrendered and was taken into custody.

    At least nine other people — eight students and one teacher at the school in Winder — were taken to hospitals. All were expected to survive, Barrow County Sheriff Jud Smith said. Authorities were still looking into how the teen obtained the gun and got it into the school with about 1,900 students in a rapidly developing area on the edge of metro Atlanta’s ever-expanding sprawl.

    “All the students that had to watch their teachers and their fellow classmates die, the ones that had to walk out of the school limping, that looked traumatized,” Sayarath said.

    It was the 30th mass killing in the U.S. so far this year, according to a database maintained by The Associated Press and USA Today in partnership with Northeastern University. At least 127 people have died in those killings, which are defined as events in which four or more people die within a 24-hour period, not including the killer — the same definition used by the FBI.

    The teen had been interviewed after the FBI received anonymous tips in May 2023 about online threats to commit an unspecified school shooting, the agency said in a statement.

    The FBI narrowed the threats down and referred to the case to the sheriff’s department in Jackson County, which is adjacent to Barrow County.

    The sheriff’s office interviewed the then-13-year-old and his father, who said there were hunting guns in the house but the teen did not have unsupervised access to them. The teen also denied making any online threats.

    The sheriff’s office alerted local schools for continued monitoring of the teen, but there was no probable cause for arrest or additional action, the FBI said.

    Hosey said the state Division of Family and Children’s Services also had previous contact with the teen and will investigate whether that has any connection with the shooting. Local news outlets reported that the teen’s family home in Bethlehem, Georgia, was searched Wednesday.

    On Wednesday evening, hundreds gathered in Jug Tavern Park in downtown Winder for a vigil. Volunteers handed out candles. Some knelt as a Methodist minister led the crowd in prayer after a Barrow County commissioner read a Jewish prayer of mourning.

    Christopher Vasquez, 15, said he attended the vigil because he needed to feel grounded and be in a safe place.

    He was in band practice when the lockdown order was issued. He said it felt like a regular drill as students lined up to hide in the band closet.

    “Once we heard banging at the door and the SWAT (team) came to take us out, that’s when I knew that it was serious,” he said. “I just started shaking and crying.”

    He finally settled down once he was at the football stadium. “I just was praying that everyone I love was safe,” he said.

    ___

    Associated Press journalists Sharon Johnson, Mike Stewart and Erik Verduzco in Winder; Beatrice Dupuy in New York; Russ Bynum in Savannah, Georgia; Charlotte Kramon, Kate Brumback and Jeff Martin in Atlanta; and Mark Thiessen in Anchorage, Alaska, contributed to this report.

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  • Explosion levels southwest Louisiana home, killing teen from Alabama and injuring 5

    Explosion levels southwest Louisiana home, killing teen from Alabama and injuring 5

    RAGLEY, La. — Investigators are trying to determine the cause of an explosion that destroyed a southwest Louisiana home, killing a teenage boy from Alabama and injuring five other people.

    Louisiana State Fire Marshal Bryan J. Adams said the explosion happened Saturday morning. Firefighters arrived to find the house burning. The explosion leveled the house, throwing debris for some distance and seriously damaging nearby vehicles and a metal outbuilding.

    Killed was Deuce Barrere, 16, of Theodore, Alabama, local news outlets reported. Five other people were taken to hospitals including Barrere’s older sister and mother. Adams said a toddler who was in the house was not injured and is being cared for by relatives.

    “This is an unimaginable tragedy for this family and community,” Adams said in a statement.

    Friends of Duece Barrere who gathered on Dauphin Island, Alabama, on Sunday to remember him told WALA-TV that he was a high school cheerleader.

    “When I was upset, he always made sure it was good before I left, and he always made sure everybody here was happy,” said Adalynn Hall, who said she was Barrere’s girlfriend.

    Some nearby residents told KPLC-TV that the explosion felt like an earthquake, and that the resulting shock wave knocked items to the floor in their homes and caused power outages.

    Ragley is about 20 miles (32 kilometers) north of Lake Charles.

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  • 2 teens dead following moped crash on Cross Island Parkway

    2 teens dead following moped crash on Cross Island Parkway

    WHITESTONE, Queens (WABC) — Two teens who were riding a moped were killed in a crash on the Cross Island Parkway in Queens early Saturday.

    Police say the accident happened in the southbound lanes near 150th Street in Whitestone.

    The victims were discovered separately. Officers say they found a 19-year-old woman at the scene of the crash around 2:30 a.m., where she was pronounced dead. About 15 minutes after finding her, the NYPD received a report of a young man walking into Flushing Hospital with injuries from the same accident. The victim, a 15-year-old boy, died a short time later.

    Early findings in the police investigation reveal that the moped had backend damage. Police are working to determine whether they were struck by another vehicle.

    The relationship between the two victims is unclear at the moment.

    ALSO READ: Grandmother gets canceled COVID cruise refund after 4 years | 7 On Your Side

    Nina Pineda and 7 On Your Side help a grandmother get a refund after her cruise was canceled in 2020 due to COVID.

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    WABC

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  • Girl, 11, dies after vehicle crashes into tree in California. 5 other young teens were injured

    Girl, 11, dies after vehicle crashes into tree in California. 5 other young teens were injured

    SAN FRANCISCO (AP) — A vehicle carrying an 11-year-old girl and five young teenagers crashed into a tree in Northern California on Sunday, killing the 11-year-old and leaving the others injured, authorities said.

    Four girls between the ages of 13 and 15 and a boy, 13, were taken to hospitals for what appeared to be non-life-threatening injuries, the Stockton Police Department said in a statement. Stockton is about 85 miles (135 kilometers) east of San Francisco.

    The 11-year-old died at a hospital, police said.

    It’s not clear who was behind the wheel at the time of the crash just before 8 a.m., police spokesperson Officer Omer Edhah told ABC10. He called the crash alarming and disturbing.

    “And our message out to the community is be mindful where your children are, be aware of where your car keys are, be mindful of who you give your keys to and just kind of be aware all around,” he said.

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  • I’m Raising Girls Who Are “Includers” Instead of “Mean Girls”

    I’m Raising Girls Who Are “Includers” Instead of “Mean Girls”

    I remember walking into the cafeteria of my new school, and it was like someone punched me in the stomach. I was in sixth grade. My family had just moved from Virginia to Ohio. At first, I attended the local Catholic school. Within the first two months, I was begging my parents to go to the public school because the girls were so mean to me. And when I look back, wow, were they cruel.

    My maiden name is Ackerman. They’d call me “Lisa Acneman” as sixth grade brought with it oily skin and some breakouts. When my parents decided that I would change schools, I felt relieved. Off to public school I went. But soon I found out that it didn’t matter whether I went to parochial or public school: girls were still mean.

    Instantly, a group of girls took me in

    They invited me to sit at their lunch table. Little did I know that they had kicked another girl off the table so I could sit with them. I was so grateful to have friends, but I was a bit naïve. Maybe that’s because I grew up in a home where we all supported each other and my assumption going “out into the world” was that everyone was like that, too.

    Then one day I walked into the cafeteria, and I nearly dropped my brown paper lunch bag. I looked at the table where I had been sitting for the past week, my first week at school. I counted the number of girls at the table—eight. Eight was the maximum number of people who could sit at one table. The two girls who were the “leaders” looked at me, whispered to the other girls at the table, and everyone turned to look at me and laugh.

    My heart sank. I went up to the table and feebly asked, “Is there space for me here?” hoping maybe I was wrong or that it wasn’t as it seemed. I couldn’t feel my feet beneath me. I felt dizzy.

    I can’t remember what they said, but I must have gotten the picture because I remember turning and quickly looking around for a new place to sit. It was a small cafeteria so someone would notice me standing all alone soon. I didn’t want anyone to look at me. My ears were ringing, my hands were clammy, and my heart was beating out of my chest. I felt the eight girls’ snickering whispers like daggers in my back. There was no physical fight or blowup so the teachers on lunch duty were none the wiser.

    I saw a table with no one at it. So, I sat down. I wanted to cry. But I didn’t.

    I sat alone for two months

    Eventually, I sat with a new group of people. For the next two years that we lived in Ohio, I had some good experiences—I even have a friend from that time who is still one of my best friends. But the two girls who banished me from the lunch table continued to be bullies. Yes, that’s what I can call them now as a psychotherapist and adult who understands what was really going on. They were the kind of “friends” who would invite you over and you’d feel like, “Oh, good! We are friends again!” only to have them negatively talk about you or put you down.

    We all have had experiences like this

    Just the other day, another mom friend of mine told me that she waved to two moms talking and they looked at her and laughed. It happens in childhood. It can also happen between adult women.

    As a psychotherapist, I intimately know that when someone hurts others it’s because they are hurting. I have counseled both the bully and the one being bullied.

    I know, too, from counseling parents how, when our children’s lives eclipse our own, we remember (consciously or unconsciously in our body’s cellular memory) our own experiences of hurt, rejection, and betrayal. And those old experiences, though healed, come back up and make us tender.

    I had an opportunity recently to feel such tenderness. I’ll share that story in a moment.
    But first, I want to share this—the triumph. What came out of my experiences with “mean girls”?

    I became an “includer”

    After these heartbreaking experiences, I became someone who sees the outsider and looks to include them. I became someone who is good at bringing people in and making them feel like they matter and are a part of things.

    I learned through years and years of mindfulness and compassion practices how to create space to “include everything” and how to abide with whatever is arising—even the nasty, hard-to-look-at, shameful parts of myself. I practiced forgiveness.

    Those two bullies? I forgave them, even though they didn’t ask for my forgiveness. Other people who have hurt me? Other people I have hurt? I’m working on receiving forgiveness and extending forgiveness to them, too. Nothing and no one is excluded from forgiveness. Everything and everyone is included.

    I became an “includer” in my work

    As a psychotherapist and coach with individuals and groups, I can hold space for someone and help them learn how to include it all—to hold the parts of themselves they might have abandoned, ignored, tried to keep quiet, or kicked to the curb. I can abide with a client as they learn that excluding anything creates more suffering.

    I became an “includer” in my family

    As parents, Brian and I model compassion and empathy to our children. We try to create “abiding space” for our children to mindfully name and express whatever is happening within them. On the good days, I can say, “I’ll abide with you. I’ll be with you in this.” And, of course, there are days when I am short-fused and I snap at them. Then, we begin again. We come back together and include even those less-than-perfect moments in our human and imperfect way of being family.

    Our family has become “includers”

    We are about community and creating space—in our home, in our lives, in our hearts—for adults and children to feel loved and included just as they are.

    Through gentleness, compassion, and mindful attention, these early experiences of rejection, betrayal, and hurt transformed me. Through loving attention, through learning to include it all with mindfulness and compassion, I—along with lots of grace—transformed these hurtful experiences into compassionate, inclusive arms to hold, words to speak, hands to give, and presence to offer.

    They continue to make me tender. And that’s good—even holy—because they open me to see the hurt in others and be tender with them. It offers an opportunity for deepening my practice of mindfulness and compassion—for opening my heart even wider.

    Like recently when my daughter came home from pre-k and told me, yet again, about an experience at school with a little girl. My daughter is four.

    The details aren’t mine to share, but hearing about my daughter’s experience broke my heart. I talked with a few other moms about it, and God am I grateful to be alongside moms who are also “includers”—both within our circle of mom friends and in the lives of our children. I talked with my husband. And, most importantly, I talked with my daughter.

    When my daughter—your daughter—is looking back on her childhood, she will tell her own story and I hope it will be one of how we walked alongside our girls. How we empowered them.

    I hope all of our girls will someday share stories like:

    —“My parents would advocate for and alongside me in situations that required adult intervention. They wouldn’t act out of fear or anger. They would wait and discern and pray and watch.”
    —“I learned ways of working through difficulties with other girls and women in ways that honor and regard each girl and woman’s body, feelings, experiences, and needs.”
    —“I learned to find my tribe of women. I learned to ask for help. I learned to be with others who uplift and honor each other.”
    —“I learned to speak up. I learned to speak up for myself and for others in the face of injustice – on the playground, in the hallways between classes in middle school, or in international peace negotiations.”
    —“I learned to be an includer. I learned to mindfully abide with whatever I am experiencing within my own inner landscape. And from such a place of inclusion, I learned to include and walk beside others.”

    In my experience of meditation, compassion, and mindfulness, nothing can be excluded. Exclusion creates suffering. Inclusion facilitates healing. It’s the path to true freedom.

    This is what I am modeling for my daughter

    I know you want to model this to your daughter, too. You are the sacred space for your daughter. And I know you are doing the best you can.

    This is how we heal the “mean girls” culture: we hold, we include, we love, we empower, and we regard our girls. And we model this in how we treat other women.

    If you are a parent to a daughter, no matter the age, can you imagine your daughter telling such a story? Can you imagine creating the space for her to share, to abide with her, and to empower her? Can you imagine raising girls who “include”?

    Can you imagine all modeling how to be an “includer”? And resolving conflicts, hurts, or insecurities with regard and compassion?

    Can you imagine how this would impact our world if we raise daughters who know how to name what is happening within them and a situation? Who know how to speak up in the face of injustice? Who believe in their innate goodness? And who include rather than exclude because they have an inner confidence and have been raised to listen to the wisdom of their inner voice?

    We have to imagine it and create it—for all of us women, for our daughters, and for our world.

    Lisa is self-publishing her first book, Gems of Delight: seasonal inspirations for moms to heal the hurry and embrace what is sacred. This article was originally published on Motherly and edited with permission from the author.

    The Marriage Minute is an email newsletter from The Gottman Institute that will improve your marriage in 60 seconds or less. Over 50 years of research with thousands of couples has proven a simple fact: small things often can create big changes over time. Got a minute? Sign up below.

    Lisa McCrohan

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  • Mississippi poultry plant settles with OSHA after teen’s 2023 death

    Mississippi poultry plant settles with OSHA after teen’s 2023 death

    HATTIESBURG, Miss. (AP) — A Mississippi poultry processing plant has agreed to a settlement with the U.S. Department of Labor that requires it to pay $164,814 in fines and put in place enhanced safety measures following the death of a 16-year-old boy at the facility.

    The agreement, announced Friday in a news release, comes after an investigation of Mar-Jac Poultry by the department’s Occupational Safety and Health Administration into the death of an underaged worker who was pulled into a machine as they cleaned it July 14, 2023.

    “Tragically, a teenage boy died needlessly before Mar-Jac Poultry took required steps to protect its workers,” said OSHA Regional Administrator Kurt Petermeyer in Atlanta. “This settlement demands the company commit to a safer workplace environment and take tangible actions to protect their employees from well-known hazards. Enhanced supervision and increased training can go a long way toward minimizing risks faced by workers in meat processing facilities.”

    “Mar-Jac was aware of these safety problems for years and had been warned and fined by OSHA, yet did nothing. Hopefully, Mar-Jac will follow through this time so that no other worker is killed in such a senseless manner,” Jim Reeves, an attorney for the victim’s family, told WHLT-TV.

    The victim’s family sued Mar-Jac Poultry MS, LLC, and Onin Staffing earlier this year. The lawsuit alleges that Perez was killed due to Mar-Jac ignoring safety regulations and not turning off machinery during sanitation. The suit also claims Onin Staffing was negligent in illegally assigning the 16-year-old to work at the plant.

    Headquartered in Gainesville, Georgia, Mar-Jac Poultry has raised live birds for poultry production since 1954 at facilities in Alabama, Georgia and Mississippi for food service customers in the U.S and abroad, the DOL’s news release said.

    A telephone call Friday to the company seeking comment about the settlement was not answered.

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  • Mindful Parenting: How to Raise Kind and Conscious Teens

    Mindful Parenting: How to Raise Kind and Conscious Teens

    Parents can often find themselves more distracted by their devices than their teens. This is especially true during the slow moments throughout the day. Slow moments are those moments where you can be with your thoughts and feelings. During these times, you may be tempted to pull out your phone to check email, read the news, or scroll through your Facebook feed.

    By habitually reaching for devices during these moments of solitude, you miss out on valuable opportunities to know yourself better. You are also a model for your teen’s relationship with technology.

    So what can you do?

    Small changes towards being more mindful of your relationship with technology can improve the satisfaction and quality of your life as well as the life of your teen.

    Being mindful can be as simple as focusing on your breath, noticing the sounds, smells, or what is going on in your body. Being mindful allows you to more clearly see the world around you, reduce stress levels, and develop resilience to life’s difficult moments. By practicing mindfulness, you become better Digital Mentors, modeling for kids how to give space to your inner experience. That ultimately leads to healthier relationships with others.

    The satisfactions of solitude

    First, it’s important to remember that we are all in this together. We live in a culture where a veil of productivity and successful “multitasking” is celebrated, and the draw of social connection through texting and online is hard to ignore.

    As Markham Heid explains in his article for TIME, “Combine the sudden beep with the implicit promise of new social info, and you have a near-perfect, ignorable stimulus that will pull your focus away from whatever task your brain is working on.”

    But in this attention economy, it is important to take time to slow down and be present with our own thoughts, without reaching for the distraction of technology. MIT researcher Sherry Turkle says that these moments of solitude allow us to know ourselves better, which is an important part of having fulfilling relationships with others. In “Reclaiming Conversation: The Power of Talk in a Digital Age” she says, “If we don’t have experience with solitude – and this is often the case today – we start to equate loneliness and solitude. This reflects the impoverishment of our experience. If we don’t know the satisfactions of solitude, we only know the panic of loneliness.”

    In today’s hyperconnected world, Turkle says if we don’t teach our children how to be comfortable being alone, they will learn to be lonely and rely on the distraction of technology. Part of your role as an Emotion Coach and Digital Mentor is to model the importance of slow moments and to create space for difficult or uncomfortable emotions.

    Experiencing your emotions

    Sometimes uncomfortable emotions will rise to the surface in these moments of solitude. Reaching for devices when these emotions come up prevents you from experiencing the richness of the full human experience.

    Brene Brown says the degree to which one is willing to feel difficult emotions is the degree to which one will experience happiness. If you prevent yourself from feeling down, you can also block yourself from feeling the delight of joy.

    The act of noticing and embracing these small moments of emotions rather than giving in to the distraction enables you to know yourself better. Experiencing the range of emotions teaches you that you can self-soothe and that you are truly resilient.

    By embracing your own resilience, you can be role models for your teens to do the same. You can start by being mindful.

    What is mindfulness?

    Simply put, mindfulness is the act of noticing your body, your thoughts, and your surroundings. Mindfulness is often explained using the four foundations.

    1. Mindfulness of your body
    2. Mindfulness of your feelings
    3. Mindfulness of your consciousness
    4. Mindfulness of how your mind operates

    Mindfulness is about watching with curiosity about what’s going on inside of you. Below are three exercises to become more mindful.

    Counting and noting

    Find a comfortable spot and take 10 slow, deep breaths. Count each inhale and exhale. When you’ve reached 10, start again. Start by doing this for two minutes.

    Mental Noting is an exercise where you give a one-word label to the thought or emotion you experience. This can assist you in recognizing habitual thought patterns. For example, if you are anxious about work, the simple label of “worry” can help bring awareness to your thoughts and release some of the tension in your body. In moments when your kids are stressed or upset, try this strategy with them.

    Focus on the dishes

    Challenge yourself, even in small ways to concentrate on doing one task at a time. Buddhist teacher Gil Fronsdal said, “If you are walking to the bus, just walk to the bus. If you are doing the dishes, just do the dishes.” Practice being present in the moment and encourage your teen to do the same.

    Take a 5-minute break

    When you come home at the end of the day, take five minutes to just sit and unwind. Don’t check your email or your Instagram. Check in with yourself.

    Parents are more capable of navigating difficult conversations when they are in touch with themselves. If you don’t take time to decompress, you may reach for a device instead of engaging with your teen in a healthy way.

    At the core of being a Digital Mentor is acknowledging and validating your teen’s emotions, letting them know their feelings are valuable indicators of what is going on inside them. If your teen comes to you with difficult emotions, practice having a stress-reducing conversation with them. It is important to empathize with your teen and support them to find their own answers.

    With your new mindfulness practice, invite your teen to join you in new experiences. Try taking a different route to school with your teen, pause and notice the world around you, and ask your teen questions about what they are experiencing as they witness it. Take time to notice the leaves or look up at the clouds together.

    Mindfulness leads to noticing the world through a new lens – a lens that leads to meaningful relationships with others, yourself, and most importantly, your teen.

    Aziza Seykota

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