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Tag: self worth

  • Baby-Food Pouches Are Unavoidable

    Baby-Food Pouches Are Unavoidable

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    On Sunday evening, I fed a bowl of salmon, broccoli, and rice to my eight-month-old son. Or rather, I attempted to. The fish went flying; greens and grains splattered across the walls. Half an hour later, bedtime drew near, and he hadn’t eaten a thing. Exasperated, I handed him a baby-food pouch—and he inhaled every last drop of apple-raspberry-squash-carrot mush.

    For harried parents like myself, baby pouches are a lifeline. These disposable plastic packets are sort of like Capri-Suns filled with blends of pureed fruits and vegetables: A screw-top cap makes for easy slurping, potentially even making supervision unnecessary. The sheer ease of baby pouches has made them hyper-popular—and not just for parents with infants who can’t yet eat table food. They are commonly fed to toddlers; even adults sometimes eat baby pouches.

    But after my son slurped up all the goo and quickly went to sleep, I felt more guilty than relieved. Giving him a pouch felt like giving up, or taking a shortcut. No parent has the time or energy to make healthy, homemade food all the time, but that doesn’t stop Americans from still thinking “they need to try harder,” Susan Persky, a behavioral scientist at the NIH who has studied parental guilt, told me. That can leave parents stuck between a pouch and a hard place.

    Baby pouches have practically become their own food group. These shelf-stable time-savers debuted in 2008, and now come in a staggering range of blends: Gerber sells a carrot, apple, and coriander version; another, from Sprout Organics, contains sweet potato, white bean, and cinnamon. Containing basically just fruits and veggies, pouches are generally seen as a “healthy” option for kids. A 2019 report found that the product accounts for roughly a quarter of baby-food sales. Around the same time, a report on children attending day care showed that pouches are included in more than a quarter of lunch boxes, and some kids get more than half their lunchtime nutrition from them.

    But pouches should be just a “sometimes food,” Courtney Byrd-Williams, a professor at the University of Texas’s Houston School of Public Health, told me. When you stack up their drawbacks, relying on them can really start to feel dispiriting. Although pouches are generally produce-based, they tend to have less iron than fortified cereal does and more added sugars than jarred baby food. Excess sweetness may encourage kids to eat more than necessary and could promote a sweet tooth that could later contribute to diet-related chronic disease.

    If consumed in excess, pouches may also get in the way of kids learning how to eat real food. Unlike jarred baby food, which tends to contain a single vegetable or several, pouches usually include fruit to mask the bitter with the sweet. “If we’re only giving them pouches,” Byrd-Williams said, “are they learning to like the vegetable taste?” And because the purees are slurped, they don’t give infants the opportunity to practice chewing, potentially delaying development. In 2019, the German Society for Pediatrics and Adolescent Medicine went so far as to issue a statement against baby pouches, warning that eating them may delay eating with a spoon or fingers.

    And then, the scariest scenario: Earlier this month, the CDC reported that hundreds of kids may have lead poisoning from pouches containing contaminated applesauce. Perhaps more troubling, a recent analysis by Consumer Reports found that even certain pouches on the market that weren’t implicated in the contamination scandal also contain unusually high levels of lead.

    Naturally, these concerns can make parents anxious. Online, caregivers fret that their reliance on the products might leave their child malnourished. Some worry that their kid will never learn how to eat solid food or figure out how to chew. Pouches, to be clear, are hardly a terrible thing to feed your kid. They can be a reliable way to get fruits and vegetables into picky kids, offering a convenience that is unrivaled.

    But pouch guilt doesn’t stem entirely from health concerns. By making parenting easier, they also are a reminder of what expectations parents aren’t meeting. I wanted to be the kind of mom who would consistently make my son home-cooked food and persevere through a tough meal, but on Sunday, I was just too exhausted. Guilt is a fact of life for many parents. Virtually anything can trigger it: going to work, staying at home, spending too much time on your phone, not buying supersoft bamboo baby clothes. If parents can have unrealistic standards about it, it’s fair game. “There’s just a lot of guilt about what parents should be doing,” Byrd-Williams said.

    But feeding children is especially fraught. Parents are often told what they should feed their children—breast milk, fresh produce—but never how to do so; they’re left to figure that out on their own. About 80 percent of mothers and fathers experience guilt around feeding, Persky told me—about giving their kids sugary or ultra-processed foods or caving to requests for junk. Guilt might be an impetus for better food choices, but Persky said she has found the opposite: Parents who are made to feel guilty about the way they feed their kids end up choosing less healthy foods. “It’s hard to parent when you’re struggling with self-worth,” she said.

    Pouch guilt has less to do with the products themselves and more to do with what they represent: convenience, ease, a moment of respite. Asking for a break conflicts with the core expectations of American parenthood, particularly motherhood. At every turn, parents are pressured to do more for their kids; on social media, momfluencers tout home-cooked baby food and meticulously styled birthday parties. The American mentality is that the “moral and correct way to do things is to have infinite willpower,” Persky said, and in this worldview, “shortcuts seem like an inherently bad thing.” Raising children is supposed to be about hard work and self-sacrifice—about pureeing carrots at home instead of buying them in a plastic packet. But when parents are constantly short on time, sometimes the best they can do is scrape together as much as they can, one squeeze pouch after another.

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    Yasmin Tayag

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  • Online Dating As A Disabled Woman Is Hell. But It Taught Me Something Important.

    Online Dating As A Disabled Woman Is Hell. But It Taught Me Something Important.

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    “Well, I couldn’t date someone in a wheelchair.” The words were aggressive in their abruptness, decisiveness and dismissal. “You could never be left alone or fucked.”

    I received this message on a mainstream dating app.

    I have cerebral palsy. I use a wheelchair, and I’ve often encountered ableist abuse on dating apps. To this man, and many others, my disability rendered me undateable and unfuckable.

    Online dating is a fraught experience for most. It’s the ease with which people can be dismissed. You’ve committed to nothing except a few anonymous messages and can continue to scroll indiscriminately when an online persona isn’t to your liking.

    For those with disabilities and others with marginalized identities, there’s an additional layer of awfulness and dehumanization. But the grueling landscape of mainstream dating apps has helped to shape me into the woman I am today — a disabled woman who knows her worth.

    It’s a hard-won lesson: At the beginning of my 20s, I constantly sought approval and validation.

    I began using dating apps in college. Comparing matches with friends was just a routine aspect of campus life. My goal wasn’t to be in a relationship as I had just started at the university; it just felt natural, since everyone was doing it.

    I didn’t have many disabled friends, so I couldn’t articulate the struggle: Whenever I told friends that I was reluctant to disclose my disability, they would tell me I must. But that’s easy to say when you’re not being bombarded with microaggressions and abuse. For instance, being told I was a liability, that my body must be deformed or that anyone who would date me must be a saint for putting up with my “problems.”

    The question of when to disclose a disability is so loaded, and everyone has to find a way to navigate it personally.

    I have had several success stories, and when those relationships ended, it wasn’t because of my disability. It was because we found other reasons to be fatally incompatible: The sex wasn’t great, the spark wasn’t there or the long distance took its toll. Those are the ordinary reasons relationships break down and have nothing to do with the stereotypes of disabled women as burdens or sexless.

    As I’ve gotten older, I have realized that you can’t let the opinions of others dictate your self-worth. The men who reject me because of my disability hold little value. I’m now comfortable in my skin ― and the dating app hellscape helped thicken it.

    I reflected on this when I learned of a new dating app solely for disabled and chronically ill people, Dateability. The app bears the slogan “Making love accessible.” It’s been designed to create a welcoming place for disabled people so that we can date without fear of encountering ableist attitudes and behaviors.

    I understand the appeal. But experience teaches us that as hard as we might try to construct a fantasy ― an impenetrable bubble ― reality will always seep in.

    It remains a radical act to move with pride in a disabled body. First, I had to learn through my experiences to deconstruct others’ ideas of what it is to be disabled ― to push back against their fears and ignorance, to question the non-disabled who tried to smother my hard-won self-confidence. Then, finally, I owned my disability ― I claimed it for the first time. But it’s an ongoing process.

    It’s taken years of my life to get to this place, but my dating app experiences have taught me one simple truth: You’ve got to go through it.

    I presumed my dating life would be like “Sex and the City.” I wanted to flit between romantic entanglements, have casual sex, meet attractive, inappropriate men in glamorous locations and form relationships that could span a one-episode storyline or an entire series.

    I wanted to be Samantha Jones until reality set in. There was no disabled Samantha Jones. I fell outside the limited 2D view of what it was to be a woman. The show was aspirational, and disabled women weren’t and aren’t taught to aspire ― to be seen.

    In this environment, disabled women inevitably struggle to feel desirable. We’re still desexualized, patronized, infantilized and viewed as “unfuckable.”

    “Can you have sex?” I was once asked on a first date ― because otherwise, he opined, “what’s the point?”

    When I first started dating, my response would have been different. I would have assured them that I could and been friendly about explaining exactly how. I told the last man who asked me to “fuck off.”

    Experience has given me an inbuilt list of ableist red flags. The most common is having someone do physical things for me without my consent. Trying to undermine my independence or tell me I misunderstood their intention. A man once said the word “retard” in casual conversation; it slipped out, but I consider it an extreme slur, and we never saw each other again. It’s learning about the often seemingly small behaviors that may grow later and trusting your instincts.

    Sometimes our disability is weaponized against us, like when my ex-partner told me he couldn’t cope with my disability or how people stared at us. It was a parting blow I had to rebuild from alone.

    Going through the experience of dating has allowed me to consider who I am and what I want. Every dating experience I’ve ever had has, in some way, forced me to confront ableism ― it has forced me to question it. Knowing my worth, setting my boundaries and demanding respect have been crucial. But unfortunately, it’s something I’ve had to learn the hard way, and I’ve had to unlearn a lot of unhealthy ideas about how disabled women should move through the world to get there.

    All of this makes the idea of a sheltered place for “accessible” love enticing. Being on the frontlines is hard. But we deserve to date without separation or partition

    Specialized apps limit our dating pool severely. And if mainstream dating apps such as Bumble, Tinder and eharmony aren’t preventing people from spewing ignorance, hatred and ableism, what can a smaller app do to prevent catfishing, scamming or people targeting the platform specifically because they have a disability fetish?

    It’s so important that disabled people are on mainstream dating apps because we shouldn’t be “othered” and cut off. We deserve to take up space as much as any non-disabled person ― which is something we’ve been told we shouldn’t do. It’s our right to decide who, how and where we date, including on “mainstream” dating apps. We can’t let ignorance continue to push us back.

    The apps need to ensure that users are removed when they receive a complaint of harassment or abusive language. I have often complained and flagged inappropriate behavior, as have many disabled women I know. When we tell apps that other users are abusive and provide evidence of that abuse, they should act responsibly.

    One in four American adults is disabled. The next generation will know the feeling of having their experiences reflected more fully ― but we’ve got to hold our nerve. Creating a dating app just for disabled and chronically ill people isn’t what we have fought for. It limits us.

    Mainstream dating apps have shaped the woman I am today. I sit comfortably with myself as a disabled woman who has been through it. I still use apps, more sparingly now, because life moves on.

    I understand wanting to construct a dating utopia ― we were the generation of disabled women introduced to dating apps without even a disabled teen mag cheat sheet. But we must keep on for our own good so that the next generation of disabled people doesn’t have to go through what we did.

    Do you have a compelling personal story you’d like to see published on HuffPost? Find out what we’re looking for here and send us a pitch.

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