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  • How to Maintain Balance in Your Marriage

    How to Maintain Balance in Your Marriage

    A healthy marriage is based on genuine love, honesty, trust, and respect. If you want to establish a fun-filled, stress-free relationship, it is critical to have a balance in marriage. Early in a marriage, the couple is typically madly in love and investing everything into the union. But as you interact with the same individual every day, in both good and bad times, things may get much more challenging. As a matter of fact, it doesn’t take long for one spouse to grow overburdened and bored. 

    To be honest, a romantic marriage goes beyond the customary mushiness, dinner dates, and movie dates. If you’ve been married long enough, you probably already know that a genuine relationship starts when the honeymoon is over.

    What Causes an Imbalance in Your Marriage?

    When you’ve been married for a while, your connection with your spouse may begin to feel stale and boring. You may even experience circumstances that give you the impression that your relationship is deteriorating and that you are gradually drifting apart.

    This is a warning sign that you must take prompt action and restore harmony to your union. Constant conflicts are the most common cause of marital imbalance, so it’s crucial to recognize where marriage conflicts stem from: 

    1. Minor or major conflicts

    Different factors could stir conflicts in your marriage. But whatever happens, you both must understand you sometimes might not be able to change your partner. 

    And to let peace reign in the relationship, you must put more effort into improving yourself than your partner. Ephesians 5:33 says, “Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself, and the wife see that she reverence her husband.”

    You should respect the fact that you and your spouse are different from each other. Also, learn to accept that your partner might have certain qualities and personality features that cannot be changed. Disagreements are normal in marriage, and you must learn how to deal with them in constructive ways. 

    (Keep in mind that building a bridge by saying cruel things to your spouse that you can’t take back is not a good idea.) 

    2. Ineffective communication

    Improved problem-solving abilities result from healthy communication, and this positively impacts marriages. 

    Work-related pressures can also have a significant impact on marital communication, as stressed-out partners tend to be more reclusive, angry, or hostile toward one another during the workday and less hostile at home on the weekends.

    As Christians, we must develop healthy communication skills with our spouses because if we do not develop effective communication skills or adopt healthy coping mechanisms, marital stress can negatively impact our children’s lives.

    3. Other factors

    Marriages are also significantly harmed by other stressors, including denial, avoidance, sadness, self-blame, negative self-verbalization, withdrawal, and more severe stressors, including drug misuse and violence. Other stressors common to daily life, such as illness, job loss, children, and other factors, also negatively impact marriages and can significantly change the quality of your marriage.

    How to Restore or Bring Balance to Your Marriage

    The secret to having a successful relationship where both partners feel at ease, supported, and respected is understanding how to maintain balance in the marriage. So, how do you restore balance to a failing relationship or bring balance to your marriage? You should take into account the following crucial concepts to keep your marriage in balance:

    1. Make your relationship more trustworthy

    You must be trustworthy and have faith in your spouse if you want to keep a relationship in balance. 

    If you have experienced betrayal in the past, it can be challenging to trust. But if you want balance in your marriage, you can’t take it out on your spouse who had no part in the betrayal. Try to be dependable by sticking to your word to establish trust in your marriage. One of the essential elements in developing trust in a relationship is honesty. When the situation calls for it, make an effort to be honest with your partner. 

    Nothing kills trust like a little white lie. Avoid it! It is difficult for your spouse to trust you again after you are exposed as a liar.

    2. Consider the privacy of your relationship

    Remember that your spouse had a life before you met them, and it will continue after you go. Recognize and respect your partner’s boundaries. Be careful not to invade their personal space. Also, acknowledge that your partner has personal needs and is a human being just like you.

    You don’t have to want to spend every minute of every day with your spouse. Sometimes they need to set their focus on other significant areas of their lives. Giving your partner a personal space is not disrespectful; they will value you more if you respect their privacy.

    3. Acknowledge conflicts

    A healthy marriage has both enjoyable and contentious times. It’s not a picture-perfect world where everything is ideal. Instead, it involves two different people, each with their own personality and actions. Recognize that your partner is different from you. As a result, you will occasionally have misunderstandings. But that doesn’t mean you two can’t get along. You need to communicate your pain points or displeasure with one another in a healthy way. Accept your differences. Understand one another’s viewpoints and respectfully disagree while never criticizing your partner’s flaws.

    Let love lead in your marriage. 1 Corinthians 13:4-5 “Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil.”

    Conflicts are a natural part of a healthy relationship, and they can even help it grow. But you must approach them wisely and exercise tolerance and patience.

    4. Healthy Communication

    Healthy and constant communication is crucial in building a healthy relationship. It enables deeper connections between individuals. No matter what, the couple must be able to communicate their sentiments to one another and attend to both their individual demands and their relationship needs. A marriage that is out of balance has inadequate communication, and the integrity of the relationship will be jeopardized if one party feels ignored. 

    It’s best to establish a strong connection with your partner and openly express yourself to them (1 Peter 3:1-9).

    Be honest and upfront about your emotions, and they must also pay complete attention to you. Having someone to share your life with is the main goal of a healthy marriage, so don’t be hesitant to show your partner your vulnerability. 

    5. Commit, compromise but don’t make many concessions

    Giving your all for the benefit of your relationship and your partner is admirable. It strengthens your bond and facilitates emotional reconnection with your spouse. But making too many concessions can destroy you, as your attention is eventually diverted from your personal needs and wants. Spending too much time with your spouse can make it difficult for you to take care of other essential things in your marriage or at home. When this happens, it is no longer a commitment but an unhealthy compromise. 

    Note that a healthy compromise does not negatively impact other significant aspects of your life or relationship.

    Saving money to see your significant other when you could spend it drinking at the bar is a healthy compromise. Being attentive to your partner is also essential, but it doesn’t have to be a hassle. 

    You develop an unbalanced connection the instant your mental well-being is stressed by your sacrifices.

    6. Honor your spouse’s preferences

    A powerful method to establish a balanced marriage is to respect your spouse’s decisions and preferences. 

    There will be times when your partner will make choices that you do not agree with. The wisest course of action is to accept it without fuss.

    Sometimes you can’t stop them from making bad choices. Although it can be hard to stand back and watch when you have the power to prevent your partner from making bad choices. The truth is, if they don’t want your assistance, you won’t be able to accomplish much. So, all you can do is give them some advice and let them decide for themselves. Be your partner’s refuge when everything around them turns against them. It is best to work together to come up with solutions rather than judge them.

    7. Avoid relying too much on your spouse

    Limiting your reliance on your spouse is another way to maintain balance in your marriage. It’s okay to solicit assistance from one another, and it is absolutely fine to discuss your problems with your partner and seek their advice on any matter. However, it is best not to rely solely on your spouse because they can become overburdened and believe you are incapable of supporting yourself. And this can be detrimental to your relationship because it gives them a chance to take advantage of you. 

    8. Stay true to who you are

    It is common for individuals in unbalanced marriages to keep their true selves hidden from one another. You should express your true self honestly and be genuine about it. Don’t fake it because you obviously won’t be able to keep it up for so long. And in the end, you will hurt your partner and the marriage when they eventually realize your true nature. 

    Keeping balance in your marriage requires that you respect, love, and be fully committed to your spouse. Ephesians 5:22-25 “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her.”

    Prioritize honesty, trust, and healthy communication with your spouse.

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/Ridofranz

    Emmanuel Abimbola is a creative freelance writer, blogger, and web designer. He is a devout Christian with an uncompromising faith who hails from Ondo State in Nigeria, West Africa. As a lover of kids, Emmanuel runs a small elementary school in Arigidi, Nigeria.

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  • 5 Bits of Encouragement for the Overlooked

    5 Bits of Encouragement for the Overlooked

    We were born to live in a community, riding the ups and downs together. No one likes to be overlooked; even the most introverted person residing off the grid, one sitting in sweats and reading a book, needs human connection. When others fail to notice us, it can emotionally deplete us. It can cause us to withdraw and retreat, especially when we feel the offense is intentional.

    When I mentioned that I was writing this article to my husband, he looked at me wide-eyed and asked if I felt overlooked. “Do you feel overlooked by me?” he asked. My response, combined with a typical southern woman’s mean mug, was, “No. It is not always about you.” We’ve been married seventeen years, y’all. What can I say? I went on to explain that several times in my life, I’ve felt unseen, overlooked, or passed over in different relational areas. Some instances have seemed intentional, while others are just part of life.

    The beautiful thing about life’s trials is that they drive compassion deep into your blood. And although you can never step in the shoes of someone else’s challenging experiences, your heart can bleed with them. You can embrace them warmly, sit with them, and listen. It gives you a different perspective, a more down-on-your-knees, humble level.

    Whether you have been overlooked in friendships, relationships, sports, careers, or especially by the church, rest in the fact that you are never ignored by Jesus. Friend, I know we aren’t sitting on the same couch, but consider this my giant teddy bear hug for you. I may not be able to see you, but I know the One who does, and I pray these bits of encouragement give you restored hope.

    1. God Sees You When No One Else Does

    Among the many names of God that describe His perfect character, I find El Roi to be one of the most comforting. It means “The God who sees me” (Genesis 16:13). While you may feel invisible, know that God sees you. Hagar was the woman in the Bible who attributed this name to God, and she is the only character in the Bible to name God. She was pregnant and alone in the wilderness, running from Sarah’s cruelty and jealousy when the angel of the Lord visited her (Genesis 16). Friend, there is no place on earth you can ever run from God’s compassionate presence.

    2. God Hears You When No One Else Does

    I love how the Bible uses different names to explain the perfect harmony of God’s character and gives meaning to most biblical characters’ names. An article on Faith Gateway explains the significance of biblical characters’ names. “Many biblical accounts explain the meaning of a person’s name, and those names were significant to who those individuals were or who they were to become. In Jewish tradition, a child’s name was revealed in the same ceremony in which they were circumcised, a sign of the covenant.”

    Continuing with the story of Hagar, the angel of the Lord says in Genesis 16:10 that the Lord will increase her descendants so much they will be too numerous to count. “The angel of the Lord also said to her: ‘You are now pregnant, and you will give birth to a son. You shall name him Ishmael, for the Lord has heard of your misery’” (Genesis 16:11).

    When we put the story together with the meaning of the characters’ names, it paints the most beautiful picture for those of us who have felt neglected or abused. God takes this enslaved Egyptian, whose name means “forsaken,” and gives her a massive lineage through her son, Ishmael, whose name means “God hears.” Sister, God sees you, hears you, and knows the number of hairs on your head (Luke 12:7).

    3. God Loves You Always

    My prayer journal contains a box that says, “Lord teach me to….” I often ask the Lord to teach me to love unconditionally. Some days it is hard to love without conditions or judgments, especially when hurt, but I try my best. I inevitably fail at times, but I pray again and start over the next day. We are all a work in progress, but God is always the same (Hebrews 13:8). His love for us and our love for him is termed agape in Greek and is the highest form of love.  

    Knowing that God never changes and God is love (1 John 4:7-8), we can concur that God will always love His children even though we don’t deserve it. After all, God sent His only Son to pay the price for our sins because He loves us so much that He wants to spend eternity with us.

    “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” (John 3:16, NIV)  

    4. God Always Has a Perfect Purpose for You

    The most notable story in the Bible of someone who is overlooked is King David. As kids, we hear the highlight reels of David’s life—like when David defeated Goliath with only a rock and a sling. But before becoming king, David started as a young shepherd boy. His dad, Jesse, didn’t remember to call him to the line-up when Samuel came to anoint David as king. Talk about overlooked! Yet, God set apart this lowly shepherd boy for a great purpose. While we may not be destined for earthly royalty or fame, God hand-picked us to fulfill a unique role in His kingdom.

    5. God Wants to Hear from You

    I’ve been passed over for jobs and writing opportunities throughout my life. I’ve been overlooked by peers, boys, and the church. When I was younger, these occurrences would rip my heart out. As I’ve matured, I’ve realized God often opens and closes doors because He has something better in store or is protecting me from harm. Not to say it doesn’t bring about distress and discouragement anymore, but I’ve grown to trust in His plan even when I don’t understand (Proverbs 3:5-6).

    On some of those loneliest days and nights, God was the only One I knew could hear and wanted to hear from me. And we would talk. Sometimes, He would answer with an overwhelming feeling of peace to get me through the next day. Some prayers have gone unanswered still, and some were responded to many years later. But there is a prayer He answered with a phone call right after the “Amen” rolled off my tongue:

    It was New Year’s Eve, and I was a sixteen-year-old who felt invisible to boys. Alone in my room, crying and depressed, I asked God to send me my soul mate. Two seconds later, the phone rang, and a boy I had been crushing on said, “Hello,” and invited me to a party. At that party, I met a new boy who made me forget about my crush who called me. We’ve been together twenty-three years this New Year’s Eve, and I never felt overlooked by him.

    Friend, prayer is not always answered instantaneously or as we wish, but His plans are only in place to prosper you. So keep talking to the One who sees and hears you.

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/fizkes

    Darcie Fuqua is a Business Analyst, Auburn Grad (War Eagle!), Christian blogger & podcast host, and mental health advocate. She is from the deep south of Alabama, where she currently resides with her husband, two energetic fun-loving boys, and a dog named Charlie. She loves sinking her toes in the sand, cuddling with her boys, and having great conversations over a table of good food. You can read more of her writing on her website www.leightonlane.com and connect with her on Facebook and Instagram. Check out Darcie’s latest project as cohost of Therapy in 10.

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  • 7 Prayers That Changed My Heart for My Husband

    7 Prayers That Changed My Heart for My Husband

    I’ve known my husband thirty-three years. We dated on and off four of those years, starting my sophomore year of high school and going into college. We were engaged less than a year. We’ve been married for over twenty-eight. Add in three kids, a zoo of pets, a few major moves, and a son who’s battled cancer twice, we’ve been navigating life together for what feels like a very long time. And most of it’s been rough.  

    During those early sporadic dating years, we always at least remained close friends. When we got back together the final time, my husband told me he’d compared everyone he’d ever dated to me, but none of them came close. It was me he’d been looking for the whole time. Me he loved. Me he wanted forever with.

    I can hear your collective “awww’s.” Because it sounds sweet and perfect and romantic, right?

    Not if you saw the other side of the picture. That would be my side. During the time we were building a relationship, my parent’s relationship was crumbling, half a brick by half a brick. A slow, ugly death that involved countless lies and another woman.

    When I met my husband, I had a father. When I married my husband, I did not. Not only did my dad check out on a quarter of a century with my mom, he completely abandoned me after nineteen years of what I thought had been a wonderful childhood.  

    To say I was a mess doesn’t begin to describe the aftermath of their divorce. How could someone who says they love you . . . leave you?

    On my wedding day, my husband walked down the aisle because he loved me. I walked down the aisle because I was desperate for love.

    I’m sure you can see the problem. I couldn’t. And it showed in the same fights we had over and over. Thirteen years and three kids in, I had a choice. Stay with this guy I’d “gotten stuck with” or abandon my family the way my dad did. No, I’d never leave my kids, but without their dad, they wouldn’t be the same. They’d lose the security I’d been so desperate to find.

    I stayed because it was the right thing to do. But I wanted more than the mess of a marriage I’d helped make. Something had to change. I needed glue to keep my husband and I together. That glue turned out to be God. He is truly a redeemer.

    I began praying for my husband fourteen years ago. I wish I would’ve prayed the other fourteen. The road would’ve looked so different. I would’ve been grateful instead of resentful of the man God gave me.

    It took me half my marriage to realize what I’d had all along. I couldn’t get past me. I couldn’t let past frustrations go. I couldn’t “see” my husband for who he really was. My dad kept getting in the way.

    Today, my husband is my favorite dinner date. My first-choice movie buddy. My preferred travel companion. My best friend. My refuge. My person. Sitting next to him calms me. Sharing life with him strengthens me.

    God did that. From the moment I stopped taking my frustrations out on my husband and started carrying them to God, He began to grow a love between us I never thought I’d have.

    Have you found the one whom your soul loves? Do you need to fall in love with your husband all over again? Or for the first time? Have you been married a day? A year? A quarter century? Now is the time to pray. Not sure where to start? Here’s what helps me.

    Download your own personal PDF copy of these beautiful prayers for your husband HERE. Print these to keep by your bedside, in the car, or at work to remind yourself of the power of praying over your loved one!

    1. Gratitude

    Lord, this first prayer isn’t really for my husband, it’s for me. I just want to thank You for giving him to me and me to him. You knew what You were doing all along. His traits that used to drive me crazy are now the strengths that fill in where I struggle. His traits that used to seem like weakness are now the places You’ve allowed me to shine. We complement each other. When I let You be the glue, we’re stronger together than we ever were apart. Thank you for putting my husband in my life.  

    2. Protect Our Bond

    You gave my husband and I to each other. You blessed our union. I know You want it to work even more than we do. Protect our bond. Keep my husband’s heart and eyes focused on me. Take away temptation. Stop anything thoughts that would lead him away. Put a wall around our relationship that keeps it just the three of us. With You in the middle, we can stand against anything. Thank you for the man You’re molding him to be.

    3. Be His Strength

    When my husband gets tired and beaten down, will You be his strength? Will you renew his spirit with your own? From the time he wakes up to the time he goes to sleep, give him what he needs to be the husband, father, employee, and friend You want him to be. If he feels like giving up, show him a reason to keep going. Bless Him every day and remind him he’s never alone.

    4. Be His First Love

    Jesus, I know that for my husband to love me, he first has to love You. Speak to his heart. Whisper to him in the moments that most matter. Show him he can trust You. Love on him so strongly he never has the need to look for another. Be his everything.

    5. Let Him See Me through Your Eyes

    Living with me isn’t always fun. Even in the best circumstances, nerves can get rubbed raw. I know I’m not the easiest person to be with. Give my husband Your heart when it comes to me. Let him see me the way you do. When he gets frustrated, saturate him in patience. Show him why I do or say the things I do. And then turn around and do the same for me.  

    6. Keep Him Safe

    Lord, I finally love this man you’ve given me the way I’m supposed to—with all my heart and soul. I want to do life with him, grow old with him, rock grandchildren with him. Bring him home to me every time he leaves. Walk ahead of him. Keep him safe—physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Take care of him.

    7. Bless His Job

    My husband works hard. The obligations must feel overwhelming. Protect his role as our provider. Our family needs his income and his benefits. And he needs to feel validated at work. Bless both those things. Give him a love for his job that only You can. Or find him a new job exactly where You want him to be. Lord, work is such a huge part of his life. Bless him while he’s there. The good he does carries farther than he’ll ever know. Help him see that he’s making a difference in so many lives.

    A final note: This article doesn’t address emotional or physical abuse in a marriage. It’s not meant to. Yes, prayer can change so much. But if you’re in a dangerous situation, please get help to put yourself in a safe place and find professional counseling that deals with these issues. God loves you so much even if it doesn’t feel like it right now, and I’m praying for you.

    Lori Freeland is an author, editor, writing coach, wife, mom, and creator of imaginary people—not necessarily in that order. An acquisitions editor for Armonia Publishing, former editor for The Christian Pulse, and regular contributor to Crosswalk.com, she writes fiction and non-fiction in several genres and has presented numerous writing workshops nationwide. When she’s not curled up with her husband drinking too much coffee and worrying about her kids, you can find her blogging at lafreeland.com.

    Photo Credit: ©Unsplash/Gus-Moretta

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  • How Is Your Connection with Jesus?

    How Is Your Connection with Jesus?

    My husband was in an automobile accident on August 25th this past year. He was coming to a stop at a red light when an intoxicated 18-year-old plowed into Dan and two other vehicles. My poor husband has had a migraine every day since that night. He recently had a facet procedure that would hopefully stop the migraines or lessen the pain. The doctors thought the procedure would provide significant relief in a day or two. It hasn’t. As a result, Dan is exhausted from a lack of sleep. I am unsure if I have seen him so worn out and tired.

    Have you ever felt that way? Powerless? Like you are unplugged from the source of your power? Jesus calls us to be connected with Him and with others. But that will only happen if we are plugged into the right source. We cannot obey the words of Jesus without a connection with Jesus.

    Think with me about all the complicated, almost impossible-to-do teachings of Jesus.

    -Love your neighbor – easy with some, hard with others.

    -Pray for those who hurt you.

    -Love your enemy.

    -Forgive those who hurt you.

    -Be at peace with everyone.

    -Turn the other cheek.

    And so many more. The words of Jesus sometimes seem undoable. But check this out. Jesus also said:

    Humanly speaking, it is impossible. But not with God. Everything is possible with God (Mark 10:27).

    The impossible becomes possible when we stay connected with Jesus. Those “impossible to keep” commandments of Jesus become possible when we stay connected to him. This connectedness is crucial to the life of a Christ follower. The Bible uses metaphors to help us see the reality of our relationship with Jesus. The primary metaphor of the Old Testament is the one with which the Jewish people of Jesus’ day would have been most familiar.

    I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener (John 15:1).

    Photo credit: ©Unsplash/Amos Bar-Zeev

    When Jesus said I am the true vine, his followers, who were well-versed in the Old Testament, would have perked up because that line, “I am the true vine,” is a quote lifted directly from Psalm 80, a psalm many of Jesus’ followers would have known by heart. This Psalm would have come to their minds because it is built around this vine metaphor.

    The Psalmist retells the story from the book of Exodus. He is talking about the nation of Israel and comparing them to a vine clipping taken from Egypt and planted in a new land.

    You transplanted a vine from Egypt; you drove out the nations and planted it. You cleared the ground for it, and it took root and filled the land (Psalm 80:8-9).

    God snipped Israel, the vine from Egypt, and planted them in a new fertile land so they could grow ripe fruit that all the world may taste. But the Psalmist later says that this vine died. Israel failed to give themselves to the one true God who saved them. They failed to be a people of justice and mercy, caring for strangers, foreigners, and the poor. As a result, they were unable to bear fruit for the world.

    Despite God’s generosity, patience, and care for his people, they did not yield the fruit he desired. And so, the Psalm says God decides to send one singular and obedient vine to them who would do what Israel, and what all humanity, could never do and, in doing so, restore and save us all.

    Here is what Psalm 80 goes on to say:

    Return to us, God Almighty!

    Look down from heaven and see!

    Watch over this vine,

    the root your right hand has planted,

    the son you have raised up for yourself.

    Your vine is cut down, it is burned with fire.

    At your rebuke, your people perish.

    Let your hand rest on the man at your right hand,

    the son of man you have raised up for yourself.

    Then we will not turn away from you.

    Revive us, and we will call on your name (Psalm 80:14-18).

    The hope, says the Psalmist, rests upon the son of man – on Jesus. Once he comes, the people will be made strong and faithful, and they will be saved through him and in him. They can call upon God’s name, meaning they can live in connection with him. So, when Jesus says, “I am the true vine,” he announces to his followers and all of us that he is the one God has sent. He is the true vine the Psalm is alluding to, the one who will come to save the whole world from evil, sin, and death. The one who will bring God’s Kingdom nearby. The one who will provide us with the opportunity to live in an ongoing loving connection to him is our creator forever.

    Jesus is the one who has come to give us freedom and peace, belonging and forgiveness, and love and kindness. He is the one who has come to rescue us from exhaustion, to lift the heavy burdens laid upon our shoulders and replace them instead with easy and light responsibilities that come from being in connection with God and living within his kingdom. Are you tired of being tired? Then put your trust in the true vine, Jesus, and receive the rest he has to give you and your soul. How does that work? Jesus describes it for us in John 15.

    I am the true grapevine, and my Father is the gardener. Abide in me, and I will abide in you. A branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful unless you remain in me. Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches.” Those who abide in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me, you can do nothing. But if you abide in me and my words abide in you, you may ask for anything you want, and it will be granted! When you produce much fruit, you are my true disciples. This brings great glory to my Father. I have loved you even as the Father has loved me. Remain in my love.” When you obey my commandments, you remain in my love, just as I obey my Father’s commandments and remain in his love. I have told you these things so that you will be filled with my joy. Yes, your joy will overflow!” (From John 15:1-11).

    Dan and I visited Napa Valley a few years ago. While there, I learned a lot about vineyards. The grapevine is actually the trunk of the vine that connects it to the ground. When the branches stay connected to the grapevine – the trunk – they produce fruit.

    Now back to the words of Jesus.

    Jesus says, “I am the vine – the trunk. You are the branches. If you stay connected to me, my life flows through you and produces fruit. If you do not stay connected to me, you wither and die and produce no fruit.”

    So how do we abide in Christ? How do we stay connected with Jesus? How do we remain in Him? 

    Check your connection.

    There is a big difference between trying to produce fruit – trying to do good – trying to follow the words of Jesus – and being connected with him. When we are connected to Him, his life flows through us, and his life in us produces fruit. Jesus calls this connection “abiding.”

    “Those who abide in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me, you can do nothing. But if you abide in me and my words abide in you, you may ask for anything you want, and it will be granted!” (From John 15:4-5).

    To abide is to reside, to stay and remain, which shows us that another aspect of abiding in Jesus is remaining in Jesus. This commitment to staying connected to Jesus means we trust, depend on, and never stop believing in him. To abide in Jesus is to persevere in Jesus and his teaching.

    The Shawnee campus of our church plant, Restore, is in the western portion of Shawnee, Kansas, located in the Mill Valley. Mill creek flows through this valley and eventually into the Kansas river. A mill operated for years on this creek in the days before electricity. When the water flow was high, the mill could operate. When it was low, the mill was useless. When I am abiding in Christ – getting my life through Him – constantly connected to Him – I can operate as a Christ follower and obey Jesus. But, when the connection is non-existent or sporadic, my obedience is also non-existent or sporadic.

    We must be plugged into Christ for His power to flow through us. Check your connection.

    Check your company.

    Abiding in Christ is absolutely a personal reality. Abiding in Christ is also a team sport. We must do life with other Christ followers who also abide in Christ. We must live with other Christ followers who are also connected to Jesus.

    Check out this picture of a healthy set of branches that are producing fruit. The healthiest branches grow in clusters. Unfortunately, these clusters are so dense that you cannot hack through them in the wild.

    We need other people who follow Christ, connected to Him. We are better together. Here is what Jesus says immediately following his words about abiding in Jesus Christ.

    This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you. There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends” (John 15:12-13).

    You cannot “love each other” if you are a solo branch. There are no other branches to love or serve.

    Following Christ is a team sport. It is an individual choice to join and stay on the team, but it is a group effort to play the game, and it definitely takes a team effort to win the game.

    Think of the time in your life when you felt the most connected to Christ. When did you feel the closest to Him? I am confident that more than the vast majority of us, it was a time when we were part of a group of people pursuing Christ together.

    Check your connection.

    Check your company.

    Check your condition.

    It is easy to tell if you are connected to Christ. Jesus tells us how to check our level of connection.

    “Those who abide in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit … When you obey my commandments, you remain in my love, just as I obey my Father’s commandments and remain in his love. I have told you these things so that you will be filled with my joy. Yes, your joy will overflow!” John 15:5, 10-11.

    Two specific fruits result from staying connected to Jesus,

    1. Connection produces obedience.

    When we are connected to Jesus, we will obey Him. We will do what He tells us to do. Sometimes obedience is simply choosing to do the right thing, even when it is hard. But obedience shifts as we walk with Christ and stay connected to Him. Obedience moves from something we should do to something we want to do.

    2. Connection produces joy.

    When branches produce fruit, they do what God designed them to do. When we stay connected to Jesus, we do what God created us to do, which brings us joy – the joy of the spirit of Jesus within us. Joy is the result of being fully connected with Jesus and others and having a deeply rooted confidence that God is in control.

    Check your fruit.

    Check your obedience.

    Check your joy.

    Final thoughts:

    Jesus is the true vine. Life flows from our connection with Him. Life flows from being connected to others connected to Him. Life flows into the fruit of obedience and joy when we are connected to Him.

    How is your connection with Jesus?

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/pcess609

    Mary Southerland is also the Co-founder of Girlfriends in God, a conference and devotion ministry for women. Mary’s books include, Hope in the Midst of Depression, Sandpaper People, Escaping the Stress Trap, Experiencing God’s Power in Your Ministry, 10-Day Trust Adventure, You Make Me So Angry, How to Study the Bible, Fit for Life, Joy for the Journey, and Life Is So Daily. Mary relishes her ministry as a wife, a mother to their two children, Jered and Danna, and Mimi to her six grandchildren – Jaydan, Lelia, Justus, Hudson, Mo, and Nori.

    Mary Southerland

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  • What Does the Bible Say about Fake Friends?

    What Does the Bible Say about Fake Friends?

    We all need friends since God has created us to be connected to others in caring relationships. But we also need to be careful about our friendships. The Bible warns that some people claim to be true friends but are really false friends who can do us more harm than good. What does the Bible say about fake friends? Discovering that is vital to enjoying healthy friendships.

    What Are Fake Friends/How to Identify Them

    Fake friends are people who seem at first to be friends, but then reveal that they’re too selfish and untrustworthy to be true friends. They may speak and act in caring ways at times, when doing so benefits them. However, when we ask them for something we need, we often find them running away from the friendship because they’re only concerned with their own needs. Fake friends are takers, not givers. They’re self-absorbed and lack the compassion to truly care about others. Fake friends also may deceive us intentionally in order to get something they want. They can manipulate us. They may flatter us not because they truly appreciate us, but because they want to convince us to do something for them, such as lending them money they don’t intend to pay back. They may betray us. When we tell them personal information, they may listen as if they care, then turn around and gossip about us to others because that brings them attention they crave. Finally, fake friends have a negative rather than a positive impact on our relationships with God. While true friends encourage us in our faith, fake friends are critical and discouraging. True friends lead us closer to God, while fake friends pull us farther away from God.

    What Does the Bible Say about Fake Friends?

    The Bible features many verses about fake friends, including these key verses:

    Proverbs 12:26: “The righteous choose their friends carefully, but the way of the wicked leads them astray.”

    Psalm 41:9: “Even my close friend, someone I trusted, has failed me. I even shared my bread with him.”

    Proverbs 13:20: “Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm.”

    1 Corinthians 15:33: “Do not be misled: ‘Bad company corrupts good character.’”

    Proverbs 3:32: “For the Lord detests the perverse but takes the upright into his confidence.”

    Jeremiah 9:4: “Be on guard against your friends. Do not trust the members of your own family. Every one of them cheats. Every friend tells lies.”

    Psalm 55:12-14: “If an enemy were making fun of me, I could stand it. If he were getting ready to oppose me, I could hide. But it’s you, someone like myself. It’s my companion, my close friend.

    We used to enjoy good friendship at the house of God. We used to walk together among those who came to worship.”

    1 John 4:7-8: “Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.”

    John 13:35: “By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

    Ecclesiastes 4:9-10: “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.”

    Proverbs 17:17: “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.”

    Romans 12:15: “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.”

    Proverbs 27:9: “Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of a friend springs from their heartfelt advice.”

    Proverbs 22:24-26: “Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person, do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn their ways and get yourself ensnared.”

    Proverbs 20:19: “A gossip betrays a confidence; so avoid anyone who talks too much.”

    Proverbs 16:28: “A perverse person stirs up conflict, and a gossip separates close friends.”

    Proverbs 26:23-25: “Enemies disguise themselves with their lips, but in their hearts they harbor deceit. Though their speech is charming, do not believe them, for seven abominations fill their hearts.”

    Proverbs 19:4: “Wealth brings many friends. But even the closest friend of a poor person abandons them.”

    Proverbs 19:6-7: “Many try to win the favor of rulers. And everyone is the friend of a person who gives gifts. Poor people are avoided by their whole family. Their friends avoid them even more. The poor person runs after his friends to beg for help. But they can’t be found.”

    Psalm 38:11: “My friends and companions avoid me because of my wounds. My neighbors stay far away from me.”

    Proverbs 4:14-16: “Don’t take the path of evil people. Don’t live the way sinners do. Stay away from their path and don’t travel on it. Turn away from it and go on your way. Sinners can’t rest until they do what is evil. They can’t sleep until they make someone sin.”

    Psalm 28:3: “Do not drag me away with the wicked, with those who do evil, who speak cordially with their neighbors but harbor malice in their hearts.”

    Proverbs 27:6: “Wounds from a friend can be trusted. But an enemy kisses you many times.”

    Luke 22:47-48: “While Jesus was still speaking, a crowd came up. The man named Judas was leading them. He was one of the 12 disciples. Judas approached Jesus to kiss him. But Jesus asked him, ‘Judas, are you handing over the Son of Man with a kiss?’”

    A Christian Approach to Dealing with Fake Friends and Setting Boundaries

    Your time and energy are limited, so don’t waste any of your valuable resources on fake friendships. By letting go of relationships with fake friends, you’ll be able to build more true friendships with people who are caring and trustworthy. By building boundaries (rules for how to interact in healthy ways) into your friendships, you’ll be helping yourself and your friends enjoy the kind of relationships God wants you to have. Here’s how to deal with fake friends and set boundaries:

    If you already know for sure that someone is a fake friend, end your friendship without guilt. You don’t need to feel guilty about withdrawing from someone who is mistreating you. Remember your incredible worth as one of God’s beloved children. You deserve to be treated well – and if you’re not, you should move on to protect your well-being and live with integrity, rather than compromising for a fake friend.

    Express your feelings and needs honestly. Be open with your friends and about how you feel and what you need, in all situations. Let them know exactly what you need to feel cared for and respected in your relationships with them, and ask them to tell you what they need from you to feel the same. Talk openly about how best to set boundaries for all aspects of your friendship, including how often you communicate, what is appropriate to say to each other, what is acceptable to ask each other to do, how you should agree on decisions that affect you both, and the freedom to share different opinions and agree to disagree respectfully.

    Don’t tolerate disrespect. Whenever a friend doesn’t respect one of your boundaries, call attention to that and refuse to tolerate mistreatment. Let your friends know that you care about them, but you need them to learn to follow healthy boundaries in order for your friendships with them to continue. Affirm your commitment to do the same for them. If arguments happen when you stand up to disrespect, ask God to send you both wisdom and peace to resolve the conflict and move forward with a stronger friendship.

    Focus on friends who want to grow closer to God with you. Fake friendships pull you away from God, while true friendships move you closer to him. Choose friendships with people who want to keep growing in faith along with you, prioritizing spiritual pursuits. In my book Wake Up to Wonder, I explain research that shows how pursuing God’s wonder together with others promotes good behavior in relationships. When people encounter God’s wonder and feel awe, their brains change in ways that lead to goodness. The brain area which establishes the sense of self in the world partially shuts down, while the area that controls emotions becomes more activated and releases dopamine (a chemical that causes people to feel good). As a result, people become more aware of their connection to others and more motivated to choose goodness. People who are focused on God together are naturally able to build good friendships with each other.

    Conclusion

    Learning and applying what the Bible says about fake friends is vital to keeping your friendships healthy. God wants the best for you – in all aspects of your life, including your friendships. When you and your friends center your lives around your relationships with God, God’s love will flow between you, empowering you to enjoy good friendships together.

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/DMEPhotography

    Whitney Hopler is the author of the Wake Up to Wonder book and the Wake Up to Wonder blog, which help people thrive through experiencing awe. She leads the communications work at George Mason University’s Center for the Advancement of Well-Being. Whitney has served as a writer, editor, and website developer for leading media organizations, including Crosswalk.com, The Salvation Army USA’s national publications, and Dotdash.com (where she produced a popular channel on angels and miracles). She has also written the young adult novel Dream Factory. Connect with Whitney on Twitter and Facebook.

    Whitney Hopler

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  • Remember These 9 Things When Another Christian Disappoints You

    Remember These 9 Things When Another Christian Disappoints You

    Maybe it’s your pastor or mentor.

    Maybe it’s someone in your Bible study.

    Maybe it’s a famous Christian in the news.

    They’ve sinned. They’ve said they believe one thing and lived like they believed something else. Their life is messier than you could have imagined, and you feel disappointed, angry, confused, disillusioned, sad . . .

    How are we supposed to feel when other Christians miss God’s mark? How can we cope with the chaos other people’s sin creates? What should we say (if anything?)

    Here are nine things to keep in mind when another Christian disappoints you.

    Erin Davis is passionate about pointing young women toward God’s Truth. She is the author of several books and a frequent speaker and blogger to women of all ages. Erin lives on a small farm in the midwest with her husband and kids. When she’s not writing, you can find her herding goats, chickens, and children.

    Image courtesy: Pexels.com

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  • Advice and Safety Tips for Online Dating: An Interview with a Christian Online Dating Expert

    Advice and Safety Tips for Online Dating: An Interview with a Christian Online Dating Expert

    In her late 40s, Margot Starbuck found herself in unfamiliar territory: the world of dating.

    Divorced after two decades of marriage, and having allowed herself several years to heal, the author of more than 30 books decided to dip her feet into online dating. Her most recent release, The Grown Woman’s Guide to Online Dating: Lessons Learned While Swiping Right, Taking Selfies and Analyzing Emojis, came out of her personal experience and in-depth research.

    Today, she shares pertinent information with women of all ages who find themselves in the unknown world of online dating, including how to get started, how to be authentic, and how to stay safe online.

    Can you start by telling the readers who are new to this how to get started? 

    First, you need to choose the site or sites you will use. There are free sites, sites that are free for an introductory period, sites where you pay from the start, and sites where you can pay for extra perks.

    The easiest rule of thumb when considering what site or sites to use is “you get what you pay for.” On the entirely free sites, you will run into many characters who may not share your values. There will be good eggs, but they may be few and far between. In my experience, people who use paid sites are more serious about finding a match because they are more invested.  

    Once you know whether you want to use a paid or free site, one of the best ways to narrow it down to one or two is to get input from someone in your geographical area who is similar in age, gender, and faith preferences. The best site for me in urban North Carolina may or may not be the best for someone in a rural area.

    What sites have been best for you and why?

    Match and Bumble have worked best for me. I really like the search features on Match. You can search by things like geography, age, and faith preferences. And when you use the desktop version, you can also search by specific keywords, like “artist,” “drummer,” or “Jesus.”

    Bumble was created by a woman. On it, you either swipe right if you like someone or left if you don’t. If you both swipe right, it is the woman’s responsibility to initiate a conversation. Because of this, I believe there are likely more secure men on Bumble. 

    Eharmony has a good reputation, but it’s also pricey. And ChristianMingle is comforting because the word Christian is in the name, but I have not found great matches there.

    Tell us the three most important things to consider when building a profile.

    1. Include what makes you uniquely you. Imagine how many women write “I love the beach. I love coffee. And I love my family.” Those things may be true, but you waste precious real estate by including them because they are not unique to you. So instead, I might say, “On Saturday mornings, I listen to Earth, Wind and Fire while roller-skating on a local trail.” 

    If you have trouble identifying things that are unique to you, ask your friends for help because your friends know what is special about you.

    2. Choose photos well. Include both headshots and full body. We can be tempted to only show headshots or post that picture from six years and 30 pounds ago, but we don’t do ourselves any favors by not having a current photo. And use a variety of photos. Post a picture of you playing baseball with your favorite nephew or one of yourself at painting class or holding your favorite book. When you get more specific, you give men something to take an interest in and respond to.

    3. Don’t be negative, and don’t overshare. It’s easy to complain—about dating apps, about men, about meeting men on dating apps—but you have so little real estate to make a good impression that negativity is a waste of space. Avoiding oversharing is also important. Your former depression or addiction may be a part of who you are, but your profile is not a place to share it. You don’t have to be deceptive, but definitely be selective.

    What are some red flags to be aware of when you are looking to make a connection?

    Some are really obvious. If he announces his favorite sexual position, you know to steer clear. But some things are less obvious. If a guy is overly eager to meet quickly or, on the flip side, is overly reluctant to meet in person, those can both be red flags. (My girlfriend, Char, insists that the man who stood me up for a date was likely in prison.)

    Another thing to pay attention to is whether the guy’s profile is overly disparaging of former partners or, conversely, if it’s too idealistic. If he says something like, “I’m a workaholic now, but once I meet you, I’ll be different,” or “I want someone who completes me,” he may have an unrealistic view of relationships.

    Pay attention and notice what your gut is telling you. 

    As a Christian woman on a dating site, how do you approach the topic of sex?

    We know in our culture that checking the Christian box doesn’t mean you share the same values when it comes to sex. Literally, anyone can check that box, and it may just mean, “My grandparents had me baptized as a baby.”

    If you are saving sex for marriage, make that plain. You can even drop a hint in your profile by saying something like, “I’m not here for a hook-up” or “I’m looking to build a friendship.”

    Here are some code words and phrases to notice when looking at men’s profiles: “open-minded,” “romantic,” “down for Netflix & chill,” and “I expect my partner to be passionate.” Those all can be code for “I want to sleep with you as soon as possible.”

    I have a friend in her 30s who is very up-front about her commitment to save sex for marriage, and she always brings it up within the first couple dates. Because sex and dating is often assumed in our culture (even among those who check the Christian box), I think this is so smart. It takes courage, but it’s so important.

    You mentioned trusting your gut earlier. Can you elaborate on that? Do you have an example of when this worked for you?

    Yes, I have been catfished—when someone is not who they say they are. He said he was a man of faith, but he used overly religious jargon that didn’t sound genuine. He said he was from Norway but living in Atlanta. I don’t really know what a Norwegian accent sounds like, but his voice just didn’t sound right to me. And I didn’t get the sense that he had any friends or community of support. I mentioned it to a friend who did some research. She found that though he claimed to be an architectural professional, he didn’t have a profile on LinkedIn. (That’s not a complete deal-breaker, but most professionals are on LinkedIn.) But he also only had three Facebook friends, and my friend was like, “Margot, he’s not real.” So I ended that one.

    Let’s talk specifically about safety. What are practical things women can do as they invest in the online dating world?

    For an overall posture of safety, you should be suspicious. I know that sounds awful, but don’t assume someone is who they say they are until you’ve seen evidence.

    Be smart and do your research. It’s really easy with Google and social media, and it may save you time and heartache. One guy I connected with said he thought it was stupid for people to Google their matches. So I googled him and found a kind of paparazzi shot of him walking out of a courthouse in a high-profile criminal trial.

    Also, don’t share your personal information, your address, or any photos that you don’t want shared with others. If you want to be particularly careful, get a Google phone number, so your match doesn’t see your real number until you are ready to share it. 

    Also, involve your girlfriends. If something doesn’t feel right, run it past them. Have them help you browse profiles, and when you are ready to meet a match in person, let a friend know where you will be, meet in a very public place and take your own transportation. If you do those three things, it can really protect you.

    Before I let you go, what is your advice for getting out of a relationship or even just out of a connection after meeting in person once or twice?

    My neighbor friend in her 30s has a wonderful template for this. Simply tell them, “I’ve enjoyed meeting you. I don’t think we’re a match, and I wish you well.” I think that language of “we’re not a match” is really helpful in saying goodbye.

    Does the thought of joining a dating site invoke feelings of fear and anxiety—or, worse, insecurity or unworthiness? If so, then The Grown Woman’s Guide to Online Dating is the book for you. With practical advice about how these sites work, what to expect, and when to join and quit, along with proven tips for making the most of them, The Grown Woman’s Guide equips readers with all they need to take the plunge.

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/Tonktiti

    Kim Harms HeadshotKim Harms is an author, speaker, and part-time librarian with two decades of freelance writing experience. She has a degree in English from Iowa State University. She is married to an adventure-lover, and together they have three super-awesome sons, but only the youngest still lives at home. Her book, Life Reconstructed: Navigating the World of Mastectomies and Breast Reconstruction, is a guide for women walking the breast cancer road. She also offers breast cancer resources at her website, kimharms.net. She can be found on Instagram @kimharmslifereconstructed where it turns out that her dog is way more popular than she is, raking in the views when he is the star of her reels.

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  • 3 Blessings of Having a Sister

    3 Blessings of Having a Sister

    Many of us are blessed to have a sister or sisters in our lives. God blessed me with a sister who has been with me through every dark time of our lives. Maybe you have a sister you’re really close to or a sister who has stood by your side even when it’s hard. While some sibling relationships can be extremely difficult, which I know all too well, other sibling relationships are beautiful blessings.

    I’m the youngest of three girls, yet my middle sister and myself were always closest to one another. If you have a sibling, maybe you know how close a bond can grow over the years.

    My sister and I have gone through many difficult times, and we are presently going through an ongoing problem that hasn’t been resolved in nearly two decades. During these times, I am especially grateful for my sister.

    Through the tough times of being bullied in public school to the death of our beloved dog and the death of our mother, my sister and I have always been close.

    Similar to many siblings, we have been through a lot together. My sister and I are Irish twins because we were born 10 months apart. The closeness in our age may have also contributed to how we became not only sisters but also best friends.

    Together my sister and I had to go through the pain of medical diagnoses of family members as well as seeing the deteriorating health of our mother. All of these things can weigh heavy on anyone’s heart and mind.

    It is not surprising for any of these things to cause us to collapse under the pressure of it all. I know, personally, I was only able to go through these hard times with the help of God and my sister. Without the support of God and my sister, the feelings of being overwhelmed, fear, and depression would have become too much.

    No matter what we have gone through, my sister has always remained by my side. God blessed me greatly when he gave me a sister as great as mine. After the death of our family dog in early 2016, my sister became severely depressed.

    Our family dog was her best friend, and our dog was there for my sister through everything. I knew how much my sister loved our family dog, but I never knew how much our lives would change without our sweet little dog.

    The death of our dog was only the beginning of tragedy after tragedy. After our dog passed away, my sister became more reserved and didn’t have the same free spirit she had before. Depression had crept into her heart, and it was something I couldn’t heal for her.

    Seeing my sister in this way broke my heart. While my sister has been working on healing, the absence of our furry little dog still creeps into all of our hearts and minds, and we all miss her dearly.

    What we didn’t know was that our dog’s death was the beginning of one of the most difficult and tragic years. In the spring of 2016, our oldest sister went through many mental health difficulties and has never fully recovered, even six years later.

    My Irish twin sister and I started to learn many things that we never wanted to know and went to floors of the hospital we never wanted to travel to. This traumatic event still stays with us, and we are often reminded of the difficulties of taking care of someone who has pronounced mental health illnesses.

    2. Leaning on Them During Difficult Times

    I started college in late August of 2016, while my sister had already completed a few semesters before me. Within the first semester of college, our mother was deathly sick in the hospital due to congestive heart failure. She was in the hospital for 10 days in the ICU before she passed away.

    My family and I visited mom multiple times each day in the ICU. In 2016, only two family members were allowed at a time to visit the patient, so naturally, my sister and I went back before my dad, and oldest sister saw our mom.

    If you have been in the ICU, you know how emotional it can be. At only 18 years old, it was traumatizing to see my mother in such a deathly state. She was hooked up to a machine to keep her heart beating, she was on oxygen, and she had a tube feed.

    My mother woke up while my sister and I were in the room, and it gave me deep sorrow to see the fear in my mother’s eyes. She gripped my hand, and she was so strong. All I wanted to do was to save her somehow — to make all the problems go away, but I couldn’t.

    My family and I continued to visit mom every day, multiple times a day in the hospital, and it was always my Irish twin sister and me who were together during these difficult times. Despite the efforts of the hospital, my mother passed exactly 10 days after being admitted.

    My mom was young — she was only 45 years old when she passed away. It pains me to think of all that she will never experience on this earth and all of the memories that I will never make with her now.

    Maybe you have been through something similar, and you had someone to lean on. For me, these individuals were God and my sister. 

    Life has never been the same since 2016, but I feel my sister, and I have grown closer through these difficult seasons of life. It would be erroneous to say that time has completely healed the pain since 2016 because it hasn’t.

    However, knowing my sister has been with me through it all has helped me not feel so alone. There is something comforting to know that you are not as alone as you once thought.

    Whenever we become crestfallen or upset over a memory or a thought, we can both understand each other better because we were there with each other during these tragedies.

    3. Always Supportive

    Through college, my sister and I remained close, and we are still close right up to this present day. I had to go through an anorexia recovery from 2020 up until the present year, and my sister has been by my side through every step of the journey.

    It has been extremely hard and filled with ups and downs, but my sister has always extended love to me even when I didn’t deserve it. In this way, my sister was showing me the love of Christ in her actions.

    If you’re knowledgeable about eating disorders, you know how difficult they can be and how much the person who is struggling with the eating disorder can push others away. Despite pushing others away, my sister still encouraged me and stuck by my side.

    For this, I am eternally grateful because everyone else left my side. It is through the hard times and the struggles that those who truly love us shine. My sister has been a true blessing in my life, and I couldn’t imagine not having her in my life.

    Today, make sure to help your sibling or siblings know how much you appreciate them. Even though some siblings may be difficult to be around, there is normally a sibling who is not only your sibling but also your best friend.

    For further reading:

    What Does it Mean to Be in the Family of God?

    What Is the Importance of Having a Spiritual Family?

    What Is the Significance of Siblings in the Bible?

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/DGLimages

    Vivian Bricker loves Jesus, studying the Word of God, and helping others in their walk with Christ. She has earned a Bachelor of Arts and Master’s degree in Christian Ministry with a deep academic emphasis in theology. Her favorite things to do are spending time with her family and friends, reading, and spending time outside. When she is not writing, she is embarking on other adventures.

    Vivian Bricker

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  • Will I Recognize My Spouse in Heaven?

    Will I Recognize My Spouse in Heaven?

    The Bible only tells us so much about Heaven. It’s a mystery that has yet to be revealed. And while so much about Heaven is left up to the imagination, I’m confident that even the most imaginative minds can’t touch the splendor that awaits us. We wonder about everything from how old we’ll appear to be to what language we’ll speak. Will the streets really be paved with gold? Can we really be rejoicing for eternity when people we love aren’t there? The questions and wonders about Heaven are endless.

    As we address the question, “Will I recognize my spouse in Heaven?” we need to remember that, while the Bible may give hints on this topic, Scripture does not provide an explicit answer. While it’s natural to have a fear or unsettledness about the unknown, we need to trust God with the details of eternity, just as we need to trust him with the details of our lives here on earth.

    Below are some popular accounts found in God’s Word that seem to support the notion that we will, indeed, know one another in Heaven. But because we are limited in our knowledge and understanding, you may find that some of these accounts create even more questions about Heaven. This is why we must hold loosely to our opinions and trust that whatever Heaven holds, we will be overcome with His goodness and be fully satisfied in Him.

    Let’s start with what we know to be true:

    God Is Relational

    Something we see throughout the entirety of the Bible is that God is relational. We see this as early as the book of Genesis when God established His kingdom on earth in the Garden of Eden. He didn’t just have a relationship with Adam and Eve; He allowed them to have a deep, intimate, meaningful relationship with each other. Genesis 2:25 tells us they were “naked and unashamed.”

    This gives us a glimpse into what Heaven will be like. We will once again be unencumbered by sin and able to have the purest of relationships with one another. We will have complete intimacy with nothing to hide. In other words, just as we are not meant to live in solitude on earth, we will not spend eternity in solitude.

    In 1 Corinthians 12:13, Paul reminds us that in this life, our knowledge is limited, but those limitations will be removed in the next life. This suggests we will have relationships with one another that are deeper and more meaningful than we can even imagine, in part because our lives will no longer be hindered by sin and because our collective focus will be on Christ.

    But the question still remains, will we recognize each other?

    Marriage and Heaven

    Photo credit: ©Pexels/Leah Kelley

    We know from Scripture that in Heaven, we will not be married or given in marriage (Matt 22:30). This refers to the concept of marriage we’re familiar with in this life. The exciting truth that awaits us in Heaven is that we, the church, are the bride of Christ (Ephesians 5:22-33).

    As the bride of Christ, we, along with those we love, will turn our collective focus on Him. We will see Him in all his splendor and glory, and we will be completely satisfied. Whether happily married or not, your eternal existence as the bride of Christ will be the richest and most satisfying relationship imaginable.

    The problem is we have no reference as to what it means to be fully satisfied. Even in our most joyful moments here on earth, we are still tainted by the effects of sin. For those who have had happy, healthy marriages, it’s difficult to imagine being fully satisfied by Christ without our spouse by our side.

    While I am fully convinced we will be fully satisfied by Christ regardless of who is or isn’t with us in Heaven, I believe we can reason from Scripture that we will indeed know one another.

    You Will Be You in Heaven

    There’s no reason to believe we will suddenly be someone else in Heaven or that we will lose our earthly memories, causing us to forget or not recognize one another. For one thing, we’re told we will give an account of our lives on earth (Rom 14:12). How can we give an account of how we lived our lives if we can’t remember how we lived or who we lived with?

    Again, this begs other questions. Will we all be the same age in Heaven? How will a baby lost in infancy look compared to someone who died in their 90s? We simply don’t have answers to these questions, but we know our bodies will be perfected and made new.

    1 Corinthians 15:52 tells us that “the dead will be raised incorruptible” and that those who are alive at the time of Christ’s return for His saints “shall be changed.” What exactly does this look like? The Bible doesn’t get more specific, but it’s still a glorious promise!

    Now let’s look at some popular references that seem to support the idea that we will recognize one another in Heaven.

    The Resurrection

    Our best example of knowing one another in Heaven is found in Jesus, who was recognized countless times by his disciples after his resurrection. They recognized him on the shore as he cooked for them in John 21:1-14. They recognized him when he appeared to Thomas in John 20:24-29. And in 1 Corinthians 15:6, the disciples recognize Jesus when he appears to five hundred people at once.

    Consider John 20:15-16 when Jesus approached Mary at the tomb. She likely did not immediately recognize Jesus because she was weeping and in distress. But once Jesus said her name, she knew exactly who was talking to her.

    The Transfiguration:

    Consider the transfiguration in Matthew 17. Jesus took Peter, James, and John up high on a mountain. Jesus was transfigured before them and shone like the sun; his clothes became white as light. Two men appeared and were talking with Jesus. These men were Moses and Elijah.

    Peter said to Jesus, “Lord, it is good that we are here. If you wish, I will make three tents here, one for you and one for Moses and one for Elijah.” If you’ll notice, Peter, James, and John were not only able to recognize Jesus in his glorified body, but they also knew the identity of Moses and Elijah.

    Did Jesus introduce Moses and Elijah? Did Jesus allow Peter, James, and John to supernaturally know who they were seeing? Again, while the Bible doesn’t give us those details, many use this account to support the idea that we will recognize one another in Heaven.

    Paul’s Anticipation of Heaven

    Stairway to Heaven

    Photo credit: ©Getty Images/Romonolo Tavani

    Consider 2 Corinthians 1:14 and 1 Thessalonians 2:19. In both of these verses, Paul anticipates the joy of Heaven being increased by the presence of those whom he had the great privilege of winning to Christ. These verses speak of mutual recognition. Paul will recognize and boast in Christ on behalf of those he won to faith, and they will recognize and boast in Christ on behalf of Paul.

    Another way that Paul speaks to this issue is in 1 Thessalonians 4:15-18. Paul addressed the Thessalonian Christians concerning their loved ones who had died. He comforted them with these words, “the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them…and so we will be with the Lord forever…Therefore encourage each other with these words.”

    The argument here is that there could be no encouragement in the promise of being caught up together with those who have gone before if we won’t know and recognize them.

    King David

    Another popular argument for us recognizing one another in Heaven is in the account of King David and the death of his son found in 2 Samuel 12:15-23. King David spent seven days fasting and weeping over his son, who was sick. On the seventh day, his child died.

    After being informed that his son had died, David washed, anointed himself, changed his clothes, and went into the house of the Lord and worshiped. Later, as David ate, one of his servants asked him why he wept and fasted while his son was still alive, but now that the child was dead, he arose and was eating.

    David responded to his servant by saying, “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept, for I said, ‘Who knows whether the Lord will be gracious to me, that the child may live?’ But now he is dead. Why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he will not return to me.”

    This account often comforts parents who have lost infants or children because David is convinced he will see his child again. This account also shows David’s confidence that he will recognize his son when he sees him again.

    For many, these and other accounts in the Bible bring comfort and give hope that we will recognize our spouses in Heaven. Yet recognizing our spouses in Heaven shouldn’t be our ultimate comfort or hope.

    Remember Where Your True Comfort and Hopes Lie

    In our flesh, our focus is usually on ourselves, on our own desires, comforts, and fears. It’s not surprising, then, that we look forward to Heaven because we want to see loved ones who have gone before us. Or that we look to eternity with uncertainty because of our lack of understanding and fear of the unknown.

    Before we try to settle discussions of whether or not our spouse will know us in Heaven, we should settle on what we already know to be true: We know that Jesus has prepared a place for us (John 14:2-3), we know we can trust him in all things (Psalm 33:4 ) and we know that he is working for our good (Rom 8:28). With this in mind, we need to take all things that we hold dear on earth (in this case, our spouse) and be able to say, “I will be fully satisfied in Christ even if my spouse doesn’t know me in Heaven.”

    My personal conviction is that we will, indeed, know one another in a deeper, more intimate way than we do now. But I am also convicted that our focus will not be on one another. Our focus will be on Christ, and our joy will be made complete in Him.

    Related Articles:

    Will I Still Be Married to My Spouse in Heaven?

    Will We Know Each Other in Heaven?

    5 Ways to See Your Marriage through the Lens of Heaven

    Photo credit: ©Getty Images/Jonh Orton Design

    Beth Ann Baus is a wife and mother of two adult sons. She is a freelance writer and author of Sister Sunday, My So Much More, and His Power, Our Weakness: Encouragement for the Biblical Counselor. In her writing, Beth often pulls from her own experiences of abuse, anxiety, depression and OCD. Beth has a heart for homeschooling, women’s ministry, and is an ACBC-certified Biblical Counselor. She loves serving alongside her husband and pointing couples to the Word for strengthening their marriages and home life. You can find more from her at www.bethannbaus.com.

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  • 5 Christlike Ways to Handle Disagreements Part 2

    5 Christlike Ways to Handle Disagreements Part 2

    My goal wasn’t to get into an argument with my family member. Far from it. But when the conversation turned to religion and the salvation of his Hindu family members, I couldn’t stay silent. My desire for him to know the truth led my words at first, but the conversation went from kind and receptive to biting and sour. I wasn’t sure how to get it back on track, so I went outside to get some air.

    Is it possible to have Christlike disagreements and not let our feelings lead us down a path of destruction? As humans, our emotions stay with us wherever we go. We can’t separate ourselves from them, but we can give ourselves a moment to process them and ask ourselves, “Is this really true?” and “Am I being led by unresolved hurt or by love?” When we do this, our disagreements are less fueled by anger and resentment and led more by a genuine love for others.

    Disagreements are not unbiblical. We see Jesus disagreeing with people in scripture quite often. The problem comes when we are guided by our opinions rather than the Holy Spirit.

    Here are five Christlike ways to handle disagreements:

    1. Ask God to Direct the Conversation

    Even when I’m not in the middle of a disagreement, I often do this. If someone asks me a tough question related to the Bible or about God, I always want the Spirit and sound biblical truth to lead. It is amazing what a short prayer saying, “God, help me,” or “God, guide my words,” can do. By doing so, we acknowledge that our flesh is weak, but our spirit is willing. (Matthew 26:41)

    While we may not have the right words to say in the middle of a disagreement, God does. And when his Spirit directs the conversation, we can be sure we are putting the best version of ourselves out there for others to see.

    2. Ask Yourself, “Do I Love This Person?”

    My pastor once told a story about an administrative assistant he did not get along with. He was very young then, and they had butted heads on some issues. He found a specific verse he was going to use to put her argument to rest once and for all. But on his way to the woman’s office, the Spirit stopped him and asked, “Do you love her?” He knew if he was completely honest, the answer was no. The simple question and redirect made him realize his correction had no basis if it was not rooted in love.

    Many of us are familiar with the following verse in Ephesians, but we forget the love part:

    “Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church.” Ephesians 4:15 NLT

    When we let our love for Christ and his church lead us instead of our own selfish pride, something beautiful happens. If we read the following verses, we see God’s desire for each of us:

    “He makes the whole body fit together perfectly. As each part does its own special work, it helps the other parts grow, so that the whole body is healthy and growing and full of love.” Ephesians 4:16 NLT

    3. Be Led By a Desire for Understanding

    Have you ever been around someone who just wanted to hear herself talk? Goodness knows I have, and I know I’ve been guilty of acting this way myself. But if our only concern is having the loudest voice in the room, we’ll probably miss opportunities to see and understand God’s people. We’re going to overlook others who genuinely want to be heard and cared for because we’re more concerned with them knowing our opinion.

    When we’re tempted to let our opinions lead us rather than love and care for the other person, let’s take a pause. The Holy Spirit is always willing to help us in our time of need and will give us the patience and understanding we lack.

    James talks about the fact that none of us have wisdom and understanding apart from the Lord and points us toward humble acts done with hearts turned toward God rather than our own selfish motives:

    “Who is wise and understanding among you? Let them show it by their good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth.” James 3:13-14 NIV

    4. Remember, It Is Not Our Job to “Fix” Other People

    Often, we are misled by the notion that we can argue people into following God. We think if we drill our points into their heads with enough sound reasoning and determination, they will change their ways. But we do not see this happening in the Gospels. In every instance where lives are changed, it is a miracle where someone experiences Jesus’ utterly unreasonable grace and mercy.

    The Holy Spirit is in the business of convicting hearts and bringing prodigals to repentance. When we try be the Holy Spirit instead of simply letting him lead us with complete submission, we fall short. More often than not, we let our flesh and our pride take over, and the person we’re trying to convince is more repulsed than drawn to the throne of grace.

    Paul reminds us of what draws others toward God in Romans 2, and contrary to what we sometimes think, it isn’t arguing:

    “Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, forbearance and patience, not realizing that God’s kindness is intended to lead you to repentance?” Romans 2:4 NIV

    5. Remember, the Other Person Was Created in the Image of God

    It’s difficult to speak harshly to someone when we see God’s stamp on him or her. And regardless of whether or not the person is a believer, she was created in God’s image. The person we’re disagreeing with is loved by God and sought after. Every interaction we have needs to be led by this knowledge.

    I once heard someone say that when Jesus led his earthly ministry, he didn’t convince others to leave their former life by pointing and saying, “You’re wrong, you’re wrong, and you’re wrong. Now, follow me.” But when we remind people that they bear the image of the Creator, something inside of them comes alive. They’re transformed because the Spirit awakens them to the fact that they are sons and daughters, and the desire for their old way of life fades.

    Not every disagreement we have with others will be about God or the Bible, but these disagreements seem to stir our emotions the most. This is because we care deeply about our faith and our beliefs, and our lives are transformed because of them. But when we disagree, let’s remember to let God lead the conversation. Disagreements in themselves are not sinful, but hate for our brother and sister does not have a place at God’s table. Let’s remember the price he paid for each and every one of us, and remember that even in his darkest hour of betrayal, he cried out, “Father, forgive them.” (Luke 23:34) 

    Click here to check out Part 1.

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/fizkes

    Abby McDonald is a writing coach and the author of Shift: Changing Our Focus to See the Presence of God. Her mission is to empower women to seek God in the middle of life’s messes and to share their faith with courage. Abby writes regularly for Proverb 31 Ministries’ daily devotions team, and her work has been featured in numerous publications. You can connect with Abby on her website where you can grab a free worship playlist to help you shift your focus toward God. You can also connect with Abby on Instagram.

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  • Be an Agent of Change

    Be an Agent of Change

    I remember the day I got saved like no other. My dad and I used to stay up late playing video games, and on one beautiful summer night, the trajectory of my life would forever be changed. At 2:30 am, I was given an option between life and death.

    I wasn’t threatened to make a choice.

    I wasn’t forced to believe what Mom and Dad believed.

    I wasn’t even given the “you’re going to hell” speech.

    Nevertheless, something within my heart drew me to Jesus.

    It was not just a choice. It was my choice.

    It was not just a decision. It was my decision.

    It was not their pressed acceptance. It was my acceptance.

    A Choice

    Today, I think many good and well-intentional Christians want to save others, but they are going about it the wrong way.

    When I was in high school, for instance, I not so fondly recall reading Jonathan Edward’s pivotal sermon, “Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God.” 

    In a secular high school English class, you can imagine the horror and disdain I felt reading this as a student. All the people in my class who didn’t know God, who didn’t understand Christianity or religion, who didn’t have a view, now had the view that the God I loved and served was merely dangling them over a pit of hell. The text made it seem this was a pit of hell He would gladly drop them over the second they made a mistake. 

    What a sad view of such a loving and powerful God.

    Who God Is

    While God is a God to be feared, respected, and honored, and hell is a very real place, scaring people into salvation is not what Christ intended for us. And it certainly is not what He called us as His disciples to do.

    Yes, the gospel message requires an acknowledgment of our sins. It requires us to humble ourselves before God and realize that we all fall short of the glory of His splendor. It requires us to see that He is God and we are not. Yes, the gospel message requires us to realize that atonement was needed for our sins. That because we sinned and fell in the Garden of Eden, we were the ones who deserved condemnation and hell.

    But the gospel message also requires us to realize that because of Jesus, we can be saved. We can confess that Jesus Christ is the Lord of our lives, ask for forgiveness of our sins, and live the way He intended for us to live. We can become Gospel-Message Bearers just as He was the Light of the World.

    A Ministry of Love

    Jesus ministered to others using parables. He often taught harsh truths to the Pharisees and Sadducees (who needed harsh words to break free of their obsession with religion). But His main method of conversion was love.

    Jesus made it clear that God came to save everyone. 

    “This is good and pleases God our Savior, who wants everyone to be saved and to understand the truth” (1 Timothy 2:3-4, NLT).

    “And this is the will of God, that I should not lose even one of all those he has given me, but that I should raise them up at the last day” (John 6:39, NLT).

    Jesus made it clear that all needed to repent from sin and accept Jesus Christ as the Lord of their life:

    “For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard” (Romans 3:23, NLT).

    “If you openly declare that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved” (Romans 10:9, NLT).

    How to Treat Others

    But when Jesus met the woman at the well who’d had five husbands, He didn’t start with, “you’re going to hell.” He started with, “I know everything about you, but I’m here to offer you a way of life that will never run dry” (John 4).

    When God called Noah, and he ran away, God sent protection and love in the form of conviction (Genesis 5:29).

    When Jesus felt the tears of a prostitute flow over His feet, He didn’t tell her to get out; He let her touch Him. He let her get close, and her life was changed (Luke 7:36-50).

    As a born-again Christian, I will not minimize the seriousness of sin, salvation, heaven, or hell. All are real, and all have consequences or outcomes. But when it comes to sharing the Gospel, might I plead with you this:

    The student in my class who came from a divorced family needs to know that Jesus sees her and loves her before she’s told she’s going to Hell without Him.

    The student in my class who was the child of two people addicted to drugs needs to know that Jesus came to offer her a better way of life and love before she’s told to just go to church and figure it out.

    The student in my class who is stuck in a generational wave of mental health disorders needs to hear that God is with them in health and poverty before they’re given a blanket statement to just pray or read their Bible more.

    The student in my class who feels like religion and God are being forced down their throat needs to know and experience the love, care, and true gospel message of Christ through you before you expect them to become a follower of Christ.

    Our world needs more living out and less suppression. It needs Christians willing to live and breathe like Jesus so that others may experience Him and be saved.

    “Instead, you must worship Christ as Lord of your life. And if someone asks about your hope as a believer, always be ready to explain it. 16 But do this in a gentle and respectful way.[c] Keep your conscience clear. Then if people speak against you, they will be ashamed when they see what a good life you live because you belong to Christ” (1 Peter 3:15-16, NLT).

    Be an Effective Agent of Change

    The most effective agents of change for Christ are not those scaring people into salvation. And despite the popularity of “hell walks” at churches during Halloween, I do not believe fear has a place in the love and salvation Christ offers the sinner.

    The most effective agents of change for Christ are those who build a trusting relationship with the sinner.

    These change agents invest in those relationships by living as Christ intended them to and then present the gospel message—not to scare them but to show them a reality. Not to force them but to offer them a choice. 

    This is a choice that will change their entire life for eternity to come.

    Jesus was a friend of sinners, and so should we be. 

    Agape, Amber 

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/monkeybusinessimages

    Amber Ginter is a young adult writer that currently works as an English teacher in Chillicothe, Ohio, and has a passionate desire to impact the world for Jesus through her love for writing, aesthetics, health/fitness, and ministry. Amber seeks to proclaim her love for Christ and the Gospel through her writing, aesthetic worship arts, and volunteer roles. She is enrolled in the YWW Author Conservatory to become a full-time author and is a featured writer for Crosswalk, ibelieve, Salem Web Network, The Rebelution, Daughter of Delight, Kallos, Anchored Passion, No Small Life, and Darling Magazine. In the past, she’s also contributed to Called Christian Writers, Southern Ohio Today News, Ohio Christian University, and The Circleville Herald. Visit her website at amberginter.com.

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  • What Your Grieving Friend Wishes You Knew This Holiday Season

    What Your Grieving Friend Wishes You Knew This Holiday Season

    If I were honest, I have been mentally (and emotionally) preparing for this season for quite some time. It not only encompasses two of my (and my mom’s) favorite holidays, but it is wrapped in birthdays and anniversaries, so a lot is going on! But this year is different. It’s now become something to survive, rather than special days to celebrate.

    Needless to say, preparations have already been made. The takeout order for our Thanksgiving meal is set, and I dare not set foot in her favorite craft store. I’ve also made a point to cozy up with her blue blanket and a cup of cocoa as I’ve ugly cried to sappy Christmas movies on a few occasions.

    It’s been a little over six months since I held my six-year-old’s hand and watched my mom’s casket be lowered into the ground. Since that day, grief has taken on many shapes and sizes. I am beginning to realize that grief isn’t linear but comes and goes in waves, having a rhythm all its own. There are painful reminders of my mom’s absence everywhere. I can’t manage to find peace and joy in this season no matter how hard I try, and social settings are not only awkward but, in some cases, completely isolating.

    I have discovered months after losing my precious momma that grief changes you. It’s the unexpected journey nobody wants to take, so it’s often chartered alone. However, I could really use a trusted friend right about now. Unfortunately, many of them have gone silent. Maybe they don’t know what to say or feel it’s not worth mentioning since it’s been six months. Grief can be hard to navigate with friends; I understand that.

    But, if you have a friend enduring a deep loss and grieving this holiday season, I encourage you to reach out because the silence is deafening. If you are unsure how to do that, here are a few things your grieving friend probably wishes you knew and gentle ways in which you can comfort them this holiday season.

    Just Say (or Do) Something…But Be Sincere

    The amount of support our family received the weeks after my mother passed was heartwarming. It truly was, and I am forever grateful to those that provided meals, cards, flowers, and help with childcare. But then, as if out of nowhere, it stopped. Completely.

    Perhaps one of the hardest parts of this grief journey has been the avoidance and awkward silence. It’s as if my mother’s death instantly became the elephant in the room. Nobody knew what to say, so they didn’t say anything at all, or they didn’t acknowledge my loss in any way making small talk, leading us both in search of the nearest exit. Then there were responses that left me speechless, such as, “I’ve been meaning to send you a card or connect with you, but completely spaced or forgot.”

    I get that life is busy. I’m a mom. It’s a busy season, and this time of year adds a whole new layer of stress. However, silence, feeling forgotten, and insincere comments can be hurtful. So, here are some words (and actions) that may provide comfort for your friend:

    -Hand them the card, then apologize for your forgetfulness.

    -Take them a coffee and ask if you can pray for them.

    -Call, text, or send an encouraging Bible verse.

    -Offer a healing and heartfelt hug.

    -Simple statements of “I’m sorry” and “I’m here to listen” go a long way.

    Be Patient with Them

    It may be discouraging when you have reached out and tried to be a good friend, only to find they haven’t responded at all. Be patient with them. Healing from a loss that is so devastating takes time. Remember, this isn’t a linear type of growth. They will have good days and bad. It’s all a process, as grief brings unexpected highs and lows every day.

    That being said, this time of year, as joyful as it is for many, isn’t so “holly and jolly” for your friend. It’s a stark reminder of who is missing. Try to be understanding if they decline an invite or step away from an event early.

    They may treat this holiday differently than you thought but respect their time and decisions. Keep in mind that they are merely putting one foot in front of the other, going through the motions until January 2.

    Here are some ways to extend patience to your grieving friend:

    -Don’t push or make them feel bad for turning down an invite.

    -Ask about their loved one and listen to how they used to celebrate the holidays together.

    -Remind them to take the time they need this season and that you are ready to meet up whenever they are.

    -Offer your time and let them know you are willing to be a crying shoulder whenever they need one.

    -Wrap your love in forgiveness and know they may react in emotional haste or come across in a way that is unlike them. Grief is often messy and can bring about all kinds of emotions.

    Don’t Compare Their Grief

    I got a random text from a friend I hadn’t heard from in years. She invited me out to dinner, and I reluctantly agreed. Something in my heart warned me not to go, but I desperately needed a friend, so I went.

    She broke the awkward silence by asking about my mother, which I was thankful for, so I proceeded to tell the story of what happened the best I could muster and manage. Then she said three words that instantly set me aback: “Well, at least…” The whelp in my throat grew as I forced back the sting of tears and tried to politely smile, as I do believe she was just trying to be sympathetic. But in all honesty, I am not sure what she said after those three words.

    Here is the thing about grief. We will all encounter it at some point, and every story is different and should all be heard in the right timing. However, when your friend is walking through a season of deep grief and painful “firsts,” please be gentle with them and their heart.

    Resist the urge to relate in some way by comparing it to something you are going through, as it only makes their grief feel invalidated. Common platitudes or cliches, such as “At least they are in a better place” or “I understand how you feel when I lost…” may be said with the best of intentions, but they generally come across as disingenuous.

    Here are some ways to support and console your grieving friend while validating the season of grief they are currently walking through.

    -If they agree to meet up, please understand it may not be easy for them to be around others, so be gentle in your approach.

    -Invite them to share their story if and when they are ready, then listen attentively.

    -Try not to project your own experiences with loss onto your friend. Loss is a personal journey and should be seen as such.

    -Realize they may not be ready to talk, so sometimes a casual conversation is best, but try to take their lead on this.

    -Try to refrain from offering unsolicited advice such as, “Get more sleep” or “Stay positive.” These comments can sound condescending. Rather, let them know you are praying for God to bring them His peace and comfort.

    They Feel Bad for Being Absent-Minded

    The grief your friend currently carries has changed them; they know this, and it truly hurts them that they don’t have the emotional energy to keep up with the things they once did. They often secretly feel bad for forgetting birthdays or special occasions. They also want to attend social events but don’t always feel they know their place anymore.

    Their role has changed, and with it comes a fallout in many areas of their life, including the things they once loved and enjoyed. Now, with the holidays approaching, reminders of their loved ones are everywhere, often causing them to lose sight of their everyday responsibilities.

    The days are already filled with tasks your friend can barely manage, then add the stressors of the holidays and the heavy weight of grief; it can all be too much at times. This can eventually make your grieving friend feel like they are letting others down, becoming a disappointment.

    Here are some ways you can step in and help your friend feel forgiven for mishaps and that they still hold a valuable place in your life:

    -Don’t make them feel bad for forgetting an important day.

    -Remind them of all the good things they are still doing.

    -Take their children for a day in order to give them a moment to seek rest and sit in their grief.

    -Offer real support, such as, “I can bring dinner by this Wednesday or bring you groceries on Thursday evening.”

    -Follow up with them on events with simple and sweet reminders.

    Navigating a friendship being tested by a profound loss is not for the faint of heart. It’s surely not easy and can be somewhat uncomfortable at times, but in helping a friend wade through the murky waters of grief, know that your efforts are not only seen by your hurting friend but by our loving Father. Coming from a place of grief myself, I can tell you it is a lonely journey, but the connection with a true friend is invaluable. So, may God provide you with meaningful ways to bless, love, and support your grieving friend this holiday season, and may it also richly bless you.

    Photo credit: © Getty Images/Kerkez

    Alicia Searl is a devotional author, blogger, and speaker that is passionate about pouring out her heart and pointing ladies of all ages back to Jesus. She has an education background and master’s in literacy.  Her favorite people call her Mom, which is why much of her time is spent cheering them on at a softball game or dance class. She is married to her heartthrob (a tall, spiky-haired blond) who can whip up a mean latte. She sips that goodness while writing her heart on a page while her puppy licks her feet. Visit her website at aliciasearl.com and connect with her on Instagram and Facebook.

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  • Why Couples Must Listen to the Voice of the Holy Spirit

    Why Couples Must Listen to the Voice of the Holy Spirit

    Romans 8:14 “For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, they are the sons of God. For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father. The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God:  And if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we suffer with him, that we may be also glorified together.” 

    One of the most important and least understood roles of the Holy Spirit is communicating God’s thoughts to us. Listening to God’s voice is well-documented in Scripture, both in the Old and New Testaments. Adhering to the voice of the Holy Spirit is relational, that is, arising out of a relationship between you and God. It should be something we have a keen interest in doing at all times, especially as Christian couples who yearn for God to bless and guide our families.

    But if you seldom or never hear the whispers of the Spirit, or feel His nudges, you’re missing out on one of the great blessings of your heritage as a child of God. For you and your spouse to hear the voice of the Holy Spirit, you must develop a good foundation by reading the Bible, praying daily, and fasting regularly. Without such spiritual security, you’re missing out on one of the greatest spiritual warfare tools, an instant message from headquarters (heaven) on what the enemy is doing and how to defeat him. Yes! It’s that important for Christian families to hear the voice of the Holy Spirit.

    Listening to God’s voice is a habit of the greatest men and women of faith, and we see many references to this throughout the Old and New Testaments. For example, Peter was in a house in Joppa and had a vision while napping on the roof. When he woke up, Acts 10:19 says, “While Peter thought on the vision, the Spirit said unto him, Behold, three men seek thee.” He went with them, and the first Gentiles heard the gospel, believed, and received the Holy Spirit. 

    And the gospel quickly spread beyond the Jewish and Samaritan worlds into the Roman empire and beyond. All this happened because Peter heard the words of the Holy Spirit and obeyed. This shows that hearing the voice of the Holy Spirit isn’t enough as a couple. You must also learn to obey the words spoken by the Spirit. 

    If God in his majesty has chosen to speak to you, nothing is more important than learning to hear and obey God’s voice! John 10:27 supports this by saying, “My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me.” 

    However, we must be careful with the voices we hear. This is why you two must ask for, receive, and build upon the gifts of the Holy Spirit in your home. When you see your spouse digging into the Word or handling a situation with God’s grace, encourage them. Build them up as they press forward in their relationship with God. 

    1 Corinthians 12:6-10 talks about these gifts, and verse ten says, “To another the working of miracles; to another prophecy; to another discerning of spirits; to another divers kind of tongues; to another the interpretation of tongues.” 

    We must also possess a discerning spirit and recognize the true voice of the Most High God and not fall a victim to the voice of the devil. Satan is a cunning being who will do anything to mislead the true children of God however he can. 1 John 4:1 warns us: “Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God because many false prophets have gone out into the world.”

    There is a biblical account of people possessed by spirits of deception, falsely prophesying: “She continued doing this for many days. But Paul was greatly annoyed and turned and said to the spirit, ‘I command you in the name of Jesus Christ to come out of her!’” (Acts 16:18). We can imagine how many ignorant people must have been led astray by this woman. This is why it’s crucial that couples, who establish and carry on godly generations, should discern the true, powerful voice of the Holy Spirit. 

    Let’s walk through the benefits of couples listening to the Holy Spirit’s voice:

    1. Understanding God’s True Character

    God is trustworthy; He keeps what He has promised. God is kind; He is concerned for us and attentive to our prayers. God is at peace and confident in himself and never intimidated by evil, for He knows He will forever overcome it. The fact that God is omnipresent is another quality he possesses, confirming that God exists simultaneously everywhere. God also isn’t limited by time as humans are; He exists outside our temporal frame of reference.

    David says in Psalm 139:7-8, “Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.” 

    God’s Spirit is everywhere. There is no place you or your family can go where God is not. He is a wise God. According to the Bible, His ways are superior to our ways, and His thoughts are superior to ours. Because we do not possess God’s mind, we cannot fully comprehend why He permits the world to exist as it does. Even though we don’t fully understand everything, we must trust in Him as the good God we know Him to be. Perhaps your husband no longer wishes to attend church or your wife just had a miscarriage. Sin and tragedies exist in a fallen world, and it is up to godly couples to recall God’s kind, faithful nature when fear, hurt, and temptation knock on their doors.

    He is an all-powerful God. God has more power than any other living thing. Isaiah 40:28 says, “The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable.” God’s power allows him to do what He wants.

    God is love. The Bible says that God is love. Love is His quintessence, the essence of who God is. This is why many believers have 1 Corinthians 13 quoted at their weddings. God’s love is so strong and pure that it’s the foundation Christian couples set before entering marriage. 

    He is also righteous and wants us to be without blemish. Genesis 17:1 confirms this by saying, “When Abram was ninety-nine years old, the LORD appeared to Abram and said to him, I am God Almighty; walk before me, and be blameless.” Furthermore, 1 Peter 1:15-16 says, “But as he who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, since it is written, You shall be holy, for I am holy.”

    2. Making Us Aware of God’s Plans and Purposes

    When you both make it a habit to listen to the Spirit of God, He will soon begin to reveal His true purpose for your lives, as individuals and as a couple. This will be evident in the way He directs you and in the spiritual instructions and guidance you both receive from God. Often, when couples pray together and prioritize God’s plan for them, God blesses both husband and wife with the same desires, realizations, and opportunities. 

    3. Growing in Your Personal Relationship with God

    You both become more intimate with God when you always listen to the voice of His Spirit. This is one of the great benefits that accrues when you and your spouse faithfully pay attention to the voice of God.

    Listening to God’s voice allows you to know Him better. John 10:27 says, “My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me, and I give unto them eternal life, and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand.” 

    4. Gaining a Better Understanding of Things You Don’t Know About

    When husband and wife listen to the voice of the Holy Spirit, He will open your eyes and minds to great knowledge and wisdom beyond the imagination. 

    “Call unto me, and I will answer thee, and show thee great and mighty things, which thou knowest not.” Jeremiah 33:3

    Listening to the voice of God heightens your spiritual sensitivity and strengthens your relationship with the Most High, blessing your heavenly and earthly relationships. 

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/pcess609

    Emmanuel Abimbola is a creative freelance writer, blogger, and web designer. He is a devout Christian with an uncompromising faith who hails from Ondo State in Nigeria, West Africa. As a lover of kids, Emmanuel runs a small elementary school in Arigidi, Nigeria.

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  • 6 Ways to Cope with Your Narcissistic Parents This Holiday Season

    6 Ways to Cope with Your Narcissistic Parents This Holiday Season

    If time and finances are available, take some time off before the holidays. Get a massage, a facial, or something else that relaxes you. Find relaxing activities to do before and after the day you see your parents. Adult coloring books, knitting, and crocheting are also great and cheap activities to soothe the mind and relax the body. This will help you cope with the holiday season and all the stress that comes with it. The more relaxed you are, the better you’ll be able to see the situation with your parents clearly. You may find you overreact more than necessary. By allowing your mind to replenish its stress hormones, you will find you will be able to cope with the holidays more easily. 

    6. Resolve Your Emotions

    Sometimes you are reacting to a present event with your parents. But sometimes you’re reacting to unresolved wounds and past hurts that have not been resolved. There are great resources available to help you deal with setting firm boundaries and resolving past hurts so that you can see present events with clarity. Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. Henry Townsend and Emotionally Healthy Spiritually by Pete Scazzero are two great resources to help you with this. There are also additional classes and courses you can take to help you deal specifically with your emotions regarding your parents. Do what you can to forgive past events before you see them. Unresolved emotional wounds can cloud your judgment and make you see things from a skewed perspective. You may never forget what has happened in the past, which you can choose to forgive. God calls us to forgive others of their sins so that we will be forgiven of our sins. 

    Take some time with the Lord and conduct an analysis of your parenting style. Do you find you do things similarly to your parents? As much as we dislike it, we sometimes become more like our parents than we realize. If you identify something you say or do that is similarly hurtful to your children as you have been hurt by your parents, understand that we’re all human. Our parents did the best they could with what they learned from the previous generation. Give them a break and give yourself a break as well. You may find you’re more like your parents than you previously thought.

    The holidays can be stressful regardless of who is around your dinner table. But it can be especially stressful when your parents choose to put themselves first instead of you. Strive to put their needs first, and you will find yourself less frustrated and restore your joy. You may find you have a better holiday than you anticipate when you choose to act the way Jesus wants us to act. 

    Michelle S. Lazurek

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  • Sitting Together in Hard Times

    Sitting Together in Hard Times

    We will all experience challenging times in life. Jesus Himself told us that “in this world you will have trouble” (John 16:33). We have all likely known someone helpful and comforting to have around when we go through those challenging times, and we have all likely known someone who makes the situation harder, despite their intentions. Praying is always good. Bringing a meal or helping with schedules are great tangible ways to care for others. But what about just sitting with someone in their time of need? How can we ensure that we are the type of person who helps others? Who doesn’t make things more difficult? Who provides true comfort and empathy rather than empty words? The way that we are to treat each other during hard times can be summed up in one Bible verse: “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn” (Romans 12:15).

    A Time for Everything

    Often, we want to just make things better, easier, and more understandable. We try to heal wounds that are too fresh to be healed and give explanations to events that may never be understood this side of heaven. We want to avoid the uncomfortable pain and lack of explanation. Platitudes such as “Everything happens for a reason” invoke eye-rolls because they gloss over the pain of being human. It is ok to hurt, to mourn, and to grieve. It’s ok to just say to someone, “I’m sorry you are experiencing this,” or “This is just so terrible.” Ecclesiastes 3 tells us that “there is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: …a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance,…a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,…a time to be silent and a time to speak….” Like Romans 12:15 says, when a friend is mourning, it is time for us to mourn with them.

    Job’s Friends

    The book of Job is often the first place we look when we want to discuss suffering. Job’s friends started on the right track to help him in his pain. “When Job’s three friends, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite, heard about all the troubles that had come upon him, they set out from their homes and met together by agreement to go and sympathize with him and comfort him.  When they saw him from a distance, they could hardly recognize him; they began to weep aloud, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads.  Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him because they saw how great his suffering was” Job 2:11-13). What a beautiful friendship! They showed up and mourned together. They were hurt for their friend, and they loved him simply by being by his side. 

    But then they started talking. They gave lengthy speeches telling Job that he must have done something wrong, attempting to explain God’s actions. This provided no comfort at all to Job. In fact, it upset him even more. In Job 16:2-5, Job responds to his friends, “I have heard many things like these; you are miserable comforters, all of you! Will your long-winded speeches never end? What ails you that you keep on arguing? I also could speak like you, if you were in my place; I could make fine speeches against you and shake my head at you. But my mouth would encourage you; comfort from my lips would bring you relief.” 

    Not only did their words cause more hurt to Job, but in trying to provide answers on behalf of God, they were just wrong. As the Lord said, in Job 42:7 “to Eliphaz the Temanite, ‘I am angry with you and your two friends, because you have not spoken the truth about Me, as my servant Job has.” We do not know the inner workings of the spiritual realm. We do not know why terrible things happen other than that we live in a fallen world. We don’t have to know it all because God does! “Of the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable His judgments, and His paths beyond tracing out! Who has known the mind of the Lord? Or who has been His counselor?” (Romans 11:33-34). We should not offer words of explanation on God’s behalf because we are not capable of such knowledge. “Those who guard their mouths and their tongues keep themselves from calamity” (Proverbs 21:23). 

    What to Do 

    When we do not know what to say to our friends or what to pray about their situation, we take comfort in the knowledge that these circumstances are not a surprise to God and not beyond His almighty power. Romans 8:26 guides us in how to pray, telling us that “the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.” Sitting quietly with someone provides more comfort than empty words. The power of silence and stillness are sprinkled throughout Scripture. “The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still” (Exodus 14:14). “Be still and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10). “The one who has knowledge uses words with restraint, and whoever has understanding is even-tempered. Even fools are thought wise if they keep silent, and discerning if they hold their tongues” (Proverbs 17:27-28). The Lord appeared to Elijah in a gentle whisper (1 Kings 19:11-13).

    While we do not need to fill the space with lengthy speeches or attempted explanations, or empty platitudes, we can rest in the truth that we are equipped to provide comfort. “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God” (2 Corinthians 1:3-6). 

    The Good Samaritan 

    In Luke 10:25-37, we read the story of the good Samaritan. Jesus tells a story of a man walking along the road when he was robbed, beaten, and left for dead. A couple of people see him on the side of the road and just keep going about their business. Then a man from Samaria takes pity on him. “He went to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he put the man on his own donkey, brought him to an inn and took care of him” (v. 34).

    This dramatic example of caring for someone supports what John writes in 1 John 3:18: “Dear children, let us not love with words or speech, but in action and in truth.” When the time comes for us to love others through their challenging times, may we be people who “carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2). May we be people who love with fewer words and more actions. 

    Photo Credit: ©Unsplash/Remi Walle

    Megan Moore is a military spouse and mom of 3 (through birth and adoption). A speech-language pathologist by training, she now spends her time moving around the country every couple of years. She is passionate about special needs, adoption, and ice cream.

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  • 3 Truths We Can Learn from Jacob and Rachel’s Relationship

    3 Truths We Can Learn from Jacob and Rachel’s Relationship

    Jacob and Rachel’s relationship, though reveled in as the finest biblical romance, endured many difficulties. Jacob worked seven years for Rachel’s hand. When the seven years ended, Jacob was ready to marry Rachel, yet Rachel’s father, Laban, tricked Jacob and gave him Leah (Rachel’s sister) instead. This caused Jacob to work seven more years to marry Rachel. Rachel and Leah became Jacob’s wives, but Jacob always preferred Rachel. 

    This biblical soap opera showcases three truths we can learn from Jacob and Rachel’s relationship:

    1. Favoritism Is Wrong

    The Bible states Jacob loved Rachel more than Leah: “his love for Rachel was greater than his love for Leah. And he worked for Laban another seven years” (Genesis 29:30b). Yet, the Bible tells us directly, “My brothers and sisters, believers in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ must not show favoritism” (James 2:1). Jacob showed favoritism in his relationship with Rachel, though he was married to both sisters.

    God never wants us to show favoritism in any of our human relationships. While polygamy is wrong, Jacob shouldn’t have shown favoritism between the two. Due to his blatant favoritism, we see bitterness creep up in Leah’s heart. Naturally, she begins to doubt her worth while living in Rachel’s shadow. 

    In our own relationships, we should only have one partner, and we should not express favoritism. Often in relationships, partners can compare their current partner with a past partner or even show favoritism toward a past partner over their current partner. God doesn’t want us to do this. Instead of dividing our interests, we need to focus on one partner, the current partner, rather than comparing them to somebody else.

    In the same way, outside of romantic relationships, we should not show favoritism within the family. Sadly, many parents play favorites with their children, or children play favorites with their parents. Friends play favorites, teachers have their pets, and coaches have their number-one Allstars. As Christians, we never need to play favorites or show favoritism. We need to love all people as Jesus says, “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another” (John 13:34). 

    2. Polygamy Is Wrong

    A second truth we can learn from Jacob and Rachel’s relationship is that polygamy is wrong. As previously mentioned in the first point, Jacob showed favoritism to Rachel over Leah. If an individual has multiple spouses, favoritism is bound to result. This is one of the many reasons why polygamy is wrong. Jacob was married to both Leah and Rachel, but at the beginning of creation, God designed marriage to be between one man and one woman (Genesis 2:24). Anything outside of this goes against God’s design for marriage.

    Polygamy brings many problems into a relationship, as shown throughout Jacob’s relationship with Rachel and Leah. As Christians, we should never endorse polygamy. Simply because it was in the Old Testament doesn’t make it okay. God never tells us polygamy is right. God specifically tells us we should only have one husband or one wife. Polygamy has been accepted by many false belief systems, including the Church of the Latter Day Saints, formally known as the Mormon Church, but this is not biblical, nor are their other doctrines. 

    In our relationships, we must ensure we only have one partner. We should not have multiple husbands or multiple wives. We need to focus on one partner—not multiple partners. Even in the case of dating, a Christian should only date one person at a time. The purpose of dating is to see if the other person will be a potential person to marry. If an individual is dating multiple people, it can cause division, confusion, and a lack of faithfulness. These concerns occurred between Jacob and Rachel and only created tension and hostility. 

    3. Marriage Shouldn’t Be Based on Physical Appearance 

    A third truth we can learn from Jacob and Rachel’s relationship is that marriage should not be based on physical appearance. Rachel was very beautiful, and that made Jacob attracted to her. The Bible tells us, “Leah had weak eyes, but Rachel had a lovely figure and was beautiful” (Genesis 29:17). Since Rachel was beautiful, Jacob loved her more than Leah. Despite Rachel’s physical appearance, we are never told she was a follower of God. In fact, the Bible tells us Rachel took one of her father’s household gods with her when they left (Genesis 31:19,34). 

    Proverbs 31:30 says, “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.” Leah was a woman who loved God and followed Him. She called out to Him in her distress, and He heard her. While Rachel was beautiful on the outside, we are never told she was beautiful on the inside. From God’s eyes, Leah was beautiful because she loved Him, followed Him, and obeyed Him. 

    Marriage should not be based on physical appearance because love is not based on a person’s fleeting features. When you love somebody, it’s because of the character within—not because of how “pretty” or “handsome” they are. Instead, we love those who are kind, caring, and compassionate. It doesn’t matter as much what they look like. Sure, an attractive person is nice to look at, but if we stop and think, most of us would prefer to spend time with someone we genuinely cared about, whose heart and soul was beautiful regardless of their outward appearance.

    Regarding relationships, we must love others because we value them as a person created in God’s image—not just because they look attractive on the outside. When you are in a relationship, try to focus more on the inner beauty of the individual rather than their outward looks. The Apostle Peter tells us, “Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight” (1 Peter 3:3-4). 

    Relationships need to be built upon God and a biblical definition of love. Christians should not have a relationship with those who don’t know God, nor should we have relationships outside the confines of biblical love. It is highly plausible that Jacob and Rachel’s relationship was built on lust instead of real love. In our relationships, we must ensure they are built upon God, His Word, and true sacrificial love. 

    The world has mixed the definition of love and lust to be the same, yet they are opposites. Lust does not last, but love does. Jesus warns us against lust, “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:28). As demonstrated by Jesus’ words, lust is not a good thing as it leads to discontentment, comparison, and sexual sin (both in the mind, heart, and body). For a relationship to last, romantic or not, it must be built on the foundation of God’s great, sacrificial love for us. 

    While Jacob and Rachel are well known in the study of theology, their relationship had many difficulties, which God wants us to avoid. We can learn from Jacob and Rachel’s relationship that we should not show favoritism, practice polygamy, or base marriage on physical appearance. If we understand these truths and apply them, it will help us in our own relationships. God wants us to have healthy relationships built in true, life-giving love. 

    Photo Credit: ©Pexels/Frans Van Heerden

    Vivian Bricker loves Jesus, studying the Word of God, and helping others in their walk with Christ. She has earned a Bachelor of Arts and Master’s degree in Christian Ministry with a deep academic emphasis in theology. Her favorite things to do are spending time with her family and friends, reading, and spending time outside. When she is not writing, she is embarking on other adventures.

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  • An Open Letter to the Boy I Was Told Didn’t Exist

    An Open Letter to the Boy I Was Told Didn’t Exist

    Thank You for Proving Them Wrong  

    First, I want to thank you for proving them wrong. I can’t tell you how many times I was told what I was looking for “just doesn’t exist.” There were moments where I almost threw in the towel and settled for second-rate as I started listening to those who told me I didn’t have to lower my standards, just make them more “realistic.” Yet, you are the most realistic and fairytale-like man I have ever met.  

    Thank You for Teaching Me How to Love

    Second, I want to thank you for teaching me how to love. I had always been taught that a man should love a woman the way Christ loves the Church, but I never knew that by loving you, I would learn of the faithfulness, gentleness, patience, and compassion of our Father.  

    In this world, love is transactional. You give to get, and if the relationship isn’t beneficial one hundred percent of the time, you get left. You’ve taught me that bad days or weeks, or months are okay to have. You have shown me that love does not hinge on performance or what a person can give another person. Instead, it solidifies itself into the deepest, most secretive places of our hearts. It tears down walls to build castles. It fights nightmares to encourage dreams. And it grows roots so that storms can’t blow it away or tear it down. You have shown me that true love, the kind of love that stays, can only originate from the Father. Then, we can share it with others.  

    Thank You for Being My Friend 

    Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would find a man who would not only give me roses and willingly listen to my Taylor Swift fan-girl sessions but would double as a best friend. You sit for hours and listen to me ramble on about life’s drama. You participate in spa nights with me (sometimes un-begrudgingly) when you know I’m not feeling my best. You encourage me to take risks and put myself out there, all while cheering for me in the background. You’re a confidant and lifeline that I only ever prayed would exist.  

    I Am So Proud of You  

    I also want you to know that I am proud of you. This world is a cruel place. It tears down dreams and runs over those who don’t uphold its sinful standards. Yet somehow, I have seen you walk into the dark parts of this world and let your light shine on those who inhabit the darkness. You never impose judgment, nor do you carry yourself in a boastful manner. You simply walk up to those who are hurting and offer a hand. You reflect the kindness of Jesus so well every day.  

    Your kindness is something that I have grown to anticipate in every area. No matter how small the gesture or large the inconvenience, you never fail to show others that they have value. You never stop fighting to fill the void of loneliness and misdirection in this world with Jesus’ love. I will forever be proud of who you are and honored to stand by your side. 

    I Will Always Be Your Biggest Fan  

    I want you to know that on the days you feel torn down, I will still be cheering you on.  When life seems to have no direction, you can always come to me. I know the best and the worst parts of you. So on the days everyone else gets to see the best of you, I will be there in the crowd of smiling faces. I will be the one cheering the loudest and beaming the brightest.  And on the days that everyone sees the worst, I’ll stand in front of you, making sure that no one gets to harm the heart that I have come to know and love so well. I will take the harsh words or sentiments, so you don’t have to. I will always cheer for you, love you, and support you no matter what.  

    I want you to dream big

    I want to remind you of how capable and wise you are. You have a tenacity for the things that fill you with passion and a tendency to solve rather complicated issues. I believe in you more than anything, and I want you to remember that God is always on your side. There is so little that is in our control, but there is nothing that is out of God’s. Pray big and dream big because I believe our God has big plans for you. I believe He is going to use you in ways that you never thought possible and that are too large for you to fathom right now. Don’t sell yourself short, and don’t put God in a box. Dream the big dream, do the hard work, and then trust that God will take you the rest of the way right into His plan for you.  

    Thank you for helping me trust  

    When we met, I told you it would take me a long time to trust you fully. In all honesty, I expected that to offend you, at the very least. You were not the reason for my lack of trust, but you were the one who was being hurt nay it. Yet, you looked at me with eyes full of compassion and told me that it was okay to be guarded. You insisted that you would show me rather than tell me that I could trust you. As usual, you held strong to your word and slowly taught me that true and pure trust is a beautiful thing that I shouldn’t shy away from but welcome into my life.  

    I love you

    Lastly, I just want you to know that I love you. You are the prince I sang with  Sleeping Beauty as a little girl. You are the friend I lacked in elementary school. You are the crush that I daydreamed about finding in middle school. You are the confidence boost that I  craved in high school. You are the dream come true that I met in college. You are my answered prayer. And you most definitely exist. 

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/monkeybusinessimages

    Olivia Lauren is a graduate student passionate about Scripture, particularly the Book of Romans showcasing God’s grace. Outside her studies, she enjoys teaching her dog new tricks and finding quicker ways to silence the smoke alarm after trying a new recipe. 

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  • 3 Things to Remember if a Loved One Committed Suicide

    3 Things to Remember if a Loved One Committed Suicide

    Today would have been my dear friend’s 28th birthday, and this year, I would have told her happy birthday. I wouldn’t have forgotten to tell her how grateful I was that she graced this world with another year of her laughter and rich kindness. 

    But I forgot last year. 

    And only a few days later, she took her life. 

    I got the text around 5 a.m. relaying the dreadful news. I reread the message repeatedly, afraid that if I put down my phone and peeled my eyes off the words, I would have to accept them. I would have to process and replay that I had missed her birthday (though she hadn’t missed mine). I would be forced to count the times I thought about checking in on her and her baby girls and didn’t. Why didn’t I? Because my schedule and my to-do lists somehow always seemed more important. 

    My shame quickly stepped in and took grief for a torturous twist. I wept bitterly. I mourned not only her loss but the newfound reality that I wasn’t there for her as I should have been. 

    If you had checked on her when she shared that post about anxiety, she might have opened up to you. Maybe she would’ve gotten help or found hope. 

    Some big, bad, holy-rolling mental health advocate you are, huh? You don’t mind chatting about mental health and faith to recruit social media followers, but where were these conversations when your dear friend was wading through her darkest days? 

    Where were you? 

    What kind of friend were you?

    Can you even call yourself her friend? 

    Like a brutal broken record, these piercing thoughts replayed, hollowing my heart day and night. Shame’s salvos were relentless, offering no sign of light, life, or hope. 

    Nonetheless, at some point, I had to move on. I had to accept reality and press forward. But how? 

    It took time, and it continues to take time as I navigate grief without shame suffocating my journey, but I would like to share three things you should remember when a loved one commits suicide. 

    I pray these three things aid your healing: 

    1. You Aren’t Responsible

    You aren’t responsible for another person’s decisions. You are called to love them well, to support and encourage them and even call out their unhealthy choices, but you weren’t granted control over them for rightful reasons. Love is freeing. It cares so deeply about someone that it steps back and allows them to make their own choices. 

    After all, Jesus doesn’t force us to accept Him. Though He knows the agonizing consequences if we don’t, He still lets us choose. Why? Love isn’t love if it’s forced. At that point, it’s watered down to manipulation. 

    1 Corinthians 13:8 tells us, “Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease.”

    In other words, no matter what we know—no matter how aware we are of the danger of our loved one’s decisions—love doesn’t steal freedom from another. 

    It wasn’t and isn’t your responsibility to dictate another person’s decisions, and by allowing them the freedom to live their own lives, you are free of the consequences of their actions. 

    Does this mean if a friend mentions suicide, you should side-step their troubles and let them “make the decision” to take their life? No, no, no! But does recognizing a loved one’s freedom make grieving their suicide any easier? Yes, with time. As the adrenaline subsides, emotions find a healthier rhythm, and your mind recalls the truth, you can slowly see that you aren’t required to carry out the burden of the consequences of their decision.

    Remember that love is freeing–for both parties. 

    2. Your Love Was Enough

    I’ll repeat: your love was enough. 

    So often, we tally up the ways we failed that person. We recall the times we didn’t check in on them, follow through with coffee plans, or care enough to ask hard questions that might have made them upset but saved their life. 

    What if I had only pushed harder? Asked more? Kept my word? Stayed faithful to the schedule? Prioritized our time better? 

    What if my love wasn’t enough to make them know they mattered? 

    What if? 

    What if? 

    What if? 

    As a young girl battling Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, I became well-acquainted with this hounding, two-word question. My mom always countered, “Remind yourself that what-ifs don’t matter. Tell your mind that.” I did and still do tell my mind that what-ifs don’t matter, but often, my mind doesn’t take its own advice. 

    Yet, at some point, we must be brave enough to answer our what-if questions, tell them they don’t matter, and walk away from their death grip. You see, what-ifs don’t hold the keys to your shackles. You do. What-ifs only have the control you permit. 

    And regardless of whether or not you question if your love was enough, no matter how often you wonder what would have happened if you had loved them “better,” carrying such shame won’t heal anyone. 

    It won’t restore their life. But it will destroy yours. 

    Don’t give what-ifs such power. Don’t allow yourself to second guess if your love was enough. 

    I’ll answer this one for you: your love was more than enough. 

    Rest in that today. 

    3. Grief Is Allowed to be Messy

    Bottling up grief always leads to an unhealthy explosion. And heaven forbid you unleash its detonating blow on someone who didn’t deserve the bitterness, anger, and deep hurt swelled in your exhausted, heavy soul. 

    Remember that grief is allowed to be messy. Healthy grief is not linear. It’s up and down, in and out, here then there, hiding, then in plain sight. It’s not limited to certain times and locations but has its own schedule that infiltrates everything we see, smell, touch, hear, feel, think, remember, etc. 

    I challenge you to face your grief and allow it to have a place on your journey. It can come along for the messy, bumpy ride. In fact, you can introduce your grief to trusted Christian mentors, counselors, and close friends and family. I encourage you to welcome grief to sit at your table as you have healthy conversations to process what has happened to you. 

    Let grief be part of your healing journey. 

    But remember, shame isn’t allowed on this trip. There is no hope, light, or life at the end of shame’s sick games. It promises no peace, resolution, or healthy survival tactics. It wants you to feel guilty when you haven’t “defeated” grief, but I am here to say: grief never really leaves us. When we love someone, they stay with us, and their absence is forever present. It’s almost tangible in a loud, surreal way. 

    You are allowed to grieve. But you aren’t allowed to let shame control your story if you ever want to find peace and lay the what-if questions to rest.

    I’m on this journey with you. I’m paddling alongside you. You might see me cry. You’ll certainly hear me mention my dear friend’s name. But promise me you’ll call me out when shame takes the stern. 

    And if you’ll allow me, I’ll call you out too. 

    That’s the only way we heal together. 

    For more on my story of navigating grief following my dear friend’s suicide, check out my latest book: Tired, Hungry, & Kinda Faithful, Where Exhaustion & Exile Meet God.

    Related Resource:

    Jeremy Stalnecker seeks to help his podcast listeners answer one of the toughest questions we all face: “How do I move forward when my world is falling apart?” You can listen to every episode of March or Die for FREE on LifeAudio, or listen to an episode right now by clicking the play button below:

    Photo Credit: ©Raychan/Unsplash

    Peyton Garland is an author and coffee shop hopper who loves helping others find beauty from ashes despite OCD, burned bridges, and perfectionism. Follow her on Instagram @peytonmgarland and check out her latest book, Tired, Hungry, & Kinda Faithful, Where Exhaustion and Exile Meet God, to discover how your cup can overflow, even in dry seasons. 

    Peyton Garland

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  • 5 Christlike Ways to Handle Disagreements

    5 Christlike Ways to Handle Disagreements

    In life, there will always be conflict. No matter how much we try to avoid it, there will always be people who share different opinions than we do. If both parties are passionate about their opinions, believing each is correct, this results in conflict. Christians often avoid conflict because they think it’s not Christlike. They believe it’s not being gracious by asserting themselves or their opinions on others. Christians also fear not being liked. Jesus embodied grace, but he also set firm boundaries with others, especially those who did not want to put God and his will first in their lives. 

    Handle Conflict in a Christlike Manner

    Consider the rich young ruler. Mark 10:21-22 says, “Looking at him, Jesus showed love to him and said to him, “One thing you lack: go and sell all you possess and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me.”  But he was deeply dismayed by these words, and he went away grieving; for he was one who owned much property.” 

    Jesus did not run after the man; he allowed him to make his own choices. Jesus rooted his identity in his father, and being right was not on his agenda. He came to do the work of his father on earth, and he often paid the price of rejection and persecution (and ultimately death) because of it. In the same way, being Christlike does not mean being liked or not being assertive. Certain situations require us to set firm boundaries against people who may hinder our spiritual growth. This often results in conflict. Although all conflicts in our lives may never be fully resolved, we are called to deal with them as Christlike as possible. 

    Here are six Christlike ways to handle disagreements:

    1. Pray About It

    When we disagree with someone, the first thing we can do is pray. Give God the situation. Pray for the person with whom you are in conflict. Ask the Lord to speak and reveal to you anything you need to know about the situation that you may not know already. Ask the Lord to show you anything about the person you may need to know. Reflect on their story—their background, childhood, and current standing with your local church body. Ask the Lord to soften your heart towards that person. During the disagreement, you may have said things that attacked their character, and they may have done the same. Redeem this behavior by confessing your sin to God. Offer an apology to the other party. They may or may not accept it, but you have taken the first step toward resolving the conflict in a Christlike manner.

    2. Bite Your Tongue

    In the heat of the moment, it is easy to use hurtful words and harsh comments to win the argument or to protect yourself from further rejection. Yet, when Jesus was on trial and falsely accused, he did not snap back with a quick comment or a word of knowledge about their lives. He instead remained silent, knowing that the ultimate judge had already found him not guilty. 

    When our identities are rooted in Christ, the rejection of others is secondary to our standing with God. If we can remain blameless in a situation before God, we have already won the argument, regardless of whether we have come to a timely resolution. Ephesians 4:29 says, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” Seek always to build others up rather than tear them down. We will not be perfect at this, yet striving to put others first even in the heat of conflict reflects Christlike character.

    God’s will is for all people to be at peace. Paul writes about this in several of his letters to his churches. Since the church is the Bride of Christ, its members are our brothers and sisters. With so many opinions, we are bound to conflict with one another at some point. But it is how we resolve the conflict that counts. Be the first to offer a sincere apology to the other party. Practice active listening by listening to their point of view without asserting yours. When the other party is finished speaking, state your position again. Ask if they can see it from your perspective. Sometimes a shift in perspective can help us truly understand the situation from another point of view. 

    3. Forgive Always

    Forgiveness is perhaps the hardest part of conflict because the other party might offer an apology, but trust has not been achieved. Therefore, you may be suspicious if they might repeat the action again. Scripture is clear that if we do not forgive others, God will not forgive us of our sins. We must understand that forgiveness is a process. It is a result of processing through tough emotions and resolving them in a way that cultivates Christlike character. When we seek to forgive others even when we feel they don’t deserve it, we are becoming more like Christ because Jesus died on the cross, taking on the world’s sins but having committed no sin himself. The other party may not forgive you, but that is no excuse for you not to seek forgiveness. We are obligated as Christians to forgive one another, regardless of the other party’s response.

    4. Pinpoint the Underlying Needs

    In the heat of the moment, it is easy to argue about the conflict at hand. This may result from a current situation where the two of you are entangled. Yet, the emotional response to the conflict may have nothing to do with you. If this is someone you know personally, recall what you have observed in their lives. Is there any unresolved trauma or other wounds from the past that may be interfering with your current conflict? Sometimes people seek justice in this current situation because they did not receive justice for a past injury or victimization. If this is the case, kindly state what you believe to be true and see if there’s a grain of truth to it. If there is, help them seek to resolve the previous pain so that pain does not interfere with your relationship today. By doing so, you will not only seek to resolve the conflict peacefully, but you may gain a true friend in the process.

    5. Wish Them Well

    Paul and Barnabas had such a sharp disagreement that they had to part ways: “Barnabas wanted to take John, also called Mark, with them, but Paul did not think it wise to take him, because he had deserted them in Pamphylia and had not continued with them in the work. They had such a sharp disagreement that they parted company. Barnabas took Mark and sailed for Cyprus, but Paul chose Silas and left, commended by the believers to the grace of the Lord” (Acts 15:37-40). Scripture never says whether that conflict was resolved. While we may wish every conflict in which we are embroiled comes to a peaceful agreement, that’s not always the case. 

    Seek reconciliation and peace as much as possible. We can live at peace with someone and not be in conflict with them. Yet that conflict was not completely resolved. Romans 12:18 says, “as it stands with you, live at peace with all men.” Despite our passionate position and extension of grace, we may never resolve every conflict in our lives. Process any unresolved emotions or pain from the incident. Live at peace with yourself and accept that you may never be in a relationship with that person again. If reconciliation cannot be achieved, wish them well and pray for God’s blessing over their lives. 

    Conflict is always difficult. No one likes to be involved in conflict with others. But it is a necessary element of living with other people. Do your best to seek resolution and reconciliation with others. It may not always be possible, but peace and the Christlike character that results is always a guaranteed outcome.

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/Prostock-Studio

    Michelle S. Lazurek is a multi-genre award-winning author, speaker, pastor’s wife, and mother. She is a literary agent for Wordwise Media Services and a certified writing coach. Her new children’s book Who God Wants Me to Be encourages girls to discover God’s plan for their careers. When not working, she enjoys sipping a Starbucks latte, collecting 80s memorabilia, and spending time with her family and her crazy dog. For more info, please visit her website www.michellelazurek.com.

    Michelle S. Lazurek

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  • Titus 2: Woman-to-Woman Discipleship

    Titus 2: Woman-to-Woman Discipleship

    Women have become a highlighted topic not just within the culture but in the church as well. There is one discussion that is lacking in the church when it comes to women: discipleship. 

    A healthy implemented discipleship program is the marker of a healthy church. 

    Discipleship is intentional in building not only relationships but addressing spiritual health areas that sermons cannot. This is essential to spiritual growth. It is so important, in fact, that teaching is part of the Great Commission in Matthew 28:

    “Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.” Matthew 28:19-20

    Woman-to-woman discipleship is crucial to the Body of Christ. It is vital to the health of a female believer in their walk. 

    Men cannot speak into the lives of a woman in the way another woman can. 

    Paul’s Teaching

    Titus 2 is the model for woman-to-woman discipleship within the church. Paul is writing to Titus in Crete, where he was left to help set up and equip the newly established church. A great deal of the letter focuses on the health of the church and the roles of leadership. 

    Paul was likely either addressing issues that the church was facing by giving specific instruction to Titus on how to teach and appoint the church’s leaders. 

    Within Titus 2, there is instruction specific to women regarding discipleship. In a way, it is descriptive of the discipleship life cycle of the church. 

    Looking at the full passage, it speaks to men and women equally, but we can note the special instruction for women specifically:

    “But as for you, teach what accords with sound doctrine. Older men are to be sober-minded, dignified, self-controlled, sound in faith, in love, and in steadfastness. Older women, likewise, are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.” Titus 2:1-5

    There is specific behavior from older women that should be present if they are to teach younger women. 

    Reverent in their behavior – For a woman to disciple another woman well, she must lead by example. She is to be a woman seeking to walk holy as God is holy. The phrase I use often is that she must be a woman who practices what she preaches to other women. Older women are to live out the example of spiritual maturity.

    Not slanderers – Unfortunately, women are known for gossip. Our words matter to God. What we say about others has a great impact. Women who are seeking to disciple, just like I said before, should be the example. Their words should be as reverent as their behavior. 

    Not slaves to much wine – Being a slave to wine will directly affect your behavior. If we are to guard our hearts against sin, we must put off what can cause us to stumble. 

    To teach what is good – Women and men are called to teach sound doctrine and the scriptures and to point to the gospel in all things. They cannot teach what is good if they do not know what is good. Older women should be trained to disciple younger women. This is what I call the life cycle of discipleship. Older women train younger women. Younger women will become older women, and the cycle will continue. 

    What Are Older Women to Teach?

    What exactly are older women called to teach younger women? We know they are to teach sound doctrine and what is good, but there are specific areas where only a woman can speak into the life of another woman:

    To love their husbands – Older women who are experienced in marriage can speak to the areas of marriage where a woman may struggle. They can encourage and even reprove where needed. Older women can give knowledgeable advice when it comes to marriage. This doesn’t mean you must be married for fifty years to qualify. To a newlywed in her twenties, I am an older woman who has been married for sixteen years. (There will always be a woman younger than you). 

    To love their children – This could look twofold. While older women should encourage younger women to love and care for their young ones at home, they should be encouraged to disciple their children. Those we love should be our priority for discipleship. Mothers are the first line of gospel truth in the lives of their children. 

    To be self-controlled – Self-control is a skill refined over the course of our lives. It is one that we often must be reminded of daily. For a young woman, self-control often comes in battling selfish desires or even dealing with disappointment. Older women can help be a constant reminder of what really matters in our day-to-day lives as believers. 

    To be pure – We are to be pure, chaste, and holy women. One of the main things we should be doing as believers is pursuing holiness. It is a day-by-day action of walking holy as God is holy, and we are to be encouraging one another to pursue holiness. 

    Working at home – There are many places within scripture indicating that women are the managers of the home. Women handle the day-to-day activities of the home, delegate tasks, and even control the emotional temperature of their homes. Women have a great deal of control over the home and should be encouraged to embrace the task with grace rather than resentment. 

    To be kind–- All believers should be marked by kindness, not just women. 

    To be submissive to their own husbands – The word submission leaves a bitter taste in the mouth. However, wives are called to be submissive to their husbands. They are not to be submissive to abuse or to be lorded over. Just as a wife is instructed to submit to the leadership of her husband, so her husband must submit to the leadership of the Lord. In the case of discipleship, older women can instruct in what submission is and is not. Older women can also be the first line of defense in abuse that may be taking place within the home. 

    The end result ensures that the Word of God is not “reviled.” According to Webster’s Dictionary, the word reviled means to criticize, abuse, or angrily insult. Proper discipleship leads to a proper attitude towards God’s Word. It protects believers from erring and guides them in how to walk rightly.

    All these things are written so that we may know God and honor Him with our lives.

    Related Resource – FREE Discipleship Podcast for Women!

    Check out Coffee and Bible Times – a podcast for Christian women to be encouraged and grow in their faith. Ashley, Taylor, and Mentor Mama are founders of the Coffee and Bible Time ministry. Their passion is to help inspire people to delight in God’s Word. Listen to every episode on LifeAudio.com, or click the play button below to listen to an episode right now!

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/monkeybusinessimages

    Michelle Rabon is a wife and homeschooling mom of three who feels called to help women thrive in their walk with Jesus every day. In 2012, she started Displaying Grace, a ministry that is focused on helping women engage with God’s Word. Michelle has also served in women’s ministry for the past five years seeking to equip women in the local church through Bible study. When she is not writing or teaching, she enjoys reading, being close to the ocean, and drinking a lot of coffee.

    Michelle Rabon

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