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Tag: spoof

  • MTG Releases New Tell-All Book – Bill Tope, Humor Times

    MTG Releases New Tell-All Book – Bill Tope, Humor Times

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    MTG shovels the dirt on friends and foes alike in new tell-all book.

    Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene (R), representing Georgia’s 6th Congressional district since 2021, has come out with a tell-all book, a memoir of her years of political enlightenment which she states began in 2015, with the escalator ride taken in Trump Tower by future President Donald J. Trump.

    tell-all book, Marjorie Taylor Greene
    MTG counts how many actual facts are in her new tell-all book. Photo by Gage Skidmore, CC BY-SA 2.0.

    In the book, titled I’d Drink His Bathwater: My Loyalty to The Donald, Greene recounts the highlights of her career so far. For example, she promulgates many controversial political (conspiracy) theories, including that the 9/11 2001 attack on the Twin Towers in New York was a so-called inside job, perpetrated by elements of the “deep state.” Greene states the actual perpetrators were not Saudi radicals, but in fact Jews and seminal figures of the nascent Black Lives Matter (BLM) movement.

    Another theory put forth by Greene is that the spate of destructive wildfires which ravaged the Pacific Northwest some five years ago was the work of space lasers manipulated by Rothschild family “bad Jews.” Said Greene: “They’re always up to shit.”

    Still another conspiracy theory she sets forth in detail is that rogue Democrats, also enmeshed in the deep state, operated a cannibalistic child-sex-trafficking ring out of a Washington D.C. pizza parlor. “They wasn’t just puttin’ pepperonis on them pies,” claimed Greene in a post on Twitter. Hillary Clinton, stated Greene, “was the bitch behind this disgraceful episode.”

    Greene, who divorced her husband of more than 30 years in 2022, has been linked romantically in the tabloids with former President Donald J. Trump. When Trump was temporarily incarcerated in Fulton County, Georgia last year, to have his mug shot and fingerprints taken, Greene allegedly had a conjugal visit with the ex-president. Trump reportedly said that if such interludes continued to occur, then he’d “be happy to spend more time in the clink.”

    MTG’s political career has been a mixed bag. Although she was stripped of her committee assignments during her first term, due to imprudent public remarks and posts on social platforms, Greene. a fast friend of former Speaker Kevin McCarthy, has in her second term gained membership on the House Committee on Oversight and Accountability and the House Committee on Homeland Security where, she wrote, she has “consistently raised hell.” She has personally introduced bills to impeach some 40 members of the Biden administration, including all the cabinet members.

    On Jan. 20, 2021, Greene introduced a bill of impeachment against newly-inaugurated President Joe Biden. It was his first day on the job. And she has said that she would move to vacate the Speaker’s chair if new Speaker Mike Johnson managed to pass legislation which would afford military aid to Ukraine, which is involved in an on-going war with Russia.

    “That there’s a territorial dispute,” cried Greene on the House floor, gnashing her teeth. “We got no business helping out them Ukraine Nazis,” she recounted, quoting herself. Greene went on to write that, when Donald Trump is reelected, then “he’ll nuke them sons’o’bitches!”

    Green concludes her tell-all book by looking to the future, a future with Donald J. Trump at America’s helm. “Trump has already had a big effect on my life,” she wrote. Emulating the 45th president, she has taken up golf. She said her low score matches her record at the dead lift — 325.

    “I would,” she quipped on the last page of the memoir, quoting the book’s title, “drink Trump’s bath water.”

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  • Republican Guvs Tell Kids: “Stay Hungry!” – Bill Tope, Humor Times

    Republican Guvs Tell Kids: “Stay Hungry!” – Bill Tope, Humor Times

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    GOP guvs decry welfare and childhood obesity, tell lazy kids to “stay hungry” for success.

    Fifteen Republican governors have said no to participating in a federally funded food assistance program, telling lazy kids to “stay hungry” for success. The program was passed on a bipartisan basis by Congress in 2022 and is designed to provide money ($120 per child) for food purchases during the summer, when children are on break and unable to receive free lunches at school.

    Tom Vilsack, GOP tells kids stay hungry
    Tom Vilsack, Secretary of Agriculture. Photo: U.S. Department of Agriculture, Public Domain.

    Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack said $2.5 billion was allocated in service to 21 million children. Governors gave various reasons for their states’ non-participation.

    Oklahoma Governor Kevin Stitt (R), reached at the governor’s mansion in Oklahoma City, where he was having dinner with his wife, Mary, and their nine children, was cutting into a T-bone steak. “Oklahoma has adequate resources,” he said around a mouthful of medium-rare steak, “and I’m completely satisfied.” He suggested that parents of “so-called hungry kids” plant “victory gardens, like they did in WWII.”

    One of the problems with food availability in the summer months is that of access. According to Prof. Mary Tupper, of Harvard University, just one in six in-need families can obtain food resources due to transportation problems. Florida Governor Ron DeSantis (R), reached on the campaign trail in Lobotomie, IA, said that he’s investigating a program whereby bicycles, with large baskets on the handlebars, will be leased to in-need Floridians for a moderate fee. “This service will NOT be available to transgenders,” the governor noted sharply.

    Iowa Governor Kim Reynolds (R), put forth by some as a likely running mate for the Florida governor, decried “Childhood obesity.” With a shudder she remarked that she’d do nothing to create “ten thousand more fat little Black children” in her state. She added that there weren’t enough “restrictions on food purchases,” and suggested that some parents used food vouchers to obtain “beer, whiskey, lottery tickets, and even cannabis.” Besides, she said, Iowa “is full of restaurants that just throw out perfectly good food every day; it’s up to the parents to be innovative in procuring food for their families.”

    Florida, Georgia, S. Carolina and Wyoming have, in addition to denying increased food assistance, opted out of the Medicaid expansion as well. Noted Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R. GA): “It’s them George Soros Jews behind all this. They’s trying to replace real Americans with fat Black and brown kids!”

    Katie Bergh, a senior policy analyst at a Washington-based research and policy institute, said that pilot programs have shown that this program makes kids healthier and less hungry. It provides more fruits and fresh vegetables for the dinner table. Snarled Rep. Greene: “Vegetables are overrated and I say we have nothing to do with fruits!”

    Nebraska Governor Jim Pillen said simply that he “doesn’t believe in welfare.” When questioned on instances of “corporate welfare” in his state as well as aid to millionaire farmers, he grinned and cackled, “Ya got me!” before calling security to order the press from the executive mansion.

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  • Secret Diary of Melania Trump – S. Daniel Guttman, Humor Times

    Secret Diary of Melania Trump – S. Daniel Guttman, Humor Times

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    “The former first lady has mostly retreated from public view — and steered clear of the campaign trail — while her husband fights to return to the White House and faces increasing legal peril.

    “Since leaving the White House, Melania Trump’s world has gotten smaller. Just how she likes it.”

    As reported by S. Daniel Guttman

    Dear MUCKA, I am meeting with a Donald on Saturday? Oh, yeah, I remember, that Donald.

    Dear MUCKA, Not many people know that MUCKA means “Kitty” in Slovenian. Let’s keep that our little secret, just like my heroine, Anne Frank, kept hers.

    Dear MUCKA, Donald has stored many cardboard boxes at Mar-a-Lago. Some in my closet and some in the bathrooms. Cardboard clashes with my décor and my wardrobe. I wonder what is in them?

    Dear MUCKA, I saw some boxes being moved around sneakily. Maybe that’s why I can’t find my “I really don’t care, do you?” blouse. Who would want to wear that but me? Donald?? No! I don’t think so.

    Dear MUCKA, When I was looking for my blouse, I discovered that there were some war plans in one of the document folders in a box. Fortunately, we are not planning to invade Slovenia. So I was relieved.

    Dear MUCKA, Donald was surprised my parents are living at Trump Tower. He said to me, ”Are they still alive? I haven’t seen them since we got married and maybe not even then.”

    Dear, MUCKA, I don’t believe the E. Jean Carrol accusations. Donald never offers to help me when I shop.

    Dear, MUCKA, Donald asked me to attend a campaign event. That’ll cost him as much as he now owes to E. Jean Carroll.

    Dear MUCKA, I am looking for Universities that Baron can attend. It is difficult to find any that haven’t heard of Donald Trump. I did find one school that had no access to the internet or mainstream media. But it was on a South Pacific Island. I’ll keep trying.

    Dear MUCKA, I’m still upset that Donald didn’t follow-up on my suggestion to change all USA street signs to Slovenian. It will help Americans to learn another language and help me to know where I’m going.

    Dear MUCKA, I just avoided another interview. Whew! Don’t know why the mainstream-media wants my opinions. I don’t want theirs.

    Dear MUCKA, I’m so grateful my modeling career prepared me to be First Lady. Thank God I learned how to walk down a runway sexily in Stilettos. And pout.

    Dear MUCKA, I tried cooking for Donald for the first time in years, but I forgot to take the wrappers off the Big Macs and the smoke from the oven fire was terrible. But on the plus side, he does like them well done.

    Dear MUCKA, I used to be appreciative that Donald chose me from all the women he has grabbed in the Nozinca. Now, I’m less certain.

    Dear MUCKA, I got into a big fight with Donald and he threatened to have me deported. I told him his deporting days are over and reminded him that I know where the bodies are buried, and I dug some of them up.

    Dear MUCKA, I saw that Donald has kept an old basketball shoe from Shaquille O’Neal . I think I will use it as a gravy boat. I wonder what the gravy will taste like?

    Dear MUCKA, I was shocked by the events at the Capital on January 6th. The clothing the well-behaved crowd wore was terrible. No designer labels. No style at all. No wonder they are in trouble.

    Dear MUCKA, I will never wear a MAGA hat. It messes up my hair. Besides, what does it mean anyway? Never heard of the word when I learned English in Modeling School.

    Dear MUCKA, I just interviewed another candidate for my scholarship charity. I was impressed that she got into cosmetology school on the first try. I believe she will have a major impact on the world of eyeliner.

    Dear MUCKA, Uh-oh. I finally got around to reading the pre-nup I signed when I married Donald. It just entitles me to all the pots and pans I can carry in my arms out of Mar-a-Lago in one exit trip. I guess I’ll have to reconsider my filing for divorce.

    Dear MUCKA, Donald was just indicted again. I’m glad he is still in the news. I’m sure he will be very happiest and Be Best.

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  • AI Hoiman: No More Two Party System – Ted Holland, Humor Times

    AI Hoiman: No More Two Party System – Ted Holland, Humor Times

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    Dispatches From SNN (Slobovian News Network)

    The AI candidate Hoiman says we should get rid of political parties altogether.

    Presidential candidate Artificial Ignorance Entity Hoiman says that the American system has ground to a halt because Congress is a joke. Further, Hoiman says today’s political parties are like two three-year-olds fighting over a lollipop.

    Artificial Ignorance Entity Hoiman
    Still from the movie, “A.I. Artificial Intelligence” (2001).

    “It’s time to get rid of political parties and elections as we now know them,” said Hoiman. “Because of the corrupt parties, nothing gets done on the local, state or federal government levels.”

    He states that the political process in the Democratic Republic of Pepperbutte is an improvement over the current US political system. “The people run the government of DRP. There are no political parties, no elections and no professional politicians,” he said.

    Hoiman explained that most Americans are unfamiliar with Pepperbutte. “It has a population of 7 million people and is the world’s largest exporter of organic digital condoms and ass wax,” he said.

    Since there are no political parties in Pepperbutte, citizens are drafted to fill public offices. Those between the ages of 18 and 30 are selected to serve one year in the Pepperbuttean military corps. Taxpayers and property owners between the ages of 30 and 60 are selected to serve on town counsels, state assemblies and the national congress. Once you serve your four year term you cannot serve another term.

    Pepperbutte has no political campaigns and no elections. Mayors, governors and the vice chancellor are picked from within the group draftees.

    This works for Pepperbutte and could work for America, Hoiman says. “I am looking forward to running against and matching wits with Donald Trump,” he added.

    SNN Words to Live By

    “Everything is beautiful in its own way” — Ray Stevens, “Everything is Beautiful,” 1970 song.

    “Don’t confuse feeling good with being good.” — writer James Fixx.

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  • Musk Reinstates Banned Users from X – Bill Tope, Humor Times

    Musk Reinstates Banned Users from X – Bill Tope, Humor Times

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    Social platform reopened to previously banned users, including current and historical figures.

    elon musk reinstates banned users, carries sink.
    Elon Musk, still the funniest guy in his own imagination.

    With the reinstatement of conspiracy theorist Alex Jones’ account on X, platform owner Elon Musk said that was just the beginning; “You ain’t seen nothing yet,” crowed the wealthiest man on the planet, clutching a kitchen sink in his arms.

    Following is the transcript of an address made by Elon Musk himself, to a captive audience of some 10,000 Tesla workers, employed at the Fremont Tesla plant outside San Francisco, CA. They were enjoying their one daily 10-minute work break. At intervals, upon a signal from Telsa brass, they applauded politely.

    I am pleased that my pal Alex Jones showed those towheads at Sandy Hook for what they are — fakers. In the past, the misguided former owners of this platform banned users, including current and historical figures who never have been excluded from the site. I have absolved them, in the interest of fairness, balance, and First Amendment rights. They are:

    Joseph Goebbels: Hitler’s imaginative Minister of Propaganda, Goebbels told the truth about the unutterably evil Jewish vermin. He was right to depict them on film as vile rodents scurrying through ratholes in abandoned buildings. If Goebbels were alive today, he would be in charge of X. He’s my kind of guy, a hard-hitting journalist and an avatar of the social conscience of X.

    Benito Mussolini: Misunderstood Dictator of Italy. A forerunner of the modern fascist movement, Mussolini got a lot of bad press, but he made the damn trains run on time. All the rest are just details.

    James Earl Ray: Convicted killer of civil rights icon Martin Luther King, Jr. Ray was a social scientist and an activist, intent on eliminating what I call the ‘dark influences’ from the American scene. Ray, who perished at 70 in Nashville, TN in 1998, supposedly died from cancer. That was the deep state’s story, but I have double-secret information that it was an inside job, perpetrated by a gang of renegade nigras! I heard this from Alex Jones, so you can take it to the bank.

    Donald J. Trump: The 45th U.S. President was unfairly banned from Twitter two days after the Jan. 6, 2021, so-called insurrection at the U.S. Capitol. President Trump assured me that he had nothing to do with the minor fracas of Jan. 6, and that even if he did, he was president, and so what? I know Trump to be a man of his word, and so I take him at face value. Besides, after next November, when he thrashes old man Biden at the polls, The Donald will be president once more. And I might want a new contract with the Feds.

    Okay, people, your 10 minutes are up; and if you’re late getting back to the lines, I’ll have to dock your pay. Here, somebody carry this sink back to my office.

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  • Trump Selects VP Running Mate – Bill Tope, Humor Times

    Trump Selects VP Running Mate – Bill Tope, Humor Times

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    Following months of media speculation, Donald Trump has selected his 2024 VP running mate.

    After much public conjecture and overt deliberation by the candidate himself, former President Donald J. Trump has selected his 2024 VP running mate.

    Trump selects VP running mate. Photo by Gage Skidmore.
    Photo: Gage Skidmore, flickr.com.

    It was once thought that Trump might select a female vice president, a speculation entailing such GOP luminaries as former U.N. Ambassador Nikki Haley, N. Dakota governor Kristi Noem (“She has the nicest ass,” averred the ex-president), Georgia Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, and even songstress superstar Stefani Germanotta (Lady Maga). Also figuring prominently in the selection process was sex-device entrepreneur Vivek Ramaswamy; Rep. Jim Jordan (R. OH) and high-end evening wear model Governor Ron DeSantis (R. FL).

    Delivering an address at a sweat-shop tennis sneaker factory in Little Rock, Arkansas on Thursday, where 120 children under ten are employed, Trump railed against those RINOS who had in the past supported even the slightest vestiges of industrial trade unions. The ex-president paused in his speech to unexpectedly announce his VP selection: the newly defrocked congressman George Santos (R. NY). The children, who did not speak English, applauded politely.

    “Santos,” boasted Trump, “has has been in Washington for only a brief period, however, he has held positions of immense power even in that short time. He’s told me all about being a Congressman, Secretary of State, a General in the Marines, an Admiral in the Navy, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, and he’s both written and starred in blockbuster movies in Hollywood. This shows his versatility,” said Trump.  The ex-president pointed to Santos’s tenure as Pope as evidence of Santos’s willingness to “theocratize the nation.”

    “Secondly,” Trump went on, “he’s not intimidated by the fake-news, deep-state, mainstream media, like the failing New York Times and morally bankrupt MSNBC.”

    Asked by a Fox News reporter how he accounted for Santos’s auspicious disposition, Trump answered at once: “Because, Santos has literally no shame.” He smiled proudly, noting that this makes Santos an especially appropriate stand-in in the event that Trump himself meets an untimely end.

    “You never know,” said Trump, “I might stop eating again and maybe this time the Speaker won’t drop by.”

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  • Speaker Mike Johnson: Interview – Dean Kaner, Humor Times

    Speaker Mike Johnson: Interview – Dean Kaner, Humor Times

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    Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Republican House Speaker Mike Johnson.

    ANNOUNCER

    Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

    JERRY DUNCAN

    Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. My guest today is Republican House Speaker Mike Johnson from the great state of Louisiana.

    Speaker Mike Johnson by DonkeyHotey
    Speaker Mike Johnson caricature by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com.

    JERRY

    Hi Gomer.

    CONGRESSMAN MIKE JOHNSON

    My name is Mike, Mr. Duncan.

    JERRY

    You and I have something in common. We both live under a rock.

    MIKE

    Golly! Shazam!

    JERRY

    You’re 51 years old. A member of the House since 2016.

    MIKE

    And a proud redneck.

    JERRY

    Mikey. What does it say on the back of every LSU diploma?

    MIKE

    Don’t know.

    JERRY

    Will Work For Food.

    MIKE

    I love a work ethic.

    JERRY

    I’m here to tell the American people the truth. You’re a Trump apologist.

    MIKE

    Save me, Jesus. If that doesn’t work, Moses.

    JERRY

    Not even they can save you. You’re pathetic.

    MIKE

    You hurt my feelings, Mr. Duncan. I feel worse than when my first cousin broke off our engagement.

    JERRY

    Oh, it gets worse. For starters, you were an unplanned pregnancy when your parents were teenagers.

    MIKE

    I know. My mom explained to me when I got older how Burger King knocked up Dairy Queen. He forgot to wrap his whopper.

    MIKE

    Heck. They got divorced anyway.

    JERRY

    You’re an active member of the Christian Right. Support bills to institute a nationwide ban on abortion. Against homosexuality. Tried to get prayer in public schools. Believe in the Great Replacement Theory by spreading hatred that minorities are going to be the majority in the United States.

    MIKE

    Let me stop you there. You realize Mexico won’t have an Olympic team, because everybody that can run, jump, and swim are already in the U.S. Not fair to Mexico.

    JERRY

    You’re prejudice.

    MIKE

    If I’m too open-minded, my brains will fallout. Louisianans worry about that because we all have the same DNA.

    JERRY

    In 2020, you contested the results of the presidential election. Involved with allegations the voting machines were rigged. Claimed massive election fraud.

    MIKE

    Yep.

    JERRY

    Venezuelan software corrupted the machines with votes for Biden?

    MIKE

    Yes sir. Just ask a vaccinated person and an unvaccinated person who won the 2020 election. They’ll tell you.

    JERRY

    Here’s the worst of your convoluted logic. You’re against climate change science, because you say wind and solar energy cause depression and cognitive dysfunction.

    MIKE

    There can’t be climate change. Otherwise, dinosaurs wouldn’t have accompanied Noah on his Ark. It says so in the Book of Ridiculous. Read the Bible.

    JERRY

    Knock, knock.

    MIKE

    Who’s there?

    JERRY

    Forget.

    MIKE

    Forget who?

    JERRY

    Forget you! Speaker Mike Johnson everyone. See you tomorrow.

     

    The Jerry Duncan Show
    (c) Dean B. Kaner

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  • Trump to Become Dictator 'on Day One' – Bill Tope, Humor Times

    Trump to Become Dictator 'on Day One' – Bill Tope, Humor Times

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    Coverage of a Trump Town Hall: Trump vows to “become dictator on day one.”

    by Llib Epot, Conservative Capitol Correspondent

    Meeting with Fox News host Sean Hannity for a live interview in Davenport, Iowa this week, in a runup to the Iowa caucuses, former President Donald J. Trump said with a wide grin that he would “become dictator on day one,” promising to close the border and to “Drill, baby, drill, drill, drill!”

    become dictator
    Trump vows to “become dictator on day one,” says he’d be the “best ever.”

    The studio audience cheered.

    While some observers have expressed concern over Trump’s recent “heated rhetoric,” others have applauded Trump’s suggestion that petty thieves be executed.

    “Shoplifters,” thundered Trump, can “expect to be shot as they leave the store. Shot!” he repeated for emphasis. Trump proposed that a “bounty” on suspected shoplifters be paid, as part of what he called his “Urban Black Laws,” which he said he would sign if it came to his desk upon assuming office.

    The crowd laughed merrily and applauded.

    Trump also mugged for the cameras as he mocked former Speaker Nancy Pelosi for being married “to a hammer head.” He repeated his opinion that one-time Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Mark Milley should be “hanged for treason” because he assured his Chinese counterpart that war was not imminent during the tumultuous last days of the Trump administration.

    When Hannity cautiously asked the ex-president if he was sure he wanted to proceed with sending the general to the gallows, Trump seemed to reconsider and acknowledged that “drawing and quartering him with horses might in fact be preferable.”

    The crowd giggled with rapture.

    Regarding his legal problems, Trump suggested that “death and destruction was in the offing” in the wake of Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg’s indictment of Trump over the ex-president’s alleged hush money payments to a floozy that he allegedly screwed. Trump encouraged “patriots” to “go after” New York State Attorney General Letitia James for prosecuting Trump in a $250 million civil business fraud suit.

    “I’ll pay your attorney fees if you main or kill someone,” he assured the crowd, telling them that he knows more about courtrooms than anyone.

    While Trump’s suggestions of violence and promise to become dictator have received scant attention from the media, other political figures have received inordinate attention: e.g., “Biden’s Dog Bites Secret Service Agent” was page one news in the New York Post and a leading story on Fox News.

    Trump also had something to say about the media. He has vowed to have Comcast Corp., parent company of NBC and MSNBC, investigated for treason. He has suggested a government takeover of the company.

    “Oh day one,” boasted Trump, “I will appoint Steven Miller to take the reins of the company.” Trump has said that MSNBC has no redeeming value, although he would “like to nail MSNBC host Ana Cabrera.”

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  • Former Congressman Joins SNN News – Ted Holland, Humor Times

    Former Congressman Joins SNN News – Ted Holland, Humor Times

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    Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

    Recently dismissed former congressman George Santos has joined SNN, famous for its unique take on world events.

    Recently dismissed from the House of Representatives, former congressman from New York, George Santos, has joined our news network, SNN. Santos will assume the position of Vice President and executive editor of the firm’s Fake News Network.

    former congressman, Photo: Mike Shaheen
    The former congressman promises to report the “undistorted truth.” Photo: Mike Shaheen, flickr.com, CC BY-NC-ND 2.0.

    Santos will oversee SNN’s cadre of dozens of Political and Financial liars, little white liars, whoppertellers, situational liars, flimflam liars, fairytale liars, editorial liars, sports liars, God damn liars and LAMFs. 

    Mr. Santos said of his new position, “This feels like home!”

    SNN Words to Live By

    “Liar liar pants on fire.” — The Castways, Liar Liar, 1965 song.

    “Thou shalt not bear false witness.” — Ten Commandments.

    “Anything is better than lies and deceit.” — Leo Tolstoy.

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  • Kennedy Casts Stones in His Glass House – Bill Tope, Humor Times

    Kennedy Casts Stones in His Glass House – Bill Tope, Humor Times

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    Sen. John Kennedy questioned public health experts on the escalation of gun violence, a bit like throwing stones in a glass house.

    On Tuesday at a Senate hearing on gun violence, Sen. John Kennedy (R-LA) imperiled his own glass house, questioning public health experts on the reason for the escalation of firearm violence.

    John Kennedy glass house
    Sen. John Kennedy (R-LA) asking more dumb questions, casting stones in his own glass house. Photo: C-SPAN, Public Domain.

    He asked Dr. Megan Ranney, a Yale Professor, if the reason that Chicago, Illinois was “the nation’s largest outdoor shooting range” was the existence of “law-abiding citizens owning a gun for protection or perhaps for hunting.”

    He dug at the dirt under his nails with a prodigious Buck knife. “Or,” he asked conversationally, was it due to a “finite, unique set of illegally-armed darkies?”

    Ranney replied that everyone was law-abiding, “until they’re not,” and added that Kennedy’s home-state of Louisiana ranks far above Illinois in gun violence rates. She added that most mass shooters were, in fact, first-offenders and purchased their weapons legally.

    Ranney went on to say that environmental factors, such as urban renewal and creation of green spaces, have been shown to have an effect on rates, decreasing them by as much as 12%.

    Kennedy shook his large head ponderously and dismissed Ranney’s remarks as “word salad.” “I know,” he went on, “that it’s mostly in Democrat cities chock full of nigras where all the gun violence takes place.”

    When Ranney said she’d stake her reputation on her remarks, Kennedy cut her often a second time, saying that Ranney only got to be a Yale professor through “a woke affirmative action program prevalent in the Ivy League.”

    Kennedy then moved to pause the hearing for a “potty break.” He sat back calmly picking his nose.

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  • Kringle Unwraps His Dating Profile – Marilyn Sands, Humor Times

    Kringle Unwraps His Dating Profile – Marilyn Sands, Humor Times

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    Kris Kringle

    Mrs. Claus gives Santa aka Kris Kringle aka BowlFullofJelly a ‘Deck the Halls Pass’!

    It’s true! Santa wants to trade-in the old Mrs for a brand new Better-Half-his-age on-line!

    Kris Kringle wifeKris Kringle wife

    Mrs. Claus says it’s just a phase & his new on-line pics prove it!

    Clara says, ‘What can I do? During sex Mr Kringle calls out all nine reindeer names plus his before he gets to mine: ‘Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Rudolph & Blinzes’!

    Kris KringleKris Kringle

    ‘You know that old saying, ‘There may be snow on the roof, but there’s fire in the furnace’!

    ‘Ha!  Well, our furnace hasn’t worked since…Eisenhower‘!

    ‘With him, there’s always Good News & Bad News: Mr. Wonderful can find the John in the middle of the night…but can’t unbuckle his frigin’ Red Suit in time’!

    ‘He’ll find out you don’t always get what you want & I’ve got millions of Wish Lists here to prove it: Little Johnny wants a Doll, Little Susie wants a Truck & Marilyn Sands wants him to read her funny new book “CAN YOU PEE OUTDOORS?” On-Line Dating Straight Lines found on Amazon’!  

    I’m sorry!  haha

    ‘Lookie, lookie – I found my poor little dear’s Dating Profile in his sock drawer next to his Viagra!  Looks like he has 2 ‘About Me’ lists – one he posted & another in case the first one doesn’t work!

    ‘Help me decide if he’s ‘Naughty or Nice’ & whether I should take him back ‘as is’!

    • JOLLY
    • DRIVE AT NIGHT
    • WORK FROM HOME 364 DAYS A YEAR!
    • DON’T EXERCISE! Okay – get in sleigh, get out of sleigh!
    • WON’T RELOCATE – but know how to stack wood!
    • WHEN I SAY I’M OUT BOWLING – I’m out bowling!
    • ONCE HAD A FLING WITH THE TOOTH FAIRY!
    • LOVE ME SOME LAP DANCES!
    • HAVE KIDS, DON’T WANT KIDS – don’t want your kids!
    • LIKE TO RUN AROUND THE HOUSE NAKED WEARING TINSEL!
    • SMELL LIKE AN ASHTRAY!
    • WILL SHAVE MY BELOVED BEARD OFF IN EXCHANGE FOR – well, a truly benevolent gesture!

    ‘Oh look – my honey has only one deal breaker’!

    ‘He loves me’!

    Kris KringleKris Kringle

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  • Trump Courtroom Drama in Pre-Production – Bill Tope, Humor Times

    Trump Courtroom Drama in Pre-Production – Bill Tope, Humor Times

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    Studios are said to be negotiating with the principals of the New York v. Donald Trump case for the rights to a courtroom drama.

    Columbia Pictures and Castle Rock Entertainment are in discussions regarding a potential courtroom drama with the principals of the State of New York v. Donald Trump fraud case. The ex-president is on trial there for alleged fraudulent business dealings.

    Queen Latifah courtroom drama
    “Queen Latifah would make a great A.G. Letitia James,” says Rob Reiner. Photo by Sister Circle TV, CC BY 3.0.

    Castle Rock and Columbia are the same entities who produced the much-acclaimed film, “A Few Good Men” in 1992. Observers have drawn parallels between the fictional and the real life courtroom dramas.

    Rob Reiner, who directed the original film, is said to interested in the proposed second movie, which is reported to have a budget of $250 million and a working title of “A Few Big Schmucks.”

    The cast has not yet been announced, but Columbia is reportedly in talks with Sean Penn to play the ex-president; Stormy Daniels to portray Ivanka Trump; and the role of New York Attorney General Letitia James, who is prosecuting the case, is reportedly Queen Latifah’s, “if she wants it.”

    Jack Nicholson is interested in playing Trump, citing his starring role in 1980’s “The Shining” as proof of his ability to play deranged characters, but he was dismissed by the former-president out-of-hand as “just too damn old.” Trump is said to prefer Brad Pitt.

    Studio officials are also considering making “A Few Good Schmucks” into a multi-media or hybrid production and portraying Eric and Donald Trump Jr. by cartoon icons Heckle and Jeckle, the yellow-billed magpies. Deliberations are reportedly underway with Terrytoons and CBS.

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  • News Conference: Mike J. Pledges Inaction – Bill Tope, Humor Times

    News Conference: Mike J. Pledges Inaction – Bill Tope, Humor Times

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    In first news conference, new House Speaker promises to do nothing at all unless the IRS stops harassing his rich friends.

    On Thursday, newly-minted House Speaker Mike Johnson (R. LA) held his first formal news conference since assuming the speakership last week. Appearing at Georgetown Dunkin’ Donuts, Johnson met with nearly a score of reporters, all but one of whom worked for Fox News, Breitbart News, or the Drudge Report.

    news conference, Mike Johnson by DonkeyHotey
    Mike Johnson caricature by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com.

    The one exception, Ali Vitali of MSNBC, had her mike turned off when she posed her question, and so she received no response from the speaker.

    In his opening statement, the speaker dusted off a page from FDR, and cited “7 freedoms inherent in American life,” which include freedom from debt; freedom to practice any (Christian) religion; freedom to own, bear, and “righteously use” arms in defense of the border, or against BLM, undocumented immigrants, and homosexual groomers. “And I’m not talking about dog groomers,” he added with a twinkle and his now familiar boyish grin.

    Johnson went on to compare America to a family, noting that there were things that “every family had to do” to survive. He cited “Your weird uncle Eddie,” now too old to take care of himself. He drew parallels between a hypoethetical “Eddie” and Joe Biden, whom Johnson said was “on his last legs, both physically and mentally.”

    He said he looked forward to a good working relationship with the “presidential imposter.” Johnson added that every family must hew to a budget, meaning that not every whim could be catered to. The examples he cited here were Food Stamps, Medicaid, Medicare and Social Security.

    The speaker then segued to questions from the assembled reporters, pausing for just an instant to request more coffee and another donut, which he chewed loudly, with his mouth open.

    When asked his opinion of increased aid to Israel, he said he was a strong proponent of new aid to the beleaguered nation, which is now at war with the terrorist group Hamas. Johnson said that the “Democrat Party” should not turn aid to Israel into a political football by tying it to supplemental aid to Ukraine, which he characterized as a “territorial dispute with our good friend and ally Vladimir Putin.”

    Johnson said he would consider more aid to Ukraine, however, but only if it is offset by the deletion of appropriations to the Internal Revenue Service, whom he said was “conducting a witch-hunt” among “the more civilized classes” of billionaires. “America,” he said, “was built on the back of the wealthy.”

    Johnson was asked if there was “reliable evidence” pointing to reasons to impeach the current president. The speaker replied that he had personally served on the defense team of the president, both times he was impeached, and that in the current political environment he didn’t think a third impeachment of Trump was in the offing.

    Concerning a budget bill, Johnson said he favored a tiered or “laddered continuing resolution,” whereby funds for essential services and purchases could be approved, leaving the rest “for later.” Asked what should be immediately approved, he mentioned the military, congressional salaries, and aid to Israel. When pressed on what might be left for later, he cited “non-essential budgetary items,” such as most entitlements, infrastructure — “because it was a Democrat idea” — and the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, and other so-called health agencies. “Anthony Fauci should be put in jail,” he muttered with some heat, “along with Joe and Hunter Biden.”

    As the news conference wound down, Johnson was asked by Steve Bannon, representing Breitbart News: “If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be and why?” reprising Barbara Walter’s famous query of actress Katherine Hepburn decades ago. Johnson stared thoughtfully into space for a moment, thanked Bannon for the “important but difficult question,” then replied, “Naturally, a White Birch or a White Popular, and I think the reasons are obvious.”

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  • Alcatraz U Unveils Crimecentric Degree – Ted Holland, Humor Times

    Alcatraz U Unveils Crimecentric Degree – Ted Holland, Humor Times

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    Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

    The President of Alcatraz U has introduced an all-new “Crimecentric Degree Program” to advance the careers of its inmates.

    “Anyone can learn to be a criminal,” stated Dr. #427895, President of Alcatraz University.

    Alcatraz
    Home of scenic Alcatraz U. Photo by Don Ramey Logan, CC BY-SA 3.0.

    “In the near future, the well-educated criminal will rule the world. To that end, Alcatraz University is proud to announce that enrollment is now open for our Crimecentric Degree Program. In 18 months, anyone can earn a Master of Criminal Activity Degree,” said the university president.

    Dr. #427895 said the the program contains all the basics of criminal activity. Courses include:

    • How to Steal Anything
    • Criminal Activity for Kids Under 12
    • Basic Stickup Techniques
    • The ABC’s of B&E
    • Carjacking 101
    • The Lost Art of Picking Pockets and Purse Snatching
    • The Art of Shoplifting
    • How to Recruit, Organize and Manage a Smash and Grab Posse
    • Mexican Border Coyote People Smuggling Techniques
    • Drug Cartel Management
    • Basics of Phone Scamming
    • Basics of Online Scamming
    • Shoot anybody, Anytime, Anywhere
    • Fentanyl for Fun and Profit
    • Meth Lab Maintenance
    • Hedge Fund Embezzlement
    • Build Your Own Ponzi Scheme
    • Kidnap Taylor Swift, the Pope, the LA Lakers, etc.
    • The Magic of Criminal Artificial Intelligence

    Dr. #427895 said that enrollment is open to anyone between the ages of 2 to 120. “New inmates welcome… looking at you, Donald Trump!” he said with a wink, adding, “All tuition must be paid in stolen or embezzled funds.”

    Breaking News

    UBSI (Universal Bull Shit Institute) presents Donald Trump with Lifetime Achievement Award

    SNN Words to Live By

    “He who turns the other cheek will get hit with the other fist.” — Comedian Nipsey Russell.

    “Get yourself naked and dig the music.” — Wolfman Jack.

    “When women go wrong, men go right after them.” — Actress Mae West.

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  • New Speaker Interview: Chris Matthews – Bill Tope, Humor Times

    New Speaker Interview: Chris Matthews – Bill Tope, Humor Times

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    Former MSNBC host Chris Matthews interviewed the new Speaker of the House on the nine-hole of Trump’s golf course.

    The new Speaker of the House of Representatives, Mike Johnson (R. LA), sojourned to Mar-a-Lago, former-president Donald J. Trump’s luxury estate in Palm Beach, Florida on Friday, to receive his marching orders. Our correspondent, former MSNBC host Chris Matthews, interviewed the pair at the time of their meeting, which was held at the pin on the nine-hole of the golf course, where Trump had just shot a third mulligan-aided hole-in-one. Trump and Johnson stood close, with the ex-president’s hand resting companionably on Johnson’s neck.

    new speakerThe one-time cable host addressed Johnson. “What,” asked Matthews, “will be your priorities as new Speaker?”
    “I want to clear the former — and still — President of the United States of all the nettlesome charges on which he has been unfairly indicted,” replied Johnson at once.

    “Yes, but what will be your guiding principle in carrying out your job?”

    “To clear the President’s good name,” said Johnson.

    Matthews scowled. “But, what will be the focal point of your leadership?” he persisted. “What is the essence of your message to the House and to the American people, Mr. Speaker.”

    “Of course,” said the new House leader. “I understand your question now. I want to positively stress that, for all intents and purposes, Donald Trump and Jesus Christ are indistinguishable. They are, for all practical purposes, the same. When I get down on my knees to pray at night, I pray to Donald J. Trump,” he added. Matthews rolled his eyes and the interview proceeded.

    “Mr. Speaker, you are judged by your critics — and by your GOP colleagues — to be the most ideologically conservative member of the House. One former congressman referred to you as “Jim Jordan in Drag,”

    “I admire Jim Jordan,” said Johnson, “and I haven’t witnessed him in drag for several years; not since the House New Year’s party back in ’19, so I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

    “You’ve been instrumental in efforts to promote restrictions on a woman’s right to choose,” Matthews pointed out. “Could you encapsulate your position on women’s healthcare?”

    “On that issue, I agree with Justice Thomas,” replied Johnson warmly. “Women’s healthcare is not enumerated in the original Constitution so, fundamentally, it does not exist as a right.”

    “Mr. Speaker, do you still believe that the 2020 election was invalid?”

    Johnson looked sheepish and then he and the ex-president both smirked, but made no reply. Behind them, an entourage of onlookers hooted and hollered.

    What is your view on the Second Amendment?” inquired Matthews next.

    “Again I defer to that Constitutional scholar Justice Thomas, who has stated that he ‘never met a firearm he didn’t like.’ Further, I intend to remove the weapons scanners in the House, which impede members’ right to bear arms. In the new House,” he intoned gravely, “we’ll be locked and loaded.” He smiled engagingly.

    “What is your outlook on the LGBTQ, Black and Muslim communities, Mr. Speaker?”

    “I refer the unwashed to Leviticus 18:22 and 20:13,” replied Johnson. “Transgenderism and homosexuality are abominations!” he declared absolutely. “And the other subcultures you mentioned are only marginally less abominable.”

    “Mr. Trump,” said Matthews, turning to the ex-president, “you supported

    Mike Johnson’s election as Speaker; do you have anything that you’d like to add to the discussion?” Trump moved his hand from Johnson’s neck, but again, said nothing. “Very good, gentlemen,” said Matthews, turning to face the camera and murmuring. “I didn’t even see the president’s lips move.”

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  • Trump Proposes ‘Press the Meat’ Show – Bill Tope, Humor Times

    Trump Proposes ‘Press the Meat’ Show – Bill Tope, Humor Times

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    “Press the Meat” is set to debut in two weeks, and reportedly will feature the ex-president’s wide-ranging sex exploits.

    Former President Donald J. Trump has gone public with a proposal for a programming alternative to NBC’s storied political affairs program, Meet the Press, which has been a Sunday morning mainstay for more than 75 years. Trump will call his new show “Press the Meat,” and it will feature news reports, testimonials and current events concerning the ex-president’s wide-ranging sex life.

    Press the MeatSaid PTM executive produce Tucker Carlson, the show will debut on Dec. 5 which, he said, “is Long Dong Silver’s birthday.” The famed porn star is the person after whom “the Donald has modeled his whole career.” According to Carlson. Trump became associated with Silver during the ex-president’s sexual affair with Stormy Daniels, which never happened.

    Press the Meat will appear on Trump’s platform Truth Social and will be divided into three segments: 1) A Synopsis of all things sexual and manly that Trump has been up to over the previous week; Celebrity Spotlight: a summary of all the “hot, voluptuous, beautiful people that the president has nailed;” and 3) a Studied Comparison of Trump’s sexual organs with the clearly lesser genitalia of his political opponents. (Nikki Haley will be contrasted with Melania).

    Unlike Meet the Press, which is available to viewers at no cost, Press the Meat will require viewers to donate a $100 “love offering” to the coffers of the Trump PAC, which goes to pay for Trump’s attorney fees and political efforts in the 2024 election cycle. Trump tells viewers not to feel bad about the subscription fee because,“The joke is really on the lawyers,” remarked Trump, “because in the end they won’t get paid anyway.”

    Press the Meat will run ads for Trump Enterprises, encompassing such products as Trump Steaks, Trump Steak Knives, Shzitka (Trump Vodka), as well as mentorships at the revamped Trump College for White People (TCWP), an institute of higher learning which opened its doors this month.

    Sign up for Press the Meat today, urges Carlson, because the first hundred thousand subscribers will receive life-size cutouts of the “true size of Trump’s hands.” Non-subscribers will receive two cutouts.

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  • Speakership: Gym Jordan’s Major Fail – Bill Tope, Humor Times

    Speakership: Gym Jordan’s Major Fail – Bill Tope, Humor Times

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    Rep. Jim Jordan fails to gain House Speakership, as the Republican sh*t show rambles on. Rep. Jim Jordan (R. OH) failed in his benighted quest for Speakership of … Read more

    Thanks for reading. Subscribe to our monthly Humor Times magazine here, available worldwide, in print or digital format. Read a Free Sample of the magazine online here, and order a Free Trial (3 issues) here!

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  • Saving Face: 10 Easy Suggestions! – Marilyn Sands, Humor Times

    Saving Face: 10 Easy Suggestions! – Marilyn Sands, Humor Times

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    saving face

    Fights break out in Congress as Jim Jordan tries saving face by ordering a Half-Nelson/Half Baloney on a cute bun!

    saving facesaving face

    TOP 10 EASY SUGGESTIONS for SAVING FACE:

    10.  YOU CAN’T!  Your past proceeds you!

    9.   WRESTLE YOUR WIFE FOR THE ARSENIC!

    Gym JordanGym Jordan

       8.  ADMIT THAT PINOCCHIO IS YOUR FAVORITE DWARF!

    7.   SUCK IT UP & JUST TAKE THAT MEN’S ROOM ATTENDANT’S GIG!

    saving face, wash handssaving face, wash hands

    6.   ENLIST IN THE ISRAELI ARMY!

    5.   REWIND JAN 6TH CAPITOL RIOT VIDEO & THIS TIME WATCH IT WITHOUT POPCORN!

    4.   KISS TRUMP’S RING ONE MORE TIME & WHILE YOU’RE DOWN – CHECK THE OIL!

       3.   WRITE YOUR OWN FRIGGIN’ TOP 10 LIST!

    I am not running out of ideas!  haha

    2.   ASK GIULIANI FOR BEST WHISKEY RECOMMENDATIONS!

    Well, maybe I am!

    AND the #1 ‘Save Face’ Suggestion: 

    ADMIT YOUR REAL PENIS SIZE!

    saving face, penis sizesaving face, penis size

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