Tag: sleep disorders

To live with unmanaged ADHD is to face chaotic fires that threaten to burn our sense of self-efficacy and damage our connection with loved ones, and which we spend so much energy trying to extinguish.

But what we often fail to consider is how these fires are sparked.

Before the consequence of unmanaged ADHD blows up in our faces, there is a long progression of unnoticed action that gradually stokes such a blaze. Unchecked ADHD, then, is more of a slow, silent, invisible flame that heats and bubbles under the surface. Everything may appear smooth on the surface, but the hushed activity below tells a different story.

This quiet simmer is a vast collection of kindling – of distractions, impulsive actions, lack of initiation, and other issues that eventually spark and rage into an inferno — a missed deadline, a failed relationship, a lost job, a failed class. To the person with ADHD, simmers are so easy to ignore or miss altogether. Fires are undeniable.

When the fire erupts, everybody runs wild in a panic, which increases our chances of acting upon the situation. The crisis revs up the brain chemistry that provokes fear, which makes us move and do. We run around in circles trying to extinguish the awful thing, engaging serious damage control. This usually includes saying we’re desperately sorry, groaning to ourselves that yet again we’ve screwed up. Sometimes we hide under a rock.

This is one reason why ADHD is so hard for the larger community to accept. “How can you act like this sometimes but not all the time?” If we were blind, we wouldn’t see some of the time. The consensus among all affected by our fires — parents, teachers, spouses, friends, bosses — is that to prevent the next one, we must remain in freak-out mode because that’s the only thing that will keep us in check.

[Read: To Infinity and Beyond, Powered by Self-Awareness]

The problem, of course, was never the raging fire. That was only the most obvious consequence of the slow-burn of hundreds of small decisions prior to it, when we decided to do the wrong thing at the wrong time, one on top of the other. That is at the heart of what it means to suffer and struggle with ADHD.

Living with ADHD: The Importance of Self-Awareness

The work of preventing these self-defeating fires is more subtle and consistent than a handful of panic episodes, and more fine-tuned to the specific issue with which we struggle. The solution rests on one thing and one thing only: Self-awareness. You can’t change what you don’t see.

It’s hard to learn how to become aware of those subtle, quiet seconds of mis-decision, especially when there’s panic in the room. Awareness is a quieter practice. It prefers to act on a stage of self-compassion, self-honesty, and wanting to change. It involves figuring out how we’re going to help ourselves to notice in the first place. But how do we build awareness when the landscape seems so unknowable, so unmapped?

When people run from fires, nobody slows down to map the area. Self-awareness happens when we have extra bandwidth to catch ourselves deciding to do the wrong thing at the wrong time. These are those classic moments when we decide “just for now” not to study, or when we “just have to” blurt out a secret, or when we decide we’ll put away our coat or the dinner plate “later.”

[Read: 10 Things I Wish the World Knew About ADHD]

It’s true that negative reinforcers are so enticing, and we’ve used them since we were kids. But wouldn’t it be amazing if we could notice when we do the wrong thing at the wrong time without the fire department having to clang its bell next to our ears? That fire department – us or others – works great for fires, but not for lasting, inspired, intentional human change.

How to Build ADHD Self-Awareness

So, how do we build awareness around the decisions we make, especially when they seem to happen reflexively in the background? Bring to the fore in detail an understanding of what happens at the precise moment when we make these decisions. What is the setting? What are we doing? What else is going on? What do we choose to do instead? When will this most likely happen again?

These are the kinds of things we talk about in ADHD coaching, but none of us live in a coaching call forever. These are the tricks and skills we can learn and develop. Learning to become aware might involve visualizing, talking it over with someone or with ourselves, and then asking curious questions about how to put into place support systems to help us pivot and make optimal decisions. The support options are plentiful. It all rests first on building awareness around how ADHD shows up in us.

Then it’s practicing and tweaking so there are fewer, less intense fires — or maybe no flames at all.

How to Be More Self-Aware with ADHD: Next Steps

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I have a pretty cool job.

A few years ago, I was sitting in an office at Velcro International. They needed a creative ad that would persuade their customers to stop calling their product Velcro.

Yes, you read that right.

I learned the product they sell is actually called Hook and Loop, not Velcro. If people kept calling their product Velcro, they could potentially lose their trademark. So they needed to reach millions of people with this habit-breaking message.

After dropping this bombshell, the executives talked for another 15 minutes about legal ramifications, but I was ZONED out. I know that’s a bad thing most of the time, but for my ADHD brain, it was amazing. My wandering went something like this.

Wait, how funny would it be to write an ad that begs people not to call Velcro “Velcro?”

This is a multi-billion-dollar company. We can’t have its lawyers in a stuffy office doing this ad.

This seems like a pretty ridiculous problem. What if we acted like it was a serious problem?

Oh my gosh, remember “We Are the World?” Everyone was so serious, you know, because it was about starvation in Africa. But what if we did an ad with that vibe, but about something that is clearly a first-world problem?

These lawyers could be making fun of themselves. They could be aware that this is, in fact, a ridiculous thing to ask people!

Ooooh, we could use real lawyers!

Oh boy, here come the lyrics….

It was like a brainstorm session inside my own head.

I am very lucky to have co-workers who have seen this happen to me. They explained to the nice lawyers that I had something cooking, so it didn’t seem rude.

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Before I got back to my office, the song was already written in my head. Here’s the final product. (Parental alert: There are some bleeped-out potty words so watch before showing your kids!)

It went viral and got tens of millions of views worldwide.

Still, I know you are probably thinking, “C’mon, Penn. Are you telling me that SPACING OUT sparked the flame of this very good thing?”

Yes, I am. Allow me to explain.

My favorite ADHD doctors are the ones who use creative metaphors to teach me more about my brain. It helps me truly “see” my ADHD. It’s also a fantastic way to explain ADHD to kids.

The Velvet Rope Metaphor

One of my favorite metaphors comes from Dr. Marcy Caldwell of ADDept.org. She was helping me understand how my brain works compared to the neurotypical brain. According to Dr. Caldwell, the neurotypical brain is like a VIP Club with a velvet rope and a bouncer. The bouncer does a great job making sure only elites gain access to the club, while carefully keeping out “less important” partygoers who don’t have a pass. The inside of the club is orderly, a little quieter, and much less cluttered.

The ADHD brain? Well, that is more like Coachella, and everyone gets in! There are countless different sights and noises. Laser lights and fog machines. You can feel the wind and the weather. Sometimes it rains. There are conversations all over the place. You can see, hear, and feel it all; your attention is pulled in countless directions.

[Get This Free Download: Unraveling the Mysteries of Your ADHD Brain]

Our ADHD brains can eventually learn to put up a velvet rope and a bouncer, but it’s not our default mode; it takes real work.

VIP Club vs Outdoor Festival

When it comes to trying to make breakfast, complete a job, or get through school, the VIP club sounds much better, right? That’s the battle we ADHDers fight every day; we try to get our brains out of the open air and into a room with more order.

But…. and it is a pretty big but… (it’s okay if you just laughed reading “pretty big but”) that Outdoor Festival is the perfect breeding ground for one of the most important qualities a human being can ever have: CREATIVITY.

When your brain feels, sees, and smells everything, it is more likely than the neurotypical brain to notice something no one has ever noticed before. It is more likely to go down a rabbit hole and discover a new path. It’s more likely to see something in a way no one has ever seen it.

Biographers speculated that Thomas Edison, one of the greatest creators of all time, had ADHD. Possibilities came to his Open-Air Brain and he was able to harness them by giving us light (yes, literally invented the lightbulb), sound (invented the phonograph), and sight (yep, the camera too!) He struggled just like we do.

According to thomasedison.com; At age seven – after spending 12 weeks in a noisy one-room schoolhouse with 38 other students of all ages – Tom’s overworked and short-tempered teacher finally lost his patience with the child’s persistent questioning and seemingly self-centered behavior. 

Sound familiar? Yeah, schools are mostly VIP Clubs, not Outdoor Festivals or Open-Air Concerts. You may not be Thomas Edison yet, but that same creativity lives within you.

My Open-Air Brain

My Open-Air Brain finds creativity through music. I studied music theory at a very early age, to the point that it became a second language for me.

I stopped learning after two years because my Open-Air Brain was much less interested in being Rachmaninoff and more interested in the brand-new notes, chords, and lyrics popping up in my head. I wasn’t writing Shakespeare; just lines documenting the countless things going on in my world, and in my family. Now just about everything I experience plays like a song in my head.

In the case of the Velcro ad, that Open-Air Brain quickly gave me access to a catalog of every melodramatic music video I’ve ever heard, every lawyer stereotype I’ve ever had, and every funny meme about first-world problems I’ve ever shared. All those ideas were welcome to the party.

Of course, there are times that this is frustrating – it can be hard listening to someone if the story they are telling is turning into a song. I’ve had to do some really hard work to find a VIP bouncer when what a person is saying is important, and I care about that person and their feelings.

But when there’s nothing else going on, no work to do, and no conversations to have, my mind wanders back to that Open-Air Concert. It happens on walks, at night before bed, in the shower, and sometimes in the middle of the day when I have a minute to just sit and let it happen.

Your Open-Air Concert isn’t just a distraction; it could be the key to your success. Now, we don’t have an excuse to get lost in thought all the time; we need to be respectful of our parents, friends, and teachers, and do the best we can to hear what they have to say. But don’t ever discount those wonderfully bizarrely random thoughts coming into your head. Those thoughts are yours and yours alone, they are enormously creative, and believe it or not, they could change the world one day.

The Creative ADHD Brain: Next Steps

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When my husband and I published a book called ADHD is Awesome we knew we’d have some explaining to do. After all, so much of ADHD is not… awesome. We used the word for its true meaning. Though it’s a writing style cliché to kick off with a definition, I think it’s important here:

Awesome — Adjective — Extremely impressive or daunting; inspiring great admiration, apprehension, or fear.

It’s safe to say our kids get daily reminders of how much ADHD just plain sucks. The world wasn’t built for their unique brains, which are forced to remain still and focused in long classes, amid constant distractions, and often despite unrealistic expectations from teachers and us, their parents. You don’t need to read one more thing about how hard it is to have ADHD, so I’m here to offer ways to shine a spotlight on the pure sunshine that can spark from an ADHD brain.

Just a reminder: I’m not a doctor or a therapist. Our family is like the lab rat that has undergone rounds of testing. Here are the ways we’ve helped our son find the awesomeness in ADHD:

1. Tell Them What ADHD Is Not

ADHD is not a deficit of attention. In fact, people with ADHD have an abundance of attention and sometimes struggle with how to use it. ADHD is not a shortcoming or a choice. It’s not a result of bad parenting. It’s not a fad or trend. ADHD is a collection of symptoms that vary in every single person.

[Get This Free Download: Celebrate ADHD Empowerment Month!]

In our house, ADHD is the explanation but not the excuse. My husband forgot to put his shoes on when going to pick up our carry-out dinner order. He was on a phone call as he walked out the door and I yelled after him to pick up some garbage bags while he was out. He struggles to prioritize and his system gets easily overwhelmed, so he wasn’t even aware he was walking out of the house barefoot. It’s the explanation but he doesn’t get a free pass to roam freely through stores without shoes.

2. Celebrate What Makes Them Different

I sometimes feel frustrated that the things that seem so simple (turning in homework, putting on BOTH shoes, turning off the stove) can be so hard for the ADHD brain. But the things my son’s brain creates leave me in awe. My son was given a writing assignment at the beginning of the school year on a specific topic. He was so hyperfocused that he wrote a 3,000-word essay defending his theory one Saturday morning, in record time. It was so well-researched and well-written. I said to him, “Your brain is pretty special. I wish I was able to dive so deep into a topic and follow the paths of information like you do. Most brains don’t do this. This is amazing!”

It was truly awesome until I noticed the assignment clearly asked for the written portion to be 500 words maximum. His brain skipped a very important detail, but I was in awe of what he created. His brain solves problems in ways mine doesn’t. He sees the world in a different, wonderful way. Every time I spot something that makes him unique, I make sure to tell him how special his brain really is.

3. Stop the Shame Spiral

When my son realized he didn’t read the instructions clearly, I saw the shame drift up his face. His shoulders hunched forward and his head dropped. The shame a person with ADHD feels when they’ve made a mistake can be overwhelming. Even for my husband, regulating his emotions and, especially, feelings of shame is a real struggle.

[Read: How to Explain ADHD in Positive, Empowering Terms]

A crucial piece of advice on shame was given to me by Dr. Emily King. Dr. King is a child psychologist who has worked with neurodivergent children, their teachers, and their families for more than 20 years. When either of my ADHD loved ones makes a mistake, she advises to offer connection not correction.

As a recovering perfectionist, this was really hard for me. When my husband got distracted and left his suitcase at the airport where we were departing and didn’t notice until he walked off the plane for our vacation, my instinct was to say a lot of curse words very loudly in the middle of a very public airport. When my son overlooked very clearly written instructions, my urge was to say “How many times do I have to tell you?! You have to read the directions!” Instead, in both cases, I offered connection.

To my husband, I said, “Wow. That really sucks. I’m sure you were feeling distracted while we were racing to the plane and trying to get snacks for the kids.” To my son, I said, “I know this is tough. That stinks that you will have to re-work this. Remember when I totally misread the written directions on The Amazing Race and got us lost? It happens.”

When the temperature is lowered and moods have stabilized, then we talk about systems and reminders. My husband says this one tool has been the most motivating for him. When I resist the urge to snap, he wants to work harder to never make the same mistake or overlook the same detail. It’s hard to offer empathy when you feel real rage, believe me. But we’re all better for it.

4. Use the Coach Mindset

Every individual with ADHD has a different collection of symptoms on a vast spectrum. I have such respect for every parent and partner who is an ally to the neurodivergent. I struggled not attaching my own ego and emotions to the actions of my child. I was advised to adopt the “Coach” mindset.

Imagine a coach of a Little League game. Does she yell and scream because your little one strikes out? No! (Or hopefully not). The coach doesn’t get embarrassed or shame a player for a bad game and a parent shouldn’t shame a child for normal behavior – even if it doesn’t fit inside our visions of how a child should act.

We had the chance to meet so many wonderful humans at book signings across the country. Sweet families with ADHD kiddos stood in line so we could take pictures and have a quick chat. Because I wanted to hug and talk to EVERYONE, the lines took longer than an ADHD brain could tolerate. Rather than snap and discipline these kiddos for spinning in circles, jumping up and down, and breakdancing (yes, breakdancing – it was awesome), the parents knew this was how their little ones needed an outlet. They didn’t expect more than their children could give. They were awesome coaches and it was inspiring to witness.

5. Remind Without Nagging

I don’t actually enjoy nagging and offering constant reminders. I don’t want to make the lists. I don’t want to hold every single piece of information for my family. That emotional load is too much. And, obviously, the person on the other end doesn’t want to hear the constant bickering. Now on Sunday evenings, we have a family meeting, and we all answer this question: “What will it take for me to have a great week?”

For the kids, it helps them spot future tests and quizzes so they plan ahead. Then, in the mornings when we’re all a little more frantic, instead of barking orders I have been asking, “What do you need to do to be ready for school?” It gives him the power and he can take ownership of his executive functioning.

I am still learning how to be a supportive partner and parent to my two ADHDers. I love their spontaneity, curiosity, and constant creativity. There are days I wish I could take a peek inside their brains to witness how they see the world. I’m imagining they both see us all as cartoon characters in an animated musical, but I wouldn’t change them even if I could.

Find the Awesome in ADHD: Next Steps

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In my first year of college, I found myself with a brand new problem: I was totally unable to write an essay.

My professor had given us clear instructions. I was passionate about (read: hyperfixated on) the subject. I’d been researching for days. But I couldn’t seem to get started — there was too much I wanted to say and, horror of horrors, I couldn’t even use the just-start-rambling tactic that had carried me through high school. The topic was too important, the stakes were too high, and every time I started to write, it came out wrong.

Like many with ADHD, I’m an all-or-nothing type. I haven’t yet found the magic key that lets me put, say, 45% effort into something. I have to give 100% perfection or it’s simply not worth doing at all.

All the same time, in high school, even when I’d make a bulleted outline for an essay and try to follow it, I’d get stuck, delete the outline in frustration, abandon the draft entirely, and write the whole essay in one go. Writing off the cuff produced some beautiful sentences, but I was prone to rambling or leaving things out. When I’d revise, I couldn’t recapture the energy and thought process I had while freewriting. Even with a reverse outline (first draft then outline), I got stuck. My transitions didn’t make as much sense the second time around, my writing seemed clunkier, and I still ended up scrapping everything. For a while, this strategy was workable. My essays, while spontaneous and poorly outlined, were good enough.

Now in college, as the night wore on and my meds wore off – still with no essay in sight – I was frustrated to the point of tears. Then I had an idea: I decided that if I couldn’t write the best version of my essay, or even a good version of my essay, I would write the worst version of my essay. And that’s what I did. I wrote in purposefully irreverent, goofy ways that amused me and kept my attention. In the end, to my surprise, I had a draft that had actually captured my ideas and was fun to read during revision.

I dubbed this strategy The Crappy Draft.

[Read: How to Prepare Your ADHD Teen for College, According to Research]

Why The Crappy Draft Technique Works for ADHD College Students

The goal of The Crappy Draft is twofold. First, it relieves the pressure to Write Something Good and makes the task that’s been driving you crazy into something lighthearted, with stakes so low they’re in the ground. And you get something done. Revising is tomorrow’s problem; tonight, you can sleep knowing you got started.

Second, The Crappy Draft lets you see the shape of your essay. Yes, this version may be nonsensical, but it also holds great wisdom. One of the great skills of the ADHD brain is making connections even where seemingly none exist. If harnessed correctly, this can be a great essay-writing tool: the ways in which you jump from one topic to another when you’re not thinking about writing a polished draft often allow for your best ideas to come forward.

You may be surprised to find how easy it is to turn something from apparent crap into an eloquent essay! For example, in one Crappy Draft of a history paper, I wrote “We can all talk a big game about war, but maybe we mostly just want everyone to have enough potatoes and not get their stuff stolen.” In the final version of the essay, this became “People want to avoid war more than they want to protect territory or follow orders, and sometimes they can even succeed in avoiding it.”

I’ve since used The Crappy Draft approach to great success every time I feel even slightly stuck on an essay. The Crappy Draft allows me the pleasure of writing in my own voice while capturing all of my ideas without censoring myself or succumbing to anxiety. And because my goofy Crappy Drafts are fun to read, they keep me focused when I go back to revise. The process is more manageable, and the final product is more organized, thoughtful, and in-depth.

[Read: “Writing Made Easier for College Kids with Learning Differences”]

How to Write Your Own Crappy Draft

1. Type at the top of your document: THIS DRAFT IS CRAPPY ON PURPOSE. I’LL MAKE IT GOOD LATER.

I type this in bold and highlight the words in red, but you do you. The important thing is that by writing this affirmation, you release yourself from the need to write anything presentable.

2. Write the silliest version of your draft you can possibly write.

Hit the points you want to hit but don’t pay any attention to whether you’re hitting them in the right order. Forgo punctuation. Don’t just write from your inner monologue — write from the most informal, personal part of your brain. Put in as many swears and as much Internet slang as you want. Make yourself laugh. Have fun with it.

Don’t forget the “assignment” part entirely, though. Here’s what I wrote one of my Crappy Drafts when I noticed myself going wildly off topic and getting distracted:

Man, do you ever think about the butterfly effe– [I AM HIT OVER THE HEAD WITH A COMICALLY LARGE HAMMER. NEXT PARAGRAPH PLEASE !!]

Optional step: Change the font to Comic Sans or some other stupid-looking font.

This is also a neat trick for resetting your brain when you’ve been staring at your words for hours and are starting to hate them. Different font? Ooh, it must be a different task! How new and exciting!

3. Get a good night’s sleep and revise another day.

I’m hopeful that your Crappy Draft will surprise you and make you smile. Read your draft with an open mind. Follow what jumps out at you, and you’ll find the makings of a strong, cohesive essay.

How to Write an Essay in College: Next Steps

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I was 15 when I experienced my first overstimulation meltdown. I was at the mall with my family, fresh out of an argument with my dad over dental pain meds, and tired from the school day, none of which helped my mood.

The mall was chaos. It was December, so everything was decked out in bright lights and brighter colors. The same five cheesy songs played on full blast over the loudspeakers. The halls were packed with loud holiday shoppers who kept bumping into us (and us into them). My sweater, perfect for chilly weather, weighed down on me indoors while my winter coat over my arm made me even more warm and sweaty.

And then, in the middle of the food court that reeked of greasy food and fake pine fragrance, my 3-month-old twin brothers started screaming. Everyone nearby shot us dirty looks, my head hurt from the noise and the smell and the heat and —

I snapped.

“Will you SHUT THEM UP?!”

My dad and stepmom looked at me like I was the jerk, and not the victim.

“Is this about your mouth?” Dad asked. “I told you to ask for more meds.”

ADHD and Overstimulation: My Sensory Meltdowns

That sums up every experience I’ve had with overstimulation or sensory overload: I’m too tired or upset to regulate my emotions, I’m assaulted on all sides with stimuli, I can’t stop anything, and people around me act like I’m crazy when I can’t take it anymore.

[Get This Free Download: Am I a Highly Sensitive Person?]

From an outside perspective, it probably does look like I’m insane. I appear fine until I’m not, over something small, no less. Nobody likes crowded stores or sharing a busy office, but millions of people deal with the chaos without freaking out. Even if there’s too much going on, a bit of deep breathing and mindful realignment should calm me down, right?

Too bad that doesn’t help. The problem with ADHD is that I not only have trouble paying attention, but I also have trouble shutting things out. I am constantly aware and reminded of every odd little thing around me. Like that one coworker who hits “reply all” just to send a smiley emoji, my mind sends unnecessary alerts to let me know that my left shoe is just a little too loose, that my coworker is loudly eating an apple, that there’s a flickering light way across the room, and other status updates I could really do without.

It’s a feeling of being trapped. I can’t turn the world off, can’t stop thinking, and can’t stop feeling worse thinking about how I can’t stop. The more trapped I feel in my mind and body, the harder it is to communicate why I’m upset or how to fix it.

What a fun Catch-22.

This is partially why I really don’t want help solving the problem in the moment. If I’m overwhelmed, my responses are entirely reactionary. I don’t feel comforted by back rubs or someone asking if I’m OK, it only adds fuel to the fire.

[Read: Why You Feel Too Much (and How to Cope)]

What to Do When ADHD Overstimulation Strikes

I’ve learned that it’s better for others to approach me when I’m able to articulate my needs. Asking ahead, well before an overstimulation meltdown, is especially touching.

My best coping strategies were planned significantly far in advance for this exact reason. Demanding that everyone else stops isn’t exactly doable. But I’ve learned how to quietly and successfully remove myself from the situation or prevent overstimulation.

I have an extensive toolkit: noise-cancelling headphones, a mini fan, sunglasses, soft sweaters and jackets, quiet rooms, and a handful of other odds and ends. I must look strange to my coworkers, making dozens of adjustments to my area throughout the day. I’m relieved that my workplace allows me to self-accommodate like this.

This is why awareness matters. The next time you see someone snap over something small, or look increasingly uncomfortable with everything, assume that they’re overstimulated (and that ADHD may be in the picture). Perhaps that will stop you from loudly asking why someone is wearing sunglasses indoors or running for the nearest closet or empty room. Give us grace, and you’ll be able to work with the neurodivergent people in your life and make the world a more accommodating place for us. The steps are small, but the results are magnificent.

ADHD and Overstimulation: Next Steps

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I discovered my ADHD indirectly, thanks to my 20-year-old daughter’s TikTok. As she listed 25 symptoms of inattentive ADHD, with examples from her life, I saw myself mirrored in each one.

But I was confused. I associated ADHD with fidgety grade-school boys. Little did I know that I, an adult woman, could also be diagnosed with ADHD. My daughter’s descriptions of time and organizational overcompensation, decision paralysis, procrastination, overwhelm, and hyperfocus resonated deeply with me. When I suggested that I might have ADHD myself, she agreed.

While waiting for an evaluation and the results, I had daily epiphanies as I connected my lifetime of experiences with information about the ADHD brain. Like so many of us, I’d spent years feeling inadequate, hypersensitive, and too ashamed to say any of it out loud. How many paralyzing hours did I lie on the couch, wondering what was wrong with me? My diagnosis came in August 2022.

[eBook: Women with ADHD: How Hormones, Symptoms & Late Diagnoses Impact Females]

Six years earlier, at almost 49, I’d unknowingly set in motion a seismic journey of personal reinvention with the decision to stop drinking (10 years in the making) and enter therapy for the first time. I was finally able to follow through on both steps, even in the face of intense anxiety and self-hatred. My sobriety and therapy unleashed a flood of unresolved issues and traumas. Recovery was just the beginning of my self-discovery.

I ended my 26-year marriage and became an empty nester. My work as a commercial interior designer suddenly felt toxic. I had come to realize that there was a fundamental misalignment between my strengths, interests, and responsibilities. Near crippling self-doubt and fear of rejection had kept me tethered to my career for 28 years. Finally, my ADHD diagnosis shattered the narrative of not good enough, paving the way for self-compassion and newfound confidence and hope.

Standing at the intersection of creative expansion and personal revolution, I found a community of midlife women on similar paths and planted the seed for starting my company, Triple Moon Coaching. I enrolled in a holistic coach certification program so I could build a side practice and phase into full-time professional life coaching.

Empowered by clarity and optimism, I focused on creating my new vision. ADHD impulsivity has been a consistent thread for as long as I can remember. My resignation was bold and necessary, and a bit premature. But I was learning. No regrets.

I am on a solid path to successful entrepreneurship. It’s a joy and a privilege to coach women who are taking charge of their lives and growing into their own unique potential.

ADHD in Women: Next Steps

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At first glance, some of my ADHD traits make me very ill-suited to my job as a college lecturer. My slippery focus and shoddy working memory make the piles of admin work painful. Trying to map out a long course makes me want to smash my head into a smartboard.

Few of my colleagues loathe the bits I hate with quite the passion that I do, so I beat myself up for making a meal of the stuff that’s meant to be simple.

But there’s a flip side, too. The more I talk to colleagues about my fresh diagnosis (ADHD, inattentive type), the more I see that others grapple daily with different demons. And some of the things that frighten or frustrate them about teaching come as naturally to me as breathing.

Teaching with ADHD: The Traits That Make Me a Better Educator

1. Improvisation

Like many with ADHD, I work well under pressure. I struggle to focus without it, in fact, so I’ve had a lifetime of practice.

The upshot is that I’m never knocked off balance by last-minute changes or questions I didn’t see coming. I love taking detours in lessons or going deeper to clear up confusion.

[Get This Free Download: Need Help Finding Your Passion? Use This ADHD “Brain Blueprint”]

Learning is a two-way conversation for me. Being happy to improvise helps me keep everyone in it.

2. A Sense of Humor

I try to make people laugh all the time. I think I learned young that it won me approval, preempted mockery, and defused the tension I would otherwise sponge up myself.

And my always-on Default Mode Network loves whispering jokes in my ear. I find it hard not to speak them out loud.

As compulsions go, it’s a lucky one. A sense of humor is a powerful tool in the classroom. It’s so much easier to build rapport, nip conflicts in the bud, and make lessons engaging and productive when you can see the funny side and share it. People learn better when they’re feeling good, too.

[Read: The ADHD Traits I Would Never Trade Away]

I’m also a closet show-off, so making an audience laugh (even if it’s captive) lifts my own mood and keeps my stress levels in check.

3. The Ability to Plan Under Pressure

Long-term projects are my nemesis. Chipping away at a faraway goal deprives me of the hit I need right now, this minute.

Weirdly, that’s where teaching works for me. I don’t sit down on a Sunday to plan. (I can’t. I’ve tried. It’s fruitless.) But the very tight deadline of an imminent lesson gives my distractible brain no choice but to snap into action. When it does, it’s with supercharged clarity and speed.

A sea of expectant faces is a sufficiently scary prospect to kickstart my concentration and wrestle floating, fragmented ideas into an anchored, coherent whole. The last half-hour before a lesson starts is when my plan comes together. Even if I’m still on the bus.

Because I work best this way, weekends are mainly my own.

4. Creativity and Competitiveness

‘Teacher talk time’ is part of my job. Some things just need explaining. But I drift off when I’m talked at for too long myself and I don’t want my learners to check out because I’ve bored them.

So I break up exposition with chats, games, and quizzes to give them chance to think and engage.

Competition cranks my focus up, too, so I use it with students as well. They sit up and dig deeper when victory’s at stake. A lively 10-minute grammar-off can save a lesson from sinking.

5. Deep Empathy

As a super-sensitive person with ADHD, I know first-hand how negative emotions can torpedo efforts to learn.

That awareness is useful because lots of my students have big stresses that mess with their concentration. They come from all over the world and have issues ranging from PTSD and homelessness to fears for family in war zones. Things I cannot imagine.

I can never solve their problems. What I can provide, thanks to empathy, is a warm, inclusive environment where people feel safe and valued.

I can also lend my ear after class where that’s what a person wants. Because of the way I’m built, it never feels like a chore.

Teaching with ADHD: Shedding Shame and Cultivating Gratitude

There will probably always be bits of my job I find hard because they’re dull. I’ve felt shame about that at times and suspected I’m lazy or weak. Now that I’m certain I’m neither, I can be more patient with myself and calmer when I’m tackling the tough stuff. And I can see much more clearly the many upsides of ADHD.

Being up front with others and listening to their own unique challenges has opened my eyes to how well my brain serves me at work. It has taught me to put much more store in the strengths I have — creativity, compassion and last-minute focus, for example —that some others don’t, and which are very likely down to the way I’m wired.

Teaching with ADHD: Next Steps

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At first glance, some of my ADHD traits make me very ill-suited to my job as a college lecturer. My slippery focus and shoddy working memory make the piles of admin work painful. Trying to map out a long course makes me want to smash my head into a smartboard.

Few of my colleagues loathe the bits I hate with quite the passion that I do, so I beat myself up for making a meal of the stuff that’s meant to be simple.

But there’s a flip side, too. The more I talk to colleagues about my fresh diagnosis (ADHD, inattentive type), the more I see that others grapple daily with different demons. And some of the things that frighten or frustrate them about teaching come as naturally to me as breathing.

Teaching with ADHD: The Traits That Make Me a Better Educator

1. Improvisation

Like many with ADHD, I work well under pressure. I struggle to focus without it, in fact, so I’ve had a lifetime of practice.

The upshot is that I’m never knocked off balance by last-minute changes or questions I didn’t see coming. I love taking detours in lessons or going deeper to clear up confusion.

[Get This Free Download: Need Help Finding Your Passion? Use This ADHD “Brain Blueprint”]

Learning is a two-way conversation for me. Being happy to improvise helps me keep everyone in it.

2. A Sense of Humor

I try to make people laugh all the time. I think I learned young that it won me approval, preempted mockery, and defused the tension I would otherwise sponge up myself.

And my always-on Default Mode Network loves whispering jokes in my ear. I find it hard not to speak them out loud.

As compulsions go, it’s a lucky one. A sense of humor is a powerful tool in the classroom. It’s so much easier to build rapport, nip conflicts in the bud, and make lessons engaging and productive when you can see the funny side and share it. People learn better when they’re feeling good, too.

[Read: The ADHD Traits I Would Never Trade Away]

I’m also a closet show-off, so making an audience laugh (even if it’s captive) lifts my own mood and keeps my stress levels in check.

3. The Ability to Plan Under Pressure

Long-term projects are my nemesis. Chipping away at a faraway goal deprives me of the hit I need right now, this minute.

Weirdly, that’s where teaching works for me. I don’t sit down on a Sunday to plan. (I can’t. I’ve tried. It’s fruitless.) But the very tight deadline of an imminent lesson gives my distractible brain no choice but to snap into action. When it does, it’s with supercharged clarity and speed.

A sea of expectant faces is a sufficiently scary prospect to kickstart my concentration and wrestle floating, fragmented ideas into an anchored, coherent whole. The last half-hour before a lesson starts is when my plan comes together. Even if I’m still on the bus.

Because I work best this way, weekends are mainly my own.

4. Creativity and Competitiveness

‘Teacher talk time’ is part of my job. Some things just need explaining. But I drift off when I’m talked at for too long myself and I don’t want my learners to check out because I’ve bored them.

So I break up exposition with chats, games, and quizzes to give them chance to think and engage.

Competition cranks my focus up, too, so I use it with students as well. They sit up and dig deeper when victory’s at stake. A lively 10-minute grammar-off can save a lesson from sinking.

5. Deep Empathy

As a super-sensitive person with ADHD, I know first-hand how negative emotions can torpedo efforts to learn.

That awareness is useful because lots of my students have big stresses that mess with their concentration. They come from all over the world and have issues ranging from PTSD and homelessness to fears for family in war zones. Things I cannot imagine.

I can never solve their problems. What I can provide, thanks to empathy, is a warm, inclusive environment where people feel safe and valued.

I can also lend my ear after class where that’s what a person wants. Because of the way I’m built, it never feels like a chore.

Teaching with ADHD: Shedding Shame and Cultivating Gratitude

There will probably always be bits of my job I find hard because they’re dull. I’ve felt shame about that at times and suspected I’m lazy or weak. Now that I’m certain I’m neither, I can be more patient with myself and calmer when I’m tackling the tough stuff. And I can see much more clearly the many upsides of ADHD.

Being up front with others and listening to their own unique challenges has opened my eyes to how well my brain serves me at work. It has taught me to put much more store in the strengths I have — creativity, compassion and last-minute focus, for example —that some others don’t, and which are very likely down to the way I’m wired.

Teaching with ADHD: Next Steps

---

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Gus Walz was appointed an unintentional ambassador for neurodivergent youth during the third night of the Democratic National Convention in Chicago on August 21. Millions of Americans watched the 17-year-old leap to his feet with tears streaming down his face as he cheered on his father, Minnesota Governor Tim Walz, as he accepted his party’s vice presidential nomination.

Gus Walz’s expression of pure love and joy should have been seen for what it was: an unfiltered and positive emotional response to a big moment. Sadly, the moment served as yet another opportunity to divide Americans. While most people saw Gus’s reaction as an historic moment for neurodiversity, a vocal minority sneered, criticized, and hurled insults at an innocent young person.

What Does Neurodivergence Mean?

Neurodivergence is a word used to describe naturally occurring differences in how the human brain develops that result in variations in “wiring” and how we process information. These differences may affect around 20% of the population and occur in people with ADHD, dyslexia, autism, and nonverbal learning disorder (NVLD). These and other conditions can lead to challenges with functioning in key life areas. In young people like Gus, these differences may result in variations in how they process nonverbal information, recognize patterns, develop social skills and awareness, process sensory information, and engage in executive function tasks.

[Take This Test: Nonverbal Learning Disorder (NLD) in Children]

It’s not uncommon for the neurodivergent community, particularly children and young adults, to battle stigma, insults, and misconceptions about their conditions. Gus’s reaction to his father’s speech was another example of how kids who learn and think differently are vulnerable to cruelty — even in their most benign or joy-filled moments. Only this moment was televised. Frankly, I’m glad it was.

Neurodivergence is a relatively new term, but it’s becoming more commonplace in American society. This is likely due to increases in diagnoses and perhaps increases in social media use to amplify individuals’ experiences. For example, a 2022 report from the CDC revealed that about 1 million more children received an ADHD diagnosis in 2022 than did in 2016. Even so, neurodivergence isn’t discussed nearly enough, making it easier for people to make false assumptions that impact children and their families every day.

Parents of neurodivergent children often face challenges in accessing accurate and reputable resources to help them in their day-to-day lives, resulting in feelings of isolation and loneliness. In the absence of awareness and widespread education, navigating learning and thinking differences can be a nightmare for the child — and a massive source of stress for their parents. Understood.org’s Neurodiversity and Stigma survey from 2022 found that nearly 70% of parents felt stigmas surrounding their child’s differences affected their mental health negatively. Another 2024 survey revealed that 96% of parents with neurodivergent children reported feeling stressed during the back-to-school season.

How to Help Neurodivergent Children Navigate Stigmas

As a licensed psychologist with more than 20 years of experience working with neurodivergent people, I’ve participated in dozens of programs designed to help educate the public and reduce stigmas for people with differences. Here are a few takeaways I share with parents:

• Educate yourself on current evidence-based information about your child’s learning and thinking differences.
• Talk to your child about their differences and how it affects them.
• Provide an informational bridge between home and school to help educate and inform teachers about thinking and learning differences and to help your child access accommodations.
• Advocate for inclusion and use of Universal Design for Learning strategies to support neurodivergent and neurotypical students in shared learning environments.
• Provide direct strategies for identifying challenges and asking for help. Role-playing or practicing with a script can help kids and adults ask for what they need to thrive.

[Free Download: Signs of Dyslexia at Every Age]

When I watched Gus Walz’s reactions to his father’s nomination, I was brought to tears by this pure and amazing display. Politics aside, this moment provides us with a remarkable opportunity to amplify and support neurodivergent individuals by having an open dialogue in our country about what it means to learn and think differently. Let’s not let this moment slip by.

Gus Walz and Nurturing sNeurodivergent Children: Next Steps

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I am wildly creative, surprisingly good with a paintbrush, and skilled with words. I know how to make jewelry, soap, candles, and pretty paper. I know how to put together elaborate floral displays and decorate cakes. I can research like an analyst and draft essays like an academic.

I know how to make proper barista coffee, complete with foamy milk hearts, and I can pour a mean tap beer. I can change brake pads on Volvos, paint houses perfectly, as well as clean them like I have OCD. (I can totally say that because I do have OCD.) I have some fun unpolished vocals recorded on a retro pop album floating around cyberspace along with some long forgotten “crazy cat lady” improv clips with five views total (probably all due to me).

I am good at a lot of things, but, by the world’s standards of success, I am a failure. And a big one at that.

No five-year plan here. (Time blindness will do that to you.) I have no idea what I am doing in the next five minutes, let alone in the next five years. And I certainly have not been commended in any field or selected as employee of the month. Let’s just say that if holding the record for shortest time employed were a thing, then my 15-minute stint as a bartender at a bowling alley would win the title.

I have studied acting but I am not an actor. I am a qualified English teacher, but I do not teach. I write poetry, but few read my work. I sometimes author stories or articles, which some people read, for which I’m eternally grateful. People often see how capable and organized I can be and think I must slay at life, but often, life slays me. This is the nature of the brain beast that is ADHD.

Where Is My Mind?

One of the many bosses I have had over my multi-faceted career once said of my job performance, “When you’re on, you’re brilliant, creative, unstoppable. But when you’re off, it’s hard to remember how good you are.”

[Get This Free Download: What to Ask Yourself to Find the Perfect Job]

Harsh, but fair. This was the story of my life — bosses wondering if I was intentionally not doing what they said, why I did things the complete opposite way I had been shown, or if I really was just that confused and forgetful. Most did not have the time or resources to spare on figuring me out, so I would end up fired over and over.

Some bosses asked where my mind went during meetings. Others would scratch their heads, puzzled that I’d be on fire one day, and frazzled, late, and disoriented the next. (It wasn’t uncommon for me to forget my lunch or even the name of the store where I worked.)

Once I even walked into the wrong workplace to clock in. I had previously worked in a jewelry store a few doors down from my new workplace, a skincare store. Easy mistake to make, right?

And don’t get me started on my wonderful, spontaneous, but often inappropriate workplace banter. Time and time again, I would blurt out a thought that would offend others – for its tone, timing, or crudeness. Sometimes, though, people would laugh or even join in with my shenanigans.

[Read: “Did I Overshare by Telling My New Co-Workers That I Habitually Overshare?”]

When I think I am being honest or funny, most people think I am being rude. When I am good at something, I do not know how to pace myself or set boundaries, so I burn out quickly and become incredibly bad at the thing I was good at. When I witness injustice, I am compelled to speak up (thanks, RSD and justice sensitivity), which has seen me in all kinds of deep water in the workplace.

Jack of All Trades, Master of Some

I have had some interesting jobs. I remember riding my motorbike to a fancy mansion dressed as Cleopatra when I worked for a catering company that specialized in themed events. I’ve worked in delis, clothing boutiques, florist shops, fast food joints, call centers, hardware stores, and markets. I’ve worked in education, childcare, and cleaning services. I’ve designed logos, posters, and t-shirts. I’ve directed musicals, weeded gardens, washed cars, and mowed lawns.

I did all this unmedicated, so I want to congratulate myself on making it through. After my ADHD diagnosis at age 38, I went on medication and saw significant changes in my time management, organization, memory retention, and emotional regulation skills. Today, I am finally doing something that I am good at and really enjoy. (Not to brag, but I am kind of my boss’s favorite.) I am kicking ass at the most important job I’ve ever had: being a mama.

My neurodivergent brain makes everything a lot harder, but I have accepted that I’ll just have to work with it and learn on the job. I try to see mistakes as opportunities to improve. I am not perfect at anything because that is the stuff of mythology. But I am brilliant at many things, and I aim for good enough where I can. I have learned not to overthink opinions about my performance on any job, sometimes not even my own. I am a lifelong work in progress – I have my work cut out for me, and if life has taught me anything, it is that I can do hard things.

ADHD and Job Hopping: Next Steps

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“The reality is that, while Maria is clearly a cognitively bright young lady, she wouldn’t necessarily be considered gifted in any particular area.”

“In talking with Maria, it is clear that her family and instructors have historically viewed her as being intellectually quite bright and an underachiever.”

These are not a passive-aggressive bully’s words, a sibling’s backhanded compliment, or careless remarks delivered at a parent-teacher conference. These are the very deliberate words of a neurologist, neuropsychologist, and medical-education specialist following my ADHD evaluation in childhood. The intended audience: my parents, my family physician, and my teachers.

The clinic’s problematic “assessment” and cruel words still haunt me years later. I didn’t read their words until I was in my 40s, and I finally understood why I had a decades-long habit of telling people I have no special talents. The specialists stated in scientific terms that I, a child, was a talentless loser. My parents and my family physician believed them without question. What could my parents have done differently?

[Take This Self-Test: ADHD Symptoms in Women and Girls]

Set in Their Ways

Despite education and experience, we know that experts make mistakes all the time. It’s why we frequently seek second medical opinions. My parents certainly needed one when the politely insulting report described my problems as “common” with ADHD, but the tone of the recommendations was “do better.” A second opinion would have offered my parents another analysis of my behaviors. Most importantly, I could have had a chance at a better life.

But my parents – education experts – were inclined to go along with what the evaluators said, as they shared similar vocational backgrounds. Though my mother still harbored some suspicions that I had ADHD, she and my father ultimately assumed that I was failing my classes on purpose. They made sure to share their theories about my behaviors with my teachers, who were more inclined to default to their opinions rather than their own judgment about my classroom behavior they saw every day.

What I Cannot Forgive

I can forgive science not catching up in time. (After all, it’s been more than 30 years since that evaluation and we’re still working to better understand ADHD in girls.) What I cannot forgive is my parents and the clinic for the cruelty, sexism, and failure to recognize the fact that I didn’t want to do poorly. In any setting, telling someone they do not have any special talents or that they’re an underachiever is an appalling insult.

[Read: “11 Things I’d Tell My Younger Self”]

The rest of the report would eventually prove hilariously inaccurate. “During the evaluation Maria did not demonstrate many of the learning deficits often observed in adolescents with a primary attention deficit hyperactivity disorder,” reads part of the report. Thirty-one years later, I received my ADHD diagnosis at age 44.

Ironically, the experts who wrote the report that detailed my carelessness and sloppiness also committed typographical, punctuation, and grammatical errors along with listing my incorrect home address on every page and misspelling my last name. Perhaps they were gifted in other areas? Unfortunately, those doctors didn’t provide their full names in the “scientific” report they authored, so I was never able to track them down to find out. What a relief for them.

Undiagnosed ADD: Next Steps

Maria Reppas lives with her family on the East Coast. Visit her on X and at mariareppas.com.

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Long before I knew my first fact about ADHD, and well before my own ADHD diagnosis, I knew that to be around people was often work. I had to be “on.”

When I’m “on” it feels like my mental faculties are on steroids. It’s like all the electrical fibers of my being are jacked up to the max, all in the name of social camouflage. I am ON.

Call it masking or impression management. Regardless, it’s a cover for us normally fidgety, possibly shy, and distracted interrupters who inhabit ADHD land.

Masking with ADHD Is Draining

“Masking” doesn’t feel how it sounds. “Herculean Hide” or “Backbreak Fake” sound more accurate. If you’ve ever masked, you know why: you’d give anything to be wearing a real mask in these situations.

Imagine having a roomy mask covering the entire front half of your skull, doing the work of being Fake You while Real You got to relax underneath. How luxurious would that be? You could stand there and not do or say a thing. You could relax and take a social nap behind Wonder Woman or Superman.

[Read: 7 Masks We Use to Hide Our Faults]

I wish it were as simple as wearing a literal mask – maybe one with talking powers.

Instead, masking is arduous, confusing, complicated, and draining. It’s multi-tasking to the nines while on stage without a lifeline, no parachute. That’s a far cry from chillaxing behind a cozy Wonder Woman mask. It’s having to be Wonder Woman, blindfolded.

A life with ADHD can give us the sense we’re less than. A mask temporarily fixes that. A mask takes the focus off us. It’s like hiding in tall grass while our hunters say to each other, “Nothing to see here. Let’s move on.”

It’s true that masking gets easier over time. We can become so expert at the practice that it’ll take a while – sometimes decades in the case of a late-stage ADHD diagnosis – until we learn about this ability that we’ve honed since childhood. It dawns on us that the arduousness and exhaustion we experienced all along in social interactions was not a given in the big universe of human experience.

But the maddening thing about masking is that, as we develop the skill, we also worry about how well we’re masking — a worry that sometimes ramps up into depression or anxiety.

So we put all this energy toward suppression, and for what? To only mask more and more until it drains the essence of us.

[Read: “We Are Who We Are. There’s No Shame in That.”]

Masking with ADHD: What Happened When I Let Go

As I began to educate myself on ADHD, I started to experiment with new ways of thinking and doing. One day, not long ago, I asked myself, “What if I let go of some of this masking? Would life be calmer? Would I survive without it?”

It turns out, yes.

I started small, in social situations where I had little to lose, or where I could practice taking off the mask without much notice. As soon as I decided I didn’t have to pretend I was Unreasonably Amazing Stephanie, the world got serene. It slowed down — my interior power grid stopped buzzing so loudly — and not one person seemed to care or notice. I learned that others do not have their attention glued to me as I had feared or assumed.

Since I’ve built the skills to better manage my ADHD, ditching the mask means I can manage my glitches as usual but without excessive social worry. I can’t tell you how freeing (and energy efficient) this is.

Making with ADHD: Next Steps

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I can still vividly recall my daughter’s meltdown during a trip to the Georgia Aquarium. As I sensed she was on the verge of losing it, it felt like someone scooped out every organ in my body. Still, I was fresh out of parent coaching training, and here — right in front of the otters’ exhibit smack in the middle of a giant aquarium — was an opportunity to show off the skills I learned. But, boy, did my daughter put on a show. She screamed and screamed, her tiny body thrashing against the aquarium floor, until her face turned red and her hair clung to her sweaty forehead.

Parent training didn’t prepare me for this. My husband and I stood there, quietly whispering to each other for an excruciating 20 minutes until our daughter finally calmed down. In that time, I was desperate for the screaming, the stares, and others’ well-intentioned, albeit unhelpful, suggestions (to give her a snack or a drink) to stop. This was not the highlight of my mothering career.

Eventually, all those things did (thankfully) come to a halt. My baby stood up quietly after her meltdown, looking disoriented. Then, she stumbled in my direction and finally held my hand instead of running ahead of us like we asked her to, which is what led to the whole fiasco in the first place.

Emotional Dysregulation: A Core But Overlooked Part of ADHD

Emotional dysregulation is not new — to my daughter or to any other person with ADHD. But it was an aspect of ADHD that took me a long time to fully appreciate.

The problem is that the diagnostic criteria for ADHD intentionally exclude emotion dysregulation, despite it being historically conceptualized as a crucial characteristic of the condition. Emotional dysregulation was written about as an issue related to ADHD symptoms as early as the 1700s up until 1968, when the diagnosis of hyperkinetic reaction of childhood was first introduced in the DSM-II. Around this time, emotion dysregulation started to become a forgotten part of the equation for ADHD, and public discussion of ADHD-fueled tantrums and angry outbursts all but halted.

[Get This Free Download: 9 Truths About ADHD and Intense Emotions]

This is why, despite my psychology graduate coursework and training in ADHD, my daughter’s behavior was still confounding. On the one hand, I knew that she struggled with ADHD from an early age because her symptoms were consistent with current diagnostic criteria. On the other, her obvious emotional challenges compared to other girls and children her age, were not reflected in the DSM.

Could My Daughter’s Intense Emotions Be a Sign of DMDD?

Adding to my confusion was the fact that emotion dysregulation isn’t exclusive to ADHD. For example, children with disruptive mood dysregulation disorder (DMDD) display irritable mood and emotional outbursts that could be verbal or physical and that occur at least three times per week. It is a condition that goes beyond temper tantrums.

DMDD was added to the DSM-5 because mental health professionals were over-diagnosing bipolar disorder, a condition that causes extreme changes in mood in children. DMDD was meant to account for children who didn’t quite meet criteria for bipolar disorder, and who presented with more general irritability.

Without much mention of emotion dysregulation’s connection to ADHD in my training and in what doctors told me, my daughter’s intense emotional responses made me wonder — could this be a case of DMDD, too?

[Self Test: Does My Child Have Disruptive Mood Dysregulation Disorder?]

The Truth About ADHD and Intense Emotions

William French, M.D., explains that the key to differentiating between DMDD and emotion dysregulation as a part of ADHD is the child’s mood between temper outbursts. Children with ADHD (and adults, too, for that matter) experience emotions intensely, but these emotions are not all negative.

Individuals with ADHD can also be incredibly excited or calm between emotional outbursts. Russell Barkley, Ph.D., says the reason the negative emotions get so much attention is because they lead to obvious social and functional challenges. While someone with ADHD experiences various emotions between periods of intense negative emotional outbursts, a person with DMDD has more persistent irritable mood between episodes.

Without a shred of doubt, I understand today – though it took lots of time and headaches to get here – that my daughter’s intense emotions are part of her ADHD.

But in my own practice, where I see neurodivergent youth, I increasingly see patients come in with an ill-fitting DMDD diagnosis. As I’ve become more and more self-educated about ADHD and emotion dysregulation, I’m convinced that many clinicians, misled by current diagnostic criteria, may be readily misattributing this central feature of ADHD to DMDD.

This is a problem, for one, because inaccurate diagnoses delay access to life-changing treatment and can cause further health complications. In addition. whether we’d like to admit it or not, certain labels carry heavier stigma than do others. Before they see me, many children with the DMDD diagnosis are turned away from other private practices, deemed too “severe” to treat. Children can also be inappropriately judged by schools when they are given labels reflecting severely dysregulated mood.

It’s important to remember that the DSM, in general, aims to simplify. But, far from simple, human beings are nuanced, and so is the way ADHD presents.

If diagnosticians took a step back and actually looked at the ADHD brain and listened to the lived experiences of individuals, maybe then they could start to understand those who are so unnecessarily misjudged, like my daughter could have been.

ADHD and Intense Emotions: Next Steps

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More than half of adults with ADHD prefer to keep their diagnosis to themselves, according to a recent Understood.org survey of 2,100 adults conducted online by The Harris Poll. However, an even more concerning pattern emerges when we break down the results by gender: 66% of young women (ages 18–34) prefer to stay silent compared to 42% of young men with ADHD.

Why Women with ADHD Don’t Disclose Their Diagnosis

In part, the survey results suggest that women with ADHD are perceived differently than are men with ADHD — a finding that more than half of survey respondents (three-quarters of whom were women) agree to be true.

We know that self-stigma is a key barrier to seeking professional support. (Footnote 1) While the survey’s findings relate to ADHD specifically, they speak to a larger societal phenomenon: Individuals internalize public stigma, e.g., stereotypes, prejudice, and discriminatory attitudes endorsed by the public. We see examples of internalized public sigma across women’s mental and general health, including their ADHD diagnosis.

Although men and women are just as likely to have learning and thinking differences, girls with ADHD are diagnosed as often as boys. (Footnote 2) Many women receive their ADHD diagnoses in their 30s, 40s, and beyond. When a woman is diagnosed with ADHD later in life, she’s likely spent decades struggling without understanding why. A late-in-life diagnosis may be the route of frustration, self-doubt, and anxiety.

Researchers have primarily based assessment tools on studies of boys and they do not norm for female populations. Gender bias built into testing instruments is one of the biggest reasons women and girls with ADHD may go undiagnosed, something 87% of survey respondents acknowledged, the survey revealed.

[Free Resource: What to Ask Yourself to Find the Perfect Job]

Women diagnosed with ADHD later in life often express how they made efforts and investments to get answers, but providers routinely dismissed their concerns as “hormones,” “mom brain,” or “lack of self-care.” Many received diagnoses of depression or anxiety instead of ADHD.

They finally got an accurate diagnosis after enduring years of unsuccessful treatments — along with blame for non-compliance. The experience of having their providers meet their initial concerns with disbelief, in a sense, trained women not to disclose.

Many women develop the core belief that “there’s something wrong with me.” And this doesn’t change overnight. Often, women need time, support, and community to learn how to voice their newly learned diagnosis in a way that feels right to them.

Choosing not to disclose an ADHD diagnosis is a logical response to stigma, bias, and backlash. Half of the adults surveyed believe that the negative stigma surrounding neurodiversity is stronger now than ever before. Among respondents with learning and thinking differences, 59% worry that disclosing their diagnosis would negatively impact their careers. Nearly 1 in 4 respondents who requested workplace accommodations said they lost their jobs or got demoted after asking. In that kind of workplace culture, it’s no surprise that people stay silent.

[Take the ADHD Self-Test for Women]

How to Create an Inclusive Culture

The culture that too often makes silence the best option for women must shift. The solution to silence is not as simple as telling women to “speak up” at work. We need to create a culture that places women’s voices and needs at the core. We need to raise awareness and challenge the stigma around neurodivergence (particularly ADHD and dyslexia) for women. We need better resources, awareness, and action, to start the shift toward progress.

Here are a few steps individuals, providers, and employers can take to create a more inclusive culture:

• Learn: Patients, employers, and providers need to let go of old assumptions and dial up their curiosity because the information about ADHD has historically been based on homogeneous, primarily male experiences. Even among the most knowledgeable, there’s still much to learn and unlearn.
• Embrace the gray: Disclosure isn’t “on” or “off.” You don’t need to share your diagnosis with everyone. You get to choose who, when, and how much you share.
• Listen: Often people don’t speak up because when they do, they aren’t heard or understood. For providers, this means actively listening to clients and patients. Employers need to actively listen to employees and take their concerns and requests seriously. Individuals need to listen to their inner voice without judgment.

Inclusive Culture: Next Steps

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The average person makes thousands of decisions a day, from “simple,” subconscious choices to complex ones. The more our days are filled with effortful, conscious decision making, the more susceptible we become to decision fatigue.

If you find yourself overanalyzing options, avoiding decisions, feeling overwhelmed, and then making hasty choices that you later regret, use the following tips to overcome decision fatigue and ADHD paralysis. In other words, “CHOOSE” differently to curb the choices your ADHD brain makes on the daily.

ADHD Decision Fatigue: Solutions

Care for Yourself

Decision-making becomes exponentially harder when your body and mind are not at their best. Caring for yourself reduces stress, improves focus, and eases decision making through the day.

• Nourish your body and brain with regular, healthy meals.
• Set up a good bedtime routine that allows for a restful night’s sleep.
• Give yourself the positive mental effects of mindfulness meditation for a few minutes each day.

High-Priority Appraisal

If a decision you must make is critical and will have a lasting impact, use a pros and cons list to help you analyze it objectively. If making the choice is not urgent, then take your time to make the list and then appraise it the next morning when you have more energy to make the decision. Review your crucial choices with a trusted friend to confirm your thinking process and gain an objective opinion.

[Get This Free Download: The Eisenhower Matrix for ADHD Decision-Making]

Opt Out

Ask yourself, “How important is this decision, really?”  If you realize that your decision and its outcome is not going to matter a week from now, find an easy, fun way to make the decision.

• Flip a coin to decide which route you will take home.
• Assign numbers to household chores and then roll dice to determine what you will do first.
• Close your eyes and point at a list to choose a restaurant for lunch.

Opportunities for Others

You do not have to be the sole decider. Give others the chance to decide. Try delegating reasonable decision-making opportunities to co-workers and family members. This gives them a chance to learn and grow. Avoid the temptation to micromanage; be open to observing how well things turn out.

Simplify

Take choice out of the equation! Cut down on the number of daily decisions in your life with routines and habits. Think of the routine activities in your life and opportunities to limit your options.

[Read: The Antidote to ADHD Fatigue and Exhaustion? Stacking Habits (and Spoons)]

• Designate a set number of outfits for work so you can just grab and go in the mornings.
• Assign specific meals to each day of the week and then rotate through two or three weekly schedules of meals. (Think school cafeteria schedule.)
• Create a grocery shopping master list that includes ingredients needed for the assigned weekly meals.

Effectively Realistic

Worrying about making the best decision – a form of perfectionism – is mentally taxing and leads to added stress and decision paralysis. There is no need to seek the perfect solution or choice. Instead, focus on what is realistic, effective, and good enough for the situation.

ADHD Decision Fatigue: Next Steps

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It’s been a while since my ADHD diagnosis. Though I’ve put lots of things in place to manage my symptoms and support my executive functions, it’s still so easy to lurch from day to day, ignoring the sneaky things that make living with ADHD needlessly difficult.

Recently, I had the bright idea to assess my life. I aimed to end up with a self-improvement plan comprised of high-impact (and relatively low-effort) actions I could take to better daily living with ADHD.

What I came up with was a process that I invite you to try for yourself to manage ADHD’s impact across all facets of your life. (Be sure to grab papers and a pen before you start.)

Step 1: Where are you struggling most right now?

Think:

• What aspects of your life with ADHD are most annoying to you at the moment?
• Where are your ADHD symptoms creating the most obstacles and hot spots in your life?
• Where are you paying too high a price (finances, relationships, etc.)?

Another way to think of it: Are there any areas of your life that need more improvement and attention than other areas?

[Get This Free Download: Lifestyle Changes That Benefit Adults with ADHD]

Some areas you might think about:

Select three to six areas of focus at a time. I chose medication, food, motivation, and daily/weekly planning systems.

Step 2: Pen to paper.

Once you’ve narrowed down your areas, grab some sheets of paper. Each area of focus you selected in the prior step will get its own sheet of paper, which you’ll indicate at the top of each sheet. Then, fold each sheet in half width-wise.

Step 3: Get specific about trouble spots.

The top half of each sheet is where you’ll respond to the question: “What’s not working?” Vent a little but be sure to get specific. No matter the obstacle or inconvenience, write down anything that isn’t going your way and gives you a hard time in this area.

On my “food” sheet, for example, I wrote, “It drives me crazy to have to wrestle with myself whenever I need to eat. How can boiling cauliflower feel so impossible?!?” I also wrote about how overwhelming I found all aspects of eating, from thinking about what to eat and buy (ADHD decision fatigue is no joke) and putting it together to cleaning up after myself, all for a few bites. Trying to eat more vegetables was especially difficult; they took too long to wash, cut, and cook on the spot, so they were never ready when I wanted them.

[Read: 6 Secrets to Goal Setting with ADHD]

Note that this step isn’t about writing down what you think you “should” be doing. It’s a space for you to note what stands in the way of what you really want.

Step 4: What can make it better?

After you’ve written about everything that’s not working, turn your attention to the bottom half of the sheet. Here is where you’ll brainstorm: What can make life better? Get creative and use that ADHD superpower of idea generation! Let your ideas flow; think of how you can create different arrangements, tweak your existing systems, incorporate new objects/technology, and find other forms of support that – and this is important – work for you. (You’ll narrow down on a few actionable solutions in the next step.)

For my food troubles, I thought about how great it would be to always have prepared, ready-to-eat foods in my kitchen. An effortless grab-and-go for when I’m hungry and don’t want to think about prepping food, much less make an entire meal. I thought about how great it would be to never forget that I have vegetables in the fridge and to have prep work on said veggies completed well in advance.

How could I make this happen? This is some of what I wrote down:

• To reduce decision fatigue, I can come up with three easy meals as staple options. This will make grocery shopping so much easier, too, since the ingredients for those chosen meals will always be on my shopping list.
• I’m a visual person. Why don’t I hang up photos of my favorite meals on my fridge to help me remember them?
• I seem to remember to eat veggies when I can clearly see them, not when they’re hidden in the back of the fridge or in a drawer. I’m also more inclined to eat veggies when all the prep work is done. Maybe I can prep veggies when I have time, like on weekends, and put them in clear containers.

Step 5: Mold your ideas into an action list.

From your solutions, circle up to three ideas that seem worth trying. Now, activate the ADHD gift of problem-solving, and think of how to put each of your chosen solutions into action.

• What will prompt you to put the solution in motion? Involving other people? Gamifying it? Connecting it with your interests? Think of the conditions and factors that tend to facilitate action for you. You may find it helpful to think about the areas of your life where things are going smoothly. What’s working in those areas, and how can you translate those elements to these problem areas?
• How can you get around potential snags? Do you need checklist to help you remember the steps? Reminders on your phone? On your calendar?
• Write down your action list for each area of focus on a fresh sheet of paper. As you think of and draft each action step, keep the following in mind:
  • Make your action steps realistic. Aim for the biggest wins you can achieve with the least amount of effort. (That win you consider small is actually a big win if you can do it completely and consistently!)
  • Craft clear action steps. Note what you’ll do, how long it will take, and what “finished” looks like.

My action list looked a little like this:

• After dinner today, I will spend one hour creating a poster of my three favorite meals in Canva.
• On Saturday, before I head to the supermarket, I will spend 20 minutes writing all items I need to prepare my favorite meals on my phone. I will then pin the note for easy reference.
• On Sunday mornings, I will dedicate one hour to preparing veggies. I will set a recurring reminder on my phone to put the prepared veggies in clear containers and store them in the fridge.

Step 6: Do the actions!

…or do what you can. Because, if you’re anything like me, you’ll rush through half your action list, trudge through the next few items, and then grind to a halt before finishing all your action steps. And to that I say: Magnificent! That’s way more than you would have done without the review. But if you find yourself making no progress at all, consider making your action steps smaller. Either way, resist perfectionism. A small step can be plenty in improving quality of life.

Put your action list somewhere you’ll easily see it. Think positive as you carry out your action steps. Visualize how much easier your life will be — and how much energy you’ll have to do things that really matter to you — once you take these steps. Aim to revisit your self-improvement plan once or twice a year.

Manage Adult ADHD: Next Steps

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I’ve held roughly 30 jobs in my lifetime — most of them before I discovered my ADHD at age 30. I’ve been in my current role for two and a half years. While my ADHD symptoms have caused difficulties at work, my organization openly discusses how to make improvements and what resources are needed to work through them.

I am grateful that my company takes a “bring your whole self to work” approach. That attitude has encouraged me to discuss my experience as an adult living with ADHD and it has taught me the importance of creating an inclusive, supportive workplace for colleagues with neurodiverse conditions. I realize that many people with ADHD are not so fortunate.

People with ADHD are chronically unemployed or underemployed. This doesn’t affect their ability to succeed at work, but it may hinder their chances of getting past the hiring stage.

Once hired, many people with ADHD wrestle with whether to reveal their diagnosis in the workplace. Understandably, many feel that disclosing their disability could attract stigma and discrimination. But if no one discloses their ADHD, how can an organization ensure that it is being inclusive?

Senior leaders and decision-makers must foster a sense of openness by actively promoting an inclusive culture. I view inclusivity as a net; the wider it is, the greater the population caught. Some tools are created for specific reasons, such as an automatic door to assist someone using a mobility device. However, this adjustment also helps someone with arthritis or a new parent pushing a stroller. In other words, the benefits of accommodations are often wider and deeper than we first imagine.

[Get This Free Download: What to Ask Yourself to Find the Perfect Job]

7 ADHD Accommodations at Work

Here are more ways to create a more inclusive workplace for individuals with ADHD.

1. Job Application Accommodations

A supportive workplace culture takes root during the hiring process. Employers must value individuals beyond their CVs and resumes, and prioritize the person ahead of the qualifications. A small change that can significantly impact the inclusivity of your hiring process is providing job applicants with materials in different formats and offering alternatives to submitting traditional CVs or resumes, such as creating video applications.

2. Targeted Training

Because ADHD affects individuals differently, employers and colleagues must understand the symptoms of inattentive, hyperactive, and combined-type ADHD — and how each one manifests. They can do this by collaborating with an ADHD expert with lived experience, seeking tailored training programs, or simply listening to colleagues with ADHD.

3. Clear Communication

To help people with ADHD stay focused and reduce overwhelm, simplify communication by summarizing key points and action items in emails. Use bullet points and highlight important information to make it quick and easy to access.

4. Visible Meeting Notes

During meetings, provide written notes or prompts. If the meeting takes place virtually, use the chat box function. This helps team members who might get flustered or need to refer to the discussion points.

[Read: DIY ADHD Accommodations for Your 9 to 5 Job]

5. Recording and Transcription Services

Recordings and transcripts of meetings can be invaluable for those with working memory challenges, allowing them to revisit the information as needed.

6. Flexible Working Hours

Some people with ADHD find they are more productive outside traditional work hours. Allowing flexible work times can maximize productivity and reduce mistakes.

7. A Balanced Perspective

When ADHD is called a “superpower,” I hear toxic positivity. Perceived strengths like creativity or resilience do not overshadow the real challenges that individuals with ADHD face; it’s important to acknowledge that it is a disabling condition with some inherently beneficial traits as well. A balanced perspective is essential for genuine inclusivity.

Supporting colleagues with ADHD in the workplace requires understanding and practical adjustments. Organizations can create a workplace where all employees thrive by promoting open communication, providing targeted training, and avoiding toxic positivity. The goal is to ensure everyone on the team feels valued and supported to do their best work.

Inclusion in the Workplace for ADHD: Next Steps

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The following is a personal essay reflecting the opinions of the author.

A few years ago, Michael, a nine-year-old boy, was brought to my office by his parents. Mom and Dad seemed comfortable when I greeted them in the waiting room, and they easily conversed as they followed me back to my office. They joked with Michael, and he appeared at ease.

After talking for a few minutes, I asked them, “So, why did you bring Michael to see me?

“The teachers say that he has a lot of trouble staying focused in the classroom,” his mom responded. “They say that he is very bright but doesn’t do well on tests because he rushes, doesn’t check his answers, and seems to stare off. Often, he only completes half of his tests. While he answers questions correctly, he fails the test because he does not complete it.”

At this point, Dad spoke up. “Wait a minute, Gayle. You know my mother told you I had the same trouble in school, but I turned out fine.”

I would have missed it had I not been sitting directly across from her, but it was at this moment that Michael’s mom rolled her eyes.

[Free Guide: What Every Thorough ADHD Diagnosis Includes]

After some testing and discussions with the teacher, Michael was diagnosed with ADHD. However, over the next five years, his father resisted the idea of treating Michael with ADHD medication, even though he responded extremely well to it, with minimal, non-serious side effects.

Dad also frequently “forgot” to give Michael his ADHD medication. If I had missed this earlier warning, I am sure I would have eventually picked up on Dad’s resistance. But the point of this story is not that Michael’s medical care would have been compromised had I missed the eye-rolling. It is that every person emits hundreds of these small, non-verbal communications every hour. And all of us, including physicians, unconsciously interpret these communications, usually accurately. Telehealth interferes with those subtle cues, which may result in a patient’s misdiagnosis or inappropriate treatment decisions.

Pros & Cons of Telehealth Evaluations for ADHD

There are certainly advantages to telehealth medical evaluations for ADHD. For one, they are relatively easy to set up. They eliminate the need to travel from home to a clinic or office, which can be problematic for some. For patients who do not have a steady income source, these evaluations also may be less expensive than in-person evaluations.

Regardless, there are serious concerns about the accuracy of telehealth evaluations. Since there are no blood tests, specific laboratory findings, X-ray findings, or diagnostic findings on a patient’s physical or neurological evaluations, the diagnosis of ADHD usually depends on a patient’s (or their parent’s) self-reporting.

[Free Directory: ADHD Specialists Serving Patients Near You]

This has proven problematic — and, in some cases, fraudulent. In June, the Justice Department charged two executives at the telehealth company Done Global with allegedly distributing Adderall and other stimulants for ADHD to patients without a proper diagnosis. Done reportedly made ADHD diagnoses based on a patient’s minute-long self-assessment and a 30-minute or less virtual evaluation with a provider.

A Better Way to Evaluate ADHD

Most pediatricians will evaluate their young patients with one parent in the room. I strongly encourage both parents to come to the initial evaluations and follow-up visits.

During the 40 years that I have evaluated patients for ADHD, I have noticed that subtle non-verbal facial expressions and messages reveal much more about how each parent feels about their child’s diagnosis or treatment than what they say. These cues could be easily missed during a telehealth evaluation.

For example, I met Danny several years ago. His mother sat in front of my desk, with Danny to her right. He appeared uninterested in our conversation but was in a good mood and smiled occasionally. While his mother spoke, Danny fidgeted, looked out the window, moved around in his seat, and interrupted occasionally.

When I asked Danny’s mom what her biggest concern was, she said, “Well, he is highly intelligent, but he has a tough time staying focused and quiet in school. As a result, he has a difficult time learning. He is very scattered.”

So, I asked my usual questions: When did this start? How was he doing in school? How were his grades? How did he get along with other kids?

[Free Series: The Caregiver’s Guide to ADHD Diagnosis]

She tried to answer each question but became visibly frustrated. Her voice quivered, and she seemed on the brink of crying. Then, she stopped talking and reached into her bag. She pulled out a brightly colored, ragged spiral notebook and handed it to me.

“Danny’s teacher uses this calendar notebook to communicate with her students’ parents,” she explained. “The teacher will write a short note about how Danny did that day. I can write a response or ask a question. The notebook goes from home to school and back again daily.”

Later that day, I started reading the notebook. But by the time I got to the third page, I felt tears in my eyes.

I didn’t need to continue reading to know what was in the rest of the notebook. I was so used to treating children with behavior and learning problems like a detective, objectively analyzing the facts, that I had forgotten what it felt like to a child and their parents. Suddenly, reading this notebook, I could tell exactly how Danny and his mother felt.

If I had used telehealth, I might have received the notebook eventually, but I would have missed how Danny’s behavior affected their lives. I might also have seen Danny’s mother’s tears on the computer monitor. However, my bigger concern was what I may have missed and how that could have affected Danny’s diagnosis and treatment.

Telehealth ADHD Evaluations: Next Steps

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On a recent Saturday, I woke from my daytime ADHD hyperfocus coma (which I didn’t realize I had slipped into) and was horrified to see that I had fallen behind my usual schedule. I write a few stories a week for the web, and weekends are critical in getting these ready to send off. But as the day drew to a close, I only had one story done.

How could time be so slippery? I went back and counted all the things I’d done earlier, because there surely had to be more accomplishments in my day. And there were — dishes, laundry, work tasks. Not bad — I’d assumed I’d only accomplished one thing, but I’d accomplished four, though three of those tasks could in no way account for all that time.

I went back through my day with a magnifying glass and — ah-ha! There they were! More accomplishments. Except these accomplishments were in the form of low-value but highly alluring distractions.

Was I mad at myself for wasting a precious Saturday? For once, I decided not to be.

A Guilt Trip Won’t Drive Me to Productivity Land

I looked down at the self-reproach stick I keep close at hand (if you have ADHD, you know the one) and flung it into the corner. Words came tumbling out of the stick and onto the floor. You shouldn’t have done what you did! How could you?!

[Read: “Shame Spiral Advice from the Counselor with ADHD Who Needs to Take Her Own Advice”]

I stepped on the words, squishing them. No mercy. Sometimes, we just need to be firm with our inner critical voices.

Instead of succumbing to self-reproach, I saw the opportunity to learn. I looked at how to prevent future Saturdays from looking like this Saturday.

I started by identifying what needed fixing and what needed encouraging, neither of which I could have done if I continued to harass myself over my missteps.

I decided to install a website blocker on my phone to deter me from reading the news, a big distractor. This worked for a while, and eventually it taught me that I don’t want to be looking at the news all day, anyway. These days, I don’t need the blocker. Instead, I purposely moved my news app four screens from the home screen. Every scroll to get there gives me a moment to mindfully pause and consider if I really want to read the news. The gap affords me the opportunity to choose better because I want to do better.

[Read: Silence Your Harshest Critic — Yourself]

I also set up a decent, doable game plan for my weekends. Instead of thinking I can get everything done, I now have a good balance of tasks. I don’t crack the proverbial whip — well, at least not as much as I did, or at least not as wickedly. I settle in and enjoy my work, task after task, and revel in crossing each one off my list. I acknowledge each completed task to myself, which fuels me on to the next thing.

Finally, I decided to program fun at the end of the day to reward myself. It’s not major – online puzzles before bed are very fun and simple treats, if I do say so.

All this, and no self-berating sticks, no “wasted” weekends. It’s such a luxury in comparison to the alternative. The pivot from being mad at myself to being happy with my progress is such a life-changer. The more I gently encourage small steps, one after the other, the more I’m rocking Saturdays like you won’t believe.

Feeling Guilty for Not Being Productive: Next Steps for ADHD Brains

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When I was diagnosed with ADHD and dyscalculia at age 38, I wept for 10-year-old me. For the little girl who could not make sense of numbers, whose legs would shake and voice tremble when forced to stand and recite multiplication tables. When I fumbled, my teacher would smack the chalkboard and shout “Wrong again!” as the class erupted in laughter. “Stupid, dumb me.” I whispered to myself as I retreated.

I also wept for teenage me, who was called “dumb” and told countless times that she just needed to “try harder.” For the girl who felt she needed to wear a mask. No matter what I did, it never felt like it was good enough.

The tears I shed after my diagnoses have been like healing rains. The grief and shame I feel are real, but I don’t want to stay in these places for too long. I want to move beyond them. So, I have decided to try to find the victory stories I never experienced as a child.

I wish my teachers knew about my ADHD and dyscalculia. I’m going to imagine what life would have been like if they did, and what they might have written in my report cards had they known the truth about my determination, suffering, and self-esteem.

1. Tends to lose concentration easily.

Erica’s wonderfully wired mind works hard to help her manage her focus and attention. To our delight, we’ve found that coloring, drawing, and playing with putty also helps her focus. I am so proud of Erica for her continued efforts to focus in the classroom. Erica, you are doing so well!

[Read: Your After-Diagnosis Acceptance Guide]

2. Is not an attentive listener.

Erica tries really hard to listen, which is so impressive, as we understand that her mind is constantly flooded with millions of different thoughts, some of them intrusive and overwhelming. I am really proud of Erica for trying, even with such a busy brain, to slow down and wait her turn. These are not easy things for her to do, but she keeps on trying.

3. Has confusion with number recall; needs to work harder.

Erica works so hard to remember her numbers but faces the challenge of dyscalculia, which is a significant learning disability. I encourage Erica to be kind to herself and know that she is doing a spectacular job. She will thrive and succeed in school and beyond because she is brave and creative. Knowing numbers is not the sum of a life well lived. Keep going, Erica!

4. Must try harder to be attentive and polite when others are talking.

Erica cares for others so deeply that, when her classmates share stories, her mind, eager to know more, explodes with questions. Sometimes she blurts out those questions, but she isn’t being rude or self-absorbed when she does so. She experiences impulsivity issues, and she also wants to make sure she can squeeze her thought in before she forgets it. She works hard to be attentive, and her zeal, kindness, and passion for connecting with others is remarkable! She has started writing down things when others talk so she can remember what was said and ask her questions later on. Good job, Erica!

5. Has allowed outside problems to impact her work.

Erica has had a tough semester. Though a bully assaulted her, it was Erica who received punishment for swearing at her bully. This incident was, understandably, massively disruptive for Erica, who also experiences RSD and justice sensitivity. In any case, Erica’s wellbeing is far more important than her schoolwork. I recommend she take a mental health month and that the incident with the bully be properly addressed.

[Read: “What Is Wrong With Me?” ADHD Truths I Wish I Knew As a Kid]

6. Disappointing results from a student with potential.

Erica will never be a disappointment. The challenges she faces with her diagnoses are plenty, and her courage and ability to continue trying and keep laughing is admirable. This is a student who is living beyond her potential every single day!

From report card to report card, and each challenge in between, onward I go with the liberating exercise of rewriting my life pre-diagnosis, no longer carrying defeat but walking in victory.

What I Wish My Teacher Knew About My ADHD: Next Steps

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