Tag: successful aging

We adore our grandchildren. We share photos and tout their accomplishments. These may include some of their many “firsts,” such as their first tooth, their first day at school or making the team or the first ballet recital. It might be their first day of high school or moving into their college dorm. As little ones, we attach their drawings on our refrigerator and save their hand-made birthday cards. 

In 1979, President Jimmy Carter made sure that grandparents were honored and remembered by declaring the first Sunday after Labor Day as National Grandparents Day. This special day has three purposes: to honor grandparents, to give grandparents an opportunity to show love for their grandchildren and help children become aware of the strength, information and guidance older people can offer. 

In the U.S., roughly 70 million adults are grandparents. They are generous, spending $179 billion per year on their grandkids. 

If you wonder why we care so deeply for our grandchildren, it all began a million years ago in the plains of Africa, writes geriatrician Dr. William Thomas, the author of “What Are Old People For? How Elders Will Save the World.” “A mother gave birth to a hominid child after a long and exhausting labor. She barely had enough energy to nurse her baby and not enough energy to feed or care for her other children.” 

“A miracle occurred,” writes Thomas. “The maternal grandmother came to the rescue and intentionally shared her food with her grandchildren. It was a defining moment that created a new pattern of support that carried over to other families.” Humans are one of the species with grandparents who deliberately help raise their grandchildren. Orca whales and elephants do the same. 

This is relevant today as grandparents often are our unsung heroes. Almost one-third of grandparents live with their grandchildren under age 18 and are responsible for their care, according to U.S. census data. They often become primary caregivers because of their adult children’s divorce, drug addiction, teenage pregnancy and even death. 

I had the opportunity to speak with a few grandparents about the highlights of their grandparenthood. Here are some of their responses.

“I love being part of my boys’ lives in a way that was not possible for me raising my own children. That was when I had to balance my own work schedule with their schedules, when every minute was accounted for.” 

“I feel fortunate to have grandchildren. I just received a text from my 18-year-old grandson. ‘It’s time for us to do dinner together. I love you,’” he wrote. “That’s the best. My grandchildren make the world brighter and a more beautiful place.” 

“My grandchildren don’t live near me so every time we get together it’s a party. I was thrilled when my 18-year-old grandson in Italy was studying architecture. He had no idea that one of my careers was as a trained architect. It was a sudden joy. Now I have someone to give my architecture books.” 

Some mentioned the advantage of returning their beloved grandchildren back to their parents. But not all. 

“I love seeing my son in my granddaughters. It brings back memories of when my kids were little. It’s the joy of walking into a room and they are so excited to see you. You love them and then give them back to their parents.” 

“If they have a problem, I can step back. They just need to call me later and tell me they are OK. I don’t need to know about the ice pack, etc. I’ve done my job. Whatever they do, I don’t get myself in a dither.” 

“We are not responsible for their discipline. When they do crappy things, we can ignore it. I don’t worry about their manners or what they are wearing. We just have to love them unconditionally, even if they turn up with terrible clothes.” 

“I just love my interactions with them. My 10-year-old grandson interviewed me for a class project. And I talked baseball with my six-year-old grandson. He likes the Cubs; I like the Dodgers. Some grandparents want to give them back to their parents at the end of the day. Not me, I’ll take them and just want even more time with them.” 

Grandparents are an important influence – as guardians of family traditions, as a unique friend to grandchildren and as teachers and giver of gifts.

Let’s celebrate our beautiful treasures and savor our moments with them. 

Stay well everyone and know kindness is a way of life. 

Helen Dennis is a nationally recognized leader on issues of aging and the new retirement with academic, corporate and nonprofit experience. Contact Helen with your questions and comments at Helendenn@gmail.com. Visit Helen at HelenMdennis.com and follow her on facebook.com/SuccessfulAgingCommunity

Q. Next week, I will celebrate my 84th birthday. When did I get so old? Every time I turn around it’s Friday. Time seems to go by so quickly, the older I get. Is there a reason for this? Many thanks. D.L.

Many would agree with you. We often hear people asking, “Where has the time gone? It just seems like yesterday.” 

Can you remember sitting through a boring lecture? Five minutes may have felt like an hour. Or how about a boring sermon? That hour may have seemed like it was forever. Contrast that sense of time to being at a party. Time sprints by when having a good time, working on something you love and being engaged in new experiences. 

We know time does not slow down, it’s our perception of it that does. This is not a new concept. Psychologist William James wrote about the phenomenon of time perception in his Principles of Psychology in 1890. 

Here are some theories that affect our perception of time: 

Theory No. 1: Years are relatively smaller. As we age, each year is a smaller proportion of our time. For a 10-year-old, that birthday represents 1/10 of life which is a big portion. For an 80-year-old, University of Michigan psychology professor Cindy Lustig told the Huffington Post, that birthday is 1/80 of life which is a smaller portion that contributes to the feeling that it went by quickly. Each year feels shorter compared to the total time we have lived and therefore seems to go by faster. 

Theory No. 2: Theory of firsts. When we’re young, Diana Raab wrote in a Psychology Today piece, we encounter a lot of “firsts.” They might be our first kiss, our first love, getting our first car or the first day of college. It might be learning to swim or falling off a bike. We pay attention to the details of our unique and memorable experiences. The more details we can recall, the better we remember them. As we age, we have similar experiences over and over again, perceived time goes more quickly. 

Theory No. 3: Brain function. This helps explain the theory of firsts. Our brain lumps time together when the days or weeks are similar. So, for an 80-year-old who may be doing the same or similar things daily, time gets blended together in one’s mind, making it feel like it went by quickly. What seems new and exciting in a single day is what makes a day or month feel different, slowing our sense of time. (Note: Many 80-year-olds also experience new and familiar experiences daily). 

Theory No. 3a: More on brain function. Adrian Bejan, professor of mechanical engineering at Duke University, has a theory based on neural signal processing. With age, he notes the rate we process visual information slows down, contributing to our experience of time speeding up. In other words, “time does not go faster, we just go slower, cognitively speaking,” as quoted in a 2024 Huffington Post piece. 

So how to live a life where time moves more slowly?

• Fill your time with new experiences. It’s a way to counteract routine. A research study published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology found the perception of time is shorter when engaged in routine activities. So, accept challenges, learn new skills and ask questions. Just step outside the norm. 
• Make meaningful progress. Time passes quickly when we do not take action. Increasing productivity and making progress on projects and goals slows one’s perception of time and builds motivation. 
• Practice mindfulness. That means focusing on the present moment and being aware of what you are doing and where you are. It’s paying attention to details of an experience, incorporating all senses in the process. And make sure to take a few breaths. 
• Go outside to nature. Take time to observe the trees and clouds in the sky; listen to the birds and watch the dolphins and waves in the ocean. This magically slows down time and is calming, writes Raab in Psychology Today. 
• Take time for reflection. Consider journaling. This can be memories of one’s youth, a gratitude list or events of a vacation or just a day. One can also recall details of experiences and share them with others through conversation, photos or in writing.

So, yes, time seems to go by quickly with age. But that can change by filling our lives with new activities, learning something new, being reflective, enjoying nature and doing something that makes us feel useful and productive. Then we will not be going through the motions of life; rather we will savor our moments, days and months with satisfaction and pleasure. 

Thank you, D.L., happy birthday and thank you for your good question. Time is our gift. Let’s use it well. And let’s all make kindness the norm. 

Helen Dennis is a nationally recognized leader on issues of aging and the new retirement with academic, corporate and nonprofit experience. Contact Helen with your questions and comments at Helendenn@gmail.com. Visit Helen at HelenMdennis.com and follow her on facebook.com/SuccessfulAgingCommunity

Q. My daughter visits once or twice a year from her home, which is hundreds of miles away from where I live. She told me I must stop driving, should have a college student live with me and hire someone to clean my house, delivering these admonishments very firmly. I subsequently passed my driving test, cleaned my house successfully and have neighbors and friends who are there when I need help. This conversation has created a rift. Please address a column about family members making assumptions about older persons whom they seldom see. C.R.

Perceptions matter. Let’s first try to understand your daughter’s perspective.

Think about how older adults are portrayed in our society and our perception of aging. In a recent column, I mentioned Becca Levy, Yale Professor of Epidemiology who asked people to think of five words to describe older persons. In the U.S., the most common answer was “memory loss.” In China, it was “wisdom.” The US response was one of a deficit, rather than one of strength. 

Your daughter’s response may be influenced by our youth-oriented culture with images of aging showing primarily declines and disabilities. Furthermore, her concern may be one of safety knowing that age is a risk factor for falls, car accidents and health vulnerabilities. As well, I take your word that you’re in fine fettle, but it’s not uncommon for individuals to downplay health challenges.

Here’s the rub. Everyone ages differently. Age is a poor predictor of individual competencies and functioning. For example, we know older adults have an increased risk of falling, but each adult differs in strength, reaction time, vision and living circumstances. Although trends count, they do not necessarily apply to each individual. 

Adult children are known to overestimate older parents’ problems as noted in the Journal of Adult Development. Adult children evaluated their parents and reported more disabilities and life problems than their parents. This overestimation occurred more often when the adult children communicated by phone and less when they communicated in person. Clearly, it’s the first-hand knowledge that counts. 

Your daughter may be considered a helicopter adult child. The term “helicopter” has been used by parents of teenage children as the parents hover over them, counter to their responsibility to raise a child to independence. Both teenagers and older adults share the value of independence. 

As a point of interest, some parents have not outgrown this protective role. In one study of 800 employers, one out of five recent college graduates brought a parent with them for a job interview. That doesn’t sound like fostering independence.

I would like to share a personal story of a well-intended adult daughter who hovered for good reason.

Here is what happened: I left my daughter’s home and let her know I was driving directly to my home. After about 15 minutes, my daughter texted me, called my office phone, home phone and cell phone with no answer. Receiving no response, she became worried and called my friends asking, “Have you seen my mother?” 

An all-points bulletin went out asking if anyone had heard from Helen. Needless to say, this caused a stir. Out of fear and desperation, my daughter drove to my home and found my car in the driveway. She was sure I was horizontal on the kitchen floor. As she looked across the street, she saw her mother attending a neighbor’s party held in his garage with Yours Truly laughing and munching on hors d’oeuvres.

My daughter was relieved but with a request: Always call me as soon as you get home. I share this story because I was responsible for this misunderstanding – saying one thing and doing another without thinking about the effect on my daughter. So, we parents can have a role to play.

Now let’s get back to your daughter. So much depends on relationships and perception. To influence your daughter’s perception, she likely needs more information, assuming she is open to it. Perhaps a starting point is to have a conversation. Here are a few suggestions for that chat. 

• “I appreciate your concern. What worries you most about me?” 
• “I would like to share with you how I am able to take care of myself.” 
• “Let’s talk about the best way to keep in touch.” 
• “Should we set a certain time to connect?”
• “And how often should we chat?”
• “Are you comfortable using technology such as Skype, Zoom, or the telephone?” 

Thank you, C.R., for your good question. And kudos on passing your driving test. Best wishes in continuing to live the life you want to lead. And know that small acts of kindness can change the world. 

Helen Dennis is a nationally recognized leader on issues of aging and the new retirement with academic, corporate and nonprofit experience. Contact Helen with your questions and comments at Helendenn@gmail.com. Visit Helen at HelenMdennis.com and follow her on facebook.com/SuccessfulAgingCommunity