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First. Second. Third. Where do you come into play when setting your priorities?
If you didn’t answer “first”… you should take a good look at yourself and rethink things.
Making yourself a priority, especially your physical and mental well-being, is the best way to put your best self out there for all the world to see. Nobody benefits from a tired or depressed version of yourself… especially not you.
Know that your needs matter… and commit to prioritizing them. Your best moments and acts in life will come when your basic needs are met.
So are you ready to live your best life?
It starts by putting your priorities first.
Why Make Yourself a Priority
A healthy life consists of engaging in activities meant to help you function at your best… activities like exercising, eating healthily, hydrating yourself and getting enough rest.
You won’t concentrate at work if you don’t get enough sleep. You’ll be low on energy during spin class if you don’t eat enough protein.
If you don’t take the time to feel thankful, you’ll feel guilty around others. And if you’re barely active, well, sitting too much has been compared to smoking too many cigarettes.
You need to stay active to stay well. That means practicing self-care:
Your goal is to:
Think clearly
Have enough endurance
Get started on work soon enough
Feel better about yourself
Have enough energy
Do you know what these benefits mean? They mean a better, more complete you! Someone who’s focused on what matters, from your best friends to your loving parents, to your relationships with your colleagues.
An optimistic, pleasant you will better serve your interests and others. And that’s all thanks to the energy and improved mood… both of which come from practicing self-care.
So here’s the first question you should be asking yourself… what do I need and why? And the rest will fall into place.
13 Steps to Make Yourself a Priority
1. Define your needs
From keeping a roof over your head to making sure your family has food, nothing should stand in the way of you being healthy.
Start by writing down the basic aspects of your life (health, finances, mood, etc). A journaling habit will help you stay attentive to the changes you need to make.
Write a single, succinct sentence describing a specific need for each aspect of your life. List as many as there are and make sure to differentiate between what you need and what you merely want. When you’re done, you’ll have an overwhelming reason to believe your needs matter most.
A helpful way to know exactly what you need to is to realize what’s important to you. Watch the video below to learn about the Four Burners Theory and the specific strategies you can use to implement this concept.
2. Set boundaries around your time and space
There are some lines you just don’t cross. Knowing where other people’s boundaries lie will help you learn to respect your own.
Look at the people in your life. Learn what makes them uncomfortable regarding their time and space.
Do they not want to be touched?
Would they prefer someone ask before taking?
Limit favors and loans?
Pay back what’s borrowed?
Of course, everyone hates it when someone interrupts them.
Figure out what other people’s boundaries are as you take a hard look at your own. You’ll see the similarities exist for one main reason: Everyone’s human. And we all have a breaking point.
Do now:
Remind your friends and family what your values are (more on values later)
Show and explain how having your boundaries violated changes you
Encourage people to consider how they’d want to be treated
When your goal is prioritizing yourself, you’re better off making sure others know where not to go.
Declare your boundaries. Then watch others’ respect for you grow.
3. Learn to forgive yourself
Forgiving yourself means accepting where you went wrong, why your actions were wrong, and how they affected another party.
In the short term, you’ll feel a great burden being lifted from your shoulders. You can’t make much progress when you’re always feeling guilty or ashamed.
Alone time gives you space to create goals meant to keep you going forward.
You need to feel free and without burdens to make yourself a priority. If you’re constantly beating yourself up, expect to put others first. It comes down to you believing you might deserve less when in reality, you deserve better.
4. Practice putting your priorities first
Your work never gets done. Your performance suffers. You end up with more tasks on your plate. And you’ll be left with unfinished tasks that you needed to get done, as well as finished tasks that should have been someone else’s responsibility.
Friends, family, and colleagues won’t feel bad if you suffered some unfortunate outcome because you didn’t prioritize yourself.
So, do your work first. Study your lessons now. Exercise before you pick up a friend from downtown. Then take a walk and have a cup of tea before you spend hours on the phone. The time you spend prioritizing yourself will give you time to focus on priorities concerning others.
For now, focus on you first.
5. Learn to say no
The next step to make yourself a priority is learning to say ‘no’. You also have to make sure you don’t feel guilty about it later.
Offering a ‘yes’ to every request will put you behind on your goals. You want the freedom to be able to say ‘no’ so you can make yourself a priority.
Wouldn’t you feel more in control if you could make a conscious decision?
Learning to say ‘no’ will help you in finding respect for yourself. That’s because giving in to everyone else will make you feel weak. But accepting you made a choice that benefits you is key to moving forward. Especially when others don’t get what they want.
If it’s you getting what you need first, then others may have to deal with a rebuttal. Start today by saying ‘no’ to something you know you can’t comply with. Then assess how you felt afterward before applying changes to how you react.
Maybe next time you want to provide a flat ‘no’ without any supporting information. Or, maybe you noticed your ‘no’ was a bit curt, and you could come across more politely to someone in need.
And if you need a little more help with this area, take a few minutes to watch the video below:
6. Do more of what you love doing
For happiness. For fun. For laughs or to learn something. The more interests and you have, the more you should participate in those endeavors—before having someone else’s idea of fun. True happiness is part of putting yourself first.
How would you rather feel, happy or disappointed?
If the former is true, then make time for activities you struggle to enjoy. You need to feel positive in both your heart and mind, but you’ll never be happy if you’re always putting others first.
Make yourself a priority by remembering that you only get to live once. So, you might as well spend time doing what you love.
7. Start sticking to your values
Damaged relationships, unfortunate encounters, and acts out of your control will challenge your beliefs.
The negative experiences in life will force you to question who you are.
When you put your beliefs first, you don’t risk changing your personality to fit someone else’s way of living. To make yourself a priority, you need time and space to express your feelings.
Ask yourself:
What makes me feel angry?
Who would I want to stand up for?
What issues cause me the most excitement?
What problem would you solve through a major sacrifice?
The answers to these questions will help you understand your values. You cannot put your priorities first without knowing why your beliefs influence your actions.
8. Indulge yourself when you can
Eating, vacationing, or having a couple of glasses of wine are fun ways to feel happy.
At the end of every week, focus on one or more accomplishments. What is one way you can reward yourself that will be extra special? Create a memorable moment for hard work done. Then remind yourself that hard work pays off.
Pro tip: Indulge in yourself when you can and you won’t feel the urge to indulge when you shouldn’t.
It might seem counterintuitive, but making yourself a priority means carving out time for others.
9. Try new things
Schedule time to try things you never tried before. Whether it’s a new course at a restaurant or an exercise that’ll push your muscles, you’ll long for the thrill of trying new experiences.
Success is within your grasp, so, start by:
Volunteering
Meeting people online
Joining Facebook groups for events, or
Asking around
You’re more than likely to find these opportunities when you open your mind. You can even create a morning routine where you plan one activity each day you want to try something new.
There is something about being healthy that makes you feel organized, in control, and focused on self-improvement.
Conversely, letting your body go to waste is a sign you’re not invested in your future.
After all, the steps you take toward being healthy today will influence the kind of life you live later.
All you should focus on is:
Tracking your workout progress to know when to try harder
Getting exercise every day
Eating a variety of healthy fruits and vegetables
Getting at least 7 hours of sleep every night
Monitoring your mood after recent lifestyle changes
Like you learned earlier, much of taking care of your body involves taking care of your basic needs.
If your body breaks down, your work performance will suffer. You’ll feel less motivated and focused, and have less time on your hands to make positive changes to your life.
Your life is precious. So, track your progress. At some point, head back to your journal or use your head. What changes can you make to make your body healthy? What unfortunate scenarios might result if you don’t make those changes?
11. Learn to challenge yourself alone
Once you’ve gotten into the habit of taking care of your body, you can embrace personal and professional challenges alone. That way, when you’re successful, you have reason to feel proud.
But when you fail, you take responsibility for your mistakes, applying insight from your experiences to make changes going forward.
You learn more about yourself when you face challenges alone. Doing so places you first, as you know you’ll need energy and strength to fight the battles ahead.
Rather than rely on others, you embrace your positive traits, gathering the courage to take risks for better rewards.
Why not experience those rewards by yourself? You earned them right?
12. Spend more time to yourself
Solitude gives you time to breathe easily and escape stress. You can reflect on your progress and adjust your goals.
Ask yourself if you’re taking time to yourself. If you are, you’ll know you’re recharging your batteries. Alone time gives you space to create goals meant to keep you going forward.
Imagine if you could spend a week in a cabin. You’d be able to set goals that are realistic and attainable. Those you could accomplish in a reasonable timeframe.
SMART goals are results-oriented. They’re manageable. So, when you embrace time alone, you can be sure you have a plan for life. Ultimately, if you want to make time for you, then you need to recognize how spending time alone makes you feel better as a person.
From there, you’ll see solitude as an opportunity to grow and improve. Going forward, it’ll be much easier to take that time you need to yourself.
After all, who wants to feel exhausted and overwhelmed?
13. Spend more time with others
If you’re there for others, you have the right to be there for yourself.
It might seem counterintuitive, but making yourself a priority means carving out time for others.
When you invest energy into movie nights, late-night suppers, and family pizza nights… your days become brighter and more pleasant because social interaction stimulates chemicals in your brain that make you feel happy.
Not only that, but you also get better brain health and reduced chances of getting Alzheimer’s. So, it’s worth finding time to socialize.
Are you more introverted lately? Spending less time hanging out? Then, you can benefit from incorporating more contacts and appointments into your weekly schedule.
Time spent socializing now gives you the right to claim time for yourself later.
So, add an extra few hours to routine meetings.
Compromise with friends and family. Think, “How can we make sure both of our needs are being met?”
Express more interest in your interactions with others. Afterward, you’ll find it’s easy to embrace the solitude you need to prioritize yourself.
Final Thoughts on Making Yourself a Priority
The day you decide to put yourself first is the day you will start making real progress towards your goals in life. The values and beliefs that matter most will propel you to make the changes you need in order to prioritize yourself.
Whether your self-improvement goals are changing by the day, or stern and steadfast… putting your needs, goals, and priorities ahead of others is a challenge you’ll have to accept if you want to live your best and most happy life.
Movies can be an excellent social bonding experience in a variety of situations, including first dates, family movie nights, group watches, couples therapy, and professional settings. Learn more about the emotional dynamics behind watching films together.
Beyond being a source of entertainment, films have the power to foster social bonds and create shared experiences among individuals.
Whether it’s getting together at a friend’s house on a weekend night, embarking on a first date at the theaters, or upholding a family tradition of watching the same movie during holidays, watching movies together is one of the most common ways we connect with others.
But what’s the psychology behind these cinematic connections? Let’s dive into the many social benefits behind movie watching and how they can improve our relationships in a number of different social settings.
Shared Experiences
Every time you press “Play” on a new movie, you are starting a collective journey with whoever you are watching with. No one knows what will happen, so you are both entering the unknown together and experiencing it for the first time.
Every film is a rollercoaster of different emotions – joy, laughter, surprise, fear, suspense, disgust, sadness, anger – and everyone is experiencing those emotions together as a “hive mind.” Research shows emotions are contagious, and when multiple people are experiencing the same emotion in unison, feelings are often amplified more than if you were just experiencing it by yourself.
Movies create new shared experiences that mark new chapters throughout our relationship. “Remember that one time we saw Wolf on Wall Street? That was fun!” A memorable movie can become a distinct event in our relationship’s storyline, especially if it symbolizes a special day like a first date, birthday, or anniversary, giving us a positive memory to look back on and reminisce about.
Watching movies together doesn’t require much work, it effortlessly creates a sense of unity among the people watching. Even if everyone hates the movie, it still creates a shared bond, “Wow, that movie was really stupid!” and then you can all laugh about it.
Icebreaker and Conversation Starter
Watching films together serves as an excellent icebreaker, especially in situations where individuals may be meeting for the first time or trying to strengthen new connections.
The movie theater, often considered a classic venue for a first date, provides a natural conversation starter. After the credits roll, initiating a conversation becomes as easy as asking, “Did you like the movie? Why or why not?” Ask about favorite scenes or whether they’ve seen other movies featuring the same actor or actress.
Use the film as a springboard into other topics to talk about. If you’re skilled at conversation threading, you should be able to take one thing from the film and branch off into more important subjects. If it’s a film about music, inquire about their musical preferences or whether they play an instrument. For sports-themed movies, explore their favorite sports or childhood sports experiences.
Icebreakers aren’t exclusive to first dates; they’re equally helpful in building connections in various scenarios, whether it’s getting to know a coworker outside the office or deepening a friendship.
One fair criticism of movies as a bonding experience is that you don’t get to do much talking during them. It’s a passive experience, not an active one. But there are also benefits to this: it’s a shared experience with little effort (no pressure, just sit and watch), and it gives you a convenient starting point for more meaningful conversation later on.
Nostalgia and Tradition
For many, watching films together is not just an occasional activity but a cherished tradition that spans multiple generations.
Family movie nights play a pivotal role in strengthening the bonds between parents and children. Holiday film marathons, especially during festive seasons, elevate our collective spirit and enhance the joyous atmosphere. Revisiting favorite childhood movies creates a profound sense of nostalgia, keeping us connected to our past.
One popular family tradition may be during Christmas, such as having A Christmas Story playing in the background as you decorate the tree or watching It’s A Wonderful Life every Christmas eve.
These traditions are about more than just the movie; they’re about creating a whole family experience. Infuse your own unique twist by turning it into a game, baking homemade cookies before watching, or simply enjoying jokes and good company. The film itself is just one aspect of a complete family ritual and bonding experience.
When families embrace these shared traditions, they contribute to a profound sense of belonging and unity. These rituals become the threads weaving together the fabric of family ties and friendships over long periods of time.
Team Building and Group Bonding
Beyond personal connections, watching films together can be an effective team-building activity in professional settings.
Organizational unity can be difficult to achieve for many companies, especially when workers have radically different jobs and skillsets, often being assigned to work within one department of a company but being siloed off from the organization as a whole.
Movie nights and film screenings can be an effective way to provide employees with a stronger sense of unity and camaraderie. Different departments that normally don’t see each other get to cross-pollinate and make connections with faces they don’t often get to see. Scheduled events like this can foster a team of teams mindset, helping to interconnect different departments into a cohesive whole.
Perhaps certain movies depict an idea, philosophy, or mindset that an organization wants to embrace more of. Requiring every employee to watch a movie together is more than just making friends at work, it can also tap into a deeper meaning behind the organization’s mission and purpose.
Couples Therapy
Movies can serve as bouncing points to important conversations that need to be had between spouses and loved ones.
It’s not always easy to bring up certain topics of conversation, but through film you can organically dive into subjects that otherwise wouldn’t get brought up in everyday discourse, like mental health, sex and intimacy, or experiencing grief after a tragedy or loss.
It’s common for a couples therapist to recommend a specific movie to their clients. You may already know of a movie that you’d like to share with someone. You can also ask friends or seek recommendations online. Ask yourself, “What’s something I really want to talk about with my partner?” then “What’s a good movie that can introduce this topic?”
A powerful film can help couples process their relationship more clearly. It shows the universality of humanity – you’re not alone with whatever you are going through – and brings ideas out in the open that need to be expressed or talked about.
One exercise you can try together is to each take notes or fill out a movie analysis worksheet while watching.
Communal Bonding and Bridging Social Divides
On a larger scale, film watching can help bridge cultural and social divides, as well as be used as a tool for communal bonding.
Social events such as public screenings, outdoor showings, movie festivals, or drive-thru theaters are great settings to watch a movie among a large and diverse group of people within your community.
These days with easy access to streaming services at home, most people watch movies all by themselves, but there used to be a time when movie-watching was an intrinsically social activity done in public spaces.
As we continue to see a decline in community feeling, movies may be one avenue to start bringing people together again as a cohesive group.
One idea is for local organizations to throw more public events with film features to celebrate holidays or special events – or you can set up a projector on your garage door and invite some neighbors for a weekend movie watch.
Conclusion
Watching films together is more than just a passive form of entertainment; it is a dynamic social activity that brings people together, creating lasting bonds and shared memories.
Films are universal connectors. Whether it’s with family, friends, or colleagues, the act of watching a movie together creates an automatic bond and sense of unity.
Are you a big movie watcher? In what situations can use film watching to improve your relationships with family, friends, loved ones, or coworkers?
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Improving something by 1 percent every day simply means looking for very small positive changes that you can make every day that help you get closer to your most important goals and objectives.
In fact, this philosophy of self-development is widely regarded in the Far East.
The Japanese have a philosophy called kaizen, which can be roughly translated to “change for better” or “continuous improvement.” You can apply this way of thinking to pretty much anything.
The Japanese apply this to industry, business, management, and any product or service that you can imagine.
The idea of perpetually refining something is a large part of Japanese culture, but you can make it a part of your personal culture, too.
What Does it Mean to Get 1% Better Every Day?
While it can be easy to get hung up on exactly what “1 percent improvement” looks like it just means that no matter how small or trivial a change looks to be, as long as it helps you in some way and you can do it every day, it’s good.
Here are some examples:
A 1 percent improvement in fitness could be something as simple as doing a 5-minute walk every day (or even a 1-minute walk).
A 1 percent improvement in business could be brainstorming new ideas for 5-10 minutes when you’re commuting or have some dead time.
A 1 percent improvement in your morning routine could be having a healthier breakfast, going to bed 10 or 20 minutes earlier, or meditating for 5 minutes in the morning to clear your mind.
A 1 percent improvement in giving up smoking could mean giving up one cigarette each day for a month, and then giving up another one after a month, etc.
These very small “1 percent” changes add up over time, and they make profoundly positive impacts on your life.
The Principles of Continuous Improvement
“The successful warrior is the average man with laser-like focus.” – Bruce Lee
Making small, incremental improvements is not about trying to move mountains, it’s about seeing how you can make small, positive changes every day.
In Japan, companies that embrace kaizen do the following:
Study their different processes and procedures every day, and make plans on what needs improvement.
Cut away waste and focus on what provides the best results.
Make it a priority to quickly learn from mistakes.
Toyota (which is the largest automobile manufacturer in the world) holds kaizen as one of its core principles.
The Small Changes Every Day vs the Change Everything Now Approach
One well-known way to change your life is what is commonly referred to as the “New Year’s Resolution method.”
Under this method, an individual decides to achieve their dream job, find a perfect partner, get in the best shape of their life, declutter everything, and perhaps bring about world peace when they get the chance.
A widely recognized approach to transform your life is often described as the “New Year’s Resolution method.”
There’s nothing wrong with ambition and taking big steps, but if you already have a lot on your plate, there’s a very good chance you’re going to fall off the wagon, and all of your good intentions will topple over along with you.
A Little Everyday Goes a Long Way
Instead of thinking big, consider what small changes you can create that will compound over time.
Instead of writing a book over a single month, spread it out into small, 30-minute blocks.
Instead of going to a fitness book camp and torturing yourself with hour-long exhaustive exercise sessions, look for ways to add small bouts of activity to your day.
If you build a side hustle or learn a skill for just 10 minutes every day, how far would you get in a year?
If you spend 10-30 minutes reading at night, how many books could you get through in a year?
Spend 20 minutes looking at what bothers you, and figure out small things you can do that will make life easier for you.
This kind of planning and thinking can be revolutionary.
Instead of gung-ho goals (which can be exciting and overwhelming), you focus on small details that add up to huge results over time.
The Power of Small Changes
To understand why this works, you need to understand homeostasis.
Homeostasis is a biological term that describes how your body tries to keep your physiology stable at all times, including your blood pressure, cholesterol levels, blood glucose, and brainwave patterns.
If one thing goes up, another thing must come down to compensate, or else the entire system falls apart.
When you make many huge, energy-intensive changes all at once, you eat into your adaptive reserves. The technical term for this is your allostatic load, and it is the point when stress turns from adaptive to maladaptive (aka, bad for you).
What happens when you try hard but don’t see results? You feel demotivated and stop enjoying the pursuit of your goals and objectives.
Making small, incremental changes is the opposite of this. Instead of draining your adaptive reserves and causing inevitable pushback, you tiptoe your way to success.
Small, daily changes don’t have the big, juicy impact of massive action, but they fit into your daily life and compound over time to become huge changes.
The kaizen approach is like swimming with the current instead of against it. You take things slowly, make something a little better, and reduce what isn’t working for you over time.
A Constant Improvement Action Plan
“Most people overestimate what they can do in one year and underestimate what they can do in 10 years.” – Bill Gates
Hopefully, we’ve sold you on the power of thinking small.
Let’s see how you can apply this in your life.
Start with Asking Small Questions
Challenging goals can often become paralyzing. It can be difficult to know where to start.
It can be gratifying to finally find an area of life you want to improve, such as getting more exercise, eating better, setting up a business, or improving your marriage and other relationships.
You decide what you want to focus on, but then become frustrated because you don’t know where to start.
This is where small questions come into play.
In The Kaizen Way by Rob Maurer, he claims that small questions lead to a “mental environment that welcomes unabashed creativity and playfulness.”
Smaller scope = a more playful and creative attitude.
Here are some examples from the book:
“If health were my first priority, what would I be doing differently today?”
“What is one way I can remind myself to drink more water?”
“How could I incorporate a few more minutes of exercise into my daily routine?”
“What is the one thing I can do today to improve my productivity?” (Career)
“What can I do today to reduce the balance on my credit card with the highest percentage?” (Finance)
“What is one type of healthy food that I can introduce to my diet?” (Health)
“How can I get an extra 5 to 10 minutes of relaxation during my busy work day?” (Leisure)
What is one thing I can do to show my appreciation to my spouse?” (Relationships)
“Who is struggling in the world right now and what is one small thing I can do to help them?” (Service)
“What is one quick habit I can build that will help me relax daily?” (Spirituality)
When you’re stuck with a big goal, ask yourself small questions about what small actions you can take to get you a step closer today.
Even if it seems like a tiny step forward, you are still creating forward momentum.
If you’re looking for simple daily habits that will help you make consistent, constant improvements throughout your life, then watch this video:
Build Small Habits into Your Daily Routine
Making time for important activities is easy, but what happens when the time comes and the motivation goes?
Mini habits is a term coined by Stephen Guise. He has an entire book that can help you understand this term in detail. It’s called (you guessed it) Mini Habits.
Here is a common scenario mini habits can help you with:
You’ve decided to start a business as a solopreneur.
You devote one hour a day to working on it.
Everything goes perfectly for the first week or two.
You feel the rush of working on something new and life-changing.
Your boss at your day job asks you to work late, and now you don’t have the time or energy to work on your new business.
This situation repeats itself over and over again, and now the first week of bountiful progress you made amounts to nothing.
Instead, you could do something smaller:
You start a business as a solopreneur.
You spend 10 minutes a day working on it.
You ask yourself what is the most pressing thing you should do in those 10 minutes.
There are ups and downs, but over the months you start to make very real progress on your business.
This progress becomes very motivating, and you find yourself spending more and more time on your business without having to force yourself to do so.
You keep asking questions about small things you can improve.
Some other examples:
You spend 5 minutes a day walking or jogging in place (fitness mini habit).
You write a single paragraph every day (writing mini habit).
You get out of bed 5 minutes earlier (anti-procrastination/self-discipline mini habit).
You compliment a stranger every day (social skills mini habit).
You eliminate a single sugary drink or junk food item from your diet (health mini habit).
Over time, these mini habits naturally expand. Instead of forcing yourself to run a mile, write a book, or eat clean, you organically grow your way in that direction instead.
Leverage Technology (If You Want)
Applications like Todoist can act as technological taskmasters that support healthy habits and actions.
If your life is feeling a bit packed, it’s easy to let things slip through the cracks.
Apps like Todoist give you a space to note down everything you need to do in a day, and then break those down into small steps.
Having all of this in one place can be tremendously helpful when you’re practicing the kaizen principle.
It can help you ask questions about your daily routine and enable you to see where your time might be spent either more efficiently or more fulfillingly.
For more about Todoist, how it can help you, and how you can master it, check out Todoist Master.
The Big Benefits of a Small Daily Improvement
There are some huge benefits to be had from applying the 1% daily improvement principle to your life.
You focus more on the process and less on the outcome: When you seek to improve something daily as part of a larger goal, you start to look at the process more and the outcome less. As James Clear (author of Atomic Habits) states here, winners focus on the process, because the goal doesn’t get you anywhere.
You become more patient and consider the long term: It takes time to build lasting success. If you want to own a successful business, you have to maintain effort over time.
You become more creative/innovative: When you spend time every day thinking of creative ways to make things that are important to you a little better, is it any surprise that this way of thinking starts to spill over into other areas of your life?
You become more engaged with life: When you seek out small improvements, it’s hard to not feel motivated and engaged. Instead of dreading the effort you’re going to have to put in, you feel excited about where you can go.
Final Thoughts on 1% Improvements
It’s hard to oversell the benefits of the kaizen philosophy and the power of mini habits. It doesn’t take long to see practical benefits from following this approach, and it benefits you no matter who you are or what situation you’re in. What’s not to like?
Here’s a summary of everything we’ve covered in this article:
The kaizen philosophy is about seeking small improvements in things you do every day to achieve your goals.
You start by asking yourself small questions to get started (what little thing can I do today to help me make progress?).
You combine this with mini habits, which are straightforward actions that don’t take a lot of time.
Over time, this results in huge improvements.
Finally, you reap the benefits and can be pleasantly surprised at how far you’ve come!
And if you want more resources about self-improvement, be sure to check out these blog posts:
Learn from past love to improve future love. This worksheet will guide you step-by-step so that you can take away the most important lessons from your past relationships.
What are the six aspects of a balanced person? Physical, mental, emotional, social, work/financial, and meaning/spiritual. Learn more about each one and how to improve it!
In life, there isn’t one single area that we need to focus on that is going to magically fix all of our problems.
Instead there are multiple dimensions behind every “good life.” Each dimension requires our attention and each contributes to our overall happiness and well-being.
Here are six aspects of life that come together to create a “balanced person.” By being more aware of these different dimensions in life, we can determine which areas we need to focus on more and work to improve.
The different aspects of a balanced person include: 1) Physical, 2) Mental, 3) Emotional, 4) Social, 5) Work/Financial and 6) Meaning/Spiritual.
If we focus too much on any one area, then we risk neglecting another one. For example, if you become solely focused on just work and money, you may end up spending less time taking care of your physical and mental health, or less quality time with family and friends.
This is a common trap people fall into. They focus all of their energy and effort into one area in life while completely ignoring another. Often they need to reconfigure their core values and priorities before making a meaningful change.
This is why practicing balance in all things is so important.
Each of these areas is one piece of a much larger puzzle, and only when you have all of these areas working together harmoniously can you finally build a complete life that serves all of your needs.
Here’s a detailed breakdown of each aspect of a “balanced person,” along with tips, tools, and practical advice on how you can start improving each one.
While reading ask yourself, “Which aspect do I need to focus on the most right now? What’s one small change I can make to improve that area?”
Now let’s dive in…
1. PHYSICAL WELL-BEING
The “physical” aspect of life is all about taking care of our health, especially exercise, diet, and sleep.
This includes what types of foods and drinks we consume on a daily basis, how often we exercise and keep our bodies moving, personal hygiene and cleanliness, as well as minimizing alcohol, smoking, and other harmful habits to our physical health.
Our body is one of the most precious gifts we have – and without it we can’t exist. If we don’t stay healthy, we often can’t fully enjoy all the other aspects of life such as family, work, traveling, or leisure.
Our health can often have a spillover effect into all the other aspects of our lives – for that reason, taking care of our physical health is often an essential first step on any road to self-improvement.
No matter what the current state of our health is, it’s never too late to start changing our habits, even if it’s something small like stretching in the morning, taking daily walks outside, or starting an active hobby like Yoga, marathon running, or playing sports.
A healthy body is a healthy mind. When we take better care of our bodies, we also feel more confident, motivated, and energized overall. That’s the beginning of bringing out your best self.
Things to do:
Identify small ways to be more physically active. Often our days are filled with opportunities to be more active, we just need to take advantage of them. Try to cultivate an “everything counts” mindset when it comes to exercise, even if it just means taking a walk around the block, or stretching in the morning, or doing push-ups before lunch. Any physical activity is better than none at all – so seek out small and convenient ways to keep your body moving throughout the day. If you find yourself sitting for long periods of time, get up and do chores, take a walk around the office, or make a phone call while standing up. A sedentary lifestyle is one of the biggest risk factors when it comes to poor health, so finding any reason to stand up more is better than sitting.
Find exercise that “clicks” with you and your personality. Different things work for different people. Some people need to commit themselves to a gym membership to get themselves off the couch, while others prefer to work out in the comfort of their own homes. Your personality shapes what exercise you like, so it’s important you find activities that resonate and “click” with you, rather than trying to force yourself to do something you really don’t enjoy. All you need is that one hobby to take your fitness to the next level, whether it be finding an enjoyable sport (like Tennis, or Baseball, or Basketball), or even exercising through video games (such as Wii Fit or Dance Dance Revolution). Try to think of physical activities you enjoyed as a kid, that can often be a good place to rekindle motivation.
Keep a healthy and consistent sleep schedule. Sleep is one of the most important habits when it comes to your overall physical and mental health. Research shows that those who don’t get sufficient sleep (between 6-10 hours every night) often suffer worse health outcomes like a weaker immune system, higher risk of obesity, lower energy and stamina, and more stress and anxiety. If your sleep habits aren’t healthy or consistent, it will likely have a negative “ripple effect” on almost every other aspect of your day. When you’re tired and fatigued, you’re more likely to make mistakes at work or argue with your spouse. It’s important not only to get between 6-10 hours of sleep each night, but also to maintain a consistent schedule. If you don’t sleep much on the weekends, it’s difficult to “catch up” on those lost hours throughout the week. Try to go to bed and wake up around the same time each day if possible. Here are more important lessons behind a good night’s sleep, including recognizing that some people are natural “early birds” or “night owls,” and that’s something you need to recognize and work with.
Pay attention to your food and diet. There are many different diets out there to choose from – and people can have long debates about which one is better – but the most important thing is to not eat too much, especially junk food, fast food, soda, sweets, and lots of processed food. Use your commonsense. Experiment with different diet changes and see what works best for you. Different diets work better for different people – so there’s no “one size fits all” solution to what exactly you should eat or not eat. One simple diet change is to substitute all your soda/juice/sugary drinks with water instead. Drinking plenty of water is never a bad place to start – most people don’t recognize how dehydrated they can be throughout the day and how it effects them. If you’re trying to lose weight, one popular option you can consider is intermittent fasting where you allow yourself to eat for an 8 hour window each day and fast for the remaining 16 hours. You can also try the “One Meal A Day” approach, where you restrict yourself to just one big meal (with minimal snacking). In general, pay attention to how your body responds to the things you eat: What foods leave you tired and feeling like crap? What foods make you energized and feeling good?
Take care of personal hygiene and cleanliness. Proper hygiene is another important aspect of physical health. While it can seem like commonsense, basic habits like taking a shower, brushing your teeth, getting a haircut, trimming your nails, and washing your face are are all important things not to neglect. Not only does cleanliness prevent you from catching germs and getting sick, you also feel better about yourself when you present yourself in the best way possible (and smell good). Often we are surprised by how much better we feel after a fresh new haircut, or clean new clothes, or new cologne/perfume. When mental health is low, we sometimes neglect these basic habits out of laziness or apathy, which is why they are a crucial first step in self-improvement if we aren’t paying enough attention to them.
Minimize your bad habits. No one is 100% perfect and we all have a couple bad habits, whether it be eating too many sweets, or drinking alcohol, or staying up late, or smoking cigarettes. In general, it’s important to quit (or minimize) our unhealthy habits as much as possible. “Choose your crutches wisely.” Keep in mind the long-term consequences of your habits – while it may not feel like they are hurting you right now, their effects can often catch up to you in the future. When trying to quit any bad habit, identify your triggers and work from there to change to change your patterns. Often by creating more boundaries between you and your bad habits, you can overcome your urge to do them (until it’s no longer an automatic habit anymore). If you find that you have a serious problem with addiction or drug abuse, consider professional help (such as a therapist, psychologist, or counselor) – there are often local resources available in your area if you do a quick search.
Please don’t underestimate the importance of keeping your body in the best shape possible. As Socrates famously said, “No man has the right to be an amateur in the matter of physical training. It is a shame for a man to grow old without seeing the beauty and strength of which his body is capable.”
Physical health is about much more than just looking and feeling good about yourself – it’s about living a life of vitality and longevity. You can have everything else in your life figured out, but if you don’t maintain your health you won’t be around very long to use or enjoy it.
2. MENTAL WELL-BEING
If you don’t take care of your body then it will slowly deteriorate – and the same is true for your mind.
Just because you don’t have to go to school anymore doesn’t mean you can’t keep learning new things, keeping your brain sharp, and challenging your intellect.
Reading books. Learning about new topics. Having deep conversations. Attending lectures and workshops. Following the news. These are all commonsense ways to keep our minds active and continue to update our knowledge and belief system as we move through life.
Learning is a lifelong endeavor. Balanced people are always seeking new things to dig into and learn more about like a new hobby, new game, or new skill such as painting, chess, learning a new language, or playing a musical instrument.
In addition, research shows that continuing to challenge our brain is an important way to prevent cognitive decline as we get older, including lower the risk of dementia and memory loss.
Things to do:
Read more books. Reading is one of the best ways to keep your mind sharp and learn new things. Nonfiction books about science, history, philosophy, or self help can grow your knowledge and broaden your perspective on life; and reading fiction has been shown to have many cognitive benefits such as boosting empathy, creative thinking, and expanding your vocabulary. If you haven’t read a book in awhile, try to make it a goal to read at least one book this year. You can start with a book you already own but never got a chance to read, or ask a friend for a book recommendation, or get a card from your local library and explore countless books for free. Find a topic or subject that interests you and start there!
Learn a new skill. Learning multiple skills is a hallmark of being a balanced and well-rounded person. It’s never too late in life to dive into something completely new, such as playing a musical instrument, learning a new language, writing poetry, painting, or playing chess. A jack of all trades mindset can make you stand-out from others in unique ways. Many people have a talent or passion for at least one thing, but when you start combining talents and cultivating multiple interests it shows your range and flexibility as a person. Don’t limit yourself. There’s no pressure to become a “professional” or “expert” in everything you do, just stay on a learning path, have fun while doing it, and enjoy seeing the growth as you go.
Watch documentaries. Documentaries are a fun and easy way to explore new topics and learn about interesting things you otherwise wouldn’t experience. Depending on what you like, there are many different subjects to choose from: history, sports, biographies, science, inspirational stories, or nature documentaries (which have also been shown to boost positive emotions like joy, gratitude, and awe). I’ve made a lengthy list of recommended documentaries which I try to keep updated as I discover new ones. Check it out and choose one that catches your eye!
Monitor your information diet. Our current world is overloaded with information, including a lot that is wrong, misleading, or straight up lies and propaganda. Now more than ever we need to pay close attention to the information we consume on a daily basis. Try to find trustworthy news and educational sites where you can easily verify what they are saying from other sources. Beware of going down esoteric “rabbit holes” where people only confirm their own biases and beliefs. Actively seek out information from multiple sides so you’re at least aware of different perspectives and counter-arguments. The information pyramid is a great guide on how you should prioritize certain sources over others. In general, a peer-reviewed scientific study should be given more weight than some random influencer on social media. Keep in mind it’s also possible to consume too much and become an information junkie, where you’re addicted to learning new things, but you never act on it or put it into practice.
Spend time in active reflection. Give yourself time to think and digest, even if it’s just for 10 minutes while sitting with your first cup of coffee in the morning. You don’t always need to be filling your brain with facts to be a smarter person, you also need to know how to step back and contemplate what you know. Active and engaged minds are always taking advantage of opportunities for everyday reflection when sitting on the bus, taking a shower, or walking the dog. Often your best ideas and insights come in moments when you’re not trying to solve a problem directly but just mulling it over in your mind. Schedule time for solitude every now and then and don’t be afraid to sit alone with your thoughts.
Learn how your mind works. One essential component to being a more intelligent thinker is knowing how your mind works. We naturally believe we understand ourselves best, but psychology and neuroscience can sometimes reveal counter-intuitive facts and tendencies. To start, our minds are very susceptible to cognitive biases and logical fallacies that can muddy our thinking and understanding of reality. One of the most common errors is black and white thinking, where we believe a situation needs to be either “A” or “B,” but a third perspective, “C,” is the more accurate view. Our minds like to over-simplify things when reality can often be more nuanced and complex. Show intellectual humility. Be open to being wrong and be open to changing your mind in the face of new evidence and experience.
Take your education seriously. Maintain a healthy and active brain. Even if you were never a good student in school, that doesn’t mean you can’t improve your knowledge and intelligence, especially once you find subjects you are deeply passionate about. Benjamin Franklin once said, “An investment in knowledge pays the best interest.”
3. EMOTIONAL WELL-BEING
In the “Mental” section we covered how to keep our brains active and be more intelligent thinkers, but there’s also a whole other side of our psychology that we need to pay attention to as well: our “Emotional” side.
Emotions can often seem like something that we have limited power over, but being a more emotionally intelligent person means becoming more self-aware and learning how to better respond to our emotions in the moment.
We can’t ignore our emotions or push them aside forever, they are a necessary facet of life and we must learn to navigate our emotional world effectively if we want to live the best life possible.
Remember that emotions are a resource, not a crutch. Every emotion serves a function or purpose, and if we channel our emotions in a constructive direction we can make great things happen.
One important lesson is that even negative emotions like sadness, anger, guilt, or fear are helpful to a better life if we approach them from the right perspective.
Things to do:
Learn the basics of emotional intelligence. There are 4 fundamental pillars of emotional intelligence that we need to cultivate: 1) Self-awareness (recognizing our emotions when they happen), 2) Self-regulation (knowing how to respond to our emotions and channel them in a positive direction, 3) Empathy (being aware of other people’s emotions and internal states), and 4) Social Skills (knowing how to respond to other people’s emotions in a healthy and constructive way). Certain people may be strong at some of these and not for others. For example, someone may be really empathetic and caring, but not know how to regulate their own mood and emotions, leading to burnout and emotional fatigue. An emotionally intelligent person must work on all four of these pillars.
Improve body awareness. All emotions have a physical component to them. When you learn how to identify the physical sensations behind each emotion, you’ll be much more attuned to your feelings in the moment as you’re experiencing them. This helps you to be more aware of your feelings before acting on them, and to recognize how emotions often want to push or pull you in a certain direction (“do this” vs. “don’t do that”). Every feeling serves a different function depending on its emotional valence (“positive” vs. “negative”) and arousal level (“high energy” vs. “low energy”). With practice, this improved body awareness can also boost your intuition, making you a better reader of your “gut feelings” and what they are telling you.
Learn to channel negative emotions. Negative emotions can serve a positive function if you know how to respond to them in a constructive way. If you struggle with any specific negative emotion (sadness, fear, guilt, or anger), then create a plan for how you will respond to it the next time it arises. For example, “If I’m angry, then I’ll go exercise,” or “If I’m sad, then I’ll write in my journal.” Emotions are energy that can be channeled in multiple directions. Write a list of the many ways you can respond to any negative emotion. Remind yourself you have a choice, and you don’t have to keep following the same pattern between negative emotion → negative behavior. One popular technique is opposite action, where you intentionally do the opposite of what a feeling is telling you to do (to reverse the cycle of negativity).
Practice meditation and daily mindfulness. Meditation is a great avenue for better understanding and regulating your emotions. It teaches you how to step back and just observe your thoughts and feelings without needing to immediately react to them. This space between “feelings” and “actions” is crucial for being a more emotionally intelligent person; it’s the main principle behind discipline, willpower, and self-control. Never forget that just because you feel a certain way doesn’t mean you need to act on it. If you’re completely new to meditation, start with the 100 breaths meditation – a simple exercise where you just focus on your breathing. It’s also helpful to learn grounding techniques for when you feel overwhelmed, such as mindful stretching or a 5 senses meditation.
Embrace creative expression. It’s difficult to describe many emotions with only words so it’s important to embrace other ways of expressing yourself, such as through music, photography, dance, painting, drawing, acting, or film. Often when I meet people who don’t feel fully connected to their emotional self, they usually lack ways of expressing themselves through art and creativity. A creative outlet is often a prerequisite to better understanding and navigating your emotional world, even if you don’t typically think of yourself as a “creative person.”
Savor all of your positive experiences. Life is filled with many joys and pleasures throughout the day and we should try to savor them as much as possible. We have many positive emotions to choose from – joy, gratitude, peace, awe, excitement, laughter, and wonder – and there are a variety of activities that can lead to more positive emodiversity in our lives. Don’t just chase after the same positive experiences over and over again, seek new experiences, new hobbies, and new ways of enjoying life. Learn how to savor happiness as much as possible by being more present in the moment, creating positive memories, and reminiscing on good times.
Relax and manage daily stress. Last but not least, it’s necessary we cover stress management as an essential component to mental health and emotional intelligence. Stress is a normal part of everyday life, but if you don’t know how to manage it in a healthy way it can often have a negative influence on your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors by making you more sensitive, irritable, angry, and bothered (even by little things that don’t really matter). Recognize when to push yourself vs. when to step back and recharge. In the complete guide on daily stress, you’ll find a great framework for reframing your “fight, flight, or freeze” response by viewing stress as a signal to pay attention to and guide you throughout the day. Don’t underestimate the importance of your comfort zone and use it as a place to recharge after a challenging or overwhelming day.
Emotions can “make us” or “break us” depending on how emotionally intelligent we are. They are a fundamental part of life, but we often have more power over them than we realize. Learn how to channel your emotions in a healthy and constructive way – become a master of them, not a slave to them.
4. SOCIAL WELL-BEING
Healthy and positive relationships are an essential ingredient to happiness and well-being.
No matter who you are, you crave some type of social connection; even the most introverted person on the planet will have a tough time finding happiness all by themselves.
There used to be a time when I believed “I don’t need people to be happy, all I need is myself.” But over the years I’ve learned more and more that having social support and a sense of belonging is a basic human need that can’t be avoided.
How strong is your current social circle? Here’s advice to get you started.
Things to do:
Stay connected with friends and family. You should try your best to stay in touch with people who you already have a strong relationship with, especially family and old friends. There’s a simple power in checking in on people and preserving social connections you’ve already established. It doesn’t take much time or effort to show you’re thinking about someone: a simple text, email, or phone call is all you need to let people know you still care and value your relationship with them. You’d be surprised by how much other people appreciate you reaching out to them, even if you haven’t spoken to them in a really long time.
Embrace small social interactions. Every time you leave your home, there is opportunity for social interaction. To build your social muscles, embrace the power of 10 second relationships, such as saying “Hi,” to a neighbor or coworker, small talk with a cashier or cab driver, or sparking up a quick conversation while waiting for the train or bus. Research shows even super tiny social interactions can boost positive emotions and feelings of social connectedness. This can also be a great exercise for people who are very introverted (or have a lot of social anxiety) and want to start being a more social person. Make a plan to have a pleasant interaction with at least one new person every day.
Learn how to have endless conversations. One big concern for people when it comes to meeting new people is, “What do I say? What if I run out of things to talk about?” One popular technique known as conversation threading provides an excellent framework so that you never run out of topics to talk about. The basic idea is that every sentence contains multiple “threads” we can go down, and often the art of good conversation is being able to 1) Listen to what people say, and 2) Choose a thread to talk more about. Rinse and repeat and a conversation can go on forever. Also consider improvisation exercises so that you can be a faster and more creative thinker in the moment.
Improve communication and conflict resolution. It’s a cliché, but communication is everything in relationships. If you don’t know how to express your thoughts and feelings in an honest and constructive way, you’ll have trouble building genuine and healthy connections with others at home, work, or wherever you need to cooperate and work together with people. In romantic relationships, it’s important to know how to communicate your feelings without manipulating or being dramatic. In family and work environments, it’s important to know how to defuse heated arguments before they spiral out of control. The truth is people can be difficult and you’re not going to like everyone’s company. That’s natural. Conflicts have the potential to arise in any social situation, because people have different beliefs, values, and personalities that may be incompatible with each other. What’s most important is to teach yourself the best methods for conflict resolution so you can better navigate the complexities of your social world.
Find opportunities to meet new people. Most people make friends through work or school. Once we get older, it can become more difficult to find new connections or become a part of new social circles. Recent research shows that most adults claim to have “less than 5 close friends.” If you’re looking to expand your circle, there are many opportunities available to you. Depending on your likes, hobbies, and interests, consider going out more to music shows, bars, coffee shops, workshops, church/religious services, bowling leagues, adult education classes, sports events, or book clubs. Seek out local groups in your area or volunteer somewhere. You can also take advantage of websites like Meet Up to connect with like-minded people who live close-by. All it takes is one new friend to introduce you to an entirely new social circle. Be patient and don’t worry if you don’t initially hit it off with the first couple people you meet. Finding the right relationships that fit into our lives can take time.
Use social media and the internet to connect. The internet can be a great place to connect with like-minded people who we’d never meet in the real world. Online communities on social media, message boards, or video games can often provide a valuable source of social interaction, especially for people who don’t have many “real life” friends. The internet can be particularly helpful for connecting with others who have rare or eccentric hobbies, such as fans of a specific author, athlete, music genre, or comic book franchise. Unfortunately, many online communities can also become negative, competitive, and toxic (see the online disinhibition effect), so it’s necessary you build a positive digital environment that works for you. That doesn’t mean hiding in your own “echo chamber,” but it does mean cultivating a feed and followers who ultimately add value to your life and don’t subtract it. First focus on topics you’re naturally interested in such as science, technology, sports, or movies. Try not to be a passive consumer of information, actively enter conversations by asking questions or sharing knowledge with others. Often times we can build meaningful connections with people online that are just as important as those we find in the real world. However, while online relationships can have many benefits, we shouldn’t see them as a substitute for real world “face to face” interactions.
Always remember that quality of relationships > quantity of relationships.
You don’t need to be super popular or the life of the party to have a healthy social life. All you need is a couple really close friends who support you, trust you, and enjoy your presence. That’s everything you need to be socially satisfied.
Healthy relationships are a fundamental aspect of happiness and well-being for everyone. Our need to belong to a “tribe” or group is hardwired into our brain, biology, and evolution. Like every other aspect of a balanced person, it can’t be ignored.
Are your daily social needs being fulfilled?
5. WORK / FINANCIAL WELL-BEING
Another fundamental aspect of a balanced person is work, money, and material concerns.
At the most basic level, we depend on food, clothing, shelter, healthcare, and other necessities so we can live a healthy and dignified life.
People that struggle to make a living can often hurt in many other areas: physical health (can’t afford good foods, healthcare, or medicine), relationships (can’t support family, no money for dating), as well as our mental and emotional well-being (stress, anxiety, and low self-esteem).
Unless you win the lottery or have someone else to provide for you, finding a steady job or career is often one of the most focused on areas in life. From childhood up until we finish high school or college, we are constantly asked, “What do you want to do for a living?”
A few people find jobs they love, many find jobs they like, and most find jobs they can at least tolerate. Balancing psychological needs with financial needs can be a difficult task depending on your current situation.
While we don’t always get a choice in what we do for a living, there are important ways to give ourselves more power over our work life and financial life. Here are important guidelines to keep in mind.
Things to do:
Focus on your strengths. Everyone has a place in this world where they add value. Before you decide what type of work you’d like to do for a living, it’s important to know what your natural strengths, skills, and talents are. If you’re friendly and good with people, you may excel at managing, customer service, or human resources type jobs. If you’re more introverted and creative, you may want to focus on writing, graphic design, computer programming, or freelance work. What type of activities are you typically good at (or at least above average)? What were your best subjects in school? What do you enjoy doing and why? Complete the strengths worksheet to discover more about your natural skillset. Ultimately, knowing your strengths will influence what types of jobs or career choices will suit you best – including where you contribute the most value.
Value education and experience. No matter what your job is, there are always new ways to learn and improve. The best workers in life are those who are always growing and mastering their craft. College is still an important part of education, but what’s even more important is to stay self-motivated and continue learning after school. Many people I know have landed successful jobs that had virtually nothing to do with what they studied in college. In several cases, they were people who taught themselves coding/programming, built a portfolio to show their work to potential employers, and climbed their way up the company ladder from there. All self-taught. You can also consider going to trade schools, workshops, mentorships, internships, and other forms of gaining knowledge and experience that are outside of the traditional college model. Any work experience is better than none at all – you just need to start somewhere and begin building yourself up.
Make the most of your job. While it’s rare for any of us to get our “dream job,” we can always make the most of our work life by being a good employee and doing our best. Use nudges to keep yourself motivated and productive throughout the day, learn mental strategies for getting things done that you normally “don’t like” doing, and make friends at work with bosses, coworkers, clients, or customers, because those are the people you’re going to be spending a lot of time with and it’s crucial you have healthy and functioning relationships with them. No matter what your job is try to see the underlying purpose or meaning behind it. What value does it add to the world? Are you proud of the work you do?
Live within your means. Regardless of how much money you make, one of the most commonsense rules for financial well-being is living within your means. This includes keeping a budget that you can maintain (for food, rent/mortgage, bills, gas, clothes, and leisure expenses), and not buying too much stuff you can’t immediately afford. Debt can be common at some point in our lives (due to student loans, credit card debt, medical emergencies, etc.), but try to be mindful to not put yourself in a hole that you can’t climb out of. Avoid luxury expenses that put you at financial risk. We sometimes over-extend ourselves due to social comparison and a “keeping up with the Joneses” mentality. We think if our friend or neighbor gets a brand new car or goes on an expensive trip, then we need to “one-up” them with a similar purchase. Many times people fall into massive debt because they are trying to chase status, fame, luxury, or exorbitant pleasures. In general, keep track of all your monthly expenses and find ways to cut back on spending that isn’t necessary. Learn about spending biases that can lead to overconsumption (like the allure of “FREE!,” the “Relativity Trap,” and “One Click” purchases). Big corporations are masters of psychology and persuasion. If we aren’t vigilant about our spending habits (especially if you enjoy retail therapy), then we’ll often fall for tricks that cause us to spend more money than we should.
Create a healthy relationship with material things. This article is about being a balanced person. Work and money are very important aspects of life, but materialistic beliefs can also backfire to hurt us. No one lays down on their deathbed wishing they spent more time in the office. Work-a-holics can end up focusing so much on their career that they neglect giving enough attention to their family, health, and well-being. Never forget that there is a lot more to a good life than just money and material things, despite what you may see glamorized in movies, TV shows, or commercials. Psychology research shows that after a certain point, increased wealth and income has very little effect on our overall happiness and life satisfaction. Being rich sounds awesome, but it won’t necessarily make you any happier than if you earned less with a stable and secure life. Take the materialism quiz to see if you have a healthy relationship with money and stuff.
Remember, money is important but it isn’t everything.
Financial well-being will often look radically different depending on the person. Certain people may be content with modest and minimal living, while others crave more luxury, adventure, and pleasure. Whichever lifestyle you choose, it’s necessary that money finds the proper role in your life without being completely consumed by it.
One succinct way to define true financial well-being is “not needing to think about money all the time.”
6. MEANINGFUL / SPIRITUAL WELL-BEING
The meaningful or spiritual aspects of life can often be overlooked.
We may occasionally ask ourselves big questions like, “Who am I?” “Why am I here?” or “What’s my purpose?” but we rarely translate these questions into our daily lives through action.
For many people, religion is their main source of spirituality and meaning. Attending church, being part of a local community, prayer, and volunteering or giving to charities are common ways people boost meaning in their daily lives. Religion has been shown to improve happiness and well-being by creating a strong sense of purpose and community.
However, we don’t need religion to have a meaningful life. There are many other sources of meaning, including art, culture, philosophy, literature, music, relationships, activism, introspection, and creativity.
Where do you get your meaning in life?
Things to do:
Learn the pillars of a meaningful life. One excellent guide on how to live a meaningful life outlines five different pillars to focus on, including 1) A sense of belonging (having healthy relationships with those around you), 2) A sense of purpose (feeling that you contribute to a larger whole), 3) Storytelling (the life story we tell about ourselves, as well as stories and myths about the world we live in), 4) Transcendence (experiencing “awe” and “inspiration” in the presence of great things), 5) Growth (having a sense that you are evolving and moving forward as a person). All five pillars contribute to a rich and meaningful existence.
Spend more time in nature. Nature reminds us that we are part of something larger than ourselves, a whole process known as “life.” Nature is a fantastic source of meaning because it continuously inspires positive emotions like joy, amazement, gratitude, and awe. The best part is that nature is all around us – we don’t need to plan a weekend camping trip to experience it – instead just pay attention to everyday nature that is all around you: trees on the drive to work, birdwatching in your backyard, or spending time in your garden over the summer. Having pets to care for is another easy and wonderful source of nature and connection, even if it’s just a small fish tank to maintain. Nature also includes enjoying the beauty of a nice view such as sunrises, sunsets, mountaintops, storm watching, and star-gazing.
Take a complete picture perspective. Finding meaning requires being able to look at things from a big picture perspective. What influence do your actions have in the long-term? What type of impact will you leave on the world after you die? When you keep the complete picture in mind, you recognize that even super small actions can add up and have big results in the future. Your life doesn’t begin at birth nor end at death, you are part of an intergenerational chain of cause-and-effect that has stretched thousands of years. That’s a powerful thought if you can see the true significance behind it.
Embrace art, music, and culture. Artists are the creators of new meanings, especially famous painters, musicians, filmmakers, photographers, authors, playwrights, and dancers. Pursuing a creative hobby of your own is one fantastic way to infuse new meaning into your life. You can also embrace art and culture more by going to museums, art galleries, music concerts, and theaters. A lot of beautiful art is archived in online art and cultural exhibits, so you can discover a lot of new inspiration by just sitting in the comfort of your own home. Artists of all forms teach us how universal the human condition is. It’s a huge inspirational boost when you realize a book written over a hundred years ago resonates exactly with how you feel today. One of my strongest memories is attending a music concert of my favorite band with thousands of others listening and singing along. Creativity is one of humanity’s greatest gifts and there’s a lot of wisdom, beauty, and feelings of universal connection it can offer us.
Signs, symbols, and synchronicity. A meaningful life can be more about feeling inspiration and empowerment rather than thinking only logically and factually about the world. Embrace things you can’t always explain. If you feel like you’re getting a “sign” from the universe, accept it. Our minds often think unconsciously through the power of symbols, especially through reoccurring dreams or nightmares that may be trying to tell you something important. Meaning can be created anywhere if you have the right perspective. Many of my favorite moments in life are when I experience synchronicity, which is finding a connection between two things that seem completely unrelated at first. For example, if I start reading a book and then someone brings up the same book randomly the next day, I try to see that as a sign that I’m on the right path. It may or may not be true, but it is a simple and easy way to add more meaning to the little things in life.
Have faith that life is good. Faith may not have any role in science, but it does play an important role in good living. At the end of the day, one of the most important beliefs we can have is that “life is good” and things will generally work out in the end. One of my personal favorite quotes is, “Pray to God, but row to shore.” It shows us to have hope and faith in life, but still take action and try our best in the moment. Both faith and action are necessary ingredients to a happy and fulfilling life. A belief in God or a higher power can make this whole process easier. However, even if you can’t bring yourself to accept “metaphysical” or “supernatural” ideas, at least try to sense the oneness and interconnectedness of all things. These ideas are an endless source of power, strength, and resilience, even in the face of incredible hardships and tribulations.
A “meaningful life” can be one of the most difficult areas of life to improve, especially while living in a world that is filled with nihilism, hedonism, and materialism.
However, once you build a strong spiritual core you can withstand almost any difficulty or hardship. It can empower you to a whole new level that non-spiritual people don’t usually have access to.
CONCLUSION
To sum things up we must invest time and energy in all six of these aspects if we want to live a happy and balanced life.
Once again, these six aspects of a balanced life include: 1) Physical, 2) Mental, 3) Emotional, 4) Social, 5) Work/Financial, and 6) Meaningful/Spiritual.
Which area are you the strongest in? Which area are you the weakest in?
Keep this framework in mind as you embark on a lifetime of self-improvement. Try the Daily Routine (PDF) exercise and use this resource as a guideline.
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As a psychologist, I’ve spent nearly 20 years studying how to care for and raise good humans. The overlooked skill I always teach new parents is how to build inner efficacy.
Inner efficacy is an individual’s belief in their own capacity to do what it takes to meet their goals. Self-esteem might say, “I’m amazing!” but inner efficacy says, “I have what it takes to figure this out and achieve what I set out to.”
Kids with a strong sense of inner efficacy are more likely to challenge themselves and put in the effort. Rather than blaming external circumstances or some immutable lack of talent for their failures, they’ll focus on factors that are within their control.
Research shows that kids gain inner efficacy from four sources:
1. The experience of getting things right
For this to happen, kids have to be challenged at the right level. Pushing them into educational experiences they’re not ready for can be counterproductive.
Whenever they worry about not being able to do something, you can promote a growth mindset by telling them: “You’re not there, yet.”
2. Watching others get it right
It’s important that kids see others they consider similar to themselves, in at least some specifics (like age, race or ethnicity, gender identity, interests), achieving similar goals.
The peer modeling doesn’t have to come from people exactly like our unique child, but watching a much older child of a different race and gender accomplish something might not have the same effect.
3. Reminders that they have a history of getting things right
The stories we tell ourselves about the past create our sense of competence about the future.
Studies show that people who lean into optimism, have a growth mindset, and believe in themselves often don’t have such different past experiences than their pessimistic peers. They just remember successes more vividly than failures.
4. A sense of calm in their bodies
If children feel stressed, queasy, or anxious when faced with challenges, it can be difficult to perform without taking care of that physiological response first.
Teaching our kids self-soothing practices like mindful breathing will go a long way to help them become competent at whatever they focus on.
1. Encourage them to try at something they’re not immediately good at.
Instead of saying “Practice makes perfect,” because we know that’s not always true — and we’re not actually looking for perfection — remind your child that “Effort makes evolution.”
2. Clarify to correct.
Don’t just mark mistakes with a red pen and say, “Wrong again, pal.” Instead, try restating, rephrasing, changing the question, clarifying directions, and going over previously learned skills.
Even with young children who point to a red apple and say “blue,” you can say, “Oh, yes, blueberries are blue, and this is a red apple” instead of just correcting them or saying, “That’s not blue, silly.”
3. Praise with specificity when it’s earned.
When we say “Good job!” it’s got be sincere and specific. Tell kids when you recognize their real effort, persistence, creativity, independence, and competence.
You don’t have to completely erase “good job” from your vocabulary. Just add a bit more detail, like, “Good job applying that chess opening you just learned.”
4. Point out strategy.
Help kids draw the line between the action and the achievement. If your child does a good job writing an essay they’ve outlined, for example, you can say, “I noticed you made an outline. I bet that’s one reason you did so well.”
Or, alternatively, you might need to say, “I noticed you didn’t do an outline. It can be really tough to write an essay when you don’t have an outline. Let’s try writing one together.”
When kids understand that their failures aren’t due to permanent limitations, there’s an opening for future achievement.
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Learning and keeping up with works of nonfiction can only expand the possibilities of an entrepreneur’s life. Those who can’t seem to fit every new book into their busy schedule can make growing easier with this fun mobile app that pulls key ideas and insights from bestselling works of nonfiction.
You can get a lifetime subscription to Headway Premium on sale for just $49.97 (reg. $299) through January 28th at 11:59 p.m. PT only. With more than 15 million users worldwide, Headway creates summaries of non-fiction works and adapts them into short reads, quick videos, and audio files.
It’s important to make clear that these summaries cannot replace the books they are representing. Instead, they offer a faster way to gain familiarity, learn a bit, and determine whether or not to pick up the full read for another time.
Headway creates 15-minute summaries for users to enjoy, and its app is decked out with fun, complimentary features. From daily insights to motivational widgets like earning streaks, it keeps things fresh and fun. Headway also curates personalized recommendations based on a user’s reading habits to make finding new content easier and more fun.
Discover how Headway earned an average rating of 4.5/5 stars on the App Store and 4.4/5 stars on the Google Play Store. Don’t let your busy schedule stand in the way of a more productive and educational lifestyle any longer. This limited-time deal will be gone in a flash.
There might be affiliate links on this page, which means we get a small commission of anything you buy. As an Amazon Associate we earn from qualifying purchases. Please do your own research before making any online purchase.
If you could snap your fingers and create a picture-perfect future for yourself, what would it look like?
Look beyond your initial thoughts of being a gazillionaire and owning all of the things.
But if you can’t quite put those thoughts aside, with whom are you sharing that life? And how did you get there?
Along with your growth mindset comes a solid belief that with perseverance, patience, and practice, you can close the gap between your current self and your visionary future. You believe that you can complete the necessary requirements to fulfill your ambitions–whatever that may look like for you.
This type of mindset, and your behaviors that stem from it, is impossible to obtain if you don’t believe in self-growth.
And while many once thought that everyone is born with a certain level of intelligence, modern research on intellect and the dynamics of neuroplasticity have demonstrated that people actually have the potential to continuously expand their knowledge, skills, and abilities.
And here’s the kicker: You are in control of your intelligence.
So let’s look a bit more at what self-growth is and then go over some personal challenges you can tackle to advance your progress toward living up to your full potential.
What Is Self-Growth?
Self-growth has been the subject of research and theories for centuries.
While many historical figures have come up with theories about how one can reach their full potential, they all involve an ongoing process of developing skills and gaining knowledge following the completion of a standard formal education.
In simple terms, self-growth is a journey one embarks upon to continually become a better version of oneself.
Now, since everyone has their own unique life goals, the concept of advancing your self-growth can feel relieving, while also feeling a bit complex–there is not an instructional manual that is catered to your values and passions.
But that’s part of the beauty of it: the possibilities are infinite – you can learn as little or as much as you want in any subject. And you will be embarking upon an unprecedented and personally meaningful life path throughout the entire process.
Self-growth is an individualistic process that can involve any combination of a variety of things, such as earning an academic degree, cultivating emotional self-regulation skills, or discontinuing bad habits.
And you can certainly increase your capacity for self-growth by making your plans as unique as you are so they mean something to you.
By planning and implementing specific actions and processes toward achieving your desired outcomes, you will ultimately improve your overall performance and success. This process requires a continuous practice of challenging yourself by integrating new endeavors into your life.
Here are nine personal challenges that will help you advance your self-growth so you can continue to make progress toward reaching your full potential.
9 Personal Challenges to Advance Your Self-Growth
1. Establish Your Vision
What do you want out of life? Set aside the previously mentioned gazillion dollars. Who and what do you want to become?
Don’t just envision it in your head–get it down on paper.
According to the Schwartz Theory of Basic Values, the process of discovering your life’s vision requires methodical planning involving three elements: creativity, determination, and action.
Achieving the vision that you create requires some self-reflection to fully understand yourself and what you want to accomplish, and continuously following through with your action plans for self-growth.
Watch the video below to learn about some self-awareness activities that will help you know yourself better.
Keep in mind that this process requires autonomy and a high level of self-sufficiency in your thinking and behavior–you can’t copy someone else’s.
But don’t set your vision in stone, because you will update this as you progress through life, have new experiences, and your priorities change.
2. Be Open to New Experiences and the Experiences of Others
Of course you need to experience new things in order to grow. If you stay in the same routine day after day and year after year, you’re not opening yourself up to anything aside from your routine.
By being open to new experiences, not only will you have the opportunity to learn new things, this process will also:
Additionally, having an openness to experiencing new things has been linked to a need for cognition, which is a desire to engage in new activities that are mentally engaging.
This includes activities like solving puzzles (which is a great exercise in cognition), finding new solutions to old problems, and analyzing new concepts.
Finally, those with high levels of cognition are less likely to fall for cognitive biases when listening to an argument, and are able to focus on aspects of the facts and ideas themselves, rather than the likability or position of the person speaking.
So by engaging in new experiences, you can undoubtedly grow in many ways– both personally and intellectually.
But why would you want to put yourself in danger in order to better yourself?
When you take a more comprehensive perspective, you can see there are a lot of different kinds of risks–some of which we engage in every day. But for self-growth, the need is to take a deliberate risk to necessitate a change in direction in your life.
You need to be willing to take risks and push yourself outside of your comfort zone.
You take this type of risk when you decide to quit your job to go back to school, accept a position on the other side of the country, or choose to commit yourself to another person.
All of these choices involve an element of uncertainty, a fear of the unknown, and maybe even some guilt for leaving something behind that you’ve come to know so well.
These risks involve giving up predictability, routine, and familiarity to possibly have a chance to grow.
You take this type of risk because you hope you can make your dreams come true by bridging the gap between where you are now and where your ultimate vision takes you. When you don’t take these types of risks, it can lead to regret.
Commitment Risks
Without making commitments, you will greatly limit your self-growth. The two types of commitment risks are relationship risks (i.e. getting married) and risks with making a commitment to a value (i.e. accepting accountability for a big project, investing in a stock, or investing a lot of time in something).
These are high-risk, high-reward opportunities that most of us take at some point that can result in either some kind of disappointment or a great advancement.
Self-Disclosure Risks
Self-disclosure risks involve revealing your true self such as your feelings, thoughts, and needs. This type of risk could include confronting a friend because you’re mad, or telling someone that you love them without being sure they will say it back.
You also take this risk when you admit to your supervisor that you made a mistake or failed to perform an important task. All of these put you in a position of potential rejection. But without taking these risks, you cannot be assertive to gain the things you want in life.
Taking risks requires you to make a conscious choice to take a chance with an element of uncertainty of the outcome. But the result of these risks will undoubtedly either put you ahead in life or help you learn how you may do things differently next time.
4. Self-Assessment
Self-assessment is among the most critical challenges to complete to advance your self-growth. People often evaluate their performances by judging their actions, but this only leads to self-criticism.
When you judge yourself, it doesn’t give you an action plan for improvement for next time. However, doing a self-assessment turns your focus to how you can improve whatever you’re trying to do.
So how can you do a proper self-assessment?
A self-assessment is different from self-reflection, in that self-reflection is more based on the past and self-assessment is meant to help you study your performance with the purpose of improving it for the future.
It is a proactive approach to self-growth with defined performance criteria measuring your strengths, improvements, and insights. The challenge involved with doing effective self-assessments really falls on your ability to be objective.
Let’s look at an example of a self-assessment.
Let’s say you just missed an important work deadline…again. So you want to improve your time management skills and reduce your propensity to procrastinate. Your first step in your assessment is to define the performance that you want to focus on, and why you want to improve it.
Then you need to determine what criteria you want to measure and the attributes for each, which could look like this:
Realizing the consequences of procrastinating by identifying each consequence and linking it with its drawback (for example, one consequence may be that your late work held your team up from moving forward with the next steps of the project).
How your work was compromised considering the amount of time you put into it (how many errors did you find after you turned your work in once you sat down to review it?)
Then do the numbers.
For the first bullet, exactly how many people did you hold up?
How many co-workers were impacted by your procrastination?
Secondly, how many errors did you notice?
How does this compare with the number of minutes you spent working on the project?
Similar to creating SMART goals, you want to define your criteria in a measurable way so you can track your progress for next time.
Your completed self-assessment will include your strengths (such as: you managed to turn in the work, even though it was late), your areas for improvement (your time-management skills), and specific steps you will take to improve (next time, schedule time as soon as the project is assigned to focus on creating a plan to complete it on time).
As you go through this process several times, you will be able to see how you can measurably and objectively do some things to advance your self-growth.
5. Ask Others For Feedback
Don’t just rely on yourself to assess your work. Get an accountability partner or ask a good friend or family member who knows you well to give you some constructive criticism about your work.
You will achieve your goals when you ask other people for feedback often–but you have to make sure to listen, even if you don’t initially agree. As you did above with your self-assessment, be very objective with your thoughts and be open to others’ opinions.
Both positive and negative constructive feedback will give you the valuable information that you need to make future decisions.
People who are successful often haven’t made it to the top of their game by themselves; they’ve consistently and actively requested feedback from customers, family/friends, clients, employees, etc.
Top performers are good at accepting feedback because they recognize the value of the insight that it provides.
6. Pay Attention to Your Body
If you’re trying to improve yourself, you need to focus on your whole self–meaning, what you put into your body, how you spend your time, and being active.
Self-growth is a holistic process, so in order to get the full benefits from your efforts, you need to make sure that you’re engaging in a whole mind, body, spirit endeavor.
Find an exercise regime that works for you and your schedule. Don’t force yourself into doing something you don’t enjoy–it will just increase your chances of putting it off. Also, make sure you’re fueling your body properly with whole foods that your body can actually use to give you clean energy.
Your mind is a tool that needs to be worked in order to function at a high level, and reading is one of the best ways to continue to learn and explore new concepts.
Engaging in these healthy living activities will support your other efforts to grow and improve yourself.
7. Spend More Time With People Who Inspire You
It can be hard to cut ties (or limit your interaction) with your childhood bestie. But if you have gone down completely different paths post-high school, be mindful of how the time you spend with that person is influencing your behaviors.
You may find these people in your own job or at networking events who work for your dream company. No matter how you get connected with them, take the opportunity to benefit yourself by learning from others.
As you know, SMART goals are an effective tool to use because they offer the clarity and focus that you need to stay motivated to achieve anything that you want. And, with defined objectives and a deadline, this isn’t something that you will put off until later…or…”some day”…
The video below provides a quick overview of SMART goal setting and several examples you can take inspiration from.
9. Be Patient
This might not be an active challenge that you can complete in a week, but it can certainly be a challenge for many. Going from your present self to your ideal self won’t happen overnight–and some of the progress may be very slow.
But while you may not see a difference in yourself from day to day, when you start looking back on past months and years, you will see how far you’ve come with your self-growth.
It is only with patience that you will continue to do the things that are necessary day in and day out while knowing that you may not experience immediate results.
To advance your self-growth, you have to be motivated and willing to work. However, once you start challenging yourself, you will see immeasurable results.
You will find a renewed sense of purpose in your life after learning new things. You will start to recognize that your long-term goals are within reach, and you will recognize how to use your full potential to benefit your life and your future.
And if you’re looking for actual challenges you can do, be sure to check out these articles:
Connie Mathers is a professional editor and freelance writer. She holds a Bachelor’s Degree in Marketing and a Master’s Degree in Social Work. When she is not writing, Connie is either spending time with her daughter and two dogs, running, or working at her full-time job as a social worker in Richmond, VA.
Staking my claim on 2024. First new podcast episode!
My biggest goal of the year is to get my friend’s book published.
Listen to learn more about my motivations, strategy, gameplan, and potential future.
I’ll keep you guys updated on the progress of this goal as we get further into the year.
If all goes well, I’ll be announcing our big accomplishment in a future episode. If we don’t succeed, then none of this ever happened…
Related Links
My Timeline – My goal timeline for the year, including a breakdown of the goals mentioned in the podcast (plus other ambitions).
Goals Timeline (PDF) – Create your own goal timeline for the next day, week, month, year, and decade. This is the most important exercise you’ll ever do.
Self-Improvement Coaching – Reach out to me for motivation. I’m especially interested in helping other creative types to finish any projects they’ve been procrastinating on.
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Times change but wisdom stays the same. Check out this collection of inspirational Latin proverbs and find one that really resonates with you.
Wisdom surpasses time and place. Powerful thoughts spoken hundreds and thousands of years ago still ring true to us today.
One of my lifelong pastimes is collecting positive thoughts of all stripes. I have whole documents dedicated to inspirational quotes from people I look up to as role models, uplifting and motivational affirmations I’ve discovered over the years, and personal thoughts (every now and then I create a good one all on my own!).
Latin proverbs, in particular, possess a special power. Many of us are already familiar with a few popular ones: carpe diem (“seize the day”), cogito ergo sum (“I think, therefore I am”), or veni, vidi, vici (“I came, I saw, I conquered”).
These phrases have endured over the centuries, with some becoming part of our everyday discourse and others adopted as popular sayings in various institutions, such as primum non nocere (“first, do no harm”), a common saying in medicine and healthcare, or pro bono (“for the good”) a phrase in law referring to a lawyer working for no charge, or sic semper tyrannis (“thus always to tyrants”) which is often applied to politics and government.
Here’s a compilation of the more popular and noteworthy Latin proverbs. These cover a broad range of subjects and ideas, but you’re bound to find a few new ones that resonate with you.
50+ Motivational Latin Proverbs
Acta non verba (“deeds not words”)
Ad meliora (“towards better things”)
Ad victoriam (“to victory”)
Audere est faucere (“to dare is to do”)
Astra inclinant, sed non obligant (“the stars incline us, they do not bind us”)
Bono malum superate (“good will overcome evil”)
Carpe diem (“seize the day”)
Calamus gladio fortior (“the pen is mightier than the sword”)
Cogito, ergo sum (“I think, therefore I am”)
Cras es noster (“tomorrow, be ours”)
Dictum factum (“what is said is done”)
Duc, sequere, aut de via decede (“lead, follow, or get out of the way”)
Dum spiro, spero (“while I breathe, I hope”)
Ego te provoco (“I challenge you”)
Est modus in rebus (“there is a middle way in all things”)
Faber est suae quisque fortunae (“every man is the artisan of his own fortune”)
Familia supra omnia (“family over everything”)
Fons vitae caritas (“love is the fountain of life”)
Fortiter et fideliter (“bravely and faithfully”)
Gladiator in arena consilium capit (“the gladiator is formulating his plan in the arena”)
Grandescunt aucta labore (“by work, all things increase and grow”)
Igne natura renovatur integra (“through fire nature is reborn whole”)
Incepto ne desistam (“may I not shrink from my purpose”)
Magna est vis consuetudinis (“great is the power of habit”)
Memento mori (“remember you must die”)
Memento vivere (“remember you have to live”)
Memores acti prudentes future (“mindful of what has been done, aware of what will be”)
Morior invictus (“death before defeat”)
Non ducor, duco (“I am not led, I lead”)
Nosce te ipsum (“know thyself”)
Omne initium difficile est (“every beginning is difficult”)
Ordo ab chao (“order out of chaos”)
Palma non sine pulvere (“no reward without effort”)
Pax vobiscum (“peace be with you”)
Praesis ut prosis ne ut imperes (“lead in order to serve, not in order to rule”)
Praemonitus, praemunitus (“forewarned is forearmed”)
Pro bono (“for the good”)
Primum non nocere (“first do no harm”)
Qui non proficit, deficit (“he who does not advance, goes backward”)
Qui totum vult totum perdit (“he who wants everything loses everything”)
Sapientia potentia est (“wisdom is power”)
Si vis amari, ama (“if you wish to be loved, love”)
Sic parvis magna (“greatness from small beginnings”)
Sic semper tyrannis (“thus always to tyrants”)
Sic vita est (“such is life”)
Suum cuique (“to each his own”)
Tempus fugit (“time flies”)
Tendit in ardua virtus (“virtue strives for what is difficult”)
Ubi concordia, ibi victoria (“where is unity, there is victory”)
Vacate et scire (“be still and know”)
Veni, vidi, vici (“I came, I saw, I conquered”)
Verba volant, scripta manent (“words fly away, writing remains”)
Vincit qui se vincit (“he conquers who conquers himself”)
Vis medicatrix naturae (“the healing power of nature”)
Recommended Exercise
Which ones do you like the best from the list above?
Choose 1-3 of these Latin proverbs and find a way to integrate them into your daily life. Practice unconscious positivity: write one down and post it on your fridge or bathroom mirror, create a piece of art or music dedicated to one, or make one into a digital password.
I have “cras es noster” (tomorrow, be ours) on the top of my whiteboard going into the new year.
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One personal trait that I pride myself on is being mindful of having self-awareness.
Now, why am I not claiming to actually have self-awareness?
Research shows that even though 95% of people think they have self-awareness, only 10-15% of the population is actually self-aware.
And the truth is, we don’t know what we don’t know, so whether or not we actually have decent self-awareness may be more up to those who know us best. But, I can say that I am mindful of the importance of self-reflection and the part it plays in understanding myself better and I try to act accordingly.
But what really is self-reflection? Why is it important?
In this article, we are going to answer that and then go over 35 self-reflection questions to ponder to help you understand yourself better.
What is Self-Reflection?
Self-reflection is at the core of self-awareness. Engaging in introspection allows you to objectively and neutrally reflect on your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors and recognize how they align with your values.
You should be able to take a deep, curious look at yourself through this practice and come out on the other side with a comprehensive understanding of your thought processes, needs, and tendencies.
While it’s good to reflect on your past, it’s more beneficial to learn to use self-reflection in the present to improve your decision-making and behavior. If you notice your behaviors and your values aren’t working in unison, then you can make some changes so your life is a better fit with your standards.
For example, you might recognize that your job isn’t fulfilling, and you’re losing sight of your life’s purpose. When reflecting on your values, you realize that using your imagination and being innovative are both really important to you, but you’re lacking any type of opportunity to put this passion into practice.
This disconnect may lead you to change your behavior so you can pursue some more creative outlets to feel more satisfied with your life.
The ability to be introspective exists on a spectrum, with some people having higher levels of self-awareness, while others are unable to perceive themselves in this objective manner.
With a tendency to get defensive in the face of adversity, people turn to blaming each other or making up excuses in an attempt to avoid facing one’s own shortcomings.
Why is Self-Reflection Important?
People who self-reflect are able to turn off the auto-pilot in their brains and observe each situation they’re in independently from the next. Your ability to do this is directly related to your potential for success in life.
One reason this is true is because self-aware people can recognize when an opportunity or potential relationship is a good match, and what they can do to positively engage to make things work in their favor.
Self-reflection is important because when you have a comprehensive understanding of yourself, you’re able to identify what makes you unique from others.
If you have a high level of self-awareness, you can manage your emotions and accurately understand how other people perceive you. And the truth is, whether you address your weaknesses or not, other people will see them.
So instead of trying to hide them (which will result in others thinking you’re not genuine) take responsibility for them so you will be perceived as the honest hard-worker that you are.
How to Gain Self-Awareness Through Self-Reflection
Increasing one’s self-awareness requires setting aside time for self-reflection. Knowing that self-awareness is something you can develop and that cultivating it can lead to positive change makes it worth the effort.
The video below shows you five self-awareness activities that can help you better understand yourself.
You will notice that the questions offered in this article focus more on the “what” than the “why”.
When people try to reflect on their feelings, they often ask, “Why?” For example, “Why did I get a bad review?”
After receiving not-so-great feedback from your boss, you may decide you’re not good enough for your job, or start comparing yourself to your co-workers in ways that don’t accurately reflect the reasons your boss values you.
It’s hard to come to the correct conclusion when our own biases and cognitive distortions cloud our judgement.
Instead of asking why, people who are self-aware focus on productive “what” questions surrounding their goals and objectives for the future.
For example, instead of asking why your boss gave you seemingly bad feedback, focus rather on what you can do moving forward to produce outcomes that align better with the company’s vision.
And if their values and vision are far off from your own, you may recognize it’s not the best fit for a job for you.
Let’s look at some self-reflection questions you can take some time to consider.
35 Self-Reflection Questions to Understand Yourself Better
1. What are my values?
For most of us, the chaos of our daily lives requires us to be in a solid stream of action, leaving little time to reflect on our values.
But how can you reach your goals if you don’t really know what you’re working toward?
Because people don’t take the necessary time to reflect on their values, they often end up going after artificial goals that are dictated by society (get six-pack abs, have an expensive car, etc.) that are neither meaningful nor rewarding.
Once you have a reasonable grasp on your values, you’ll be in a good position to craft some goals that are congruent with who you are–and these are the goals that will be the most achievable for you.
2. So then what are my goals?
As previously mentioned, your goals should align with your values. After listing your values, pick your top five that really define you. Reflect on these and consider how you can inform your long-term goals accordingly. What changes do you need to make?
You want your goals to involve experiences, people, and activities that you enjoy. When you value your goals, it will make the obstacles you come across along the way easier to power through because you will know it’s worth it in the end.
This will be an ever-changing process. You will always be evaluating and tweaking your goals as your life evolves.
3. How do I define success?
An important part of aligning your goals with your values is refraining from settling in pop culture’s definition of success. Create your own meaningful definition and strive to achieve the success you’ve defined.
While you may automatically think that your salary determines your level of success, if being wealthy isn’t among your top values, you could determine that having your ideal working schedule is what really matters to you.
This would mean that instead of having a goal of getting a raise, maybe you could set a goal to reduce your working hours to better fit your life.
If you don’t care about earning the money to drive a fancy car and you would rather set yourself up to retire early, you will feel much better about your life in the long run without those material possessions and with the well-deserved free time you worked for.
4. If money were not a factor, how would I spend my time?
In general, people follow their boss’s instructions to make a paycheck to support their lifestyle or family. But what people are asked to do isn’t necessarily what they want to do– their actions are driven by external factors rather than intrinsic motivation.
Your answer to this question will help you determine what you should be doing with your time and energy if you don’t already know.
If you sit at a desk, only to count down the minutes until the end of each unfulfilling day, consider what you would do if you didn’t need to worry about a paycheck and then try to come up with a plan to monetize that.
5. I want to make ________ proud.
Ok, so it isn’t that you shouldn’t try to make other people proud. Of course you want your friends, family, and children to be proud of your hard work. The problem occurs when the main person you want to make proud is someone else aside from yourself.
You need to have the most pride in yourself, because you are the cause and effect of all of your efforts.
You’re the only one who knows the sacrifices you made to produce all of the outcomes that you have–and assuming you take accountability for your work–you should want to be able to say you’re proud of it.
6. In what area of my life am I lacking confidence?
Maybe you lack confidence in your public speaking skills or your ability to freely mingle at a cocktail party. Or maybe you can’t seem to find confidence in the way you look. We all have our insecurities, but how are yours holding you back?
The first step to overcoming an insecurity is recognizing it.
Researchers have found that the most common self-critical thought people have is that they’re “different” from others in some sort of negative, isolating way.
No matter how much self-esteem you have in general, the truth is that we live in a society of comparisons where people evaluate and judge themselves against a high, often unattainable standard.
By understanding the basis of any insecurity you have, you can start to recognize how that view impacts you and come up with some ways to challenge this negative self-talk and defeat your limiting inner critic.
7. Which relationships do I want to improve?
This doesn’t just have to be with family or others who are expected to be a close part of your life. It could be your relationship with your coworker or a challenging boss as well.
There are no great relationships that just appear out of nowhere as soon as you meet each other. Whether it’s a friend or a partner, you need to work to develop trust and rapport and grow together, which takes time.
Regardless of where you are in this process with someone, you may see some room for improvement. And while we often have a tendency to blame the other person for the shortcoming, consider what you could actively do to positively impact the relationship.
Think about the relationship that you want to improve and what your end goal is with it.
Do you want to improve a professional relationship because you believe you can learn and grow from someone else’s expertise? Or maybe you’re going through a rough patch with your spouse and you want to get back on track.
Asking yourself this question will help you reflect on the role you play in your interactions with others and how you can make an impact by being proactive and taking responsibility for your part.
8. Who is at the top of my support system?
Your support system is your network of friends, family, and colleagues that you can rely on to be there to cheer you on during good times and lift you up when you’re struggling. Most people build and maintain their support system as time goes on and they meet new people.
Your support system is your network of friends, family, and colleagues that you can rely on to be there to cheer you on.
It may take a significant event to find out who is actually at the core of your support system. Some people that you assume would rush to your side amidst a crisis may actually turn the other way, and it may be the last person that you would expect to be front and center when you need help.
Each person in your support system may offer you support in a unique way. But each can help you understand yourself because you can often rely upon them to notice when you’re struggling–sometimes even before you realize it yourself.
9. What is my greatest achievement so far?
The answer to this question probably ties in with your values. If you value physical health, maybe you ran a marathon, or if you value mindfulness, maybe you earned a certification to teach yoga or meditation.
Think about what you believe is your greatest achievement and then consider the possibility of achieving similar outcomes. Maybe complete a triathlon or open your own yoga studio.
Knowing what you believe are your greatest achievements so far can clue you in on what your next step may be to achieving something else that’s great.
10. Am I tolerant of other people when they do things differently than I would?
With everything that has gone on in the past few years—a divisive election, a pandemic, economic turmoil, and systemic racism, opinions and emotions have been flying high.
And while it may seem like prime time to stick with what’s familiar, it’s really a moment in history where we need to come together as a human race and be resilient in the face of these traumas together.
Offering the same respect that you expect from others to people who have opposing views from your own can make a big difference in our journey to finding a “new normal” that can satisfy most people, most of the time.
But here is the thing: How do you know what you truly believe unless you hear every side of a story?
We have talked about this in our logical fallacy articles. For example, if you argue using the appeal to tradition, your logic is faulty because you’re assuming something is true based on the vast number of people who believe it.
But if you’re willing to be tolerant of those who think differently, they may open you up to a whole new belief system that you actually connect with more than your current practices (on whatever that subject may be).
This could teach you a lot about yourself that you don’t know yet.
11. Do I reach out for help when I need it?
If your answer to this is ‘no’, you should strongly consider what is holding you back.
Are you afraid you’re going to impose on someone who is already busy with their own work? Or do you think it will make you look like you can’t handle something yourself?
Reaching out for help will always help you grow because you will learn from the other person–either new information that you didn’t know or maybe a different, more efficient way of completing a process that you’ve been doing wrong this whole time.
People who have a good understanding of themselves know that they need to reach out to someone else to help them take a step back and objectively look at their own thoughts or actions.
12. What is one habit that I need to break?
You can’t break a bad habit without recognizing it. And, as we know from previous articles, your bad habits start with a trigger–so it’s often true that you need to cut it off at the source.
You may be able to think of more than one habit that you need to break, but consider which habit is having the biggest negative impact on your life.
Mentally play out the consequences of this habit and think about alternative endings to situations that could occur if you were able to break the habit or change the trigger.
For example, let’s say every time you’re faced with a new challenge or task, you set really high expectations for yourself.
Subsequently, you find that you’re often disappointed in yourself because you either didn’t achieve your goal or your completed project isn’t near what you were hoping it would be. As a result, you lose motivation to maintain your momentum at work.
In this case, you need to stop setting extremely high expectations for yourself. Yes, you can still hold your work to a high standard, but remember the “A’ in SMART goals—it has to be achievable.
13. Does my morning routine set me up for success?
Think about your morning routine and how it impacts the rest of your day. You will definitely be able to understand yourself better if you can find the link between your early morning run and your positive attitude heading into the day.
You need to take the opportunity each morning to set the tone for the day–and if you’ve been getting off to a rough start, it’s important to reexamine your routine in a way that will lead your day in a different direction.
Do your rewards set you back (i.e. give yourself a “free pass” every time you lose 10 pounds) or are they in line with your values?
Thinking about how you reward yourself will help you recognize the small things that you really find joy and relaxation in–whether that’s watching a movie or going to coffee with a friend.
15. What has been my most memorable vacation?
Think about the moments within this vacation that stand out the most. Was it the people you were with that made it so special or the location of the trip? These unique memories can help highlight your values and clue you in on what you can do moving forward to make extra special memories.
16. Am I controlling?
It’s easy to live with the idea that unless everything goes your way, you won’t be able to be at peace with your circumstances. But if you leave no room for change, you’re also limiting the space in which you can grow.
You may lose out on opportunities for fulfilling experiences in life if your controlling habits go unrecognized.
If your controlling habits go unrecognized, you may lose out on opportunities for fulfilling experiences in life. Think about how you feel and how you react when you need to make last-minute changes and how frequently you genuinely ask, “Well, what do you think?”
17. Is there anything toxic in my life that I should remove?
If your answer to this is no, I urge you to think deeper. And this is more than just toxic relationships, you may have toxic habits, toxic feelings, or even a toxic job. If you have toxic influences that are affecting your wellbeing, you’re not going to be able to find happiness.
Identify the things in your life that are holding you back–junk food, jealousy, or a best “frienemy”–and limit the amount of time and energy you allow yourself to give. If you can remove toxicity from your life, you will feel lighter and untroubled.
18. How do my values show in my everyday actions?
As you think back to how your values show up in your everyday life, you’ll notice a natural alignment with your values and the decisions that you make.
If you can find opportunities to engage in ways that highlight your values more often, your days won’t feel so forced and you’ll discover how to live a more easygoing life.
19. What part do I play?
If there is something in your life that really aggravates you–maybe your partner’s apparent inability to show appreciation or your co-worker’s tendency to push her work onto you–step back and consider the role you’re playing in the situation.
Is there a chance that your partner shows appreciation in a different way than you would expect? Or do you need to step up and set some boundaries with your co-worker?
Sometimes, instead of sitting back and becoming aggravated with the situation, you can take charge and consider your own influence on the circumstances–which can lead to big changes.
20. What worries me about the future?
Is it money? The health of your loved ones? The functioning of society?
After you list these things, cross through each item that is out of your control.
While you may have a general idea of what your financial future will look like (for example), you can’t know for sure. If you fixate on this (or any other unknown), you could start to believe thoughts that just aren’t true.
Letting go of the things that are out of your control isn’t the same as making a choice to avoid facing a potential pending disaster. It’s recognizing that worrying is harmful to your health, happiness, and well-being.
By crossing out your unavoidable worries, you will regain energy, improve your focus on the important things in front of you, earn back wasted time, and gain some peace of mind.
21. What are my distractions?
Remember, you choose to opt in and opt out of your distractions. What do you do when you need to “check out”? Scroll through social media? Go shopping? Text your friends?
To keep your distractions at a minimum, you need to recognize what they are and plan those activities in advance in moderation. This way, you won’t spend three hours on Facebook in the middle of a Tuesday without even realizing it when you’re nearing a deadline at work.
Recognize your distractions to keep them at a minimum and plan activities in advance in moderation.
The goal here isn’t to avoid distractions entirely, it’s just to create some awareness so you can gain a sense of control over the time you spend on these activities.
This way, instead of spending an entire day in Target, you can devote some time to shopping that satisfies you and gives your mind a break, but you’re aware of the time spent and you can call it quits when it’s time to check out.
22. When do I seek these distractions?
Is there a certain task at work that you dread and therefore always procrastinate on it? Or maybe you realize a certain person is always present when you disengage from your surroundings?
What are the triggers to your compulsory pivot toward detachment? You have to know what these precursors are before beginning to explore why you react in such a way–or even if these avoidance behaviors are good or bad for you in the long run.
23. When am I at my best?
Maybe this is in the morning right after a good workout or right after lunch when you’re powered up to get through the afternoon.
Think about what time of day it is when you’re your best self and consider the common factors of that time. Then try to apply those factors during other times as well.
24. When am I at my worst?
This may not be a daily thing, but what situations bring out the worst in you? Maybe it’s when you’re around a certain person, or whenever you feel unprepared for something. Do the opposite as above and see how you can avoid these circumstances as much as possible.
25. What am I doing to make progress toward my goals?
Think of the little (or big) things you’re doing on an everyday basis to live in line with your values and make progress toward your goals. Doing this will help you continue to reconfirm the reason behind all of your hard work.
26. What emotions do I avoid?
Everyone has at least one emotion that they would go to great lengths to avoid. The problem arises when we are so afraid of feeling an emotion that we’re willing to act in harmful ways to avoid it.
But the other important part of this is that by avoiding whatever emotion you’re trying to ditch, you’re also avoiding paying attention to what this emotion is really telling you. Negative emotions suck because your brain is shouting out for your attention–but sometimes, you need to listen.
27. When considering the timeline of my life, what are the important events or periods?
Spend 10 or 20 minutes creating a timeline of your life, starting with your birth, and ending with today. Mark the major events that have taken place and anything that has impacted where you are now.
You may be shocked at how much you recognize about yourself when you’re able to have this perspective of the context of significant events. Thinking in a developmental and contextual way is sometimes key to self-awareness.
28. How do I respond to conflict?
Can you stay calm under pressure and problem-solve effectively? Knowing how you respond to conflict is a great indicator of your leadership tendencies. Do you step up when something is going wrong and take responsibility for making it right?
29. Do I treat the people I love in the same way that I want to be treated?
Take some time to reflect on how you treat other people. Are you proactive in being helpful? Are you respectful? When you think of all of the qualities in a best friend, do you feel like you fulfill those qualities for those you love?
And, finally, would you be friends with you?
30. What prevents me from engaging in self-care?
Time restraints? Or maybe you’ve just run out of ideas for how to do self-care. Whatever is preventing you from taking care of yourself is probably not nearly as important as it is to focus on your wellbeing every once in a while.
31. When someone gives me a suggestion, do I genuinely listen?
It’s so easy to reject suggestions from other people by simply not taking the time to consider their point of view.
But think about the things that you may be missing out on learning or trying. When you give suggestions to other people, it is probably about things that you have found to be really helpful or enjoyable, so if you trust the person offering the suggestion, you should listen!
32. What bothers me about other people?
Sometimes, the characteristics that irritate us about other people represent a quality we dislike about ourselves.
Many of us are our own biggest critics. No one is proud of everything they do–whether you tend to procrastinate or you fail to take personal responsibility for problems that come up at work, we often sweep our own shortcomings under the rug instead of facing them head-on.
The characteristics that irritate us about other people represent a quality we dislike about ourselves.
So, if there is a trait that irritates you about other people, consider if this could be a reflection of something that you dislike in yourself. If it annoys you when other people do it, chances are, it annoys other people when you do it.
33. What do I need to let go of?
We often hold ourselves back by hanging onto the past.
Your doubts, worries, and fears can have a great impact on your happiness and really disrupt your life. Generating the awareness to allow yourself to let go of any situation, person, or outcome that is no longer serving a purpose for you is a key part to living a happy life.
Letting go creates new space for new opportunities to open up. You have to let go of the past in order to feel good and move on with your life in a healthy way.
34. What do I physically feel?
In order to truly understand yourself, you need to be in touch with your physical health. Be mindful and intentional about what you eat and how you move.
That said, it’s also best if you can connect with the physical feelings that occur alongside your emotions. For example, you may feel a certain way physically every time you’re rushed, or you might notice that your thoughts feed into your physical feelings and behaviors.
Let’s say you don’t feel like going to work today. That may lead to your body feeling tired and heavy, which could result in sleeping past the point of no return for being late. This may in turn make you think about how your job is exhausting in general.
35. What am I grateful for?
Often, in the midst of the chaos of our everyday lives, we forget about all of the things we should be grateful for. It is so easy to focus on the negative and forget the positive. We take things for granted every day that would be devastating to live without.
Think of five things you’re grateful for. Some common things that may apply to you could be your health, your family, your income, the security of your home, your children, or even your first cup of coffee in the morning.
You will find that introspection and gratitude work hand in hand. When you use the challenges that you face as an opportunity to deeply reflect on either what you can learn or focus on the positive aspect of the situation rather than the negative, you can reduce the stress you feel that’s associated with that perceived failure.
Final Thoughts on Self-Reflection Questions
There are no right or wrong answers to these questions–and everyone may interpret them in their own unique way. But this is about understanding yourself, so however you respond will help you uncover your own personal truths.
What these questions can do for everyone is offer an exercise to help you identify ways to improve your life. Reason with yourself. Look for patterns. You’ve just put your feelings into words, so it’s time to give those words a meaning.
Using your own internal dialogue, you will be able to see the things that are helpful and harmful for you, what is good and bad, and what is suitable versus what’s inappropriate to have in your life. Then, spend more time and energy on the positive and separate yourself from the negative.
And if you’re looking for more resources to help you reflect and know yourself better, be sure to check out these articles:
Connie Mathers is a professional editor and freelance writer. She holds a Bachelor’s Degree in Marketing and a Master’s Degree in Social Work. When she is not writing, Connie is either spending time with her daughter and two dogs, running, or working at her full-time job as a social worker in Richmond, VA.
According to “common factors theory,” the essence of successful therapy lies in shared core elements, and the differences between therapeutic approaches are often less important than fulfilling these fundamental criteria.
One frequent question people ask themselves when they first decide to seek therapy is, “What type of therapy should I get?”
There are many different types of talk therapy to choose from. Often specific types of therapy are geared toward specific mental disorders. Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy is common for depression and anxiety disorders, Dialectic Behavioral Therapy is common for bipolar and mood disorders, and EMDR is common among those with PTSD.
How much do these therapies differ? How much does it matter?
One interesting idea in psychology is “common factors theory.” The basic premise is that effective therapy isn’t necessarily based on any specific type of therapeutic tool or technique, but rather there are underlying factors behind all therapies that make them successful.
Many therapeutic systems have been invented over the past century. Today, every popular therapist or coach has their own trademarked brand that’s sold as the absolute best approach to mental health.
The less glamorous truth is that most successful therapies aren’t special. There’s significant overlap between different approaches, with a couple extra bells and whistles. However, at the end of the day the biggest reason they are successful is because they all meet fundamental criteria.
Below you’ll learn more about these “common factors” behind successful therapy, including: collaboration, empathy, alliance, positive regard, genuineness, and individual differences.
6 Common Factors Behind All Successful Therapy
One interesting study identified 6 common factors behind all “evidence-based” therapy. They also calculated estimates on how much each factor contributed to the overall variability of therapeutic outcomes.
Here are the 6 common factors behind all successful therapy:
Goal consensus / collaboration (11.5%) – The most important factor is that both the therapist and client share the same goal and they’re willing to work together to achieve it. A goal can be anything from managing negative emotions, to stopping bad habits, to improving communication skills. If their goals mismatch (such as the client not wanting to change or the therapist wanting to go in a different direction), then it’ll be difficult if not impossible to make any progress. Both people need to be on the same page.
Empathy (9%) – The therapist must have a clear understanding of who their patient is and where they are coming from. This means being aware of their current thoughts and feelings, but also learning a comprehensive history of that patient’s past experiences and background. We build empathy by seeking knowledge and understanding about another person. Don’t try to guess, label, or project where someone is coming from. Ask questions and learn. A therapist must treat each person as their own individual case. A scientific study of n=1. Every person has a unique story and a therapist’s job is to learn each person’s story.
Alliance (7.5%) – Both therapist and client must see their relationship as a partnership where each puts in equal effort to realize their shared goal. For the therapist, this means providing advice, encouragement, compliments, and constructive feedback. For the client, this means putting in work outside of the therapy session (in everyday life) so they actually see changes and results. A healthy alliance requires three main components: 1) A shared bond between therapist and client, 2) Agreement about the goals of therapy, and 3) Agreement about the tasks to achieve it (practical advice, tips, suggestions, exercises, homework). Therapy has to be viewed as more than just talking once per week, but rather an impetus to work together, create a plan, and achieve real progress.
Positive regard / affirmation (7.3%) – It’s important that the therapist treats the patient with optimism, positivity, compliments, and encouragement. While a therapist sometimes needs to provide critical and constructive feedback, they should generally promote the patient’s self-esteem and core values. If a therapist tries to fundamentally change something about a person that they don’t want to, there’s naturally going to be conflict and difficulties. One idea known as unconditional positive regard was popularized by the humanistic psychologist Carl Rogers. He highlighted the importance of being agreeable and respectful toward the patient’s core beliefs, values, and goals (even if you disagree with them). Rogers saw therapy as a tool to encourage self-discovery and self-awareness, not tell a patient exactly how they should live their life.
Congruence / genuineness (5.7%) – Both the therapist and patient need to be open, genuine, and authentic. If the patient feels the therapist is just “putting on an act” or “pretending to be nice,” they are going to want to pullback and disengage from the process. A good therapist needs to be just as vulnerable as the patient. This means sharing relevant thoughts and feelings, being honest and matter-of-fact, and being willing to express emotions when appropriate. One telltale sign of incongruence is when there is a mismatch in body language (including posture, facial expressions, or tone of voice). If a therapist’s words don’t match their body language, the patient likely won’t develop any trust or rapport.
Therapist differences (5%) – The last important factor, which may be beyond our control, is personality differences between the therapist and client. Not everyone is designed to get along with everyone, and sometimes the therapist and patient are just too different when it comes to attitude, temperament, background, or lifestyle. Many therapy sessions don’t work out simply because the therapist/patient relationship doesn’t seem to mesh right. This is why it’s recommended that a person tries out multiple therapists when first starting out. Then they can find someone that fits with their personality and a therapist to commit to long-term.
These are the 6 most common factors behind successful therapy. They account for ~50% of the total variability in therapeutic outcomes, so there are still many other factors at play.
In truth, different types of therapies have their advantages and disadvantages, and certain approaches may work better for some and not at all for others.
Regardless of the system, successful therapy often needs to meet the basic requirements listed above. Without these common factors being met, no technique or approach is going to work.
A Warning on Overspecialized Therapy
A therapist needs to be flexible in their approach and try not to force fit everyone into their preferred model.
The more a person is trained and/or educated on a specific field in psychology, the more they seem to be “locked in” to only one way of observing the human condition. They don’t talk to people as human beings at face value, but instead think, “How does this person fit into my cognitive/behavioral/psychodynamic/evolutionary model?”
Expertise (and overspecialization) can narrow vision. A certain element of beginner’s mind is the best approach to therapy. Start with the basic questions, “Who is this person? What do they care about? What makes them tick? What do they want to change?”
Assume nothing and ask questions. Learn about the person from scratch. Connect to them human-to-human and see where it goes.
More concerning, certain therapies have become popularized and over-hyped in recent years. They’ve turned into commercial brands. “Cognitive-behavioral therapy” has become a buzzword in many circles because the average person associates it with the only “evidence-based” therapy.
Of course I’m not against specific therapies. I’ve learned a lot of helpful tools and techniques from various systems (including CBT) that I still practice today.
At the end of the day, I’m a pragmatist, so there’s almost no therapy, treatment, medication, or technique I’m 100% for or against. If it helps just one person, then it’s that much effective.
However, in general, a good therapist needs to have a comprehensive understanding of how humans work. Tools and techniques can be in your back-pocket, but first and foremost you need to approach people as individual human beings seeking growth.
Successful therapy can’t be reduced to a checklist.
The Gloria Tapes: 3 Therapeutic Approaches
This topic reminds me of an old series of videos known as the Gloria Tapes.
It was an educational film made in the 1960s to teach psychology students the differences between therapeutic approaches.
The series follows a single patient, Gloria, who receives therapy from three distinguished psychologists of the time: Carl Rogers, Fritz Perls, and Albert Ellis.
The therapy is limited since it’s only one session each, but you can get a good understanding of the radically different approaches by each therapist.
You can watch each of the sessions here:
Each of these videos reveals a different approach to therapy.
Albert Ellis is most aligned with modern cognitive and rational-based approaches. Carl Rogers has a more gentle and humanistic approach. Fritz Perls has a direct and provocative approach (almost to the point of bullying).
If I remember correctly, the patient Gloria felt the most comfortable with Rogers, but she actually went for a second session with Perls. I don’t know how to interpret that – it’s possible she felt “unfinished business” with Perls or she simply enjoyed arguing with him.
None of this says anything about “successful therapy.” Just one session isn’t adequate to measure “success” vs. “failure” when it comes to a long-term process like self-growth. However, these examples will give you a taste for the different types of therapies out there.
Ultimately, successful therapy depends on both therapist and patient. The most important factor is to have a healthy, working relationship and a “build together” attitude. Once you have that foundation, anything is possible.
Stay updated on new articles and resources in psychology and self improvement:
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An honest review of 2023, featuring stand-out articles, practical worksheets, and a preview of the near future at The Emotion Machine.
Another year is coming to an end. It’s time for my annual recap and roundup of best articles.
To start, I’ll say this year was a good year for me overall. Not excellent, not bad – but “good.” It was more turbulent than past years and I certainly had low moments, but I adapted quickly and made a couple major habit changes that are going to payoff big in the future.
Despite the chaos, I was remarkably consistent in my output this year. After a decade working on this site, creating new content is almost automatic for me. There’s no reason to assume I’ll be slowing down anytime soon, as new ideas and new projects are constantly coming to mind.
Last year I pledged to make one new worksheet per month, so we already have a nice collection of 12 available going into the new year. These have received a lot of positive feedback so far and I’ll keep making new ones in 2024 (already have a long list of ideas).
I’ll share more on my goals for 2024 soon, but let’s first take a look at the best self-improvement content that was published at The Emotion Machine in 2023…
Best Articles/Worksheets of 2023
Here’s a list of my best articles and worksheets from 2023 by category.
I haven’t yet worked on my goals timeline, an annual tradition I do at the beginning of every year, but I’ll give you a quick peak at my main work goals in the near future:
Worksheets – As mentioned, I will definitely continue making one new worksheet each month. They are easy evergreen content and I’ve received compliments on them. The “Daily Routine” PDF will be coming out mid-January 2024.
Coaching – I’m bringing this back. Took most of the year off to focus on website but I think coaching is one of my better and more rewarding strengths. I already set up a calendar for easy scheduling and updated my coaching page.
Podcasting – I have too many thoughts per day that could be turned into valuable content but never materialize anywhere. “Everyone has great ideas, but not everyone acts on them.” Just pressing the record button and letting my mind riff is easy content that I think people will find interesting. I just need to suck it up and do it. I already have a Soundcloud (with a lot of old content) that I just need to reactivate.
Literary Agent – This is new territory for me. I’ve been working closely with an upcoming author friend and we’ve been making plans on finishing her first manuscript and sending pitches to publishers. She just finished the rough draft last week, but I’m going to be working with her more closely on editing, feedback, and reaching out to publishers once we have things tidied up. I still need to do more research but it could be a good avenue for me. It plays on multiple strengths: 1) Understanding the creative process, 2) Motivating people to actually finish their projects, 3) Finding people who have talent and potential, 4) Rooting for other people’s success. It feels like a natural outgrowth of a lot of my past work with creative people (at music venues, art galleries, and coaching various writers, artists, musicians, and filmmakers).
Articles – This isn’t changing. I’ll still be publishing at least one new or updated article every week. These make up the backbone of the website and I have no shortage of ideas and no reason to stop writing them anytime soon. If you want me to write about a specific topic, just use the contact page and let me know. I have many interests but it’s easier for me to cater to what you guys want. Feedback makes the site better.
All in all I’m excited about 2024, and the ideas above feel like a perfect balance between “sticking with what works” vs. “trying new things.”
Join Me In 2024
If you find this work valuable to your life and want more, join me and support me going into the new year.
My entire archive currently has over 850 articles covering a wide-range of subjects in psychology and self-improvement; and there’s plenty more to come in the future. I’m just getting started.
To be honest with you, some of my earlier articles may not have aged as well as others. When you consistently produce content over 14 years, you inevitably release some less-than-stellar pieces. It’s a part of the process – having both “winning streaks” and “losing streaks” is a universal theme in life.
Over the years, my beliefs, values, and interests have also shifted since I first started this site. There are things I wrote in the past that I don’t wholly agree with today. However, I choose to keep these old posts accessible because people often need different advice at various stages of their lives.
I bet that’s not the hottest sales pitch you’ve ever heard. At heart, I consider myself a teacher more than a salesman, and that means being sincere, honest, and truthful before everything else. If you’re looking for “one trick” to magically fix your life, you’re in the wrong place. I don’t have those – never found them.
All I can do is offer an array of tools, advice, and guidelines. You ultimately have to figure out what applies (or doesn’t) to your life. In truth, 80% of the content on this site may not interest you at all, but there’s that 20% that could be just what you need at this exact moment in your life.
What I can promise you is that I’m one of the most dedicated writers on self-improvement currently going. I’ve seen thousands of other “self help” sites rise and fall over the years, but I keep chugging away no matter what.
If you want to align with my commitment to happiness and well-being, then your first step is to join me.
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From ‘Bah, humbug!’ to redemption: Charles Dickens’ ‘A Christmas Carol’ unfolds as more than just a festive fable, offering profound insights into self-discovery, kindness, and rewriting one’s life story.
Charles Dickens’ timeless classic, “A Christmas Carol,” isn’t just a heartwarming tale of holiday spirit; it’s a profound exploration of human psychology and the power of personal transformation.
Many of us have heard the story before through countless movie and TV adaptations, especially the infamous Scrooge, whose name has now become a common insult toward those who fight against the holiday spirit of joy, kindness, and charity.
If you’re interested, you can read the original 1843 novella A Christmas Carol for free at Project Gutenberg. There are also many free audiobooks you can find and listen to.
The story opens the day before Christmas with Ebenezer Scrooge at work, a strict businessman who is described as miserable, lonely, and greedy, without any close friends or companions. His nephew visits, wishes him a cheerily “Merry Christmas!” and invites him to spend dinner with his family, but Scrooge rudely brushes off the kind gesture and responds with his trademark phrase “Bah humbug!”
Scrooge’s cynical and negative attitude is on full display in the opening chapter. “He carried his own low temperature always about with him.” In one instance where he is asked to donate money to help the poor, the wealthy Scrooge asks, “Aren’t there prisons? Aren’t there workhouses?” and then complains about the “surplus population.”
It’s clear that Scrooge’s only concerns and core values in life are money and wealth. If it doesn’t help his profits or bottom line then he doesn’t care about it, especially the well-being of others which he claims is “none of his business.”
The archetype of Scrooge is more relevant today than ever, especially in our corporatized world where rich elites isolate themselves from the rest of society while income inequality, crime, and economic woes continue to rise for the average person. Dickens observed early signs of increased materialism, narcissism, and greed almost two hundred years ago, but these unhealthy instincts have only grown rapidly since then. Social media has particularly warped people’s perceptions of wealth, status, and fame, which has in turn blinded us to many other important values in life.
In many cases people like Scrooge live lonely and miserable lives until they die, clinging to their money as they are lowered into their graves. However the story of “A Christmas Carol” provides hope and inspiration that people can change their paths in life if they are given the necessary insight and wisdom.
As the well-known tale goes, Scrooge is haunted by 3 benevolent spirits on consecutive nights (The Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future), each teaching him an essential lesson on what really matters in life.
This breakdown of past, present, and future creates a complete picture of one’s life. It’s a powerful framework to spark self-growth in any person. Once we reevaluate where we’ve been, where we are, and where we want to go, we have a much clearer idea on what the right path forward is.
Keep in mind you don’t need to be religious to reap the benefits of this story. Its lessons are universal. While there are supernatural and spiritual elements, the wisdom is real and tangible.
Introduction: The Ghost of Marley
Before Scrooge is visited by the three spirits, he encounters the ghost of his former business partner Marley who had died seven years ago.
The ghost of Marley is shown to be in a type of purgatory, aimlessly roaming the town, entangled in many heavy chains with cash-boxes, keys, padlocks, ledgers, deeds, and heavy purses made out of steel, representing a lifetime of greed and selfishness:
“I wear the chain I forged in life,” replied the Ghost. “I made it link by link, and yard by yard; I girded it on of my own free will, and of my own free will I wore it. Is its pattern strange to you?”
“Or would you know,” pursued the Ghost, “the weight and length of the strong coil you bear yourself? It was full as heavy and as long as this, seven Christmas Eves ago. You have laboured on it, since. It is a ponderous chain!”
The ghost lets Scrooge know that his actions have far-reaching consequences too. He will suffer a similar fate if he doesn’t change his ways, but there’s still hope for redemption! He then leaves, announcing to Scrooge that he will soon be visited by three spirits that will guide him to a better path.
Marley’s ghost serves as a warning, but also a sign of hope.
The Ghosts of the Past: Forgiving Your Former Self
Scrooge’s first encounter is with the “Ghost of Christmas Past,” who serves as a poignant reminder that we must confront our history to understand our present.
The Ghost of Christmas Past transports Scrooge through various memories he had as a child and young adult, showing his psychological development over time.
The first scene brings Scrooge back to his childhood town, where he is immediately rushed with feelings of nostalgia, cheerfulness, and joy. These positive memories depict a very different Scrooge from present, revealing his once optimistic and hopeful disposition. What happened to him since?
The memories begin to grow darker. Multiple scenes show Scrooge spending Christmas alone as a young child, one time being left by himself at boarding school while his friends were celebrating the holidays with family, and another time sitting solitarily by the fire reading. Scrooge begins to shed tears and show sympathy toward his former, abandoned self.
One of the most pivotal memories is when young adult Scrooge is speaking with his past lover. She notices a fundamental change in him that has become a dealbreaker in their relationship.
“You fear the world too much,” she answered, gently…”I have seen your nobler aspirations fall off one-by-one, until the master-passion, Gain, engrosses you…”
She sees that money has become Scrooge’s God which he puts above all other values, including love. The young woman continues…
“Our contract is an old one. It was made when we were both poor and content to be so, until, in good season, we could improve our worldly fortune by our patient industry. You are changed. When it was made, you were another man.”
Here we begin to see Scrooge’s hardening into the man he is in the present.
His pursuit of wealth as his main source of comfort and satisfaction has damaged his relationship beyond repair. The lover sees no other option but for them to go their separate ways. The memory deeply pains Scrooge and he cries out for the ghost to show him no more.
In truth we are all a product of our past, including our environment and the choices we make in life. Scrooge has clearly gone through hardships and taken wrong turns that have influenced where he finds himself today; but it’s not too late.
The Ghost of Christmas Past forced Scrooge to remember events that he had long forgotten, neglected, or ignored because they were too painful to think about. While these old memories cannot be altered, you have to accept your past, be honest with yourself, and forgive yourself if you want to learn, grow, and change for the better.
One of the main lessons here is that you need to take responsibility for the past before you can take power over the future. Scrooge is suffering, but he’s learning.
Making the Most of the Present: Opportunities for Joy and Kindness
Scrooge’s next encounter is with the “Ghost of Christmas Present,” who teaches Scrooge all the opportunities for good that cross his path every single day.
The spirit is colorfully dressed with holly, mistletoe, berries, turkeys, sausages, oysters, pies, puddings, fruit, and punch surrounding him, a representation of the simple pleasures in life we can all learn to appreciate, savor, and be grateful for.
First, the Ghost of Christmas Present takes Scrooge for a walk outside in the town during Christmas Day, observing all the happiness, zest, and cheer overflowing through the streets. Everyone from all backgrounds is enjoying the festivities.
When two people bump into each other and start a small fight, the ghost sprinkles a magical substance on them which instantly ends the argument and brings both back to a more joyful demeanor.
“Once or twice when there were angry words between some dinner-carriers who had jostled each other, he shed a few drops of water on them, and their good humour was restored directly. For they said, it was a shame to quarrel upon Christmas Day. And so it was! God love it, so it was!”
On Christmas, all fights are optional.
The ghost then leads Scrooge to the home of Bob Cratchit, his current employee who he often treats poorly. Here Scrooge is introduced to Bob’s sick and disabled son Tiny Tim, who despite his illness is still excited to spend holiday time with the family. The poor family makes the most of the limited food and time they have together, including a fake “goose” dinner made out of apple sauce and mashed potatoes.
Scrooge looks on in sympathy and wishes he could do more to help them. He asks the spirit about the current state of Tiny Tim’s health:
“Spirit,” said Scrooge, with an interest he never felt before, “tell me if Tiny Tim will live.”
“I see a vacant seat,” replied the Ghost, “in the poor chimney-corner, and a crutch without an owner, carefully preserved. If these shadows remain unaltered by the Future, the child will die.”
In another scene, Scrooge is transported to the home of his sister’s family, the same party his nephew invited him to the previous day. Everyone in the household is enjoying the Christmas holiday while singing, dancing, and playing games. Several times Scrooge is brought up in conversation and everyone can only laugh and shrug at Scrooge’s relentless misery and gloom.
“A Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to the old man, whatever he is!” said Scrooge’s nephew. “He wouldn’t take it from me, but may he have it nonetheless. Uncle Scrooge!”
Scrooge knows that these events and perceptions by others are part of his own doing.
At every turn, Scrooge denies taking advantage of daily opportunities for happiness, including rejecting a group of children singing carols, responding rudely to acquaintances (“Bah humbug!”), and refusing to give to charities or help others when it’s fully in his power.
These events are small, but they build up over time. Whenever Scrooge is given a choice between kindness vs. coldness, he chooses to be cold. After enough tiny social interactions, Scrooge has cemented his reputation around town as being the miserable miser.
Can he still change it?
The Shadows of the Future: Shaping Tomorrow Today
The final spirit Scrooge meets is the “Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come” or the “Ghost of Christmas Future.” This ghost blends in with the darkness of the night, wearing a long black robe that covers their entire face and body, except for a boney hand it uses to silently point.
The ghost begins by showing men on the streets joking and laughing about someone who has just passed away. At a pawn shop, robbers are selling stolen property they recently seized from the dead man’s estate, saying it’s for the best since the items will no longer serve any use to him. Scrooge, perplexed by the meaning of these scenes, intently watches on. Another man jokes:
“It’s likely to be a very cheap funeral, for upon my life I don’t know of anybody to go to it.”
Scene by scene, people show ambivalence toward the death. Scrooge grows frustrated and asks:
“If there is any person in the town who feels emotion caused by this man’s death, show that person to me. Spirit, I beseech you!”
Now they see a family that was in debt to the dead man, and they are feeling humble gratitude and quiet glee that they no longer have to worry themselves about such an evil creditor:
“Yes. Soften it as they would, their hearts were lighter. The children’s faces, hushed and clustered round to hear what they so little understood, were brighter; and it was a happier house for this man’s death! The only emotion that the Ghost could show him, caused by the event, was one of pleasure.”
Already having suspicions on who this man is, Scrooge begs the ghost to finally reveal where his future lies. The ghost travels to a graveyard and points at a tombstone that upon inspection reads: Ebenezer Scrooge
Scrooge’s heart sinks. Next it’s shown that Tiny Tim hasn’t recovered from his illness and has also passed away, and at such a young age. Feeling completely hopeless at this point, Scrooge desperately begs:
“Answer me one question. Are these the shadows of the things that Will be, or are they shadows of things that May be, only?”
“Men’s courses will foreshadow certain ends, to which, if persevered in, they must lead. But if the courses be departed from, the ends will change. Say it is thus with what you show me!”
As long as you’re alive and breathing, you have the power to change.
When we think about death, it puts everything about life into perspective. Our time is finite in this world and we must make the most of it without being distracted by trivialities and lesser values. If you were laying on your deathbed right now, what would your main regrets be?
When Scrooge reflects on his own death and what influence he’d leave on the world, it shakes him at his core – but also transforms him.
The Power of Redemption: Transforming Scrooge’s Tale into Our Own
After the visitations of the three ghosts, Scrooge wakes up a changed man ready to start his new life. He rises from bed excited, hopeful, and giddy that he’s still alive and still has a chance to change his current course.
Upon finding out it’s still Christmas Day, he buys a prize turkey to send to the Cratchit family and begins giving generous amounts of money to children and the poor. He continues to walk around the town square, giving everyone warm greetings and a hearty “Merry Christmas!”
When he sees Bob Cratchit the next day at work, he immediately gives him a raise in salary and promises to take care of Tiny Tim and assist the family in anyway possible. He becomes a lifelong friend to the family.
This sudden change in Scrooge’s behavior confused the townsfolk at first, including many who made fun of this rapid transformation that was so uncharacteristic of Scrooge. But these words and gossip didn’t bother him:
“Some people laughed to see the alteration in him, but he let them laugh, and little heeded them; for he was wise enough to know that nothing ever happened on this globe, for good, at which some people did not have their fill of laughter[…] His own heart laughed: and that was quite enough for him.”
At its core, “A Christmas Carol” is a story of redemption and heroism. Scrooge’s journey from miserly recluse to benevolent samaritan exemplifies the human capacity for change.
By reflecting on his past, present, and future self, Scrooge discovered the best path forward – a process that applies to all forms of self-improvement.
This story has insightful lessons that can apply to anyone’s life, no matter what situation they find themselves in. We can’t change the past chapters, but we can change how our story ends.
Never forget you have the power to rewrite your life story at any time.
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Embark on a journey to well-being with these four profound Japanese concepts: Ikigai for purpose, Moai for community, Hara Hachi Bu for mindful eating, and Kintsugi for resilience. Discover insights to a healthier and happier life in the modern world by embracing the ancient wisdom of Japanese culture.
Culture is a powerful force that influences the type of person we become. In the pursuit of well-being, different cultures can often teach us different lessons on what it means to live a good life.
First, what is culture? The American anthropologist Edward T. Hall created the “Cultural Iceberg” framework to help us analyze the many factors that determine what a culture is. The theory illustrates that only 10% of culture is what we see (language, diet, music, fashion), while 90% of culture is hidden from us (beliefs, values, norms, and expectations).
Here’s what the “Cultural Iceberg” looks like:
Generally we see the culture we grew up in as the default mode of being. This includes how people dress, what people eat, and what music they listen to, but also deeper aspects of life such as beliefs, values, morality, and how people approach life from a broader perspective.
Culture, tradition, and social norms shape our map of reality, the choices we make, and how we navigate our world. If you’re raised in a society that only values materialistic goals like money, fame, or popularity, you’re naturally going to live a life in accordance with those values, especially if they go unquestioned.
When we explore new cultures through traveling, reading, or meeting new people, we learn that there are many different ways we can approach life and the way we were raised isn’t necessarily the only way to live.
One simplified but general way we can categorize different types of culture is Western vs. Eastern ways of thinking. Western cultures tend to be more individualistic, rational, and materialistic, while Eastern cultures tend to be more collectivist, holistic, and spiritual.
Keep in mind, these are broad categorizations. Every country and culture is different. This also isn’t a judgment of “right” or “wrong” ways of thinking, but rather observing different personality types on a cultural scale.
My experience from a Western perspective is that learning about various aspects of Eastern culture and philosophy (such as Buddhism, Taoism, or Confucianism) gave me a taste for different ways to look at the world and different perspectives on life that I otherwise wouldn’t have been exposed to.
One popular country to look at is Japan which has a rich history, deep cultural roots, and long-held traditions that have been passed down over multiple generations. In this article, we’re going to cover four powerful Japanese concepts that provide universal lessons on how to live a healthier and happier life. Each concept reveals core values and beliefs that shape the way many Japanese people live.
These powerful ideas include: Ikigai (“a reason for being”), Moai (“meeting for a common purpose”), Hara Hachi Bu (“belly 80% full”), and Kintsugi (“golden repair”). Now let’s dive deeper into each one!
Ikigai
a reason for being
The Japanese concept of “Ikigai” is about finding a purpose in life. It directly translates to “a reason for being,” and it’s often described as the intersection between what you love, what you are good at, and what the world needs.
Ikigai is a combination between intrinsic motivation (an activity you enjoy doing) and extrinsic rewards (an activity that creates value in the world and improves people’s lives). Psychology research has shown that ikigai is associated with elevated feelings of dedication, accomplishment, meaning, and fulfillment.
This is in contrast to a lot of other cultures that just see work as a means to a paycheck or higher income, rather than reframing work as something that serves a higher purpose, both to yourself and society as a whole.
Ikigai has been shown to benefit both physical and mental health. It can reduce stress and anxiety, which contributes to longer lives and less risk of cardiovascular disease and other ailments. In addition, ikigai is associated with greater resilience in the face of negative events. One interesting study found that ikigai helped people better cope with stress after an earthquake or natural disaster.
Here’s a visual of what constitutes ikigai:
If you can find activities that meet all of these requirements, then you’ve found your ikigai.
Discovering your ikigai can take time and patience though. It involves careful introspection, understanding your strengths, passions, and talents, and finding ways to use those powers to fulfill the needs of the world.
Once you find your ikigai, it’s important to align your daily activities with it if you want to build a more purposeful and meaningful life.
Moai
meeting for a common purpose
Human connection is vital for our well-being, and the Japanese practice of “Moai” emphasizes the strength of communal bonds.
Moai refers to a group of people who come together for a shared purpose, providing emotional, social, and even financial support. Often a moai includes family, friends, and neighbors within a local community. They will see each other frequently, talk and catch up on each other’s lives, and organize group activities such as game nights, fitness groups, music performances, or dance parties.
This tight sense of community provides an important sense of belonging. It also comes with physical benefits like healthier lifestyles, exercise, social connection, and financial support if someone finds themselves in a tough situation.
In today’s world, many people are suffering from loneliness and depression. One major cause of this is hyper individualism and atomistic lifestyles that no longer promote community values. Many Americans report having zero close friends and only 38% say they have “5 friends or more.” This is in stark contrast to the moai way of life which can often include 10-12+ lifelong friends.
While there’s plenty of research showing the physical and mental benefits of social support, one of the most common examples of moai can be found in Okinawa, Japan, which has been identified as a “blue zone.”
Blue zones are places around the world that are associated with better health and longevity. Often there are high numbers of centenarians in them (or people who have lived over 100). The recent Netflix documentary Live to 100: Secrets of the Blue Zones by public health researcher Dan Buettner has a great episode dedicated to Okinawa that shows how the moais work there.
Many health professionals and experts are now claiming we are in a “loneliness epidemic,” with over 1 in 4 adults saying they feel socially isolated. This can have serious health consequences such as increased risk of anxiety, depression, heart disease, stroke, dementia, and overall shorter lifespans. The negative effects of loneliness have been compared to the effects of daily cigarette smoking.
As communities continue to decline and feelings of social alienation increase, the moai mentality is needed now more than ever.
Hara Hachi Bu
belly 80% full
In a culture often associated with healthy living and longevity, the Japanese concept of “Hara Hachi Bu” teaches us the art of mindful eating. Translated as “belly 80% full,” this practice encourages moderation in our meals.
Obesity is a growing problem around the entire world. Recent reports show that 39% of the global population in 2023 is obese or overweight, and this is a sharp increase from 23.9% in 2008. If this trend continues, researchers predict that over half of the global population will have obesity by 2035.
One factor in this rise in obesity is having abundant access to ultraprocessed foods, including the convenience of fast food and junk food. The modern diet is filled with supernormal foods that hijack our natural instincts for sugar, salts, and rich flavor, which is why many people end up over-eating during meals or late night binging.
The lesson of Hara Hachi Bu is more relevant now than ever. By reminding ourselves to only eat until we are 80% full, we encourage slower and more mindful eating. This lets you enjoy your meal more by paying attention to each bite and savoring it, rather than quickly moving from one bite to the next without fully appreciating it.
Many people eat unconsciously. Often it’s eating while watching TV/movies, checking their phones, scrolling social media, or socializing with friends. Their main focus is on one thing, while eating is just something happening in the background. These distractions can lead you to eat more than you otherwise would.
Slowing down your eating will lead to less consumption, better digestion, and improved body awareness of how you respond to certain foods, the best times of the day to eat (or not), and what it feels like to be “50% full” → “80% full” → “100% full” → “110% full.”
Adopting Hara Hachi Bu not only contributes to physical well-being by maintaining a healthy weight but also cultivates a mindful approach to eating that can lead to a stronger connection with the food we consume.
Kintsugi
golden repair
Derived from the Japanese words “kin” (golden) and “tsugi” (repair), Kintsugi is the art of repairing broken pottery with lacquer mixed with powdered gold, silver, or platinum.
Here’s what it looks like:
Instead of hiding the cracks and flaws, the practice of kintsugi embraces the broken parts by highlighting them in gold. It celebrates its imperfections, while at the same time making them stronger and more beautiful.
Many find inspiration when applying this concept to their personal lives. It helps them to accept the challenges and obstacles they’ve had to face over the years – the physical, mental, and emotional battle scars – and see them as jumping points for growth and improvement.
No one’s life is perfect. We all suffer from weaknesses, flaws, insecurities, and vulnerabilities. Our instinct is to hide them, ignore them, or deny them, but the paradox is that when we accept them is when we actually become stronger.
Kintsugi promotes resilience, growth, and grit. It shows that no matter how many times you get broken, you can always repair yourself in gold.
Conclusion
Each of these Japanese concepts – Ikigai, Moai, Hara Hachi Bu, and Kintsugi – offers a kernel of wisdom that we can all apply to our daily lives.
While these ideas are ancient, they are more relevant to modern living than ever before. Ikigai teaches us meaning and purpose, Moai teaches us social connection, Hara Hachi Bu teaches us mindful eating, and Kintsugi teaches us growth and resilience.
Which concept do you need to embrace the most right now?
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